The Ali Snuggle

A man from Quebec City says he has purchased the oldest hockey stick and confirmed it with carbon dating, expert analysis and asking Chris Chelios when he last used it.

With all the finger injuries to Toronto Blue Jays players team officials are now adding gelatine in addition to their regular drug regime.

It’s quite a year when the Blue Jays chances are hanging by their fingernails before the season even begins.

Olympic officials are said to be looking into the new LZR swimsuit which has been used by swimmers breaking 11 world records. The new suit is said to be more buoyant but does not pass the most critical test that being did the makers of the suit pay for Olympic Sponsorship?

Watching the women’s world curling championships who would have thought China would be so good at throwing rocks?

Greece is upset with Macedonia for attempting to enter NATO with the name of their country which is the same as a Greek Province. Canadian officials have offered a solution saying they should call the country the Rough Riders.

In an effort to increase viewers for the coming NHL playoffs NBC is trying out slogans to compete with the success of College Basketball’s March Madness. Suggestions include April Apathy, Ice Cold and What the Puck.

Female boxer Laila Ali is pregnant and says next time she should release from the clinch quicker.

The NFL is considering a rule to limit the length of a player’s hair saying there are too many less split ends on the split ends. The rule has gone to a vote where it is hoped it won’t end in a dreadlock.

Former slugger Jose Canseco says in his latest book NY Yankee Alex Rodriguez tried to hit on his wife but fortunately it was during the post season so he struck out.

A 425 sq. Mile chunk of ice has broken off from the Antarctic Shelf. Scientist suspect it is from Global Warming increased CO2 in the atmosphere or all the hot air surrounding the Jr. Hockey fight featuring Patrick Roy and his son.

There are calls for a ban on fighting in Jr. Hockey because as we all know if you ban something kids will immediately stop doing it.

The CBC is producing a movie on the life of Don Cherry with filming to start once they collar a director.

What’s the world coming to? I turned on the TV to watch a hockey fight and all I got was politicians and analysts fighting over fighting.

In recognition of Earth Hour the CBC has decided to move the hot air released during Coaches Corner to after 9:00 PM. In a related story Canadian teams have been asked not to score between 8:00 and 9:00 PM so as not to turn on the red light.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy has said they may boycott the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics. An official with the French Government later clarified the statement saying they would just be “fashionably late”.

Heath Benedict a 6’6” 320 lb. offensive lineman who was to enter the NFL draft this year was found dead on his couch. The cause of death has not yet been released while officials try to come up with another word for obvious.

Officials with the America’s Cup Yacht Race are upset the competing teams will be decided in court saying it is the worst case of rich men fighting over their boats since last Tuesday.

Vancouver Canucks goalie Roberto Luongo has left the team to be with his wife while she gives birth. In a show of support the rest of the teams fighting for a playoff spot in the Western Conference were seen handing out cigars.

Dream Parade

Due to the unrest in Tibet the Olympic torch run has been changed to the torch and run.

In an effort to put a positive spin on the troops being sent into Tibet, Chinese officials are calling it their version of March Madness.

The MLB players union is looking into possible collusion as a reason Barry Bonds has not been signed by a team. A spokesperson for Bonds says he is still pumped at the prospect of playing another year and feel he can still give it his best shot.

Sources in the CFL say they are close to having another team in Ottawa they just have to cross a few more X’s and O’s.

Turns out Vessa Toskula is the best goalie Toronto has ever had by a long shot.

After watching President Bush say the invasion of Iraq was an unqualified success I’m thinking the Maple Leafs search for a new GM may be over.

A report says people who are tight with their money experience pain when spending similar to the pain Toronto Maple Leaf fans feel when their team spends money on a free agent.

The Alberta Government has raised the minimum wage saying it shouldn’t take more than 2 days to pay for an average ticket to an NHL game.

Due to increased building in the downtown Calgary has said they will be looking to re-route the Stamped parade although the Stanley Cup parade is still scheduled to go ahead in their dreams.