Retreat

Tiger Woods revealed he will not be playing at the British Open this year and will take the rest of the year off golf in order to concentrate on his stroke. Tiger says he has come to realize it’s the sex that allowed him to keep his knees together during his swing so he is looking forward to some bed work. Asked about the beard Tiger says it gives him more acting range in the direct to DVD market.

Tiger is now the Japanese spokesperson for a line of athletic rubs. The line is inspired by the crash that derailed the Tiger myth and called rub a 911.

Most of Canada’s national forces are being called back and the wounded treated for integration back into the Canadian culture. In addition to the Afghanistan combat removal we had the Winnipeg Jets returning and we sent our Sea King air ambulance to pick up the World Cup women in Germany.

Saskatchewan Roughrider paraphernalia generates the 3rd most revenue in Canada behind the Toronto Maple Leafs and Montreal Canadians. Plans are underway to list the Roughriders with a Canadian stock exchange and legitimately develop the watermelon industry. Nothing is greener than watermelons.

José Bautista of the Toronto Blue Jays became the all-time vote getter under the current Major League Baseball All Star Balloting process. Bautista has received nearly 20,000,000 clicks surpassing the previous record set by legendary groupie Alyssa Milano.

The Tour de France is back on with Frenchmen lining the streets to offer encouragement and refreshments to participants in the grueling race. Due to evidence of doping in the past, including up to the morning when they were suiting up to race, the rules now require riders to wear a yellow diaper if they are leading in the race and in positive drug tests.

Riders have to give urine tests following a day of riding 150 to 170 km’s up and down a mountain. Some of the fluids given to the competitors come from fans along the way that thrust bottles in their face. The drug testing agency has now adjusted for this and will allow an 83% error rate for contestants that test positive for a bold yet robust red.

Prince William took a couple of shots on goal during a street hockey game in the NWT and was quickly rewarded with a 2 year $3.5 million dollar free agent contract. The Leafs defended the signing saying he is tall, limited in mobility and has a weak shot or as they call it a top 4 defence man.

Critics of the signing pointed out if they wanted a shutdown guy they should have signed News of the World owner Rupert Murdoch.

TSN, Sportsnet and ESPN are all diving into the violence in pro sports theme with documentaries, discussion panels and statistics driven commentary. The words are delivered by former athletes who obviously are happy just to be able to read a cue card. You can’t argue with their logic as they don’t have writers for a rebuttal.

I love TSN spending hours programming the effects of violent collisions and can’t wait for the follow-up on head injuries called “Why is this man dumber than a 1st Grader?”