The Grey Cup will begin a 74 day trip across Canada. I was
originally scheduled for 60 days but Toronto asked for an extra 2 weeks to show
kids in the city what a professional championship trophy looks like.
Earlier this month, the federal government decided to crack
down on a new designer street-drug called bath salts. The salt is said to have
the properties of heroin and may lead to brain damage. The city of Vancouver is
in an uproar saying to cut people off is criminal and they plan to set up safe
injection sites at East Side Bed, Bath and Beyond stores. I finally have an
answer why the GF spends an hour in the tub and comes out all dizzy and weak
kneed.
Facebook's recent push to promote organ donation in the
United States caused registrations to soar; a similar social media initiative
could soon be launched in Canada. Among those on the waiting list are the
Toronto Maple Leafs who say they just need heart.
A 13 yr. old boy in the US is being sued $500k for an errant
throw that hit a spectator. If you can sue someone for bad aim on the field the
San Diego Padres better buy a lot more insurance.
A group of seven-year-old girls in Port Coquitlam, B.C.,
made a grisly discovery Monday when they stumbled upon a dead body near a creek
behind their elementary school. On the bright side they got out of gym.
England once again was eliminated from Euro Cup competition
on penalties when they were beaten by Italy. Asked what the problem seemed to
be during sudden death an English spokesman said it had something to do with
the kicks being free.
The Columbus Blue Jackets offered every draft pick they had
to get the #1 pick overall and were turned down. Columbus now says they will go
with Plan B and not sign anyone for the coming year.
Vancouver Canucks forward Mason Raymond said he felt bad
after being given a $225.00 cut in pay to $2.275 million for the upcoming year.
The reduction was due to an unproductive, injury plagued year but Raymond says
he will try to remain motivated despite the insult.
The Canadian owner of I'll Have Another says he sold his
Kentucky Derby and Preakness winner to a farm in Japan for US$10 million and
will be used for breeding. This is the most paid for a stud since Burt Reynolds
posed nude for Cosmopolitan Magazine.
The Minnesota Wild was able to sign Zach Parise and Ryan
Sutter because they wanted their women to be close to home. NHL team operations
will now have a new position called Puck Bunny with the motto “If you can’t
beat ‘em in the alley, land ‘em at the Back Alley.
Once again the Vancouver SPCA is attacking the Calgary
Stampede calling for the elimination of calf roping. New ads show a picture of
a baby with the caption “Would you use a baby to amuse a crowd?” A spokesman
for Gerber Baby food was incensed saying the Vancouver group should worry about
the animals that attend Canuck playoff games.
Convicted Stanley Cup rioter Robert Snelgrove has made a
court-ordered public apology to the people of Vancouver and all residents of
British Columbia. The apology seemed heartfelt even when he blamed the
referee’s, Canuck team defense and Roberto Luongo for his anger.
The Calgary Stampede is experiencing record attendance for
the Rodeo events with a spokesman saying more people are watching this BS than
tuned into the Alberta election debates.
The Calgary Stampede has decided to omit the French lyrics
from the singing of the national anthem saying it is like waving a red flag in
front of a bull.
NDP leader Thomas Mulcair attended the Stampede and
immediately denounced the event saying it was contributing to a decline in
attendance for national tourism citing the reduced numbers in this year’s St.
John Baptise celebrations.
The Calgary Stampeders lost QB Drew Tate for the season when
he dislocated his shoulder falling down. Calgary fans were heartened to see the
injury come so early in the season so they won’t have to wait until the last
week to be out of the playoffs like the Flames.
The Conservative government's decision to pull out of the
Kyoto Protocol was legal, and it wasn't obliged to consult Parliament before
doing it, the federal court has ruled. However the court found they do have an
obligation to find a new national sport now that global warming will reduce ice
to a quaint memory.
The Lifesaving Society says new Canadians face a higher risk
of drowning than people who were born in Canada. The Society says changes in
parenting have made it socially unacceptable to just throw your 4 year old in
the water and tell them to swim, so fewer kids have that advantage later in
life.
Pamela Anderson of Baywatch fame is calling on the Alberta
Government to ban Chuckwagon races after the deaths of 3 horses during the
Calgary Stampede. A spokesman for Alpo Dog food agreed saying horses that pull
Chuckwagons are too stringy for their gourmet canine meals.
Toronto Argos kicker Noel Prefontaine is having hip surgery
that could end his career. This has caused Pam Anderson has called on the Prime
Minister to end football as she is convinced kicking a pigskin caused his
injury.
The CFL is considering adding the Franchise tag to their
player’s contracts. It will be similar to the NFL where the player is deemed to
be valuable to the franchise, only the CFL will designate one player who eats
the most at franchise restaurants, thus saving the team money.
The Canadian Olympic team began arriving in London for the
2012 Olympics this week. First to arrive were swimmers and divers who need the
extra time to acclimatize to the rain.
UFC is coming to Calgary this weekend, but they are hard
pressed to sell tickets. Compared to the nightly brawls at the Stampede to get
a taxi the UFC will seem cute,
After listening to objections from Pam Anderson the
Saskatchewan Roughriders are considering letting Gainer Gopher return to his
natural habitat. Anderson a BC native was sickened by the display of Gainer as
her hometown team was beaten and suggested the Riders adopt a more humane
mascot like Leo the defanged, declawed de-balled Lion.
As punishment for former coach Jerry Sandusky using his
children’s charity to molest young boys, the NCAA has decreed Penn State
University should give $60 million to children’s charities.
The NY Rangers have landed former Columbus Blue Jacket star
Rick Nash for what has been described as a few spare parts. This has infuriated
Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke who has denounced the trade saying the
players they offered were way more mediocre.
Winnipeg QB Buck Pierce is once again out of the line-up
with and injury. Team officials say he is taking it easy and is expected to be
available for injury in a couple of weeks.
The 2012 Olympic Games in London is cracking down on anyone
using the 2012 Olympic Games in London for financial gain which makes me glad I
write jokes because no one can accuse me of making any money, especially the
GF.
The UFC is apologizing to Calgary for charging outrageous
prices to watch a fight card that was filled with grown men hugging each other
for 5 rounds. In related news the UFC has announced a new sponsor for their
next great show, Manlove.com.
The next UFC fight card in Calgary will be better promised
kingpin Dana white saying they already are in talks with a PETA spokesman and
Calgary Stampede promoter to have a fierce 5 round debate on calf roping as the
main event.
The NHL and NHLPA have agreed to resume talks aimed at
ending the season with spokesmen for both sides saying if they don’t talk there
will be nothing they can disagree with.
BC Premier Chrissy Clarke says Alberta oil can only flow
through her Province if there is a sweetening of the deal. Included in her
demands are royalties, 24 hour spill response teams and 2 - 1st round NHL draft
picks from Edmonton and Calgary.
It was tough watching PGA player Adam Scott bogy the last 4
holes to lose the British Open but not as tough as watching the Saskatchewan
Roughriders tee up a win for the Calgary Stampeders. Asked what went wrong the
Riders Head Coach was at a loss, like the team.
