Ugly is as ugly dates

NY Yankees pitcher Mariano Rivera was injured and is out for the season after a freak pre-game shagging flies accident. It is the 1^st shagging incident in Yankee history to not be treated by penicillin.

Daryl Sutter has the LA Kings one step closer to the Stanley Cup finals. This is being met with a collective “who?” from dedicate Calgary Flames fans.

Next year the Flames might be watching Daryl and Brent Sutter meet in the playoffs, or as it is called in Calgary “Crap!”

The Phoenix Coyotes are in talks with another suitor to buy the team. Tentative terms have not been released but the Glendale City Council says they seem to meet their demands, people breathing in the seats.

Boy the after-after party for the Nashville Predators might be a little awkward.

The Washington Redskins have announced #2 overall pick RG3 will be their starting QB. In a carefully worded statement the teams says they chose another QB Kirk Cousins in the draft because his girlfriend was prettier. This followed standard scouting practices that an ugly girlfriend means you have no confidence. In the rookie camp RG3 showed up with a hottie, thus alleviating the concern.

Two gymnastics judges have been banned from the London Olympics by a disciplinary panel investigating mistakes during the women's event at last fall's world championships. The judges were inadvertently giving points for artistic merit to gymnasts who had not even offered a single bribe. The oversight has been corrected.

The Vancouver Canucks resolved the status of general manager Mike Gillis on Monday and moved closer to determining coach Alain Vigneault's future. Sources say Vigneaults contract will be extended, made of iron clad agreements and open to his quick removal.

Canadian world hockey captain Ryan Getzlaf was flabbergasted after being linked to an incident at a Helsinki bar by Finnish media outlets. Getzlaf says rumours of drinking, arguing and swearing were totally overblown, adding were just discussing the Nashville Predators response to players drinking, arguing and swearing in a bar.

Two employees at a Tim Hortons in Windsor, Ont., were involved in a different type of labour today — they suddenly found themselves having to help a woman give birth in one of the washrooms. The employees were shocked when the woman decided to name the twins born to her Double and Double Double.

The provincial government has introduced legislation to regulate boxing, kick-boxing and mixed martial arts events across B.C. The bill is known as the kicking, gouging, biting and slapping outside the Legislature amendment and will be law once the backroom scuffles are finished.

Toronto's mayor refused to speak to reporters on Tuesday during a very brief photo opportunity outside his office inside City Hall. Citizens of Toronto hope the Toronto Maple Leafs GM will show the same pity on Torontonians for the summer.