A spineless dick

A spokesman for the NFL players Association says the owners are not fully disclosing the amount of revenue the NFL receives. A spokesman for the owners disagreed saying they have declared everything except some Unobtanium they got during a pre-season game in Pandora.

The NFL says teams can’t provide the information the union wants as most of the owners have other jobs and they are busy foreclosing on widows and orphans.

Free agent defensive tackle Adriano Belli is deciding whether to play for Toronto or Hamilton. Belli says the teams have offered similar contracts although Toronto has tossed in a few more smackers.

Profanity laced comic Tom Green joined former NHL players on a trip to visit soldiers in Kandahar. The comic was asked to be sensitive to the NHL players as most of them haven’t let out a good string of expletives in years.

Monday was International Women’s Day and the NBA celebrated by having players hook up with women from all over the world. Reports from the communications department say most players were willing to sacrifice themselves for a worthy cause although a few of the players reported they celebrate women every day.

Reports out of the Miami Heat locker room say there were many players crying after the loss to Chicago. The team was brought back to reality when the Cheerleaders came into the room and told them to man up.

Top 5 reasons for NBA players to cry in the locker room
# 5 Not enough groupies for everyone
# 4 Hookers levying a surcharge for babysitters
# 3 Player was just traded to Toronto
# 2 Price of oil is way up and they sold their shares in Exxon
And the #1 reason for NBA players to cry in the locker room
Another baby mommy waiting outside the door

A Canadian Cabinet Minister is being trashed for providing an award certificate on party letterhead to a Chinese restaurant. This is like New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie getting a World’s Greatest Dad T-Shirt from Planned Parenthood.

The Phoenix Coyotes story keeps getting better with the Goldwater Institute threatening to sue if taxpayers’ money is used to help purchase the team. A spokesman for the NHL was upbeat saying the $100 million is not a problem it’s that the parties involved can’t seem to get their Blackberry calendars to synch so they can have a meeting.

Saskatchewan is having a problem with rats, beavers and gophers and has authorized a program to remove or eradicate the rodents. A spokesman for the Calgary Stampeders say they will try to help the next time the Riders come to town and with luck can trap a really big gopher.

A GTA company is one of three companies being sued by Louis Vuitton and Burberry — alleging they are making knock-offs of designer products. They are alleging people copied their hand bags, shopping bags and in the case of Brian Burke, French windbags.

Three-time Canadian pairs figure skating champions Jessica Dube and Bryce Davison are ending their partnership. A spokesman for the pair says they decided to give being single a spin.

Researchers say in a report that lost DNA led human males to have spineless penis and big brains. This is confirmed by most women involved with NBA players who say the men they see are spineless dicks who think they have big brains. Having a spineless penis is a characteristic of humans unlike apes who have a spikey spined penis that allows for more competition among males. This type of penis is used to remove other men’s sperm from females. This is known in the NBA as a rejected shot.