Sneaks of San Francisco

A study released has shown a group of monkeys were more successful picking stocks than a group of brokers which might explain the Maple Leafs hiring of Jane Goodall.

With 3 of 6 Canadian hockey teams making the playoffs the race for the Cup is either half full or half empty.

CBC has announced the cancellation of the Royal Canadian Air Farce saying they just couldn’t write anything funnier than watching the Leafs.

Top 3 signs your pitcher and catcher had a fight during spring training

#3 Pitcher throws a slider down and away during a pitchout

#2 Catcher argues with the umpire on a called strike

#1 Every sign from the catcher is 1 finger

After receiving a broken leg during a charity game between Juno participants and NHL Old-timers, musician Michael Hollett says in retrospect he shouldn’t have worn an Oilers Jersey.

Portland Trailblazers injured center Greg Oden was criticized for playing a pick-up game with his beer league buddies with management saying they didn’t care how many of the Knicks were his friends.

I’m saying it was March Madness that made me pick Tampa Bay as my AL East pennant winner.

Watching the NY Yankees lose 2 straight to Tampa Bay makes me wonder how long until the Yankees recall Billy Crystal.

The Cincinnati Bengals are releasing players with a history of legal troubles and say they will look at future players who pass a morality bar and not start gunfights in one.

With so many NFL players being charged with crimes in the off season the ankle monitoring devise is now the latest must have piece of Bling.

Kobe Bryant says he will start swearing in a foreign language to avoid getting technical fouls and the first language he will attempt is English.

The biggest concern for China is not that protesters will try to extinguish the Olympic torch but that the air quality in Beijing will put it out.

Due to anti-US sentiments around the world the US Olympic Committee has replaced their usual clothing supplier Roots with one that has better flame retardant properties.

The coach of the Greek weightlifting team has blamed China for supplying supplements laced with steroids instead of the requested lead and mercury.

The name of the Olympic torch relay has now been changed to the 137,000 kilometre dash.

Not sure they wanted it that way but watching who would be the winner of the NHL Lottery pick turned out to be a real page turner.

A report from Environment Canada says over 1700 Canadian towns have water that is undrinkable but hockey fans in Toronto are still being asked to swallow the Maple Leafs Kool Aid.

The hockey playoffs are upon us or as Gillette Razors call it, the Dark Ages.

One of the reasons Edmonton and Chicago failed to make the playoffs is they don’t have enough players that can grow the required beard.

In an effort to stop the Olympic Flame from being extinguished China has ordered a new vehicle similar to the Popemobile to be called the Torchtank.

The Olympic Torch run had a retro look as the whole process turned into an episode of the Sneaks of San Francisco.

Once again NHL teams are trying to hide injuries with the Minnesota Wild saying defense man Nick Schultz’s appendectomy will leave him operating at less than 100%.

The Chinese have revised the qualifications for Olympic torch bearers with the new standards being the runner must race faster, hold the torch higher and be stronger than the person trying to take it out of their hands.

Researchers have discovered traits in men that can tell if they want a casual relationship. This includes a masculine appearance, enjoyment of sporting events and being male.

The talk this week was all about exit strategies as golfers scrambled to find a way to avoid Tiger at the Masters.

Representatives of the major Canadian Banks attended a meeting with officials of Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment to discover how after years of losses they can still record obscene profits.

The NHL has cautioned teams against unacceptable behaviour including scrums after the whistle, cheap shots and allowing a Canadian team to be in the finals.

The Montreal Canadians have sequestered the players in a Motel saying it takes away the distractions created by wives and mistresses.

Making Cents of the CFL

Gordie Howe turned 80 last week and due to his age it took him longer than usual to elbow out his candles.

Todd Bertuzzi is trying to drag his ex coach Marc Crawford into the lawsuit with Steve Moore by saying Crawford told him to attack Moore. In his defence Crawford says Bertuzzi just misheard him and what he really said was to attack more.

Ironic that Passover and Toronto’s Stanley Cup playoff hopes came to an end on the same week.

You know the Jr. Hockey brawl was serious news when the Dali Lama asked for peace between Quebec Ramparts and Chicoutimi Sagueneens.

After his Quebec supporter demanded Liberal Leader Stephane Dion resign, Mr. Dion asked for people to concentrate on the real problem in Canada fighting in Jr. Hockey.

Officials with the City of Calgary want to put a tax on business owners along the “Red Mile” to help with clean-up and policing costs. The new tax will be called the Pee ST.

Calgary was the only City in Canada to record an increase in power consumption during Earth Hour with most people watching the Flames playoff hopes fall off the radar.

China says the recent detainment of Monks in Tibet was just an audition for candidate to throw third rocks for their Olympic curling team.

Despite the PGA Zurich Classic having an alligator on the course and bee’s swarming above, the field felt most grateful there were no Tigers.

Doctors are saying drugs used to treat depression are causing an epidemic of obesity and is also the reason Toronto Maple Leaf Jerseys only come in XXXL.

Yahoo unveiled a new web portal to appeal to women called Shine and not to be outdone the NHL revealed its new site called Shiner.

The NFL has ruled a defensive player from each team will be allowed to wear a helmet with a receiver built in and will be called the I-Pound.

The NFL says it has closed the chapter on the Spygate scandal and has concluded the New England Patriots were innocent of any attempts to get an advantage over competitors and then ended the press conference by saying April Fools.

Edmonton Oilers coach Craig Mctavish says despite his team not making the playoffs it has been one of his most enjoyable years. Asked how he plans to spend the offseason Craig says he will vacation in Iraq and spend some quality time at his cottage in the Alberta Oilsands.

Guy LaFleur is suing the Quebec police for $3.5 million as a result of his highly publicized arrest and in a strange turn wants to be paid in cartons of Export “A” Light.

In what has to be the ultimate irony, RIM owner Jim Balsille found out he will be unable to move a team into Southern Ontario in a text message from the NHL.

F1 boss Max Mosley is defending his part in a 6 way Nazi themed sex orgy by saying it was just one of life’s speed bumps.

Mosley says the reason there were 6 women involved was that like a late model German car, as you get older it sometimes becomes harder to get the oil changed.

Mosley says he is considering retiring and will be a part of a group offering a Nazi themed oil change called the Minute Man Lube.

The Los Angeles Kings miss the playoffs, the Toronto Maple Leafs miss the playoffs and the Edmonton Oilers miss the playoffs. I thought with the writers’ strike being over we were done with re-runs.

The Alberta Government says they feel the worst of their health care crisis is over citing an increase in Doctors, opening new Hospital beds and the fact the Oilers are through for the year.

Russian tennis player Mikhail Youzhny beat himself on the head with his racquet disproving the adage you can`t get blood from a stone.

The Canadian Government is studying the removal of pennies from the currency saying they will talk to the people most affected store owners, the service industry and CFL players.

The Ali Snuggle

A man from Quebec City says he has purchased the oldest hockey stick and confirmed it with carbon dating, expert analysis and asking Chris Chelios when he last used it.

With all the finger injuries to Toronto Blue Jays players team officials are now adding gelatine in addition to their regular drug regime.

It’s quite a year when the Blue Jays chances are hanging by their fingernails before the season even begins.

Olympic officials are said to be looking into the new LZR swimsuit which has been used by swimmers breaking 11 world records. The new suit is said to be more buoyant but does not pass the most critical test that being did the makers of the suit pay for Olympic Sponsorship?

Watching the women’s world curling championships who would have thought China would be so good at throwing rocks?

Greece is upset with Macedonia for attempting to enter NATO with the name of their country which is the same as a Greek Province. Canadian officials have offered a solution saying they should call the country the Rough Riders.

In an effort to increase viewers for the coming NHL playoffs NBC is trying out slogans to compete with the success of College Basketball’s March Madness. Suggestions include April Apathy, Ice Cold and What the Puck.

Female boxer Laila Ali is pregnant and says next time she should release from the clinch quicker.

The NFL is considering a rule to limit the length of a player’s hair saying there are too many less split ends on the split ends. The rule has gone to a vote where it is hoped it won’t end in a dreadlock.

Former slugger Jose Canseco says in his latest book NY Yankee Alex Rodriguez tried to hit on his wife but fortunately it was during the post season so he struck out.

A 425 sq. Mile chunk of ice has broken off from the Antarctic Shelf. Scientist suspect it is from Global Warming increased CO2 in the atmosphere or all the hot air surrounding the Jr. Hockey fight featuring Patrick Roy and his son.

There are calls for a ban on fighting in Jr. Hockey because as we all know if you ban something kids will immediately stop doing it.

The CBC is producing a movie on the life of Don Cherry with filming to start once they collar a director.

What’s the world coming to? I turned on the TV to watch a hockey fight and all I got was politicians and analysts fighting over fighting.

In recognition of Earth Hour the CBC has decided to move the hot air released during Coaches Corner to after 9:00 PM. In a related story Canadian teams have been asked not to score between 8:00 and 9:00 PM so as not to turn on the red light.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy has said they may boycott the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics. An official with the French Government later clarified the statement saying they would just be “fashionably late”.

Heath Benedict a 6’6” 320 lb. offensive lineman who was to enter the NFL draft this year was found dead on his couch. The cause of death has not yet been released while officials try to come up with another word for obvious.

Officials with the America’s Cup Yacht Race are upset the competing teams will be decided in court saying it is the worst case of rich men fighting over their boats since last Tuesday.

Vancouver Canucks goalie Roberto Luongo has left the team to be with his wife while she gives birth. In a show of support the rest of the teams fighting for a playoff spot in the Western Conference were seen handing out cigars.

Dream Parade

Due to the unrest in Tibet the Olympic torch run has been changed to the torch and run.

In an effort to put a positive spin on the troops being sent into Tibet, Chinese officials are calling it their version of March Madness.

The MLB players union is looking into possible collusion as a reason Barry Bonds has not been signed by a team. A spokesperson for Bonds says he is still pumped at the prospect of playing another year and feel he can still give it his best shot.

Sources in the CFL say they are close to having another team in Ottawa they just have to cross a few more X’s and O’s.

Turns out Vessa Toskula is the best goalie Toronto has ever had by a long shot.

After watching President Bush say the invasion of Iraq was an unqualified success I’m thinking the Maple Leafs search for a new GM may be over.

A report says people who are tight with their money experience pain when spending similar to the pain Toronto Maple Leaf fans feel when their team spends money on a free agent.

The Alberta Government has raised the minimum wage saying it shouldn’t take more than 2 days to pay for an average ticket to an NHL game.

Due to increased building in the downtown Calgary has said they will be looking to re-route the Stamped parade although the Stanley Cup parade is still scheduled to go ahead in their dreams.

Crystal having a Ball

Sean Avery has received some support from President Bush over his suspension with the Commander in Chief saying sometimes it’s OK to waterbottle.

A new report from the EPA says prescription drugs are turning up in the water supply to which Roger Clemens replied “See I told you it could happen to anyone”.

Canada and Chinese Taipei were involved in a bench clearing brawl during an Olympic qualifying match. Police were called in to restore order and declare independence from China.

Aaron Rogers has asked Green Bay Packers fans for patience saying it will take him a few interceptions to erase the memory of Brett Favre.

Actor Billy Crystal signed a 1 day contract with the NY Yankees where he will play in an exhibition game and later as part of the new MLB drug testing policy analyze piss.

You have to wonder if Billy took a performance enhancing drug would it be Crystal Clear.

A soccer brawl in Columbia which injured 85 people was apparently started by a jealous boyfriend. Official with Columbian soccer say they are investigating and will not offer free tickets again to Travis Henry.

A report has confirmed Roger Federer had mono which contributed to his recent loss in the Australian Open. Now that he is recovered the rest of the men can kiss their hopes at winning good bye.

China says they have foiled a terrorist plot that threatened the Olympics and have jailed 50,000 dissidents just to be safe.

The NHL is interested in holding an outdoor game at Yankee Stadium. It will be the last game played there which will make it the House that Ruth Built and Bettman brought down.

Although the teams have not yet been announced players are already lining up for a shot at the Yankees trainers.

Calgary Flames winger Jerome Iginla became the teams leading goal scorer and the ovation was so loud some of the fans had to put down their Blackberries to see what was going on.

Colorado Avalanche forward Peter Forsberg has been a game time decision with trainers deciding whether to keep him out of the line-up with a foot injury, back injury or groin injury.

With F1 coming to Singapore for the coming year you have to wonder if the fast new corner will be called the Singapore Sling.

Bad news on the New England Patriots Spygate scandal when it was discovered the tape that was to have shown the Patriots filming the St. Louis Rams during Super Bowl XXXVI was accidentally taped over for an episode of Lost.

Top 3 Signs the air in Beijing is becoming healthier

# 3 Air quality has been upgraded from “chunky” to “chewy”

# 2 Citizens now wearing masks just to rob you

# 1 Less Environmentalists being shot every day

Germany has confiscated over 1.3 tons of steroids. Officials became suspicious when they arrested 2 women carrying the steroids home on their backs.

In a related story German officials are warning citizens not to expect the usual results in Olympic weight lifting, hammer throwing or Volkswagen tossing.

No LIE!

The Calgary Flames have decided to give fans a mini video player during games because nothing is more exciting than a fan watching replays on a 4” screen.

The new 4” screens combine the excitement of watching a live NHL game with the fun of reading e-mails.

Golfer Ernie Els won a tournament this week by having his psychologist walk the course with him. This is now being copied by other athletes with Roger Clemens bringing along his Pharmacist, Chris Simon his Parole Officer and Travis Henry working with Dr. Ruth.

Don Cherry says Mats Sundin is prolonging his career by not playing for a playoff team and if anyone knows how to get longevity out of not winning the Stanley Cup it’s Don.

Prince Fielder was assigned a contract of $675,000 for the coming season or as his dad Cecil calls it a pretty good ante.

When the NHL owners stripped the players of everything in their last contract negotiations who would have thought a no-trade clause could cause them so much grief. It’s like the Americans sacking Iraq and finding out the only oil in the ground refuses to work in their cars.

Former Toronto Maple Leafs forward Chad Kilger has been suspended for not reporting to the Florida Panthers. A spokesperson for Kilger says he is just trying to prolong his career and wants a trade to a team further out of the playoffs.

Kerry Joseph the quarterback who led the Saskatchewan Roughriders to the Grey Cup has been traded to the Toronto Argonauts for a player to leave later.

If the Roughriders are unable to sign players to the team they will have to re-name Regina to Edmonton.

An amputee sprinter who has been ruled ineligible to run in the Olympics lost another appeal with the Olympic Committee saying the artificial legs give him an unfair advantage over the drugged competitors.

Toronto has lost its Grand Prix race for this year but a spokesman for the Leafs say they will pick up the slack by spinning their wheels and going in circles.

With Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds and Guy Lafleur all in legal trouble for lying you wonder if athletes really do give 110 %.

After hauling in all of 4 passes last year NY Giants receiver David Tyree has signed a book deal and quickly called it his greatest catch ever.

Oscar Rated

This year the Oscars had the worst TV ratings ever. Sources close to the show blame it on the new name “Oscar Night in Canada”.

This is the new age of accountability in the NHL with the best trade being $7.8 million over two years for $3.4 million, $2.2 million and a bonus to be named later.

Top 3 Signs your NHL Deadline Trade may be a bust...

# 3 John Ferguson Jr. and Mike Milbury give it a thumbs up

# 2 Other GM’s put you on their Fave 5 for next year

# 1 You refer to the prospect you got as having Darcy Tucker like potential

The Ottawa Senators have fired head coach John Paddock and replaced him with former coach and GM Bryan Murray raising speculation Paddock could soon be hired to help the Toronto Maple Leafs land a lottery pick.

I’m trying to decide what question I would ask on TV’s Moment of Truth.

Roger Clemens did you take steroids?

Brett Hull was your foot in the crease?

Marv Albert what does a thong feel like?

After scoring 15 goals on 20 shots to win a million dollars Darwin Head now has more goals than all but 2 Maple Leafs and costs $31 million less.

Pressure isn’t scoring 15 goals in 24 seconds or being in front of 18,000 fans it’s having your wife and mother-in law standing beside you and trying to explain later if you don’t.

My only thought when I heard ex-NHL player Len Barrie was part of the group interested in buying the Tampa Bay Lightening was what position would his son play?

After failing to make any progress at the draft the Toronto Maple Leafs are now looking at Plan B, hiring Mike Holmes to do a complete renovation.