Catching Up

The Grey Cup will begin a 74 day trip across Canada. I was originally scheduled for 60 days but Toronto asked for an extra 2 weeks to show kids in the city what a professional championship trophy looks like.

Earlier this month, the federal government decided to crack down on a new designer street-drug called bath salts. The salt is said to have the properties of heroin and may lead to brain damage. The city of Vancouver is in an uproar saying to cut people off is criminal and they plan to set up safe injection sites at East Side Bed, Bath and Beyond stores. I finally have an answer why the GF spends an hour in the tub and comes out all dizzy and weak kneed.

Facebook's recent push to promote organ donation in the United States caused registrations to soar; a similar social media initiative could soon be launched in Canada. Among those on the waiting list are the Toronto Maple Leafs who say they just need heart.

A 13 yr. old boy in the US is being sued $500k for an errant throw that hit a spectator. If you can sue someone for bad aim on the field the San Diego Padres better buy a lot more insurance.

A group of seven-year-old girls in Port Coquitlam, B.C., made a grisly discovery Monday when they stumbled upon a dead body near a creek behind their elementary school. On the bright side they got out of gym.

England once again was eliminated from Euro Cup competition on penalties when they were beaten by Italy. Asked what the problem seemed to be during sudden death an English spokesman said it had something to do with the kicks being free.

The Columbus Blue Jackets offered every draft pick they had to get the #1 pick overall and were turned down. Columbus now says they will go with Plan B and not sign anyone for the coming year.

Vancouver Canucks forward Mason Raymond said he felt bad after being given a $225.00 cut in pay to $2.275 million for the upcoming year. The reduction was due to an unproductive, injury plagued year but Raymond says he will try to remain motivated despite the insult.

The Canadian owner of I'll Have Another says he sold his Kentucky Derby and Preakness winner to a farm in Japan for US$10 million and will be used for breeding. This is the most paid for a stud since Burt Reynolds posed nude for Cosmopolitan Magazine.

The Minnesota Wild was able to sign Zach Parise and Ryan Sutter because they wanted their women to be close to home. NHL team operations will now have a new position called Puck Bunny with the motto “If you can’t beat ‘em in the alley, land ‘em at the Back Alley.

Once again the Vancouver SPCA is attacking the Calgary Stampede calling for the elimination of calf roping. New ads show a picture of a baby with the caption “Would you use a baby to amuse a crowd?” A spokesman for Gerber Baby food was incensed saying the Vancouver group should worry about the animals that attend Canuck playoff games.

Convicted Stanley Cup rioter Robert Snelgrove has made a court-ordered public apology to the people of Vancouver and all residents of British Columbia. The apology seemed heartfelt even when he blamed the referee’s, Canuck team defense and Roberto Luongo for his anger.

The Calgary Stampede is experiencing record attendance for the Rodeo events with a spokesman saying more people are watching this BS than tuned into the Alberta election debates.

The Calgary Stampede has decided to omit the French lyrics from the singing of the national anthem saying it is like waving a red flag in front of a bull.

NDP leader Thomas Mulcair attended the Stampede and immediately denounced the event saying it was contributing to a decline in attendance for national tourism citing the reduced numbers in this year’s St. John Baptise celebrations.

The Calgary Stampeders lost QB Drew Tate for the season when he dislocated his shoulder falling down. Calgary fans were heartened to see the injury come so early in the season so they won’t have to wait until the last week to be out of the playoffs like the Flames.

The Conservative government's decision to pull out of the Kyoto Protocol was legal, and it wasn't obliged to consult Parliament before doing it, the federal court has ruled. However the court found they do have an obligation to find a new national sport now that global warming will reduce ice to a quaint memory.

The Lifesaving Society says new Canadians face a higher risk of drowning than people who were born in Canada. The Society says changes in parenting have made it socially unacceptable to just throw your 4 year old in the water and tell them to swim, so fewer kids have that advantage later in life.

Pamela Anderson of Baywatch fame is calling on the Alberta Government to ban Chuckwagon races after the deaths of 3 horses during the Calgary Stampede. A spokesman for Alpo Dog food agreed saying horses that pull Chuckwagons are too stringy for their gourmet canine meals.

Toronto Argos kicker Noel Prefontaine is having hip surgery that could end his career. This has caused Pam Anderson has called on the Prime Minister to end football as she is convinced kicking a pigskin caused his injury.

The CFL is considering adding the Franchise tag to their player’s contracts. It will be similar to the NFL where the player is deemed to be valuable to the franchise, only the CFL will designate one player who eats the most at franchise restaurants, thus saving the team money.

The Canadian Olympic team began arriving in London for the 2012 Olympics this week. First to arrive were swimmers and divers who need the extra time to acclimatize to the rain.

UFC is coming to Calgary this weekend, but they are hard pressed to sell tickets. Compared to the nightly brawls at the Stampede to get a taxi the UFC will seem cute,

After listening to objections from Pam Anderson the Saskatchewan Roughriders are considering letting Gainer Gopher return to his natural habitat. Anderson a BC native was sickened by the display of Gainer as her hometown team was beaten and suggested the Riders adopt a more humane mascot like Leo the defanged, declawed de-balled Lion.

As punishment for former coach Jerry Sandusky using his children’s charity to molest young boys, the NCAA has decreed Penn State University should give $60 million to children’s charities.

The NY Rangers have landed former Columbus Blue Jacket star Rick Nash for what has been described as a few spare parts. This has infuriated Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke who has denounced the trade saying the players they offered were way more mediocre.

Winnipeg QB Buck Pierce is once again out of the line-up with and injury. Team officials say he is taking it easy and is expected to be available for injury in a couple of weeks.

The 2012 Olympic Games in London is cracking down on anyone using the 2012 Olympic Games in London for financial gain which makes me glad I write jokes because no one can accuse me of making any money, especially the GF.

The UFC is apologizing to Calgary for charging outrageous prices to watch a fight card that was filled with grown men hugging each other for 5 rounds. In related news the UFC has announced a new sponsor for their next great show, Manlove.com.

The next UFC fight card in Calgary will be better promised kingpin Dana white saying they already are in talks with a PETA spokesman and Calgary Stampede promoter to have a fierce 5 round debate on calf roping as the main event.

The NHL and NHLPA have agreed to resume talks aimed at ending the season with spokesmen for both sides saying if they don’t talk there will be nothing they can disagree with.

BC Premier Chrissy Clarke says Alberta oil can only flow through her Province if there is a sweetening of the deal. Included in her demands are royalties, 24 hour spill response teams and 2 - 1st round NHL draft picks from Edmonton and Calgary.

It was tough watching PGA player Adam Scott bogy the last 4 holes to lose the British Open but not as tough as watching the Saskatchewan Roughriders tee up a win for the Calgary Stampeders. Asked what went wrong the Riders Head Coach was at a loss, like the team.