Oscar Rated

This year the Oscars had the worst TV ratings ever. Sources close to the show blame it on the new name “Oscar Night in Canada”.

This is the new age of accountability in the NHL with the best trade being $7.8 million over two years for $3.4 million, $2.2 million and a bonus to be named later.

Top 3 Signs your NHL Deadline Trade may be a bust...

# 3 John Ferguson Jr. and Mike Milbury give it a thumbs up

# 2 Other GM’s put you on their Fave 5 for next year

# 1 You refer to the prospect you got as having Darcy Tucker like potential

The Ottawa Senators have fired head coach John Paddock and replaced him with former coach and GM Bryan Murray raising speculation Paddock could soon be hired to help the Toronto Maple Leafs land a lottery pick.

I’m trying to decide what question I would ask on TV’s Moment of Truth.

Roger Clemens did you take steroids?

Brett Hull was your foot in the crease?

Marv Albert what does a thong feel like?

After scoring 15 goals on 20 shots to win a million dollars Darwin Head now has more goals than all but 2 Maple Leafs and costs $31 million less.

Pressure isn’t scoring 15 goals in 24 seconds or being in front of 18,000 fans it’s having your wife and mother-in law standing beside you and trying to explain later if you don’t.

My only thought when I heard ex-NHL player Len Barrie was part of the group interested in buying the Tampa Bay Lightening was what position would his son play?

After failing to make any progress at the draft the Toronto Maple Leafs are now looking at Plan B, hiring Mike Holmes to do a complete renovation.

Inexpert Analysis

In keeping with the spirit of hiring Mike Millbury and John Ferguson Jr. to be analysts for the NHL trade deadline, TSN has said they will beef up their Olympic coverage by adding members of the Jamaican Bobsled team and Eddie the Eagle Edwards.

This just in TSN has traded John Ferguson Jr. and Mike Millbury to ESPN for a viewer to be named later.

Mats Sundin says he wasn’t comfortable being a rental player to which rental GM Cliff Fletcher replied “You don’t really miss having a soul”.

Roger Clemens has bounced back from his lip licking testimony by signing a new 2-year deal with Chapstick.

The Tampa Bay Devils are auditioning “grossly overweight men” to be a part of a new between innings dance troupe so I guess it’s one more Spring Training for David Wells.

New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush has ducked a deposition hearing into his alleged taking of money at USC which is his best open field run of the year.

A New York diamond dealer is suing another dealer for interfering with a sale he was to have made to Roger Clemens. The dealer says his competitor lied about the quality of the diamond he was to have sold and not only that pumped up his prices through artificial means.

The Toronto Maple Leafs have dealt Wade Belak for a 5th round pick thus ending the draft crisis.

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman testified in a Congressional Committee the NHL is steroid free and for proof showed them their lousy TV ratings.

Despite dropping millions over the years former MLB slugger Cecil Fielder says he doesn’t have a gambling problem he has a losing problem.

The Federal Government says it will give $25 million towards the Olympic torch run reminding everyone how good they are at burning taxpayer money.

Huston Rockets forward Yao Ming has been lost for the year as a result of a stress fracture from carrying the weight of China’s Olympic hopes for more than 4 years.

The Minnesota Wild traded for Chris Simon just before trading was suspended and before he begins another one.

The PGA has refined the final cut process making it possible for more players to lose to Tiger on Sunday.

FIFA has threatened to suspend Spain from World Cup Soccer play because of racial intolerance. Spain has retaliated saying they will take their fans and join NASCAR where they will be appreciated.

Norway has opened the largest Seed Storage Bank in the World with samples of fertile seeds from Europe, Africa and Travis Henry.

The world of sports was widely represented at the Oscars with No Country for Old Men the story of the Toronto Maple Leafs, There will be Blood a UFC love story and Juno based on an NBA road trip.

The Tampa Bay Devils say they have some interest in signing Barry Bonds signalling their intention to gas the season.

Hits the G Spot

Scientists have discovered the G spot on a woman. According to experts it varies in each woman with wives of Edmonton Oilers players finding it just after they call in the movers.

NHL goaltenders are asking to be allowed to advertise on their jerseys. Word is Martin Brodeur has lined up a deal with Sub Zero, Roberto Luongo is in discussions with Shutout Security and Vessa Toskula has had talks with Target.

A Saudi Prince has paid $14 million to secure the license plate # 1 which beat out the Toronto Maple Leafs offer of $10 million and 2 first round draft picks.

The only NHL GM to get burned at the meeting in Florida was Kevin Lowe who forgot his sun block.

In an effort to keep up with pro sports 7-11 is considering a no-trade policy on its Slurpies.

CFL free agency has begun with the players association still fuming the players have to play for free.

The Edmonton Rush of the NLL fired their entire coaching staff after a winless start leading to speculation someone may notice.

The KO Corral

Despite chronic shortage in staff the Calgary Police were singing the national anthem during the Flames game on Saturday while victims of crime were singing the blues.

My respect for Roger Clemens has spiralled when I heard reports he was able to get his wife to take a shot of growth hormone in the stomach to make her more attractive. Most guys can’t needle their wives at all about their looks. Roger can get his wife to take a shot in the stomach and I can’t get my girlfriend to take a chill pill.

Had a tough time explaining to the girlfriend how I could go through the same amount of beer to watch 3 games on Hockey Day as I did for the Super Bowl.

A report says there are 30% less kids in organized sports than a decade ago and yet the amount of times parents have to get up before 5:00 AM on a Saturday to get them to a game has risen. The report painted a dire picture for some sports saying if the trend continues there wouldn’t be enough minor league players to fill the Leafs.

After the terrible neck injury to Richard Zednick NHL officials are looking a requiring players to either put on a neck guard or at least wear one of Don Cherry’s shirts.

Montreal Canadians defenseman Ryan O'Byrne was charged with stealing a woman’s purse at a Tampa Nightclub. In his defence O’Byrne thought it was left behind by Toronto Maple Leafs forward Jiri Tlusty. Most disturbing was that the purse didn’t even match his shoes.

Andy Pettitte, Kirk Radomski and Chris Knoblach have been excused from testifying at the Congressional Committee on drug use in baseball. A spokesman for the Committee says with Roger Clemens his trainer Brian McNamee they have enough rings to fill the circus.

Shaquille O'Neal says his first workout with the Phoenix Suns left him winded and next practice he hopes to get his running shoes on without help.

A report recently released shows NHL players are on average older than in past years which explains the run on bi-focal visors.

Canadian Davis Cup tennis teams remained undefeated in games played at the Calgary Corral or as they call it the KO Corral.

In an effort to turn attention from the upcoming Ultimate Fight card in Montreal the NHL is looking to schedule another Battle of Alberta opposite it.

Danica Patrick is one of the swimsuit models for the upcoming Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition which brings a whole new meaning to driving with the top down.

Roger Clemens was obviously having trouble with his facts during his testimony because everyone knows he dated Miss Remember after Miss October.

Top 5 Unanswered Questions from the Congressional Steroid Inquiry...

# 5 Was the Nanny Hot?

# 4 When Roger said he had to run home from school was it uphill both ways and was he barefoot?

# 3 Was OJ involved?

# 2 Will HGH get my wife into the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition?

And the # 1 unanswered question...

When will Judge Judy issue her ruling?

Cock of the Walk

You have to give LA Laker Kobe Bryant credit for effort. Despite dislocating his finger and scoring only 6 points he still managed to get off more shots than his teammates.

Rick Tocchet is going to be back coaching for the Phoenix Coyotes this week. Rick says it is not about the money although he is hoping to cover his losses from the Super Bowl. Asked how he thought his team will do with him back behind the bench, Tocchet says in his book they are 4-1 to make the playoffs.

Not sure who lost the most last week, people caught in the sub-prime mortgage scandal, people holding sinking stocks or Fat Benny who took the Patriots minus the pints.

Los Vegas bookies lost more than $2.5 million on the Super Bowl with the biggest loss being the over-under on total commercials.

Michael Vick will get to keep $15.5 million in bonuses because the judge said the contract did not specifically rule out Vick playing other sports.

The Edmonton Oilers are reeling from a rash of injuries to top players but on the bright side new owner Daryl Katz can get a good discount on painkillers and anaesthetic.

New England Patriots defensive back Willie Andrews was caught with a half pound of marijuana and without means to smoke the drug. Andrews said in his defence he didn’t bring any papers because he thought he was going to have a Super Bowl. Players were shocked after hearing of his arrest saying if they had lost the game they would have used crack.

A CBC documentary says wrestler Chris Benoit had the brain of an 85 year old man at the time of his death. This is about 81 years older than most wrestler act.

The Calgary Flames have signed defenseman Dion Phaneuf to a contract extension. Terms of the deal were held up to determine the length, amount and who would pay for his broken sticks. With $44 million in salary cap on the books for 14 players next year Calgary is considering icing a 16 man team.

The trade between the Phoenix Suns and Miami Heat for Shaquille O’Neil was finalized after Phoenix agreed to pay the balance of O’Neil’s salary and Miami would pick up his cable bill.

Pizza Pizza has added to its free pizza offer to Toronto fans. If the Raptors score 100 points there will be free pizza and if the Leafs give up 10 goals fans will also cash in.

NY Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez was shown in a Youtube video throwing a rooster into a cockfight. Representatives from the Mets were shocked saying he doesn’t usually use a slider until later in the count. Cock fighting is legal in the Dominican Republic and has often been compared to American Idol without the cruelty.

I guess it’s only fitting that Roger Clemmens could be caught using performance enhancing drugs because of something caused by a pain in his ass. Clemmens trainer says he has hard evidence proving he used steroids including used syringes, cotton swabs and a copy of his improved ERA from 1998 on.

Syper Bowl on the House

The G-Men win the Super Bowl, Canada’s Emily Brydon wins the Super G and poor Tom Brady has to go home to a super g-string.

The only thing perfect about the Super Bowl was seeing Patriots coach Bill Belichick leave before the game was over.

You have to feel bad for Tom Brady because what does he have to look forward to?

You wonder who has been sacked more Tom Brady or his ex girlfriends?

The Presidential candidates tried to capture the spirit and momentum of the game. Republican Mitt Romney was hosting a party in New England and trumpeting his love of the Patriots and Bill Clinton held a party in NY and sang the praises of cheerleaders.

There were a record 97 million people watching the Super Bowl which was just slightly under 150 million less than tuned in for the NBA game featuring Chinese stars Yi Jianlian and Yao Ming.

The NFL donates the hats and t-shirts that had New England Patriots as the Super Bowl champions printed on them to overseas charities. So somewhere in Africa the perfect season lives on.

I had a perfect day picking winners on Sunday with my prediction the Giants would win by 3, the Rangers would beat Montreal and House would cure the sick person.

The Poverty Olympics was held for the first time and in an upset the team from the National Lacrosse League narrowly beat out the team from the Canadian Football League.

Volatile college basketball coach Bobby Knight has retired saying he wanted to spend more time berating the family.

The Hamilton Tiger Cats are not interested in being a part of the Buffalo Bills expansion into Toronto. According to a team spokesman they have their hands full promoting their own losing team and if they wanted to see an underperforming team for $250 they could still get tickets to a Leafs game.

The Giants were treated to a ticker tape parade in New York with the added benefit of having traders able to shower them with worthless stocks.

Amateur Form

The NHL All Star shoot out was pretty boring with the most creative moves saved for the after game party. Everyone was saying the moves would pick up next year and that’s no surprise Montreal women have heard them all.

Seeing the difficulty NHL players had with the creative moves maybe next year they should have 12 year old kids doing the breakaway shootout.

The NHL is considering adding 2 games to the schedule, the only sticking point being all of the GM’s want to play the Leafs 2 more times.

Hank Steinbrenner is telling NY Yankee fans to be patient saying he won’t trade his prospects for overpaid veterans until after spring training officially begins.

The Toronto Argonauts have offered a contract to former B.C Lions quarterback Dave Dickenson proving players aren’t the only ones with head trauma. The deal is for 4 years or 6 games whichever comes first.

Jason Kidd of the NY Knicks wants out and if his request for a trade isn’t granted he will go ahead with his sexual harassment suit. Kidd says he feels he has done all he can to keep the Knicks from becoming a laughing stock and now wants to dump his.

Former NHL player Jere Karalahti was arrested in his home country of Finland for attempting to smuggle in amphetamines. Now we know how he got the nickname the Finnish Flash.

During the Super Bowl media day a reporter dressed in a wedding dress asked New England quarterback Tom Brady to get married which answered the question “Whatever happened to Dennis Rodman”.

The Lingerie Bowl has been cancelled this year because none of the quarterbacks would let their model girlfriends compete. I guess the headline is Lingerie Bowl goes Bust.

The CBC has applied for a license to broadcast an all amateur sports channel. Great just what we need more Leaf games.

Calgary Stampeder coach George Cortez has turned down the chance to become the Head Coach of the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Cortez cited family reason as his wife can find Regina on a map.

PGA players are livid with the new drug testing program saying they feel it was sprung on them in the off season. After hearing from officials Frank Lickliter was incensed that one of the banned products included Vicks Vapor Inhaler. Frank should check the rules, it’s not the products that contain a dripping nose it’s the ones that cause it.

PGA players are now looking at forming a union and hope to have it in place in time for high tea.

Saskatchewan Roughriders quarterback Kerry Joseph is going to take a shot at the NFL. After winning the Grey Cup Joseph feels he should be given a contract that reflects his status as one of the CFL’s best. Hus biggest concern was a clause that had him being paid in US dollars.

Loved watching the Red Bull Crashed Ice demolition derby as it reminded me the last time I went to a Lulu Lemon warehouse sale.

The Calgary Flames are said to be close to signing restricted free agent Dion Phaneuf to a long term deal. They are stuck on a few small details including the contract length, bonuses and an out that allows him to pursue his dream of becoming a catwalk model.