Wrap it up!

Quebec Separatists are in an uproar over plans to re-enact the Battle of the Plains of Abraham saying “what kind of country celebrates their defeats?” A spokesman for the Toronto Maple Leafs says they still plan to honour players from the ‘70’s, 80’s, 90’s and forward.

I guess this means no more showing clips from the Montreal Expos.

The US Government is taking toxic assets off balance sheets of financial lenders creating a so called “Bad Bank”. The NHL tried something similar in the 90’s where financially irresponsible salaries were concerned... it was called the NY Rangers.

A British Cabinet Minister is under attack for saying taking the drug ecstasy is no more harmful than horse riding. In Canada equestrian rider Eric Lamaze commented saying it is way more difficult when you do both.

A-Rod says he has grown-up and can now reveal he has taken steroids. Asked if this means he will return some of the money he made under illegal means A-Rod said he has grown up not gotten stupid.

Top 5 signs your teammates were taking steroids
# 5 The 3rd baseman asks you to spot him while he bench presses his car out of the ditch
# 4 You had a .350 average with 45 homers and still batted 7th
# 3 Team hires clubhouse boys just to blow up donuts
# 2 Your end of the year picture was in pinstripes and you don’t play with the Yankees
# 1 Every year a player from your team is named MVP

The US Olympic Committee released a report on the underachieving results for the track and field team and according to people who have seen it say it was less than inspiring.

Sean Avery cleared waivers and now the rest of the NHL players are wondering why he is getting seconds.

A new show scheduled for next year is called Trauma where an arrogant, conceited blow hard abuses his staff while he tries to create a successful team. If I was the Maple Leafs I would sue for infringement of intellectual property.

The proliferation of poker as a sport on TV makes financial sense for the networks but I’m going to have to say check.

With Guy Lafleur and Patrick Roy being dragged into legal proceeding because of their sons maybe the best defense for a retired NHL’er is not a good offense it’s a condom.

The former girlfriend of baseball player Roberto Alomar is suing him for having unprotected sex. This is one of the times a player was charged for not corking his bat.

With the economy being so bad people are being forced to make entertainment decisions such as in Calgary where we have the choice between tickets to Cheech and Chongs tour or listening to Michael Phelps.

Being single must be tough for girlfriends of pro athletes. For example at Valentines Day do you give the bad news about the AIDS or pregnancy tests in a card or a gift wrapped lawsuit?

If girlfriends are now going to be allowed to sue athletes whenever they say “trust me” this could be the ultimate stimulus package for the economy.

Who would have thought that by not opening the condom package you could stimulate both yourself and the economy?

Quebec aerospace company Bombardier has revealed the new design of the Olympic torch. In keeping with the theme of the Winter Games the torch is shaped like a snow drift and as a nod to Quebec is powered by burning taxpayers’ money.

One of the difficult aspects of the torch was finding a tasteful way to add “Stephen Harper Sucks” in the snowflakes.


A new Stonehenge that is a calendar 5000 years old was discovered in Alberta. This is proof there was intelligent life in Alberta before the Sutter clan.

The striped throwback uniforms the Montreal Canadians and Toronto Maple Leafs played in required the NHL to get permission from the Cincinnati Bengals as they are the offseason jail attire of the team.

The toughest catch at the Superbowl was the poor roadie who nearly dropped Bruce Springsteen's high and outside toss of his guitar.

Now we know why Michael Phelps was eating 8000 calories a day, the munchies.

I guess it’s more accurate to call Phelps a rolling model as compared to a role model.

Roger Goodell says the Toronto NFL experiment was a smash success except for the ticket prices which at 10x the regular price of other teams needs to be increased due to the poor exchange rate.

The world’s longest snake was found in Columbia. As a way to measure it you could lay 10 player agents lengthwise and it still would be the largest snake.

Top 5 signs your trainer injected you with steroids

# 5 He can draw your rear end from memory

# 4 He buys hats that have Velcro for expansion

# 3 His nickname is “Needles”

# 2 His previous job was a trainer for horses

# 1 The only piece of ass he has gotten lately is yours