Baby Steps

Soccer team Chelsea has recruited a 12 year old to play for the team saying they hope to emulate the success of China.

Former Detroit Lion Eric Hipple says he suffered from clinical depression and with advancements in medical science he hopes current Lions fans will seek help.

The current economic meltdown has forced the Canadian Olympic committee to change the name of the Own the Podium program to the heavily financed podium program.

A woman has pleaded not guilty to stalking LA Lakers forward Luke Walton saying she was just trying to post up to him.

The Formula 1 race for Montreal has been canceled with organizers saying the teams needs a vacation from their grueling schedule. In its place the City of Montreal will remove speed limits for the early morning commute.

The F-1 race brings in $100 million to the Montreal economy which the Liberals say they will replace with a Green Shift race. The object will be to race to Ottawa and ask for more money.

The International Olympic Committee will re-test hundreds of blood samples from Olympic athletes who competed in China. Sources say they are looking for traces of melamine, lead and ginseng.

The World anti-doping agency has removed a hair growth drug from the banned drug list when it was shown the only thing it masks is insecurity.

The drug was thought to be a performance enhancer but it turned out to be a bald faced lie.

Packman Jones was involved in an altercation with his personal bodyguard which is like having the offensive line sack their own quarterback.

Jones says he was only trying to prevent his guard from preventing him from doing something stupid.

Sarah Palin will drop the puck in the home opener for the Philadelphia Flyers the first time a pit-bull has been on the team with lipstick.

Sarah says she is very familiar with hockey as her daughter’s boyfriend is quite a scorer.

Players with the French soccer team Olympique Marseille were forced to pass the hat when Exxon refused the pilots credit card for their flight home. Officials believe this is the first time a sports team has had to take a collection for leaving a strip without seeing clothes being removed.

Former NBA great Larry Bird won a lawsuit allowing him the right to use the phrase “The Legend of French Lick” opening the door for Marv Albert to use the phrase “Legend of the French Tickler”.

Top 3 signs your NHL team may not make the playoffs
# 3 Signed Chris Chelios to kick start the youth movement
# 2 Your top rookie was the MVP in the Zimbabwe Jr. league
# 1 Players demand separate rooms for team bonding trip

Sean Avery said in an interview he could market the NHL better than the officials in charge but when asked to back up his words hid behind a model from Vogue.

Avery says the NHL needs to create more hero and villain plotlines which will create the type of legitimacy seen in professional wrestling.

Top 3 Sean Avery suggestions to market the NHL
# 3 Scrap new water resistant uniforms in favour of chiffon
# 2 Focus less on the players skill and more on his GQ rating
# 1 Create a new magazine called “A” featuring him on the cover each month

My fearless predictions for the coming NHL season have Pittsburgh beating Calgary in the Stanley Cup, Toronto making the playoffs and Nashville players being asked to pay for their own sticks.

The financial crisis has NHL owners telling players they might have to tighten their cups.

With former Nashville owner Boots Del Biaggio filing for bankruptcy the only luxury box of interest is the one he might end up living in.

The NHL expanding to Europe instead of Canada is like putting your money into real estate instead of a mattress.

The financial turmoil may take a toll on sports journalism with the best looking female talking heads being courted by investment TV.

Sportsnet turns 10 this year and in honour of the event announcers are sporting retro haircuts.

The Edmonton Oilers were in Jasper for a bonding retreat and spent the time riding bikes, hiking and looking for a bar that wouldn’t ask for ID’s.

The stock market crash has affected the NBA with strip clubs complaining the rain has dwindled to a drizzle.