Dry me a River

Bowlers are planning a rally this afternoon to save the only bowling alley on Vancouver’s Westside. The group say they plan to march in a triangular pattern, wear someone else’s shoes and if necessary strike.

Extreme athlete Felix Baumgartner is making final preparations for a death-defying, 23-mile free fall into the southeastern New Mexico desert. Experts say this is the fastest free fall since Christie Clarke last led in the polls.

The Cowichan River could run bone dry before the end of the month if rain doesn’t start falling by the bucketful, raising concerns for environmentalists, municipal officials and representatives of the nearby paper mill. The environmentalists want to see the fish saved, the municipal officials want the revenue from tourists and the pulp mills will have to take the 3-headed salmon off the cafeteria menu.

I am excited to see my Saskatchewan Roughriders are now on a season ending roll. The only thing better will be to see the Opinion 250 “sports expert” changing his screen saver from a Lion back to a 5-hole goal on Luongo.

Tiger Woods said he stayed up all night after the Ryder Cup agonizing about the one that got away. So good to see he misses his ex.

Putting San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum in the bullpen is like sending Winnipeg Blue Bombers QB Buck Pierce out to run back punts… senseless.

3 of the new Toronto Raptors are out of the line-up with injuries that will need “bedrest”, so you can bet scoring will be up.

The NHL wiped out the first 2 weeks of regular season games which leaves the Toronto Maple Leafs 1 point ahead of last years pace.

A short video released on Youtube depicting gross ignorance and incompetence has inflamed religious people across the world. A spokesman for the NFL says there is nothing they can do to remove the final minutes of the Monday night game between Green Bay and Seattle. An NFL spokesman then reminded players and coaches to protect the shield during the riots.

I think it is fair to say there are a lot of cheesed off heads in Green Bay this week.

Love the new slogan for the replacement referees “For a few dollars less…”

My beloved Saskatchewan Roughriders not only beat the Calgary Stampeders they caught Jon Cornish with his pants down. Cornish was forced to apologize for “mooning” Saskatchewan fans but he said it was just in response to cracks he heard all game.

The GM of the Detroit Red Wings called players cattle this week leaving many NHL players feeling they have a beef. If the players are cattle what are fans and taxpayers who subsidize the owners, fertilizer?

The CFL has ruled that long hair is part of the uniform and can be used to tackle a player. This ruling is being seen as a game changer for the newly formed UBL United Barbers League.

Daryl Katz the owner for the Edmonton Oilers was in Seattle trying to find a way to blackmail the Edmonton City Council to give him more money for his arena. A spokesman for the City say they refused to be bullied but later retracted the comment and issued an apology saying they could be more accommodating and adding “moo”.

Former Winnipeg Blue Bomber Doug Brown took to Twitter saying he need not pack toothpaste or deodorant for his trip to Regina. This turned out to be ironic as the toothless Bombers completely stunk out the joint.

Tiger Woods was close to winning the weekends PGA tournament saying all he needed was a little luck, a few dropped putts and a f*#cki*ng break. Despite losing Woods became the 1^st golfer to win over $100 million or as his ex-wife called it… chump change.

The NFL will start the year without their regular officials due to a dispute with the union. The officials say they currently get .00003% of revenues which team owners say could better be used on necessities like Snugglies with team logos.

Vancouver Canucks goalie Roberto Luongo says a return to Florida makes sense for everyone and would allow him to be close to friends, family and save money with the Blue-plate specials for a pre-game meal.

Toronto Blue Jays pitcher Rickey Romero is 0-10 with an ERA over 6 in his last few starts or as Brian Burke calls it “extension territory”.

Hamilton Tiger Cats returner Chris Williams has 6 kick returns for a touchdown this year. To put it into perspective the NFL record for lifetime returns is 15 held by Oakland Raiders season ticket holders.

The Whimper Classic

The Toronto Maple Leafs decided to cancel their prospects tournament. Not because of the impending lockout, they just looked at their recent drafts and concluded they have no future prospects.

San Francisco Giants suspended slugger Melky Cabrera is said to have enlisted the help of a trainer to throw off MLB drug testers by pretending to take a product unrelated to performance enhancement. The trouble is he used the website from Manny Ramirez and MLB refused to believe he was pre-menopausal.

A new candy company has been created called Maria Sugarpova a play on the name of the tennis player. Not to be outdone other players have formed companies including a coat line called Roger FURder, a chemistry set called Boris Beaker and a specialty pipe called the Bjorn Bong.

Canadian Major Junior Hockey players are voting on a proposal to create a Union for the players. The news has been received with open arms from NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman who says he can now mentor the next generation of Union busting lockout stars.

Roger Clemens will apparently join a minor league team and pitch his 1^st game in years. According to both scouts and chemists who have seen Roger pitch they say that he still has the right stuff.

Congratulation are in order to the men of Augusta National for allowing 2 women to become members of their exclusive club. In related news select women will now be allowed to wash the member’s balls.

LA Dodgers announcer Vince Scully says he will return for a 64^th year of broadcasting the games. Asked if he can still call double headers at his age Vince replied “Well… Depends…”

I find it ironic to blame fired coach Paul LaPolice for the failure of the Winnipeg Blue Bombers when clearly the players he was given should have been a crime.

If the end of a hard day’s work is Miller time I guess the current Toronto Blue Jays losing streak is called Maple Leafs time.

If I was one of the women that let a 15 year old girl beat the best me by 5 strokes at a major championship… I’d feel a Wie bit embarrassed.

NDP leader Thomas Mulcair has waded in on the trade of 3 players with $250 million in salaries by the Boston Red Sox to the Los Angeles Dodgers. He says the Dodgers are crippling smaller market clubs with what he calls the Dutch Arm disease.

I’m still trying to figure out what was bigger about Roger Clemmens comeback to minor league ball. His strike outs, control or hat size. Roger was blunt saying he would need another shot in the arm to reach the majors.

Saskatchewan Roughriders coach Corey Chamblin was asked to explain why he gave the ball back to the Stampeders instead of going for it on 3^rd down with 2 minutes left and his team behind by 7 points. Corey said the wind played a factor and he figured his kicker could put the ball farther than he could throw a fit if they didn’t convert.

With all the fuss over how the Royals spend too much of the taxpayers money it was good to see Prince Harry riding bareback to save a few bucks.

Rogers Communications says they purchased The Score to get access to their mobile technology in particular their real time scores and statistics. This gives Rogers a foothold into the growing market of Toronto Maple Leafs fans who want to be given bad news on the fly.

“Polishing the turd” an expression used when trying to make a poor performance sound good. For example if your resume says “Coached the Winnipeg Blue Bombers…” you might need to polish the turd.

Going for Green

Canada's Antoine Valois-Fortier is contention for a bronze medal in the men's -81kg judo event. Antoine used deception, flips and an ability to slip out of the grasp or as BC Premier Christy Clarke calls it, her election preparation.

A female Chinese swimmer took and incredible 7 seconds off her previous best time to win a swim match. Asked how she could have possibly improved so much in such a short time her Coach Li Ing, offered this explanation “Last race we forgot to take her diaper off”.

Canada is really mopping up in the 1 metre women’s synchronized pair springboard

Day 4: New slogan “We’re # 26 among developed nations with a previous role as host of the Olympic Games”

How can Canada expect to compete internationally if we continue discouraging our blind athletes from taking archery, rifle or javelin training?

As a Saskatchewan Roughrider minion, I am having a hard time believing our recent performances. Who would have believed they could cover the spread 5 times? Amazing! But really Riders? Lose when you have every advantage? That is so Leafs…

Catching Up

The Grey Cup will begin a 74 day trip across Canada. I was originally scheduled for 60 days but Toronto asked for an extra 2 weeks to show kids in the city what a professional championship trophy looks like.

Earlier this month, the federal government decided to crack down on a new designer street-drug called bath salts. The salt is said to have the properties of heroin and may lead to brain damage. The city of Vancouver is in an uproar saying to cut people off is criminal and they plan to set up safe injection sites at East Side Bed, Bath and Beyond stores. I finally have an answer why the GF spends an hour in the tub and comes out all dizzy and weak kneed.

Facebook's recent push to promote organ donation in the United States caused registrations to soar; a similar social media initiative could soon be launched in Canada. Among those on the waiting list are the Toronto Maple Leafs who say they just need heart.

A 13 yr. old boy in the US is being sued $500k for an errant throw that hit a spectator. If you can sue someone for bad aim on the field the San Diego Padres better buy a lot more insurance.

A group of seven-year-old girls in Port Coquitlam, B.C., made a grisly discovery Monday when they stumbled upon a dead body near a creek behind their elementary school. On the bright side they got out of gym.

England once again was eliminated from Euro Cup competition on penalties when they were beaten by Italy. Asked what the problem seemed to be during sudden death an English spokesman said it had something to do with the kicks being free.

The Columbus Blue Jackets offered every draft pick they had to get the #1 pick overall and were turned down. Columbus now says they will go with Plan B and not sign anyone for the coming year.

Vancouver Canucks forward Mason Raymond said he felt bad after being given a $225.00 cut in pay to $2.275 million for the upcoming year. The reduction was due to an unproductive, injury plagued year but Raymond says he will try to remain motivated despite the insult.

The Canadian owner of I'll Have Another says he sold his Kentucky Derby and Preakness winner to a farm in Japan for US$10 million and will be used for breeding. This is the most paid for a stud since Burt Reynolds posed nude for Cosmopolitan Magazine.

The Minnesota Wild was able to sign Zach Parise and Ryan Sutter because they wanted their women to be close to home. NHL team operations will now have a new position called Puck Bunny with the motto “If you can’t beat ‘em in the alley, land ‘em at the Back Alley.

Once again the Vancouver SPCA is attacking the Calgary Stampede calling for the elimination of calf roping. New ads show a picture of a baby with the caption “Would you use a baby to amuse a crowd?” A spokesman for Gerber Baby food was incensed saying the Vancouver group should worry about the animals that attend Canuck playoff games.

Convicted Stanley Cup rioter Robert Snelgrove has made a court-ordered public apology to the people of Vancouver and all residents of British Columbia. The apology seemed heartfelt even when he blamed the referee’s, Canuck team defense and Roberto Luongo for his anger.

The Calgary Stampede is experiencing record attendance for the Rodeo events with a spokesman saying more people are watching this BS than tuned into the Alberta election debates.

The Calgary Stampede has decided to omit the French lyrics from the singing of the national anthem saying it is like waving a red flag in front of a bull.

NDP leader Thomas Mulcair attended the Stampede and immediately denounced the event saying it was contributing to a decline in attendance for national tourism citing the reduced numbers in this year’s St. John Baptise celebrations.

The Calgary Stampeders lost QB Drew Tate for the season when he dislocated his shoulder falling down. Calgary fans were heartened to see the injury come so early in the season so they won’t have to wait until the last week to be out of the playoffs like the Flames.

The Conservative government's decision to pull out of the Kyoto Protocol was legal, and it wasn't obliged to consult Parliament before doing it, the federal court has ruled. However the court found they do have an obligation to find a new national sport now that global warming will reduce ice to a quaint memory.

The Lifesaving Society says new Canadians face a higher risk of drowning than people who were born in Canada. The Society says changes in parenting have made it socially unacceptable to just throw your 4 year old in the water and tell them to swim, so fewer kids have that advantage later in life.

Pamela Anderson of Baywatch fame is calling on the Alberta Government to ban Chuckwagon races after the deaths of 3 horses during the Calgary Stampede. A spokesman for Alpo Dog food agreed saying horses that pull Chuckwagons are too stringy for their gourmet canine meals.

Toronto Argos kicker Noel Prefontaine is having hip surgery that could end his career. This has caused Pam Anderson has called on the Prime Minister to end football as she is convinced kicking a pigskin caused his injury.

The CFL is considering adding the Franchise tag to their player’s contracts. It will be similar to the NFL where the player is deemed to be valuable to the franchise, only the CFL will designate one player who eats the most at franchise restaurants, thus saving the team money.

The Canadian Olympic team began arriving in London for the 2012 Olympics this week. First to arrive were swimmers and divers who need the extra time to acclimatize to the rain.

UFC is coming to Calgary this weekend, but they are hard pressed to sell tickets. Compared to the nightly brawls at the Stampede to get a taxi the UFC will seem cute,

After listening to objections from Pam Anderson the Saskatchewan Roughriders are considering letting Gainer Gopher return to his natural habitat. Anderson a BC native was sickened by the display of Gainer as her hometown team was beaten and suggested the Riders adopt a more humane mascot like Leo the defanged, declawed de-balled Lion.

As punishment for former coach Jerry Sandusky using his children’s charity to molest young boys, the NCAA has decreed Penn State University should give $60 million to children’s charities.

The NY Rangers have landed former Columbus Blue Jacket star Rick Nash for what has been described as a few spare parts. This has infuriated Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke who has denounced the trade saying the players they offered were way more mediocre.

Winnipeg QB Buck Pierce is once again out of the line-up with and injury. Team officials say he is taking it easy and is expected to be available for injury in a couple of weeks.

The 2012 Olympic Games in London is cracking down on anyone using the 2012 Olympic Games in London for financial gain which makes me glad I write jokes because no one can accuse me of making any money, especially the GF.

The UFC is apologizing to Calgary for charging outrageous prices to watch a fight card that was filled with grown men hugging each other for 5 rounds. In related news the UFC has announced a new sponsor for their next great show, Manlove.com.

The next UFC fight card in Calgary will be better promised kingpin Dana white saying they already are in talks with a PETA spokesman and Calgary Stampede promoter to have a fierce 5 round debate on calf roping as the main event.

The NHL and NHLPA have agreed to resume talks aimed at ending the season with spokesmen for both sides saying if they don’t talk there will be nothing they can disagree with.

BC Premier Chrissy Clarke says Alberta oil can only flow through her Province if there is a sweetening of the deal. Included in her demands are royalties, 24 hour spill response teams and 2 - 1st round NHL draft picks from Edmonton and Calgary.

It was tough watching PGA player Adam Scott bogy the last 4 holes to lose the British Open but not as tough as watching the Saskatchewan Roughriders tee up a win for the Calgary Stampeders. Asked what went wrong the Riders Head Coach was at a loss, like the team.

Barry Bonds in Head Office

Barry Bonds says he wants to be a part of the San Francisco Giants organization. There has to be an opening in the Head Office for the world’s largest head and head case.

The judge ruled against Roger Clemens request for a dismissal of all charges and said the matter should be judged by a jury of his peers. Unfortunately Barry Bonds, Mark McGuire and Jose Canseco were unavailable for duty.

  Italian Premier Mario Monti has suggested that football in the country should be suspended for two to three years after another match-fixing scandal. This would give the country time to prosecute the former Prime Minister, Vatican officials and the Mafia, without the distraction of men kicking a ball around.

An Ottawa coroner has confirmed a package delivered to the Conservative Party of Canada's headquarters in downtown Ottawa contained a human foot. Police say the owner of the foot is not known but it appears to be the right size to fit in Brian Burkes mouth.

New census data shows Canada now has a higher proportion of seniors than ever before, a development that has crept up on society with far-reaching implications for health, finance, policy and everyday family relationships. Most of all it explains the Calgary Flames roster for the past 5 years.

The Vancouver Park Board’s municipal golf courses appear to be out of the financial rough, with a big jump in business over last year. The Board cites better weather, more advertising and a steady stream of Vancouver Canucks getting early tee times.

British billionaire Richard Branson has invited B.C. Premier Christy Clark to join him on a kite surf ride, with the suggestion that she try it naked. The Premier says Branson misunderstood her when he asked if she could kite surf and she replied “barely”.

B.C. Premier Christy Clark won't be going to the Western Premiers' Conference today in Edmonton, but her party is still joining the western attack on federal NDP Leader Thomas Mulcair. Clark is disappointed she won’t be in the game but is not averse to piling on from the sidelines.

Terrell Owens says he was paid $50 severance from his Arena Football contract. A CFL spokesman was outraged saying this is the kind of wasteful spending that puts teams in financial straits. Owens fired his manager who then reportedly went to Wendy’s to spend his 20% cut in celebration

A South Florida masseuse died at a hospital after collapsing at the Miami Beach home of injured Heat forward Chris Bosh. A spokesman for the Heat was devastated saying this could affect game 5.

Wonder what the Over/Under is on who scores more goals the Stanley Cup Finals or Euro 2012?

Details of a tentative US$170-million deal to sell the Phoenix Coyotes to prospective owner Greg Jamison include a 20-year lease that will pay Jamison's group an average of $15 million a season to manage Jobing.com arena. A spokesman for the City of Glendale was unavailable for comment but did say he can be reached at his 2^nd job, Jobbing.com popcorn vendor.

Talking to a psychologist on the phone as therapy for depression may work as well as meeting face-to-face, according to a new study. This is especially helpful if you dial the special 1-900 “therapists”.

The Canadian Taxpayers Federation says documents obtained in a Freedom of Information request show Vancouver TransLink spent $532,444 on unreliable televisions at five SkyTrain stations in 2009. Worse than that, the remaining TV’s are stuck on a loop playing the 5^th game of this year’s Canucks Stanley Cup final game.

Vancouver School Board trustees will debate the installation of a controversial noise-generating device called the Mosquito that deters vandalism and loitering by emitting an extremely high-pitched sound, on Tuesday night. The sound is really offensive to most except for students from South Africa who say it reminds them of the vuvuzelas.

Boldly go where no Leaf has gone before

With the financial problems of New Jersey Devils and Phoenix Coyotes it is possible that the Stanley Cup might finally get the name of a bankruptcy lawyer engraved on it. Right below Gordie Howe will be the firm Canwe, Cheetum and How.

How can you not love a horse that is the same name as the answer to most summer BBQ questions? Yes, I’ll have another.

Rioters in Montreal were questioned by reporters what was their biggest grievance. Some said it was the tuition increase, some said it was unfair legislation but a vast majority responded they were using the riots to keep their off season NHL rioting skills fresh.

A man has outlined detailed plans to build the USS Enterprise and have it explore space. The plan would require a trillion dollars and take generations to accomplish. The author of the report says the only comparable building projects are the pyramids and the Toronto Maple Leafs.

A man went over Niagara Falls and survived this weekend. It is one of the biggest free falls with a person surviving, second only to the Vancouver Canucks coaching staff.

Some bags of salads being distributed to restaurants, hospitals and nursing homes may be contaminated with Listeria monocytogenes, the Canadian Food Inspection Agency says. The agency says it was going to put out a warning to have consumers avoid salads but after viewing pictures of average Canadians it seems they have already done so.

Commuter rail service linking Mission to downtown Vancouver could come to a grinding halt if a there is a strike by Canadian Pacific Railway employees. The CFL is up in arms saying this will reduce the pool of affordable places for BC Lions players to live.

Officials warn about coyotes in Vancouver's Stanley Park as denning season, when pups are born, can make female coyotes more protective. The fear of Coyotes was overblown earlier when really Vancouver fans should have worried about Kings.

A giant blackboard in Vancouver is giving people a chance to share their dreams of what they’ve always wanted to do or to have in their lives while they still have time. Many of the writers included seeing the Canucks win a Stanley Cup, to which the citizens of Toronto replied… good luck.

Who do you think is most unfamiliar with the saying “I’m all ears”? Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke or Prince Charles?

HST PST Y 0 Y BC

I can't wait until the NHL season is over. Not for the hockey, which is great, but to stop the insufferable panels of "experts" from speaking. Who knew shots on goal were an important statistic?

Two jurors in the Roger Clemmens steroid trial have been sent home for sleeping. What the trial needs is a shot of some kind that could keep jurors alert and focused on the task at hand. If only there was something like this.

The NFL players association is taking the NFL to court over the bounty scandal saying the NFL did not have the authority to make the suspensions. The NFLPA believes the scandal occurred before the latest collective bargaining agreement and is not subject to the "obviously should be illegal" clause in the new agreement.

Calgary Flames fans are excited by the success of Daryl Sutter and the LA Kings and hope to hold a parade if he was to win the Cup. The parade will be short, have blindfolds and a traditional western lynching of the executive, followed by a pancake breakfast.

A BC couple was given $8000 by a BC court when it was determined their health was compromised by second hand smoke. The court says t was to be expected to have cigarette and marijuana smoke in the complex but the burning of Roberto Luongo fan membership cards was "cruel and unusual".

B.C. will drop the HST and return to an "improved" PST next year with all previous exemptions, Finance Minister Kevin Falcon announced on Monday in Victoria. The idea of replacing an old idea with a new one that is the same is not considered a slight of hand but more an homage to Canucks off season moves.

Police in BC are concerned recent Cougar sightings are a sign of bigger problems. The Cougars are relentless, aggressive and are often seen around hockey arenas, usually on off game Jr. Hockey days.

Ugly is as ugly dates

NY Yankees pitcher Mariano Rivera was injured and is out for the season after a freak pre-game shagging flies accident. It is the 1^st shagging incident in Yankee history to not be treated by penicillin.

Daryl Sutter has the LA Kings one step closer to the Stanley Cup finals. This is being met with a collective “who?” from dedicate Calgary Flames fans.

Next year the Flames might be watching Daryl and Brent Sutter meet in the playoffs, or as it is called in Calgary “Crap!”

The Phoenix Coyotes are in talks with another suitor to buy the team. Tentative terms have not been released but the Glendale City Council says they seem to meet their demands, people breathing in the seats.

Boy the after-after party for the Nashville Predators might be a little awkward.

The Washington Redskins have announced #2 overall pick RG3 will be their starting QB. In a carefully worded statement the teams says they chose another QB Kirk Cousins in the draft because his girlfriend was prettier. This followed standard scouting practices that an ugly girlfriend means you have no confidence. In the rookie camp RG3 showed up with a hottie, thus alleviating the concern.

Two gymnastics judges have been banned from the London Olympics by a disciplinary panel investigating mistakes during the women's event at last fall's world championships. The judges were inadvertently giving points for artistic merit to gymnasts who had not even offered a single bribe. The oversight has been corrected.

The Vancouver Canucks resolved the status of general manager Mike Gillis on Monday and moved closer to determining coach Alain Vigneault's future. Sources say Vigneaults contract will be extended, made of iron clad agreements and open to his quick removal.

Canadian world hockey captain Ryan Getzlaf was flabbergasted after being linked to an incident at a Helsinki bar by Finnish media outlets. Getzlaf says rumours of drinking, arguing and swearing were totally overblown, adding were just discussing the Nashville Predators response to players drinking, arguing and swearing in a bar.

Two employees at a Tim Hortons in Windsor, Ont., were involved in a different type of labour today — they suddenly found themselves having to help a woman give birth in one of the washrooms. The employees were shocked when the woman decided to name the twins born to her Double and Double Double.

The provincial government has introduced legislation to regulate boxing, kick-boxing and mixed martial arts events across B.C. The bill is known as the kicking, gouging, biting and slapping outside the Legislature amendment and will be law once the backroom scuffles are finished.

Toronto's mayor refused to speak to reporters on Tuesday during a very brief photo opportunity outside his office inside City Hall. Citizens of Toronto hope the Toronto Maple Leafs GM will show the same pity on Torontonians for the summer.

Waving the Right Flag

Former CFL wide receiver Brad Smith will be the 1st contestant on The Bachelor Canada TV Show. The show has a nod to the CFL when Smith takes his picks to McDonalds and a walk thru a park as his dream date.

This is the 1st time a female from a reality TV show can truthfully answer "I love him for more than his money".

The playoff success of the Phoenix Coyotes has players and executives excited for the future. A spokesman for the team says players can now upgrade their living arrangements from daily Hotel to monthly Condo. Officials are excited by the increased revenue from the post season. In particular the white flags of surrender have been turned into a "white out" fan towel that sell for $60.00 in souvenir shops. If any are left over the towels can be used to pack the dishes for the move to Quebec City.

Andy Pettitte took to the stand against Roger Clemmens and told the court he heard Roger say HGH would help him recover. This is ironic because since refusing to say he took HGH, Roger's career has never recovered. The next day in cross examination Pettitte said he might have been mistaken and Clemmens could have said something less controversial like "PCP help you recover". 

Nashville Predators coach Barry Trotz has a difficult decision to make. Does he restore forwards Alexander Radulov and Andrei Kostitsyn after they were sat out for drinking late at night and the team won, or does he take the high road?  The players plan to star in the new vodka commercial "Smirnoff when you want to put your career on ice".

The California Angels say they are not concerned Alex Pujols has not hit a home run despite paying $250 million for his services. A team spokesman says most of the money has already been recovered by selling the rights to the movie. Execs say it will make the Titanic look like a leaky rowboat.

Los Angles Lakers suspended forward Metta World Peace will be a guest on Conan to explain his recent elbow to the head of  James Harden of the Oklahoma Thunder. Peace says he had other offers most notably from the David Letterman show to perform a stupid human hit.

Call that a riot?

The Rest of Canada was asked what they thought of the Vancouver Canucks losing out and most agreed. “What a riot!”

The cities of Calgary and Edmonton were not mentioned once during the Alberta election debate. It felt like we were watching coverage of NHL playoffs.

All we are saying… is give Metta World Peace a chance… and he’ll give you the irony of his name.

All of the Pollsters in the Alberta election got had their predictions wrong forcing some to other business opportunities like predicting NHL playoff outcomes.

Toronto's chief medical officer of health says speed limits in the city need to be lower — much lower. The chief say if we can take 9 years to build a competitive hockey team then taking it easy on the road shouldn’t be such a problem.

The Insurance Corporation of B.C. has applied to have its services declared essential in a bid to block possible strike action by unionized staff. The Corporations says insurance is critical to BC especially those that bet the farm on the Canucks winning the Stanley Cup.

Saskatchewan Government Insurance has quietly cancelled its green rebate for people who drive environmentally friendly cars. The rebate was originally intended to foster the use of alternative fuels…like used watermelon helmets.

The Greater Toronto Area was at a standstill after a late, late spring snowstorm added almost 6” of white stuff. This is the biggest unscheduled dump of white stuff to cover Toronto since 1995 when the NBA Draft was held at SkyDome.

University students in Quebec are rioting, destroying property and clashing with Police. The Rioters say they have no real grievances they just want to stay in shape in case the Montreal Canadians reach the playoffs next year.

Bengal Bungle

In year-end interviews management for both the Calgary Flames and Edmonton Oilers had the same thing to say "How about that election?"

The US Secret Service is in a scandal after 11 members were sent home from Columbia after a $47 bill was not paid for a prostitute. Reaction from the NBA was quick and decisive... they scheduled next years All Star game for Columbia and paid the tab up front.

The US soccer team unveiled their new uniform featuring a prison stripe pattern. They have been condemned by the Cincinnati Bengals who say that is a copyright infringement of their 3rd jersey

Police in Vancouver are bracing for a riot if the Canucks lose in their 1st round match against Los Angles. A spokesman says they hope everyone will put down the Bud light and just light up some BC Bud and chill.

A B.C. father has refused to pay a $1,400 bill received from Rogers after his teenage son was charged for sending hundreds of texts, despite a contract that includes unlimited texting in Canada. The father was incensed saying most of the texts were just harmless OMG & WTF? to friends watching the Canucks pay.

The NHL is handing out a record number of penalties during this years playoffs. A spokesman says there is no truth to the rumours the fines are going to buy tickets to the Phoenix Coyotes games and the 1/2 full building and reports of a sell out are just "speculation"

Kick Back and enjoy the Playoffs

With all the high sticking, roughing and cheap shots people in Alberta are being treated to NHL playoff action from their politicians in the election campaign

With Calgary, Edmonton, Winnipeg, Toronto and Montreal watching the NHL p[layoffs from the sidelines maybe we should go back to calling Lacrosse our National Game.

At this point in the Baseball season the Toronto Blue Jays have won more games than the Toronto Maple Leafs did all year.

Police reported numerous small fires and dozens of arrests near Kentucky's campus after the Wildcats defeated Kansas on Monday night to capture another NCAA title. Asked to rate the riot Police say it was between a Montreal Canadians 1^st round defeat and a Vancouver Canucks loss in the finals.

The penny is being taken out of circulation which was expected to be difficult for CFL players. However a spokesman for the owners says they can still nickel and dime the players.

People in Price George were given free rides on transit to deal with the overwhelming dust. This is the second time citizens in Prince George has been given a free ride. The other was when they played the Kamloops Blazers in the 2007 playoffs.

The Canadian Mint will be introducing the Mint Chip a form of on line money in the near future. In response the CFL issued a press release saying they are in the lead on this as they have been paying players virtually no money for years.

A story that came out during the Masters accused Tiger Woods of ignoring his half siblings both physically and financially including one who has a life threatening illness. A spokesman for Tiger was adamant that Tiger owes them nothing more than to play great golf and be an Ambassador for the game.

Both the Pittsburgh Penguins and Philadelphia Flyers are predicting their series will be a bloodbath. Really do we still have to use such antiquated terms in the 21st century? I mean who takes a bath anymore?

Toronto Maple Leafs goaltender James Reimer was relieved to find out his injury was neck related. All along he suspected it might be from the knives being stuck in his back.

Facebook is buying the Technology Company Instagram for $1billion. The service allows people to take photos on their cellphone and add retro touches to the images. They have found a niche market in Canada where NHL teams take their team photo and retro the look to the last time they were in the playoffs.

Quebec City is still considering how they will build their new arena. A spokesman for the contracting company says now that the NHL playoffs have begun they will just Kick Back and see.

Now that the Toronto Maple Leafs have been sold by the Teachers’ Pension Plan players will no longer have to go to school and apologize for missing the playoffs during show and tell.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has once again cancelled his weekly weigh-in, with the target of losing 50 lbs. by summer.  Speculation is rife he will pull a Maple Leaf and admit the goal was too lofty.

New rules quietly introduced through Vancouver's city hall ban bagpipes, bongos and other percussion instruments from the city's street busking program. Officials say the only thing in Vancouver that is allowed to blow this Spring is the Vancouver Canucks goaltending.

Judas another day in the NFL

Now that Peyton Manning is with the Denver Bronco’s word is out they are willing to sell Tim Tebow for 30 pieces of silver. Rumour has it the Broncos would sell Tebow in a New York minutes

It seems there is no truth to the rumour Duke University is changing its name to the Blew it Devils.

There was a controversy in Alberta when the bus that was to carry Wildrose leader Danielle Smith was revealed showing her picture with the rear tires making a good impression of her breasts. The bus was going to be reworked until every Major Junior Hockey team stated bidding on it.

Two busloads of students were escorted to a police station in Candiac, Quebec Tuesday after an hour-long demonstration blocked an access ramp to the busy Champlain Bridge into Montreal. The students will be charged with loitering and impersonating the Montreal Canadians.

A poll of Canadians has found a majority think Albertans are “smug” and “uncaring”. Asked to comment Daryl Sutter the Alberta born Coach of the LA Kings replied “Whatever”.  The poll result was a surprise to Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke who said Albertans seemed normal.

Calgary's first poet laureate was announced at a ceremony Monday at city hall. In keeping with the perception of Albertans as “smug” and “uncaring” his first poem as the new laureate was titled “Get off my Lawn”

In an effort to start getting a better return in their trades the Toronto Maple Leafs have announced they hired Sheldon Smithens and Scott Cozens, the Canadian Pickers, to look for gems at this year’s NHL Draft.  The report is being met with outrage from LA Kings Coach Daryl Sutter who has sued for trademark infringement saying when he was GM picking antiques was his job.

Canadian consumers are being warned to avoid 135 frozen beef products, with brands ranging from President's Choice to Irresistibles to Lick's being recalled because they may be contaminated with E. coli bacteria. The only Presidents Choice to make customers sicker was when the Montreal Canadians President Geoff Molson hired unilingual Coach Randy Cunneyworth.

Much Madness

Calgary Flames winger Curtis Glencross has scored 25 goals and is being paid $2.5 million a year which GM Brent Sutter says is due to him taking a home team discount. Toronto Maple Leafs Michael Grabovski has scored 21 goals and signed a contract for $5.5 million which GM Brian Burke says was a visiting team bonus.

Tough year for NHL coaches with Lindsay Ruff out 2 weeks after breaking ribs, Todd McLellan spent a month with a concussion and Don Cherry’s career may be over with what is being called an upper back stabbing.

New research from the Harvard School of Public Health suggests even moderate consumption of red meat — as little as one serving a day — poses a more serious health risk than first thought. The report says men should now shoot for a body with abs like bean curds. The authors of the report were going to release their findings earlier but no one had the strength to deliver it.

NY Rangers forward Sean Avery has retired saying he “threw my skates in the Hudson River”. The announcement came as a shock to the Hudson River revitalization committee who has tried for years to clean up their dirty reputation.

The union representing British Columbia's 30,000 nurses is throwing a spotlight on what it argues is declining patient care as it appeals for public support to hire thousands of additional workers in the latest round of contract negotiations. A spokesman says the only chance BC has to avoid a catastrophic situation is if the Vancouver Canucks keep playing the way they have lately and thus reduce the need for riot nursing.

A municipal task force aiming to make housing more affordable in Vancouver released its first set of recommendations on Monday. Officials are warning the cost of housing will affect the aged, chronically poor and CFL rookies.

I filled out my March Madness bracket this year and was instantly referred to a site that provides support for delusional behaviour. Despite this you heard it here 1^st… Syracuse by a nose!

No Pain No Fan

Former Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi is under indictment for hiring prostitutes in what is being called the Bunga Bunga Trial. This is not to be confused with Coach Ron Wison of the Toronto Maple Leafs who is testing the patience of fans with his Bungle Bungle system.

Most experts agree the winners on the NHL trade deadline were experts hired to evaluate the trades. The losers were anyone who watched the shows.

LA Lakers star Kobe Bryant was given a nasal laceration during the All Star game after being hit by Miami Heat forward Dwayne Wade. Seriously they are calling it a nasal fracture? What ever happened to the good old broken nose? A league official says they want to make the game sound more interesting so in the future players out with a severe case of the clap will now be listed as Daisy to Daisy.

Canada's glitch-prone, second-hand submarines will be with the navy until at least 2030 which means they will drown the record of being underwater currently held by the Toronto Raptors.

With both the Toronto Maple Leafs and Calgary Flames losing during nights to honour past accomplishments management is taking a stand. They promise not to do anything worth celebrating that will cause undue pressure on future teams.

Top 5 signs you were a loser at the NHL trade deadline

# 5 Your new address is in Ohio

# 4 You were traded for a stick boy and 20 rolls of tape

# 3 The team owner commits you saying you are a danger to yourself and others

# 2 Mike Millbury has nothing but praise for you

And the #1 sign you were a loser at the trade deadline…

At next year’s GM meeting you have to wear the dunce hat…

The Calgary Flames have been badly outshot in the last 10 games. To put it in perspective they have been outshot more than Bonnie and Clyde, 50 Cent and Custer combined. Goalie Mikka Kiprusoff has faced more rubber than a NBA All-star Game groupie.

Watching Derrick Williams fail to dunk nine straight times in the NBA All Star game was like sitting in a Tim Horton’s watching a drunk fail to dunk his donut in a double-double… nine times.

A book excerpt by Tiger Williams swing coach says he wanted to be a Navy Seal. At least that is what he thought he said when Tiger mentioned how much fun it was to skin dive.

A Kansas University basketball coach is advising his player to leave college if they feel they can get drafted in the NBA. Republican contender Rick Santorum gave his blessings saying only snobs and Democrats wasted their life in pursuit of learning.

The lead singer for the Monkees Davey Jones has died which means the only thing left from the swinging ‘60’s is the haircut of Pete Rose.

The world record for longest paper airplane toss was beat this week but the record for coasting on hot air is still held by Brian Burke.

The Calgary Flames have lost over 300 man games to injury this year. To put that in perspective it takes over 100 man games to do an actual day of work in the real world.

British athletes are being advised to avoid shaking hands with opponents at the upcoming Olympic Games to avoid getting sick. To avoid being considered poor sports athletes are being told to fist bump, salute or add their opponents as friend on Facebook.

It seems a new Robo-Call scandal is breaking out in professional sports with fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs being sent automated calls asking them to show up in Winnipeg to cheer on their playoff team.

Tampa Bay Lightning GM Steve Yzerman says he never hesitated when asked to become the GM for Team Canada saying it is every Canadian boys wish to be a part of the team. Next on the list is to be a part of a team that prevents the Toronto Maple Leafs from reaching the playoffs.

A 4 ton chunk of Montreal’s Olympic Stadium came crashing down causing minor damage to the structure according to the organized crime spokesman in charge of the original concrete construction. The Stadium will need some repairs but estimates from the competing crime families involved in the graft have not yet come in.

Health Canada wants to ban the pain killer Oxycontin from Pharmacies but have agreed to wait until the NHL regular season is over to see what areas of the country should be given an extension.

The New York Yankees and Pittsburgh Pirates were in a heated debate over the prospects the Yankees would get for Pitcher AJ Burnett. In the end the Yankees relented and agreed to take a couple of players for him.

The NFL is speculating who has the worst whiplash Indianapolis Colts QB Peyton Manning after his 4^th neck surgery or Team Owner Jim Irsay after trying to write a $28 Million bonus cheque to Manning.

Fans in Saskatchewan were shocked a vandal spray painted obscenities on the Church of Boston Bruins forward Milan Lucic.  Does no one in Vancouver have access to manure?

The tale of two Cities… Toronto in the midst of a free-fall had their GM reminding the league they are #1 and Calgary on a tear with their GM ecstatic that they are #8.

Phil Mickelson had a shot roll up a man’s shorts during PGA play this weekend. This is in contrast with the PGA senior’s league where balls are falling out of shorts.

NY Knicks star Carmello Anthony was expected back in the line-up on Sunday but was unable to go with what the team called a new LINjury. Anthony was healthy for a game on Monday in which the Knicks lost a situation the team is calling a coLINcidence.

Lin was sleeping on the couch of his brother before his recent run to stardom but now with a reported $750K a year salary will be eligible to rent a 300 sq. ft. Studio in Manhattan as long as he can get a roommate.

Boston Red Sox ace Josh Beckett says he had a "lapses in judgment" in the clubhouse last season during the teams’ historic September collapse.  Beckett says he will now respect the uniform and use a bib for his during the game pizza and beer.

CBC hockey analyst Mike Millbury is upset at the slow pace of trades leading up to the NHL trade deadline. When Mike was a GM of a struggling group he would make so many trades his team would be unrecognizable. That is unless you were looking for an AHL team.

Harvard economics graduate Jeremy Lin is the latest flash star of the NBA. Asked what he thought Lin said it doesn’t add up but makes more cents than the Republican budget alternatives.

Calgary Police officials are on the alert after a number of rabbits were found with arrows in them. They say it could be either a new and deadly breed of Cupid or a crazed hockey groupie making sure she wasn’t pregnant.

The Oakland A’s have signed Cuban defector Yoenis Cespedes to what has been ironically called a boatload of money.

An Ontario judge ruled Monday in striking down the mandatory minimum gun possession sentence saying it was cruel, unusual and not going to help the Toronto Raptor attract any free agents.

The Conservative government is expected to introduce a bill Tuesday to give police new powers to access Canadians' electronic communications. The Police say this will allow officers to stop crime, reduce crime and hopefully get the latest NHL trade rumours.

An online video of a Police officer being hit with a brick during the Stanley Cup riot was preceded by an advertisement for a pregnancy test. The moral of the story is clear; the easiest way to stop rioters is to prevent their birth.

Toronto Leafs GM Brian Burke called Toronto the centre of the hockey universe. This was confirmed by scientists who say the universe is mostly full of gas.

Tiger Woods put a sweater vest over his traditional red shirt for Sunday’s final match at Pebble Beach. The result was like most vests a little short.

Donald Trump launched a blistering attack on Scotland's First Minister, Alex Salmond, over plans to build what he called a “horrendous” wind farm off the coast of his luxury Scottish golf resort. Trump is furious the wind farm will generate more hot air than him. In related news the planned sand traps for the new course will be named “The Comb Over” and players will be required to use a special “Trump Rake” when leaving.

Legendary Toronto sports writer Trent Frayne died this week. In accordance with his wishes his body will be buried alongside the Maple Leafs playoff chances.

The Maple Leafs are on a tour of Western Canada just in time for Valentine’s Day and in keeping with the occasion TSN has released this poem.

Roses are red

Violets are bluer

Now that the Leafs are in the West

We’ll mention Vancouver

Tim Horton’s unveiled a Calgary Flames donut. It has no centre, a cream filling and not available at playoff time.

New England Patriots QB Tom Brady was furious with being charged with grounding the football when his pass seemed to go beyond everyone.  It was imply an answer to his wife Gisele’s request for friends and family to pray for him and he was sure he heard God say he was open.

NE Patriots QB Tom Brady’s wife Gisele Bundchen was caught saying her husband can’t throw and catch the ball at the same time.  She should know, as a model it is really hard for her to walk and chew gum at the same time.

Former world boxing champ Jean Pascal has turned over his Mercedes-Benz to a friend after losing a bet on the Super Bowl.  His wife is now asking friends and family to pray her husband comes to his senses.

I guess after the Super Bowl performance by MIA we can now call it the Finger Bowl

A Saskatchewan law limiting the ability of public sector workers to go on strike has been ruled unconstitutional by a Queen's Bench judge.  The ruling was for essential services such as Police, Ambulance and Beer Servers at Roughrider games.

The fans in Indianapolis gave New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick an ovation after he let the Giants score the winning touchdown uncontested.  Fans thought he was giving a nod to the Colts prevent defense. 

Best pass of the NHL All Star Game goes to the microphone wearing Chicago Black Hawks forward Patrick Kane who whispered to a teammate “That blonde is unbelievable”.  No word on if he was able to find a Taxi later to complete the scoring play.

Don’t know if Tiger Woods is a fan of politics but he is impressed by Newt Gingrich saying the old dude has game.

Which individual showed less class Alex Ovechkin not showing up for the All Star game to defend himself or Tim Thomas for showing up and trying?

Indianapolis Colts Owner Jim Irsay was upset with QB Peyton Manning saying Manning should “respect the Horseshoe” especially after all the trouble his dad went to when pulled a midnight move out of Baltimore to keep the “Horseshoe” respectable.

It looked like being at the Canada-Mexico Women’s Soccer game would be a riot but then I was let down when all the fans just had fun.

If there was extra time added on for injury in hockey like in soccer the Calgary Flames would have about 10 games added to their schedule.

Photographer Rachel Sussman is travelling the globe taking pictures of ancient organisms for her blog Oldest Living Things in the World.  So far she has documented 100,000 year old sea grass, an Oak tree that is 13,000 years old and a relief pitcher that appears to be ageless.

The Iraqi Government is suing a US soldier to return a brass buttock taken from a statue of former dictator Saddam Hussein saying the piece is priceless.  According to experts the only hard ass more valuable is NY Jets coach Rex Ryan.

It turns out Sidney Crosby was not only experiencing concussion like symptoms, but had a broken neck as well.  This has led teams with players listed as having concussion like symptoms to review the initial findings. From this it turns out 2 actually have sprained ankles, 1 a bruised bicep and 3 are recovering from the effects of an erection lasting more than 4 hours.

Fans in Indianapolis were charged $25 to sit in the stands and watch reporters ask questions during Super Bowl Media Day.  The NFL, desperate for revenue, has seized on this idea and will now offer fans the chance to watch the greatest stars wash their cars, mow the lawn and brush their teeth for only $9.99 a month on pay per view.

Kim Jong Burke

Hockey Night in Canada talking head and Hall of Shame former GM Mike Millbury was questioned by Boston Police after complaints he verbally and physically assaulted a 12 year old boy during a hockey game.  A spokesman for CBC was ecstatic saying if the kid was French Canadian they might finally have found a replacement for Don Cherry.

I guess we now know God will cheer for a QB with a model wife instead of a model Christian.

The Toronto Raptors unveiled a 3 dimensional sign behind the basket in their home opener, 2 dimensions more than their offence.

A Vancouver developer has unveiled 30 "micro-lofts," which are under 300 square feet in size and are touted as the smallest self-contained furnished rental apartments in Canada.  The lofts are said to be perfect for those on a fixed income, low income or CFL income.

The City of Vancouver is looking to implement scramble crosswalks at the city's busiest and most dangerous intersections.  Police feel this will allow greater safety when trying to cross the street during riots.

Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) star Brock Lesnar and a hunting guide have been charged with three counts under Alberta's Wildlife Act.  An unidentified source says Lesner will be charged with 2 counts of unlawful hunting and one of not stopping when the animal tapped out.

A new church in Saskatoon is using high-tech solar panels alongside traditional stained glass.  The parish feels this will allow attendees to watch Rider games while in services without draining the electrical budget.

Montreal Canadians fans are incensed their new coach does not speak French.  Especially upset are reporters who say he has taken the joy out of ridiculing him by not being able to understand their attacks.

North Korea’s dictator Kim Jong Ill died this week with officials saying the last undisputed dictatorship now resides in Toronto and have nicknamed him Kim Jong Burke.

BS in the BCS

Police in Calgary are warning people about the dangers of ecstasy saying the drug has been linked to deaths and overdoses.  The easiest way to get off ecstasy say experts is to stop cheering for the Flames.

An Alberta mom has given birth to 2 New Year’s babies in a row.  The odds on this are just slightly higher than the Flames winning 2 games in a row.

Calgary Stampeders QB Henry Burris was traded to the Hamilton Tiger Cats.  Burris says he will miss the chance to go for a Grey Cup and getting into his neighbors D cups.

Since Toronto Maple Leafs coach Ron Wilson received a contract extension the team has lost 3 games in a row.   GM Brian Burke was nonplused saying if he had let Wilson go he would be losing games with a much better team.

NY Rangers coach John Tortorella said he believes the NHL and NBC tried to fix the Winter Classic to go into overtime.  A spokesman for the NHL says the game was not fixed but he does expect Tortorella to be neutered.

The Montreal Canadians have apologized for not hiring a bilingual coach saying they thought a unilingual coach could just as easily waive the white flag.

God was asked why he had abandoned Tim Tebow during the last 3 games of the season only to be at his side in the overtime win against Pittsburgh.  God said Christmas is a tough time for him what with birthday preparations and all the rappers releasing albums, but likes to throw in a miracle as a New Year’s treat for the devoted.

Boston Bruins forward Brad Marchand was repent for his hit on Vancouver Canucks Sami Salo saying he was only protecting himself from a bigger opponent.  This explains why Marchand only received 5 games as the NHL believed his apology was really big of him.

With the BCS championship game over we can now finally say goodbye to College football, except for the court cases, suspensions and drug arrests.

Hundreds of people attended the opening day of public hearings that may determine the fate of a controversial plan to build the Northern Gateway pipeline to the West Coast from Alberta's oilsands in the First Nations community of Kitamaat Village, B.C.  In addition to the usual suspects it was surprising to see the NHL represented, saying they will support the pipeline but only if the NHLPA gives up some revenue.

Finance Minister Jim Flaherty says the next budget will be “prudent” which is like the NY Yankees saying they will spend “cautiously”.

A landmark Caribbean eatery is being forced to vacate its Queen Street East digs after a new landlord has ordered the restaurant off the property.  The Real Jerk recently received notice that the property located at Queen Street East and Broadview Avenue had been sold to a developer who wants the restaurant to leave by the end of the month.  An NHL spokesman was stunned saying they thought the real jerk was Brad Marchand.