Taxing Race

After seeing how fans cheered when alleged tax evader Helio Castroneves won the Indy 500 President Obama announced plans for future cabinet picks to run in a similar race the Income Avoidance 500.

The RCMP hired a video expert to break down the video of a man being tazered to death to show he was in fact at some point threatening. This is the same evidence given by management of the Chicago Blackhawks to show Detroit defenseman Nicolas Cromwell meant to hurt Martin Havlat.

Havlat says he doesn’t know Kromwell personally but his face rings his bell.

I felt like a really old man when I was watching the NHL playoffs and kept telling the kids in my day coaches didn’t complain every time someone on their team was hit.

Hearing all the stories about the prowess of NBA players in picking up the women in Clubs who would have thought the Denver Nuggets would lose 2 games because they couldn’t make a last second pass?

Isn’t Jim Balsillie officially submitting for an NHL franchise with the league like Hannibal Lector formally applying for a Diners Club Card?

Chicago Blackhawks coach Joel Quinville says a roughing minor during a scrum was “The worst call in the history of Sport”. The NHL fined Joel and in a press release called his histrionics the worst case of referee baiting in the history of civilization.

After winning the Memorial Cup the Windsor Spitfire were asked to reduce their celebrations by 40% if they expect to be competitive with other Jr. Hockey franchises.

Pat Quinn was named coach of the Edmonton Oilers thus increasing the average age of the team by 6 years. Pat’s last job was with the World Jr. team and takes over a club that is younger.

Quinn says he got along great while coaching the juniors and the kids especially loved his stories about how he used to walk to practice in the winter, barefoot, against the wind, uphill, both ways.

Officials from Whistler say there are still plenty of rooms available for the Olympics and prices have stabilized with rates ranging from your first born, right arm and left testicle.

Jose Canseco was beaten in just over a minute in his UFC fight and says he wanted to go further but because of the steroids he didn’t have the balls.

Calgary Flames GM Darryl Sutter says he doesn’t use Twitter calling it too wordy.

Top 5 signs your NHL coach is old
# 5 Still uses a wooden stick, for discipline
# 4 Calls Larry King a young puppy
# 3 Played defence with Chris Chelios
# 2 When he scrolls down his roster uses an actual scroll
# 1 Spend time with the video coach to watch the moving pictures

A Toronto family is trying to authenticate a stick believed to have been signed by the 1924 Olympic hockey team. The stick was given to their grandmother a reminder of a time when players gave groupies a different shaft.

Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Anquan Boldin has filed papers to fire his agent saying his current contract negotiations reflect a sanity and value not congruent with his beliefs.

Calgary Police have added 50 new officers to perform foot patrols saying they had nothing to do on the Red Mile so they thought they might look for criminals.

Manny Ramirez went 10 days before meeting with teammates to apologize over his recent positive drug test. A spokesman for the team was unconcerned by the delay putting it down to female problems.

Top 5 signs your star player is taking female fertility drugs
# 5 Refuses to go out with teammates saying he is nesting
# 4 Signs an endorsement deal with a sports bra manufacturer
# 3 Hires Martha Stewart to redecorate his locker
# 2 Complains about water retention
# 1 Constantly asking teammates if the uniform makes his ass look big

Pittsburgh Penguins captain Sidney Crosby grabbed the conference final trophy breaking from tradition that says the only trophy you grab is your wife.

A Phoenix judge handling the NHL case says he will address the 10,000 pound gorilla in the room and then asked Keith Tzchuck for his opinion.

The first grants have been handed out by a group of professional sports to research anti doping practices. The grants will determine the overall affect on attendance when athletes are unable to bench press 900 pounds.

The Toronto Blue Jays lost 9 games in a row and with 4 more defeats hope to qualify for federal bailout money.

The only people to strike out more than the Blue Jays on their road trip were the Star Trek fan club of Regina on their way to Comic Con.