The only thing better than watching sports, is making fun of the people involved!
Week of May 28/07
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Tank Johnson of the Chicago Bears reportedly spent a small fortune on junk food during his stay in jail. I'm sure if he would have asked nicely he could have got free beef sticks from honey buns.
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LeBron James scored 29 of his teams last 30 points causing Kobe Bryant to question his decision to pass the ball once.
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Headline in Los Angles: What is Kobe's Beef?
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Michelle Wie withdrew from the Ginn Tribute Golf Tournament after being 14 over after 16 holes. This saved her from being in violation of the 88 rule that states players must shoot better than the average 88 year old.
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The early over under line on the length of a possible sentence for Rick Tochet is 2.5.
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Does Anaheim Ducks goalie J.S. Gigure look in the mirror and wonder if the equipment makes his ass look fat?
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Jason Giambi of the New York Yankees is rumored to have failed a test for amphetamines. Officials were alerted when he was seen watching the TV show 60 minutes in just 32.
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Cloverdale B.C. Canada has banned wild cow milking, calf roping and steer wrestling from upcoming rodeos. In their place they now have soy bean picking, wild hemp roping and will require the Cowboys to wrestle with their inner child.
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Calgary is updating its 2007 Stampede to include a mad rush for a $500.00 2-bedroom apartment.
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Jesse Palmer has retired from the Montreal Alouettes thus making him the first bachelor to leave Montreal without throwing a pass.
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Jim Balsillie of RIM has officially tendered a $220 million offer to take over the Nashville Predators. Terms of the deal are $100 million in cash and the balance in a cheap text message plan.
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Cincinnati Bengals coach Marvin Lewis has accused police of profiling during recent arrests saying “they know if they stop an NFL player chances are he’s packing.”
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Los Angles Dodgers have implemented an “All you can eat” section in their stadium. Patrons have been named the “cardiac arrest kids”. The saying “batter up” will now signal the start of an inning and the arrival of a new batch of corn dogs.
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Bjarne Rils became the first Tour de France winner to admit to using performance enhancing drugs thus forever staining the yellow jersey.
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Dario Franchitti is the second Scotsman to win the Indy 500 and even better, the rain shortened event saved him a few bucks on gas.
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Seeing Dancia Patrick get trapped behind lapped drivers makes me wonder what kind of guy doesn’t accept a pass from her.
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Wonder if the athletes at the Hypo Meeting in Australia get needled a lot?
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Daisuke Matsuzaka of the Boston Red Sox left a game complaining of nausea or as the Japanese call it pulling a Bushuro.
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Does Anaheim Ducks goalie J.S. Gigure look in the mirror and wonder if the equipment makes his ass look fat?
.
Jason Giambi of the New York Yankees is rumored to have failed a test for amphetamines. Officials were alerted when he was seen watching the TV show 60 minutes in just 32.
.
Cloverdale B.C. Canada has banned wild cow milking, calf roping and steer wrestling from upcoming rodeos. In their place they now have soy bean picking, wild hemp roping and will require the Cowboys to wrestle with their inner child.
.
Calgary is updating its 2007 Stampede to include a mad rush for a $500.00 2-bedroom apartment.
.
Jesse Palmer has retired from the Montreal Alouettes thus making him the first bachelor to leave Montreal without throwing a pass.
.
Jim Balsillie of RIM has officially tendered a $220 million offer to take over the Nashville Predators. Terms of the deal are $100 million in cash and the balance in a cheap text message plan.
.
Cincinnati Bengals coach Marvin Lewis has accused police of profiling during recent arrests saying “they know if they stop an NFL player chances are he’s packing.”
.
Los Angles Dodgers have implemented an “All you can eat” section in their stadium. Patrons have been named the “cardiac arrest kids”. The saying “batter up” will now signal the start of an inning and the arrival of a new batch of corn dogs.
.
Bjarne Rils became the first Tour de France winner to admit to using performance enhancing drugs thus forever staining the yellow jersey.
.
Dario Franchitti is the second Scotsman to win the Indy 500 and even better, the rain shortened event saved him a few bucks on gas.
.
Seeing Dancia Patrick get trapped behind lapped drivers makes me wonder what kind of guy doesn’t accept a pass from her.
.
Wonder if the athletes at the Hypo Meeting in Australia get needled a lot?
.
Daisuke Matsuzaka of the Boston Red Sox left a game complaining of nausea or as the Japanese call it pulling a Bushuro.
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NHL comissioner Gary Bettman was quoted in the LA Dailiy News as saying the NHL’s coverage on TV is “We are what we are”. He then said “I am what I am” ate a can of spinach and left in search of Olive Oil.
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David Kircus was granted permission to play for the Denver Bronco’s after passing a lie detector test saying he wasn’t at fault in a fight. The 12 witnesses that saw the incident were not tested because not one of them could run the 40 in under 4.6 seconds.
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Paying $24 million for Roger Clemmons to pitch for a team that is 14 games below 500 is like giving Viagra to a corpse.
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74 year old LA Lakers owner Jerry Buss was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. His 23 year old female passenger was released into the custody of her parents.
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The six US tennis players that lost on Tuesday at the French open are blaming the poor showing on too many “Freedom Fries”. This is the greatest number of US casualties abroad since, well the day before.
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Quinton (Rampage) Jackson beat Chuck (The Iceman) Liddell for the UFC championship in a (New York) minute. Charges the fight was fixed were quickly dismissed by referee Hulk Hogan.
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If God could create the world in 6 days, couldn’t the NHL start a playoff series in 7?
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You just know the NHL is getting no respect when Arnold Schwarzenegger calls Hockey Night in Canada's Don Cherry a “Girlie Man”.
NHL comissioner Gary Bettman was quoted in the LA Dailiy News as saying the NHL’s coverage on TV is “We are what we are”. He then said “I am what I am” ate a can of spinach and left in search of Olive Oil.
.
David Kircus was granted permission to play for the Denver Bronco’s after passing a lie detector test saying he wasn’t at fault in a fight. The 12 witnesses that saw the incident were not tested because not one of them could run the 40 in under 4.6 seconds.
.
Paying $24 million for Roger Clemmons to pitch for a team that is 14 games below 500 is like giving Viagra to a corpse.
.
74 year old LA Lakers owner Jerry Buss was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. His 23 year old female passenger was released into the custody of her parents.
.
The six US tennis players that lost on Tuesday at the French open are blaming the poor showing on too many “Freedom Fries”. This is the greatest number of US casualties abroad since, well the day before.
.
Quinton (Rampage) Jackson beat Chuck (The Iceman) Liddell for the UFC championship in a (New York) minute. Charges the fight was fixed were quickly dismissed by referee Hulk Hogan.
.
If God could create the world in 6 days, couldn’t the NHL start a playoff series in 7?
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You just know the NHL is getting no respect when Arnold Schwarzenegger calls Hockey Night in Canada's Don Cherry a “Girlie Man”.
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Week of May 21/07
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Only the Stanley Cup could get people from Alberta to cheer for un-elected Senators.
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Owen Hargreaves signing with Manchester United is the biggest soccer story in Canada since Toronto FC scored a goal. I thought signing a player that scored less than 10 goals for $125,000 a week was a Toronto Maple Leafs copyright.
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Reacting to the outrage of NHL fans for turning away from the Ottawa-Buffalo overtime to broadcast the Preakness pre race show, an NBC spokesperson was quoted as saying “I thought Canadians liked Curlin”.
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Not sure if Sam Mitchell’s new contract with the Raptors is 3 years with an option for 4 or 3 years that will seem like 4.
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I have a gut feeling about the new couch potato exercise equipment, the Matt Stairs Master.
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Someone should tell Michel Vick “It’s a dog eat dog world” is just a saying. His lawyer is going to take the defense that Michel didn’t know “who let the dogs out”.
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The girlfriend of Cincinnati Bengals linebacker A.J. Nicholson says he is innocent of assault as she hit herself with a cell phone not A. J. This was quickly confirmed by both Naomi Campbell and Russell Crowe.
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Not sure who is going to grow up tougher, a boy named Sue or one named Wacey Rabbit.
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Norwegian Police seized 175,000 pills and capsules of illegal performance enhancing drugs setting back both criminal elements and the premier screening of Rocky Balboa.
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Top 5 signs the Vancouver Olympics is over budget
#5 Organizers using psychics to determine opening day
#4 California seeking injunction to have "runaway" games played in Hollywood.
#3 Still working on the Zen designs for the porta-potties
#2 The athletes village will be catered by Iron Chef Bobby Flay
And the #1 sign the Vancouver Olympics is over budget…
The natural grass at most venues is going for $300.00 per ounce
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With cell companies AT&T and Sprint fighting over the rights to advertise on Jeff Burtons car it came right down to the wireless.
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Chris Pronger is upset with the Canadian media for influencing NHL officials in the suspension for his head shot on Thomas Holstrom. “The only person that should be influencing my hockey career is my wife”.
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When you see lying, blackmailing and tales of sexual abuse on TV, it’s either a Desperate Housewives season finale or cycling drug trial.
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Meseret Defar of Ethiopia won the woman’s 2 mile race in record time despite throwing up 2 or 3 times just prior to the race. She acknowledges it was her own fault saying she should have put her modeling career on hold until after the race.
.
Treasure hunters announced a discovery of over $500 million dollars in gold coin or as Roger Clemmons calls it “chump change”.
.
Owen Hargreaves signing with Manchester United is the biggest soccer story in Canada since Toronto FC scored a goal. I thought signing a player that scored less than 10 goals for $125,000 a week was a Toronto Maple Leafs copyright.
.
Reacting to the outrage of NHL fans for turning away from the Ottawa-Buffalo overtime to broadcast the Preakness pre race show, an NBC spokesperson was quoted as saying “I thought Canadians liked Curlin”.
.
Not sure if Sam Mitchell’s new contract with the Raptors is 3 years with an option for 4 or 3 years that will seem like 4.
.
I have a gut feeling about the new couch potato exercise equipment, the Matt Stairs Master.
.
Someone should tell Michel Vick “It’s a dog eat dog world” is just a saying. His lawyer is going to take the defense that Michel didn’t know “who let the dogs out”.
.
The girlfriend of Cincinnati Bengals linebacker A.J. Nicholson says he is innocent of assault as she hit herself with a cell phone not A. J. This was quickly confirmed by both Naomi Campbell and Russell Crowe.
.
Not sure who is going to grow up tougher, a boy named Sue or one named Wacey Rabbit.
.
Norwegian Police seized 175,000 pills and capsules of illegal performance enhancing drugs setting back both criminal elements and the premier screening of Rocky Balboa.
.
Top 5 signs the Vancouver Olympics is over budget
#5 Organizers using psychics to determine opening day
#4 California seeking injunction to have "runaway" games played in Hollywood.
#3 Still working on the Zen designs for the porta-potties
#2 The athletes village will be catered by Iron Chef Bobby Flay
And the #1 sign the Vancouver Olympics is over budget…
The natural grass at most venues is going for $300.00 per ounce
.
With cell companies AT&T and Sprint fighting over the rights to advertise on Jeff Burtons car it came right down to the wireless.
.
Chris Pronger is upset with the Canadian media for influencing NHL officials in the suspension for his head shot on Thomas Holstrom. “The only person that should be influencing my hockey career is my wife”.
.
When you see lying, blackmailing and tales of sexual abuse on TV, it’s either a Desperate Housewives season finale or cycling drug trial.
.
Meseret Defar of Ethiopia won the woman’s 2 mile race in record time despite throwing up 2 or 3 times just prior to the race. She acknowledges it was her own fault saying she should have put her modeling career on hold until after the race.
.
Treasure hunters announced a discovery of over $500 million dollars in gold coin or as Roger Clemmons calls it “chump change”.
.
Week of May 14/07
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Rafael Nadal is now the most accomplished tennis player on clay courts. This was the most impressive feat of clay since Jimmy Connors refusal to marry Chrissie Everett.
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Roger Federer says he will not hire a coach for the French Open and Wimbledon tennis championships. He got the idea of not having a real coach from Lou Lamoriello of the New Jersey Devils.
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In keeping with the secrecy surrounding player injuries the Toronto Blue Jays are calling the removal of Doc Halladay’s appendix an “out of body” injury.
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Georgia woman’s golf coach Todd McCorkle resigned after apparently showing a sexually explicit video of Paris Hilton to the team. In his defense Todd said he meant to show a video of Hilton Head Golf Course.
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Thieves stole some of the most prized boxing souvenirs of Canadian Shawn O’Sullivan recently including rings, trophies and the hopes and dreams of all Ireland.
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Roger Clement agreed to a $28 million dollar one year contract with the NY Yankees. While saying money wasn’t the reason he decided to sign, he did say it was the reason he gets out of bed in the morning.
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With smoke pouring out of his engine Jeff Gordon not only won the race he is now the leading candidate to be the new driver for Snoop Dog Racing.
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Eva Longoria of Desperate Housewives has banished her fiancée Tony Parker to the couch until after the NBA playoffs. Eva says he will stay on the perimeter until his inside game improves.
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Steve Nash of the Phoenix Suns got a head butt, knee to the groin and forearm shiver in recent games with the San Antonio Spurs. I can’t wait to see Tim Duncan deliver his flying suplex pile driver from the turnbuckle next.
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72 year old actress Sophia Loren said she will do a striptease if her football team Napoli is promoted to the top flight this season. At 72 being a sex symbol might be a bit of a stretch.
.
Roger Federer says he will not hire a coach for the French Open and Wimbledon tennis championships. He got the idea of not having a real coach from Lou Lamoriello of the New Jersey Devils.
.
In keeping with the secrecy surrounding player injuries the Toronto Blue Jays are calling the removal of Doc Halladay’s appendix an “out of body” injury.
.
Georgia woman’s golf coach Todd McCorkle resigned after apparently showing a sexually explicit video of Paris Hilton to the team. In his defense Todd said he meant to show a video of Hilton Head Golf Course.
.
Thieves stole some of the most prized boxing souvenirs of Canadian Shawn O’Sullivan recently including rings, trophies and the hopes and dreams of all Ireland.
.
Roger Clement agreed to a $28 million dollar one year contract with the NY Yankees. While saying money wasn’t the reason he decided to sign, he did say it was the reason he gets out of bed in the morning.
.
With smoke pouring out of his engine Jeff Gordon not only won the race he is now the leading candidate to be the new driver for Snoop Dog Racing.
.
Eva Longoria of Desperate Housewives has banished her fiancée Tony Parker to the couch until after the NBA playoffs. Eva says he will stay on the perimeter until his inside game improves.
.
Steve Nash of the Phoenix Suns got a head butt, knee to the groin and forearm shiver in recent games with the San Antonio Spurs. I can’t wait to see Tim Duncan deliver his flying suplex pile driver from the turnbuckle next.
.
72 year old actress Sophia Loren said she will do a striptease if her football team Napoli is promoted to the top flight this season. At 72 being a sex symbol might be a bit of a stretch.
.
Week of May 7/07
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In honour of the new “Birth Mothers Day” the NBA is declaring June to be “Unknown Fathers Month”.
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After watching Floyd Mayweather run away from Oscar De La Hoya, I think he should lend his cut man to Steve Nash.
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Turns out the person that probably uttered the profanities towards the French Canadian linesman was Slovakian Ladislav Nagy. When informed of this Bloc Québécois leader Gilles Duceppe demanded the removal of all foreign players from Quebec, especially those who are Canadian born.
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Youtube has a new video out that is similar to the 7 minute Sopranos. It combines all the Toronto Maple Leaf playoff victories over the last 40 years and is called 7 seconds of heaven.
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Queen Elizabeth paid a visit to the Kentucky Derby but said she wasn’t nearly as good at picking nags as Charles was.
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After watching Floyd Mayweather run away from Oscar De La Hoya, I think he should lend his cut man to Steve Nash.
.
Turns out the person that probably uttered the profanities towards the French Canadian linesman was Slovakian Ladislav Nagy. When informed of this Bloc Québécois leader Gilles Duceppe demanded the removal of all foreign players from Quebec, especially those who are Canadian born.
.
Youtube has a new video out that is similar to the 7 minute Sopranos. It combines all the Toronto Maple Leaf playoff victories over the last 40 years and is called 7 seconds of heaven.
.
Queen Elizabeth paid a visit to the Kentucky Derby but said she wasn’t nearly as good at picking nags as Charles was.
.
