Intelligent Life?

Scientists say they have developed a telescope array that will lead to the discovery of intelligent life within 1 year. The array is powered by a computer able to distinguish static from signals emitted during intense explosions and is being tested during the NFL negotiations. So far no signs of intelligence have been detected.

A 99 year old man who has married for the 1st time says the marriage was not planned but he was going to do the right thing by her.

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman took a page out of Libyan dictator Mohamar Gadhafi’s playbook for the draft by using 2 little girls as a human shield. Bettman then asked if he could take the girls to Phoenix the next time he has to negotiate with Glendale City Council. It worked so well Bettman say he will try to hire similar little girls during trips to any of the 30 unfriendly NHL cities.

The Calgary Flames drafted a Swiss, a Finn, and a 5’6” US born centre and dealt away monster blue liner Robin Reghr thus driving a steak through the Daryl Sutter era.

Calgary drafting a 5’6” centre would never have happened with Sutter as he expected his forwards to have bowel movements bigger than that.

A Canadian goaltender in the under 18 World Cup of Soccer was credited with the rarest of feats when he scored against England. The 2nd rarest feat in soccer is when anyone else scores.

The web dating site Plenty of Fish is considering filing suit over an Alberta Government site that warns of sexually transmitted diseases called Plenty of Syph. No word on if the dating site is going to take any action against the site for the Huston Astros called Plenty of Stiffs.

Citizens of Greece who get 80% of their salary as a pension at age 53 are outraged they are being required to pay more taxes in a bailout deal. The new levy is expected to affect the nearly 1 in 70 Greeks that actually pay taxes.

Researchers at Oxford University have successfully developed a cultured meat grown in a laboratory they say is 80% less harmful on the environment. The name is in dispute as cultured meat is a web dating site for men with manners.

Toronto mayor Rob Ford is being criticized for not attending the gay pride parade to instead go to the cottage. Ford says he is not homophobic and can prove it because he often goes to Stanley Cup parades with the only difference being the size of the Cup.

Canadian soccer great Christine Sinclair score a goal in the women’s world cup despite getting hit in the face and having her nose broken. Play kept on despite the player who hit her rolling on the ground looking for a penalty.

A Calgary oil and gas company was fined $9.3 million for attempting to bribe an overseas official. They apologized saying it was needless as they were just warming up to do some Olympic bribing.

I guess former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich will not be doing commercials for the Hair Club for Men and instead is now going to be joining the share club for men.

An Emperor Penguin was spotted in Australia far away from his natural winter habitat. Sources say Sidney Crosby was just vacationing.

An awkward moment at Wimbledon when newlyweds the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge were asked by Billy Jean King if they thought wearing white was appropriate.

Edmonton Oilers reacquired fan favorite Ryan Smyth and immediately set about trying to fit his mullet under the salary cap.

Los Angeles Laker and former NBA rioting champion Ron Artest is changing his name to Metta World Peace which is Latin for You’re kidding Right? Artest says he will now focus all his energy on peace, love and trying to keep a straight face.

TSN is desperately trying to make a big deal about the NHL free agency on Friday but really if you want to watch boring dated white men debate salaries I suggest you watch re-runs of the NDP filibuster over the Post office.

Shares in RIM have hit historic lows causing NHL commissioner Gary Bettman to gloat saying the league dodged a bullet by not getting an owner who is now only worth 3 or 4 billion. The people he is talking to about Phoenix have way more money, they just don’t want to spend any.

The difference between Jim Balsillie of RIM and NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman is striking. Balsillie is a person who can sell ice to an Eskimo and Bettman can’t sell ice in the Desert.

With Roger Federer losing in the quarterfinals this is the 1st time an Englishman has not been the biggest disappointment at Wimbledon.