The Sport Shtick

Kim Jong Burke

2012-01-14T13:39:00.001-08:00

Hockey Nightin Canada talking head and Hall of Shame former GM Mike Millbury was questionedby Boston Police after complaints he verbally and physically assaulted a 12year old boy during a hockey game. Aspokesman for CBC was ecstatic saying if the kid was French Canadian they mightfinally have found a replacement for Don Cherry.

I guess wenow know God will cheer for a QB with a model wife instead of a modelChristian.

The TorontoRaptors unveiled a 3 dimensional sign behind the basket in their home opener, 2dimensions more than their offence.

A Vancouverdeveloper has unveiled 30 "micro-lofts," which are under 300 squarefeet in size and are touted as the smallest self-contained furnished rentalapartments in Canada. The lofts are saidto be perfect for those on a fixed income, low income or CFL income.

The City ofVancouver is looking to implement scramble crosswalks at the city's busiest andmost dangerous intersections. Policefeel this will allow greater safety when trying to cross the street duringriots.

UltimateFighting Championship (UFC) star Brock Lesnar and a hunting guide have beencharged with three counts under Alberta's Wildlife Act. An unidentified source says Lesner will becharged with 2 counts of unlawful hunting and one of not stopping when theanimal tapped out.

A new churchin Saskatoon is using high-tech solar panels alongside traditional stainedglass. The parish feels this will allowattendees to watch Rider games while in services without draining theelectrical budget.

MontrealCanadians fans are incensed their new coach does not speak French. Especially upset are reporters who say he hastaken the joy out of ridiculing him by not being able to understand theirattacks.

NorthKorea’s dictator Kim Jong Ill died this week with officials saying the lastundisputed dictatorship now resides in Toronto and have nicknamed him Kim JongBurke.

BS in the BCS

2012-01-14T11:48:00.001-08:00

Police in Calgary are warning people about the dangers ofecstasy saying the drug has been linked to deaths and overdoses. The easiest way to get off ecstasy sayexperts is to stop cheering for the Flames.

An Alberta mom has given birth to 2 New Year’s babies in arow. The odds on this are just slightlyhigher than the Flames winning 2 games in a row.

Calgary Stampeders QB Henry Burris was traded to theHamilton Tiger Cats. Burris says he willmiss the chance to go for a Grey Cup and getting into his neighbors D cups.

Since Toronto Maple Leafs coach Ron Wilson received acontract extension the team has lost 3 games in a row. GM Brian Burke was nonplused saying if hehad let Wilson go he would be losing games with a much better team.

NY Rangers coach John Tortorella said he believes the NHLand NBC tried to fix the Winter Classic to go into overtime. A spokesman for the NHL says the game was notfixed but he does expect Tortorella to be neutered.

The Montreal Canadians have apologized for not hiring abilingual coach saying they thought a unilingual coach could just as easilywaive the white flag.

God was asked why he had abandoned Tim Tebow during the last3 games of the season only to be at his side in the overtime win againstPittsburgh. God said Christmas is atough time for him what with birthday preparations and all the rappersreleasing albums, but likes to throw in a miracle as a New Year’s treat for thedevoted.

Boston Bruins forward Brad Marchand was repent for his hiton Vancouver Canucks Sami Salo saying he was only protecting himself from abigger opponent. This explains whyMarchand only received 5 games as the NHL believed his apology was really bigof him.

With the BCS championship game over we can now finally saygoodbye to College football, except for the court cases, suspensions and drugarrests.

Hundreds of people attended the opening day of publichearings that may determine the fate of a controversial plan to build theNorthern Gateway pipeline to the West Coast from Alberta's oilsands in theFirst Nations community of Kitamaat Village, B.C. In addition to the usual suspects it wassurprising to see the NHL represented, saying they will support the pipelinebut only if the NHLPA gives up some revenue.

Finance Minister Jim Flaherty says the next budget will be“prudent” which is like the NY Yankees saying they will spend “cautiously”.

A landmark Caribbean eatery is being forced to vacate itsQueen Street East digs after a new landlord has ordered the restaurant off theproperty. The Real Jerk recentlyreceived notice that the property located at Queen Street East and BroadviewAvenue had been sold to a developer who wants the restaurant to leave by theend of the month. An NHL spokesman wasstunned saying they thought the real jerk was Brad Marchand.

The elusive Doesn't Matter

2011-12-13T18:45:00.000-08:00

The Federal Government is about to issue new guidelines onwearing facial coverings in public. Thenew legislation will ban Burkas and other facial coverings but exemptions aremade for Toronto Maple Leaf, Edmonton Oiler and Calgary Flame fans who wearpaper bags to games.

After nixing a trade that would have sent New OrleansHornets star Chris Paul to the LA Lakers league commissioner and de-facto ownerof the Hornets David Stern listed his reasons. 1. It was a bad trade for the Hornets. 2. It was a bad trade for theLakers. 3. It was a good day for Voodoo dolls.

If the NHL league commissioner could disallow trades basedon their being bad for a team Mike Millbury might still have a job as GM.

The NBA is instituting a new protocol for concussions witheach member of the league to be tested at the start of the year to provide abaseline. First up to be given a headscan is Commissioner David Stern who will be tested again if the league is ableto sell the New Orleans Hornets.

Sighting a hard-shelled sea turtle off British Columbia'scoast is extremely rare, so experts are both puzzled and concerned that threesuch turtles have washed ashore in the last two weeks on Vancouver Island. Officials say they usually see slow, hardshelled animals turn up when Hockey Night in Canada tapes their Hot StoveLounge in Vancouver.

Questions are being raised about whether principals in B.C.schools are qualified to administer breathalyzers. Parents have raised concerns in light of thePenn State abuse scandals as to whether we want school officials asking kids toblow anything.

Winnipeg Jets license plates went on sale Monday and werebeing snapped up at a at Autopac agencies around the province. Officials say they are expecting more platesto be sold, especially collector items crafted by convicted sex offender GrahamJames.

Researchers this week are expected to release findings fromthe Large Hedron Collider that confirm the existence of the God Particlethought to be the source of all matter in the Universe. The particle was found when objects were madeto collide in a circular arena travelling at high speeds. Early indications are the particle has a largecollar, wears gaudy suits and answers to the name “Coach”.

An unexpected finding happened when looking for origins ofdark matter and anti-matter of the existence of a new energy called doesn’tmatter. This is said to be the reasonthere is hockey in Phoenix.

A new realignment in the NHL was questioned when reports ofa 5^th conference featuring only the Phoenix Coyotes came tolight. A spokesman for Gary Bettman saysthe Coyotes which will compete against itself and be guaranteed a shot at theStanley Cup, is in no way a thinly veiled attempt to re-coupe the losses of thepast few years. “The fact is Phoenix isa unique situation” said the official who spoke to media “Phoenix will playinter-squad games until a winning team is picked or a buyer is found”.

The Surrey Urban Mission is looking for a looking for aplace to serve Christmas dinner to people in need this holiday season. For thepast 12 years, the Mission has served its meals in a Whalley church, which isshared by four faith groups. But this year, with Christmas falling on a Sunday,there is a conflict over the space as churchgoers need the church forservices. A spokesman for the CalgaryFlames said they would love to help but the Saddledome is booked thorough outthe season with the team serving up turkeys nearly every night.

A janitor at a Canada Post sorting station in Castlegar,B.C., has been charged with 14 counts of mail theft for allegedly opening andstealing Christmas mail. The man willplead innocent saying he knew the presents were for BC Lions players and feltthey got enough gifts from Winnipeg in the Grey Cup.

If the Federal Government can send in a third party managerto Attawapiskat for gross spending violations why can’t they appoint one forthe Calgary Flames?

Headline: HOCKEY FIGHTS MAY INCREASE DEGENERATIVE BRAINDISEASE RISK. This is followed byHeadline: Drinking paint thinner tastes bad and Headline: Telling your wife sheis fat not recommended.

Two over 70 former CFL greats traded punches this weekendduring Grey Cup celebrations in Vancouver. Angelo Moska and Joe Capp renewed decades old hostilities with Moskaeven using his cane to ward off Capp. Aspokesman for the Calgary Flames was in attendance and has advised Coach BrentSutter to allow his aging player to bring their canes to defend themselves.

The B.C. Supreme Court has upheld the conviction of a WestVancouver man for punching a North Vancouver woman who told him to stop makinga mess of her recycling bins. In CalgaryFlames fans are getting to the point of violence after repeated attempts torecycle used players.

Vancouver health care administrators are defending hospitalparking fees, after Canada's top medical journal called for their abolition inan editorial on Monday. A spokesman forthe Hospital says the fees help balance their books; in fact they madethousands after the Stanley Cup riots.

B.C. NDP MLA Jagrup Brar will temporarily give up his homeand salary and live on $610 welfare for one month after accepting a challengefrom campaign group Raise the Rates. Aspokesman for the CFLPA was encouraged by the development and hopes he will posthow he did it as a guide for rookies in the CFL.

Vancouver police are seeking possible witnesses of anassault that was committed against a Calgary Stampeders fan that was possiblysparked by his choice of jersey. Aspokesman for the Police say they are looking for a 75 year old man who waslast seen headed for the CFL awards.

Researchers say a deer-sized, plant-eating dinosaur thatroamed Saskatchewan 66 million years ago is a new species. This is the 1^st new species sincethe discovery of Kenius Milleras nearly 5 years ago.

Detroit Lions defensive end Ndamukong Suh's stomp will cost him two gameswithout pay. Asked to comment a NFLspokesman said it was a step in the right direction.

Catching Up

2011-11-11T12:40:00.000-08:00

It was in keeping with his faith when Tim Tebow lost on Sunday. Christians have never fared well against Lions.

The good news I was offered a position at a major US University…bad news it was ball boy for Penn State.

Michigan State and North Carolina played the 1^st ever College game on an Aircraft Carrier, the USS Carl Vinson. The game was relatively free of problems although it made the tailgate party a little wetter than usual.

Washington Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos was kidnapped from his home in Venezuela which has MLB officials in a dilemma. Do they join the investigation or use Venezuela as a place to send players like Adam Dunn?

Having a memorial cart race to honour a man who died in an auto crash seems a little ghoulish. What next a fighting contest to honour hockey players who died from head injuries?

Hickstead the great Canadian equestrian horse of rider Eric Lamaze has been found dead. Officials have ruled out cocaine as a cause but have not yet checked the horse.

After being beaten 7-0 by the Boston Bruins I wonder how long it will take Leafs coach Ron Wilson to agree to an extension.

IOC doping head Dick Pound is furious over allegations by former enforcer Georges Laraques of widespread use of steroids in hockey. Pound then went on to say allegations of corruption, bribery, harassment and vote peddling by the IOC are an internal matter.

NBA Commissioner David Stern is giving the players an ultimatum to agree to a deal or get less in the future, because if there is anything NBA players react well to it is being threatened. Stern might want to be more selective in his wording or everything could get shot down…literally.

Great I have my winning ticket for the NFL riding on the New Orleans – Indianapolis game and New Orleans missed on the last touchdown so I didn’t cover the 56 point spread.

Being a Roughrider fan this year is tough because people want to know who you are cheering for now that breaking the QB’s foot is complete. Winnipeg? Screw them they got the Jets and a cool logo, Calgary has the Flames and Cowboys so forget them and Edmonton has Ft. McMurray. Guess I’ll have to go with a true western team Hamilton.

Ken Miller has stepped down as Coach and VP of Operations for the Sask. Roughriders. Ken said he would like to stay but he is getting to an age where he is not so much interested in what players do on the field as keeping punks off his lawn.

Kim Kardashian is cancelling her marriage to NBA player Kris Humphries which was a surprise to Kris as he felt he was giving her sufficient backcourt pressure. No word on how it will affect her show but we ET in an exclusive worldwide interview with Kim, says she will try to keep the divorce private

Phoenix Coyotes forward Raffi Torres is being criticized for wearing blackface while dressed as rapper Jay-Z at a Halloween party. Torres begged forgiveness saying he was Canadian and didn’t know there were any white rappers.

When Canada played the US in the final for water polo gold medal at the Pan Am Games ESPN tried to sexy up the game by promoting it as half naked women tossing a ball by the pool and charging $3.99 a minute to watch.

2011-09-20T05:55:00.001-07:00

FormerEdmonton Eskimo Adam Braidwood is facing more weapon charges after a gunfireincident in Port Coquitlam, B.C. Braidwood was upset saying he was merely trying to get into shape tojoin the Cincinnati Bengals.

The numberof cougar sightings in Vancouver has raised the alarm of parents, policeofficers and wives who have husbands playing for the Canucks.

Vancouverhas been named one of the world's three worst-dressed cities and fashionistasblame yoga pants and fans who wear the Canucks retro jersey from the ‘80’s.

Canada isturning heads with their play at the Rugby World Cup especially a man nicknamed“Beardo” for his uncontrolled facial hair. Asked what prompted the fashion statement “Beardo” said after gettingpaid to play rugby in Canada he had no money left for razors.

IndianapolisColts QB Payton Manning is said to be using a hyperbolic chamber to helprecover from neck surgeries. Medical expertssay the chamber will help but what that might get him well enough to play thisyear is a time machine.

The lastword Victor Ortiz said to Floyd Mayweather before Mayweather knocked him out?But…

2011-09-16T16:06:00.001-07:00

Former US vice President Dick Cheney is coming to Calgary togive a talk, make some money and exchange enhanced interrogation techniqueswith the Sutters.

A Russian man jumped out a 5 story window, twice, in anattempt to get his wife to stop nagging. Defensive lineman Albert Hainsworth says he considered doing that to getaway from ex-coach Mike Shanahan but couldn’t get up the stairs.

A company in NY is making a 911 Merlot wine that the vintnersays has a Smokey taste. The wine hascaught the eye of the Vancouver Canucks who plan to bottle a wine from their2011 Stanley Cup run and say it will be a Rioting Riesling. Naming a wine after a disaster is somethingthe Toronto Maple Leafs are considering bottling with the Bud Wine. It will feature losing vintages from suchseasons as 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007 etc.

Jack Nicholas says Tiger Woods can still beat his record formost Majors if he gets the 5 inches between his ears under control. Most experts say Tigers biggest problem isthe reported 7 inches in his pants.

Sidney Crosby has been cleared to play without contact so Iguess he is only going to suit up for games against the Vancouver Canucks.

2011-09-09T10:26:00.001-07:00

The Quebec Government is trying to pass legislationthat would protect them from lawsuits if the planned deal with Quebecor overmanagement of a yet to be built arena in Quebec City passes. This isknown in hockey terms as buying a cup before playing hockey.

Vancouver Police have concluded report on the riotafter last Springs Stanley Cup playoff loss could have been prevented. The report says there should have been more Police, better screening and itwouldn’t have hurt if the Vancouver goalie could have stopped a shot or two.

A protest movement against the awarding of the Orderof B.C. to former premier Gordon Campbell appears to be gaining momentum. The award is being compared to retiring the Sedin twins jerseys in tribute totheir playoff performance.

A U.S. judge has cleared the way for an Ohio woman tosue a Vancouver-based software company after naked video-chat photos of herwere snapped without her permission. The court was hearing the case asthis was the 1st time naked pictures of a person other than an athlete,politician or groupie were involved.

40 women in BC have played the longest hockey gameover a period of 10 days. The game beat out a Leaf/Oilers exhibition gamethat was to be played until the 1st goal was scored.

Three office workers in Victoria, B.C., were taken tohospital after unwittingly sampling home-made brownies made with marijuana ontheir break. The workers were given the day off and told to eat a bag ofCheetos and report back in the morning.

Philadelphia Flyers general manager Paul Holmgren hasbeen hospitalized following a bike crash at the New Jersey shore. Holmgren was at the Jersey Shore trying to see if Snookie could skate beforeoffering her a contract as the teams’ enforcer.

What a week in the CFL with Regina beating Winnipeg,Edmonton upsetting Calgary and Hamilton pummeling Montreal. Despite thisthe biggest upset of them all was later when the players received their gamecheques.

2011-09-02T10:55:00.000-07:00

CalgaryFlames GM Jay Feaster has made a couple of salary dumps that seems to indicatein addition to his management skills he also has specialized video shooting skills andfootage from the last NHL GM meetings.

Barry Bondshad his remaining 7 charges against him for obstruction of justice in hisdoping case dropped or as Barry called it a Hat Trick.

JavarisCrittenton, a former player for the National Basketball Association’s WashingtonWizards, was arrested in Southern California in connection with a murder inAtlanta. Officials with Georgia andCalifornia penal systems are hoping to land him as this could be the start of aprison Dream Team.

Tiger Woodswill play in the Frys.com Tournament the 1^st time he has player alesser layout since he stopped by a Buffalo Hooters.

A fierceblustery storm blew out over the East Coast as it headed to NY withmeteorologists saying the damage would have been worse had it not run into the hotair coming from Rex Ryan’s media conference.

Vancouverhas been knocked out of top spot as the world's most livable city because of ahighway closure on Vancouver Island, according to Britain's Economist magazinewhich does the ranking. The magazine wasasked if the rioting played a part and they responded “You call that ariot?” You Colonials are so cute.

Emergencycrews in Langley, B.C. worked to remove a hot-air balloon caught in some treesand power lines near the banks of the Fraser River, but it is not clear how itgot there. Preliminary reports suggestit might have been the last of the Vancouver Canucks playoff fans to return toearth.

The biggestwinners in the BC HST reversal are CFL players who can now add tomatoes totheir Mac and Cheese.

The B.C.government is attempting to seize the $3.1 million home of a West Vancouverwoman charged with human trafficking. The house was used to house people paid so little they were virtualslaves. In a press conference thePresident of the BC Lions says BC Place Stadium is safe as the players don’tlive there.

The StanleyCup took an unexpected tumble in St. John's Tuesday, when it toppled over andfell off a table during a photo op with Boston Bruins player Michael Ryder. For a minute it looked like Vancouver Canucksgoalie Roberto Luongo might be able to catch it but it was deflected and beathim 5 hole.

Authorities in Minnesota say Winnipeg Jetsstar Dustin Byfuglien was arrested after being charged with operating a watercraft while intoxicated. Dustin got support from former teammate Patrick Kanewho Tweeted “Take a cab next time”.

TheSaskatchewan Roughriders and Winnipeg Blue Bombers are exchanging taunts viabillboard ads in the opposing cities. Someoneis getting pasted this weekend.

Saskatchewanhas signed a 20 year agreement with the RCMP to continue providing services. Aminor change will now see the force no longer being called the scarlet surgebut the green menace.

Plowed to the Max

2011-08-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

The Oakland Raiders justified their selection of Terrelle Pryor in the supplemental draft saying his immature indiscretions with the Law would balance the more mature indiscretions of the team in general.

Cincinnati management was outraged because they thought the fix was to go their way and threatened to put a cap in someone’s ass if it wasn’t changed. The official tat of the capping is trademarked PT Patent Threatened!

Giving a 69 year old with wife a related illness control of the team is a risky matter. The condition Idon’twanttoliveinsaskatchewan is rampant and only the affliction Idon’twanttoliveinedmonton has a higher degree of infection than the wives of coaches working in Saskatchewan. Team officials with both the Riders and Oilers unofficially stated the obvious when they released a statement praising the patience and tolerance or the wives and promising to construct condo’s near the airport... like soon.

Do you know if you play the fight song to the Indianapolis Colts backwards it spells Bret Favre.

The CFL has a history of employing wise, innovative, dedicated men to run many of the great teams and revive moribund franchises which is such a contrast to the idiocy of the legislative process. They should swap places and have CFL executives and coaches in the White House, House of Representatives and Senate. The world would look a whole lot different if the US Chairman of Fed was Angelo Moska, Ken Miller was Chief of Staff and Nancy Pelosi was Commissioner of the CFL.

A planet 4000 light years from earth has been discovered and believed to be covered with diamonds. Astronomers say the planet is carbon rich and they play to name the body Kobe’s Apology.

Former NFL and MLB player Bo Jackson is now the part owner of a Bank. It turns out Bo know credit default swap mortgage backed derivatives as well as baseball.

A sea lion rescued on the west coast of Vancouver Island is in critical condition and hopes for recovery are said to be less than the BC Lions chances for a playoff. Nothing against Se Lions but when did our health care system become transformed as an animal hospital? Natives have other words for a wounded Sea Lion… lunch and a coat.
Over $1 million in Blackberry phones were stolen from a warehouse in Ontario. The thieves were very professional with one Police official calling the robbery Text Book.

Oilsands protesters are planning a gathering in Ottawa and hope to get to the event using hope, love and Unicorn tears for fuel. The protestors say they will have sit downs and local events once they are unable to travel due to lack of oil.

There's a baby boom in Calgary, with the city expecting a record 18,000 births this year. Officials say the youthful population, strong economy and recent visits from NBA players among the reasons.

Calgarians who were upset the NDP under Jack Layton used their City and resources to score political points in Quebec were still planning to attend his funeral. According to a spokesman for the group they just wanted to make sure he was dead.

The Calgary Stampeders vow to get to the bottom of a tweet that landed quarterback Henry Burris in hot water saying sexist taunts have no place outside of normal groupie chat.

A farmer in Saskatchewan is rumored to be the lucky winner of $40 million in the Lotto Max draw. Asked what he plans to do with the winnings the new millionaire said he will just keep farming until it is all gone.

SaskTel has been ordered to make changes in how it collects information from sick workers after an arbitrator ruled the company was not respecting employee privacy. The ruling validated workers claims for missing work due to Rider Fever.

A tax credit is now available for Saskatchewan families with children studying arts. This has led to a rush in classes offering watermelon carving, face painting and opponent taunting.

Money for Nothing

2011-08-20T15:48:00.001-07:00

The Canadian Government is going back to their roots by re-naming the Canadian Military, The Royal Canadian Armed Forces. In an attempt to capture the excitement the Toronto Maple Leafs say they will now refer to GM Brian Burke as the Royal Pain in the Ass.

Quebec police are investigating after a small-town mayor reportedly dumped a gigantic 20 ton boulder onto the lawn of his ex-wife with birthday wishes for her spray painted on the rock. Police are investigating and believe charges may be issued as part of the message was in English thus contravening the Provinces language laws.

The rock is huge and no one remembers seeing one as big since Kobe Bryant apologized to his wife for cheating on her.

The B.C. SPCA is asking for the public's help in identifying two people suspected of dumping three kittens into a garbage can on Vancouver Island. The public is outraged and will not tolerate this kind of behavior. That they leave for the daily dumping on the BC Lions by reporters and fans.

The English Government is promising to conduct war on gangs to combat last week’s riots. This follows other interventions by Briton including the war on terror, war on drugs, and war on gingivitis.

A University of Alberta scientist has figured out a way to transform cattle parts into plastic to offer a potentially profitable alternative to the disposal of all those bits that the mad cow crisis turned into waste. Initial products manufactured with the products will be high demand Alberta items such as Saskatchewan Roughrider hats, flags and foam fingers.

For the first time in franchise history, the Regina Red Sox are the Western Major Baseball League champions. This is the 1st time a team from Regina has won a championship and not used the power of the watermelon.

The Canadian Food Inspection Agency and Canada Safeway are warning the public about a dip that may be contaminated with Listeria. Shoppers are being advised to avoid the dip and spread their money around.

A teenager who tricked hotel guests and restaurant employees to set off fire alarms and sprinkler systems has been convicted under the rarely-used charge of conveying false messages. Lawyers for the boy say they will fight the charge saying if spreading false messages was a crime they would have to arrest everyone involved in the BC Lions Glee Club.

A Vancouver man is fighting a $29 ticket for not wearing a helmet while riding his bicycle, saying the law is a violation of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. The fight is being paid for by the CFL Players Association who seems to have no problem with players being on the field without their helmets. I want to say the guy is a head but upon further review let’s say he is special.

The Alberta Government is being asked to lift restrictions on prescription pain medication saying it is the least that can be done for Flames and Oilers fans.

Chris Johnston of the Tennessee Titans is holding out saying he wants more than running back money. This contrasts with CFL players who hold out for more than pin money.

The new Spy Kids movie is in 4D which includes a card to scratch and sniff to create a visual sensation. The Saskatchewan Roughriders have a similar concept this year it’s called the playbook and it stinks.

The 84 year old Pope was in Spain this week with youth delegates chanting “this is the Pope of the youth” which is similar to the Calgary Flames signing 32 year old defenseman Scott Hannan and calling it part of their youth movement.

Troubled tech giant RIM is introducing a new music service with the 1st song on offer expected to be the Funeral March.

A woman in Germany has not used money in the last 16 years saying she was able to get by on barter and trade. Her lifestyle is a part of a book she has just written called “Living like a CFL player”

Sign of the times

2011-08-11T14:25:00.000-07:00

It was a tough week for the US President and instead of celebrating his 50th birthday he was accused of having no spine, and being the 1st President to preside over a downgrade of the nation’s credit rating. Bond rating companies were a big part of the reason the last economic calamity occurred and they say when they say you have a lowered credibility it is like a Leafs fan calling you a loser.

Being lectured by Standards and Poor is like Tiger Woods former caddy making more money at a PGA tournament with another player than Tiger did as a player in the tournament, odd.

Health Canada has issued a warning about ingesting certain West Coast mussels saying they may induce vomiting. This is not to be confused with the feelings of nausea that many BC Lions fans are feeling despite a consensus the team lacks muscle.

The exploits of SEAL Team 6 were further heightened this week when a helicopter carrying 30 servicemen was shot down with a complete loss of life. The group included over 20 members of SEAL Team 6, which topped off a 3 month period where they successfully accomplished a Somali pirate rescue, celebrated the Bin Laden execution and had their SEAL Team 6 trademark registered to Disney pending a legal challenge. A spokesman for Disney was horrified at the news saying it would do nothing for lunchbox collectables.

It is hoped the legal hostility between Disney and SEAL Team 6 can find common ground during these difficult times. We believe the rumors of Disney’s involvement in the operation are just that because the US military has promised quick justice for the culprits. It wouldn’t look good to see Mickey Mouse on the Homeland Security most wanted poster or have to tell your little one they are taking Pluto to the “farm”.

New evidence recently uncovered show the CIA had Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau under surveillance. After the recent bout of deficit spending has brought the US to their financial knees we can only assume the US learned everything about Trudeau and his fiscal policies and were just slow in implementing them.

A researcher with the University of Saskatchewan has been awarded a prestigious grant to work on post traumatic shock disorder. The committee felt the choice of Regina for a location was a really fortunate coincidence as any breakthroughs in treatment for PTSD can help Rider fans deal with the losing season and shock of not being in contention.

Now is the time Riders to put your nose to the watermelon rindstone.

A new report out says people with an English accent are seen to be more authoritative and comforting. This explains the Riders hiring a new PR spokesman Oliver Twist.

Police in Newfoundland say a robbery at a drug store in Conception Bay South has led to the theft of thousands of pills. Police say many of the pills were contraceptives and are looking into possible connections between the theft and the start of NFL groupie training.

Montreal drivers are becoming nervous after a slab of a tunnel suddenly collapsed barely missing drivers. The accident is different from other infrastructure collapses in the Province like the falling apart of Olympic Stadium as people can’t avoid going to work like they stayed away from Expo games.

A Vancouver cardiologist has been suspended for three months after admitting to sending inappropriate text messages last fall. The review panel said although the texts were related to his profession sending “I (heart) you” to female patients was over the top.

Two Czech tourists jumped into an icy river in an attempt to escape with fossils from B.C.'s Burgess Shale Formation last week. Police are concerned this may be a trend as there have been reports of other fossils coming under attack, most notably Lions head coach Wally Buono.

A Vancouver man who bit off his girlfriend's nose after she refused to have sex with him has been sentenced to eight years for aggravated sexual assault. This seems like a case of biting off the nose to seal his fate.

A judge has hit several Greenpeace protesters with $2,000 fines for unfurling a banner off the Calgary Tower a year ago. As spokesman for Greenpeace was livid saying the protesters were just trying to raise a banner for Calgary and when the Flames do it there is cheering.

More than $130,000 in damage was caused by a fire that destroyed a number of golf carts at the Assiniboine Golf Club on Winnipeg's Ness Avenue Sunday morning. Club members say the course will re-open soon although golfers will experience a walk in the park.

Manitoba's fire commissioner has been fired after financial irregularities were found during a routine audit. Auditors became suspicious when expense reports were filed for shirts supposedly used during the annual fireman’s calendar photo shoot.

Winnipeg may have to forfeit its unofficial title as the mosquito capital of Canada after figures released Thursday show average mosquito counts in the city are the lowest in more than three decades. Tourism officials now say people are not coming to Winnipeg for the usual reasons.

A comment by Toronto Mayor Rob Ford suggesting advertising should be allowed inside school buildings is causing some controversy. Ford said it's ridiculous that school gymnasiums sit empty when they could be generating revenue. In an ironic turn the 1st advertisement to go up in a school was sponsored by Citizens against Rob Ford.

Putting advertisements for companies inside schools is all a part of Ford’s new Toronto which shifts responsibility for things like literacy and ethics to the private sector. Asked to comment Ford thought the idea was a step in a goodly direction.

Tough to tell which Playbook is getting a bigger overhaul, RIM’s Tablet or the Minnesota Vikings offense.

Tiger Woods is having a difficult time separating his personal life from his golf game. After a disappointing weekend of play Tiger was asked who would be holding his club for the PGA Championship and out of habit he said a blond.

Chad Ochocinco says he will stay with a fan at the start of the NFL season with his new team the New England Patriots. The idea is a publicity stunt whereas in the CFL it is known by a more technical term, the living allowance.

Los Angles has approved a new $1.2 billion stadium for the city with a hope they can acquire an NFL franchise by 2014 with the expected relocation of the team to Portland in late 2016.

Tiger Woods says he is having troubles with his grip leading to his new saying grip it you idiot. Funny, a good grip is what Tiger’s hookups say was the most charming thing about him.

There are reports Tiger Woods is looking to hire the caddy that was let go by Adam Scott when he hired the caddy Tiger let go. This is like a wife swap story except it was usually the wife who was left holding the new bag.

According to an insider when Alex Rodriguez was called by MLB to explain his poker games Alex asked “What’s the deal?”

The latest sponsor to flee from Tiger Woods is watch maker Tag Heuer who released a statement saying “It’s time”.

The Toronto Blue Jays have been accused of stealing signs at home leading to an abnormal number of home runs. A quick look at their record shows the sign they most often steal is the sign of surrender.

Tossing rookies under the bus

2011-08-04T15:17:00.000-07:00

2011 NFL Labour Lockout/ Lawsuits/ Deal/Agreement/Capitulation Highlights
After tying up negotiations with a lawsuit QB’s from the plaintiffs may initially be reluctant to take to the field and 15 yards is probably not enough of a penalty for roughing the passer

The biggest haircut was to the service industry where the price of priceless hair has remained like the chemicals they use… stagnant.

Rookies were shown how easy negotiations can be with NFL owners creating an unusually small revenue stream for sycophants, knob polishers and agents. What the rookies learned was to hire a lawyer and they will do it all.

Most segments of the sycophant industry are reporting huge decreases year over year. The new labour deal creates an amendment to the contract binding future litigants to a trickled on style of arbitration. That’s where the ones with money, owners, piss on the pile of money in question, spend it and eventually everyone will touch some of the money. Not a trickle down model more a tinkled on theory.

The contract has resulted in a new locker-room taunt for NFL rookies. “Hope you got a lot of guaranteed money”. This replaces the previous chant to an NFL rookie “You’re paying”.

Randy Moss retired and as a person who satirizes professional sport I thought “finally!” As a joke creator he was unparalleled. Who can write funnier shit than the stuff that came out of his mouth?

Often traded DL Albert Haynsworth reported for training camp and was asked how he was dealing with putting on different colors again, to which he replied I want to go back to McDonalds.

Payton Manning gave up $2 million a year to play in Indianapolis for the Colts. A survey among retired QB’s revealed, when asked if they would have considered giving up $2 million to play for a former team, revealed the number 1 response was “When was that?” Compared to giving up your health, memory and hope a couple of million isn’t that big a deal.

The NFL is trying to counteract the popularity of gangstra/guns messages of many of the players. Commissioner Roger Gödel has a new Yutube he hopes will go viral titled Drive by Moneying in which he tries to smother the Urban demographic with advertising glorifying the violence making money while driving out of Town, with the money and returning in 2 weeks for more. I think the director is Ludacris… or some crisis.

Did Chris Chelios get elected to the USA Hockey Hall of Fame as a player or an inventor?

The movie Planet of the Apes is origins take on a genetically and pharmacologically enhanced Primates flick from the ‘70’s. The Primates then form together creating a super species and is based on actual stories from College Football Try-Outs.

A disturbing new fad is the so called “flashrob” where people get together on social media sites and mob a store to rob it. Crime experts see it as a combination of “flashmobs” from social media and free agency in that the mobs go where there is money, owners are powerless to prevent them from getting everything and for the paying customer, it will take a while to re-stock the shelves.

Chad Ochocinco says he could beat Canadian MMA star Georges St. Pierre in a fight, but I’m guessing if Chad got into the ring at the end he would be calling himself OUCHocinco.

Alex Rodriguez is being investigated by the MLB after allegations he has been involved in underground poker games. The evidence came to light when MLB was shown pictures of Alex constantly walking around without a top leading to speculation he is losing his shirt. Are we really surprised Alex is being investigated for poke her?

The NDP is being criticized for appointing a former member of a separatist party to be their interim leader. To me the critique is overdone I mean if LeBron can take his talent to South Beach why should party leaders be held to a different standard in Quebec? Politics is all a game there.

Big shout out to Edward Kay who was a driving force in creating The Heart of Laughter featuring some confused comedy teacher. Edward had his children’s show, Jimmy Two Shoes, nominated for a Gemini Award… Go Edward! Can’t wait to see you in a Tux!

Montreal Time

2011-07-28T16:15:00.001-07:00

Montreal Alouette fans are the only ones in North America that cheer loudest when their team challenges a ruling.

It might be a French thing but the last minute of the Saskatchewan-Montreal game with the Alouettes trying to pull off a miracle, lasted 23 plays, with Saskatchewan finally running out the clock after it was obvious Montreal was out of hope. The last 3 plays were like a Montreal beauty 36-24-36. 36 seconds left and Montreal turns over the ball. 24 seconds left when Saskatchewan turns over the ball and 36 seconds suddenly left, again, for Montreal to try and score.

The biggest losers in the new NFL collective bargaining agreement will be rookies who are now subject to a salary cap. This means most College players will now need at least 6 games under their belt before they can pay back all the “loans” from College “recruiters”.

The wife of Rupert Murdoch, Wendi Deng, leaped to his defense and thwarted a rush from an oncoming protester trying to hit her husband with a pie. Asked to comment battered and bruised Winnipeg Blue Bombers QB Buck Pierce thought his running backs could learn how to pick up the blitz from her.

A new study says men cheat on their partners for certain reasons such as being a risk taker, are easily aroused or they are taking an NBA road trip. Women cheat mostly because the guy they are with is taking NBA road trips.

3 people in Regina have been charged with operating a sophisticated marijuana grow operation by planting the pot between a crop of watermelons. Police say the 3 will be charged with trafficking, distributing and failure to produce enough watermelon helmets for the game against Calgary.

Brains of former CFL players have been donated to the Canadian Sports Concussion Project and a pattern has emerged with those players most likely to have damage graduating from the School of Hard Knocks.

Toronto is considering turning their Library over to private interests and in keeping with the Cities new green energy policies will burn all the environmental books to power a fan to keep the Mayor from sweating on everyone.
Calgary is looking to expand their home sharing plan where seniors live with a student to include seniors living with a health care worker. The expansion came about when a survey found most of the seniors play for the Calgary Flames and need special medical attention.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft took a shot at Washington by saying if the NFL can come to a deal on a collective bargaining agreement they should be able to do something on the debt ceiling. Both negotiations revolve around rookies with the NFL throwing their new players under the bus to get an agreement and Washington Tea Party rookies prepared to throw their country off the cliff to destroy any chance of getting one.

A Pastor in the US while giving a blessing to a NASCAR race thanked God for his “Smoking Hot Wife” which was followed by an awkward moment when the Pit Crews all chimed in “Amen”. Good thing the Pastor wasn’t Catholic or he would have been thanking God for the smoking hot young male peanut vendors.

A report out of Philadelphia says former Flyers Mike Richards and Jeff Carter were traded because of their drinking problems. The report is being denied by the players although fans of the Flyers figure someone was drunk when the trades happened.

This is not the 1st time this year an NHL team has been accused of drinking heavily with the last one being a GM who was considering signing Alexi Yashin to another contract.

Alberta Premier Ed Stelmach says the Province cannot give money to private business because they can’t appear to be picking winners, which is why they are giving $100 million to the Edmonton Oilers. Ed says no one can accuse the Oilers of being winners.

GE is sending their X-Ray business to China but they say they will use the tax breaks fought for by Tea Party members to see if they can find US jobs.

The US soccer association fired men’s coach Bob Bradley after a couple of poor results. Bradley says he was disappointed by the decision but will use his lack of success and scoring to make a run for Congress.

The Republican Party is deeply divided on what to do with the debt crisis. Tea Party members want the country to go bankrupt while the more moderate members want to give everyone a gun and let God figure it out.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford wants to cut all cultural services to balance the city’s budget. Ford says with the Jays, Leafs and Raptors Toronto has all the culture a World Class City needs.

The City of Edmonton is replacing all its 98,000 traditional street lights with high-efficiency LED lighting in an effort to save money. The city will now have dim bulbs in both the street and running their beloved Oilers.

Raising the ceiling

2011-07-19T11:55:00.000-07:00

The United States is riveted by the negotiations to raise the debt ceiling with all sides hoping the NFL can come to an agreement on rookie salaries.

NFL owners and players are close to a deal that would end the lockout and Commissioner Roger Goddell says they should be ready to practice next week, begin contracts before that and, he will start fining players as soon as humanly possible.

The Alberta PC’s are picking a new leader with the hopefuls busy distancing themselves from the horrible atrocities committed by former Premier Ed Stelmach, all committed while the candidates were in some way responsible, accountable and a part of the mess. This is also known in sporting language as the Leafs getting a new GM.

Hacking has become a worldwide problem with the lives and secrets of famous and successful individuals under constant attack. Researchers studying the phenomenon say the choices are to accept the hacks and guard your communications, to acquire costly anti-hack protection, or go off grid and play for the Phoenix Coyotes.

Remember the good old days when most hacks were sportswriters and you could get rid of them by leaving your drink and pretending to go to the bathroom?

Three Canadians have earned spots in the upcoming Toronto Open. Officials feel the presence of the Canadians will hopefully double the expected TV audience.

Record rains in the Prairies have devastated specialty crops such as peas, squash and watermelons. Spokesmen for the Watermelon Crops Growers say they will still be able to supply demand for salads and picnics as there is not the demand from Saskatchewan Roughrider fans this year. Wearing a watermelon on your head is a lot more popular when your team is not getting their ass kicked.

Canadian Comedy from Dumbbells

2011-07-18T10:11:00.000-07:00

Canadian Comedy from Dumbbells

In order to go forward, we sometimes need to look at the past. This is depressingly true of most aspects in life, but more so in comedy. If I was to ask (and have) comics what they thought of the Dumbbells comics would say most Club managers were doing the best they could... Rim Shot!

With the return from Afghanistan my deeply rooted connection to Canadian troops in war is filled with pride of Canadian success, sorrowed by the scandal of others, and hoping they find a peace after the conflict. The Canadian sense of humour we currently enjoy and sometimes trample to death in politically correct backlashes, started in WWI with the Dumbbells.

The Dumbbells were Canada’s 1st official attempt at putting fools clowns, and singers in charge of morale at the front line. Previously they were called “Officers”... Rim Shot! The Dumbbells called themselves a Concert Party, probably the most ironic name for a Tour since Cher’s initial “Farewell Concert” of the late ‘90’s. A Concert Party with the Dumbbells was close to the front line, had elements of comedy, and song, knew how to catch applause and when needed shrapnel. The Dumbbells were like most branches of the military, deployed in waves, the 1st of which consisted of…
Merton Plunkett, managing director and comedian
Albert Plunkett a baritone
Ted Charters, assistant manager and comedian
Ross Hamilton ('Marjorie') female impersonator
Allan Murray ('Marie from Montreal') female impersonator
Jack Ayre, pianist and music director
Bill Tennent, tenor
Bert Langley, bass baritone
Frank (later Jerry) Brayford actor
Leonard Young actor

The second wave added Bill Redpath, Elmer Belding, George Thorne, Andrew Catrano, J. McCormick, and D.L. Michie. From this group came the beginnings of the Canadian sense of humour… eh.

Unlike other more publicized entertainment from the World Wars the Dumbbells are an afterthought in Canadian history books, if they are even mentioned. They probably wouldn’t want it any other way. The Dumbbells were skilled at taking the harsh realities of life in the trenches of WWI and making it funny. Songs like 'These Wild, Wild Women Are Making a Wild Man of Me' and 'I Know Where the Flies Go', 'Hello My Dearie' (a duet by Hamilton as “Marjorie” and Tennent) and, 'Someday I'll Make You Love Me' (Hamilton as ”Marjorie”). The fly song of all others summed up the spirit of the Concert Parties in the hilarious twist on a psychologically numbing reality of flies in the trenches. Would have been amazing to see them in person… Oh to be a fly on the wall… sorry.

The jokes of the Dumbbells spread faster than malaria on a gangrened hand. The comedy they created and encouraged, fuelled what has become the Canadian sense of humour. This is to laugh in the face of death and things that are worse.

If you are a comic, Canadian or happy to have the troops home, learn about the comic history of Canada’s Military. http://bit.ly/nI3DPc

Tiger clearly seen

2011-07-15T18:52:00.000-07:00

I was just turning 40 and watching the bloom fade from my youth and then along came Tiger. Tiger was about to redefine everything we knew about the game of the elderly. The game I was being moved into by father time. I saw golf getting sexy and I could play it, not Tiger like in any way, but who could?

His fall from grace and pinnacle was spectacular. The puns are hilarious, not a good sign. As a piece of comic advice never do anything that can be turned into a pun. Ask Congressman Weiner. Has he lost his stroke? The Tail of Tiger. Penalized for too many holes in one. No need to go further.

In all of the scandal no one is asking the questions. Was Tiger bred, trained and medicated for optimum golf performance. It looks like from all accounts of Tigers parentage his father, Earl did exercise, encourage and promote his son's talent, so yes to trained. Tigers mom said Earl asked what her handicap was so yes to breeding. As a side not she later revised her answer to say her handicap was picking faithful husbands. Tiger was able at 19, to hit it farther, higher and longer than anyone had ever seen. And his golf game was pretty good too.

Tiger transcended barriers and our adoration fuelled him to unparalleled accomplishments with not only a Championships and Majors but a Trophy Wife as well. And now we find out he was doing it with 10-40 ongoing flings. Why are we punishing this guy again? Envy? Oh yeah he is black and broke down preconceived notions of race in Golf. I think he was even allowed in as the Member of Augustus.

I want to let it go but I can't get over how strikingly similar the traits Tiger had, in golf anyway, were remarkably like those of athletes who have testified about use. The focus is on baseball of course with Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds and Aderly De La Cruz recently being investigated. Football has given up and agreed the average linebacker should be 300 lbs with a 23 inch waist. The Olympics have created their own Drug Testing Events and the Tour de France is also investigating the blood of drivers in cars.

I hate to pile on when someone is down, although I have heard it cost $1500 and is quite refreshing, it seems to make sense that we start asking questions about the stars of golf. I know with advances in technology even the average player can get more wood on it and also hit the ball farther. Tiger was on the leading edge of most technological breakthroughs in dimple design, stroke speed and grip but his help with golfing equipment breakthroughs was down right scary. His length alone... sorry.

Tiger and other athletes visited the clinic of a Canadian doctor for treatment. Think of that, a Canadian Doctor. The Doctor happened to specialize in human growth hormone injections, unique urine samples and creams but that is not important. Tiger saw a Canadian Doctor and thus put his stamp of approval on Socialized Medicine. The guy is on drugs.

Here's the thing, like President Obama said we have to eat our peas. Have the investigation, the trial could be in winter at a resort somewhere, and get as much out as the human condition allows. When it is time for moral action it won't amount to more than a couple of minutes. By then the new breed of Tigers can start training.

Retreat

2011-07-08T10:09:00.000-07:00

Tiger Woods revealed he will not be playing at the British Open this year and will take the rest of the year off golf in order to concentrate on his stroke. Tiger says he has come to realize it’s the sex that allowed him to keep his knees together during his swing so he is looking forward to some bed work. Asked about the beard Tiger says it gives him more acting range in the direct to DVD market.

Tiger is now the Japanese spokesperson for a line of athletic rubs. The line is inspired by the crash that derailed the Tiger myth and called rub a 911.

Most of Canada’s national forces are being called back and the wounded treated for integration back into the Canadian culture. In addition to the Afghanistan combat removal we had the Winnipeg Jets returning and we sent our Sea King air ambulance to pick up the World Cup women in Germany.

Saskatchewan Roughrider paraphernalia generates the 3rd most revenue in Canada behind the Toronto Maple Leafs and Montreal Canadians. Plans are underway to list the Roughriders with a Canadian stock exchange and legitimately develop the watermelon industry. Nothing is greener than watermelons.

José Bautista of the Toronto Blue Jays became the all-time vote getter under the current Major League Baseball All Star Balloting process. Bautista has received nearly 20,000,000 clicks surpassing the previous record set by legendary groupie Alyssa Milano.

The Tour de France is back on with Frenchmen lining the streets to offer encouragement and refreshments to participants in the grueling race. Due to evidence of doping in the past, including up to the morning when they were suiting up to race, the rules now require riders to wear a yellow diaper if they are leading in the race and in positive drug tests.

Riders have to give urine tests following a day of riding 150 to 170 km’s up and down a mountain. Some of the fluids given to the competitors come from fans along the way that thrust bottles in their face. The drug testing agency has now adjusted for this and will allow an 83% error rate for contestants that test positive for a bold yet robust red.

Prince William took a couple of shots on goal during a street hockey game in the NWT and was quickly rewarded with a 2 year $3.5 million dollar free agent contract. The Leafs defended the signing saying he is tall, limited in mobility and has a weak shot or as they call it a top 4 defence man.

Critics of the signing pointed out if they wanted a shutdown guy they should have signed News of the World owner Rupert Murdoch.

TSN, Sportsnet and ESPN are all diving into the violence in pro sports theme with documentaries, discussion panels and statistics driven commentary. The words are delivered by former athletes who obviously are happy just to be able to read a cue card. You can’t argue with their logic as they don’t have writers for a rebuttal.

I love TSN spending hours programming the effects of violent collisions and can’t wait for the follow-up on head injuries called “Why is this man dumber than a 1st Grader?”

Intelligent Life?

2011-06-30T13:42:00.000-07:00

Scientists say they have developed a telescope array that will lead to the discovery of intelligent life within 1 year. The array is powered by a computer able to distinguish static from signals emitted during intense explosions and is being tested during the NFL negotiations. So far no signs of intelligence have been detected.

A 99 year old man who has married for the 1st time says the marriage was not planned but he was going to do the right thing by her.

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman took a page out of Libyan dictator Mohamar Gadhafi’s playbook for the draft by using 2 little girls as a human shield. Bettman then asked if he could take the girls to Phoenix the next time he has to negotiate with Glendale City Council. It worked so well Bettman say he will try to hire similar little girls during trips to any of the 30 unfriendly NHL cities.

The Calgary Flames drafted a Swiss, a Finn, and a 5’6” US born centre and dealt away monster blue liner Robin Reghr thus driving a steak through the Daryl Sutter era.

Calgary drafting a 5’6” centre would never have happened with Sutter as he expected his forwards to have bowel movements bigger than that.

A Canadian goaltender in the under 18 World Cup of Soccer was credited with the rarest of feats when he scored against England. The 2nd rarest feat in soccer is when anyone else scores.

The web dating site Plenty of Fish is considering filing suit over an Alberta Government site that warns of sexually transmitted diseases called Plenty of Syph. No word on if the dating site is going to take any action against the site for the Huston Astros called Plenty of Stiffs.

Citizens of Greece who get 80% of their salary as a pension at age 53 are outraged they are being required to pay more taxes in a bailout deal. The new levy is expected to affect the nearly 1 in 70 Greeks that actually pay taxes.

Researchers at Oxford University have successfully developed a cultured meat grown in a laboratory they say is 80% less harmful on the environment. The name is in dispute as cultured meat is a web dating site for men with manners.

Toronto mayor Rob Ford is being criticized for not attending the gay pride parade to instead go to the cottage. Ford says he is not homophobic and can prove it because he often goes to Stanley Cup parades with the only difference being the size of the Cup.

Canadian soccer great Christine Sinclair score a goal in the women’s world cup despite getting hit in the face and having her nose broken. Play kept on despite the player who hit her rolling on the ground looking for a penalty.

A Calgary oil and gas company was fined $9.3 million for attempting to bribe an overseas official. They apologized saying it was needless as they were just warming up to do some Olympic bribing.

I guess former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich will not be doing commercials for the Hair Club for Men and instead is now going to be joining the share club for men.

An Emperor Penguin was spotted in Australia far away from his natural winter habitat. Sources say Sidney Crosby was just vacationing.

An awkward moment at Wimbledon when newlyweds the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge were asked by Billy Jean King if they thought wearing white was appropriate.

Edmonton Oilers reacquired fan favorite Ryan Smyth and immediately set about trying to fit his mullet under the salary cap.

Los Angeles Laker and former NBA rioting champion Ron Artest is changing his name to Metta World Peace which is Latin for You’re kidding Right? Artest says he will now focus all his energy on peace, love and trying to keep a straight face.

TSN is desperately trying to make a big deal about the NHL free agency on Friday but really if you want to watch boring dated white men debate salaries I suggest you watch re-runs of the NDP filibuster over the Post office.

Shares in RIM have hit historic lows causing NHL commissioner Gary Bettman to gloat saying the league dodged a bullet by not getting an owner who is now only worth 3 or 4 billion. The people he is talking to about Phoenix have way more money, they just don’t want to spend any.

The difference between Jim Balsillie of RIM and NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman is striking. Balsillie is a person who can sell ice to an Eskimo and Bettman can’t sell ice in the Desert.

With Roger Federer losing in the quarterfinals this is the 1st time an Englishman has not been the biggest disappointment at Wimbledon.

A ring and a hero

2011-06-20T16:49:00.000-07:00

The Vancouver Humane Society (VHS) is asking the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge not to engage in any activities relating to the Calgary Stampede when they visit Calgary in July. Spokesman Peter Fricker says the couple should do what all Canadian political leaders do during an election and avoid Calgary altogether.

Peter Fricker, now there is a name that has more double-entendres than Congressman Weiner. And he appears to be nearly as big a dick.

Fricker say the couple should enjoy politically correct Canadian heritage events like riots and has invited the couple to light the opening rag for the Police Car Challenge.

With 2 Irishmen winning the US Open in consecutive years it looks like the Pot of Gold at the end of the rainbow has a putter and 3 iron.

A young Vancouver man who is a nationally ranked water polo player has apologized for trying to light a police car on fire during the annual Stanley Cup riots in Vancouver. The man says he was caught up in the action and now realizes fire and water don’t mix.

The man’s dad is a surgeon in Vancouver so I guess the only advice he could give his son is cut it out.

The NDP is sticking to the word Socialism in their constitution despite objections that the party is really a social democracy. The same discussion was engaged in by Toronto Maple Leaf owners who considered removing hockey team from their description.

I thought the way the NDP handled the new Quebec members was interesting by adopting the view Supreme Court Judges should be bilingual, the separation majority is 50% + 1 and Quebec should get 2 automatic berths into the Stanley Cup playoffs.

Not sure who became a bigger hero after getting his ring this week the Green Lantern or Dirk Nowiski.

The Boston Bruins were at Fenway Park to have a group toss out of the 1st pitch with Red Sox players. All went according to plan until Bruins forward Brad Marchand took offence to a pitch that was a bit high and inside to goaltender Tim Thomas and began to speed bag injured pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka.

The good news for Dodgers owner Frank McCourt is that his wife has accepted $100 million in a divorce settlement with the proceeds coming from the sale of TV rights to Fox network. The bad news the $100 million will be paid out in “Freedom Garden” seeds and Glen Beck memorabilia.

Top 5 tips for wives of the Atlanta Thrashers moving to Winnipeg
# 5 Buy mosquito repellent in bulk
# 4 Water wings make trips to the store less strenuous
# 3 Pick a neighborhood where the gang colours match the team uniform
# 2 Don’t complain remember Louis Riel was arrested for treason
# 1 Count your blessing you are not in Edmonton

If the Conservatives can issue a back to work order for Postal workers can’t they issue a back to playoffs order to the Leafs?

A report out by the Conference Board of Canada says mental illness affects 45% of Canadian workplaces. They went on to say mental illness increases to near 100% at NHL playoff time.

Floods have ravaged parts of south east Saskatchewan with residents reporting they have seen their dogs paddling away for days.

Vancouver Police are looking over more than 1 million pictures of criminal behavior during the Stanley Cup Game 7. In a surprise twist over 500,000 are of Roberto Luongo trying to stop a puck… criminal.

The man who was caught kissing a woman during the Vancouver riot is a stand-up comic who has hired an agent to book him into events. The 1st show is in Syria, followed by a brief performance in Libya and a showcase in Yemen.

Retiring NHL displinarian Colin Campbell figures he gave out $15.3 million in fines during his tenure. As an avid stats fan I calculated this is about the same amount Sunbelt NHL owners lose every year.

The 2011 NHL draft is on Friday and GM’s looking to toughen up their teams are pouring over video of the Vancouver riot. Sources close to a couple of NHL clubs say they saw a few who could light a fire under their teams.

The Florida Marlins have hired 80 year old Jack McKeon to be their next manager. Terms of the deal are 3 weeks with a club option for 4.

Florida residents when asked what they thought of the hiring reserved judgment saying they will give the kid a chance.

Asked how he will handle double headers McKeon replied… depends.

A rookie with the Dallas Mavericks who saw 0 minutes of action had the Larry O’Brien trophy tattooed on his neck. I guess he calls it a Title Neck.

Mail call

2011-06-18T21:43:00.000-07:00

Everyone is wondering why LeBron James is not finishing out games. Look at him. The difference in the size of his arms and chest is noticeable compared to when he was in Cleveland. Maybe he misses his home cooking. Wouldn’t that be ironic that James can only become great by staying in Cleveland and eating the food and drinking the water?

I feel really bad for the NBA announcers who wanted to do a game 7 like they have been cheated somehow. I want to wear a ribbon or something. I wonder if NBA.com has a place to buy a souvenir?

Nothing is more American than a German star claiming a trophy made by Tiffany for a sport invented by a Canadian.

It has to be a bummer for LeBron as he is booed when he lost the playoff and then goes home to Cleveland and be booed for getting into the playoff.

The great thing about the NBA is that a short white guy who can’t run or jump will determine the outcome of a season, so way to go David Stearn for putting the NBA in the brink of a lockout. It’s ironic that between Stearn and Roger Goodell the two most un-athletic men in America are going to be the biggest players in the offseason.

LeBron says in a Tweet “The greater man upstairs knows when it is my time”, really? Now he’s got to hear from Pat Riley before he wins it all?

Love LeBron saying his detractors will have to go back to their life of problems and he can continue to be himself. Nothing is more special than an overpaid athlete reminding the fans he lives better than him. I would be chocked up but I think the Heat player might have a monopoly on chocking.

Bigger wiener LeBron or Democratic politician Anthony… discuss.

Reporters are saying LeBron could learn from Dirk Nowizki after Dirk was criticized in losing the 2006 NBA Finals. The difference is Dirk stayed with his team and learned to become a leader whereas LeBron quit on both his teams and leads only in petulance.

Air Canada is on strike and to those who saw Vince Carter play in the post season you could say the nickname was already grounded.

Several police officers in southern Ontario's Niagara region have been caught cheating on exams that are part of the force's promotion process. This came as a shock as the officers say they thought being given the questions and answers in advance was a part of the Thin Blue Lie.

A man was shot 4 times and killed by Calgary Police after a domestic dispute. The man had his picture in the paper with him in Saskatchewan Roughrider clothing meaning he was a die-hard fan.

The Police Chief of Calgary quickly came out in support of the killing which is like the Canucks coach defending his player after an illegal hit.

A man in Quebec has written a new “National” anthem for Quebec called Oh Quebec. The anthem is a big hit with Separatists who have decried the lack of Federal funding for the song.

Canada has a bad decade

2011-06-15T21:15:00.000-07:00

A cloud descended on Vancouver Wednesday and then the damn Canucks had to go and lose.

First it was Calgary in ’04, Edmonton in ’06 and now Vancouver in “11. All of them lost in the Stanley Cup final in 7 games. We been primed with gas about how Vancouver is our team for the past 4 months of playoff hockey and again we Canadians miss out on the celebration. Except for the75% of the roster that is Canadian and who play for Boston, it has been a year of heartrending pain for Canadian teams and their fans.

Remember the World Juniors? Ouch enough said! As an Oilers fan it was downhill after 10 games, same for the Senators really. Calgary tanked at the start and couldn’t make the playoffs despite a valiant run and Toronto… well… the Leafs played better in the last 20 games but they were out of the playoffs as a Christmas present to their fans. Even Montreal, who had a great team and whose fans would usually provide a source of great happiness when an English Canadian team loses in the finals, even the Quebecois were not happy. The fans of les Habitants hate Bruins even more than Canucks.

The loss by the Canadian women in the World hockey championships to the American team for the gold medal was surprising. I expected the Men’s team we sent to the Worlds to get beat but I always thought Canadian women could kick any ass. It could be just the women I have married.

Winnipeg finally gets a franchise and they don’t get Phoenix who has been in the playoffs for the past couple of years and has all the great draft picks and prospects. For 3 years people in Winnipeg have been watching, in wonder, as the team they thought they would get be the recipient of some unbelievable lottery luck, incredible free agent signings and trades. But when the time comes to get a team, they get Atlanta who hasn’t made the playoffs in forever. The small consolation is for Leaf fans who are now not the Canadian standard for ineptitude.

It should be noted hands down as the worst year of hockey ever for Canadian fans. Except for the Stanley cup winning Canadian players, coaches, their families and groupies, about the only Canadian who slept well on Wednesday was Don Cherry. Ironic doesn’t even begin to cover it. The guy who would bleed maple leaf if you cut him is happy the Bruins won.

It is the worst year in the history of Canadian hockey and I can’t wait until training camp starts in August so we can win them all next year.

Textbook pass

2011-06-07T12:05:00.001-07:00

If the Canucks don’t win the Cup it will be the second time in a couple months Vancouverites were forced to cancel their rapture. Could you imagine if the Canucks lose and the next rapture (October 21st tickets still available) comes? Going from living in a city most consider heaven on earth to a life time of being in heaven but forever knowing your team blew a 2 game lead in the Stanley Cup Finals. That would be hell.

Winnipeg officials are looking into allegations of corruption in the season ticket auction when it was discovered profiteers bought tickets. Among those getting tickets ahead of loyal Jets fans are Bernie Madoff, OJ Simpson and Seth Bladder. A spokesman for Conrad Black was interested in purchasing tickets and had to wait until after lockdown to see if his bookie was able to get them.

People are questioning the defense suggestion in the DSM assault trial, that the 32 yr old woman agreed to consensual sex with an aging, balding, pudgy man within minutes of seeing him. Sources close to the team of lawyers say they plan to introduce evidence DSM told her he was a professional a curler which also explains testimony of the victim who said he kept yelling hurry… hard.

The Alberta Government was rocked with allegations of preferential treatment in health care when a former director’s words and memo’s from his time in the health care system, pointed to MLA’s moving their friends and family to the front of treatment wait lists. A spokesman for the Calgary Flames was critical saying like inoculations the team was assured they came 1st.

People across Canada are outraged that packages to those serving for little pay on the front line may be affected by the postal strike. This includes both the armed forces care packages and a CFL players training camp emergency food rations from home. At 1st the spokesman for the Canadian Football Players Association was up in arms over the postage strike until he was assured it wouldn’t affect the players’ food stamps.

Stripping the BCS title away from the USC Trojans is harsh man it is like taking away the Tierra from the toddler. It is ironic the length of time it took to strip away the title as usually a Trojan falls right off.

Apple introduced the iCloud today. Was excited until I realized I had it misspelled, I thought it was iclod. Isn’t keeping important information in a space with continuous access what an attic is for?

I wonder if the Winnipeg Jets will claim the new $1000 hiring credit for new employees from the federal budget. Talk about sucking up to Manitoba all Quebec got was a bridge, a couple billion for a 15 year old tax adjustment and a whole new group of wealthy retirees on a MP’s pension.

The Montreal Canadians are producing a public message to remind fans everyone is special. The video is a response to recent claims the Smurfs were not small cute cartoons but rather a tool for hatred and Nazi propaganda and the Canadians decided to avert any bad publicity from their roster.

Vacation in Vancouver

2011-05-31T09:48:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt who had his team taken over by MLB says he needs $30 million to meet next month’s obligations. Ironically the majority of the money is to be paid to a woman who is no longer with him and a player who tested positive for being a woman who is also no longer with him. Anyone tested Frank?

The start of the Champions League final between United and Barcelona was a mirror image with Beefeaters bringing out the Cup, while in the stands those eating beef were in their cups.

Like most Albertans I am excited to see the Canucks in the Stanley Cup final because if they win our friends in BC will be in a better mood when we crash at their place for July and August.

Go Canucks but only because I lost a bet which is ironic because if I had won my bet I would have been able to spend a day or 2 vacationing in Vancouver.

Floods in Quebec, fires in Alberta & Canucks in Cup.

2011-05-31T09:45:00.000-07:00

Re: Floods in Quebec, fires in Alberta and Canucks in the Cup.

With the return from Afghanistan of our combat forces now is the time to remind Quebec and the rest of Canada what living here means. The returning troops have previously been charged with bringing order, restoring vital services and building infrastructure in a war torn region. This is a laundry list of the needs of Canadians after the recent fires and floods that have devastated communities. Best of all we promise not to shoot at you while building a school.

Beyond the obvious it would retain the Esprit de Corps of a highly trained dedicated group of Canadians who volunteered for duty. Our troops in addition to being combat and peacekeeping have become leaders in reconstruction combat. This branch of our military attempts to restore what was bombed yesterday in retaliation for previous bombings. They are highly experienced units with specialties in electrical and structural engineering, communications, earth moving and are recognized trailblazers in the number of Timmie’s opened per sq. ft. We set the double double standard.

Let’s keep this highly trained urgently needed force together and focus on Canadian sewers, telecommunications, roads and most of all cable for the Canadians, Jets and Leafs games.

Go Canucks because I lost a bet.

Derek Wilken

Happy 300

2011-05-31T09:43:00.000-07:00

As those of you know column 200 had my 1st hate letter... causing me joy.

I now have nothing to report after column 300.

Damn.

I'll Bareback

2011-05-17T15:21:00.000-07:00

Nashville Predators received a lot of lucky bounces in the playoff with Vancouver Canucks. This was made easier when there was 179 “lucky bounces” recorded by playoff prognosticators. The Nashville ice was flooded no doubt due to the rivers rising in Memphis, which made the Game 6 ice resemble an indoor stock-car oval.

Top 5 signs the NHL ice has too much bounce
# 5 Linesman drops the puck and it springs over the netting.
# 4 You get a penalty for double dribbling
# 3 Ice described as having more bounce than a cheque from Boots Del Biaggio
# 2 Goaltenders trade to shortstop glove
# 1 The final score of the game was 30 – love.

I am a Calgary Flames fan so I was a bit pissed when Ric Nash leveled Michael Backland. Is the World Championships really the place to get your edge back? A late blindside hit to a defenseless player. Really Rick? That is your contribution to the World Championships? I know our teams are more accountable than in previous years, they don’t get locked up in jail before matches as much, I just think we expect more than gold at any cost. Canuck Up! The only thing you should leave your feet for in Slovakia is rats.

I picked Nashville to win and was the subject of much scorn from seasoned grizzled one foot on banana peel experts so I will Canuck Up. I though Nashville would surprise. They didn’t. Come on Sedins, you are now representing the hopes and dreams of my Canada… bring the Cup home to the true north.

Boy Thor sure has nothing on the way the NHL has brought the hammer down on head shots.

There will be a new feature for the Don Cherry Rock em Sock em videos in reaction to all the concussion controversy. From now on when you see a vicious head hit a computer program automatically calculate the loss of IQ and shows them on a special pop up screen. As a sidebar a lot of commentators were fighters.

Brock Lesnar has pulled out of his UFC 131 fight in Vancouver with an intestinal disorder as it appears even his stomach can’t stomach the steroids.

Seriously I would have bet the bull would have been thrown by the stuff coming out of Chad Ochocinco than vice versa. Lasting 1.5 seconds is about what I expected but I thought maybe if he could have done a few pus ups in the ring he might have amused the bull for a couple more seconds.

Chad and Bull sounds like a great English pub to get spotted dick

I know sports have removed steroids from the athletes, you can see how clean the MMA guys look, but I think someone has to test Jose Baltista again. For a guy that can hit the ball out of the park with each swing he looks like he needs a meal.

Not to say there was ever any doubt but looking at pictures of Chris Bosh and LeBron James from 2 years ago you have to wonder if they forgot their muscles when they took their talents to South Beach. I’m sure it is just the lighting in Miami but those pipes look a few inches smaller in diameter.

Now that I Canucked Up and am cheering for Vancouver I can’t help but notice they have 2 green men near the penalty box. Anyone else notice them? You will recognize what they look like if you have ever visited Vancouver as they don’t appear to have any money left in their pockets.

The Vancouver Canucks are trying new ways to increase their fan base. 1st they get Canada behind them for the playoffs and now they appear to be trying to get soccer fans to follow their diving.

Now that Donald Trump has decided not to run for president of the USA all of America will have to wait to see who the next hair apparent is.

I guess Arnold is regretting his latest slogan “I’ll be bareback”.

Jesse Lumsden is retiring from football although he says he can still be an effective runner. The problem is when he carries the mail he is usually delivered to an emergency.

When I was a kid in Saskatchewan the only games we could get on our radio was the Minnesota Twins and it is with sadness I learned of the death of Harmon Killebrew. I can’t remember how many home runs I hit pretending I was him but my bat was full of dings from the rocks I used as balls.

A bow to Leafs management

2011-05-05T17:17:00.000-07:00

It really shouldn’t be surprising Toronto set a record for attendance at an MME event this is a City that can appreciate getting knocked out early and often.

Jack Layton of the NDP was accused of getting a massage at a bawdy house. The revelations came to light that the massage parlor was offering happy ending when the name of the studio was found in Brett Favres address book.

Love the new TV show Extreme Couponing or as it is known in Canada CFL players go shopping for clothes.

The Pope has given his blessing to former Pope John Paul to become a Saint. What was needed was confirmation of a miracle and it was proven from betting stubs that John Paul correctly picked the 1969 NY Mets to win the World Series.

Now that Osama Bin Laden in gone Canada can turn its attention to finding the Sedin twins.

The news of Osama being killed was delivered to a lot of people while they were at baseball games which caused such a cheer at the Boston Red Sox games that at 1st fans thought the Sox had signed a relief pitcher from Pakistan.

Al Qaida is incensed over the death of Osama saying the shooter should have gotten at least 4 games for the head shot.

The technology reviewers are giving RIM’s Playbook thumbs down calling it harder to access than an NFL playbook.

This weekend is mother’s day or it is known in the NBA “Who’s your daddy?”

The sporting world was rocked with the suicide and oddly ironic death of former pro football player Dave Duerson. Revelations following his death show he was motivated to shoot himself in the stomach in order to donate his brain to head injury research. A spokesperson for Sarah Palin was outraged saying if he really wanted to preserve the meat the correct procedure is to open your neck with a Bowie knife.

Keith Primeau has created a website called stopconcussions.com to educate people on the effects of head trauma. I’m confused does he want the site to get a lot of hits or not?

The leadership of Japan met with people who have been devastated by the earthquake and nuclear meltdown and in a show of contrition bowed deeply in shame. The Toronto Maple Leafs when asked if this was perhaps something management should consider bowed out of the question. If the Maple Leafs management had to bow every time they devastated their fan base they would have to remove the legs from their desks.

Concrete Results

2011-04-28T22:04:00.001-07:00

The DSM a manual that determines what is a mental illness is classifying grief as a disorder. The classification is in two parts bad grief like the loss of a loved one and good grief which is what Toronto sports fans feel at playoff time.

Don Cherry ended his Easter Show with a shout out to God by saying “You can’t beat Jesus”. This was quickly refuted by a psychic from Sudbury who claimed the spirit of deceased NHL coach and noted video nut Roger Nielson spoke to him. He said Jesus could be beat high to the glove side.

Noted environmentalist and Boston Bruins defenseman Andrew Ference says he was not giving Montreal Canadians fans the finger but in Support of Earth Day was giving the finger to the Alberta tarsands. Later in game 7 Ference gave a Montreal forward the cold shoulder.

Montreal Canadians fans were incensed by the gesture of Bruins Andrew Ference. The PQ quickly capitalized on it by calling the gesture anti French and then demanded Federal funding for a foam finger that could be handed out at the next Bruins game. Instead of #1 the foam finger would have FO for French Only.

Watching Cherry Salute the Queen makes me realize he is about the closest thing we have to royalty in Canada, except he has more hair than the average Prince. Don’s suits were the topic of conversation on the ESPN talk show Around the Horn. This is like suddenly discovering Terry Bradshaw had a concussion or 30.

It seems like NHL hockey is the only sport where robbed is considered part of the statistics. You know wins… losses…robbed… the referee robbed him… the timekeeper robbed him… his manager… you get the idea.

I might be watching too many gang and corruption movies and reading too many newspapers and books but every time I see a controversial call late in a game I immediately try to guess who is being bribed. If I had the skill I know I could download an App that would allow me to track the fixes but I am a bit behind on technology I don’t know what an App is but I’ve been told it is like a VHS.

I feel bad for Nashville because with the Predators winning the team robbed country music lovers of a great somebody done somebody wrong song by Carrie Underwood. They had a couple of really bad calls at the end of game 6 that would have looked great in a video overlaid with Carrie weeping into a roll of gauze.

Teemu Selanie of the Anaheim Ducks is going to have a difficult decision on retiring because as a senior in the NHL health plan with over 20 years he is finally entitled to free dental.

The Royal Wedding is competing with the Stanley Cup playoffs and it is tough to tell who is getting the most coverage. Let’s face it there is not much difference between a shot of people celebrating at a British Pub and a video of an NHL team celebrating a goal. They have the same teeth just different jerseys, Go United!

Head Games

2011-04-18T14:46:00.001-07:00

With all of the outrage and discussion on head shots delivered to professional athletes you would think this was the most brutal way to make a living since men were chained to oars and made to pull. Unless I am mistaken the games we play are all about hitting and the head sometimes gets in the way. It is an occupational hazard like smoke is to firefighters, drunken brawls are to police officers and STD’s are to rock stars.

Why are we so concerned about men and women who CHOOSE to play a game and get money, fame and adoration for their efforts? This is not about slave labourers who have no choice or miners that need to feed their family. This is men and women who CHOOSE to make millions and know the risk.

I feel bad for people who suffer concussions but compared to someone who works in a dangerous job and gets injured and then has to try and collect from workman’s compensation, it isn’t even close. Some workers have to take dangerous jobs to feed their families and we don’t have commissions, daily commentary and people pushing for their safety the way we do for millionaire athletes who play a game.

Life is not fair. If you want to play a game for a living the chances are you will get hurt. If you really want me to feel sorry for you take a job cleaning sewers and you will have it. Otherwise accept that you play a game and get paid more in one year than the average person will get in a lifetime. Shut up already and stop believing everything you hear from the talking heads. You are not that hard done by!

Masters 3 wqy 3 hole hayride

2011-04-14T12:37:00.000-07:00

I wonder if the Gay and Lesbian Alliance have thought of creating an alternative to the Masters Golf tournament. Same name but give a prize of green cardigan.

When Tiger is in the hunt at the Master the voice of the announcers go up in excitement. Come on already get a booth.

Listening to the commentators it was like they were watching their sons get beat up by a bunch young whipper snappers.

They started to replay Tiger missing a putt to show what he should have done. It was like watching Howie Meeker critique Wayne Gretzky with a telestrator.

Watching Tiger is like a commercial for a Bi-Polar medication. Tiger hasn’t had this many ups and down since last Saturday at his annual 3 hole pre Masters 3 way.

Tiger hasn’t been in so much straw since his annual pre-Master 3 hole 3 way hayride.

Tiger hasn’t uttered as many profanities since his annual pre Masters 3 way 3 hole BBQ was cancelled.

Watching Tiger make a charge on Sunday was unusual for his golf standards but according to his mistresses coming from behind isn’t unheard-of.

The US government almost shut down in a dispute centering on Planned Parenthood. The last large organization to almost shut down due to reproduction issues was the NY Jets.

Jason Day had a shot that averages 340 yards off the tee. The only person known to be longer off the tee was Milton Berle.

Barry Bonds personal trainer is a key witness to the trial over his lying over steroid use. The shopper says she was willing to overlook his being injected with drugs but buying a new hat every week drove her batty.

Edmonton politicians want taxpayers in Alberta to fund a new arena for the Oilers saying it benefits all Albertans. This is true because without the Oilers the Flames start to look uncompetitive.

Upset after her application to attend the leaders debate was denied Green Party leader Elizabeth May invited voters to watch the broadcast with her. This is similar to what Brian Burke of the Toronto Maple Leafs intends to do if his application to include the Leafs in the playoffs is turned down. Burke says the Leafs have millions of fans and must be a part of any national sport playoff for the sake of democracy.

LA Lakers forward Kobe Bryant was in hot water after yelling homophobic slurs during a game this week. The team was incensed saying Kobe has to straighten up.

With the floods in Manitoba becoming severe a call has gone out to Gary Bettman who has shown exceptional skill in sandbagging Winnipeg for years over the return of the Jets.

Iceland has just opened a penis museum which has the largest collection of pricks outside of the Chicago Blackhawks locker room.

There was a scary moment in Calgary when a roof over the dining room of a senior citizens complex collapsed. Officials say the damage could have been worse but most of the Flames had opted out of the optional meal.

Canadian hockey fans should look at the Nashville as they have the kind of team that will remind us of past Stanley Cup contenders like the 2006 Edmonton Oilers, the 2005 Calgary Flames and the 1942 Toronto Maple Leafs.

Babies Unlimited

2011-04-07T12:52:00.001-07:00

The trial of Barry Bonds took an interesting turn when prosecutors had chemists try to match his piss while defending council engaged in a pissing match.

Manchester United forward Wayne Rooney was penalized 2 games for swearing after scoring a goal. If the rule was applied to other sports some NHL players would receive the death penalty.

Turned on the NCAA College Basketball final but must have accidentally gotten the renovation channel as all I saw were players tossing up bricks. With scoring like that in College you have to feel sorry for the next batch of NBA groupies. You know the game was boring when Tiger Woods was yelling “In the hole”.

Green Party Leader Elizabeth May is outraged she won’t be allowed to participate in the TV debate with the other leaders. The broadcasters agreed parties must have at least one seat to join in the debate enraging May who said she has a million votes. The cry was taken up by NFL fans who say they have 50 million supporters yet they are not allowed in contract negotiations to save the season.

Top 5 signs it’s almost playoff time in the NHL
# 5 Leafs are making a run
# 4 San Jose sent out their apologies for an early exit to fans
# 3 Edmonton excited to get a new punter for the Eskimos
# 2 Quebec demanding Alberta send money for riot and riot control equipment
# 1 Phoenix Coyotes say sale of club is “eminent”

A study out of the US says women with 2 or more children have different fathers for the children 25% of the time. The statistic goes up in Cities where there is an NBA franchise.

It must be a lingering holdover from being owned by Disney but the Anaheim Duck sure get a lot of Mickey Mouse calls from officials both for and against them.

The NDP, Liberals and Conservatives have all decided not to campaign in Calgary despite the City being the 4th largest in Canada. The leaders say it is common practice to ignore loyal voters saying crediting the idea from watching how Gary Bettman treats Canadian hockey fans.

The Green Party says it will be fiscally prudent and only increase taxes on the oilsands of Alberta. This is known as the Harold Ballard approach to governing named after the late Toronto Maple Leafs owner who sucked all the money out of the team and then did nothing with it .

10 days after the earthquake destroyed nuclear reactors in Japan the Tokyo Electric Power Company submitted plans for new reactors. In a related story the Ottawa Senators management and coaches will meet this week to plan next year’s team.

Telus say they will have the 1st 4G network in Canada by 2012 a claim contested by the CFL who say they have had a network of players making $4G for years.

A Florida civil liberties group upset at government intervention is advising women to incorporate their uteruses to protect them. The resulting rush to become a company has put a run on the names NY Jets Baby Unlimited, Travis Territory LTD. and The Brady Bunch Inc.

Bloc Quebecois leader Gilles Duceppe is urging voters to reject the Conservatives saying they have to protect Canadian values. I agree remembering with fondness my Dad raising me with stories of how Canadians were a people who demanded separation and if that was not possible blackmailed their neighbors and took pensions for fermenting a treasonous agenda. Duceppe advising Canadians how to vote is like getting Mike Millbury to help select your draft picks and trades.

King Cobra Favre and Away

2011-04-02T13:59:00.000-07:00

Officials in Wisconsin have detected higher than usual traces of radioactive matter in their water which is thought to be fallout from the toxic NFL situation in Green Bay.

After an inspiring victory over Edmonton on Saturday Calgary Flames supporters are left dangling between the bandwagon and the wagon. The group that took the loss harder than Edmonton fans was Calgary sports writers who were banking on a trip to Montreal or Vancouver in the springtime.

The Flames were off to a terrible start in the game and players blamed it on Earth Day saying they decided to shut off the power for the 1st 45 minutes.

In an attempt to be sensitive to the many people rocked by earthquakes, floods and radioactive fallout, the NCAA has banned sports networks covering March Madness from using meltdown, crumble or swept away in the headlines.

I love March Madness it reminds me of a rerun of My name is Nobody.

Even if Barry Bonds is acquitted of charges in his steroid trial you have to feel sorry for him. In testimony his mistress says his head size increased and not in the best way.

Top 5 Tweets by Vancouver fans to Thoeren Fleury
# 5 #$%&%*^$** You!
# 4 Come to Vancouver for a swim in the ocean stay to sleep with the fishes
# 3 Thanks for taking the heat off the HST!
# 2 Didn’t you have your 5 minutes of fame already?
# 1 Calgary should tell their younger players to be quiet!

Italian striker Mario Balotelli is in trouble after throwing darts at the Manchester City youth team. A spokesman for the team tried to play down the incident saying he couldn’t hit the bulls eye with a GPS.

Columbian soccer team Cucuta Deportivo is under investigation after bringing a dead drug gang member into the stadium for a game. The team says he wasn’t dead when he entered but became bored to death during the 0-0 game.

The Conference Board of Canada reports Quebec is the only province where business confidence is increasing. They point to the upcoming hokey playoffs where they say crowbar forgers, spray paint makers and rock sellers expect brisk business during after game celebrations.

A picture of the cobra that escaped from the NY Zoo was taken down from the internet after officials with the Jets confirmed it was a photo shopped shot of Brett Favres junk.

March out like a Lion

2011-03-24T12:09:00.000-07:00

Pittsburgh Penguins forward Matt Cooke is in trouble with the league again for another shot to the head of an opponent. Under the new rules Cooke will be expected to say he is sorry and could be remorseful for up to a week.

It’s difficult to say what is more disturbing, to watch hockey when it is summer or baseball when it is winter. They say spring is on the way when March comes in like a lion. What happens if it comes in like a Detroit Lion all bark and no bite?

A man who was kicked out of a Halifax bar says he has lost his sense of taste. For proof he has shown the judge his latest purchase a vintage Vancouver Canuck yellow and black jersey.

Top 5 signs your March Madness bracket is toast
# 5 Picked you teams based on personality
# 4 Filled your bracket with teams high in morals and integrity
# 3 Your #1 in the draw pick excels academically
# 2 The star freshman from your #1 pick is living up to his name
# 1 Your wife has picked more winners than you

In a sudden reversal Saskatchewan Roughrider mascot Gainer the Gopher has decided to be called a groundhog and now predicts 25 more weeks of winter.

The Conservative Government had a difficult issue this budget. To give $450 million to the Quebec NHL bid or piss off every other Canadian. The complaint from Canadians is the Government will be giving money to billionaires to pay millionaires to play a game. One budget proposal to alleviate this concern was to have a hot dog vendor apply for a $450 million site improvement loan. The idea was nixed when it was discovered they could not find a hot dog stand in Quebec that wasn’t owned by a billionaire. In Toronto Rogers Communication and MLSE officials demanded the witch hunt against the price of hot dogs stop. Out of concern for the Quebec hot dog vendorhood, both companies will donate $.10 from the sale of each special edition $49.95 hot dog will go towards the cost of making it all go away.

I know it is not something we all want to talk about and highly unpopular in Calgary but I am really supportive of the Quebec City NHL arena money. If memory serves the Calgary Flames received a lot of “Infrastructure” funding during the Liberal governments of the ‘70’s and ‘80’s that went into luxury box upgrades and more composite sticks. Fans in Canada (OK Vancouver sorry) have been given nothing but pain and unmet dreams of mediocrity. The suffering should be shared equally by Quebec.
A spokesman for the Quebec “council pour artistique financial independence”, when told of the Quebec City NHL bid and request for $450 million asked for more money for his plate spinning group.

The University of Calgary held a night in support of homelessness where students slept on the floor or as CFL players call it training camp.

The new Wonder Woman costume was unveiled and was immediately panned by Toronto sports broadcast legend Bob McCowan who dismissed it as not being sporty enough.

A 500 lb escaped felon was captured ion Alberta this week. Police say he tried to blend in by passing himself off as an offensive tackle for the Edmonton Eskimos.

Global News' Mark McAllister is feeling better after a scary moment during Monday night's broadcast. McAllister was wrapping up a piece on Libya when he began speaking in gibberish. A spokesman for Global says the reporter was merely trying to establish his credentials for a new talk sport show.

The defense in Barry Bonds steroid trial says they were unaware of the drugs being injected into the former slugger and maintain the unusual growth of his body and most noticeably his noggin were due to him getting a fat head over his greatness.

Bonds says he will now enter politics and throw his hat into the ring causing other candidate to wonder if they might have to make the ring bigger.

Girl Power

2011-03-19T17:44:00.000-07:00

From Calgary Mount Royal University newspaper editor Zoey Duncan “Went to photograph a game between the Trojans and Cougars, some jokes write themselves.”

The Royal Astronomical Society of Canada has identified Jasper Alberta as the darkest place in Canada. The second darkest was found to be Northlands Coliseum in Edmonton at playoff time.

With $9 billion in revenues at stake the NFL Players Association has de-certified causing NFL fans to question if the owners and players should be certified.

NFL head Roger Goddell has reduced his salary to $1 in a show of support for the owners. He says he will resume his $10 million a year salary once his bonuses run out.

A German study says men who stare at women’s breasts on a continuous basis have less chance of heart attack or stroke. A spokesman for the Cleveland Cavaliers says this is another reason to go to games because if you watch these boobs you could live forever. My GF says if I keep staring it is guaranteed I will get a stroke, along with a cuff and a smack.

Some talking head in Toronto says men only watch women play sports if the women are attractive. Women point out Toronto sports talking heads have to be balding, dumpy and desperately trying to save their jobs. The talking head says he isn’t worried about competition as no one with ½ a brain is going to follow him down this road.

Why is it that only really ugly guys on sports radio talk about how much they ogle women in sports? Must be a combination of the baldness gene combining with the lumpy gene and creating a guy who thinks women love to have him leering at them. A spokesman for the Heart and Stroke Foundation says watching this guy on TV could prevent strokes. Mind you with his face and attitude I guess he isn’t worried about getting stroked.

Baltimore Orioles Luke Scott made controversial remarks saying he believes President Obama was not born in the United States. Scott also says Baltimore will challenge for a World Series title so his grasp on reality might not be tight. Scott is called “the mountain man” because he loves guns, calls himself a passionate Christian soldier and is dumb as dirt.

Top 5 signs their will not be an NFL season
# 5 NFL players have put half their entourages on the DL
# 4 Face paint manufacturers have sacked their staff
# 3 Groupies now turning their attention to Bob McGowan
# 2 Pigs seen taunting NFL officials
And the #1 sign their will not be an NFL season…
Tom Brady is wearing a pony tail

A Middle East magazine is out with tips for women on hygiene, skin care and marrying a suicide bomber. What is the #1 tip for women marrying a suicide bomber? Make sure he doesn’t have a short fuse.

Unrest in the Middle East, a Tsunami and nuclear meltdown in Japan and from -30 to +10 degree temperatures in a week, now I get why they call it March Madness.

A spineless dick

2011-03-10T11:05:00.000-08:00

A spokesman for the NFL players Association says the owners are not fully disclosing the amount of revenue the NFL receives. A spokesman for the owners disagreed saying they have declared everything except some Unobtanium they got during a pre-season game in Pandora.

The NFL says teams can’t provide the information the union wants as most of the owners have other jobs and they are busy foreclosing on widows and orphans.

Free agent defensive tackle Adriano Belli is deciding whether to play for Toronto or Hamilton. Belli says the teams have offered similar contracts although Toronto has tossed in a few more smackers.

Profanity laced comic Tom Green joined former NHL players on a trip to visit soldiers in Kandahar. The comic was asked to be sensitive to the NHL players as most of them haven’t let out a good string of expletives in years.

Monday was International Women’s Day and the NBA celebrated by having players hook up with women from all over the world. Reports from the communications department say most players were willing to sacrifice themselves for a worthy cause although a few of the players reported they celebrate women every day.

Reports out of the Miami Heat locker room say there were many players crying after the loss to Chicago. The team was brought back to reality when the Cheerleaders came into the room and told them to man up.

Top 5 reasons for NBA players to cry in the locker room
# 5 Not enough groupies for everyone
# 4 Hookers levying a surcharge for babysitters
# 3 Player was just traded to Toronto
# 2 Price of oil is way up and they sold their shares in Exxon
And the #1 reason for NBA players to cry in the locker room
Another baby mommy waiting outside the door

A Canadian Cabinet Minister is being trashed for providing an award certificate on party letterhead to a Chinese restaurant. This is like New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie getting a World’s Greatest Dad T-Shirt from Planned Parenthood.

The Phoenix Coyotes story keeps getting better with the Goldwater Institute threatening to sue if taxpayers’ money is used to help purchase the team. A spokesman for the NHL was upbeat saying the $100 million is not a problem it’s that the parties involved can’t seem to get their Blackberry calendars to synch so they can have a meeting.

Saskatchewan is having a problem with rats, beavers and gophers and has authorized a program to remove or eradicate the rodents. A spokesman for the Calgary Stampeders say they will try to help the next time the Riders come to town and with luck can trap a really big gopher.

A GTA company is one of three companies being sued by Louis Vuitton and Burberry — alleging they are making knock-offs of designer products. They are alleging people copied their hand bags, shopping bags and in the case of Brian Burke, French windbags.

Three-time Canadian pairs figure skating champions Jessica Dube and Bryce Davison are ending their partnership. A spokesman for the pair says they decided to give being single a spin.

Researchers say in a report that lost DNA led human males to have spineless penis and big brains. This is confirmed by most women involved with NBA players who say the men they see are spineless dicks who think they have big brains. Having a spineless penis is a characteristic of humans unlike apes who have a spikey spined penis that allows for more competition among males. This type of penis is used to remove other men’s sperm from females. This is known in the NBA as a rejected shot.

I be Leaf

2011-03-03T09:30:00.001-08:00

Glad I got up early to watch the wall to wall coverage of the NHL trade deadline. I haven’t seen that much suspense since Geraldo Rivera opened up the vault to Al Capone.
In an attempt to keep himself relevant former GM Mike Millbury traded himself to CBC and then CBC sent half his cap hit to TSN for a special to be named later. Like most of Mike’s NHL trades this has a lose/lose feel.
The Calgary Flames were quiet at the trade deadline. I guess when you have slain the Ogre everyone wants to stay and enjoy the spoils.

The NBA doesn’t so much have a trade deadline as a buyout line-up. If this was Wall Street the number of buyouts happening would be reason for a Congressional review.
A group in Texas is attempting to reinstate the use of spanking for severe schoolyard behavior thus legalizing the touchdown or homerun celebration at Little League games.

The PGA Match play event from Arizona was delayed when over an inch of snow covered the course the most snow seen in Arizona since that Freightliner tipped over on the intestate from a Mexican drug run. The toughest part of playing in the snow is keeping your balls warm.
State Farm Insurance is dropping its sponsorship of an LPG event. In a statement an actuary reported “like a good neighbor State Farm will neither a borrower nor a lender be”.

The RCMP is ordering data shredding equipment to destroy hard drives and storage devises. The RCMP feel they are better able to protect the identity of NHL players who are charged with offenses if they can immediately destroy the evidence.

Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi insisted to reporters that Libyans love him and would lay down their lives for him. He then went on to say his people love him like NHL fans adore Gary Bettman.

5 members of Cuba’s nation ballet company defected while in Montreal. The dancers say they say what could be when they went to a Montreal Canadians game and saw you don’t have to be big and strong to play in the NHL.

A Hospital in BC was forced to use a Tim Horton’s for patients when they ran out of room. Usually a place named after an NHL tough guy defenseman is more comfortable doubling as a dental office.

An autopsy study of Bob Proberts brain revealed he had degenerative brain injuries which may have been a contributing factor in his early death. A spokesman for the NHL say it is sad but with new rules they can’t see how the NHL can be blamed for incidents in the future. They are concerned about the number of coaches banging their heads on the wall trying to figure out the new rules but it’s a small price to pay.

It looks like the NFL owners and players are headed towards a shutdown of next year’s season. A spokesman for NFL fans was surprisingly calm saying once the 2 minute warning is sounded fans are sure Payton Manning will march down the labour field and get the win.

Top 5 signs the Maple Leafs are in the playoff hunt
# 5 Stanley cup t-shirts and hats being printed
# 4 Brian Burke now says making playoffs part of his grand plan
# 3 Boston upset their 1st round pick is getting later and later
# 2 Players were recently fitted for Stanley Cup rings
And the #1 sign the Maple Leafs are in the playoff hunt…
Don Cherry has been updated from annoying to insufferable

Swing Spit

2011-02-16T10:13:00.000-08:00

There is an IBM machine on Jeopardy vying for the title of most trivial thing ever with a couple of past champions from the show. The second most trivial thing happening this week? Toronto Maple Leaf trades.

A retiring College football coach has called for a return to past ethics in recruiting. A spokesperson for the NCAA says they would like to oblige and go back to when it was more ethical but people love the forward pass.

Tiger Woods is coming under fierce criticism for his golf etiquette. Tiger has decided to change spit coaches and is sorry for anyone affected by the spray of his ball or his fluids, which coincidentally, were in the documents of his divorce.

A spokesman to an image reclamation agency say Tiger is in jeopardy of losing the 100% support of people who spit.

Break the tape

2011-01-30T08:57:00.001-08:00

Privately the US treasury is happy the Chicago Bears lost as the security costs for President Obama going to the game would be difficult to explain to the Chinese. By losing Chicago may have saved taxpayers billions.

Not saying the Chicago offense was crappy but in a City known for organized crime they made the Green Bay defence an offal they couldn’t refuse.

It was exciting to have Green Bay win on an interception but it would have been magic if Brett Favre had thrown it.

There is a lot of frustration with the amount of sticks that break during key times in an NHL game. The issue is more complicated because of the US/Canada hard wood and no wood agreement, which allows Maple bats in MLB and combustible sticks in the NHL.

Ironic isn’t it? The controversies over a Canadian bat that is made from trees in Canada by a few woodworkers and the American designed Chinese produced European influenced sticks. The bats cost $50 to replace and break about every 10 uses and the sticks cost about $500 and 25% break during taping.

Jack Lalanne the 1st real weightlifting Guru has passed away at 96. In accordance his body will be cremated and his ashes kicked in the face of a 98 lb. weakling

The Indian Government has fired their Commonwealth Games chief citing corruption, kickbacks and graft or as it is know in India, Tuesday. The fired chief quickly landed on his feet as the coordinator for the new Stadium in Hamilton.

Peter Forsberg is practicing with the Colorado Avalanche in hopes he could resume his NHL career. Forsberg is the Brett Favre of the NHL except the only junk he texts pictures of is his foot.

Philadelphia Flyers defenseman Chris Pronger says he will sell the puck he took off the ice after last year’s Stanley Cup loss. Pronger says the puck is a symbol of rubber gone wrong and he wants it out of his house to which NY Jets Antonio Cromartie said “True dat”.

Hu's on First?

2011-01-20T12:26:00.000-08:00

There is a controversy brewing in tennis about what constitutes a Grand Slam. Former great Rod Laver says it is winning all 4 majors in one calendar year and Raphael Nadal says it is holding all 4 titles. To me it is just a great breakfast at Denny’s.

The Phoenix Coyotes came to the rescue of an Edmonton midget hockey team when their equipment was stolen. Fortunately the Coyotes had some extra equipment left over when the Montreal Canadians were in town so they didn’t have to cut the sticks off.

People in Haiti were shocked when former dictator and mass murderer Baby Doc Duvalier came back after being in exile for 20 years. This is like Bernard and Lonie Glieberman coming back to Ottawa to run the new franchise.

Chinese President Hu arrived in the US for a visit and is a big fan of exercising his dogs. So I guess we now know it was Hu who let the dogs out.

Hu and President Obama were in a bit of a diplomatic frenzy over the speaking order until finally it was decided that at the press conference Hu’s on first.

The Bank of Canada is keeping their bond market interest rate at 1%. The only market with less interest is in Phoenix for the Coyotes.

A report says people pick friends who have similar genes to them. The only group that was different were NBA players who picked the people in their lives based on how they filled out their jeans.

A report from the Canadian Police Association says hands free texting is still dangerous when driving. Asked to comment Brett Favre said his texts were always ½ a foot.

The new Guardian comic book characters for each NHL team have really captured the spirit of the teams and their history. Last week it was the Islander and his power to re-create the past against the Flame and his super longing for the future.

Research has shown a pair of jeans worn for 18 months without cleaning is as sanitary as a pair washed every week. The study was a part of a report entitled “Living on your CFL salary”.

The beer industry is upset over new labelling requirements that force them to list the ingredients to keep people with allergies safe. As a public service the industry says they are considering another warning for female drinkers warning them that too much beer causes NHL players to look “cute”.

The Government of Alberta is applying for more funds to increase the number of prisons in the Province. The report says new developments have made it more affordable and more important now that Daryl Sutter is available there is a possible warden.

Philadelphia Eagles QB Kevin Kolb says he wants to be traded if he is not the starting QB next year. Kolb says he thought he had the job but it appears Michael Vick has more lives than a cat.

It looks like David Beckham has had his attempts to play at Tottenham derailed by insurance issues. The biggest problem is the assurance Beckham would leave when asked.

Sarah Palin is denying her putting crosshairs over Democratic candidates has anything to do with the shooting of one of them saying she believes God gave the gunman his own instructions. This is being debated and a final decision will be made when she release her new book “Targeting anyone who thinks I’m a gun nut”.

Mike Commodore of the Columbus Blue Jackets is considering refusing to report to the American League and says he is not sure if the team can send him down because GM Scott Howson is not an American born citizen and thus he does not have the rights of a commander in chief.

A new report finds circumcision may prevent the spread of HPV. The report says it is not a recommendation, more of a tip.

Hockey broadcaster Howie Meeker was given the Order of Canada medal and afterwards used the Telestrator to show how the medal could have been placed on his neck more efficiently.

Kirstine Stewart has been named executive vice-president of the CBC's English services and in a nod to the CBC’s cash cow has asked Don Cherry to swear her in.

A survey by an online retailer says 40% of people received unwanted Xmas gifts, the balance say they were happy to get tickets to a Toronto Argonauts game.

Teats Up!

2011-01-10T13:45:00.000-08:00

Two massage therapists have sued Brett Favre claiming he texted him for a hook up after a rub down. The texts were said to be highly sexual and worst of all were done from a hands free devise. Favre says he was only kidding… kind of like a pump fake

A town in Arkansas is trying to figure out why thousands of birds fell from the sky on New Year’s Day. Scientists are baffled saying the only similar phenomenon they have seen is Canadian Leafs dropping like flies in January

One theory is the birds were hit by fireworks from the New Year’s celebration. Ornithologists say birds eventually discover a new flight pattern to avoid celebrations which is why they tend to fly over Toronto during any pro teams playoffs.

The Art Gallery of Alberta has removed its ban on breastfeeding saying it was following the lead of the Provinces NHL teams who have spent most of the year sucking the hind teat.

Roger Goodell the head of the NFL sent 5 million email messages to fans advising them of their position in the upcoming negotiations. Asked why he didn’t text them Goodell said they have a firm policy for texting

NY Jets coach Rex Ryan reacting to past defeats from Payton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts says the game is personal and he won’t pussy foot around with him. In addition he feels like a heel for letting him walk all over them and will do some sole searching to find a way to step it up on his arch rival.

EA Sports is updating the gaming platform for Tiger Woods 12 by inserting a hole from Augusta National and a Ho from Hooters International

A homeless recovering addict man has been offered a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers as an announcer. The job has opened up a bunch of other offers and there is unconfirmed reports he may look to ply his trade in Miami. He insists he loves Cleveland and will make up his mind on a radio show called The Destitution

Yes you're fired... did I Sutter?

2010-12-30T09:55:00.000-08:00

In what had to be the strangest firing in the history of pro sports the Calgary Flames relieved GM Daryl Sutter and replaced him with AGM Jay Feaster. Feaster was the GM of the Tampa Bay Lightening when they beat Sutters Flames in a highly disputed Stanley Cup Final. Brother Brent Sutter is the coach and was asked to report on rumours started 2 minutes after Daryl was let go, of a rift between the 2 brothers. Player development head Rich Sutter denied the allegations, special advisor Ron Sutter was unavailable for comment and scout Duane Sutter felt unprepared to discuss the move. It was up to President of the Flames Ken King, Daryl’s long-time friend and consigliore, to ask him to step down. If this was soccer it would be the most popular show in Brazil

King was obviously shaken up during the announcement and denied speculation there were harsh words spoken saying he talked with Daryl’s mom Grace Sutter before and she promised he had been told to play nice and put all his toys back in the box.

A spokesman for the Toronto Maple Leafs was not quoted saying they are reportedly interested in talking with Daryl’s mom to see if she can get Ron Wilson to quit.

If the Leafs could get Daryl to agree to a 3 year contract to coach the team, combined with current GM Brian Burke it could be the 1st time that management would be fined more for infractions than the players

Could you imagine Daryl, Brian and Don Cherry in the same city? A spokesperson for CBC sports went quiet, smiled brightly then wet his pants.

Top 5 New Year’s resolutions for Brett Favre
# 5 Return to rotary dial phone
# 4 Make decision regarding future
# 3 Figure out why pass to Jenn Sterger fell incomplete
# 2 Try out a new Beiber inspired hairdo
# 1 Star in movie based on his dreams called “Interception”

Hey it is called Foot Ball...

2010-12-23T08:09:00.000-08:00

The US Government has repealed the “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” policy for gays and lesbians serving in the military. Don’t ask, Don’t tell is also a policy of Calgary Flames GM Daryl Sutter only he calls it Tuesday.

Craigslist has stopped listing erotic ads in Canada. Now if you want to hook up with a woman you have to do what every Canadian male had to do in the past, play in the NHL.

A Saskatoon disc jockey has come under fire for getting high on the air with a hallucinogenic herb causing him to double over with laughter. Officials warn of the dangers and say if Canadians wish to have a hearty laugh they should stick to watching the Toronto Maple Leafs kill a penalty.

Didn’t know Sarah Palin was such a big football fan until I saw her Xmas card where she was lined up in the shotgun formation

A new version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas is currently holding casting calls with the inside track being given to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and Union executive DeMaurice Smith.

In what had to be an unfortunate spell check error the Xmas card from Brett Favre ExtenZe his best for the upcoming year.

Top 5 signs you’re at an NBA Xmas party

# 5 Elves are all over 6’
# 4 Packages are being unwrapped with no gifts exchanged
# 3 The rounds are live and the punch mostly sucker
# 2 The Holly Wreath got packed in a bong
# 1 Guest list is pretty well all Ho, Ho, Ho’s

Actor Marilu Henner has a condition called autobiographical superior memory which allows her to remember every day of her life. The condition is also known to Toronto sports fans a hell.

Social media King Mark Zukerberg is in China and sources say he is considering starting a joint venture. The new website will become a place to post embarrassing pictures and gossip about your Friends and will be called Losing Facebook.

Rex Ryan says he will not talk about the foot fetish video saying he doesn't concentrate on the pleasures but rather his focus is on the agony of defeat...

I always wondered how a 350 lb. guy got the nickname twinkle toes...

I can't help but feel the video leak is a way to take the pressure of his team... it must be a part of an over arching plan...

He says mostly he is sorry for his wife and the person who posted the video should feel like a heel...

The news hit his players hard but they all promised to be more understanding of Rex and would toe the line in the future...

Blow them Boys

2010-12-16T22:40:00.000-08:00

Really Calgary sports media?

Is every answer to the question...

“What wrong with the Flames?”

...the Sutters?

That’s it?

That is all you have?

Statistically the last 5 years have been some of the most successful

Really enjoyable from the point of view of us...

Flames Fans...

We made it to the Stanley Cup final and we all know that if there wasn’t a lockout it would have been a spectacular year...

we really coulda been a contenders...

The Flames have lost recent 1st round picks to addictions, injury and tragic death

Yet every year we were competitive...

every year we coulda won it all (OK cap space issues, crippling injuries and horrific slumps aside)

Why must the Sutters go Calgary sports media?

What? Won’t they drink with you?

Is it easier or more profitable to write negative articles and fluff analysis?

The Flames Fans hope the Sutters are not going anywhere...

They are winners and sometimes winners lose... but most Flames Fans know... they will win again... because they are winners.

We Flames Fans hope they are given every opportunity to create a powerhouse

Most Flames Fans biggest nightmare is not the Sutters...

It is the Sutters ... leaving

I haven’t read the current Global warming statistics to confirm but I have a hunch they may be moving the herd up a little north... the grass is greener and the droughts are not as prolonged. To a rancher a well fed herd is a happy herd.

That should sober up anyone who thinks calling for the head of a Sutter is smart...

Could you imagine... as a Flames Fan... the Oiler rookies up in Edmonton... coached by Daryl... managed by Brent... scouted by pretty well every relative from Red Deer... and then there is the cousins...

Now let’s pretend the Sutters entice either Jay Bowmeister or Mark Giradino in a couple of years... if you want a real chill think of them being free agents or “traded” by Daryl to Brent...

Mikka might be willing to stop nearly everything humanly possible... for a couple years... for a lot of money...

and Ignila might want to to win one for him and his wives hometown in 2 years...

This is like the Miami Heat only it would be really cold for Flames Fans...

So here is a recap...

Short of oral sex... the sports writing community should strive to represent a more accurate reflection of the views of Flames Fans... perform the service of documenting the victories and defeats or the Flames will be playing the future Sutters and their Oilers... and they still have draft choices...

The reason we are Flames Fans goes beyond hockey.

Calgary is a very educated (whatever that means) City...

Statistics Canada will back it up...

We are technologically savvy...

We understand business...

All Flames Fans have a life... but we are connected virtually to their success

Flames Fans are really OK with the Sutters building a dynasty...

Flames Fans don’t see the logic or fun in blowing it up...

When your fantasy team is wearing Victoria Secret...

Why put a burlap sack over it?

Brett before King

2010-12-16T12:07:00.000-08:00

See that our friend Cam Hutchinson went to an NHL game in Detroit and was surprised hot dogs were only 4 for a dollar. If he had gone to an NBA game he would have seen hot dogs are a dime a dozen.

The CBC broadcast Hockey Night in Canada in 3D but Coaches Corner was unaffected as Don Cherry was still 1 dimensional. It’s fortunate CC wasn’t in 3D or Cherry’s jacket would have set off epileptic convulsions across the land.

For the 3rd time in a week an NFL receiver has dropped a pass in the end zone while wide open. Asked if they had taken their eye off the prize the receivers all disagreed saying they had contact with the cheerleaders the whole time

Tough to say what collapse due to snow on the roof is bigger the Metrodome or Brett Favre’s.

A report in a science journal says sponges may have animal like characteristics. The report says they looked at sponges off the Pacific Coast, Atlantic Coast and from NBA entourages in the West Coast.

To put how long it has been since Brett Favre did not start in a football game in perspective the last time he didn’t start he had to draw a picture of his junk and mail it to a cheerleader.

Toronto Maple Leafs coach Ron Wilson was booing Dion Phaneuf in practice in order to prepare him for the upcoming road trip to Calgary. The team returned the favour to Wilson booing him to prepare him for when he goes home for supper.

Top 5 reasons to have Cheerleaders at Canadian NHL hockey games
# 5 Chance for the players to realistically hoist a championship cup
# 4 A bust bigger than most of their trades and free agent signings
# 3 Gives Don Cherry a chance to talk about the 1st time he saw the Sears catalogue underwear section
# 4 A reason to buy a 3 double D TV
# 5 The Xmas gift for those both naughty and nice

Sepp Blatter president of world football's governing body, said Monday that gay fans "should refrain from any sexual activities" during the tournament in Qatar, where homosexual behaviour is illegal. This means gay fans of European football should try to score as often as the teams they are going to see.

After another loss to Miami NY Jets coach Rex Ryan took the team out to their practice field and buried their offensive playbook.

Don’t know what all the fuss is over Dallas Cowboys Tashard Choice getting an autograph on his glove from Philadelphia Eagles Michael Vick. It would have been something if he had asked him to autograph his dog tags.

McDonalds is being sued because their Happy Meals induce children to prefer nutritionally inferior foods. The problem became apparent when the inexpensive meals were linked to problems later in life specifically those on fixed incomes, minimum wage jobs or CFL players.

The CFL may be the only league where the signing of a free agent is literally free

Science's ubiquitous periodic table of the elements is getting a fresh face courtesy of a team led by an Alberta researcher. As part of the revamp, the atomic weights of elements will be revised and a new lightweight element will be added CH, in recognition of the Montreal Canadians Smurf line-up.

After the way NY fans treated the wife of Cliff Lee it wasn’t surprising he went to another team although Yankees GM Brian Cashman thought they were within spitting distance of signing him.

Sidney Crosby and Alex Ovechkin will be on the Price is Right later this month. Contestants will be able to guess the price of hockey memorabilia, season tickets to an NHL game and the total losses of the Phoenix Coyotes.

With the number of housewives who religiously watch The Price is Right the catch phrase is being altered from “Come on Down” to “Got MILF?”

After watching the Phoenix City Council give $197 million to a group that is purchasing the Coyotes for $170 million it occurred to me the howl that goes off at Jobbing.com arena when the team scores is not a coyote but taxpayers when being shown the bill.

City Councillors in a Florida Town are crediting God for saving them when a gunman fired 4 shots at close range and never hit his target. I guess God must have a hand in the Edmonton Oilers goal scoring drought as well as they can’t hit anything from pint blank range.

Larry King is stepping down after nearly 50 years of doing interviews and talk shows. Asked about his fondest memories he said he was always a fan of radio and loved to curl up on Monday nights as a young boy and listen to NFL games when Brett Favre was in his prime.

FIFA for fun

2010-12-09T14:19:00.001-08:00

Glad to see Tiger Woods doing well again despite mental health experts who think Tiger may suffer from a rare form of sex addiction that causes men who are rich and powerful to act out. Most women say it’s just par for the course.

I asked my GF if I had the symptoms of this rare sex addict disease and she said I had too much dough and not enough money

The prevailing slogan of the day is “Man Up” and it’s hard because the only man doing it is Tiger and no one wants to admit it

Announcer in the NHL are using “Man Up” to describe hits from behind, a refusal to fight after delivering a foul or when TSN’s Jennifer Hedges comes into the press box

Now that Sidney Crosby has moved out of owner and hall of famer Mario Lemieux’s basement it’s no wonder it is having a positive effect on his scoring

I wonder if Super Mario mentored Crosby in scoring on the days off... I mean a guy doesn’t get the nickname Super Mario for nothing

Crosby says he won’t shave off the moustache he grew for Movember in support of prostate cancer as he is on a tear. Being a man from the ‘70’s I can relate to how a guy with a porn star ‘stach can really scare.

With all the fuss over concussions in sports you would think more players would be interested in hard caps.

Jenn Sterger the woman who was texted images of Brett Favres junk says she won’t ask for money if Favre is punished by the NFL. Asked to comment Favre says he should be punished by Sterger herself because he has been a very bad man.

Worms that were genetically modified by McGill University researchers not only survived exposure to a banned poison, they lived even longer than normal worms causing speculation Favre may return for yet one more season.

Prince Charles and his wife, Camilla, were attacked during student riots. Charles says he is sympathetic to the cause and if they want to talk he is all ears.

NY Jets coach Rex Ryan buried a football during practice at their field as a way of putting the humiliating loss to the NE Patriots behind him. In a surprise twist after a couple of feet he uncovered the body of Jimmy Hoffa

An ongoing effort to track down cheese contaminated with listeria has resulted in food products being pulled from shelves, a warning to cheese lovers and most important a recall of Green Bay Packer Cheese Head hats

This week marks the 30th anniversary of the death of John Lennon and the news that was delivered during a Monday Night Football game. This has resulted in the tradition of MNF reading the obituary of coaches hired by Cleveland, Washington and Denver.

Saskatchewan Premier Brad Wall says that in the aftermath of a controversial takeover bid for PotashCorp the province wants to clarify what it considers to be a strategic resource. At the top of the list is oil followed by wheat and watermelons.

Former NBA star Allen Iverson says he's happy with his new career in Turkey. In particular he is thrilled the team doesn’t put too much emphasis on practice.

Top 5 signs FIFA World Cup win by Qatar was perfectly organized, perfectly transparent and perfectly under control
# 5 Negotiating hookers wore transparent lingerie
# 4 Luxury cars given as presents had perfect control
# 3 The schedule of hookers to FIFA officials was really well organized
# 2 All bribes and coercive payments were made in daylight
# 1 Female spectators and the wives of players will be allowed to wear transparent veils during games

Working out the bugs

2010-11-25T11:52:00.000-08:00

TSN spent a lot of the West final discussing Roughrider QB Darian Durant talking to his father at half time during the Riders last game with BC. Calgary Stampeders DB Brendan Browner tried the same thing but he must have been put on hold.

Ajax Amsterdam suspended striker Luis Suarez for two matches for biting an opponent. With the way soccer players like to embellish he was probably just pretending to take a bite.

Oprah gave everyone in her audience a Volkswagen Beetle which is the most free bugs given to an audience since the last NBA All star game

The union head for the NBA says he is 99% certain the league will lock out the players for next year and is advising his clients to save their money. So it looks like LeBron James will just have to settle for taking his towel to South Beach.

The Pope has changed years of Catholic doctrine by saying there is some groups that should be allowed to use condoms. The Pope says condoms should be available for prostitutes, sex trade workers and NFL players.

The Alberta Government is using some athletes in their campaign to try and reduce bullying among school children. The ads focus on kids being told that just because someone says or does something they don’t agree with does not give them the right to bully or exclude them from groups. The ads will be given air time on TV once the government has finished ejecting members from cabinet who complain about the health care system.

A report to the Federal Government shows 82 first nation’s leaders make more money than the PM. In exceptional cases some native leaders make almost as much as a 4th line centre for the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Ontario is on edge as a judge is set to rule on a prostitution law that could make the sale of sex legal and uncontrolled in the Province. Finally some good news for the Toronto Raptors as this could help in the signing of big name free agents.

The new book by Sarah Palin in which she promotes good old fashioned US values has her wearing a US flag bracelet that looks suspiciously like one made in China.

Edmonton Eskimos DE Adam Braidwood was charged with unlawful confinement after it was alleged he kept a man in the trunk of his car. The incident is unusual as it is one of the rare times a defensive lineman gets charged with holding.

Tennessee Titans QB Vince Young has apologized to his coach after having a meltdown by sending him a text. Asked what he thought Brett Favre said he thought the method was revealing.

Canada will apply to host the 2015 FIFA World Cup of soccer or as the MLS call it a smorgasbroad.

What is with the Toronto Raptors? They are winning, playing entertaining basketball and all without Chris Bosh videos showing fans how to vote for in for the All Star team.

A new survey shows Canadians are in favour of healthier options in fast food restaurants. The survey says it will improve health for those that mostly eat the food including the poor, people on fixed incomes and CFL teams on road trips trying to stretch their per diems.

Wally Ball

2010-11-18T12:23:00.000-08:00

I wasn’t until the Edmonton Eskimo punter Derek Schieveone hit an 18 yarder in the last minute of a half I got the shrives at least one word play. It’s like being a golfer named Whiff, a tennis player named Fault or a Leaf labelled can’t miss.

It seems like everyone is afraid of having the BC Lions into the playoffs and with a questionable QB, suspect defence and a rash of injuries I think the other teams are worried Wally Buono is going to suit up for the game

Top 5 signs it’s CFL playoff time
# 5 The Leafs and Oilers are almost mathematically eliminated from their playoff run
# 4 Baseball has been over for an hour
# 3 After passing for 70% of the year offenses now stress running
# 2 Per diems for players is increased by $2.25
# 1 Canadians are always reminding NFL fans our balls are bigger and because it’s cold they are...

The NHL has decided to let the captains pick their all star teams and have formally agreed eeny meeny miny moe will be used for tough roster decisions.

The Dallas Cowboys lost their domain name dallas-cowboys.com when they forgot to renew their registration so somewhere in Russia a 14 year old computer geek has Jerry Jones over the barrel.

Shawne Merriman injured himself during his 1st practice with the Buffalo Bills thus forcing him to leave early. The injury was blamed on Merriman gaining 10 lbs and his body not being used to it. Merriman says if he gains enough he may never have to play for the Bills this year.

For those wondering Saskatchewan and Hamilton will be victorious in the CFL and the Titans and Eagles in the NFL. You’re welcome.

Howling Good Hockey

2010-11-18T12:20:00.000-08:00

I feel for Brett Sutter he has it tough. Your Dad is the GM, your uncle is the coach, another uncle is the player development rep, you are being spotted in games at best and your cousin is lighting it up with another team. I think he deserves a trophy every day he doesn’t get into a fight. It’s like being the Principles kid, the daughter of an actress or Gary Bettmans body double. One hint I will give Brett don’t mention your disabled brother when you are being charged with punching out a taxi driver. If you are giving a shout out do it to Patrick Kane of the Chicago Blackhawks.

I love the howl that goes off when the Phoenix Coyotes score a goal at Jobbing.com stadium, especially on a Wednesday when they are playing Columbus. The echo from the howl reminds me of a dog running away in Saskatchewan... it goes on for ever...

In honour of the rehabilitation of Michael Vick a new reality show is coming called Conviction Gridiron. Each week a new NFL player will be released from prison and try to catch on with a team. According to the producers of the show it will be a show of hope and best of all there is an unending supply. Plaxico Burris... come on down!

The Lance Armstrong drug scandal is widening to include France and European countries and soon will rival the Nuremberg Trials for testimony and scope. At some point prosecutors hope to issue a scathing report but not until they check out training facilities in Hawaii, Fiji and Bali during the winter.

George W Bush is reflective of the damage he has caused during his term as President but his biggest regret is turning up for almost all of the Texas Rangers home losses during the playoffs. Collateral damage, worldwide financial chaos and national disgrace are one thing but a World Series title is forever.

It looks like the Washington Redskins need help with their ownership during the final 2 minutes before signing a contract. I think Donovan is worth $78 million but only if he can mentor another ex-con like Vick.

Montreal Canadian goaltender Carey Price was named the 1st star of the week by the NHL. In celebration Canadians fans looted a Gap and later blew out the traditional burning Police car.

Brett Favre says he won’t have an MRI to examine his sore shoulder saying he has looked at it with his X-ray vision and confirmed a mere mortal would never play again but he’s OK.

One of the great horses of all time Zenyatta has been retired to pasture where she will be expected not to pass the boys.

Tiger Woods says he got away from his core values and now likes nothing more than to give his child a bath. This surprised 12 of his 19 former flings who reported he wasn’t that fond of playing rub a dub dub in the tub.

The Canadian armed forces have purchased 500 video games for use by soldiers with titles like "Gears of War", "Call of Duty", "Mortal Kombat" and "Assassins Creed." The only non shooter game is Tiger Woods 2011 which teaches the soldiers how to grip a club and conduct a secret rendezvous while under curfew.

Bend it like Curler

2010-10-28T10:48:00.000-07:00

David Beckham says he will play out his contract with the LA Galaxy and hopes his stay with the team didn’t totally upset what was important, him getting a chance to play for England in 2019.

It’s a telling sign that the only highlights we remember from the David Beckham stay in LA were hair related

Mark McGuire says he will return to the St. Louis Cardinals despite an unproductive 1st year being a hitting coach. McGuire says he will try giving it a bigger shot next time.

Jim Armstrong of Richmond, B.C. Canada’s representative the Paralympics curling pleaded guilty to selling and dispensing counterfeit Viagra drugs with intent to mislead or defraud. Armstrong says he felt pressured into pleading guilty and when the judge asked what his plea was he had to hurry... hurry... hard!

There is a possibility the rest of his team may have to forfeit the medals they won during the games. Asked for comment the team says they felt stiffed.

Toronto has elected a drunken overweight red necked far right conservative for Mayor while Calgary has elected a Muslim, Harvard educated, gay, person of colour to represent their city. Next thing you know the Leafs will be ahead of the Flames in the standings.

It now makes sense when Leafs GM Brian Burke says his team needs a gut check.

After being sent down by the Edmonton Oilers defenseman Sheldon Souray suffered a hand injury in a fight but being the team player he is Sheldon was quick to show Oilers management what finger was broken

A new book called Discrimination in the NHL says French Canadian players are overlooked for English speaking players. Asked to comment Don Cherry said “Non”.

I agree completely with the premise and would suggest the bias goes further as French Canadian rioters never get the publicity or rewards they deserve.

The Alberta Government is coming under fire for the increased wait times in hospital emergency rooms. A spokesman agrees the times have gone up but say they expect them to decrease once teams visiting the Edmonton Oilers stop picking fights with Steve MacIntyre

A wind warning was issued for Toronto which came the same week Leafs GM Brian Burke says he is exploring trade possibilities... coincidence?

France is rioting over an increase in the retirement age which has confused Quebecers as they didn’t know the retirement age had a hockey team

Canada is lobbying the makers of the new Lord of the Rings prequel saying they could use members of the Montreal Canadians as extra Hobbits

Retire or fire

2010-10-21T10:22:00.000-07:00

Man U striker Wayne Rooney says he wants out of his lifelong relationship and is looking to play the field, he also wants to play soccer somewhere else.

After getting into a fight with his girlfriends father NY Mets pitcher K-Rod has forfeited $3 million in salary for his discretion. Asked why he hit him K-Rod said he was only trying to brush him off his home plate.

The Tour De France route was unveiled for next year and in a surprising turn will no longer schedule pit stops at Lourdes but will still test for holy water.

France is reeling with riots protesting an increase in the retirement age. In a show of support Montreal Canadians fans agreed to join the protest by throwing bricks at store fronts and setting fire to police cars during non game nights.

The French are rioting over proposed legislation calling for an increase in the retirement age. Protesters are furious with the NFL as well saying they should set an example and force Brett Favre to retire.

Google is being chastised by the Canadian Government for the way its search engine violates privacy. In particular they have found that despite repeated requests when searching for great hockey in the search engine it still list the Maple Leafs, Oilers and Flames.

A prisoner in Canada has won the right to get more meat in his sandwiches. After reviewing the policy the CFL players association says they will challenge the per diem amount given to their players calling it cruel and unusual.

The Canadian Transportation Agency has ruled Air Canada must provide nut free flights thus disrupting the travel plans of Calgary Stampeders Nik Lewis

President Obama will appear on the TV show Mythbusters in an attempt to explain the correlation with hitting a 3 point shot to winning the Presidency

Good to see Barry Bonds at the San Francisco Giants game and even more impressive he is able to take off his hat. It is nice to see someone with his accomplishments retire and not get a big head over them.

The Canadian comedy awards are being questioned when not a single Toronto sports team won for funniest performance by a cast or ensemble. At the very least the Leafs should have been nominated for a lifetime achievement award.

The Mayo Clinic in Boston is hosting a conference on concussions with input from hockey and football teams. Baseball will be represented by former President and Texas Rangers owner George Bush as they feel a head injury would explain a lot.
The United Kingdom is reeling after severe cuts were implemented to try and get their deficit under control. The cuts affect everyone and even Prince Charles will have to let go some of his groomsmen forcing him to walk Camilla by himself.

California held its annual earthquake prevention day which was oddly timed to coincide with the SF Giants shaking the baseball world with their performance.

Infectous fun

2010-10-14T22:50:00.000-07:00

I think Marvel comics were a bit late to create a comic based on NHL teams I mean Super Mario writes itself...

Top 5 Marvel super powers for NHL players
# 5 Able to say sorry at super speed
# 4 Turn team owners into paupers in a single court battle
# 3 Fly under American sports fan radar
# 2 Change Union heads at the speed of sound
# 1 OMG… his mullet… it’s alive!

The NFL is abuzz with speculation Minnesota QB Brett Favre sent pictures of his privates to a former NY Jets staffer. Officials are not sure what to call the incident... a quick snap, the offside pass or another day in the NFL. Brett’s wife has become a real stats fan as she awaits word whether the pass will be ruled complete or incomplete

Age is a real difference between Favre and younger QB's while the younger ones use a wristband to call plays all he has on his wrist is a Medic Alert bracelet.

Don Cherry spent most of Coaches Corner getting an award from the Canadian military. Cherry was honoured for his support, promotion and ability to shoot down all his detractors

The Dallas Stars are refusing to comment on the public intoxication charges against Mike Riberio saying it’s private

A Nigerian sprinter has tested positive at the Commonwealth Games the 1st athlete to test positive for something other than dengue fever

Not a good sign when your event is plagued with problems and it’s the real plague

After seeing his party get wiped off the electoral map, a worldwide recession linked to his policies and his team losing 2 games with him in the stands... we can now assume George Bush was not nicknamed W for winning.

Roy Hailiday must think a perfect game is one where he doesn’t wear a Toronto Blue Jays uniform,

Watching the film of San Francisco pitcher Tim Lincecomb leaping up after his team beat the Atlanta Braves was fun. Asked how he felt Tim said he hasn’t been as high since he went to the Black Eyed Peas concert

Not sure what was more embarrassing Henry Burris in a bra or the Stampeders defense caught with their pants down

In the hole!

2010-10-07T19:25:00.001-07:00

A hook-up of Tiger Woods plans to release an hour long videotape of her and Tiger with about 35 minutes of sex. This confirms what a lot of people have seen... Tiger spends a lot of time lining up the hole...

The NFL supported women’s cancer with pink gloves, chinstraps and personal breast exams by players after the games

Despite signing a 5 year agreement with Rona Calgary Flames officials are adamant the team is not re-building

A Montreal man was ordered to pay $1 billion after sending out spam on Facebook and worse was unfriended by Chad Ochocinco.

The CFL is asking for $12 million from the Federal Government to host the 100th Grey Cup. The money will be used to promote the event in Toronto. A few million will be also given for Quebec to hold a French language tribute in song, dance and mime.

You would think from the way the Buffalo Bills are playing the CFL would offer to pay to have them play a few more games in Toronto.

Steve Tambalini the GM of the Edmonton Oilers was asked why he sent Sheldon Souray to Rochester in the AHL . He said it was the best fit for the team after SKA Siberia declined their offer.

Sesame Street is tackling issues such as HIV and drug abuse in their new shows for Nigeria. Next up they plan to introduce a new character Mr. Zero who will explain soccer scoring.

A cargo ship in Montreal was found to have a container filled with illegal immigrants. The low wage workers were thought to be in Canada to compete with Canadians for low paying jobs but none of them were able to throw a football.

Don't go Heidi!

2010-10-01T11:42:00.000-07:00

The difference between NFL and CFL off site games? CFL teams come back loaded up on lobster... NFL teams catch their fill of crabs...

I know the nickname has been taken but I vote the Big M for Matt Dunigan... m for mute... do we really need to know coach Marcel Belfray of the Tiger Cats has piercing bedroom blue eyes?

It would have been nice if TSN could had given us an Atlantic perspective on the Atlantic Game... but CBC wouldn’t release Rex Murphy

The CFL players are coming down hard on the repeat vicious chop blocks from the Hamilton Tiger Cats Jason Jimenez who has already ended one career. The cry is being taken up by any employee who has to work with a lunatic especially Canada Post. The employees of Canada Post are in a bind... do they agree with the CFL players or honour Jimenez with a going postal stamp?

Canada is sending its national curling teams to the Summer Commonwealth Games in New Delhi not to complete just to sweep up some of the mouse droppings. In order to get the athletes used to the unsanitary conditions Team Canada is training and eating on Yonge Street in Toronto.

I guess the Stampeders Henry Burris has a home jersey an away jersey and an away from home jersey. Let’s see... double barrelled offense, playing for the cup... front loaded contract... bunch of boobs and Henry...yup got’em all...

The Montreal Canadians have chosen a unilingual English American captain causing riots, looting , a challenge from the Quebec language Police, an angry Bloc is considering staying home from Parliament, the Quebec Liberals say more judges will be appointed to spearhead an inquiry and the mascot for the Quebec Winter Carnival was seen lining his pockets with Kleenex instead of money. Or as it is known in Quebec... Tuesday.

A rejected MacLean’s cover had the Quebec Winter Carnival mascot stuffing his pocket with NHL tickets...

It has a nice ring to it when LaPolice can be fined. Ist time this week for a Quebec authority figure.

Not to say golf is desperate to create a controversy but Rory McIlroy says he was misquoted in reports he wants to play Tiger Woods and set the record straight saying he told the reporter “nice day”.

The Alberta Government set up a workplace safety website and the #1 complaint was for the bone restructuring company owned by BC Lions lineman Jason Jiminez
NFL fans are upset Brett Favre won’t retire and devastated Heidi Klum did.

Chill Montreal

2010-09-25T22:39:00.001-07:00

Not sure who has the hardest record to justify... Alberta Premier Ed Stelmach defending the Oil Sands... Edmonton GM Kevin Lowe defending the Oilers or Calgary GM Darryl Sutter defending his personality...

A surprise in the poll to determine who is the most popular candidate for mayor of Calgary when Darien Durant placed in the top 5

Jesse Lumsden signed with the Calgary Stampeders but only after he was given assurance they don’t still shoot workhorses that go lame...

Former Arizona Cardinals QB and devout Christian Kurt Warner was surprised when he heard so many people were praying for him. It turns out fans were asking for divine intervention so he would be kicked off Dancing with the Stars so he could go back to the team

After sitting out the pre season and then signing a huge contract NY Jets CB Darrelle Revis is on the shelf with a strained hamstring. Asked how he will pass the time away from football Revis replied... comfortably...

For a person addicted to morphine working for the Edmonton Eskimos is going to be a pain

Top 5 NFL/ Michael Vic/dog fighting puns/double entrants’/satire/ridicule/rhyme type jokes
#5 He’s been let off the leash... kept on a short one or reignited the debate over chemical castration...
#4 Vic may play in the shotgun but can’t pull the trigger...
#3 Vic wants to play defence but NFL will not allow him to be a Rover
#2 In the CFL a career ending tackle is called horse collaring in the NFL it’s fatal and called dog collaring
#1 Bite me

According to experts the American recession ended in July of 2009. Toronto Maple Leafs could relate as their team turned the corner in February of 2006

Carey Price has asked Canadians fans to “chill” after they booed him during a pre season loss. Asked to comment Montreal Canadians fans took exception to the hothead and excitable label and then resumed burning his effigy, looting the Gap and filming their angst for a Radio Canada live performance special...

A Dutchy subject...

2010-09-16T17:38:00.000-07:00

The signing of Jesse Lumsden to a CFL contract is day to day when the running back tweaked his wrist while practicing putting his name to a contract...

A TV company is promoting their new 3D sets using a cardboard cut out of NFL stars falling down. In order for the cardboard cut outs to have a more realistic feel... the NFL stars were coached by 2D TV Sports talking heads... if I’m not mistaken Peyton Manning is channelling his inner Dutchy...

The homeless World Cup of soccer starts next week to which the CFLPA has objected saying they could at least have considered offering football...

The NY Jets are being investigated by the NFL after reports they harassed a Mexican female reporter at a recent practice. The Jets have apologized saying they thought she was a woman applying to be baby momma # 9 for cornerback Antonio Cromartie

NY Jets corner back Antonio Cromartie was asked about NE Patriots wide receiver Randy Moss asking for more money to take care of his family. Cromartie asked for a moment to take off his shoes to determine how much child support he has to pay...

During the Chicago Blackhawks playoff run each time they scored a goal a song by the band The Fratellis was played. The band has since split up citing the usual... salary cap restrictions.

Discussions are underway to set up an expansion draft for an Ottawa football franchise that is scheduled to return to the CFL for the 2013 season. Each team is expected to place 4 players in the pool but the CFL rejected Edmonton’s request to place 44.

A vacant field...

2010-09-09T13:23:00.001-07:00

I know the Saskatchewan Roughriders have fanatical followers but there was 6000 out for a practice in Calgary and they were playing Winnipeg... at home in Regina...

Gary Bettman approved the contract of Ilya Kolvachuck and in addition retroactively blessed the deal given by the Ottawa Senators to Alexandre Daigle

Ben Roethisberger had his suspension from the NFL reduced from 6 games to 4 when Commissioner Roger Goodell determined he had not molested anyone in public for over 3 months... a personal record

The 1st athlete to test positive for human growth hormone in North America was a Canadian University athlete who was suspended from football but received a scholarship in science.

The Minnesota Vikings are still upset that the New Orleans Saints took what they called cheap shots at QB Brett Favre in last year’s playoff game. In an effort to drive the narrative the Vikings are teaming up with the American Association for Retired People to promote a campaign against elder abuse.

Bill “Spaceman” Lee became the oldest player to pitch a professional baseball game last week at 62. Bill was tickled when he received congratulations from kids like Chris Chelios, Jamie Moyer and Brett Favre.

The Houston Texans have signed former Arizona Cardinals QB Matt Leinhart to be their 3rd string QB in what had to be a left-handed compliment on his ability

Leaving Tiger Woods off a Ryder Cup team would be like not using members of the Cincinnati Bengals in an episode of Arrested Development...

The Saskatchewan Roughriders have reached a decision as to where a new stadium will be built. The choice was between vacant land south of Regina to Montana, vacant land east to Alberta, vacant land west to Manitoba or vacant land north to Alaska...

The Quebec Provincial Government say they will pay 45% of the cost for a new arena in Quebec City and expect the balance of the funds will come from a traditional Quebec revenue source... taxpayers of Alberta...

Winnipeg Blue Bombers QB Buck Pierce will be out indefinitely after suffering an elbow injury during the Labour Day game with Saskatchewan. Pierce was originally scheduled to be out 2 weeks but he aggravated the injury while attempting to button up his shirt...

A report from the 2010 Winter Olympic organizers found snowboarders had the most injuries which came as no surprise to any football player who will tell you there are always more injuries when you play on grass...

France has been hit by a series of strikes from their transit workers and it is bringing back memories of the World Cup for the nation.... because after the team went on strike the county didn’t go anywhere in the tournament either...

A preacher in the US is threatening to hold a Koran burning to protest the 10th anniversary of 911. To put this in perspective for Canadians it would be like burning one of our holy relics... Toronto Maple Leaf season tickets... to complain about getting beat by the Detroit Red Wings

Reggie Bush might have to give back the bronze bust he won in College but I thought he had already broken up with Kim Kardashian...

A report from Canadian Border Services Agency revealed there was an increased amount of testing for radioactive devices during the Vancouver Olympics. In the end the only nuclear meltdown was when Russian President Vladimir Putin blasted his countries Olympic effort...

US researchers trying to answer the question “Does money buy happiness?” say they have found evidence happiness starts with an income of $75,000. When asked to comment a spokesman for the CFL Players Association says he found the results depressing...

Bombs Away!

2010-09-03T08:00:00.001-07:00

After the Saskatchewan Roughriders lost to the Edmonton Eskimos in front of a packed house at Commonwealth Stadium Coach Ken Miller was philosophical saying it’s hard to keep focused when you are in front of so many supporters

Japan used the long bomb to cripple Hawaii in the Little League World Series... what too soon?

Brett Favre threw 2 interceptions, had a fumble and was sacked twice in the 1st half of a pre-season game so... he’s already in playoff form

Fox News shill Glen Beck held a rally in Washington called restoring hope attended by thousands of supporter. This was second only to the Washington Redskins pre season game nicknamed... Scoring... I hope

Edmonton Oilers goaltender Nikolai Khabibulin has been found guilty of speeding and driving under the influence of alcohol. Khabibulin will be sentenced later and will be subject to immigration laws that will require him to leave Arizona and move to Edmonton. A spokesman for his wife was quoted as saying... AAAAAAUGHH!!!!

Khabibulin received 30 days in jail and they can be served around his work schedule. He chose to be in jail days when the Oilers would be playing the Penguins, Capitals and Red Wings

Roger Clemens pleaded not guilty in a Washington court to lying to Congress then flew to a charity golf tournament later. A controversy erupted in the tournament when Clemens was accused of using a mulligan by tournament officials... later confirmed by his caddy... but he vehemently denies the allegations

It was surprising to hear the Feds were considering subpoenaing his hairstylist to testify but after seeing his new frosted locks maybe only his hairdresser knows for sure

David Asper has made an offer to purchase the Winnipeg Blue Bombers saying he will pay $75 million towards the new stadium. Fans say they would be more impressed if Mr. Asper bought them something useful... like a QB

And from Hartley Miller... love this one...

33 miners trapped in a collapsed mine for nearly a month in Chile has been sent soccer videos. Haven't the miners suffered enough? Officials were happy with the choice saying At least they weren't sent Maple Leafs videos

Ancient Championship History

2010-08-27T17:55:00.000-07:00

American born NBA player Matt Bonner in an attempt to play for Canada at the World Basketball Championships had his application for a quick citizenship denied. Officals say if he wants to have his request speeded up he has to do what everyone else does… come into Canada by paying a human trafficker and claim to be a refugee…

Chicago Cubs manager Lou Pinella retired to spend more time with this mom reversing the general trend of players to extend their careers to get away from their baby mommas

Washington Redskins DE Albert Haynesworth says he has a muscle condition known as rhabdomyolysis and it was aggravated when he spent the summer hauling cheques to the bank

Anaheim Ducks forward Joffrey Lupul says he will miss the upcoming training camp with a blood infection to which Albert said... oh yeah... I have a blood infection

Top 5 signs your baseball announcer is getting on in years
# 5 Vince Scully once dated his grandmother
# 4 Needs a 3rd, 5th and 7th inning stretch
# 3 Eats his evening pre-game meal at noon
# 2 Uses binoculars to read his script
# 1 Constantly refers to the game as Rounders

Construction crews in Edmonton recently uncovered a fossilized artifact that could either be a dinosaur bone or a remnant of a championship trophy

A 12 year old player from Taipei’s little league baseball team weighs 205 lbs. A team spokesman says he not only is their best hitter he also is able to buy the beer for the coaches after the game

Seriously a 205 lb 12 year old? What are they feeding the kids in Taipei? Other slow kids?

Oregon State offensive lineman Tyler Patrick Thomas was tasered when he charged police while naked on a woman’s lawn. Police said he took off at them from a 3 point stance and later clarified it to a 4 point stance

The Chicago Bulls unveiled a statue of former great Scottie Pippen. Asked when they plan to have a similar honour for a player, Toronto Raptors officials said when someone stops acting like a statue during games.

Miners in Chilie are expected to be trapped underground for the next 4 months the longest time anyone has been left in the dark since Thomas Kaberle learned he might be traded

The Edmonton Eskimos are expecting a near capacity crowd for the weekend game with the Saskatchewan Roughriders and in a show of hometown support Rider fans say they will cheer for the occasional Eskimo success

The Canadian Medical Association says MMA fighting is linked to severe brain injury and disability. Asked to comment an MME spokesman said...uhhh... ummmm... what was the question?

NFL owners are considering an 18 game season to add more meaningful games to which fans of the Detroit Lions asked... what is a meaningful game?

It took me the longest time to realize The Expendables wasn’t about NHL free agents expecting to haul in over $2 million as a cap hit

The Alberta Government is considering introducing a sales tax saying the people of Alberta are now used to their NHL teams taxing their patience

Tiger Woods shot a 65 and is leading tournament just days after his divorced was finalized. He credits his Buddhist beliefs saying Nirodha or the end of suffering finally caught up with him

Alberta Culture Minister Lindsay Blackett says his much-publicized remark that Canadian television is "crap" referred not to current shows on air, but to watching the Eskimos

Kurt Browning watched his house nearly burn to the ground after trying to dry out his car seats with a leaf blower the most expensive blow job since President Clinton

Same Sex MME Coupling

2010-08-19T15:02:00.000-07:00

If the CFL like all sports enterprises is trying to cultivate alternative revenue sources they should look into licensing erectile drugs like Cialis, Viagra or Molsons ... as part of an on air running promotion with the announcers... because no one mentions scoring, drilling or hooking up more than the TSN crew...

The Toronto Raptors waived forward-centre Dwayne Jones on Monday. It was a shock to Raptor fans who expected the five-year NBA veteran who has averaged 1.3 points in 82 career games to replace the scoring of Hedo Turkoglu

The Province of Ontario has given approval for future Mixed Martial Arts fighting MME saying they decided to follow the lead of California and license all forms of same sex couplings...

The reasons given for licensing MME events was said to be economic as the Province was billions of dollars in the red and needed to balance it out with a moral deficit as well...

The Province says they will reap a windfall in tourism, broadcast rights, fees and registrations and say additional expertise will be gained in the area of performance enhancing drug development, speech therapy and of course the practical experience with brain injuries...

Tourism officials are test marketing a new slogan for the Province... Ontario come for the mindless savagery and stay because you can't walk or remember where you are going...

Alberta was considering allowing MME events but even the calf ropers said it was too cruel...

France has come down hard on their World Cup footie team by placing 5 players on suspension and more important limiting smoke breaks during training

Despite a year of poor results Tiger Woods is still #1 in rankings as the PGA... like divorce courts... heavily weigh past performance

Despite getting “many significant and promising offers” the Toronto Maple Leafs have decided to keep Thomas Kaberle and will now go with plan B... losing

Denver Broncos QB Tim Tebow was drilled as he scored during a pre season game with the Cincinnati Bengals causing him to wear a new slogan on his eye black... #@$%&@#

Tebow was nailed in practice causing him to be helped off the field. He then compared the hit to Judas at the Last Supper

Former British PM Tony Blair plans to donate the profits from his memoir to the Royal British Legion to help injured servicemen. No word on if former President George Bush will give any of his profits towards US serviceman when his baseball popup book comes out

Edmonton's Royal Alexandra Hospital emergency department is launching a survey of homeless people in an attempt to find ways to better serve them. One suggestion... pay CFL players a living wage...

A University of Alberta dentistry professor has received a $1-million US grant to continue his research into restoring damaged dental roots using ultrasound and stem cells. The research will be carried out during the NHL season when subjects are readily available

Officials are upset when the ship loaded with refugees from Sri Lanka arrived in Victoria asking for asylum and not a single passenger was able to crack the Canadian National Soccer team line-up

People who collect celebrity memorabilia are anxiously awaiting the weekend, when props and costumes from the TV show Lost go up for auction. This is the second auction for Lost memorabilia after the Edmonton City Council offered equipment from their professional teams

This week represents the end of the Muslim holy month of Ramadan not to be confused with the end of the NFL training camp hook-ups which is known as the Ramada Throng

The Minnesota Twins removed pitcher Kevin Slowey in the 7th inning despite him throwing a no hitter up to that point. This contrasts the Pittsburgh Pirates who in order to remove a pitcher who has a no hitter going does so in the 2nd

A bull in Spain jumped into the stadium during a fight which was the most serious case of bull in a stadium since Mike Kelly left Winnipeg

Minnesota Vikings QB Brett Favre was escorted back to practice by 3 teammates a move which resonated with anyone who has elderly parents as they sometimes wander off and can’t find their way home...

The reason it took 3 players to get Favre back was made clear by team officials... one to pack his bags and 2 to help find the Blackberry his wife hid...

Favre says he decided to unretired in order to spend less time with his family and more quality time sexting the people he lusts

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagovitch was found not guilty of selling valuable seats in Chicago. Jurors say they were swayed when some of the seats for sale were for Chicago Cubs World Series games

The Potash Corp is under a hostile takeover offer from an Australian company in what is sure to be the biggest battle for a fertilizer based product since LeBron took his talents to Miami

Top 5 rejected rules for the NHL

# 5 Replace the term icing with frosting

# 4 After 10 fights a player is promoted to MME

# 3 Blue lines widened to the thickness of Don Cherry’s collar

# 2 Instigator rule applies if fights don’t start with “Mother may I?”

# 1 Stick curves to be measured against groupies curves

Weak Kneed

2010-08-13T14:23:00.000-07:00

I have heard the Tampa Bay Stadium is a dump but saying it should be replaced because of the catwalk is like saying Boston has to replace Fenway Park because of the Green Monster

Like almost everyone who faced Nolan Ryan from the mound Mark Cuban got the high hard one during negotiations with Ryan over the purchase of the Texas Rangers. In what must have been the financial equivalent of a brush back pitch Ryan was left with ownership of the Rangers and Cuban blaming the media

Lee Westwood who was playing with Tiger Woods, removed himself from the Bridgestone Invitational with an ankle injury after the second round. It was considered by experts to be an improvement as this is the 1st time in weeks someone playing around with Tiger hasn`t been left weak kneed...

In a surprise twist the owner of the Hamilton Tiger Cats says the location of the new stadium is between a site outside Hamilton or one in Phoenix

Houston Texans LB Brian Cushing claims he was experiencing “over trained athlete syndrome” after testing positive for performance enhancing drugs. It’s similar to the condition of Albert Hainsworth except for being the exact opposite

The World Health Organization say they believe the H1N1 Flu has run its course and can now focus on a cure for the Philly Flu

Watching the Jet Blue flight attendant lose his mind makes me wonder why the NBA let this guy slip thorough their scouting

Calgary researchers have created a microchip that "communicates" with brain cells and when implanted in a patient. The 1st question from the chip was “What’s up with the Flames signing Jokinen?”

Phil Mickelson says he is suffering from a rare form of arthritis which makes playing golf very painful. This means that both Phil and Tiger Woods are suffering from the effects of swollen joints

The NY Nets have given their intention to the NBA for a name change in 2 years thus opening up the path for the Brooklyn Roughriders

After voiding the contract offered by the NJ Devils to Alex Kovalchuck the NHL also increased their drug testing policy to now include team owners before and after contract proposals

Alberts Fat Wallet

2010-08-05T15:22:00.000-07:00

After a game interrupted by lightning and hail it was only fitting Danny Machochia of the Edmonton Eskimos was let go. At one point ownership said it would take a force of nature to remove him and if you ask any wife of a professional athlete... hail stones on the ground in Edmonton in July is a sign of hell freezing over...

Andy Fantuz tore apart the Hamilton Tigercats defense after the release of his Fantuz Flakes cereal... so much so that they are going to introduce another cereal this time using shreddies

NY Jets cornerback Darrell Revis is sitting out training camp saying he wants to be the highest paid DB in the NFL. It appears the only thing he isn’t able to cover is his greed

I guess if you ask Heido Turkulu or Chris Bosh Toronto has become a world no class city

Denver Broncos rookie QB Tim Tiebow has the best selling jersey in the NFL. Asked to comment on why his jersey is so popular Tim said “God knows”

BP has started to plug the leak in the Gulf coast and thanks are being sent to Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert for providing the advanced mudslinging technology used to plug the hole

The United Arab Emirates is threatening to ban the use of RIM technologies Blackberries due to possible security problems. NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman was quick to point out he was the 1st one to ban RIM owner Jim Balsillie and it was for something more important than national security... a personal vendetta

Former NHL tough guy Geroges Laraque has been named deputy leader of the Green party. Laraque beat out other potential candidates when he informed them he would actually beat them for the job

Laraque is a vegetarian and says he has helped other NHL’ers become vegetarians... mostly by removing the ability to chew meat

Chinese authorities are being accused by a Conservative MP of trying to bribe officials with money and sexual favours causing USC to open a new recruiting campus in Beijing

The Washington Redskins have updated the odds out of shape DE Albert Hainsworth practicing from slim to fat chance

What a coincidence the X-Games coincided with the beginning of NFL training camp or as the groupies call it the XXX Games

Protesters in Calgary lowered a banner from the Calgary Tower with an anti-oil message. It was originally thought to be the work of Greenpeace but turned out to be disgruntled Flames fans who misspelled Oli

The #1 movie this year is Inception about a group of individuals who enter the dreams of people and steal their ideas. This is not to be confused with In Edmonton where every day is a living nightmare and the sporting teams steal your hope.

Lebron James took out a full page ad in an Akron Ohio newspaper as a gesture to his hometown fans. The ad would have only been a ½ page but it would not have allowed the gesture to include his complete middle finger

A Canadian group is rumoured to be interested in purchasing the Liverpool Football Club. Speculation is centred on Maple Leafs Sports as they have the money and experience running a team that can’t score and has underachieved for decades

A challenge to the new 0 tolerance drinking law for young drivers in Ontario has been filed in court. The brief accuses the Government of discrimination based on age, a breach of the Charter of Rights and more important is going to adversely affect the chances of the Raptors ever getting a big name NBA star

A survey of adults in North America has found a vast majority are pessimistic about their future. The survey found those in Cleveland and Toronto had the least optimistic view while Miami was surprisingly upbeat

The President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmadinejad escaped an assignation attack when a grenade thrown at him missed by a mere 100 yards thus answering the question “ Whatever happened to Ryan Leaf?”

The Calgary Flames unveiled a new uniform for the Heritage Classic and the day after the Calgary Hitmen and Regina Pats will play the 1st outdoor CHL game. Despite the new sweaters fans attending the games will probably wear what they always do to McMahon Stadium... something whit a Roughriders logo on it

A new survey shows Canadians swear more than most Countries and blame it on frustration, anger and watching Toronto pro sports teams

Conservative Cabinet minister Stockwell Day says the Government will build prisons for criminals for crimes that go unreported. Not to be outdone the City of Toronto says they will build a museum for championship trophies and awards collected by their pro sports teams

A testie camera

2010-07-29T16:29:00.001-07:00

Robert McCune... a defensive end for the Calgary Stampeders... spent 4 years active duty in Afghanistan, Iraq, Korea and Kuwait...played NFL football with Washington, Baltimore and Cleveland... and originally looked at playing in the CFL for the Eskimos... but even he can’t get his wife to move to Edmonton...

I know the purpose of putting black under your eyes... to reduce the glare of the Sun... so what is the point of the Calgary Stampeders wearing a black patch with a white horse in the middle? It’s used as an excuse by receivers... couldn’t see the ball because the horse was in my eyes...

With Rickey Ray and Jason Moss playing QB for Edmonton they don’t need a microphone in the helmet as they both have great satellite reception... I’ll bet during the QB meetings everyone is all ears...

I would like to have a say in the player drafting of my favourite teams... I think the last round of the draft should be for fans only that way we can at least have the satisfaction of watching a player we pick make the big time.

18 people were killed during a “Love Fest” stampede in Germany but PETA was happy to point out no horses were lost in the tragedy

Asked what the secret was in their home win over Saskatchewan Calgary Stampeders head coach John Hufnagel said it was to score 1st and take the crowd out of the game

Both the Alberta NHL teams were cited for food violations in their arenas and the charges mirrored their seasons. The Oilers had instances of serving up raw meat while the Flames were guilty of being a choking hazard.

In what has to be a nod to this year’s World Cup there was another no hitter in the Major Leagues of baseball or as soccer fans call it a no no.

Rookie Dez Brant of the Dallas Cowboys says he won’t carry the pads for veterans even though it is an established tradition. Dez says he is paid to play football and once he finds a way to untie himself from the goalpost will prove it.

Team Radio Shack was penalized for changing jerseys on the last day of the Tour de France when they wore a number 28 to recognize the 28 million people who are battling cancer. The Toronto Maple Leafs says they plan to honour their futility by wearing jerseys with 43 the number of years since they have been relevant.

The NHL is doing its part to help with the Gulf Coast oil spill by providing BP with help in sending unwanted salaries to Russia

I thought TSN was getting a little too close with their camera work during CFL games but the benefits are impressive... especially the Proctor Cam which is useful in screening the prostate...

The camera and lenses have a really cool editing function which allowed a close up on a critical fumble during the Argo/Lions game and... thanks to the Ballistrator Cam... we now know that even though his testicles hit the ground it... is still a fumble...

That had to be embarrassing for the receiver when they kept circling his testies with the Telestrator and measuring them against the ball...

The isolation features allow TSN to follow each player from zip up to zip on the field which can be awkward... especially for the poor on field reporters... the TSN team in the booth needs to be there with updates faster than a lawyer to a disaster...so the guys upstairs keep up the pressure by announcing on air... we don’t seem to know what is happening... just as soon as we hear something we will pass it on... don’t make me think I’ve been drinking since noon...

The poor reporter is walking up to the player with 5 guys yapping in their ears telling what to ask... excuse me #86... you just dropped the ball... Matt upstairs says it was a sure 6... so your bad... Josh wants to know how is this affecting your mothers’ cancer... Shultzie wants an update on your negotiations for next year and on your Twitter account did you really mean LOL:)?

Wiki Leaks posted over 92000 documents in the Internet outlining the troubles the US and their allies are having in Afghanistan. This is not to be confused with Wiki Leafs where naked pictures of Toronto Maple Leafs forwards are posted.

The Federal Government is catching flack over their suggestion to stop taking the long form census. Asked to comment a spokesman for the Saskatchewan Roughriders said anything that encourages accurate counting should be encouraged

Weather or not Golf

2010-07-22T16:22:00.001-07:00

Watching the golfers play into the wind and rain at the British Open on a 150 year old course makes you wish the NHL would play the Stanley Cup on a historic site... like the Ottawa Canal.

Very confusing week tuned into the Weather Channel and a golf game broke out... went to the ER and a rodeo broke out... went to a eulogy and a baseball game broke out

What is it with Tiger Woods dropping his club on the greens when he misses a putt? It shows no respect for other players and you would think he has learned by now to keep control of his shaft.

With the Saskatchewan Roughriders wearing their retro jerseys it was the 1st time everyone in Calgary was cheering for the red and white

Louis Oosthuizen is cashing in on his British Open triumph with new sponsorship deals with The Gap, Chicklets and Space Mountain

CFL receivers seem to be dropping a lot of passes this season. Instead of keeping their eye on the ball the players seem to be looking on the field for loose change

The NHL rejected the contract of Ilya Kovalchuk when it was determined the last 5 years of the deal would put him under the cap hit of the CFL

Radical Muslim Clerics are demanding their followers not wear the jersey of the Manchester Red Devils. Instead they would like to see them support their local teams by wearing clothing of the Stoned to Deathers, Limb Removers or Suicide Bombers

The City of Calgary is losing population and to correct this trend they plan to have more CFL games with Saskatchewan

Top 5 signs your NHL contract may be invalid
# 5 After every game the player gets his weight in beer
# 4 Manager insists you sign it with a glitter pen
# 3 If you don’t make the playoffs the player has to mow the owners lawn
# 2 Contract expires when there is world peace
# 1 The last 3 years you are paid in chickens

Spy n Trade

2010-07-16T14:08:00.000-07:00

From Edward Osborne a student in Calgary... Calgarian Jim Kinnear the CEO of Pengrowth Management paid $11 million to purchase a house that is on the 18th green of St Andrews golf and country club in Scotland. Asked why he would pay so much Kinnear said he has always wanted to retire and be able to kick millionaire golfers off his lawn.

It was tough watching the CFL game from Empire Stadium especially since they left the cameras back at the old BC Place

The images during the TSN broadcast were brutal... the wind blew the “mounted” shots like a flag in a stiff breeze... I couldn’t make out half of the players when they went into the shadows... and the only ones more clueless than the cameramen as to who had the ball was the announcers

The camera work was so bad the announcers started Tweeting “WTF?” to both their loyal followers

The NFL Network is televising some of the CFL games with the Edmonton Eskimos being only team not being shown this year. Network officials say they wanted to include them but their wives wanted nothing to do with Edmonton.

Critics are wondering why the US sent 10 spies to Russia and only received 4 back in return. The answer was pretty simple... the US needed to shed some salary to stay under the cap. As the swap comes during NBA free agency it’s being called a spy n trade

The BC Government will end up paying $925 million to stage the 2010 Winter Olympics. Officials are really excited saying it works out to less than the cost of a couple of extra tall frappe mocha non fat cinnamon foam cappuccinos per taxpayer

A recent survey show STD rates have skyrocketed in seniors with the biggest jump in men still active in pro sports. I guess when they say the guys are having a rubber match they must be breaking

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman made over $7 million last year in salary and bonuses. If we stick him in the minors will next year’s pay count against the cap?

Oakland Police say because of budget cuts they will no longer respond to all calls and want the public to go on line to report non-life threatening crimes. In addition they are considering opening a Facebook page to post all the infractions involving the Oakland Raiders

It’s difficult to see who is having the most trouble with the cap the Chicago Blackhawks, the Miami Heat or BP

Jesse Jackson says that Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert who paid over $120 million to a player is making comments like a plantation owner about a runaway slave. Now wait a cotton picking minute...

Former NY Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has died thus paving the way for him to fire and re-hire deceased manager Billy Martin from the Angels

38 year old Cyclist Lance Armstrong has been involved in 4 accidents in this year’s Tour de France. Experts say Armstrong hasn’t yet adapted to his aging body and gets run over when he goes into the passing lane

The YMCA is changing its name to just “Y” which is being contested by Cleveland Cavaliers fans who have a trademark pending on Y??? Y??? Y???

Tiger Woods has changed his putter so now he doesn’t even have loyalty to his clubs. Someone should tell him you dance with the one who brung ya...

Tiger says his new putter has a better groove technology because what Tiger needs is to get his groove back

Mel Gibson is a big fan of World Cup football... his favourite position... strike her

Watching the golfers play into the wind and rain at the British Open on a 150 year old course makes you long for the NHL to play the Stanley Cup on a historic site... like the Ottawa Canal.

The derision to the decision

2010-07-08T19:32:00.000-07:00

It looks like Flames GM Darryl Sutter has traded in his pickup truck for a DeLorean.

Health Canada says they have over 9 million doses of the H1N1 Flu shots that will expire at the end of the year. It could have been much worse but during the World Cup there has been a huge increase in the number of football fans calling in sick with flu like symptoms

Goalies at the World Cup have a save percentage on average of .700 or as the NHL calls it Oileresque

Don Coryell the innovator behind today’s football passing schemes did this week. The funeral was held and as a tribute the pallbearers dropped back into the shotgun and rolled right before handing him off

A Chinese tight rope walker has set a Guinness book record by staying on a high wire for 60 days. This eclipsed the earlier record for balancing acts held by The Chicago Blackhawks who stayed within pennies of the salary cap

Jamarcus Russell the former 1st round pick of the Oakland Raiders was arrested and charged with possession of a cough syrup with codeine. In an effort to reduce his charges Russell apparently gave up his supplier... Snuffelufagus

An octopus has selected Spain to advance in the World Cup over Germany although I would have thought with all those hands it would have picked Uruguay

The octopus was German and named Paul but after the game ended with Spain winning he was renamed main course

A fan fell 30’ reaching for a foul ball during a Ranger-Indians game causing a 30 minute delay. This is the longest delay for a Rangers game since the team let former President and part owner George Bush write out the starting line-up

Top 5 questions Tiger Woods won’t answer
# 5 Boxers, briefs or commando?
# 4 Who got more action you or your Dad?
# 3 Did you hear any good jokes in Limerick?
# 2 Do you wash your own balls?
# 1 Do Tigers mate better in captivity or in the wild?

A leading Dutch environmental agency has taken the blame for some of the glaring errors in the Global Warming report saying they were rushed, understaffed and hung over after watching their team reach the World Cup finals

After being shut out during their game with Germany, England’s World Cup team is being called toothless thus joining the rest of the population

The Chinese government signed a $130 million deal for Canadian wheat in what was described as a difficult negotiation. Both sides argued over price, delivery and payment terms. They only came to an agreement after the Saskatchewan Roughriders agreed to toss in some watermelon helmets

Police say they know who was responsible for shooting another man following Michael Vick's birthday celebration, but the shooter will not be charged "at this time". Police say they know who the victim is but after fleeing the scene he won’t speak or roll over the shooter. Police can only speculate on the motive but think someone may have had a bone to pick with him.

An audit has found millions in fraud and graft as the Russian Olympic team prepared for the Vancouver Games. Officials say they hope to get convictions as they caught many of the offenders’ red handed

Canadian lawmakers say recreational boaters must be more prepared for possible accidents while on the water. Operators of vessels should have more experience with a sinking ship, and suggest training with the Leafs, Argos or Jays

An espionage scandal between Russia and the United States ended with a swap of prisoners between the countries. In an attempt to free up some payroll the Calgary Flames hoped to toss Ales Kotalik into the deal

Following ESPN`s 1 hour special Lebron James `The Decision ‘` is a 60 month ESPN follow-up `The Derision`` starring Cleveland, NY, Chicago and anyone who wants to watch actual sports. Does this make it eligible for job creation tax breaks

When the decision came down every son who had a mom of retirement age knew... he was headed to Miami...

BP is hoping to capitalize on the signing by capping the well before he arrives and calling it a welcoming present...

Quick... is this too much for a comic book... Lebron, Chris and Dwayne signed in Miami to team up and plug the BP oil spill in the Gulf before the tar balls land on South Beach...

Lebron said he wanted to thank the man above... Pat Riley

The economy in Cleveland must be getting better when you can burn a $200 jersey...

I bet the guy who set fire to the jersey puts it on EBay... Who wouldn`t pay 2.1 million for the charred hopes and dreams of Cleveland?

The best commercial during `The Decision" was the pitch for the Black and Decker electric butt shiner

History was made Thursday when an airplane took off and flew 24 hours using only solar power. Meanwhile the Cleveland Cavaliers have seen their NBA hopes come crashing down to earth

Since they have had no really good draft picks in the last few years the Calgary Flames have let go their scouting staff calling them redundant

The Flames now have 2 people with a GM title or a double Feaster

The humane Society is protesting in Calgary saying what is being done there is cruel and unusual punishment and that’s just what the Flames are up to, the Calgary Stampede Rodeo is bad too

Upon fewer review

2010-06-28T01:19:00.000-07:00

There were 300 arrests Saturday evening in Toronto as part of the Gr8 protest slightly more than the number arrested during riots following the English/American World Cup losses earlier in the day.

When told there were 300 arrested in protest to the loss of civil and environmental controls and corporate raiders a British Football supporter was quoted as saying “cute”.

A spokesperson for the riot says they hope to make a small profit from a combination of the revenue from looting, blog related advertising and better than projected prices on raw materials. This was due to surplus sticks, bricks, pucks, Molotov cocktails and kegs leftover from the Montreal Canadians short lived playoff run

Who says Harper doesn’t attend extravagant arts and culture ceremonies with wildly divergent forms of artistic expression?

They arrested and held the rioters in an old film studio; I think the previous movie filmed there was a Police Squad sequel. The processing center was a boon to the anarchists who were taking civil disobedience majors in College as they could edit their term papers on the spot.

Do you call a guy with a cell phone at a riot embedded or does he have to get bedded 1st? I am so jealous. There are really hot women in passionate debate of the issues leading today’s riots. When I was a young rioter we were lucky if we got a pretty RN in recovery

The Gr8 Riot of Toronto was so familiar. When I was a kid it was called the boys got drunk... someone hit a Cop... with a car... a fire got started... the boys were in jail and the women had to go and bail their asses out. The proper name in Saskatchewan wasn’t riot it was called a Bonspiel

Top 5 signs your riot left over from the Montreal Canadians playoff run
# 5 It is funded with a Canada Council Grant
# 4 Smoking is recommended
# 3 Invitations state dress is black tie & balaclava
# 2 Pucks are added to the traditional police car torching
# 1 The rioters making a difference are the ones wearing Jaroslav Halack masks

I was kinda creeped out by the reaction of Peter Mansbridge to all the coverage that was supplied from freelance sources. I thought he should have spent more time with the new British Prime Minister instead of constantly asking the interns if he was still relevant...

The CBC really went all out with the coverage... but with the previous network commitments I found it hard to tell what was World Cup rioting and what was Gr8 rioting.

I thought the CBC had all the right angles and bringing in Don Cherry for a special Coaches Corner was a masterstroke. Don was in fine form showing how Canadian rioters were far more aggressive in the corners than their Swedish counterparts

You know what the Gr8 security needed to help with crowd control? A few dozen hockey referees. It was a riot in Toronto. A few guys in Zebra stripes giving out penalties, it would have been over in less than 3 hours commercials included.

Most of the rioters had probably played hockey and just the sight of a referee would be enough to have them drop the puck and head to a penalty box.

I spent the weekend glued to the cover as the great minds sat around tables and plotted the future with expert assistance and commentary. The end really was a bit of a surprise with the winner being Team Taylor over Team Tyler. I smell a sequel to Twilight!

I wonder who had more hand infractions this weekend players during World Cup Games, anarchists at the Gr8 Riot or Cougars prowling the NHL teenage draft?

The Alberta Government released a report saying they are only $1 billion in debt for this year instead of the projected $4.5 billion. The announcement was timed to coincide with the Wildrose Party meeting and a way of showing fiscal conservatives they had a grip on the finances. It just feels like the Phoenix Coyotes – Jim Balsille court fight. Substitute Gary Bettman for Ed Stelmach and Jim Balsille for Danielle Smith and the game is the same as they are both fighting for power, money and are on thin ice with the rules.

Being a member of the Calgary Flames draft team had the same clout as being the Greek finance minister at the G 20 Summit.

I felt bad for Brian Burke and Daryl Sutter when the other owners made the Flames and the Leafs sit at a kiddie draft tables.

F1 was thankful a catastrophe was averted during a spectacular crash this weekend that ended up with the driver walking away. After reviewing the video it was confirmed that the poster he flew over was a licensed sponsor of the circuit.

There was over 110,000 people in Philadelphia for the 3 game Jays home stand and increase over the 100,000 fans the Jays had for the month of June

FIFA is taking calls for replay on controversial goals very seriously and hope to have an answer when they meet in a retreat in Tahiti to discuss efficiencies.

The CFL Players Association has agreed to a new collective bargaining agreement that sets a new minimum wage in line with the wages of the concession workers other pro sports teams.

When the CFLPA says they had to make concessions in this contract, it took players a while to learn how to make popcorn without burning it

The agreement also has a new drug testing policy. The players will be randomly tested. Recreational drugs are not included as any athlete making what they do need access to drugs that make you forget.

The Alberta Government has increased the number of retirement beds in the Province just in time to see the Flames and Oilers send a bunch of veterans out to pasture.

FIFA says they will revisit technology upgrades in future World Cups. They hope to have news and will issue a press release once the typesetters return from vacation

I wonder if Oilers who were released or waived felt like a Martin Luther King Jr. speech... Free from last... Free from last...

The term Free Agency as applied to millionaire athletes is like the term Corporate Oversight to Wall Street brokers

Four Russians are alleged to have been spies for Russia and were found to have forged Canadian identities. Officials became suspicious when the individuals pronounced about “aboot”, thought Ron Lancaster was a curler and cheered for Russia in the Olympic hockey tournament

A spokesman for the US border services said Canadians blend in so well because they sound American. This was followed with an angry call from Quebec for an apology and for funds to form a committee examining potential damage awards to all French Canadians.

One of the spy suspects has a racy Facebook page with pictures of her in various stages of dress which should have been a tip off as not a one of them was filmed wearing a Flames, Leafs or Canadians jersey

One of the alleged spies has disappeared and authorities are worried he may play hockey which would pretty well make him invisible to the US public

I love how the teams in pro sport agree to a salary cap and then spend millions buying out contracts, sending salary to the minors or “loaning” players to a KLH squad... in an effort to stay under the salary cap. The salary cap counts only as much as a conscious counts to a money manager from Goldman Saks

The Calgary Flames are trying to rid themselves of the contract of Ales Kotalik and will buy him out if necessary for the cost of $ 4 million or roughly the team salary of the Calgary Stampeders 32 man roster for 2010.

I don’t know what I am going to watch when the World Cup ends as the only Network that regularly broadcasts less scoring at 7:00 AM is Nickleodeon

I really hope he makes a comeback but it is beginning to look like a Cheechoo train wreck

Nigeria has pulled funding for their national football team and they will not compete with other nations for 2 years as backlash for the team not making it to the World Cup playoff. The move has been criticized as counterproductive because Nigeria can only get better by playing world class teams. NHL experts say it is like giving away 2 1st round draft picks for a proven scorer

Soccer Blu!

2010-06-24T17:26:00.000-07:00

The French have a name for someone who is sent home with pay for disgraceful performance and conduct... the working class.

In honour of the French team’s performance the 24 hours of Le Mans will be re-named the Grand Pricks

The French performance has called for a radical overhaul of the influence bureaucracy is having on team morale. And they will... once the Ad Hoc Committee is formed they expect to issue a statement mission in the New Year

This has to be the 1st time a Frenchman has complained after being sent home from his job early. Except for retirement

African Nations are having a difficult time getting through the qualifiers and in an ironic repeat of most 3rd world aid, the celebration in South Africa has eliminated the hosts.

It must be a real ironic twist for Americans to go into Africa and get robbed by officials rather than bribing them to rob Africans

Pat Quinn got a promotion from the Edmonton Oilers from Head Coach to special assistant. This is like the CEO of BP getting a promotion from managing the Gulf oil crisis to cleaning oily pelicans

The Calgary Flames are getting set for the upcoming NHL entry draft or as they are calling it Passover

The San Jose Sharks have parted ways with goaltender Evengi Nabokov saying they wanted to go a different direction... as winners

A 5.0 earthquake rocked Ontario and Quebec this week. The last time the ground had shook this much was when Sidney Crosby scored the Golden Goal for team Canada

The quake rattled windows and tossed valuables off display cases but fortunately no Toronto sports team had any hardware to break

It’s fun watching a rookie from small town Canada standing up at a podium in Vegas to accept an award. I especially liked their speeches and the way they thanked the person most responsible for getting them to where they are... the cooks

There have been a record number of Bear attacks reported in parts of Canada this year. But by far and away the most clawing of Canadians has to go to the cougars and the hockey players at the NHL awards. If they finally decide to put an NHL team in Saskatoon you can bet they will name it the Cougars. One enterprising agent is pitching an adult video called “The Cougars of the Saskatoon Valley”

The NHL promised big name entertainment in Vegas and they delivered with George Stroumboulopoulos

When 6’9” Tyler Meyers won the Calder Cup he brought up foolscap lined paper filled with a list of people to thank. I don’t think he is a polished speaker yet. The only thing shaking more than his paper were the new rookies sitting in the audience.

The band Shinedown played their hit Sound of Madness or as it is known by in the NHLPA... a conference call

I guess it was fitting for the US Military to present a trophy at the NHL awards. The Canadian teams especially have ties as the Leafs are “being all they can be”, the Flames are “an army of one” and the Oilers are sending baby faced recruits into live fire

A Canadian official is under fire by hinting the Chinese may be increasing their influence by giving money to Government programs. This has caused a scandal as the process of bribing officials already has rules similar to getting an NHL franchise and no one asked Gary Bettman for permission

A car in Toronto was stopped by Police and found packed with pick axes, gasoline containers, baseball bats, a crossbow and chainsaws. At first there was a concern over a terrorist plot at the G-20 Conference but later is was revealed to be just an English fan stocking up before the big World Cup game with Germany

A men’s single Wimbledon tennis match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut finally ended when Isner got a winner in the 5th set with a score of 70-68. This is the longest match in tennis history just beating out the Chrissy Evert Jimmy McEnroe match of the ‘80’s

Skirting the issue

2010-06-17T14:55:00.000-07:00

The terminology between American football and World Cup football is so different. For instance in the World Cup a set piece is when players line up for a free or corner kick whereas in American football it’s when you have a groupie waiting for you at a hotel.

World Cup referees have been given lessons in detecting profanities in both French and English. Referees were given speeches by former PM Jean Chretien as he was able to swear in neither official language.

You know Argentina was dominating Nigeria in World Cup play when their coach Diego Maradona had more touches than most of the Nigerian side

Maradona is in a spat with Brazilian great Pele saying he should be put in a museum which is ironic as most football fans see Maradona as the one to be placed in an institution

Can’t believe all the fuss over the horn blowing this week I mean if Dion Phaneuf thinks he can be captain of the Leafs more power to him

After watching Brazil barely squeak by North Korea during World Cup play it appears the North Koreans were able to disguise players with rockets for shots. Leader of North Korea Kim Jong-Il has paid 1000 Chinese actors to cheer for their team in South Africa. After hearing a team is paying to have fans watch an overmatched squad Leafs GM Brian Burke called for the civilized world to remove this dangerous despot.

Tennessee Titans QB Vince Young was involved in a fight at a club when a bouncer gave him the upside down Texas Longhorns salute. Asked to comment NFL Commissioner Roger Godel gave an entirely different hand gesture

A report on wellbeing of Canadians say the average person spends less time on leisure than 10 years ago. The only groups to have an increase were the Blue Jays, Argonauts and Leafs

The Calgary Stampede chose Oklahoma cowboys Jet and Cord McCoy of the American TV show Amazing Race as this year’s parade marshal. Asked why they didn’t select one of the many Olympic athletes from Canada, Stampede officials gave a whole lot of bull

The Saskatchewan Roughriders will wear a retro red, silver and black jersey this year in honour of their 100th anniversary. They will also sell 2010 of the jerseys although the exact amount will be confirmed after a re-count

The US Government is investigating reports of a Sasquatch citing but the mystery may be solved and now that the Stanley Cup playoffs are over Philadelphia Flyers forward Scott Hartnell says he will shave.

After the BP Chairman referred to small people there was a huge uproar with many groups demanded an apology including shrimp worker, short order cooks and the Montreal Canadians

The comments were taken personally by Gary Bettman who demanded BP buy the Phoenix Coyotes as compensation

In an attempt to capitalize on the excitement of World Cup BP says they will enlist the help of Korean footballers and try to contain the spill in the Gulf using a Jung shot

Warren Buffett is urging billionaires to give away half their wealth to charities. Experts say this could potentially cure many diseases, save the environment or keep hockey in the Sunbelt States

The Dutch Embassy is protesting the arrest of women who wore orange miniskirts to do a World Cup ambush promotion for a brewery saying the charges don’t have a tanned, nicely shaped leg to stand on

A real Corker!

2010-06-10T17:58:00.000-07:00

90 year old White House reporter Helen Thomas resigned after controversial comments about Israel. Asked for his opinion Don Cherry said he upset she was forced out and blamed it on French Canadians, Russians and Swedes.

I don’t know what the big deal is with Pete Rose having a corked bat. Some of the best sportswriters have been corked for years... right... Hartley... Cam?

Toronto Raptors forward Hedo Turkoglu says he wants out of the City and is asking to be traded to another club preferably Club Supersex

The Edmonton Eskimos announced they have sold all of the tickets for the upcoming Grey Cup game. They credit it to their marketing efforts towards women by calling the game Stars on Ice

A new report says getting hit in minor hockey causes injuries. This contradicts earlier reports saying getting hit results in fairy dust and lemon drops. The report goes on to suggest keeping kids safely indoors eating chips, drinking pop and taking blood thinners to avoid heart attacks.

A company in England is being investigated for selling a machine that is supposed to detect bombs but in fact is useless. The fraud came to life when it didn’t go off during a Flames/Leafs game

A Portuguese photographer was robbed at gunpoint Wednesday at a World Cup hotel. The man was unconcerned saying it was still cheaper than the hotels minibar.

The online social network Twitter is preparing for a record number of tweets per day during the World Cup. Coincidentally with the number of drunken fans South African police say they expect a huge increase in the number of twits as well. FYI if you are acting like a twit and you are hit with a police baton the proper tweet is “thwack”.

A Calgary candidate for mayor is touting the idea of applying for the 2022 Winter Olympics. He says he would have applied for the Summer Games but he doesn’t have 2020 vision.

Scientists say they will try a new sucker system to get oil out of the Gulf of Mexico. They say the suckers were delayed because of previous commitments to buying a hockey team in Phoenix

A minor league baseball team in Florida will no longer refer to batting practice with its commonly used moniker, "BP," in protest of the British Petroleum oil spill. They will also forbid players from making a slick play, uttering crude remarks or taking a leak.

I’m so old I can remember when “No Sex Please... We’re British” was a movie and not a directive to England’s World Cup players

New World Cup motto for England... Abstinence makes the halves seem longer...

The CFL says it will equip quarterbacks' helmets with special headsets that allow coaches to communicate directly with their pivots. Because of cost restraints teams will use commercial AM channels requiring the QB to be more dialled in than usual. As a way of increasing revenue the CFL is considering expanding the 20 second clock to allow teams to run commercials.

Seattle Seahawks Golden Tate was given a "trespass warning" for breaking into a Top Pot at 3 AM Saturday morning and taking a donut. Team officials were shocked saying they are now questioning Tate’s intelligence as robbing a donut shop is sure to bring cops out in full force.

A Mohave County judge on Wednesday dismissed all Arizona charges against polygamist leader Warren Jeffs. The ruling is expected to hinder prosecution of cases against suspected polygamists in the State, but be a boon in the recruiting efforts of the NBA’s Phoenix Suns.

Police in Ontario are looking for a man who bought 1200 lbs of ammonia nitrate which is used as fertilizer but can be a part of a bomb. Police were suspicious as the spreading of fertilizer in Ontario is usually done during planting season in April or in September at the training camp for the Leafs.

Top 5 signs you may not win the Canadian Grand Prix in Montreal
# 5 You need a GPS device to follow the circuit
# 4 The Oil in your gear box is from the BP Gulf spill
# 3 You got beat by your 6 year old niece in Wii Mario Kart
# 2 You spend the night before having a poutine eating contest
# 1 You demand an ashtray be added to the cockpit

You know Tiger Woods has agreed to play in Limerick Ireland because he started his press release with “There once was a golfer from Nantucket...”

What a Ball!

2010-06-03T17:24:00.000-07:00

Adidas is vigorously defending the quality of the ball it has made for the World Cup saying it is the roundest ball ever made. The ball is made from a patented process called GripnGroove which is coincidentally the theme song for most NBA groupies

Players have said it reminds them of a beach ball to which Adidas spokesman replied they just have to be sure to push in the nozzle once it is inflated

This is the 1st time a scandal has erupted over balls at the World Cup not attached to a player

Rookies report to CFL camps this week and as part of the new collective agreement they will spend the 1st day passing around the collection plate

The International Cycling Union is denying reports athletes have been using electric motors placed inside the bike frames. They say the reports are false and nothing to get wound up about

BP is defending the practice of its executives playing rounds of gold while attempting to cap the Gulf oil spill saying they have a long and respected tradition of stopping for tee times

Russia says they will perform an experiment to simulate a trip to Mars by having astronauts confined to a Spartan, desolate space for 10 months or as CFL players call it a 2 year contract with the Riders

England is imposing a 2 week sex ban for players at the World Cup and will monitor their room to ensure compliance. This is the 1st time an English sex scandal had teeth

Philadelphia Flyers defenseman Chris Pronger is being criticized for throwing the game pucks in the trash from the 1st 2 playoff games. Pronger says this is in honour of his teenage years when he would throw away the rubber when he couldn’t score

Top 5 signs you made a bad call
# 5 You called the infield fly rule and you refereeing football
# 4 You gave a batter a walk after 3 pitches
# 3 The manager runs out and thanks you
# 2 Lens Crafter offers you a promotional job
# 1 You disallowed a goal in hockey because of goaltending

Jose Canseco says he will be a manager in the major leagues in the future if the game will just give him a shot

Tiger Woods says he will no longer employ a swing coach but will instead go over tapes of his past performance. Really... is a joke possibly funnier than what is on everyone’s mind?

The Toronto Maple Leafs are shopping defenseman Thomas Kaberle around in advance of the upcoming NHL draft. The Leafs are said to be looking for a proven scorer, toughness in the corners or a player to round out their golf foursomes

Gordie Howe was given an honorary doctorate from the University of Saskatchewan. According to anyone who had ever gone into the corner with him he won’t be called Dr. Feelgood

You would think with all the teeth he has knocked out he might get a Doctorate of Dentistry

I’m sure I speak for the rest of the NBA fans when I say I hope the Boston Los Angles final has no winner when

The Chief Import

2010-05-27T17:32:00.000-07:00

Phoenix Suns guard Steve Nash broke his nose and then rearranged it while on the court. Steve is glad it happened saying it would make him look less like an immigrant from Canada

A report out of Hamilton says the CFL Tiger Cats and Toronto Argonauts are considering playing in the same stadium. In order to make the deal more financially viable they are considering playing some of their home games in Phoenix and Saskatoon as well

A report out of NY says the NHL Islanders have canceled a training camp trip to China. Team owner Charles Wang is quoted as saying he isn’t sure what went Wong

Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has been replaced from a youth football camp by his coach Mike Tomlinson. A spokesman for the youth is disappointed saying they wanted to learn how to hook up with more than just receivers

With NY being awarded the game for the 1st time in years a Super Bowl will be played outside in winter conditions causing Brett Favre to re-consider playing in the game

A report says the Kansas City Chiefs had a new play in their arsenal called the import where they flew in pretty girls to hook up with before games. Team spokesman were quick to deny the reports saying the players only picked up locals except for the married players who used professionals

Residents of Toronto were shocked when an airplane fell out of the air and landed on the roof of a building. Jays fans were relieved it wasn’t their team crashing back to earth

Pac Man turned 30 this week the most powerful pill popping game next to baseball, football and cycling

A 13 year old boy from California has become the youngest ever to climb the highest peak in the world. He joins other record holders including class mates who got high and peaked in world record time

A study released has shown 10 solid ways to tell if the person you are talking to is lying. The number rises to 11 if you count people who say they thought the Philadelphia Flyers would be in the Stanley Cup final

The US Government is investigating professional cyclists who were paid by the US Postal Team to determine if they bought performance drugs with government money. The investigation is centred on Lance Armstrong and his suspicious success with an underweight package

Diego Maradonna says he will streak naked in Buenos Aires if Argentina wins the World Cup thus ending the argument if he is using performance enhancing drugs

Calgarian Jamie Kureluk shot a record 25 on the back nine of a Canadian Tour golf event. Jamie credits watching the Flames all year as they showed him how to consistently play under par

After a successful Cup run the Montreal Canadians are planning to raise ticket prices. Asked to comment a spokesman for the Toronto Maple Leafs was shocked saying they didn’t know you could get more money for winning

Actor Jack Nicholson will wave the green flag to start the Indianapolis 500 which should help Danica Patrick who will be looking to pass a few good men

President Obama has picked the LA Lakers over Boston Celtics to win the NBA championship but mind you he also has BP over the Gulf oil spill

If the Top Kill plugging attempt to stop the Gulf oil spill fails BP say they will pump down the documents on the Phoenix Coyotes bankruptcy trial and see if any of Gary Bettman’s mud will stick

MLB umpire Joe West has hired a publicist to get additional employment. So far he has had offers from Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers and The Biggest Loser

The NHL combine is set for this weekend 6 months before most of the prairie prospects will get on their everyday combine

Calgary has been awarded a Winter Classic by the NHL and to take advantage of the coldest time of the year plans are to have it in June

Peter Pocklington pleaded guilty to perjury in a California court and faces deportation to Canada. His lawyer says he will apply for refugee status on the basis that if he was to return to Alberta fans with long memories might still attempt to have a lynching party

A group of protestors has blocked plans by Donald Trump to build a golf resort in Scotland. Asked to comment a spokesman for the Donald said it was possible he would take a haircut on the deal

A Law with teeth

2010-05-20T15:38:00.001-07:00

A man offered to give his three-month-old to a mechanic in exchange for two beers. The deal was thwarted when Travis Henry’s baby mama’s noticed he returned from the park with only 6 of the 7 kids he left with.

Police in South Africa staged a display of force before the World Cup to calm resident’s fears of rioting. The Police have taken a page out of Arizona’s new immigration laws and will target fans with bad teeth that are obviously British.

Looters who participated in the riot after Montreal beat Pittsburgh in the Stanley Cup playoffs have been captured on film. Once the identities are confirmed the participants will qualify for a Quebec Dramatic Arts Grant to be funded by Alberta and BC transfer payments.

Ontario has confirmed over $1 Billion in unpaid parking tickets are outstanding. The Government of Quebec say they have no such problem as any car left unattended for more than a couple hours is burned in celebration of a hockey victory.

You have to wonder if the former Dr. for the Toronto Argonauts can realistically be charged with using performance enhancing drugs on the players. You would think at some point the team has to show some example of enhanced performance

U.S. Democratic Senate candidate Richard Blumenthal has been criticized for claiming he served in Vietnam when in fact he was with the reserves and never saw action. This is like a player from the Toronto Maple Leafs claiming they have extensive playoff experience

Police are warning of an online scam that invites users to take part in a World Cup Lottery during this year’s soccer competition. The scam becomes apparent when the user as asked to guess how many goals Canada will score in the tournament

Prime Minister Stephen Harper has appointed David Braley, a Hamilton-area businessman who owns two Canadian Football League teams, to the Senate to fill a vacancy from Ontario. This is the 1st time a person from the CFL has been given a guaranteed salary in decades.

Toronto has shut down both the CN Tower and the Toronto Blue Jays during the G-20 Summit thus leaving only the Subway lines as places for tourists to see some scoring

Lance Armstrong is furious fellow cyclist Floyd Landis has accused him of taking steroids saying he didn’t have the balls to tell him to his face

Top 3 reasons to elect a CFL executive to the Senate
# 3 Familiar with delays, unnecessary roughing and being blind sided
# 2 Used to working less than 6 months a year
# 1 Lots of experience passing small bills

A reports says fathers can suffer from post partum depression which explains the number of anti-depressant prescriptions being issued to NBA players

Arizona Cardinals defensive tackle Darnell Dockett was livid when an online streaming video showed him taking a shower saying he wants to know who leaked it to the press

CBC commentator Ron Maclean will release his biography and if his on air puns continue it will probably be called The Wrath of Grapes

What a riot!

2010-05-13T16:42:00.000-07:00

Hank Haney Tiger Woods long-time swing coach resigned and did it with a text message which read “Saw u on TV OMG WTF r u doin 2 my rep?”
Patrice Cormier the Captain of Canada’s World Jr. team has been charged with assault causing injury. Cormier is leaning on other captains for support especially Captain Morgan

Former Ottawa Rough Riders offensive lineman Bill Stanton passed away at age 86. Family say he just couldn’t hold on any more

TSN did a Top 10 Montreal Canadians game 7 moments but when they came to # 1 they didn’t mention Don Cherry even though it was his gaffe that caused the Boston Bruins to lose the game. In retaliation CBC did a Top 10 worst trades and didn’t mention |TSN’s Mike Millbury, A Top 10 most embarrassing interviews and didn’t mention Michael Landsberg and the Top 10 hottest Sportscasters and didn’t mention Vic Rauter

The City of Glendale Arizona has voted to keep the Coyotes and pay for all losses until an owner is found. The debate was heated with law enforcement officials voicing concern a hockey team would just encourage illegal Canadians to move to Arizona

The Province of Saskatchewan will issue special 100th Anniversary Roughrider license plates. The plates are a collector’s item especially the ones made personally from prison by former Rider Trevis Smith
A riot broke out after Montreal beat Pittsburgh when fans discovered Alberta will no longer subsidize the petrol bombs they are throwing in celebration

41 people were arrested in the riot creating a new band name Stunned 41

As an Albertan I think the idea of transfer payments to have not Provinces is great but did the Flames need to send Camalarri and Hamerlick to Montreal?

Convicted sexual predator Graham James has been found living in Mexico and he apparently blends in well with other Mexican imports like drug dealers and Montezuma’s Revenge

Looking forward to the new movie this week that has a hero that robs from the rich and gives to the poor a sort of reverse Toronto Maple Leafs

Having a riot in Montreal

2010-05-04T09:48:00.000-07:00

Media and protesters are flocking to Arizona due to their seemingly racist profiling of illegal alien workers which has given the economy a huge boost… this has resulted in a new state motto… Arizona… come for the human rights violations… stay for the golf…

In order to show the law was more than just profiling those of Hispanic heritage… Glendale sheriffs raided the 7th game of the Coyotes/Red Wings playoff… and were shocked to find there were Americans citizens with tickets…

Tiger Woods had a bad day on the course missing the cut. Later it was reported he had over 120 affairs surprisingly par for the course

The fabric roof at BC Place Stadium is being replaced with a new retractable roof. The old roof will be recycled with most of the fabric going towards new shirt collars for Don Cherry

Ben Roethlisberger is undergoing personality evaluation as part of his suspension from the NFL. The test will include interviews, ink blot tests and later a cocktail party with Ben giving autographs to pretty interns

The Grand Ole Opry House in Nashville Tennessee was hit by a flood this week. This is the first flood of any interest in Nashville since the Predators took the lead against the Blackhawks

P.E.I. Senator Catherine Callbeck wants to take the Canadian penny our of circulations saying they are only found in jars at homes and on CFL contracts

Taking a high dose of Vitamin D has been found to be effective increasing the chances of fertility in some females. I guess this explains why Manny Ramirez likes playing in the California sun

A recent study shows repeated laughter has the same effect on the body as exercise. Researchers found the results while they studied patients involved in laughter inducing events such as reading a funny book, listening to a comedy CD or watching a Toronto Maple Leafs power play

The suit that OJ Simpson wore when he was acquitted of the murder of 2 people is now in a museum. The item is a relic of history and a harsh reminder of the consequences of naming your kid after an ingredient in a Harvey Wallbanger

The Police officer who tazered a teenager for running on the field during a Philadelphia Phillies game, was within the proper police protocols and will not be punished. According to 70 year old Phillies owner Al Reach any whippersnapper cutting across my lawn should be shot

Top 5 signs the Montreal Canadians have won a playoff game
# 5 Molotov Cocktails are the biggest sellers at the bar
# 4 Bi-lingual property destruction
# 3 Smoke signals announce the score
# 2 None of the guys in Canadians sweaters fighting have tied down their jerseys
# 1 A 1 alarm fire means a loss… a 2 alarm fire is a great victory!

Daft Draft

2010-04-28T14:47:00.001-07:00

The NBA has hit a winner with their “NBA Cares” promotions showing players in a garden because if there is anything they know about it’s planting seeds

A Muslim cleric in Iran says scantily dressed women are causing earthquakes. I guess the outfits and actions of cheerleaders at the NBA playoffs are behind the eruption of the Icelandic volcano.

Paralympics curler Jim Armstrong was arrested at the Canada/US border and charged with trafficking in Viagra. Officials say they became suspicious when he didn’t have to hurry to be hard

Goldman Sacs is charged with creating an investment that they knew would fail and then promoting it to buyers as having a chance to be the best buy ever. They called the investment a “Maple Leaf” in honour of how the Toronto Maple Leafs put together their team each year and sell premium tickets knowing the product has no chance of winning

I now have to apologize to every guy who was unable to throw a ball well when I said they threw like a girl. I should have said they threw like a Danny boy.

Top 5 signs your NFL draft picks are a bust
# 5 The Oakland Raiders are laughing at your picks
# 4 Terrel Owens calls your WR pick a drama queen
# 3 Your # 1 pick threatens to go to the CFL
# 2 None of the player you selected has a rap sheet
# 1 When asked who he would compare himself to your new franchise QB named Jesus

A new nickname for Montreal Canadians goalie Jaroslav Halak after seeing more rubber than a racetrack... Shellak

The GM of the Miami Dolphins asked a college student before the draft if his mom was a prostitute during interviews. This was not a violation of policy but maybe he shouldn’t have followed up by asking how much for an around the world.

Research from a University in England has found the brain is hardwired to expect certain conditions. Taxi drivers anticipate traffic, sanitation engineers expect unpleasant odours and Leaf fans exopect to win the Stanley Cup.

The FIFA World Cup Trophy made a visit to Toronto ahead of this summer’s event. Organizers said they chose Toronto as the only Canadian stop as they have teams that scores less than most soccer games

Arizona passed a law requiring police to check immigration papers of people who are potential illegal immigrants. Police will now stop people of Hispanic heritage and Caucasians wearing hockey jerseys.

A snow storm blew into Calgary on Wednesday the biggest snow job since Darryl Sutter had his year end press conference

A report from Health Canada says Canadian kids are not getting enough exercise and are becoming obese at an earlier age. The report says this will limit children’s employment options to MLB umpire, NFL coach or sportswriter

A giant worm has been found in Idaho shocking scientists who thought it would be in an NFL or NBA city

i-sorry Tiki Tiger and Ben edition

2010-04-10T11:06:00.000-07:00

In addition to not playing for the past 5 months Tiger was breaking in a new set of clubs and weaning himself off of being in clubs

The US Military is trying to repeal the `Don`t ask, don`t tell policy” so it was strange to see Daryl Sutter use it during his year end press conference

Alberta men captured both the World curling championships and the Olympic curling gold medals in addition to having hockey teams that were swept out of playoff contention

16 year old Matteo Manassero made the cut at the Masters and says to get a Green Jacket he plans to work on his short game, putting and lose his virginity

Top 5 memories of the Masters for Matteo Manassero
5 Hooking up with Tom Watsons Great Granddaughter
4 Listening to Arnold Palmer talk about the golfing with wooden clubs
3 Playing X-Box with Jack Nicholas
2 Getting wardrobe advice from Sam Snead
1 The All Bran Breakfast of Champions

It says in my crystal ball that Nashville will be the surprise in the NHL playoffs. I was leaning towards Phoenix but I can’t help but think every team would love to get a chance to beat the club owned by Gary Bettman.

The Tampa Bay Lightning have fired their coach and GM an almost annual rite that is causing scientists to revise their earlier beliefs that lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice

In an effort to help GM Darryl Sutter with his hockey operations the Calgary Flames are installing breathalyzers on all phones during the lead up to trade deadlines and the draft

In what has to be an early Mothers Day present to his wife Edmonton Oilers defenseman Sheldon Souray has asked to be traded

Former NFL player Tiki Barber showed his ability to run behind blocking by announcing he will leave his 8 months pregnant wife for a 23 year old at the same time Tiger Woods was having a press conference. The success of the play will forever be copied by cheating, lying, and responsibility dodging athletes and will be known as the “Tiki Sneak”

Pittsburgh Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger held a press conference saying he would not talk about his allegations of sexual assault. The Police dropped the case after the accuser suddenly decided against pressing charges. Unlike Tiki Barber it seems Ben used the old “Buck stops her” method

You know you are a bit slow when Terry Bradshaw says you are acting like an idiot

Apple has added a new download to their App Store called i-sorry. The i-sorry app will give instant notification of any transgressions and the appropriate apology. i-sorry version 1.0 will focus on sports and will include players from the NBA, NFL and Toronto Maple Leafs. i-sorry version 2.0 will include a special Tiger Woods edition once they figure out how to keep it from hooking up with the other apps.

The World are you Serious?

2010-04-05T22:19:00.000-07:00

Dion Phaneuf has been named the most overrated player by his peers. The voting was restricted to players making $6.5 million for scoring 10 goals and being a minus player

The NCAA is trying to figure out what killed the TV ratings for the final game and it turns out like any good murder mystery the Butler did it.

Tiger Woods started his press conference saying the gallery for a practice round blew him away and no one asked if that was figurative or literal

Tiger said he did everything according to the letter of the law especially the XXX letters

Tiger says he has never took any illegal drugs not HGH, steroids, roofies, ganja, scag, chronic, diddlies and especially not disco biscuits.

Tiger says he will always have a sore knee especially when a warm front blows in or a cold front talks to him about divorce

Tiger used a technique to put the media at ease by mentioning them by their nickname which had an equal success when used on the Sopranos by Pauly Walnuts

Tiger says he is getting the itch to play which was a relief because he had been getting the itch after playing

Washington Wizards forward Gilbert Arenas will have to spend 2 days in jail as part of his 30 day sentence for gun possession. The 2 days are sort of a law enforcement version of the NBA shoot around warm-up

Loved hearing Jason Spezza break into the giggles which reminded us it is a game for men played by boys

QB Donovan McNabb has been traded from Philadelphia to Washington but won’t be forgotten by the team. Eagles chairman Jeffrey Lurie hopes Donovan will come back to be honoured as a Hall of Fame QB and does so while still being able to walk

Watching the Raptors makes you wonder if they are a sleeper playoff team or just a sleeper.

India has enacted sweeping reforms to their education system making it illegal to skip school for those under 12. This will be a blow to their families, the economy and more important to the release of the new Nike Air Rashid shoe

Lamb was in short supply this Easter weekend although a few sacrificial ones were being offered up by the Calgary Flames and Toronto Raptors

After nearly bouncing one to one catcher in the All Star game and tossing it over the head of another on opening day we can assume Little League wasn’t a pre-existing condition for President Obama

Top 5 signs your team may not be in the World Series
# 5 Leadoff batter’s nickname is Pokey
# 4 The team as a whole had 4 no hitters in pre season
# 3 They rely on Milton Bradley for team leadership
# 2 Manager is the new spokesman for an anti-depressant
# 1 The only staff gains are the infections from the shower

March Mattress

2010-03-28T14:05:00.001-07:00

Showing how different East and West are? The Quebec Government is banning burkas from public offices and after getting shelled by the Boston Bruins Flames fans are asking to be allowed to wear them

Tiger Woods is having a “press conference” timed for the same day as the final in March Madness and to capitalize on the event he is calling it March of the Mattress

Jennifer Jones is a dead ringer for Ann Coulter only she should be allowed the freedom to screech after losing at the World Curling Championships

The Calgary Vipers made another trade this week but instead of trading for bats they got rid of their MVP which took balls

George St. Pierre sounded so upset after winning the UFC fight you think he should spend more time wrestling his demons

In a rare agreement both the NHL and Marc Savard admit they never saw Matt Cook’s dirty head shot

Not sure if the gathering of old white men discussing the future of Canada’s national pastime was the NHL Board of Governors or the Liberal Party

A Florida man was accidentally credited with $88 billion in his account. The error was discovered when the NHL did a credit check for another expansion team in Ft. Lauderdale

Statistics show Calgary had a slight increase in fuel consumption during Earth Hour but it was just the result of Flames fans smouldering over their pasting

President Obama may have failed in predicting his March Madness bracket but wealthy Americans lost more when he won the Health Care battle that increased their tax brackets

I wonder if the CD the NHL sent to teams to show the players what an illegal hit is has a soundtrack by the Talking Heads?

Braille call

2010-03-08T11:28:00.000-08:00

Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield say they are considering another fight and Canada is trying to arrange it to coincide with their new Seniors Day

After leaving a blind skier off their last race the Canadian men’s Olympic team has been inundated with hate Braille

With the Ottawa Senators struggling to ice a team because of the flu it reminded me of an Oscar nominated film... The Hurt Locker... room

Ron Artest of the LA Lakers had defense dyed into his hair in 3 different languages... what a cunning linguist

FIFA says they will not allow technology to determine if a goal is good until they can find a way to bribe computers

If LeBron James can switch numbers to honour Michael Jordan is it possible for Colton Orr to change his name out of respect for Bobby?

Russian to Blame

2010-03-05T15:11:00.001-08:00

The Russian paper Pravda is accusing Team Canada of doping saying “Were they on drugs the day they beat Russia?” A spokesman for Team Canada was not surprised by the allegations as they have so much experience doping athletes they can’t help but be suspicious.

A report for the Saskatchewan Roughriders say a domed stadium will cost $380 million but they are waiting for someone to add up the numbers again just to be safe.

Top 5 signs Russia is unhappy with their Olympic results
# 5 Athletes get a 4 month layover in Siberia on the way to Moscow
# 4 Biathletes new training schedule involves coaches with guns
# 3 Water bottles now filled with water instead of vodka
# 2 New ski jump ramp ends at a cliff
# 1 Sport officials say they need better drugs to catch up with competition

John Terry says he wasn’t upset Wayne Bridge didn’t shake his hand as his girlfriend has shaken her booty for him earlier

NASA says they have discovered ice on the dark side of the moon. The findings will be verified by Russia when they send the national hockey team to train for the next Olympics

Devoting a full day of your network to the NHL trade deadline...tens of thousands of dollars, make-up, hair dye and teeth whitener for the experts..... thousands of dollars... coffee and donuts hundreds of dollars... watching pundits spend hours debating if a 7th defenseman is worth a 4th or 5th round pick... priceless

After the PM of Russia demanded they resign the head of the Olympic Committee complied saying he wanted to spend more time with his family once they are released

Tiger Woods was released from sex therapy and quickly denied reports he was at a swingers club saying he was swinging a club

In attempt to burnish his image again Tiger has hired Olympic performer Catherine O’hara to perform his next round of apologies

The bigger Olympic story... Sidney Crosby's stick or William Shatner’s shtick... discuss

In light of the patriotism shown during the Olympics the Government wants to change the lyrics to O Canada but first have to find a hockey line that rhymes with kicked USA’s ass...

I want to be an Olympic athlete so I’m off to McDonalds to start my training

The Government is looking at ways to reduce the cost of texting when they discovered the cost of sending the message “We won hockey Gold!!!” really was priceless

Chad Ochocinco is defending his latest video of him running through a park naked saying it’s part of his application for Dangling with the Stars

The video was just a miscommunication says Chad. When he talked to the producers of Dancing with the Stars they wanted him to bring out his quirky side saying... show us you’re nuts

A poll showed 40% of BC residents say they will never experience a high like the Olympics with the rest saying it will take until their crops dry

Final Column

2010-03-02T09:00:00.000-08:00

Korean skater Yuna Kim is a pop star in her country which is only fitting as their flag looks like the Pepsi logo

Competitors are calling Kevin Martin the Michael Jordan of curling except he doesn’t rock the rim he rolls it up

Having all the women figure skaters do a move that requires them to grab their leg, hold it over their head and glide around the ice surface seems inappropriate. I guess the IOC is concerned about gender identity and have incorporated the Chick Check as a way of verifying.

The Canadian women hockey players are being ripped after drinking and smoking a cigar following their gold medal win. Officials with the IOC were livid as it showed disrespect, set a bad example and used up party supplies reserved for them.

The scene is being hailed by the Taliban as an example of why women should not be allowed to play sports or be out in public and by adult film companies as the beginning of a really good movie.

The IOC is especially upset because after all the effort they went to prevent the little ladies from hurting themselves in ski jumping they go and do something that could have broke a nail.

The IOC might have to remove the women from Olympic hockey because there isn’t enough competition. Asked to explain why Nordic skiing, which has been consistently dominated by Countries such as Norway, Sweden and Finland, should not also be removed an official was indignant saying the men clearly had better genetics and when they win they share the cigars and liquor.

If women are not allowed to play then I just know Gary Bettman will refuse on the grounds of equal rights.

Top 5 signs your Winter Olympic sport may be cancelled
# 5 Uniforms have less than 50% sequins
# 4 No judges to influence the outcome
# 3 Relies on Gatorade instead of gunpowder
# 2 North Americans love it
# 1 You don’t need an interpreter to understand the rules

Blind Canadian Olympic skier Brian McKeever was denied a chance to become the 1st athlete to compete in both the Olympics and Paralympics when he was not included on the men’s 50 km relay race. Asked to comment McKeever says he never saw it coming

It took until overtime but finally Canada... it’s Miller Time!

Not sure where there was more elbowing at the Canada-US game or Jack Layton trying to get his face on TV at Gretzkys Bar in Toronto...

The PM has such massive powers so how come he couldn’t prorogue Nickleback from the closing ceremony?

Column 11

2010-02-25T11:43:00.001-08:00

The International Association of Pole Dancers has applied to be an Olympic sport causing Vanoc to reply great just what we need something else to make it rain

Players from the NHL teams are back at work with most saying they spent their downtime somewhere warm, at the Winter Olympics

After throwing in the towel earlier this week the Canadian Olympic Committee says they need more Government support. More money for a group that claims they are inefficient and quit when there is the slightest trouble who do they think they are auto workers?

Female bob sledders have a similar area to the figure skaters “kiss and cry” only it’s called the “lift and pry”

American skier Lindsey Vonn broke her finger during a race and now has nothing to wrap all the male admirers around

Canadian Olympic gold medal winners say they will donate their bonuses to the needy which caused the CFL Players Association to say “thanks”

Health care given to the athletes and officials from the Olympics is really busy with officials saying the longest line-ups are for MRI’s, dental work and medical marijuana

Since almost all our medals are from the woman athletes’ maybe we should have called it “Own the Estrogen”

With the collapse of their financial system Greece is demanding the return of the Olympic flame saying they can’t get a decent riot started

World weather agencies are meeting to discuss the scandals with reporting of data. Among the items up for discussion creating accurate data, more open scrutiny and adding Olympic style costumes to their spins and twists

While nursing a bad chest cold Canadian skip Cheryl Bernard said rumours she had posed nude were a fabrication adding the only ones to see her nude were her husband and Dr. This was met with an avalanche of offers to help diagnose her cold.

Canadian women’s alternate curler Kristie Moore was called upon to take a shot this week prompting her to say it was good practice for her upcoming delivery with everyone yelling hurry... hurry...

Column 10

2010-02-25T11:42:00.000-08:00

Doctors in the US are demanding a recall of all hot dogs saying they pose a choking hazard and in a related topic Olympic hotdoggers are being checked for chocking during medal runs.

Over 50% of food vendors have been cited for violations at the Olympic Games which explains why even when curling isn’t on tap people can be heard yelling “Hurry... Hurry... Hard...”

Instead of going for gold many spectators seem to be going for... ever!

After seeing the ratings numbers for Tiger Woods apology the Canadian Olympic Officials are setting world records beating competitors to the “I’m sorry” microphone.

David Letterman and former President Bill Clinton were expected to be in attendance for some Olympic curling then they found out it was a different kind of in turn

Japan is blaming their poor performance in the bobsleigh on a sled made by Toyota before they began to go wildly out of control

Greece has broken out in riots over austerity measures caused by a massive budget deficit. Out of concern for public safety Greek officials are asking Canada to keep the Olympic flame for a while until they get the rioters under control.

Anyone who has tried to get around Vancouver without a map can sympathise with the coach of the Netherlands sending his athlete on the wrong lane

Parents at the Canada-Germany hockey game were telling their children the noise is Lou... not boo... and then the politicians came in and spoiled it...

Athletes and Olympic officials from all over the world are taking advantage of the free medical and dental available to them. This has created a new rallying call for the British athletes... “Brace yourself”

Column 9

2010-02-25T11:41:00.000-08:00

Ski cross is a combination of skiing and the Red Cross coming to your rescue.

How good were the events I watched? I was having a hard time distinguishing the Swiss athletes from the medics.

I picking the US for speed in the broken leg repair, the Israelis get top marks for diagnosis and the Transylvanians gold in forensics...

Top 5 slogans for the 2014 Winter Olympic team
# 5 Podium Schmodium
# 4 After You...
# 3 Fighting for 4th or 5th
# 2 Own the Oxygen
# 1 Cheered by Canadians no matter the result

Column 8

2010-02-25T11:40:00.000-08:00

Top 5 signs the figure skater is out of shape
# 5 Adds chocolate ice cream to his Gatorade
# 4 His tight size is XXXL
# 3 Stops before each jump to catch his breath
# 2 Took out a competitor with a sequin while doing up his jumpsuit
# 1 Names all his signature moves after donuts

Police at the Vancouver Games are being reminded the motto “To Serve and Protect” is not just for beer

In what has to be a 1st Virtue is in a position to be a medalist at the Games

Each Olympic sport has a key catch phrase. Hockey has goal, bobsleigh has run and ski cross has medic!

An apology to Tiger Woods

2010-02-19T13:28:00.001-08:00

My official acceptance of Tiger Woods apology,

First, thank you for not coming.

I too wanted no one questioning this apology and so I only invited close personal friends that would remain silent which is why no one attended.

I accept your apology to those close to you. My wives and children were nice people as well and I wish everyone would respect their privacy and not divulge where I am living. They too are innocent and I may owe alimony or support...

To my friends, family and sponsors, AA and others, I apologize for my jokes, shots and snide remarks and of course to you Tiger for being the butt of so many. As a male who has left my sexual health in the hands of professionals, I should have been more understanding.

I accept your apology for interrupting the PGA Event with your apology because I know it is important to return to sex therapy as quickly as possible. Most of the sex workers I know charge by the hour as well.

I accept your journey ahead will be long and hard and not just from the testimony of your numerous mistresses.

Until I lost my money, looks and hope I also succumbed to temptation though I have to admit your variety was world class. The ladies themselves may not have displayed any class but their size, looks and occupations showed your penchant for variety.

I accept your need for privacy in this difficult time. When I am with my sex worker the last thing I need is someone tapping on the windshield asking questions.

I accept your return to Buddhism and hope your flirtation with Bootyism was a brief hiccup in your spiritual growth.

I accept your apology and understand the pain and suffering you have inflicted on your mother. My mom has passed away but I know she wouldn’t have been caught dead sitting in the front row listening to me.

I accept your need to be away from your profession as you continue your journey of recovery. I too will no longer go to work but that is more of a result of the conditions of my mental disability. We may not have the same income and I find that really sad as it affects the quality and menu options I have at my disposal.

In closing I would like to again accept your apology Tiger and hope you will accept the apology I am offering regarding the jokes. If by some miracle I should be blessed enough to see you teeing off on the tour I will do my utmost to refrain from shouting “In the Hole!”

Bet he won't man

2010-02-19T13:27:00.001-08:00

Mixed martial arts fans are giving Ontario Premier Dalton Mcguinty a hard time for not allowing the sport in the Province. Mcguinty says if fans want to see dirty, bare-knuckle bloodbaths they should watch question period

San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecomb signed a 2 year $23 million contract and said he hasn’t been so high since... well Tuesday

Tiger Woods says he will return to Buddhism after his failed attempt at Bootyism

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman has hotly denied rumors he was recently in Winnipeg discussing the re-location of the Atlanta Thrashers saying he had never been to Saskatchewan other than on a bet.

Top 5 adjustments for recently traded NBA players
# 5 Getting used to groupies from a new conference
# 4 Your posse has to find a new ammo supplier
# 3 Disappointing new fans with your off court behaviour takes time
# 2 Removing and applying new tattoo’s very painful
# 1 Coming up with a new rap that rhymes with Minnesota Timberwolves

Olympic Yuks Column 7

2010-02-19T10:36:00.000-08:00

The suits wore by the speed skaters have fabric that is dimpled like a golf ball to improve wind resistance which means with my thighs I should be able to set world records

The high performance clothing aspect of men’s figure skating is evident as most of the contestants have tested their lace and sequins in a wind tunnel

I was watching a commercial for McDonalds and wonder if the athletes use a food tasting double for the close ups of them eating McGarbage

In a nod to the Olympics Tiger Woods decided to have his press conference during the Games to talk about his broad jumping

Gary Bettman is doubtful the NHL will support Olympic hockey in the future citing business reasons so now we all know it’s a small world after all

Scientists are again defending the hockey stick graph indicating there is an increase of global warming pointing to the meltdown of both Canada and Russia in Olympic men’s hockey

Olympic Yuks Column 6

2010-02-19T10:33:00.000-08:00

Vanoc says this Olympics will leave no footprint which is not surprising since no one is allowed on the mountains to see the events

The Official Languages Commission will look into the gold medal ceremony yesterday when it was reported Canadian Maelle Ricker while on the podium mouthed O Canada in English only

As a way of keeping current Olympic officials are considering altering the Nordic combined to include skiing and tazering

With dangerous course conditions Canadian Georgia Simmerling was pulled from the start of the women’s downhill yesterday although the rest of the team was deemed expendable

Alberta House is a big hit at the Vancouver Games but only after scientist from the University of Calgary developed a carbon neutral flatulence free beef burger

I don’t know why they call the snowboard event half-pipe because I’m pretty sure I would need a full one to attempt it

It is a toss-up as to what is smoother... the curling ice or the skin on Team Switzerland both men and women... whereas mine looks more like a moguls event

Olympic Yuks day 5

2010-02-17T09:17:00.002-08:00

I know Vanoc is having problems with the Olympia ice resurfacing machine which is touted as the most environmentally friendly one on earth, but I was surprised when David Suzuki demanded they switch to a Zamboni from Calgary which is powered by the Alberta oil sands.

The GF and I dropped the gloves to see if we watched figure skating or men’s hockey on Tuesday and it wasn’t even close but I’m pretty sure she didn’t tie down her sweater

Top 5 reasons David Letterman is slamming Canada’s Olympic Winter Games
# 5 Still mad Canadian Paul Shaeffer is the known as the talented one
# 4 The gap in his teeth froze over
# 3 Dick Assman from Regina won’t return his calls
# 2 He is getting beat in the ratings by Lloyd Robertson
# 1 His Canadian intern gave him the cold shoulder

In an effort to stop Canadian commentators from saying they are wearing clown pants the Norway men’s curling team is going to quit coming to games in one car

The tabloid media is having a field day criticizing the Vancouver Games. The death of an athlete, the weather, the security and lack of reasonably priced hookers head the grievances. Instead of refusing admittance to spectators in areas where the ground is flooded why not let the reporters take it? They would feel at home wallowing in the mud.

Is the politically correct term for the gay and lesbian centre at the Olympics the bi-athlete range?

From Steele Duncan
There was a major update in men’s curling today when for one brief moment the crowd was excited.

Olympic Yuks day 4

2010-02-17T09:17:00.001-08:00

CTV kept mentioning the downhill skiers from Canada were taught by their grandfathers but maybe they should have ditched the wooden skis.

Canadian athletes say they feel like Superman in their new skin tight suits and they are helpful to Canadians as they can tell if the lucky loonie the athletes are carrying is head or tails.

The Swiss had a great day winning gold in the men’s downhill and cross country. Officials with the team credit their training, dedication and the pounds of Swiss chocolate they delivered to their competitors on Valentine’s Day.

Official Languages Commissioner Graham Frazer has blasted the lack of French content in the opening ceremony saying at no time was he able to buy poutine from the concession stands.

It has been reported Celine Dion was asked to participate but declined causing all Canadians to go “Merci”.

Not sure what is more exciting in Snowboard Cross the helmet cam or the hospital cam

The Royal Bank of Canada is a sponsor of Canadian snowboarders because nothing says radical and gnarly better than bankers.

The German pair’s figure skaters were a highlight for me as I have never seen what a gay Gladiator looked like.

From Steele Duncan

Curler Kevin Martin when asked to comment on the upcoming round robin said it shouldn’t be too hard and while he wished time would hurry it almost would be better to skip to the end and just rock out. It was later found that he was stoned.

Vincent Jay of France won gold in the biathlon, he has since been promoted to a colonel.

The German skeleton team have denied accusations of trying to use magnets to help their time. Investigates are unconvinced it was simply their “magnetic personalities.”

From Eva Pettinato
New Olympic slogan Higher Faster Stronger Weather Permitting
Trouble brewed again when Vanoc fashion police attacked Norway’s men’s curling teams pants with pinking shears. Police thought of using tear gas but the pants themselves made your eyes water

Olympic Yuks day 3

2010-02-15T17:12:00.000-08:00

Top 5 Canadian reactions to winning a Gold medal
#5 What are moguls?
#4 I hope the other competitors don’t feel too bad
#3 I wonder if he knows Serge and Danielle from Montreal?
#2 Is he married?
#1 I hope he doesn’t let it go to his head

All 3 Team Canada goalies lost their last games before the Olympics or as scriptwriters call it foreshadowing.

Both Roberto Luongo and Martin Brodeur were pulled from their last games or as they called it getting a head start on the partying.

In order to capture some of the glory Canada Post is releasing a limited edition stamp to honour our 1st Gold medal on home soil. The stamp is a simple design and will take 32 years to deliver.

From Steele Duncan
Canada got it's first Gold metal hosting the Olympics today. The coaches are planning to improve the training regimes and will get another gold in just under 32 years this time.

Upon further review, officials have decided the Snowboard Cross event will not be scored on timing but rather how many bones you broke coming out of retirement for it.

In Pairs Skating Canada's Jessica Dubé and Bryce Davison are still going strong after Davidson's skate slashed Dubé's face and this year hope to go home with the gold metal or at least fifty more stitches.

From Patrick Lynch
France and Germany are currently neck and neck for 2nd place in the medal standings; Germany is expected to take a strong lead in the coming days, despite the IOC frowning on using Tanks and Dive Bombers in the cross country events.

Germany's Felix Loch has been touted as the "Michael Phelps of the Luge", which has led to frequent visits by the Jamaican team to his residence.

Canada's Alexandre Bilodeau has become the first Canadian Olympian to win a gold medal on home soil, VANOC officials were quoted on Sunday in a statement which simply read: "Phew"

An exciting day of Figure skating in the pairs short program took place on Sunday, Canadian Olympic fans cheered and urged the competitors on, until someone noticed there was no puck.

Ireland's Winter Olympic contingent consists of the two Sisters Tamsen and Kirsty McGarry, looks like they managed to find the only two frigid girls in Ireland, and found a way to get them the feck out of the country.

Olympic Yuks day 2

2010-02-15T17:11:00.000-08:00

Instead of Own the Podium maybe the slogan should have been groan... the podium...we have to stand at the podium while some other country gets to hear their anthem... groan...

Canadian announcers are having a rough start... they have the look you get when someone catches you peeing... everything was going so good...

The politically correct commercials are gold media productions depicting the diversity of our great land by spotlighting losing athletes from the many cultures and regions that make up Canada...

The lack of Gold medals on Day 1 affects us all. I sure hope Lloyd Robertson doesn’t have to stay up past 10:00 PM EST again...

Now that the hype has passed can we admit it? No matter how careful we Canadians were... the chant would come across on YouTube if Jennifer won the gold in moguls as Heil... Heil... Heil... that... coupled with the tar sands... would label us as Nazi fossils...

Most women agree Italy won the gold for the Olympic ceremony... mostly because they worship Gucci...

The crowd for the moguls was forced to wait for hours in the freezing rain to attend a 4 hour event standing in hurricane force winds without any refreshment... it wasn’t so much a crowd as paying hostages

After masked protesters broke windows in the downtown officials quickly promised to stop serving Canadian beer to the Olympic Family and go with the weaker American brands...

The media focused on the lack of training for athletes at the luge run which gave Canadians a home field advantage and with consistent top 20 finishes we should feel a bit ashamed...

Vancouver has been rocked with news Starbucks will protest the Alberta oil sands during the Olympics by refusing to use fuel from the sands in the grinding of their coffee beans.

Hawaii is considering making a bid for the Winter Olympics saying that until the Vancouver Games they thought you had to have snow to enter

Top 5 highlights of the Vancouver Olympics
# 5 Rain sometimes turned into freezing rain
# 4 Coconuts take forever to ripen
# 3 Residents starting a new trend with their down filled shorts
# 2 Protesters find the rain washes away tear gas quickly
# 1 The 1st time ever a winter Olympics is forced to endure a rain delay

The Olympic broadcast team has left no stone unturned in their search for stories about the athletes. Yesterday saw Brian Williams discuss the finer points of bed work with

Vancouver Olympic officials are kicking themselves after finding out the natives at the opening ceremony were doing a rain dance.

Olympic Yuks day 1

2010-02-15T17:10:00.000-08:00

Men’s Olympic ski jumping kicked off the Games today with competitors hoping to jump a distance greater than the hurdles the women’s team failed to overcome

The heating system in the Olympic Village is partly heated from sewage waste which gives new meaning to having a warm place to take a load off.

The system was not operating at full capacity until the politicians and Olympic family showed up. Now there is more BS that they can process.

Bill Clinton is recovering from heart surgery with his aides saying he never should have been allowed to look at the Sports Illustrated Olympic issue as there was too much spandex.

The VIP box was suspiciously empty at the start of the Opening Ceremonies with officials blaming their absence on, missed connections, travel fatigue and the time it takes to acclimatize to BC Bud.

The empty seats were later attributed to native leaders arriving late which caused every Canadian who has ever attended a Pow Wow to smile knowingly.

The Algerian team came into the ceremony with 1 athlete and 4 officials or as rappers called it an acceptable entourage.

It’s easy to spot the countries that are run by a dictatorship they’re the ones that start with “The Democratic Republic of...”

It must have been a cultural thing but I was confused by the 1 finger salute the Mongolian female skier gave Vancouver PETA representatives as she walked by wearing her fur hat.

If the IOC had tested the native dancers for banned stimulants they probably wouldn’t have made it through the whole ceremony

Wonder if there was more fiddling going on during the opening ceremonies or at the after party

Even now I dream of being a part of the Olympic opening ceremony but all I can aspire to be is the boring old white guy that thanks the sponsors...

In fairness to all the other performers maybe the IOC should have tested KD Lang for female hormones

Standing in reverence to hear the Olympic Hymn was OK but I thought asking the audience to join in the singing of God Save Jacques Rogge was a bit much

The Olympic Ceremony is the ultimate chick flick with the songs, the fashion and at the end the women go to sleep carrying a torch for someone

After all the hype the lighting of the Olympic Torch was botched because someone from the hydraulics team made a Timmies run at the wrong time

It was good to see the homeless of Vancouver included in the ceremony when Gretzky gave the guy a light for his cigarette from the torch

Top 5 signs it is Valentine’s Day at the Olympics
# 5 Chocolate is the performance enhancing drug of choice
# 4 Cupid take a spin around the biathlon track
# 3 Female athletes try on their wind resistant lingerie
# 2 Diamond industry unveils its new slogan “If you want her to believe try 5 diamond rings”
#1 Athletes send cards to gold medals saying please be mine

2010-02-11T18:23:00.000-08:00

Interesting choice of coach for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers as they replace a crook with LaPolice

England has removed the captaincy from John Terry after revelations he scored an own goal on his teammates girlfriend. This has disrupted the whole WAG (Wives and girlfriend) community in England causing the price of Hermes bags to soar.

I’m curious who fakes more… English soccer player diving on the pitch or the WAGS in their battleground feigning climax

Top 5 rejected Superbowl commercials
# 5 FEMA planning for the past working for tomorrow
# 4 Madame Jacquie’s French Quarter Super Special
# 3 The NBC tie in to Jay Leno at 10:00
# 2 A day in the life of the Budweiser Clydesdale stable boy
# 1 Indianapolis Chamber of Commerce: We’re not as bad off as New Orleans but we could use the tourists as well

During training runs for the Olympic Downhill officials spotted both a bear and a lynx. More concerting however was the number of cougars hanging around the men’s hockey teams.

Jeff Pain of the Canadian Luge team has made allegations the European teams are using magnets to increase the speed of their sleds the only time the words magnetic has been applied to the sport or athletes.

Top 5 signs you may not win an Olympic Winter medal
# 5 Eddie the Eagle calls you a longshot
# 4 You accidentally ate a McDonalds meal before your event
# 3 The cheque you sent to the figure skating judges bounced
# 2 Your countries icemaker doubles as a bartender
# 1 At the start of your 2 man luge run there is a fight to see who goes on top

Olympic Officials were scrambling to save the snow from melting last week with an urgent call for BC residents to donate any spare bales of “hay” they may have from their home grow ops.

NBA officials are proposing a salary cut to players causing a panic in the tattoo, stripper and small arms industries.

It appears the warnings about random drug testing is being heard at the Olympics with BC officials saying it is the 1st time in memory no one from the Province has tested positive.

Fat Ass Jean Therapy

2010-02-07T23:31:00.000-08:00

Researchers have discovered a gene that causes people to become morbidly obese and it is called the Levi 5001 wide ass stretch waist gene. The gene was very hard to identify as it was constantly being mistaken for Sara Lee Cheesecakes.

Parents were relieved saying they could now put their children into programs more suited to their genetic makeup like offensive lineman, Opera singers and Sumo wrestling

All was not lost for Hollywood producer Oren Koules after he was forced to sell the Tampa Bay Lightening saying his experience has created a better horror script than any of his Saw movies.

It’s funny he never Saw this horror movie coming…

Interesting choice of coach for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers as they replace a crook with LaPolice

England has removed the captaincy from John Terry after revelations he scored an own goal on his teammates girlfriend. This has disrupted the whole WAG (Wives and Girlfriend) community in England causing the price of Hermes bags to soar.

I’m curious who fakes more… English soccer player diving on the pitch or the WAGS feigning climax

Top 5 rejected Superbowl commercials
# 5 FEMA planning for the past working for tomorrow
# 4 Madame Jacquie’s French Quarter Special
# 3 The NBC tie in to Jay Leno at 10:00
# 2 A day in the life of the Budweiser Clydesdale stable boy
# 1 Indianapolis were not as bad as New Orleans but we could use the tourists too

What Dat?

2010-02-03T13:09:00.000-08:00

The NFL is slapping New Orleans companies with cease and desist orders over copy write infringement of theT-shirts with the saying “Who Dat”. In a related item the Calgary Flames are considering the same lawsuit over the clothing, videos, blogs... etc... with the words LOL, OMG and WTF... as they are now property of the Flames Phan Attics... a wholly owned subsidiary of WTFIGOAH?

PGA golfer John Daly says he is tired of embarrassing himself and wants to quit golf... which threw the PGA into a tailspin as he was the only player anyone wants to watch.

Daly has a history of retiring and un-retiring... it’s part of who he is... Daly the ultimate advertisement for a Harley-Davidson... when it was brilliant... everything moving with precision and speed... the throttle gaining torque... Beeeeeeeeeeeeer... I hated it when the ride ended...the violent and yet remarkably vivid memory of the law of averages... and of bonus the brutalization that followed the inevitable... something fails... he hit the wall... face first... in public... while mooning Youtube... he retires... places himself in a sobering environment... sobers up...gets some perspective on his worth both fiscally and spiritually... start calculating all of the Visa and MasterCard bills... the new dependents and cherished obligations... notice lack of food in the fridge... no recently laundered clothing... and reach a point where you go... the man with the gun to your head is right... I’ll pay back the creditors and start a life anew... so you announce a new swing... or swing coach and hit the Tour... what guy doesn’t envy that?

I have a sneaking suspicion this wasn’t the Maple Leaf Dion Phaneuf wanted to put on this year. In hindsight the trade is great as Dion can now separate himself from the chaos of Calgary.

Can we just admit Phaneuf was traded for a salary dump... during a dump? I think it’s more than coincidence that the new Nachos at the Saddledome suddenly went on the Heart Smart menu

I think the trade was brokered by CBC... having Dion in Toronto gave Don Cherry both a reason to live and a bit of an orgasm

The trade was better for Don’s hockey Cherry than a bottle of Viagra and a six pack of Blue

The trade was expected as Calgary had to part with some talent to comply with Canadian equalization payments to have not teams

Quebec was livid with Calgary when they traded away their best player to Toronto saying as a Quebec have not Province they were entitled to 1st dibs... and besides the last one you gave the Montreal Canadians... Michael Camalari... broke...

Is it even possible that at the NHL GM Meetings last year Daryl Sutter was caught on video urinating in someone’s drink? That is about the only way I can explain it... that makes any sense at least...

If that was the case we know Toronto and NY Rangers GM”s each had a cell cam...

Fans going to the Super Bowl will not be allowed to bring in umbrellas which could be a problem as everyone knows in Miami... it’s raining men...

The ban on products is extensive. A security spokesman for the event says they have to be 100% whereas a terrorist only has to be lucky once... and the Saints need a miracle...

Fans going to the Super Bowl will not be allowed to bring in umbrellas which could be a problem as everyone knows in Miami it’s raining men.

Fans are questioning The Who as choice for the Super Bowl halftime band. Daryl Sutter the GM for the Flames approved saying every now and then you have to go with a youth movement...

Oscars gave a nod to The Hurt Locker for best dramatic picture this week... but then Flames GM Daryl Sutter says he isn’t finished with his room yet...

Athletes headed to the Olympic Games are getting shots, surgical masks, sanitizers and supplements and that is just for a stroll down Robson St.

Unconfirmed reports say Tiger Woods will be released from sex therapy soon. Officials with the recovery center were quoted as saying sometimes all they need is a quickie

A report says the NY Islanders will hold their training camp in China next year. The venue is being debated by NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman as one of the proposed sites Qiqihar translates in English to Hamilton

A rare agreement on Groundhog Day in Alberta when both Edmonton and Calgary reported their critters saw identical shadows which foretells 6 more weeks of crappy hockey

I’ve spent some time on a farm so I was surprised at how green the “hay” bales were that Vancouver placed under their artificial snow for this time of year... The insight came to me during training runs as none of the snowboarders managed to find the finish line

Top 5 signs you are at a bad Super Bowl Party
# 5 During commercial breaks your host show videos of the family trip to Detroit
# 4 The souvenir New Orleans Saints Voo Doo Dolls looks suspiciously like you
# 3 All the other guys at the party keep pointing to you and asking your GF "Who Dat?"
# 2 Host constantly telling everyone about that crazy time he went to a Who concert in 1971
# 1 The surprise Halftime Show: Time Shares vs. Amway

Shuffling the engines on the Titanic...

2010-02-02T13:43:00.000-08:00

The NFL has slapped New Orleans companies with cease and desist orders after they created T-shirts with the saying “Who Dat”. In a related item the Calgary Flames are trying to stop vendors from selling T-shirts commemorating their recent trades with the Leafs and Rangers. The Flames contend LOL, OMG and WTF are trademarked

PGA golfer John Daly says he is tired of embarrassing himself and wants to quit golf... which threw the PGA into a tailspin as he was the last player anyone wants to watch.

Daly has a history of retiring and un-retiring so chequered even Brett Favre and Cher are going come on make up your mind.

I have a sneaking suspicion this wasn’t the Maple Leaf Dion Phaneuf wanted to put on this year. In hindsight the trade is great as Dion can now separate himself from the chaos of Calgary.

Can we just admit Phaneuf was traded for a salary dump during a dump?

I think the trade was brokered by CBC... having Dion in Toronto gave Don Cherry both a reason to live and a bit of an orgasm

The trade was better for Don’s hockey cherry than a bottle of Viagra and a six pack of Blue

The trade was expected as Calgary had to part with some talent to Toronto to comply with Canadian equalization payments to have not teams

Quebec was livid with Calgary when they traded away their best player to Toronto saying as not only a have not Province but a don't give a shit Province.. they were entitled to 1st dibs

Is it even possible that at the NHL GM Meetings last year Daryl Sutter was caught on video urinating in someones drink? That is about the only way I can explain it... that makes any sense at least...

Fans going to the Super Bowl will not be allowed to bring in umbrellas which could be a problem as everyone knows in Miami it’s raining men.

The ban on products is extensive. A security spokesman for the event says they have to be 100% whereas a terrorist only has to be lucky once... and the Saints need a miracle...

A Long Shot

2010-01-28T21:17:00.001-08:00

Daryl Katz the owner of the Edmonton Oilers has donated $500,000 to the Art Gallery of Canada He says he really hoped this time he would help in creating a masterpiece.

Bad day for the NBA with Gilbert Arenas getting suspended for bringing a gun to work and Greg Oden for unleashing his on the internet.

Oden was remorseful for taking the pictures but happy they showed a corresponding proportion

If PM Harper was really serious about making Canadians happy he would prorogue the NHL season for Toronto, Calgary and Edmonton

A debate is raging in light of Tiger Woods transgressions as to whether sex addiction is an actual medical condition and if it is should it be treated by nurses?

A new theme park at Universal Studio’s is based on the Harry Potter novels but to keep some of the souvenirs current they are asking for permission to use a copy of Tiger Woods magic wand.

A report says Canadians are dissatisfied with politics and also they love hockey, beer and breathing air.

Apple unveiled a new electronic device called the iPad which is not to be confused with NBA players pick up line to go back to my pad

Players with the Toronto Maple Leafs are asking to be traded prompting coach Ron Wilson to tell them to just keep playing like the band on the Titanic

Jacques Rogge, president of the International Olympic Committee, is urging the NHL to commit its players to take part in the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. He wants the Olympics to feature the best of all Winter sports and if the NHL millionaires don’t show up it may affect the quality of hookers available to the Committee.

Mike Danton scored in his 1st game with the St. Mary’s Huskies with his coach calling it a break out performance.

Fans are questioning the bonus that millionaire NHL players could receive if they win a medal at the Olympics. Most people surveyed said the money should go to athletes near the poverty line like those in luge, biathlon and CFL players.

While trying on his jacket as part of the Olympic bob sleigh team Jesse Lumsden grimaced but later said it was just a tweak

How bad is it when Andre Dawson begged to be inducted in the Baseball Hall of Fame as a Cub instead of an Expo because he didn’t want to be known as a loser?

Rough Therapy

2010-01-21T14:50:00.001-08:00

Top 5 signs your star athlete needs sex therapy
# 5 Plays nine holes before he hits the course
# 4 He spend his days off working out with the LFL and he plays baseball
# 3 Has to hire a PI to find his kids for a family reunion
# 2 He gives hook up advice to Wilt Chamberlain
# 1 He is always praying for rain so he can head out and make it rain

Whistler Mountain will go up for auction during the Olympic Games. The title of the auction will be Higher, Faster, Poorer

Brendan Taman has been named the new GM for the Saskatchewan Roughriders with team officials saying they like his experience, recruiting ability and the fact he has no kids at home needing a babysitter.

People are upset that Mike Danton a convicted criminal is allowed to attend St. Mary’s University. A spokesman for the University says they have to allow criminals into the school or they would not fill all the spaces available for new Lawyers.

Coach Rex Ryan of the NY Jets is convinced his team will win on Sunday to which the Indianapolis Colts say “fat chance”.

The Olympic Torch arrived in Calgary just ahead of the Calgary Flames who were still trying to recover from their scorching at the hands of the San Jose Sharks. Team officials refused to allow players to run with the Torch as they were concerned the hand off would be intercepted and returned to Greece.

Vancouver is praying for snow to allow them to host a successful Olympics the 1st time they have prayed for white stuff not sold on street corners.

The NHL is saying they need more time to make substantial rule changes regarding head shots and say they will move forward once Gary Bettman recovers from the concussion he received banging his head against the wall trying to sell the Phoenix Coyotes.

Alberta has reversed their decision to close Hospital beds citing an increase in patients, surgeries and players on the Oilers injured reserve list.

A supplier is offering knife proof vests in your team colours for the upcoming World Cup in South Africa. FIFA officials are incensed saying they should be available for executives and officials 1st. British fans say they will not wear them and just rely on their Guinness Guts.

Tom Brady says he won’t attend the Pro Bowl and after all other QB’s were considered it turns out Rex Grossman will come out of retirement to lead the team.