Oscar Rated

This year the Oscars had the worst TV ratings ever. Sources close to the show blame it on the new name “Oscar Night in Canada”.

This is the new age of accountability in the NHL with the best trade being $7.8 million over two years for $3.4 million, $2.2 million and a bonus to be named later.

Top 3 Signs your NHL Deadline Trade may be a bust...

# 3 John Ferguson Jr. and Mike Milbury give it a thumbs up

# 2 Other GM’s put you on their Fave 5 for next year

# 1 You refer to the prospect you got as having Darcy Tucker like potential

The Ottawa Senators have fired head coach John Paddock and replaced him with former coach and GM Bryan Murray raising speculation Paddock could soon be hired to help the Toronto Maple Leafs land a lottery pick.

I’m trying to decide what question I would ask on TV’s Moment of Truth.

Roger Clemens did you take steroids?

Brett Hull was your foot in the crease?

Marv Albert what does a thong feel like?

After scoring 15 goals on 20 shots to win a million dollars Darwin Head now has more goals than all but 2 Maple Leafs and costs $31 million less.

Pressure isn’t scoring 15 goals in 24 seconds or being in front of 18,000 fans it’s having your wife and mother-in law standing beside you and trying to explain later if you don’t.

My only thought when I heard ex-NHL player Len Barrie was part of the group interested in buying the Tampa Bay Lightening was what position would his son play?

After failing to make any progress at the draft the Toronto Maple Leafs are now looking at Plan B, hiring Mike Holmes to do a complete renovation.

Inexpert Analysis

In keeping with the spirit of hiring Mike Millbury and John Ferguson Jr. to be analysts for the NHL trade deadline, TSN has said they will beef up their Olympic coverage by adding members of the Jamaican Bobsled team and Eddie the Eagle Edwards.

This just in TSN has traded John Ferguson Jr. and Mike Millbury to ESPN for a viewer to be named later.

Mats Sundin says he wasn’t comfortable being a rental player to which rental GM Cliff Fletcher replied “You don’t really miss having a soul”.

Roger Clemens has bounced back from his lip licking testimony by signing a new 2-year deal with Chapstick.

The Tampa Bay Devils are auditioning “grossly overweight men” to be a part of a new between innings dance troupe so I guess it’s one more Spring Training for David Wells.

New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush has ducked a deposition hearing into his alleged taking of money at USC which is his best open field run of the year.

A New York diamond dealer is suing another dealer for interfering with a sale he was to have made to Roger Clemens. The dealer says his competitor lied about the quality of the diamond he was to have sold and not only that pumped up his prices through artificial means.

The Toronto Maple Leafs have dealt Wade Belak for a 5th round pick thus ending the draft crisis.

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman testified in a Congressional Committee the NHL is steroid free and for proof showed them their lousy TV ratings.

Despite dropping millions over the years former MLB slugger Cecil Fielder says he doesn’t have a gambling problem he has a losing problem.

The Federal Government says it will give $25 million towards the Olympic torch run reminding everyone how good they are at burning taxpayer money.

Huston Rockets forward Yao Ming has been lost for the year as a result of a stress fracture from carrying the weight of China’s Olympic hopes for more than 4 years.

The Minnesota Wild traded for Chris Simon just before trading was suspended and before he begins another one.

The PGA has refined the final cut process making it possible for more players to lose to Tiger on Sunday.

FIFA has threatened to suspend Spain from World Cup Soccer play because of racial intolerance. Spain has retaliated saying they will take their fans and join NASCAR where they will be appreciated.

Norway has opened the largest Seed Storage Bank in the World with samples of fertile seeds from Europe, Africa and Travis Henry.

The world of sports was widely represented at the Oscars with No Country for Old Men the story of the Toronto Maple Leafs, There will be Blood a UFC love story and Juno based on an NBA road trip.

The Tampa Bay Devils say they have some interest in signing Barry Bonds signalling their intention to gas the season.

Hits the G Spot

Scientists have discovered the G spot on a woman. According to experts it varies in each woman with wives of Edmonton Oilers players finding it just after they call in the movers.

NHL goaltenders are asking to be allowed to advertise on their jerseys. Word is Martin Brodeur has lined up a deal with Sub Zero, Roberto Luongo is in discussions with Shutout Security and Vessa Toskula has had talks with Target.

A Saudi Prince has paid $14 million to secure the license plate # 1 which beat out the Toronto Maple Leafs offer of $10 million and 2 first round draft picks.

The only NHL GM to get burned at the meeting in Florida was Kevin Lowe who forgot his sun block.

In an effort to keep up with pro sports 7-11 is considering a no-trade policy on its Slurpies.

CFL free agency has begun with the players association still fuming the players have to play for free.

The Edmonton Rush of the NLL fired their entire coaching staff after a winless start leading to speculation someone may notice.