Meat the Leafs

Top 10 Cringe Worthy Moments from the 2008 Beijing Olympics

# 10 Canadian Tai Kwon Do competitor getting robbed in a preliminary match due to poor refereeing

# 9 Cuban Tai Kwon Do competitor putting his foot down against poor refereeing

# 8 The way the camera made it look like Michael Phelps lost the 8^th gold medal race

# 7 A Turkish Wrestler putting his money where his medal is about the refereeing

# 6 Athletes who apologize for losing

# 5 When a former Gold Medal athlete is re-outed on Prime Time TV

# 4 Seeing male sports commentators suddenly become experts on the age of young girls

# 3 Being awed by the way China created the alchemists dream of turning lead into Gold Medals

# 2 Watching the false start in the men’s 100 meter hurdles competition

And the # 1 Cringe Worthy Moment from the 2008 Beijing Olympics....

Seeing the IOC Delegates pour fawning words to their Chinese hosts at the closing ceremony while publicly criticizing Games superstar Usain Bolt for his celebrations...

The Calgary Flames held a press conference to introduce their newest additions to the team. The most intimidating appears to be 7 year old Tad Bertuzzi who rode shotgun for his dad Todd.

Todd made a point of asking fans to just leave his family out of any grievances they have against his past and then posed for pictures of Tad for the front cover of the morning papers.

Now that it is all over and China has captured the most Gold Medals it just once again confirms that children are our greatest resource... so start mining them early....

As Toronto Argonauts coach Rich Stu(m?)bler tries to shock life into his team with the release of popular veteran Orlando Steinhauer and trade of QB Michael Bishop I’m reminded of trying to give my 1973 Chev Bel Aire a boost in -40 weather.

At the start of the year everyone in Saskatchewan was worried about the quarterback position but it has turned out well with a 6-2 record and each of the 5 QB's who have seen game action appear able to lead the team.

With over half of the original receiving core out of commission and only having days to learn the offense instead of a playbook on his wrist new QB Michael Bishop is going to use a stick to draw up plays in the huddle.

According to his family the triple by-pass former Boston Red Sox slugger Carl Yastrzemski received was his real triple crown.

The skill, teamwork and coordination displayed by the inmates during an impossible breakout at the Regina jail can only mean the worst... the inmates are in possession of a Roughriders play book.

Maybe the Regina Police can use the Services of the Saskatchewan Roughrider in apprehending the escapees as they appear to have got the man they were looking for in Bishop.

This is a big week for adjusting the team salaries in the CFL as veteran players will be guaranteed pay for the rest of the year, salary cap deadlines are enforced and many back to school coupons expire.

The Brazilian Soccer Federation admitted they are a year behind schedule building the stadium for the 2010 World Cup but feel things will get back on track once their labour pool returns from the Beijing Games.

The LPGA is advising players they must have a conversational level of English in order to remain on tour. This leaves Prime Minister of Canada as one of the last jobs available to a person with little ability in English.

After hearing Maple Leaf hot dogs were making people sick I can’t be the only one who thought of Mats Sundin.

This is a rare case of the namesake company causing more severe choking than the original.

Someone has to say it... because the headline says it all...: “Maple Leaf fails to meat expectations”

The coincidence between the two companies is eerie... #1 has a wise grey haired man attempting damage control by taking apart the contaminated pieces and performing a thorough cleaning... #2 has a wise grey haired man pulling old stock off the shelves, even if it still has some value and taking a hit against earnings...

#1 is committed to restoring the integrity of a Toronto Icon... # 2 is looking at the farm as the problem...

# 1 is saying they will not listen to professional advice from lawyers... #2 is sorry and will now listen to professional advice...

Judge not....

With a new Canadian porn channel coming to TV Saturday will soon be Hooker Night in Canada.

61 year old Ian Millar won silver in the equestrian team competition justifying the Canadians youth movement.

With McDonalds helping our children our next Olympic motto won’t be Higher, Faster Stronger but rather Huger, Fatter, and Smellier.

An awkward moment when Ron Maclean asked swimmer Mark Tewksbury about being gay and Mark then commenting Ron looked better in his leather chaps the night before.

First out of the blocks on the 100 metre butt coving race is former Vancouver Canucks coach Marc Crawford but Todd Bertuzzi and the rest of the management team will be looking to make up ground.

The NHL is incensed with the way the new Russian Hockey League is poaching players saying they should respect the integrity of International greats such as Alan Eggalson.

With Toronto Blue Jays GM JP Richardi taking away Canada’s top pitcher before the Olympics he now can lay claim to managing 2 teams out of the playoffs in 1 year.

What is more surprising the Chinese using an underage gymnast or a female allowing anyone to add 2 years to her age?

After the failures of Canada’s Perdita Felicien and China’s Liu Xiang it appears the pressure of a nation is the most difficult hurdle to overcome.

Top 3 signs the Olympic judges may be biased towards the Chinese

# 3 Gives an extra point to the Chinese boxer for “artistic impression”

# 2 Justifies his marks by saying “1.2 billion people can’t be wrong”

# 1 Chinese officials constantly reminding judges they invented gunpowder

Most
Canadians can relate to Olympic Tri-Athlete Simon Whittaker as we are always trying to pay our bills, trying to maintain our weight and trying to keep our jobs.

I like to learn the scoring for sports I know nothing about. After watching a Tai Kwon Do woman’s match it seems the one that gets kicked the most wins.

Tai Kwon Do is an old Olympic word meaning to judge blindly.

Higher, Faster, Nap Time!

Not sure who has the most moral victories a preacher in a Los Vegas brothel or the Canadian Olympic team.

With CBS using delays in the PGA to show re-runs of previous Tiger Woods victories it was one of the only tournaments officials have prayed for rain.

After years of effort commitment and sacrifice Canadian swimmer Brian Johns made it to the final in his discipline and finished 7^th. After he came out of the pool the CBC reporter rushed up to him and asked “Do you think Michael Phelps could win 8 gold medals?” Other questions the reporter considered asking were “If Michael Phelps was a tree what kind would he be?”, “Does the water feel different when Michael Phelps is in it?”, and “How many Michael Phelps does it take to change a light bulb?”

It’s ironic that the Australians dominate the water events, the Cubans are great on the beach and yet the US isn’t the best on the shooting range.

It’s a tossup as to what gets an American announcer more excited when a swimmer wins a gold medal or when a gymnast blows a dismount.

Which picture of Canadian youth was more accurate the one of Olympic athletes struggling to keep up with the best in the world or the McDonalds commercial of them stuffing themselves?

This just in Michael Phelps may have gills and fins, stay tuned.

Olympic volleyball player Dyke from Holland is the Canadian equivalent of being named Barry from Saskatoon, Bud from BC or Dick from Toronto.

A riot raged out of control in Montreal this week until officials advised the public the game they saw on TV was a replay of the playoff victory by the Montreal Canadians.

American swimmer Katie Hoff made history when she lost her race by not extending her hand at the end the first time an American swimmer didn’t give the competition the finger.

Parts of the Beijing Olympic Opening Ceremony was pre recorded with the discovery coming when close inspection revealed it had been taped over an earlier Super Bowl pre-game run-through.

In an effort to avoid negative distractions the Canadian Olympic athletes should follow the Chinese lead and block all the websites and news coverage coming out of Canada.

Brett Favre says his arm is fatigued not from practicing but pointing fingers at the people responsible for his leaving Green Bay.

It is reported US swimmer Michael Phelps is double jointed thus giving him the same kind of advantage as Canadian snowboarder Ross Rebagliati.

More stunning news on the scandal involving the Chinese singer in the opening ceremony as it is now reported the words were sung by Brittany Spears and the little girl was actually Mini Me in drag.

Canadian fencer Sherraine Schalm was suddenly kicked out of her Hungarian training camp just before the Olympics and after losing to a former training partner let loose with a string of F-Bombs at the team a clear case of Hungarian Girl Lash.

Top 3 signs the Olympic gymnast is underage

# 3 When she finishes her routine and sticks a finger in the air it doesn’t mean we’re # 1 it means I have to pee.

# 2 Pre competition advice includes keeping toes pointed, sticking the landing and not taking candy from strangers.

# 1 Sponsors lining up for endorsements include Gerber’s, Pampers and Toys R Us.

By far and away the best synchronized diving has come from the soccer pitch.

Volunteers for the Canadian Briar in Calgary are being asked to pay $100 which shows how deep the hog line is becoming.

To save up the $100 most curling fans will now have to give their grandkids $5 instead of $10 for their birthday.

There was a strange development on the shooting range, when the athletes from Georgia and Russia were disqualified after shooting each other’s targets.

Tigers Tanks

Former TSN reporter Leif Petterson died last week giving the sports channel a diversion from talking about Jesse Lumsden.

After seeing the injury plagued Roughriders win their 6th game in a row you have to wonder if watermelons are a performance enhancer.

With the next game in less than a week both the Roughriders and Stampeders flew out quickly after their game with Calgary using Air Canada and Regina chartering an Air Ambulance.

An Arkansas man has paid over $1.5 million for a Honus Wagner baseball card and said later it made the coolest noise in his bike spokes.

Nike says it has found numerous violations in workers conditions in one of their factories in Malaysia and plans to move the factory to China where these kind of conditions won’t be reported.

The offer of $20 million to Brett Favre to not lob bombs is second only to the amount the International Community gave North Korea.

Not sure what was my favourite part of X-Games the skateboarding, the motorcycle stunts or the Mini Me sex tape.

Officials are baffled by the appearance of human feet in numerous places in North America including BC shores, Washington State Beaches and in the mouth of Green Bay Packers GM Ted Thompson.

Olympic athlete Kyle Shewfelt and his girlfriend broke up just before he left for Beijing after he received the dreaded Dear Jung letter.

It is so hot at the Beijing Games that despite losing their first game the US Women’s soccer team still ripped off their shirts.

A Boston Red Sox fan is suing the NY Yankee organization after being harassed while cheering for his team at Yankee Stadium. This is the first case of a Boston fan being harassed in NY since last time they played.

Former Minnesota Wild defenseman Sean Hill has signed with a Swiss team and announced the news by saying it was about time.

A former “Lost Boy” of the Sudan will be the flag bearer for the US Olympic team beating out the 2004 Olympic Basketball team or the boys who lost.

Top 3 signs you may not win a medal at the Oplymics
# 3 The Viagra you took for a performance enhancer kept you up all night
# 2 You started performing when the triple jump was called the hop, skip and jump
# 1 Your trap shooting coach is Dick Cheney

Top 3 signs the athlete may not be a woman
# 3 Her nickname is bag of marbles
# 2 Constantly complaining about her 4 o’clock shadow
# 1 Wins her race by an Adams Apple

TSN (Toronto Sports Network) is said to be creating a new network called TSN2. The programs will focus on events from the past including This week in Maple Leafs history, This month in Maple Leafs history and this year in Maple Leafs history.

A mould is wiping out old tapes around the world and sporting historians are worried they will not be able to save film from the last Chicago Cubs World Series win, Toronto Maple Leafs last Stanley Cup triumph or the New England Patriots special edition Super Bowl run-through.

This week the Chinese Tiger will host the Olympics, the USA’s Tiger will miss the PGA Open and thanks to George Bush it will cost $1.40 a litre to put a tiger in your tank.

Members of the US Olympic basketball team say they are really looking forward to going to China because now they can find out what the characters they tattooed on their body really mean.

4 Down time

The Chicago White Sox say they coveted Ken Griffey Jr. for a long time but had to wait until a spot opened up on their injured reserved.

A report says the Green Bay Packers offered Brett Favre $20 million to not play this year surpassing the previous record for payment without playing held by North Korea.

Huston Rockets centre Yao Ming says he is not concerned about the acquisition of Ron Artest and in fact has brought him back some Chinese toys as a welcoming gift.

Hall of Fame quarterback Warren Moon has been found guilty of negligent driving and has the option of spending 2 days in jail, 5 days being electronically monitored or a attending a barbecue with Matt Dunigan.

Now that NBA referee Tim Donaghy has been sentenced to 15 months for fixing games the only over/under left for him is the choice of bunk beds.

The Little League World Series has adopted instant replay for controversial calls such as home runs, fair or foul balls and legitimacy of birth certificates.

Not sure what will scare LA Dodgers fans more being in the stadium during an earthquake or when Manny Ramirez settles under a fly ball.

The Write Stiff

The King of Egypt has created a Peace Camp for survivors of war torn countries to play sports and should not be confused to NFL players who like a piece during camp.

With Michelle Wie being disqualified for not signing her score card it pretty well confirms she doesn’t have the write stuff.

Interesting call during the Roughrider-Argonauts game where upon further review the refs decided to give the ball to the Roughies and assure themselves a path back to their hotel.

If the Riders can lose a couple more quarterbacks and star receivers they could go undefeated.

At the end of the Canadian Open Police tackled the trainer of the winning golfer as he was spraying champagne over him. This was an honest mistake as Toronto Police are unfamiliar with how to handle a celebration.

The Roughriders have had their last 2 home games interrupted by a lightning storm which has to have some magic in it because they keep pulling quarterbacks out of their hat.

What a week Brett Favre retires and now wants to play, Mats Sundin hasn’t retired but doesn’t want to play and Manny Ramirez is playing like he’s retired.

Scientists say it will soon be possible to live to 150 years which will mean we go to school until we are 30, marry when we are 70 but will still have to retire from professional hockey before Chris Chelios.

One of the benefits of living to 150 is their will be a chance fans may see the Toronto Maple Leafs win a Stanley Cup in their lifetime.

I’m not sure which sounds more fun rear ending Dancia Patrick or finding out she’s hot for me afterwards.

Top 3 Signs your NHL arbitration hearing is getting nasty...

#3 Team says 25 of your goals were “fluky”

#2 You’re asking for a $1 million raise and the team wants a refund

# 1 Team hires Simon Cowell to discuss your shortcomings

Before Payton Manning and another Indianapolis Colt were sidelined with the condition I thought a Bursa Sac was an exceptional play by a defensive lineman named Bubba Bursa.

Religious leaders in BC are asking the question “Would Jesus rope a calf?” in protest to Rodeo events. Other sermons being considered are...

“Would Lots wife turn to a pillar of salt on an NBA road trip?”

“Could Moses part the algae from the Chinese sailing venue?”

“If Max Mosley gets slapped does he turn the other cheek?”

By calling up Canadian pitcher Scott Richmond for a meaningless Blue Jays game and thus making him ineligible for the Olympics, manager JP Riccardi confirmed Dick isn’t just for people named Richard.

Top 3 signs your NFL draft pick got a free pass in College

#3 Hopes to double his signing bonus by sending it to a Nigerian Oil Minister

#2 Needed 3 tries to get his name right on the contract

#1 Says he will play in the CFL if his contract demands are not met

Bench warrants look

With Buck Peirce, Dave Dickenson, Michael Bishop, Kevin Glenn and Marcus Crandal all on the bench this must be the first year the back-up quarterbacks combined make more than the CFL salary cap.

Asked how the Riders won the game Riders coach said “well Durant ran ran yes Durant ran...” And yes that joke was despite the earlier warning from Cam about Duran Duran references...

The only people that don’t want to see Darian Durant play against Kerry Joseph this week is Marcus Crandal’s family and they are split...

The Federal Government is moving to remove the availability of 40 year mortgages saying NHL teams should be able to sign a player to shorter terms.

The Canadian media is puzzled by all the US networks devoting so much time covering Barack Obama because from all reports they can see no connection between him and Mats Sundin.

I guess it is a pretty straight up transaction when TSN obtained Canada’s second national anthem and CBC acquired Mike Millbury a second rate anathema from TSN

In what may be a first the Green Bay Packers will hoist Brett Favres jersey to the rafters with him still in it.

Twenty five years ago Kansas City Royals George Brett was involved in the famous pine tar incident and to celebrate the day Tour de France officials have decided to tar and feather the latest riders caught cheating.

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman says he should be given credit for keeping the team in Nashville and if he does will be the only person involved in the deal that had credit.

Awkward moment during the MLS All Star game press conference when David Beckham was asked if he thinks Mats Sundin should sign with Vancouver

Interesting toast by F1 head Max Mosley after he won his privacy suit in an English court, “Bottoms Up!”