An apology to Tiger Woods

My official acceptance of Tiger Woods apology,

First, thank you for not coming.

I too wanted no one questioning this apology and so I only invited close personal friends that would remain silent which is why no one attended.

I accept your apology to those close to you. My wives and children were nice people as well and I wish everyone would respect their privacy and not divulge where I am living. They too are innocent and I may owe alimony or support...

To my friends, family and sponsors, AA and others, I apologize for my jokes, shots and snide remarks and of course to you Tiger for being the butt of so many. As a male who has left my sexual health in the hands of professionals, I should have been more understanding.

I accept your apology for interrupting the PGA Event with your apology because I know it is important to return to sex therapy as quickly as possible. Most of the sex workers I know charge by the hour as well.

I accept your journey ahead will be long and hard and not just from the testimony of your numerous mistresses.

Until I lost my money, looks and hope I also succumbed to temptation though I have to admit your variety was world class. The ladies themselves may not have displayed any class but their size, looks and occupations showed your penchant for variety.

I accept your need for privacy in this difficult time. When I am with my sex worker the last thing I need is someone tapping on the windshield asking questions.

I accept your return to Buddhism and hope your flirtation with Bootyism was a brief hiccup in your spiritual growth.

I accept your apology and understand the pain and suffering you have inflicted on your mother. My mom has passed away but I know she wouldn’t have been caught dead sitting in the front row listening to me.

I accept your need to be away from your profession as you continue your journey of recovery. I too will no longer go to work but that is more of a result of the conditions of my mental disability. We may not have the same income and I find that really sad as it affects the quality and menu options I have at my disposal.

In closing I would like to again accept your apology Tiger and hope you will accept the apology I am offering regarding the jokes. If by some miracle I should be blessed enough to see you teeing off on the tour I will do my utmost to refrain from shouting “In the Hole!”