The elusive Doesn't Matter

The Federal Government is about to issue new guidelines on wearing facial coverings in public.  The new legislation will ban Burkas and other facial coverings but exemptions are made for Toronto Maple Leaf, Edmonton Oiler and Calgary Flame fans who wear paper bags to games.

After nixing a trade that would have sent New Orleans Hornets star Chris Paul to the LA Lakers league commissioner and de-facto owner of the Hornets David Stern listed his reasons.  1. It was a bad trade for the Hornets. 2. It was a bad trade for the Lakers. 3. It was a good day for Voodoo dolls.

If the NHL league commissioner could disallow trades based on their being bad for a team Mike Millbury might still have a job as GM.

The NBA is instituting a new protocol for concussions with each member of the league to be tested at the start of the year to provide a baseline.  First up to be given a head scan is Commissioner David Stern who will be tested again if the league is able to sell the New Orleans Hornets.

Sighting a hard-shelled sea turtle off British Columbia's coast is extremely rare, so experts are both puzzled and concerned that three such turtles have washed ashore in the last two weeks on Vancouver Island.  Officials say they usually see slow, hard shelled animals turn up when Hockey Night in Canada tapes their Hot Stove Lounge in Vancouver.

Questions are being raised about whether principals in B.C. schools are qualified to administer breathalyzers.  Parents have raised concerns in light of the Penn State abuse scandals as to whether we want school officials asking kids to blow anything.

Winnipeg Jets license plates went on sale Monday and were being snapped up at a at Autopac agencies around the province.  Officials say they are expecting more plates to be sold, especially collector items crafted by convicted sex offender Graham James.

Researchers this week are expected to release findings from the Large Hedron Collider that confirm the existence of the God Particle thought to be the source of all matter in the Universe.  The particle was found when objects were made to collide in a circular arena travelling at high speeds.  Early indications are the particle has a large collar, wears gaudy suits and answers to the name “Coach”. 

An unexpected finding happened when looking for origins of dark matter and anti-matter of the existence of a new energy called doesn’t matter.  This is said to be the reason there is hockey in Phoenix.

A new realignment in the NHL was questioned when reports of a 5^th conference featuring only the Phoenix Coyotes came to light.  A spokesman for Gary Bettman says the Coyotes which will compete against itself and be guaranteed a shot at the Stanley Cup, is in no way a thinly veiled attempt to re-coupe the losses of the past few years.  “The fact is Phoenix is a unique situation” said the official who spoke to media “Phoenix will play inter-squad games until a winning team is picked or a buyer is found”.

The Surrey Urban Mission is looking for a looking for a place to serve Christmas dinner to people in need this holiday season. For the past 12 years, the Mission has served its meals in a Whalley church, which is shared by four faith groups. But this year, with Christmas falling on a Sunday, there is a conflict over the space as churchgoers need the church for services.  A spokesman for the Calgary Flames said they would love to help but the Saddledome is booked thorough out the season with the team serving up turkeys nearly every night.

A janitor at a Canada Post sorting station in Castlegar, B.C., has been charged with 14 counts of mail theft for allegedly opening and stealing Christmas mail.  The man will plead innocent saying he knew the presents were for BC Lions players and felt they got enough gifts from Winnipeg in the Grey Cup.

If the Federal Government can send in a third party manager to Attawapiskat for gross spending violations why can’t they appoint one for the Calgary Flames?

Headline: HOCKEY FIGHTS MAY INCREASE DEGENERATIVE BRAIN DISEASE RISK.  This is followed by Headline: Drinking paint thinner tastes bad and Headline: Telling your wife she is fat not recommended.

Two over 70 former CFL greats traded punches this weekend during Grey Cup celebrations in Vancouver.  Angelo Moska and Joe Capp renewed decades old hostilities with Moska even using his cane to ward off Capp.  A spokesman for the Calgary Flames was in attendance and has advised Coach Brent Sutter to allow his aging player to bring their canes to defend themselves.

The B.C. Supreme Court has upheld the conviction of a West Vancouver man for punching a North Vancouver woman who told him to stop making a mess of her recycling bins.  In Calgary Flames fans are getting to the point of violence after repeated attempts to recycle used players.

Vancouver health care administrators are defending hospital parking fees, after Canada's top medical journal called for their abolition in an editorial on Monday.  A spokesman for the Hospital says the fees help balance their books; in fact they made thousands after the Stanley Cup riots.

B.C. NDP MLA Jagrup Brar will temporarily give up his home and salary and live on $610 welfare for one month after accepting a challenge from campaign group Raise the Rates.  A spokesman for the CFLPA was encouraged by the development and hopes he will post how he did it as a guide for rookies in the CFL.

Vancouver police are seeking possible witnesses of an assault that was committed against a Calgary Stampeders fan that was possibly sparked by his choice of jersey.  A spokesman for the Police say they are looking for a 75 year old man who was last seen headed for the CFL awards.

Researchers say a deer-sized, plant-eating dinosaur that roamed Saskatchewan 66 million years ago is a new species.  This is the 1^st new species since the discovery of Kenius Milleras nearly 5 years ago.

Detroit Lions defensive end  Ndamukong Suh's stomp will cost him two games without pay.   Asked to comment a NFL spokesman said it was a step in the right direction.

Catching Up

It was in keeping with his faith when Tim Tebow lost on Sunday. Christians have never fared well against Lions.

The good news I was offered a position at a major US University…bad news it was ball boy for Penn State.

Michigan State and North Carolina played the 1^st ever College game on an Aircraft Carrier, the USS Carl Vinson. The game was relatively free of problems although it made the tailgate party a little wetter than usual.

Washington Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos was kidnapped from his home in Venezuela which has MLB officials in a dilemma. Do they join the investigation or use Venezuela as a place to send players like Adam Dunn?

Having a memorial cart race to honour a man who died in an auto crash seems a little ghoulish. What next a fighting contest to honour hockey players who died from head injuries?

Hickstead the great Canadian equestrian horse of rider Eric Lamaze has been found dead. Officials have ruled out cocaine as a cause but have not yet checked the horse.

After being beaten 7-0 by the Boston Bruins I wonder how long it will take Leafs coach Ron Wilson to agree to an extension.

IOC doping head Dick Pound is furious over allegations by former enforcer Georges Laraques of widespread use of steroids in hockey. Pound then went on to say allegations of corruption, bribery, harassment and vote peddling by the IOC are an internal matter.

NBA Commissioner David Stern is giving the players an ultimatum to agree to a deal or get less in the future, because if there is anything NBA players react well to it is being threatened. Stern might want to be more selective in his wording or everything could get shot down…literally.

Great I have my winning ticket for the NFL riding on the New Orleans – Indianapolis game and New Orleans missed on the last touchdown so I didn’t cover the 56 point spread.

Being a Roughrider fan this year is tough because people want to know who you are cheering for now that breaking the QB’s foot is complete. Winnipeg? Screw them they got the Jets and a cool logo, Calgary has the Flames and Cowboys so forget them and Edmonton has Ft. McMurray. Guess I’ll have to go with a true western team Hamilton.

Ken Miller has stepped down as Coach and VP of Operations for the Sask. Roughriders. Ken said he would like to stay but he is getting to an age where he is not so much interested in what players do on the field as keeping punks off his lawn.

Kim Kardashian is cancelling her marriage to NBA player Kris Humphries which was a surprise to Kris as he felt he was giving her sufficient backcourt pressure. No word on how it will affect her show but we ET in an exclusive worldwide interview with Kim, says she will try to keep the divorce private

Phoenix Coyotes forward Raffi Torres is being criticized for wearing blackface while dressed as rapper Jay-Z at a Halloween party. Torres begged forgiveness saying he was Canadian and didn’t know there were any white rappers.

When Canada played the US in the final for water polo gold medal at the Pan Am Games ESPN tried to sexy up the game by promoting it as half naked women tossing a ball by the pool and charging $3.99 a minute to watch.

Former Edmonton Eskimo Adam Braidwood is facing more weapon charges after a gunfire incident in Port Coquitlam, B.C.  Braidwood was upset saying he was merely trying to get into shape to join the Cincinnati Bengals.

The number of cougar sightings in Vancouver has raised the alarm of parents, police officers and wives who have husbands playing for the Canucks.

Vancouver has been named one of the world's three worst-dressed cities and fashionistas blame yoga pants and fans who wear the Canucks retro jersey from the ‘80’s.

Canada is turning heads with their play at the Rugby World Cup especially a man nicknamed “Beardo” for his uncontrolled facial hair.  Asked what prompted the fashion statement “Beardo” said after getting paid to play rugby in Canada he had no money left for razors.

Indianapolis Colts QB Payton Manning is said to be using a hyperbolic chamber to help recover from neck surgeries.  Medical experts say the chamber will help but what that might get him well enough to play this year is a time machine.

The last word Victor Ortiz said to Floyd Mayweather before Mayweather knocked him out? But…

Former US vice President Dick Cheney is coming to Calgary to give a talk, make some money and exchange enhanced interrogation techniques with the Sutters.

A Russian man jumped out a 5 story window, twice, in an attempt to get his wife to stop nagging.  Defensive lineman Albert Hainsworth says he considered doing that to get away from ex-coach Mike Shanahan but couldn’t get up the stairs.

A company in NY is making a 911 Merlot wine that the vintner says has a Smokey taste.  The wine has caught the eye of the Vancouver Canucks who plan to bottle a wine from their 2011 Stanley Cup run and say it will be a Rioting Riesling.  Naming a wine after a disaster is something the Toronto Maple Leafs are considering bottling with the Bud Wine.  It will feature losing vintages from such seasons as 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007 etc.

Jack Nicholas says Tiger Woods can still beat his record for most Majors if he gets the 5 inches between his ears under control.  Most experts say Tigers biggest problem is the reported 7 inches in his pants.

Sidney Crosby has been cleared to play without contact so I guess he is only going to suit up for games against the Vancouver Canucks.

The Quebec Government is trying to pass legislation that would protect them from lawsuits if the planned deal with Quebecor over management of a yet to be built arena in Quebec City passes.  This is known in hockey terms as buying a cup before playing hockey.

Vancouver Police have concluded report on the riot after last Springs Stanley Cup playoff loss could have been prevented.  The report says there should have been more Police, better screening and it wouldn’t have hurt if the Vancouver goalie could have stopped a shot or two.

A protest movement against the awarding of the Order of B.C. to former premier Gordon Campbell appears to be gaining momentum.  The award is being compared to retiring the Sedin twins jerseys in tribute to their playoff performance.

A U.S. judge has cleared the way for an Ohio woman to sue a Vancouver-based software company after naked video-chat photos of her were snapped without her permission.  The court was hearing the case as this was the 1st time naked pictures of a person other than an athlete, politician or groupie were involved.

40 women in BC have played the longest hockey game over a period of 10 days.  The game beat out a Leaf/Oilers exhibition game that was to be played until the 1st goal was scored.

Three office workers in Victoria, B.C., were taken to hospital after unwittingly sampling home-made brownies made with marijuana on their break.  The workers were given the day off and told to eat a bag of Cheetos and report back in the morning.

Philadelphia Flyers general manager Paul Holmgren has been hospitalized following a bike crash at the New Jersey shore.  Holmgren was at the Jersey Shore trying to see if Snookie could skate before offering her a contract as the teams’ enforcer.

What a week in the CFL with Regina beating Winnipeg, Edmonton upsetting Calgary and Hamilton pummeling Montreal.  Despite this the biggest upset of them all was later when the players received their game cheques.

Calgary Flames GM Jay Feaster has made a couple of salary dumps that seems to indicate in addition to his management skills he also has specialized video shooting skills and footage from the last NHL GM meetings.

Barry Bonds had his remaining 7 charges against him for obstruction of justice in his doping case dropped or as Barry called it a Hat Trick.

Javaris Crittenton, a former player for the National Basketball Association’s Washington Wizards, was arrested in Southern California in connection with a murder in Atlanta.  Officials with Georgia and California penal systems are hoping to land him as this could be the start of a prison Dream Team.

Tiger Woods will play in the Frys.com Tournament the 1^st time he has player a lesser layout since he stopped by a Buffalo Hooters.

A fierce blustery storm blew out over the East Coast as it headed to NY with meteorologists saying the damage would have been worse had it not run into the hot air coming from Rex Ryan’s media conference.

Vancouver has been knocked out of top spot as the world's most livable city because of a highway closure on Vancouver Island, according to Britain's Economist magazine which does the ranking.  The magazine was asked if the rioting played a part and they responded “You call that a riot?”  You Colonials are so cute.

Emergency crews in Langley, B.C. worked to remove a hot-air balloon caught in some trees and power lines near the banks of the Fraser River, but it is not clear how it got there.  Preliminary reports suggest it might have been the last of the Vancouver Canucks playoff fans to return to earth.

The biggest winners in the BC HST reversal are CFL players who can now add tomatoes to their Mac and Cheese.

The B.C. government is attempting to seize the $3.1 million home of a West Vancouver woman charged with human trafficking.  The house was used to house people paid so little they were virtual slaves.  In a press conference the President of the BC Lions says BC Place Stadium is safe as the players don’t live there.

The Stanley Cup took an unexpected tumble in St. John's Tuesday, when it toppled over and fell off a table during a photo op with Boston Bruins player Michael Ryder.  For a minute it looked like Vancouver Canucks goalie Roberto Luongo might be able to catch it but it was deflected and beat him 5 hole.

 Authorities in Minnesota say Winnipeg Jets star Dustin Byfuglien was arrested after being charged with operating a water craft while intoxicated. Dustin got support from former teammate Patrick Kane who Tweeted “Take a cab next time”.

The Saskatchewan Roughriders and Winnipeg Blue Bombers are exchanging taunts via billboard ads in the opposing cities.  Someone is getting pasted this weekend.

Saskatchewan has signed a 20 year agreement with the RCMP to continue providing services. A minor change will now see the force no longer being called the scarlet surge but the green menace.

Plowed to the Max

The Oakland Raiders justified their selection of Terrelle Pryor in the supplemental draft saying his immature indiscretions with the Law would balance the more mature indiscretions of the team in general.

Cincinnati management was outraged because they thought the fix was to go their way and threatened to put a cap in someone’s ass if it wasn’t changed. The official tat of the capping is trademarked PT Patent Threatened!

Giving a 69 year old with wife a related illness control of the team is a risky matter. The condition Idon’twanttoliveinsaskatchewan is rampant and only the affliction Idon’twanttoliveinedmonton has a higher degree of infection than the wives of coaches working in Saskatchewan. Team officials with both the Riders and Oilers unofficially stated the obvious when they released a statement praising the patience and tolerance or the wives and promising to construct condo’s near the airport... like soon.

Do you know if you play the fight song to the Indianapolis Colts backwards it spells Bret Favre.

The CFL has a history of employing wise, innovative, dedicated men to run many of the great teams and revive moribund franchises which is such a contrast to the idiocy of the legislative process. They should swap places and have CFL executives and coaches in the White House, House of Representatives and Senate. The world would look a whole lot different if the US Chairman of Fed was Angelo Moska, Ken Miller was Chief of Staff and Nancy Pelosi was Commissioner of the CFL.

A planet 4000 light years from earth has been discovered and believed to be covered with diamonds. Astronomers say the planet is carbon rich and they play to name the body Kobe’s Apology.

Former NFL and MLB player Bo Jackson is now the part owner of a Bank. It turns out Bo know credit default swap mortgage backed derivatives as well as baseball.

A sea lion rescued on the west coast of Vancouver Island is in critical condition and hopes for recovery are said to be less than the BC Lions chances for a playoff. Nothing against Se Lions but when did our health care system become transformed as an animal hospital? Natives have other words for a wounded Sea Lion… lunch and a coat.
Over $1 million in Blackberry phones were stolen from a warehouse in Ontario. The thieves were very professional with one Police official calling the robbery Text Book.

Oilsands protesters are planning a gathering in Ottawa and hope to get to the event using hope, love and Unicorn tears for fuel. The protestors say they will have sit downs and local events once they are unable to travel due to lack of oil.

There's a baby boom in Calgary, with the city expecting a record 18,000 births this year. Officials say the youthful population, strong economy and recent visits from NBA players among the reasons.

Calgarians who were upset the NDP under Jack Layton used their City and resources to score political points in Quebec were still planning to attend his funeral. According to a spokesman for the group they just wanted to make sure he was dead.

The Calgary Stampeders vow to get to the bottom of a tweet that landed quarterback Henry Burris in hot water saying sexist taunts have no place outside of normal groupie chat.

A farmer in Saskatchewan is rumored to be the lucky winner of $40 million in the Lotto Max draw. Asked what he plans to do with the winnings the new millionaire said he will just keep farming until it is all gone.

SaskTel has been ordered to make changes in how it collects information from sick workers after an arbitrator ruled the company was not respecting employee privacy. The ruling validated workers claims for missing work due to Rider Fever.

A tax credit is now available for Saskatchewan families with children studying arts. This has led to a rush in classes offering watermelon carving, face painting and opponent taunting.

Money for Nothing

The Canadian Government is going back to their roots by re-naming the Canadian Military, The Royal Canadian Armed Forces. In an attempt to capture the excitement the Toronto Maple Leafs say they will now refer to GM Brian Burke as the Royal Pain in the Ass.

Quebec police are investigating after a small-town mayor reportedly dumped a gigantic 20 ton boulder onto the lawn of his ex-wife with birthday wishes for her spray painted on the rock. Police are investigating and believe charges may be issued as part of the message was in English thus contravening the Provinces language laws.

The rock is huge and no one remembers seeing one as big since Kobe Bryant apologized to his wife for cheating on her.

The B.C. SPCA is asking for the public's help in identifying two people suspected of dumping three kittens into a garbage can on Vancouver Island. The public is outraged and will not tolerate this kind of behavior. That they leave for the daily dumping on the BC Lions by reporters and fans.

The English Government is promising to conduct war on gangs to combat last week’s riots. This follows other interventions by Briton including the war on terror, war on drugs, and war on gingivitis.

A University of Alberta scientist has figured out a way to transform cattle parts into plastic to offer a potentially profitable alternative to the disposal of all those bits that the mad cow crisis turned into waste. Initial products manufactured with the products will be high demand Alberta items such as Saskatchewan Roughrider hats, flags and foam fingers.

For the first time in franchise history, the Regina Red Sox are the Western Major Baseball League champions. This is the 1st time a team from Regina has won a championship and not used the power of the watermelon.

The Canadian Food Inspection Agency and Canada Safeway are warning the public about a dip that may be contaminated with Listeria. Shoppers are being advised to avoid the dip and spread their money around.

A teenager who tricked hotel guests and restaurant employees to set off fire alarms and sprinkler systems has been convicted under the rarely-used charge of conveying false messages. Lawyers for the boy say they will fight the charge saying if spreading false messages was a crime they would have to arrest everyone involved in the BC Lions Glee Club.

A Vancouver man is fighting a $29 ticket for not wearing a helmet while riding his bicycle, saying the law is a violation of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. The fight is being paid for by the CFL Players Association who seems to have no problem with players being on the field without their helmets. I want to say the guy is a head but upon further review let’s say he is special.

The Alberta Government is being asked to lift restrictions on prescription pain medication saying it is the least that can be done for Flames and Oilers fans.

Chris Johnston of the Tennessee Titans is holding out saying he wants more than running back money. This contrasts with CFL players who hold out for more than pin money.

The new Spy Kids movie is in 4D which includes a card to scratch and sniff to create a visual sensation. The Saskatchewan Roughriders have a similar concept this year it’s called the playbook and it stinks.

The 84 year old Pope was in Spain this week with youth delegates chanting “this is the Pope of the youth” which is similar to the Calgary Flames signing 32 year old defenseman Scott Hannan and calling it part of their youth movement.

Troubled tech giant RIM is introducing a new music service with the 1st song on offer expected to be the Funeral March.

A woman in Germany has not used money in the last 16 years saying she was able to get by on barter and trade. Her lifestyle is a part of a book she has just written called “Living like a CFL player”

Sign of the times

It was a tough week for the US President and instead of celebrating his 50th birthday he was accused of having no spine, and being the 1st President to preside over a downgrade of the nation’s credit rating. Bond rating companies were a big part of the reason the last economic calamity occurred and they say when they say you have a lowered credibility it is like a Leafs fan calling you a loser.

Being lectured by Standards and Poor is like Tiger Woods former caddy making more money at a PGA tournament with another player than Tiger did as a player in the tournament, odd.

Health Canada has issued a warning about ingesting certain West Coast mussels saying they may induce vomiting. This is not to be confused with the feelings of nausea that many BC Lions fans are feeling despite a consensus the team lacks muscle.

The exploits of SEAL Team 6 were further heightened this week when a helicopter carrying 30 servicemen was shot down with a complete loss of life. The group included over 20 members of SEAL Team 6, which topped off a 3 month period where they successfully accomplished a Somali pirate rescue, celebrated the Bin Laden execution and had their SEAL Team 6 trademark registered to Disney pending a legal challenge. A spokesman for Disney was horrified at the news saying it would do nothing for lunchbox collectables.

It is hoped the legal hostility between Disney and SEAL Team 6 can find common ground during these difficult times. We believe the rumors of Disney’s involvement in the operation are just that because the US military has promised quick justice for the culprits. It wouldn’t look good to see Mickey Mouse on the Homeland Security most wanted poster or have to tell your little one they are taking Pluto to the “farm”.

New evidence recently uncovered show the CIA had Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau under surveillance. After the recent bout of deficit spending has brought the US to their financial knees we can only assume the US learned everything about Trudeau and his fiscal policies and were just slow in implementing them.

A researcher with the University of Saskatchewan has been awarded a prestigious grant to work on post traumatic shock disorder. The committee felt the choice of Regina for a location was a really fortunate coincidence as any breakthroughs in treatment for PTSD can help Rider fans deal with the losing season and shock of not being in contention.

Now is the time Riders to put your nose to the watermelon rindstone.

A new report out says people with an English accent are seen to be more authoritative and comforting. This explains the Riders hiring a new PR spokesman Oliver Twist.

Police in Newfoundland say a robbery at a drug store in Conception Bay South has led to the theft of thousands of pills. Police say many of the pills were contraceptives and are looking into possible connections between the theft and the start of NFL groupie training.

Montreal drivers are becoming nervous after a slab of a tunnel suddenly collapsed barely missing drivers. The accident is different from other infrastructure collapses in the Province like the falling apart of Olympic Stadium as people can’t avoid going to work like they stayed away from Expo games.

A Vancouver cardiologist has been suspended for three months after admitting to sending inappropriate text messages last fall. The review panel said although the texts were related to his profession sending “I (heart) you” to female patients was over the top.

Two Czech tourists jumped into an icy river in an attempt to escape with fossils from B.C.'s Burgess Shale Formation last week. Police are concerned this may be a trend as there have been reports of other fossils coming under attack, most notably Lions head coach Wally Buono.

A Vancouver man who bit off his girlfriend's nose after she refused to have sex with him has been sentenced to eight years for aggravated sexual assault. This seems like a case of biting off the nose to seal his fate.

A judge has hit several Greenpeace protesters with $2,000 fines for unfurling a banner off the Calgary Tower a year ago. As spokesman for Greenpeace was livid saying the protesters were just trying to raise a banner for Calgary and when the Flames do it there is cheering.

More than $130,000 in damage was caused by a fire that destroyed a number of golf carts at the Assiniboine Golf Club on Winnipeg's Ness Avenue Sunday morning. Club members say the course will re-open soon although golfers will experience a walk in the park.

Manitoba's fire commissioner has been fired after financial irregularities were found during a routine audit. Auditors became suspicious when expense reports were filed for shirts supposedly used during the annual fireman’s calendar photo shoot.

Winnipeg may have to forfeit its unofficial title as the mosquito capital of Canada after figures released Thursday show average mosquito counts in the city are the lowest in more than three decades. Tourism officials now say people are not coming to Winnipeg for the usual reasons.

A comment by Toronto Mayor Rob Ford suggesting advertising should be allowed inside school buildings is causing some controversy. Ford said it's ridiculous that school gymnasiums sit empty when they could be generating revenue. In an ironic turn the 1st advertisement to go up in a school was sponsored by Citizens against Rob Ford.

Putting advertisements for companies inside schools is all a part of Ford’s new Toronto which shifts responsibility for things like literacy and ethics to the private sector. Asked to comment Ford thought the idea was a step in a goodly direction.

Tough to tell which Playbook is getting a bigger overhaul, RIM’s Tablet or the Minnesota Vikings offense.

Tiger Woods is having a difficult time separating his personal life from his golf game. After a disappointing weekend of play Tiger was asked who would be holding his club for the PGA Championship and out of habit he said a blond.

Chad Ochocinco says he will stay with a fan at the start of the NFL season with his new team the New England Patriots. The idea is a publicity stunt whereas in the CFL it is known by a more technical term, the living allowance.

Los Angles has approved a new $1.2 billion stadium for the city with a hope they can acquire an NFL franchise by 2014 with the expected relocation of the team to Portland in late 2016.

Tiger Woods says he is having troubles with his grip leading to his new saying grip it you idiot. Funny, a good grip is what Tiger’s hookups say was the most charming thing about him.

There are reports Tiger Woods is looking to hire the caddy that was let go by Adam Scott when he hired the caddy Tiger let go. This is like a wife swap story except it was usually the wife who was left holding the new bag.

According to an insider when Alex Rodriguez was called by MLB to explain his poker games Alex asked “What’s the deal?”

The latest sponsor to flee from Tiger Woods is watch maker Tag Heuer who released a statement saying “It’s time”.

The Toronto Blue Jays have been accused of stealing signs at home leading to an abnormal number of home runs. A quick look at their record shows the sign they most often steal is the sign of surrender.

Tossing rookies under the bus

2011 NFL Labour Lockout/ Lawsuits/ Deal/Agreement/Capitulation Highlights
After tying up negotiations with a lawsuit QB’s from the plaintiffs may initially be reluctant to take to the field and 15 yards is probably not enough of a penalty for roughing the passer

The biggest haircut was to the service industry where the price of priceless hair has remained like the chemicals they use… stagnant.

Rookies were shown how easy negotiations can be with NFL owners creating an unusually small revenue stream for sycophants, knob polishers and agents. What the rookies learned was to hire a lawyer and they will do it all.

Most segments of the sycophant industry are reporting huge decreases year over year. The new labour deal creates an amendment to the contract binding future litigants to a trickled on style of arbitration. That’s where the ones with money, owners, piss on the pile of money in question, spend it and eventually everyone will touch some of the money. Not a trickle down model more a tinkled on theory.

The contract has resulted in a new locker-room taunt for NFL rookies. “Hope you got a lot of guaranteed money”. This replaces the previous chant to an NFL rookie “You’re paying”.

Randy Moss retired and as a person who satirizes professional sport I thought “finally!” As a joke creator he was unparalleled. Who can write funnier shit than the stuff that came out of his mouth?

Often traded DL Albert Haynsworth reported for training camp and was asked how he was dealing with putting on different colors again, to which he replied I want to go back to McDonalds.

Payton Manning gave up $2 million a year to play in Indianapolis for the Colts. A survey among retired QB’s revealed, when asked if they would have considered giving up $2 million to play for a former team, revealed the number 1 response was “When was that?” Compared to giving up your health, memory and hope a couple of million isn’t that big a deal.

The NFL is trying to counteract the popularity of gangstra/guns messages of many of the players. Commissioner Roger Gödel has a new Yutube he hopes will go viral titled Drive by Moneying in which he tries to smother the Urban demographic with advertising glorifying the violence making money while driving out of Town, with the money and returning in 2 weeks for more. I think the director is Ludacris… or some crisis.

Did Chris Chelios get elected to the USA Hockey Hall of Fame as a player or an inventor?

The movie Planet of the Apes is origins take on a genetically and pharmacologically enhanced Primates flick from the ‘70’s. The Primates then form together creating a super species and is based on actual stories from College Football Try-Outs.

A disturbing new fad is the so called “flashrob” where people get together on social media sites and mob a store to rob it. Crime experts see it as a combination of “flashmobs” from social media and free agency in that the mobs go where there is money, owners are powerless to prevent them from getting everything and for the paying customer, it will take a while to re-stock the shelves.

Chad Ochocinco says he could beat Canadian MMA star Georges St. Pierre in a fight, but I’m guessing if Chad got into the ring at the end he would be calling himself OUCHocinco.

Alex Rodriguez is being investigated by the MLB after allegations he has been involved in underground poker games. The evidence came to light when MLB was shown pictures of Alex constantly walking around without a top leading to speculation he is losing his shirt. Are we really surprised Alex is being investigated for poke her?


The NDP is being criticized for appointing a former member of a separatist party to be their interim leader. To me the critique is overdone I mean if LeBron can take his talent to South Beach why should party leaders be held to a different standard in Quebec? Politics is all a game there.


Big shout out to Edward Kay who was a driving force in creating The Heart of Laughter featuring some confused comedy teacher. Edward had his children’s show, Jimmy Two Shoes, nominated for a Gemini Award… Go Edward! Can’t wait to see you in a Tux!

Montreal Time

Montreal Alouette fans are the only ones in North America that cheer loudest when their team challenges a ruling.

It might be a French thing but the last minute of the Saskatchewan-Montreal game with the Alouettes trying to pull off a miracle, lasted 23 plays, with Saskatchewan finally running out the clock after it was obvious Montreal was out of hope. The last 3 plays were like a Montreal beauty 36-24-36. 36 seconds left and Montreal turns over the ball. 24 seconds left when Saskatchewan turns over the ball and 36 seconds suddenly left, again, for Montreal to try and score.

The biggest losers in the new NFL collective bargaining agreement will be rookies who are now subject to a salary cap. This means most College players will now need at least 6 games under their belt before they can pay back all the “loans” from College “recruiters”.

The wife of Rupert Murdoch, Wendi Deng, leaped to his defense and thwarted a rush from an oncoming protester trying to hit her husband with a pie. Asked to comment battered and bruised Winnipeg Blue Bombers QB Buck Pierce thought his running backs could learn how to pick up the blitz from her.

A new study says men cheat on their partners for certain reasons such as being a risk taker, are easily aroused or they are taking an NBA road trip. Women cheat mostly because the guy they are with is taking NBA road trips.

3 people in Regina have been charged with operating a sophisticated marijuana grow operation by planting the pot between a crop of watermelons. Police say the 3 will be charged with trafficking, distributing and failure to produce enough watermelon helmets for the game against Calgary.

Brains of former CFL players have been donated to the Canadian Sports Concussion Project and a pattern has emerged with those players most likely to have damage graduating from the School of Hard Knocks.

Toronto is considering turning their Library over to private interests and in keeping with the Cities new green energy policies will burn all the environmental books to power a fan to keep the Mayor from sweating on everyone.
Calgary is looking to expand their home sharing plan where seniors live with a student to include seniors living with a health care worker. The expansion came about when a survey found most of the seniors play for the Calgary Flames and need special medical attention.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft took a shot at Washington by saying if the NFL can come to a deal on a collective bargaining agreement they should be able to do something on the debt ceiling. Both negotiations revolve around rookies with the NFL throwing their new players under the bus to get an agreement and Washington Tea Party rookies prepared to throw their country off the cliff to destroy any chance of getting one.

A Pastor in the US while giving a blessing to a NASCAR race thanked God for his “Smoking Hot Wife” which was followed by an awkward moment when the Pit Crews all chimed in “Amen”. Good thing the Pastor wasn’t Catholic or he would have been thanking God for the smoking hot young male peanut vendors.

A report out of Philadelphia says former Flyers Mike Richards and Jeff Carter were traded because of their drinking problems. The report is being denied by the players although fans of the Flyers figure someone was drunk when the trades happened.

This is not the 1st time this year an NHL team has been accused of drinking heavily with the last one being a GM who was considering signing Alexi Yashin to another contract.

Alberta Premier Ed Stelmach says the Province cannot give money to private business because they can’t appear to be picking winners, which is why they are giving $100 million to the Edmonton Oilers. Ed says no one can accuse the Oilers of being winners.

GE is sending their X-Ray business to China but they say they will use the tax breaks fought for by Tea Party members to see if they can find US jobs.

The US soccer association fired men’s coach Bob Bradley after a couple of poor results. Bradley says he was disappointed by the decision but will use his lack of success and scoring to make a run for Congress.

The Republican Party is deeply divided on what to do with the debt crisis. Tea Party members want the country to go bankrupt while the more moderate members want to give everyone a gun and let God figure it out.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford wants to cut all cultural services to balance the city’s budget. Ford says with the Jays, Leafs and Raptors Toronto has all the culture a World Class City needs.

The City of Edmonton is replacing all its 98,000 traditional street lights with high-efficiency LED lighting in an effort to save money. The city will now have dim bulbs in both the street and running their beloved Oilers.

Raising the ceiling

The United States is riveted by the negotiations to raise the debt ceiling with all sides hoping the NFL can come to an agreement on rookie salaries.

NFL owners and players are close to a deal that would end the lockout and Commissioner Roger Goddell says they should be ready to practice next week, begin contracts before that and, he will start fining players as soon as humanly possible.

The Alberta PC’s are picking a new leader with the hopefuls busy distancing themselves from the horrible atrocities committed by former Premier Ed Stelmach, all committed while the candidates were in some way responsible, accountable and a part of the mess. This is also known in sporting language as the Leafs getting a new GM.

Hacking has become a worldwide problem with the lives and secrets of famous and successful individuals under constant attack. Researchers studying the phenomenon say the choices are to accept the hacks and guard your communications, to acquire costly anti-hack protection, or go off grid and play for the Phoenix Coyotes.

Remember the good old days when most hacks were sportswriters and you could get rid of them by leaving your drink and pretending to go to the bathroom?

Three Canadians have earned spots in the upcoming Toronto Open. Officials feel the presence of the Canadians will hopefully double the expected TV audience.

Record rains in the Prairies have devastated specialty crops such as peas, squash and watermelons. Spokesmen for the Watermelon Crops Growers say they will still be able to supply demand for salads and picnics as there is not the demand from Saskatchewan Roughrider fans this year. Wearing a watermelon on your head is a lot more popular when your team is not getting their ass kicked.

Canadian Comedy from Dumbbells

Canadian Comedy from Dumbbells

In order to go forward, we sometimes need to look at the past. This is depressingly true of most aspects in life, but more so in comedy. If I was to ask (and have) comics what they thought of the Dumbbells comics would say most Club managers were doing the best they could... Rim Shot!

With the return from Afghanistan my deeply rooted connection to Canadian troops in war is filled with pride of Canadian success, sorrowed by the scandal of others, and hoping they find a peace after the conflict. The Canadian sense of humour we currently enjoy and sometimes trample to death in politically correct backlashes, started in WWI with the Dumbbells.

The Dumbbells were Canada’s 1st official attempt at putting fools clowns, and singers in charge of morale at the front line. Previously they were called “Officers”... Rim Shot! The Dumbbells called themselves a Concert Party, probably the most ironic name for a Tour since Cher’s initial “Farewell Concert” of the late ‘90’s. A Concert Party with the Dumbbells was close to the front line, had elements of comedy, and song, knew how to catch applause and when needed shrapnel. The Dumbbells were like most branches of the military, deployed in waves, the 1st of which consisted of…
Merton Plunkett, managing director and comedian
Albert Plunkett a baritone
Ted Charters, assistant manager and comedian
Ross Hamilton ('Marjorie') female impersonator
Allan Murray ('Marie from Montreal') female impersonator
Jack Ayre, pianist and music director
Bill Tennent, tenor
Bert Langley, bass baritone
Frank (later Jerry) Brayford actor
Leonard Young actor

The second wave added Bill Redpath, Elmer Belding, George Thorne, Andrew Catrano, J. McCormick, and D.L. Michie. From this group came the beginnings of the Canadian sense of humour… eh.

Unlike other more publicized entertainment from the World Wars the Dumbbells are an afterthought in Canadian history books, if they are even mentioned. They probably wouldn’t want it any other way. The Dumbbells were skilled at taking the harsh realities of life in the trenches of WWI and making it funny. Songs like 'These Wild, Wild Women Are Making a Wild Man of Me' and 'I Know Where the Flies Go', 'Hello My Dearie' (a duet by Hamilton as “Marjorie” and Tennent) and, 'Someday I'll Make You Love Me' (Hamilton as ”Marjorie”). The fly song of all others summed up the spirit of the Concert Parties in the hilarious twist on a psychologically numbing reality of flies in the trenches. Would have been amazing to see them in person… Oh to be a fly on the wall… sorry.

The jokes of the Dumbbells spread faster than malaria on a gangrened hand. The comedy they created and encouraged, fuelled what has become the Canadian sense of humour. This is to laugh in the face of death and things that are worse.

If you are a comic, Canadian or happy to have the troops home, learn about the comic history of Canada’s Military. http://bit.ly/nI3DPc

Tiger clearly seen

I was just turning 40 and watching the bloom fade from my youth and then along came Tiger. Tiger was about to redefine everything we knew about the game of the elderly. The game I was being moved into by father time. I saw golf getting sexy and I could play it, not Tiger like in any way, but who could?

His fall from grace and pinnacle was spectacular. The puns are hilarious, not a good sign. As a piece of comic advice never do anything that can be turned into a pun. Ask Congressman Weiner. Has he lost his stroke? The Tail of Tiger. Penalized for too many holes in one. No need to go further.

In all of the scandal no one is asking the questions. Was Tiger bred, trained and medicated for optimum golf performance. It looks like from all accounts of Tigers parentage his father, Earl did exercise, encourage and promote his son's talent, so yes to trained. Tigers mom said Earl asked what her handicap was so yes to breeding. As a side not she later revised her answer to say her handicap was picking faithful husbands. Tiger was able at 19, to hit it farther, higher and longer than anyone had ever seen. And his golf game was pretty good too.

Tiger transcended barriers and our adoration fuelled him to unparalleled accomplishments with not only a Championships and Majors but a Trophy Wife as well. And now we find out he was doing it with 10-40 ongoing flings. Why are we punishing this guy again? Envy? Oh yeah he is black and broke down preconceived notions of race in Golf. I think he was even allowed in as the Member of Augustus.

I want to let it go but I can't get over how strikingly similar the traits Tiger had, in golf anyway, were remarkably like those of athletes who have testified about use. The focus is on baseball of course with Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds and Aderly De La Cruz recently being investigated. Football has given up and agreed the average linebacker should be 300 lbs with a 23 inch waist. The Olympics have created their own Drug Testing Events and the Tour de France is also investigating the blood of drivers in cars.

I hate to pile on when someone is down, although I have heard it cost $1500 and is quite refreshing, it seems to make sense that we start asking questions about the stars of golf. I know with advances in technology even the average player can get more wood on it and also hit the ball farther. Tiger was on the leading edge of most technological breakthroughs in dimple design, stroke speed and grip but his help with golfing equipment breakthroughs was down right scary. His length alone... sorry.

Tiger and other athletes visited the clinic of a Canadian doctor for treatment. Think of that, a Canadian Doctor. The Doctor happened to specialize in human growth hormone injections, unique urine samples and creams but that is not important. Tiger saw a Canadian Doctor and thus put his stamp of approval on Socialized Medicine. The guy is on drugs.

Here's the thing, like President Obama said we have to eat our peas. Have the investigation, the trial could be in winter at a resort somewhere, and get as much out as the human condition allows. When it is time for moral action it won't amount to more than a couple of minutes. By then the new breed of Tigers can start training.

Retreat

Tiger Woods revealed he will not be playing at the British Open this year and will take the rest of the year off golf in order to concentrate on his stroke. Tiger says he has come to realize it’s the sex that allowed him to keep his knees together during his swing so he is looking forward to some bed work. Asked about the beard Tiger says it gives him more acting range in the direct to DVD market.

Tiger is now the Japanese spokesperson for a line of athletic rubs. The line is inspired by the crash that derailed the Tiger myth and called rub a 911.

Most of Canada’s national forces are being called back and the wounded treated for integration back into the Canadian culture. In addition to the Afghanistan combat removal we had the Winnipeg Jets returning and we sent our Sea King air ambulance to pick up the World Cup women in Germany.

Saskatchewan Roughrider paraphernalia generates the 3rd most revenue in Canada behind the Toronto Maple Leafs and Montreal Canadians. Plans are underway to list the Roughriders with a Canadian stock exchange and legitimately develop the watermelon industry. Nothing is greener than watermelons.

José Bautista of the Toronto Blue Jays became the all-time vote getter under the current Major League Baseball All Star Balloting process. Bautista has received nearly 20,000,000 clicks surpassing the previous record set by legendary groupie Alyssa Milano.

The Tour de France is back on with Frenchmen lining the streets to offer encouragement and refreshments to participants in the grueling race. Due to evidence of doping in the past, including up to the morning when they were suiting up to race, the rules now require riders to wear a yellow diaper if they are leading in the race and in positive drug tests.

Riders have to give urine tests following a day of riding 150 to 170 km’s up and down a mountain. Some of the fluids given to the competitors come from fans along the way that thrust bottles in their face. The drug testing agency has now adjusted for this and will allow an 83% error rate for contestants that test positive for a bold yet robust red.

Prince William took a couple of shots on goal during a street hockey game in the NWT and was quickly rewarded with a 2 year $3.5 million dollar free agent contract. The Leafs defended the signing saying he is tall, limited in mobility and has a weak shot or as they call it a top 4 defence man.

Critics of the signing pointed out if they wanted a shutdown guy they should have signed News of the World owner Rupert Murdoch.

TSN, Sportsnet and ESPN are all diving into the violence in pro sports theme with documentaries, discussion panels and statistics driven commentary. The words are delivered by former athletes who obviously are happy just to be able to read a cue card. You can’t argue with their logic as they don’t have writers for a rebuttal.

I love TSN spending hours programming the effects of violent collisions and can’t wait for the follow-up on head injuries called “Why is this man dumber than a 1st Grader?”

Intelligent Life?

Scientists say they have developed a telescope array that will lead to the discovery of intelligent life within 1 year. The array is powered by a computer able to distinguish static from signals emitted during intense explosions and is being tested during the NFL negotiations. So far no signs of intelligence have been detected.

A 99 year old man who has married for the 1st time says the marriage was not planned but he was going to do the right thing by her.

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman took a page out of Libyan dictator Mohamar Gadhafi’s playbook for the draft by using 2 little girls as a human shield. Bettman then asked if he could take the girls to Phoenix the next time he has to negotiate with Glendale City Council. It worked so well Bettman say he will try to hire similar little girls during trips to any of the 30 unfriendly NHL cities.

The Calgary Flames drafted a Swiss, a Finn, and a 5’6” US born centre and dealt away monster blue liner Robin Reghr thus driving a steak through the Daryl Sutter era.

Calgary drafting a 5’6” centre would never have happened with Sutter as he expected his forwards to have bowel movements bigger than that.

A Canadian goaltender in the under 18 World Cup of Soccer was credited with the rarest of feats when he scored against England. The 2nd rarest feat in soccer is when anyone else scores.

The web dating site Plenty of Fish is considering filing suit over an Alberta Government site that warns of sexually transmitted diseases called Plenty of Syph. No word on if the dating site is going to take any action against the site for the Huston Astros called Plenty of Stiffs.

Citizens of Greece who get 80% of their salary as a pension at age 53 are outraged they are being required to pay more taxes in a bailout deal. The new levy is expected to affect the nearly 1 in 70 Greeks that actually pay taxes.

Researchers at Oxford University have successfully developed a cultured meat grown in a laboratory they say is 80% less harmful on the environment. The name is in dispute as cultured meat is a web dating site for men with manners.

Toronto mayor Rob Ford is being criticized for not attending the gay pride parade to instead go to the cottage. Ford says he is not homophobic and can prove it because he often goes to Stanley Cup parades with the only difference being the size of the Cup.

Canadian soccer great Christine Sinclair score a goal in the women’s world cup despite getting hit in the face and having her nose broken. Play kept on despite the player who hit her rolling on the ground looking for a penalty.

A Calgary oil and gas company was fined $9.3 million for attempting to bribe an overseas official. They apologized saying it was needless as they were just warming up to do some Olympic bribing.

I guess former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich will not be doing commercials for the Hair Club for Men and instead is now going to be joining the share club for men.

An Emperor Penguin was spotted in Australia far away from his natural winter habitat. Sources say Sidney Crosby was just vacationing.

An awkward moment at Wimbledon when newlyweds the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge were asked by Billy Jean King if they thought wearing white was appropriate.

Edmonton Oilers reacquired fan favorite Ryan Smyth and immediately set about trying to fit his mullet under the salary cap.

Los Angeles Laker and former NBA rioting champion Ron Artest is changing his name to Metta World Peace which is Latin for You’re kidding Right? Artest says he will now focus all his energy on peace, love and trying to keep a straight face.

TSN is desperately trying to make a big deal about the NHL free agency on Friday but really if you want to watch boring dated white men debate salaries I suggest you watch re-runs of the NDP filibuster over the Post office.

Shares in RIM have hit historic lows causing NHL commissioner Gary Bettman to gloat saying the league dodged a bullet by not getting an owner who is now only worth 3 or 4 billion. The people he is talking to about Phoenix have way more money, they just don’t want to spend any.

The difference between Jim Balsillie of RIM and NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman is striking. Balsillie is a person who can sell ice to an Eskimo and Bettman can’t sell ice in the Desert.

With Roger Federer losing in the quarterfinals this is the 1st time an Englishman has not been the biggest disappointment at Wimbledon.

A ring and a hero

The Vancouver Humane Society (VHS) is asking the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge not to engage in any activities relating to the Calgary Stampede when they visit Calgary in July. Spokesman Peter Fricker says the couple should do what all Canadian political leaders do during an election and avoid Calgary altogether.

Peter Fricker, now there is a name that has more double-entendres than Congressman Weiner. And he appears to be nearly as big a dick.

Fricker say the couple should enjoy politically correct Canadian heritage events like riots and has invited the couple to light the opening rag for the Police Car Challenge.

With 2 Irishmen winning the US Open in consecutive years it looks like the Pot of Gold at the end of the rainbow has a putter and 3 iron.

A young Vancouver man who is a nationally ranked water polo player has apologized for trying to light a police car on fire during the annual Stanley Cup riots in Vancouver. The man says he was caught up in the action and now realizes fire and water don’t mix.

The man’s dad is a surgeon in Vancouver so I guess the only advice he could give his son is cut it out.

The NDP is sticking to the word Socialism in their constitution despite objections that the party is really a social democracy. The same discussion was engaged in by Toronto Maple Leaf owners who considered removing hockey team from their description.

I thought the way the NDP handled the new Quebec members was interesting by adopting the view Supreme Court Judges should be bilingual, the separation majority is 50% + 1 and Quebec should get 2 automatic berths into the Stanley Cup playoffs.

Not sure who became a bigger hero after getting his ring this week the Green Lantern or Dirk Nowiski.

The Boston Bruins were at Fenway Park to have a group toss out of the 1st pitch with Red Sox players. All went according to plan until Bruins forward Brad Marchand took offence to a pitch that was a bit high and inside to goaltender Tim Thomas and began to speed bag injured pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka.

The good news for Dodgers owner Frank McCourt is that his wife has accepted $100 million in a divorce settlement with the proceeds coming from the sale of TV rights to Fox network. The bad news the $100 million will be paid out in “Freedom Garden” seeds and Glen Beck memorabilia.

Top 5 tips for wives of the Atlanta Thrashers moving to Winnipeg
# 5 Buy mosquito repellent in bulk
# 4 Water wings make trips to the store less strenuous
# 3 Pick a neighborhood where the gang colours match the team uniform
# 2 Don’t complain remember Louis Riel was arrested for treason
# 1 Count your blessing you are not in Edmonton

If the Conservatives can issue a back to work order for Postal workers can’t they issue a back to playoffs order to the Leafs?

A report out by the Conference Board of Canada says mental illness affects 45% of Canadian workplaces. They went on to say mental illness increases to near 100% at NHL playoff time.

Floods have ravaged parts of south east Saskatchewan with residents reporting they have seen their dogs paddling away for days.

Vancouver Police are looking over more than 1 million pictures of criminal behavior during the Stanley Cup Game 7. In a surprise twist over 500,000 are of Roberto Luongo trying to stop a puck… criminal.

The man who was caught kissing a woman during the Vancouver riot is a stand-up comic who has hired an agent to book him into events. The 1st show is in Syria, followed by a brief performance in Libya and a showcase in Yemen.

Retiring NHL displinarian Colin Campbell figures he gave out $15.3 million in fines during his tenure. As an avid stats fan I calculated this is about the same amount Sunbelt NHL owners lose every year.

The 2011 NHL draft is on Friday and GM’s looking to toughen up their teams are pouring over video of the Vancouver riot. Sources close to a couple of NHL clubs say they saw a few who could light a fire under their teams.

The Florida Marlins have hired 80 year old Jack McKeon to be their next manager. Terms of the deal are 3 weeks with a club option for 4.

Florida residents when asked what they thought of the hiring reserved judgment saying they will give the kid a chance.

Asked how he will handle double headers McKeon replied… depends.

A rookie with the Dallas Mavericks who saw 0 minutes of action had the Larry O’Brien trophy tattooed on his neck. I guess he calls it a Title Neck.

Mail call

Everyone is wondering why LeBron James is not finishing out games. Look at him. The difference in the size of his arms and chest is noticeable compared to when he was in Cleveland. Maybe he misses his home cooking. Wouldn’t that be ironic that James can only become great by staying in Cleveland and eating the food and drinking the water?

I feel really bad for the NBA announcers who wanted to do a game 7 like they have been cheated somehow. I want to wear a ribbon or something. I wonder if NBA.com has a place to buy a souvenir?

Nothing is more American than a German star claiming a trophy made by Tiffany for a sport invented by a Canadian.

It has to be a bummer for LeBron as he is booed when he lost the playoff and then goes home to Cleveland and be booed for getting into the playoff.

The great thing about the NBA is that a short white guy who can’t run or jump will determine the outcome of a season, so way to go David Stearn for putting the NBA in the brink of a lockout. It’s ironic that between Stearn and Roger Goodell the two most un-athletic men in America are going to be the biggest players in the offseason.

LeBron says in a Tweet “The greater man upstairs knows when it is my time”, really? Now he’s got to hear from Pat Riley before he wins it all?

Love LeBron saying his detractors will have to go back to their life of problems and he can continue to be himself. Nothing is more special than an overpaid athlete reminding the fans he lives better than him. I would be chocked up but I think the Heat player might have a monopoly on chocking.

Bigger wiener LeBron or Democratic politician Anthony… discuss.

Reporters are saying LeBron could learn from Dirk Nowizki after Dirk was criticized in losing the 2006 NBA Finals. The difference is Dirk stayed with his team and learned to become a leader whereas LeBron quit on both his teams and leads only in petulance.

Air Canada is on strike and to those who saw Vince Carter play in the post season you could say the nickname was already grounded.

Several police officers in southern Ontario's Niagara region have been caught cheating on exams that are part of the force's promotion process. This came as a shock as the officers say they thought being given the questions and answers in advance was a part of the Thin Blue Lie.

A man was shot 4 times and killed by Calgary Police after a domestic dispute. The man had his picture in the paper with him in Saskatchewan Roughrider clothing meaning he was a die-hard fan.

The Police Chief of Calgary quickly came out in support of the killing which is like the Canucks coach defending his player after an illegal hit.

A man in Quebec has written a new “National” anthem for Quebec called Oh Quebec. The anthem is a big hit with Separatists who have decried the lack of Federal funding for the song.

Canada has a bad decade

A cloud descended on Vancouver Wednesday and then the damn Canucks had to go and lose.

First it was Calgary in ’04, Edmonton in ’06 and now Vancouver in “11. All of them lost in the Stanley Cup final in 7 games. We been primed with gas about how Vancouver is our team for the past 4 months of playoff hockey and again we Canadians miss out on the celebration. Except for the75% of the roster that is Canadian and who play for Boston, it has been a year of heartrending pain for Canadian teams and their fans.

Remember the World Juniors? Ouch enough said! As an Oilers fan it was downhill after 10 games, same for the Senators really. Calgary tanked at the start and couldn’t make the playoffs despite a valiant run and Toronto… well… the Leafs played better in the last 20 games but they were out of the playoffs as a Christmas present to their fans. Even Montreal, who had a great team and whose fans would usually provide a source of great happiness when an English Canadian team loses in the finals, even the Quebecois were not happy. The fans of les Habitants hate Bruins even more than Canucks.

The loss by the Canadian women in the World hockey championships to the American team for the gold medal was surprising. I expected the Men’s team we sent to the Worlds to get beat but I always thought Canadian women could kick any ass. It could be just the women I have married.

Winnipeg finally gets a franchise and they don’t get Phoenix who has been in the playoffs for the past couple of years and has all the great draft picks and prospects. For 3 years people in Winnipeg have been watching, in wonder, as the team they thought they would get be the recipient of some unbelievable lottery luck, incredible free agent signings and trades. But when the time comes to get a team, they get Atlanta who hasn’t made the playoffs in forever. The small consolation is for Leaf fans who are now not the Canadian standard for ineptitude.


It should be noted hands down as the worst year of hockey ever for Canadian fans. Except for the Stanley cup winning Canadian players, coaches, their families and groupies, about the only Canadian who slept well on Wednesday was Don Cherry. Ironic doesn’t even begin to cover it. The guy who would bleed maple leaf if you cut him is happy the Bruins won.

It is the worst year in the history of Canadian hockey and I can’t wait until training camp starts in August so we can win them all next year.

Textbook pass

If the Canucks don’t win the Cup it will be the second time in a couple months Vancouverites were forced to cancel their rapture. Could you imagine if the Canucks lose and the next rapture (October 21st tickets still available) comes? Going from living in a city most consider heaven on earth to a life time of being in heaven but forever knowing your team blew a 2 game lead in the Stanley Cup Finals. That would be hell.

Winnipeg officials are looking into allegations of corruption in the season ticket auction when it was discovered profiteers bought tickets. Among those getting tickets ahead of loyal Jets fans are Bernie Madoff, OJ Simpson and Seth Bladder. A spokesman for Conrad Black was interested in purchasing tickets and had to wait until after lockdown to see if his bookie was able to get them.

People are questioning the defense suggestion in the DSM assault trial, that the 32 yr old woman agreed to consensual sex with an aging, balding, pudgy man within minutes of seeing him. Sources close to the team of lawyers say they plan to introduce evidence DSM told her he was a professional a curler which also explains testimony of the victim who said he kept yelling hurry… hard.

The Alberta Government was rocked with allegations of preferential treatment in health care when a former director’s words and memo’s from his time in the health care system, pointed to MLA’s moving their friends and family to the front of treatment wait lists. A spokesman for the Calgary Flames was critical saying like inoculations the team was assured they came 1st.

People across Canada are outraged that packages to those serving for little pay on the front line may be affected by the postal strike. This includes both the armed forces care packages and a CFL players training camp emergency food rations from home. At 1st the spokesman for the Canadian Football Players Association was up in arms over the postage strike until he was assured it wouldn’t affect the players’ food stamps.

Stripping the BCS title away from the USC Trojans is harsh man it is like taking away the Tierra from the toddler. It is ironic the length of time it took to strip away the title as usually a Trojan falls right off.

Apple introduced the iCloud today. Was excited until I realized I had it misspelled, I thought it was iclod. Isn’t keeping important information in a space with continuous access what an attic is for?

I wonder if the Winnipeg Jets will claim the new $1000 hiring credit for new employees from the federal budget. Talk about sucking up to Manitoba all Quebec got was a bridge, a couple billion for a 15 year old tax adjustment and a whole new group of wealthy retirees on a MP’s pension.

The Montreal Canadians are producing a public message to remind fans everyone is special. The video is a response to recent claims the Smurfs were not small cute cartoons but rather a tool for hatred and Nazi propaganda and the Canadians decided to avert any bad publicity from their roster.

Vacation in Vancouver

Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt who had his team taken over by MLB says he needs $30 million to meet next month’s obligations. Ironically the majority of the money is to be paid to a woman who is no longer with him and a player who tested positive for being a woman who is also no longer with him. Anyone tested Frank?

The start of the Champions League final between United and Barcelona was a mirror image with Beefeaters bringing out the Cup, while in the stands those eating beef were in their cups.

Like most Albertans I am excited to see the Canucks in the Stanley Cup final because if they win our friends in BC will be in a better mood when we crash at their place for July and August.

Go Canucks but only because I lost a bet which is ironic because if I had won my bet I would have been able to spend a day or 2 vacationing in Vancouver.

Floods in Quebec, fires in Alberta & Canucks in Cup.

Re: Floods in Quebec, fires in Alberta and Canucks in the Cup.

With the return from Afghanistan of our combat forces now is the time to remind Quebec and the rest of Canada what living here means. The returning troops have previously been charged with bringing order, restoring vital services and building infrastructure in a war torn region. This is a laundry list of the needs of Canadians after the recent fires and floods that have devastated communities. Best of all we promise not to shoot at you while building a school.

Beyond the obvious it would retain the Esprit de Corps of a highly trained dedicated group of Canadians who volunteered for duty. Our troops in addition to being combat and peacekeeping have become leaders in reconstruction combat. This branch of our military attempts to restore what was bombed yesterday in retaliation for previous bombings. They are highly experienced units with specialties in electrical and structural engineering, communications, earth moving and are recognized trailblazers in the number of Timmie’s opened per sq. ft. We set the double double standard.


Let’s keep this highly trained urgently needed force together and focus on Canadian sewers, telecommunications, roads and most of all cable for the Canadians, Jets and Leafs games.

Go Canucks because I lost a bet.

Derek Wilken

Happy 300

As those of you know column 200 had my 1st hate letter... causing me joy.

I now have nothing to report after column 300.

Damn.

I'll Bareback

Nashville Predators received a lot of lucky bounces in the playoff with Vancouver Canucks. This was made easier when there was 179 “lucky bounces” recorded by playoff prognosticators. The Nashville ice was flooded no doubt due to the rivers rising in Memphis, which made the Game 6 ice resemble an indoor stock-car oval.

Top 5 signs the NHL ice has too much bounce
# 5 Linesman drops the puck and it springs over the netting.
# 4 You get a penalty for double dribbling
# 3 Ice described as having more bounce than a cheque from Boots Del Biaggio
# 2 Goaltenders trade to shortstop glove
# 1 The final score of the game was 30 – love.

I am a Calgary Flames fan so I was a bit pissed when Ric Nash leveled Michael Backland. Is the World Championships really the place to get your edge back? A late blindside hit to a defenseless player. Really Rick? That is your contribution to the World Championships? I know our teams are more accountable than in previous years, they don’t get locked up in jail before matches as much, I just think we expect more than gold at any cost. Canuck Up! The only thing you should leave your feet for in Slovakia is rats.

I picked Nashville to win and was the subject of much scorn from seasoned grizzled one foot on banana peel experts so I will Canuck Up. I though Nashville would surprise. They didn’t. Come on Sedins, you are now representing the hopes and dreams of my Canada… bring the Cup home to the true north.

Boy Thor sure has nothing on the way the NHL has brought the hammer down on head shots.

There will be a new feature for the Don Cherry Rock em Sock em videos in reaction to all the concussion controversy. From now on when you see a vicious head hit a computer program automatically calculate the loss of IQ and shows them on a special pop up screen. As a sidebar a lot of commentators were fighters.

Brock Lesnar has pulled out of his UFC 131 fight in Vancouver with an intestinal disorder as it appears even his stomach can’t stomach the steroids.

Seriously I would have bet the bull would have been thrown by the stuff coming out of Chad Ochocinco than vice versa. Lasting 1.5 seconds is about what I expected but I thought maybe if he could have done a few pus ups in the ring he might have amused the bull for a couple more seconds.

Chad and Bull sounds like a great English pub to get spotted dick

I know sports have removed steroids from the athletes, you can see how clean the MMA guys look, but I think someone has to test Jose Baltista again. For a guy that can hit the ball out of the park with each swing he looks like he needs a meal.

Not to say there was ever any doubt but looking at pictures of Chris Bosh and LeBron James from 2 years ago you have to wonder if they forgot their muscles when they took their talents to South Beach. I’m sure it is just the lighting in Miami but those pipes look a few inches smaller in diameter.

Now that I Canucked Up and am cheering for Vancouver I can’t help but notice they have 2 green men near the penalty box. Anyone else notice them? You will recognize what they look like if you have ever visited Vancouver as they don’t appear to have any money left in their pockets.

The Vancouver Canucks are trying new ways to increase their fan base. 1st they get Canada behind them for the playoffs and now they appear to be trying to get soccer fans to follow their diving.

Now that Donald Trump has decided not to run for president of the USA all of America will have to wait to see who the next hair apparent is.

I guess Arnold is regretting his latest slogan “I’ll be bareback”.

Jesse Lumsden is retiring from football although he says he can still be an effective runner. The problem is when he carries the mail he is usually delivered to an emergency.

When I was a kid in Saskatchewan the only games we could get on our radio was the Minnesota Twins and it is with sadness I learned of the death of Harmon Killebrew. I can’t remember how many home runs I hit pretending I was him but my bat was full of dings from the rocks I used as balls.

A bow to Leafs management

It really shouldn’t be surprising Toronto set a record for attendance at an MME event this is a City that can appreciate getting knocked out early and often.

Jack Layton of the NDP was accused of getting a massage at a bawdy house. The revelations came to light that the massage parlor was offering happy ending when the name of the studio was found in Brett Favres address book.

Love the new TV show Extreme Couponing or as it is known in Canada CFL players go shopping for clothes.

The Pope has given his blessing to former Pope John Paul to become a Saint. What was needed was confirmation of a miracle and it was proven from betting stubs that John Paul correctly picked the 1969 NY Mets to win the World Series.

Now that Osama Bin Laden in gone Canada can turn its attention to finding the Sedin twins.

The news of Osama being killed was delivered to a lot of people while they were at baseball games which caused such a cheer at the Boston Red Sox games that at 1st fans thought the Sox had signed a relief pitcher from Pakistan.

Al Qaida is incensed over the death of Osama saying the shooter should have gotten at least 4 games for the head shot.

The technology reviewers are giving RIM’s Playbook thumbs down calling it harder to access than an NFL playbook.

This weekend is mother’s day or it is known in the NBA “Who’s your daddy?”

The sporting world was rocked with the suicide and oddly ironic death of former pro football player Dave Duerson. Revelations following his death show he was motivated to shoot himself in the stomach in order to donate his brain to head injury research. A spokesperson for Sarah Palin was outraged saying if he really wanted to preserve the meat the correct procedure is to open your neck with a Bowie knife.

Keith Primeau has created a website called stopconcussions.com to educate people on the effects of head trauma. I’m confused does he want the site to get a lot of hits or not?

The leadership of Japan met with people who have been devastated by the earthquake and nuclear meltdown and in a show of contrition bowed deeply in shame. The Toronto Maple Leafs when asked if this was perhaps something management should consider bowed out of the question. If the Maple Leafs management had to bow every time they devastated their fan base they would have to remove the legs from their desks.

Concrete Results

The DSM a manual that determines what is a mental illness is classifying grief as a disorder. The classification is in two parts bad grief like the loss of a loved one and good grief which is what Toronto sports fans feel at playoff time.

Don Cherry ended his Easter Show with a shout out to God by saying “You can’t beat Jesus”. This was quickly refuted by a psychic from Sudbury who claimed the spirit of deceased NHL coach and noted video nut Roger Nielson spoke to him. He said Jesus could be beat high to the glove side.

Noted environmentalist and Boston Bruins defenseman Andrew Ference says he was not giving Montreal Canadians fans the finger but in Support of Earth Day was giving the finger to the Alberta tarsands. Later in game 7 Ference gave a Montreal forward the cold shoulder.

Montreal Canadians fans were incensed by the gesture of Bruins Andrew Ference. The PQ quickly capitalized on it by calling the gesture anti French and then demanded Federal funding for a foam finger that could be handed out at the next Bruins game. Instead of #1 the foam finger would have FO for French Only.

Watching Cherry Salute the Queen makes me realize he is about the closest thing we have to royalty in Canada, except he has more hair than the average Prince. Don’s suits were the topic of conversation on the ESPN talk show Around the Horn. This is like suddenly discovering Terry Bradshaw had a concussion or 30.

It seems like NHL hockey is the only sport where robbed is considered part of the statistics. You know wins… losses…robbed… the referee robbed him… the timekeeper robbed him… his manager… you get the idea.

I might be watching too many gang and corruption movies and reading too many newspapers and books but every time I see a controversial call late in a game I immediately try to guess who is being bribed. If I had the skill I know I could download an App that would allow me to track the fixes but I am a bit behind on technology I don’t know what an App is but I’ve been told it is like a VHS.

I feel bad for Nashville because with the Predators winning the team robbed country music lovers of a great somebody done somebody wrong song by Carrie Underwood. They had a couple of really bad calls at the end of game 6 that would have looked great in a video overlaid with Carrie weeping into a roll of gauze.

Teemu Selanie of the Anaheim Ducks is going to have a difficult decision on retiring because as a senior in the NHL health plan with over 20 years he is finally entitled to free dental.

The Royal Wedding is competing with the Stanley Cup playoffs and it is tough to tell who is getting the most coverage. Let’s face it there is not much difference between a shot of people celebrating at a British Pub and a video of an NHL team celebrating a goal. They have the same teeth just different jerseys, Go United!

Head Games

With all of the outrage and discussion on head shots delivered to professional athletes you would think this was the most brutal way to make a living since men were chained to oars and made to pull. Unless I am mistaken the games we play are all about hitting and the head sometimes gets in the way. It is an occupational hazard like smoke is to firefighters, drunken brawls are to police officers and STD’s are to rock stars.

Why are we so concerned about men and women who CHOOSE to play a game and get money, fame and adoration for their efforts? This is not about slave labourers who have no choice or miners that need to feed their family. This is men and women who CHOOSE to make millions and know the risk.

I feel bad for people who suffer concussions but compared to someone who works in a dangerous job and gets injured and then has to try and collect from workman’s compensation, it isn’t even close. Some workers have to take dangerous jobs to feed their families and we don’t have commissions, daily commentary and people pushing for their safety the way we do for millionaire athletes who play a game.

Life is not fair. If you want to play a game for a living the chances are you will get hurt. If you really want me to feel sorry for you take a job cleaning sewers and you will have it. Otherwise accept that you play a game and get paid more in one year than the average person will get in a lifetime. Shut up already and stop believing everything you hear from the talking heads. You are not that hard done by!

Masters 3 wqy 3 hole hayride

I wonder if the Gay and Lesbian Alliance have thought of creating an alternative to the Masters Golf tournament. Same name but give a prize of green cardigan.

When Tiger is in the hunt at the Master the voice of the announcers go up in excitement. Come on already get a booth.

Listening to the commentators it was like they were watching their sons get beat up by a bunch young whipper snappers.

They started to replay Tiger missing a putt to show what he should have done. It was like watching Howie Meeker critique Wayne Gretzky with a telestrator.

Watching Tiger is like a commercial for a Bi-Polar medication. Tiger hasn’t had this many ups and down since last Saturday at his annual 3 hole pre Masters 3 way.

Tiger hasn’t been in so much straw since his annual pre-Master 3 hole 3 way hayride.

Tiger hasn’t uttered as many profanities since his annual pre Masters 3 way 3 hole BBQ was cancelled.

Watching Tiger make a charge on Sunday was unusual for his golf standards but according to his mistresses coming from behind isn’t unheard-of.

The US government almost shut down in a dispute centering on Planned Parenthood. The last large organization to almost shut down due to reproduction issues was the NY Jets.

Jason Day had a shot that averages 340 yards off the tee. The only person known to be longer off the tee was Milton Berle.

Barry Bonds personal trainer is a key witness to the trial over his lying over steroid use. The shopper says she was willing to overlook his being injected with drugs but buying a new hat every week drove her batty.

Edmonton politicians want taxpayers in Alberta to fund a new arena for the Oilers saying it benefits all Albertans. This is true because without the Oilers the Flames start to look uncompetitive.

Upset after her application to attend the leaders debate was denied Green Party leader Elizabeth May invited voters to watch the broadcast with her. This is similar to what Brian Burke of the Toronto Maple Leafs intends to do if his application to include the Leafs in the playoffs is turned down. Burke says the Leafs have millions of fans and must be a part of any national sport playoff for the sake of democracy.

LA Lakers forward Kobe Bryant was in hot water after yelling homophobic slurs during a game this week. The team was incensed saying Kobe has to straighten up.

With the floods in Manitoba becoming severe a call has gone out to Gary Bettman who has shown exceptional skill in sandbagging Winnipeg for years over the return of the Jets.

Iceland has just opened a penis museum which has the largest collection of pricks outside of the Chicago Blackhawks locker room.

There was a scary moment in Calgary when a roof over the dining room of a senior citizens complex collapsed. Officials say the damage could have been worse but most of the Flames had opted out of the optional meal.

Canadian hockey fans should look at the Nashville as they have the kind of team that will remind us of past Stanley Cup contenders like the 2006 Edmonton Oilers, the 2005 Calgary Flames and the 1942 Toronto Maple Leafs.

Babies Unlimited

The trial of Barry Bonds took an interesting turn when prosecutors had chemists try to match his piss while defending council engaged in a pissing match.

Manchester United forward Wayne Rooney was penalized 2 games for swearing after scoring a goal. If the rule was applied to other sports some NHL players would receive the death penalty.

Turned on the NCAA College Basketball final but must have accidentally gotten the renovation channel as all I saw were players tossing up bricks. With scoring like that in College you have to feel sorry for the next batch of NBA groupies. You know the game was boring when Tiger Woods was yelling “In the hole”.

Green Party Leader Elizabeth May is outraged she won’t be allowed to participate in the TV debate with the other leaders. The broadcasters agreed parties must have at least one seat to join in the debate enraging May who said she has a million votes. The cry was taken up by NFL fans who say they have 50 million supporters yet they are not allowed in contract negotiations to save the season.

Top 5 signs it’s almost playoff time in the NHL
# 5 Leafs are making a run
# 4 San Jose sent out their apologies for an early exit to fans
# 3 Edmonton excited to get a new punter for the Eskimos
# 2 Quebec demanding Alberta send money for riot and riot control equipment
# 1 Phoenix Coyotes say sale of club is “eminent”

A study out of the US says women with 2 or more children have different fathers for the children 25% of the time. The statistic goes up in Cities where there is an NBA franchise.

It must be a lingering holdover from being owned by Disney but the Anaheim Duck sure get a lot of Mickey Mouse calls from officials both for and against them.

The NDP, Liberals and Conservatives have all decided not to campaign in Calgary despite the City being the 4th largest in Canada. The leaders say it is common practice to ignore loyal voters saying crediting the idea from watching how Gary Bettman treats Canadian hockey fans.

The Green Party says it will be fiscally prudent and only increase taxes on the oilsands of Alberta. This is known as the Harold Ballard approach to governing named after the late Toronto Maple Leafs owner who sucked all the money out of the team and then did nothing with it .

10 days after the earthquake destroyed nuclear reactors in Japan the Tokyo Electric Power Company submitted plans for new reactors. In a related story the Ottawa Senators management and coaches will meet this week to plan next year’s team.

Telus say they will have the 1st 4G network in Canada by 2012 a claim contested by the CFL who say they have had a network of players making $4G for years.

A Florida civil liberties group upset at government intervention is advising women to incorporate their uteruses to protect them. The resulting rush to become a company has put a run on the names NY Jets Baby Unlimited, Travis Territory LTD. and The Brady Bunch Inc.

Bloc Quebecois leader Gilles Duceppe is urging voters to reject the Conservatives saying they have to protect Canadian values. I agree remembering with fondness my Dad raising me with stories of how Canadians were a people who demanded separation and if that was not possible blackmailed their neighbors and took pensions for fermenting a treasonous agenda. Duceppe advising Canadians how to vote is like getting Mike Millbury to help select your draft picks and trades.

King Cobra Favre and Away

Officials in Wisconsin have detected higher than usual traces of radioactive matter in their water which is thought to be fallout from the toxic NFL situation in Green Bay.

After an inspiring victory over Edmonton on Saturday Calgary Flames supporters are left dangling between the bandwagon and the wagon. The group that took the loss harder than Edmonton fans was Calgary sports writers who were banking on a trip to Montreal or Vancouver in the springtime.

The Flames were off to a terrible start in the game and players blamed it on Earth Day saying they decided to shut off the power for the 1st 45 minutes.

In an attempt to be sensitive to the many people rocked by earthquakes, floods and radioactive fallout, the NCAA has banned sports networks covering March Madness from using meltdown, crumble or swept away in the headlines.

I love March Madness it reminds me of a rerun of My name is Nobody.

Even if Barry Bonds is acquitted of charges in his steroid trial you have to feel sorry for him. In testimony his mistress says his head size increased and not in the best way.

Top 5 Tweets by Vancouver fans to Thoeren Fleury
# 5 #$%&%*^$** You!
# 4 Come to Vancouver for a swim in the ocean stay to sleep with the fishes
# 3 Thanks for taking the heat off the HST!
# 2 Didn’t you have your 5 minutes of fame already?
# 1 Calgary should tell their younger players to be quiet!

Italian striker Mario Balotelli is in trouble after throwing darts at the Manchester City youth team. A spokesman for the team tried to play down the incident saying he couldn’t hit the bulls eye with a GPS.

Columbian soccer team Cucuta Deportivo is under investigation after bringing a dead drug gang member into the stadium for a game. The team says he wasn’t dead when he entered but became bored to death during the 0-0 game.

The Conference Board of Canada reports Quebec is the only province where business confidence is increasing. They point to the upcoming hokey playoffs where they say crowbar forgers, spray paint makers and rock sellers expect brisk business during after game celebrations.

A picture of the cobra that escaped from the NY Zoo was taken down from the internet after officials with the Jets confirmed it was a photo shopped shot of Brett Favres junk.