What a wonderful feeling to hear people from Vancouver being envious of the rest of Canada for having enough snow to ski on.
Mark McGuire says now that he has talked about his steroid use all the shots should be behind him... again.
Mikka Kipprusof the shining light for the Calgary Flames had to deal with a laser directed in his eyes by the dimmest bulb in Vancouver.
Pat Quinn carried the Olympic Torch in Edmonton the closest he has been to a flaming hot group for a while
Top 5 signs you are hated by referees
# 5 You get a technical while in the shower
# 4 You are called for goaltender interference and you are the goaltender
# 3 On 4th and goal he gives you a 2 minute time-out
# 2 Before you can take a face off you have to say “mother may I?”
# 1 You are only allowed to take 4 steps after you stop dribbling
Brian Burke says Leafs coach Ron Wilson’s job is a safe as the gold in Ft. Knox. This contradicts earlier reports his job was as safe as the gold in the Canadian Mint.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
High Calibre Team
Happy New Year... may all your bets beat the spread...
The film Avatar features people from Earth fighting for a mineral called unobtanium. Toronto Maple Leaf fans know it as the metal in the Stanley Cup.
NFL players are backing their NBA brothers in calling for the right to bring their guns to work. In particular Chicago players believe they have a fundamental right to arm Bears.
It turns out Gilbert Arenas is rally a frustrated shooter from the perimeter.
I guess Arenas shooting range is about 2 lockers away
Former teammates were quick to come to Arenas defence saying he is really just a funny guy a pistol as it were.
The dispute between teammates Arenas and Javaris Crittenton was over a disputed gambling debt but NBA commissioner Daniel Stern quickly came to their defence saying they were just betting on football.
NBA players are defending their right to carry guns saying if they didn’t the tattoos would just look stupid.
Top 5 signs your NBA team has a gun problem
# 5 Coach has to remind players to get the lead out in the dressing room
# 4 Ammo is high calibre players not so much
# 3 Despite the high number of pregnancies some players still like to shoot blanks
# 2 Favourite numbers on the team are 44, 38 and 22
# 1 They make $10 million a year and still shop at Target
Rider GM Eric Tillman pleaded guilty to sexual assault saying he was “loopy” after taking pain killers. This also explains most of the outfits worn in Saskatchewan the day after the Grey Cup loss.
The NFL is looking to add incentives to teams so they will play their best players in the final games. After appealing to their greed and pride the only thing left is to offer them a guns for games bailout.
Giants stadium in New Jersey went dry for the final game with fears a drunk crowd would tear down the stadium. Fans say they were pissed but not as much as usual.
The film Avatar features people from Earth fighting for a mineral called unobtanium. Toronto Maple Leaf fans know it as the metal in the Stanley Cup.
NFL players are backing their NBA brothers in calling for the right to bring their guns to work. In particular Chicago players believe they have a fundamental right to arm Bears.
It turns out Gilbert Arenas is rally a frustrated shooter from the perimeter.
I guess Arenas shooting range is about 2 lockers away
Former teammates were quick to come to Arenas defence saying he is really just a funny guy a pistol as it were.
The dispute between teammates Arenas and Javaris Crittenton was over a disputed gambling debt but NBA commissioner Daniel Stern quickly came to their defence saying they were just betting on football.
NBA players are defending their right to carry guns saying if they didn’t the tattoos would just look stupid.
Top 5 signs your NBA team has a gun problem
# 5 Coach has to remind players to get the lead out in the dressing room
# 4 Ammo is high calibre players not so much
# 3 Despite the high number of pregnancies some players still like to shoot blanks
# 2 Favourite numbers on the team are 44, 38 and 22
# 1 They make $10 million a year and still shop at Target
Rider GM Eric Tillman pleaded guilty to sexual assault saying he was “loopy” after taking pain killers. This also explains most of the outfits worn in Saskatchewan the day after the Grey Cup loss.
The NFL is looking to add incentives to teams so they will play their best players in the final games. After appealing to their greed and pride the only thing left is to offer them a guns for games bailout.
Giants stadium in New Jersey went dry for the final game with fears a drunk crowd would tear down the stadium. Fans say they were pissed but not as much as usual.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
No jump for joy
There will be no Olympics for women in the ski jumping program the 1st time a member of the IOC has turned down a jump from any woman.
The Washington Redskins addressed their bizarre play when they lined up 7 players to the short side of the field and then faked a field goal. The play will now be called the white flag of surrender.
The Canadian Olympic ski team lost 5 top competitors to injury in the last 2 weeks or as the Detroit Red Wings call it, Tuesday.
Elin Woods says she was suspicious Tiger may be having affairs when instead of stocking last year at Xmas he hung up nylons.
The PGA has been supportive of Tiger although they have looked into claims he played around without counting all his strokes.
Top 5 signs you are at a bad Xmas party
# 5 Tiger Woods keeps hogging all the time under the tinsel
# 4 John Torterella gets drunk and starts telling you what he thinks
# 3 Tim Donaghy gives 2:1 odds against having a good time
# 2 Only appetizers being served are suspiciously old watermelon balls
# 1 Mike Millbury stays sober and tells you what he thinks
You know the Global Warming Summit was doomed to failure when Barack Obama said he had to leave before it was over so he could watch the Redskins beat the Giants.
Top 5 signs you might not make Canada’s Olympic hockey team
# 5 You wear a Maple Leaf on your NHL team jersey
# 4 Coach calls you “gritty”
# 3 Injury report lists you as “whatever”
# 2 The last goal you scored was with a Po Finn hockey stick
# 1 You got a hernia lacing up your skates
The NHL is upset the Russian Olympic team may make changes at the last minute saying they should base their picks on the same old boys’ network that Canada employs.
AT&T says they will no longer put their logo on Tigers bag the 1st time Tigers bag and a mobile phone have not been lucky to him.
Florida coach Urban Myers was sent to hospital complaining of chest pains but officials released him with the advice to not put his whole paycheque in his wallet.
Urbans wife Shelly called 911 saying he was unresponsive and wasn’t sure what club to use to snap him out of it.
The Pittsburgh Steelers are worried New England and Cincinnati will “lay down” so they don’t get into the playoffs. Players were incensed saying the script the received from the NFL at the start of the year clearly shows them in the playoffs.
An Alberta farmer will try to win $1 million by shooting 20 pucks into the net during the intermission of the Canada-USA Junior game. The amount is determined by an average of the NHL salary for 20 goal scorers.
Asked what he would do with the money the man said he would probably just keep farming until it was gone.
Top 5 New Year’s resolutions for Canadian men
# 5 Promise to only watch the games that REALLY matter
# 4 Get the Canadian Flag tattoo removed from your butt
# 3 Stop telling the wife and kids to shut the $%#@&* up when Don Cherry is on
# 2 Fix the holes in the wall created after really dumb plays
# 1 Quit bugging your wife to put on the lingerie and go deep
The Washington Redskins addressed their bizarre play when they lined up 7 players to the short side of the field and then faked a field goal. The play will now be called the white flag of surrender.
The Canadian Olympic ski team lost 5 top competitors to injury in the last 2 weeks or as the Detroit Red Wings call it, Tuesday.
Elin Woods says she was suspicious Tiger may be having affairs when instead of stocking last year at Xmas he hung up nylons.
The PGA has been supportive of Tiger although they have looked into claims he played around without counting all his strokes.
Top 5 signs you are at a bad Xmas party
# 5 Tiger Woods keeps hogging all the time under the tinsel
# 4 John Torterella gets drunk and starts telling you what he thinks
# 3 Tim Donaghy gives 2:1 odds against having a good time
# 2 Only appetizers being served are suspiciously old watermelon balls
# 1 Mike Millbury stays sober and tells you what he thinks
You know the Global Warming Summit was doomed to failure when Barack Obama said he had to leave before it was over so he could watch the Redskins beat the Giants.
Top 5 signs you might not make Canada’s Olympic hockey team
# 5 You wear a Maple Leaf on your NHL team jersey
# 4 Coach calls you “gritty”
# 3 Injury report lists you as “whatever”
# 2 The last goal you scored was with a Po Finn hockey stick
# 1 You got a hernia lacing up your skates
The NHL is upset the Russian Olympic team may make changes at the last minute saying they should base their picks on the same old boys’ network that Canada employs.
AT&T says they will no longer put their logo on Tigers bag the 1st time Tigers bag and a mobile phone have not been lucky to him.
Florida coach Urban Myers was sent to hospital complaining of chest pains but officials released him with the advice to not put his whole paycheque in his wallet.
Urbans wife Shelly called 911 saying he was unresponsive and wasn’t sure what club to use to snap him out of it.
The Pittsburgh Steelers are worried New England and Cincinnati will “lay down” so they don’t get into the playoffs. Players were incensed saying the script the received from the NFL at the start of the year clearly shows them in the playoffs.
An Alberta farmer will try to win $1 million by shooting 20 pucks into the net during the intermission of the Canada-USA Junior game. The amount is determined by an average of the NHL salary for 20 goal scorers.
Asked what he would do with the money the man said he would probably just keep farming until it was gone.
Top 5 New Year’s resolutions for Canadian men
# 5 Promise to only watch the games that REALLY matter
# 4 Get the Canadian Flag tattoo removed from your butt
# 3 Stop telling the wife and kids to shut the $%#@&* up when Don Cherry is on
# 2 Fix the holes in the wall created after really dumb plays
# 1 Quit bugging your wife to put on the lingerie and go deep
Thursday, December 17, 2009
A Cherry on the Case
Tiger Woods won the athlete of the decade award and his spokesman in an attempt to put a positive spin on his current troubles said Tiger has nailed the Masters and to date no reported minors.
BMO field in Toronto has been deemed too small to play football in despite pleas from Argo officials that they rarely use the end zone anyway.
A doctor linked with Tiger Woods has been charged with being in possession of performance enhancing drugs. Who knew Viagra would be the next problem for Tiger?
After seeing the deal the Toronto Blue Jays got for Doc Holiday you have to wonder if they are taking advice from ex Argos coach Bart Andrus.
A doctor has blamed Don Cherry for causing concussions a claim vehemently denied by the CBC who say you are not supposed to watch Coaches Corner if you have a head injury.
The only people banging their heads on account of Cherry are fashion designers.
A group of people called Ice Edge has offered the NHL $140 million for the Phoenix Coyotes. The deal is conditional on approval from the NHL Board of Governors and a drug test for the Ice Edge CEO.
Bettman says there are many other individuals interested in purchasing the Coyotes although the number goes down when they are properly medicated.
Rogers Communications has won a court case with Bell Canada over advertising claims that Rogers is the “most reliable” network. Bell is still hoping they will win their suit over Rogers calling the Blue Jays a “professional” baseball team.
Recent finding have shown humans were in Europe earlier than first thought. They discovered this by studding teeth that prove beyond a shadow of a doubt they were English.
The climate conference in Copenhagen has come out in support of industrialized nations paying developing nations large amounts of money for sins of the past. They got the idea of subsidising hot weather areas by those from colder climates from the NHL.
A hoax at the climate conference saying Canada will agree to ridiculous reductions in emissions were said to be by the group the Yes Men or as they are known in North America the NHL Board of Governors.
A Japanese baseball pitcher called the Knuckleball Princess has been signed to play in the Arizona league. According to Red Sox Tim Wakefield she can really bring the heat with speeds of over 50 mph.
Top 5 signs you are violating the Olympic Trademark
# 5 Your product makes people higher, faster or stronger
# 4 Your torch lights up a whole neighbourhood
# 3 Company motto has Vancouver, Games or graft in it
# 2 People say your company is like a 5 ring circus
# 1 You’re making money and not sharing with your Olympic friends
BMO field in Toronto has been deemed too small to play football in despite pleas from Argo officials that they rarely use the end zone anyway.
A doctor linked with Tiger Woods has been charged with being in possession of performance enhancing drugs. Who knew Viagra would be the next problem for Tiger?
After seeing the deal the Toronto Blue Jays got for Doc Holiday you have to wonder if they are taking advice from ex Argos coach Bart Andrus.
A doctor has blamed Don Cherry for causing concussions a claim vehemently denied by the CBC who say you are not supposed to watch Coaches Corner if you have a head injury.
The only people banging their heads on account of Cherry are fashion designers.
A group of people called Ice Edge has offered the NHL $140 million for the Phoenix Coyotes. The deal is conditional on approval from the NHL Board of Governors and a drug test for the Ice Edge CEO.
Bettman says there are many other individuals interested in purchasing the Coyotes although the number goes down when they are properly medicated.
Rogers Communications has won a court case with Bell Canada over advertising claims that Rogers is the “most reliable” network. Bell is still hoping they will win their suit over Rogers calling the Blue Jays a “professional” baseball team.
Recent finding have shown humans were in Europe earlier than first thought. They discovered this by studding teeth that prove beyond a shadow of a doubt they were English.
The climate conference in Copenhagen has come out in support of industrialized nations paying developing nations large amounts of money for sins of the past. They got the idea of subsidising hot weather areas by those from colder climates from the NHL.
A hoax at the climate conference saying Canada will agree to ridiculous reductions in emissions were said to be by the group the Yes Men or as they are known in North America the NHL Board of Governors.
A Japanese baseball pitcher called the Knuckleball Princess has been signed to play in the Arizona league. According to Red Sox Tim Wakefield she can really bring the heat with speeds of over 50 mph.
Top 5 signs you are violating the Olympic Trademark
# 5 Your product makes people higher, faster or stronger
# 4 Your torch lights up a whole neighbourhood
# 3 Company motto has Vancouver, Games or graft in it
# 2 People say your company is like a 5 ring circus
# 1 You’re making money and not sharing with your Olympic friends
Thursday, December 10, 2009
5-A-Hole
Tough week for Tiger Woods as his wife is upset he is having affairs, black women are upset he is having affairs with white women and Adam Lambert says he owes him a kiss.
When Tiger went to Australia he received a $3 million appearance fee which he quickly paid to one of his hook-ups as a disappearance fee.
Oprah has made an offer to Tiger to clear the air on her show the 1st woman who wants him on a couch in a vertical position
After 54 years on air the Soap Opera “As the World Turns” has been cancelled. A spokesman says they just can’t compete with the story line Tiger is weaving
Mental health experts think Tiger may suffer from a rare form of sex addiction that causes men who are rich and powerful to act out. Most women say it’s just par for the course.
I asked my GF if I was a sex addict and she said I didn’t have enough money
Philadelphia Flyers goalie Ray Emery will have abdominal surgery which is weird because I thought it was Ottawa Senator fans that couldn’t stomach him
New York Islanders defenceman Brendan Witt was hit by a car just before a game in Philadelphia. The driver of the car says he was aiming for Islanders goalie Martin Biron to show his disgust at how he played for the Flyers last year but went through the 5-hole and got Brendan instead.
Hitachi has developed technology to identify people from the veins in their fingers, which is slightly different from Detroit Lions fans who are easily recognized by the veins in their forehead.
The technology is not new as most wives use the middle finger to identify when they have watched enough football
Police in Vancouver have seized a cache of ecstasy pills with the Olympic logo on them. Officials with the IOC were livid and immediately demanded a percentage from all the drugs.
The pills differ from the ones with the Toronto Maple Leaf logo on them which are called agony.
When Tiger went to Australia he received a $3 million appearance fee which he quickly paid to one of his hook-ups as a disappearance fee.
Oprah has made an offer to Tiger to clear the air on her show the 1st woman who wants him on a couch in a vertical position
After 54 years on air the Soap Opera “As the World Turns” has been cancelled. A spokesman says they just can’t compete with the story line Tiger is weaving
Mental health experts think Tiger may suffer from a rare form of sex addiction that causes men who are rich and powerful to act out. Most women say it’s just par for the course.
I asked my GF if I was a sex addict and she said I didn’t have enough money
Philadelphia Flyers goalie Ray Emery will have abdominal surgery which is weird because I thought it was Ottawa Senator fans that couldn’t stomach him
New York Islanders defenceman Brendan Witt was hit by a car just before a game in Philadelphia. The driver of the car says he was aiming for Islanders goalie Martin Biron to show his disgust at how he played for the Flyers last year but went through the 5-hole and got Brendan instead.
Hitachi has developed technology to identify people from the veins in their fingers, which is slightly different from Detroit Lions fans who are easily recognized by the veins in their forehead.
The technology is not new as most wives use the middle finger to identify when they have watched enough football
Police in Vancouver have seized a cache of ecstasy pills with the Olympic logo on them. Officials with the IOC were livid and immediately demanded a percentage from all the drugs.
The pills differ from the ones with the Toronto Maple Leaf logo on them which are called agony.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Taxi Squat!
35% of professional Rugby player are currently on the injured reserve list and supporters are demanding answers as to why the remaining 65% are such pussies.
Fun fact... there were more players on the Riders Taxi Squad than actual Taxis in Calgary for the Grey Cup.
I thought it was an Atlanta Braves thing but it looks like the Florida Panthers are using the Tomahawk Chop
Fun fact... there were more players on the Riders Taxi Squad than actual Taxis in Calgary for the Grey Cup.
I thought it was an Atlanta Braves thing but it looks like the Florida Panthers are using the Tomahawk Chop
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Fore... play!
You know it was a Canadian University Championship football game when the host is Quebec featuring teams from Alberta and Ontario and yet most of the people in the crowd were wearing green.
Traffic was snarled in Calgary for Grey Cup weekend with a sudden snowfall. Vehicles moved much quicker once fans of the Riders took the watermelons off their heads and used them for traction on the icy roads.
So a story in the tabloids linking Tiger Woods to an affair lands in the newsstand the same week he has a car accident running into a tree on his property and his wife just happens to have a golf club to free him from the vehicle. Wow what luck!
The club Tigers wife used to get him out of the car? A free Woods.
Tiger Woods wife is like most new golfers... once she hits the dimples it goes a few yards then ends up in the trees...
Police became suspicious when a Tweet from Tigers wife told her friends she was going out clubbing
LFL star Krystal Gray was in Saskatoon for a Grey Cup appearance and challenged men to a throwing contest after seeing all of the passes made to her fall short
After being an asset all year who would have thought the Riders 13th man would cost them the Grey Cup.
A huge traffic jam on the #1 Highway leading into Calgary resulted when Winnebago’s clogged up the roads leading to McMahon Stadium after hearing Snowbirds were to do a pass over
At the end of the Game none of the players would name the culprit and so sales of the Rider Jersey “I am the 13th man” quickly sold out... and the line was used often on LFL star Krystal Gray at the after game party...
Children in Saskatchewan learning the basics of football now have a new competition the Punt/Pass/Kick and Count.
Top 5 signs you have too many men on the field
# 5 The down lineman has a Pilsner hat on
# 4 You have to take off both shoes to count them all
# 3 One players is wearing number .08
# 2 There is a fight to see who will snap the ball
# 1 You manage to disappoint both the Rider Nation and your elementary school math teacher
I told my GF I wouldn’t wash my Rider shirt again until they won the Grey Cup and she was surprised I had ever washed it
Traffic was snarled in Calgary for Grey Cup weekend with a sudden snowfall. Vehicles moved much quicker once fans of the Riders took the watermelons off their heads and used them for traction on the icy roads.
So a story in the tabloids linking Tiger Woods to an affair lands in the newsstand the same week he has a car accident running into a tree on his property and his wife just happens to have a golf club to free him from the vehicle. Wow what luck!
The club Tigers wife used to get him out of the car? A free Woods.
Tiger Woods wife is like most new golfers... once she hits the dimples it goes a few yards then ends up in the trees...
Police became suspicious when a Tweet from Tigers wife told her friends she was going out clubbing
LFL star Krystal Gray was in Saskatoon for a Grey Cup appearance and challenged men to a throwing contest after seeing all of the passes made to her fall short
After being an asset all year who would have thought the Riders 13th man would cost them the Grey Cup.
A huge traffic jam on the #1 Highway leading into Calgary resulted when Winnebago’s clogged up the roads leading to McMahon Stadium after hearing Snowbirds were to do a pass over
At the end of the Game none of the players would name the culprit and so sales of the Rider Jersey “I am the 13th man” quickly sold out... and the line was used often on LFL star Krystal Gray at the after game party...
Children in Saskatchewan learning the basics of football now have a new competition the Punt/Pass/Kick and Count.
Top 5 signs you have too many men on the field
# 5 The down lineman has a Pilsner hat on
# 4 You have to take off both shoes to count them all
# 3 One players is wearing number .08
# 2 There is a fight to see who will snap the ball
# 1 You manage to disappoint both the Rider Nation and your elementary school math teacher
I told my GF I wouldn’t wash my Rider shirt again until they won the Grey Cup and she was surprised I had ever washed it
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