Money for Nothing

The Canadian Government is going back to their roots by re-naming the Canadian Military, The Royal Canadian Armed Forces. In an attempt to capture the excitement the Toronto Maple Leafs say they will now refer to GM Brian Burke as the Royal Pain in the Ass.

Quebec police are investigating after a small-town mayor reportedly dumped a gigantic 20 ton boulder onto the lawn of his ex-wife with birthday wishes for her spray painted on the rock. Police are investigating and believe charges may be issued as part of the message was in English thus contravening the Provinces language laws.

The rock is huge and no one remembers seeing one as big since Kobe Bryant apologized to his wife for cheating on her.

The B.C. SPCA is asking for the public's help in identifying two people suspected of dumping three kittens into a garbage can on Vancouver Island. The public is outraged and will not tolerate this kind of behavior. That they leave for the daily dumping on the BC Lions by reporters and fans.

The English Government is promising to conduct war on gangs to combat last week’s riots. This follows other interventions by Briton including the war on terror, war on drugs, and war on gingivitis.

A University of Alberta scientist has figured out a way to transform cattle parts into plastic to offer a potentially profitable alternative to the disposal of all those bits that the mad cow crisis turned into waste. Initial products manufactured with the products will be high demand Alberta items such as Saskatchewan Roughrider hats, flags and foam fingers.

For the first time in franchise history, the Regina Red Sox are the Western Major Baseball League champions. This is the 1st time a team from Regina has won a championship and not used the power of the watermelon.

The Canadian Food Inspection Agency and Canada Safeway are warning the public about a dip that may be contaminated with Listeria. Shoppers are being advised to avoid the dip and spread their money around.

A teenager who tricked hotel guests and restaurant employees to set off fire alarms and sprinkler systems has been convicted under the rarely-used charge of conveying false messages. Lawyers for the boy say they will fight the charge saying if spreading false messages was a crime they would have to arrest everyone involved in the BC Lions Glee Club.

A Vancouver man is fighting a $29 ticket for not wearing a helmet while riding his bicycle, saying the law is a violation of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. The fight is being paid for by the CFL Players Association who seems to have no problem with players being on the field without their helmets. I want to say the guy is a head but upon further review let’s say he is special.

The Alberta Government is being asked to lift restrictions on prescription pain medication saying it is the least that can be done for Flames and Oilers fans.

Chris Johnston of the Tennessee Titans is holding out saying he wants more than running back money. This contrasts with CFL players who hold out for more than pin money.

The new Spy Kids movie is in 4D which includes a card to scratch and sniff to create a visual sensation. The Saskatchewan Roughriders have a similar concept this year it’s called the playbook and it stinks.

The 84 year old Pope was in Spain this week with youth delegates chanting “this is the Pope of the youth” which is similar to the Calgary Flames signing 32 year old defenseman Scott Hannan and calling it part of their youth movement.

Troubled tech giant RIM is introducing a new music service with the 1st song on offer expected to be the Funeral March.

A woman in Germany has not used money in the last 16 years saying she was able to get by on barter and trade. Her lifestyle is a part of a book she has just written called “Living like a CFL player”