Alex Rodriguez has been given the key to New York City with the stipulation he locks up after he leaves.
FIFA is setting up a way to track unusual betting patterns called the Early Warning System in time for the next World Cup. This is not to be confused with the Terrorist Early Warning System which last year didn’t see the up tick in the amount bet on Iraqi insurgents.
Biff naked has said yes to a marriage proposal from Vancouver sports writer Ian Walker thus cementing the union of the ink stained scribe with the ink arm lined. In keeping with his profession the pre-nuptial contract will be 3 years with an option for 4.
The movie Super Bad was originally written with a baseball theme and the lead character was a homerun king who refused to acknowledge his steroid use called McLying.
The stock market took a nosedive sending shock waves throughout the major financial markets of North America including Wall Street, Bay Street and MLB Bullpens.
Jason Giambi has escaped punishment for his admitted steroid use because of his openness and especially his charitable work. Asked to comment Mark McGuire said he does a lot of work with former baseball players that have recently contracted Alzheimer’s.
The president of the Florida Marlins has said he doesn’t want people convicted of a felony playing for his team. In light of that he has offered to trade away most of his team.
Alarms began to ring at the FIFA Early Warning System meeting when NBA referee Tim Donaghy said he was thinking of giving soccer a kick.
A little leaguer from Japan has tested positive for measles thus explaining the rash of errors and spotty play of the team.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
1.5 million man march
A Brazilian judge has ignited a storm of controversy by issuing a ruling that “homosexuals must form their own teams in order to play soccer”. In his ruling he cited the case of Tim Hardaway v tolerance.
Well there goes Mark Bell being the toast of the town. Bell was sentenced to 6 months but if the court has any compassion they will consider playing with the Maple Leafs as time served.
The court recognized his profession and asked that his sentence not begin until the season ends or thee Leafs are clearly out of the playoffs. This means it is possible for Bell to begin serving his sentence in January. Bell pleaded no contest which coincidentally is the usual result of a Maple Leafs game.
It has been reported Bell’s alcohol level was .15 or nearly the same as that of GM John Ferguson Jr. when he made the trade for him.
Prince Fielder has been suspended for 3 games as a result of an altercation with an umpire in which he is said to have contacted him. In his defense Fielder said the fact they were both over 250 lbs. meant they bumped bellies with each other, but my gut feeling is he’s going to lose the appeal.
NBA referee Tim Donaghy pleaded guilty to conspiracy to commit wire fraud after it was stated in court he used code words to transmit tips to high stakes gamblers. The FBI was tipped off when a wiretap recorded Donaghy saying “Etbay noay hetay nicksknay”
The two gamblers that were involved in the case were code named “Baba” and “Sheep” and are being charged separately with point shearing. NBA Commissioner David Stern must not have read the report when he was quoted as saying “Donaghy was the only Black sheep of the flock”.
Jose Offerman is probably thinking over his decision to take another crack at playing baseball. A middle aged man who attacks someone with a bat is either on steroids, suspects the guy is sleeping with his wife or has been told to collect a debt for Tony.
I think Jose just realized how much Roger Clemmons got for coming out of retirement and decided to take it out on the first pitcher he faced. Like all ticking time bombs his teammates were quoted as saying “he seemed like such a quiet guy”. It looks like Offermans baseball career is over but his friends hope it won’t affect his dream to become a postman.
By attacking both the pitcher and catcher Offerman earned the headline “Ballistic batsman breaks bat battering battery”.
Pacman Jones is considering a career in music with a release of his song “Let it shine” a take off on his wrestling move “Let it rain” and his police move “Let me explain”.
Chris Chambers is pleading not guilty to DUI charges because his blood alcohol level was .06 not .08. Police on the scene said he may have passed the breathalyzer test but he didn’t pass the buck.
Over 1.5 million people are reported to have been moved to make way for the Beijing Olympics thus clearing a path for the road race. Removing 1.5 million people from China created an employment boom for the people who made the rug to sweep them under. Officials say the people evicted had a choice, make room for the hammer toss or get a hammer tossed at them.
Toronto Blue Jay Troy Glaus has a condition of the foot called plantar fasciitis which makes him the most famous Troy to have foot problems since Achilles.
Serbia's Ana Ivanovic was eliminated in a major upset by China's Zi Yan at the Rogers Cup. Asked to explain her win Ana said she was motivated because to lose would mean she would be one of the 1.5 million people moved out of Beijing.
In his first start with the Los Angles Galaxy David Beckham had a goal, an assist, a yellow card and made everyone forget that nobody watches soccer.
To show just how much of an impact he has had on US sports, when David Beckham was given a yellow card Bobby Cox was ejected for complaining about the call.
Well there goes Mark Bell being the toast of the town. Bell was sentenced to 6 months but if the court has any compassion they will consider playing with the Maple Leafs as time served.
The court recognized his profession and asked that his sentence not begin until the season ends or thee Leafs are clearly out of the playoffs. This means it is possible for Bell to begin serving his sentence in January. Bell pleaded no contest which coincidentally is the usual result of a Maple Leafs game.
It has been reported Bell’s alcohol level was .15 or nearly the same as that of GM John Ferguson Jr. when he made the trade for him.
Prince Fielder has been suspended for 3 games as a result of an altercation with an umpire in which he is said to have contacted him. In his defense Fielder said the fact they were both over 250 lbs. meant they bumped bellies with each other, but my gut feeling is he’s going to lose the appeal.
NBA referee Tim Donaghy pleaded guilty to conspiracy to commit wire fraud after it was stated in court he used code words to transmit tips to high stakes gamblers. The FBI was tipped off when a wiretap recorded Donaghy saying “Etbay noay hetay nicksknay”
The two gamblers that were involved in the case were code named “Baba” and “Sheep” and are being charged separately with point shearing. NBA Commissioner David Stern must not have read the report when he was quoted as saying “Donaghy was the only Black sheep of the flock”.
Jose Offerman is probably thinking over his decision to take another crack at playing baseball. A middle aged man who attacks someone with a bat is either on steroids, suspects the guy is sleeping with his wife or has been told to collect a debt for Tony.
I think Jose just realized how much Roger Clemmons got for coming out of retirement and decided to take it out on the first pitcher he faced. Like all ticking time bombs his teammates were quoted as saying “he seemed like such a quiet guy”. It looks like Offermans baseball career is over but his friends hope it won’t affect his dream to become a postman.
By attacking both the pitcher and catcher Offerman earned the headline “Ballistic batsman breaks bat battering battery”.
Pacman Jones is considering a career in music with a release of his song “Let it shine” a take off on his wrestling move “Let it rain” and his police move “Let me explain”.
Chris Chambers is pleading not guilty to DUI charges because his blood alcohol level was .06 not .08. Police on the scene said he may have passed the breathalyzer test but he didn’t pass the buck.
Over 1.5 million people are reported to have been moved to make way for the Beijing Olympics thus clearing a path for the road race. Removing 1.5 million people from China created an employment boom for the people who made the rug to sweep them under. Officials say the people evicted had a choice, make room for the hammer toss or get a hammer tossed at them.
Toronto Blue Jay Troy Glaus has a condition of the foot called plantar fasciitis which makes him the most famous Troy to have foot problems since Achilles.
Serbia's Ana Ivanovic was eliminated in a major upset by China's Zi Yan at the Rogers Cup. Asked to explain her win Ana said she was motivated because to lose would mean she would be one of the 1.5 million people moved out of Beijing.
In his first start with the Los Angles Galaxy David Beckham had a goal, an assist, a yellow card and made everyone forget that nobody watches soccer.
To show just how much of an impact he has had on US sports, when David Beckham was given a yellow card Bobby Cox was ejected for complaining about the call.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Consonant Courting
Looking at the names in the Rogers Cup it’s tough to tell if it is a tennis tournament or an extreme spelling bee.
Barry Bonds has hired lawyers to defend him against slander from people who attribute words to him or say they have first hand knowledge about his alleged steroid use or tax evasion. The first subjects of his suit are the Senate and Internal Revenue Service. Bond has hired some of the best lawyers available that are willing to be paid in autographed balls.
Kia Vaughn a member of the Rutgers basketball team has filed suit against announcer Don Imus claiming damage done to her character. Her lawyer says this is about Ms. Vaughn’s good name and is also suing Honda for making the Kia car which has ruined her driving experience and Kia Asamiya a Japanese magna artist for making her unable to enjoy comics.
I have a suggestion for the NFL as they try to deal with the escalating number of concussions. Create a chinstrap that doesn’t come off when it is hit. The helmets pop off easier than Alan Iverson talking about practice.
The NFL has prepared a pamphlet on concussions which is double spaced so players with blurred vision can read it easier.
Florida A&M University fired basketball coach Mike Gillespie after he was charged with stalking. In his defense Mr. Gillespie said “I just followed the scouting rulebook for recuiting freshman”.
A study by prominent University professors says umpires are likely to give players of the same etnic race a break on close calls. The only player not affected by this ruling was Roger Clemmons who is entitled to the same latitude you give your grandpa.
NASCAR on behalf of Sprint Nextel has won a ruling which will allow them to keep AT&T from putting it’s logo on Jeff Burton’s car. AT&T is planning an appeal saying they received a poor reception from the court.
There have been reports of failed drug tests at the World University Games, the results of which are being withheld until they find someone who actually passed their test.
Tiger Woods new golf course in North Carolina will not allow the use of carts because he doesn’t want people to lose touch with what is really important in golf, the chance to have someone carry your bag.
Brett Favre was frustrated with his offense in their pre season game against Pittsburgh. “Knowing I only have 8 or 9 pre seasons left in me, it’s important to get them right.”
Barry Bonds has hired lawyers to defend him against slander from people who attribute words to him or say they have first hand knowledge about his alleged steroid use or tax evasion. The first subjects of his suit are the Senate and Internal Revenue Service. Bond has hired some of the best lawyers available that are willing to be paid in autographed balls.
Kia Vaughn a member of the Rutgers basketball team has filed suit against announcer Don Imus claiming damage done to her character. Her lawyer says this is about Ms. Vaughn’s good name and is also suing Honda for making the Kia car which has ruined her driving experience and Kia Asamiya a Japanese magna artist for making her unable to enjoy comics.
I have a suggestion for the NFL as they try to deal with the escalating number of concussions. Create a chinstrap that doesn’t come off when it is hit. The helmets pop off easier than Alan Iverson talking about practice.
The NFL has prepared a pamphlet on concussions which is double spaced so players with blurred vision can read it easier.
Florida A&M University fired basketball coach Mike Gillespie after he was charged with stalking. In his defense Mr. Gillespie said “I just followed the scouting rulebook for recuiting freshman”.
A study by prominent University professors says umpires are likely to give players of the same etnic race a break on close calls. The only player not affected by this ruling was Roger Clemmons who is entitled to the same latitude you give your grandpa.
NASCAR on behalf of Sprint Nextel has won a ruling which will allow them to keep AT&T from putting it’s logo on Jeff Burton’s car. AT&T is planning an appeal saying they received a poor reception from the court.
There have been reports of failed drug tests at the World University Games, the results of which are being withheld until they find someone who actually passed their test.
Tiger Woods new golf course in North Carolina will not allow the use of carts because he doesn’t want people to lose touch with what is really important in golf, the chance to have someone carry your bag.
Brett Favre was frustrated with his offense in their pre season game against Pittsburgh. “Knowing I only have 8 or 9 pre seasons left in me, it’s important to get them right.”
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
In Cal We Trust
Former baseball star Cal Ripken has been appointed a special ambassador for the US State Department. His first mission will be to China where he will encourage them to “get the lead out”. Asked if his nickname “Ironman” would be of any help Ripken said “only in Iraq.”
Darryl Strawberry owes the US Government over $500,000 in back taxes and is said to be cooperating with officials and will pay it once he figures out how many grams that is.
I’m not saying the talent is reduced for the women’s Rogers Cup tennis tournament but I saw more world class ladies at Hooters for all you can eat rib night.
It has been confirmed that Wayne Rooney will be out for 6-8 weeks with a hairline fracture of his left foot. This will hurt not only Manchester United but also England’s chances of qualifying for the European Championships. In fact Manchester is in a better spot because they have more money to spend on a replacement than the whole of Briton combined.
A soccer player with the Romanian club Jiul Petrosani says he was beaten by bodyguards employed by the owner after trying to cancel his contract because he was not getting paid. A spokesman for the NHL Players Association confirmed the owners originally sought this right in the last collective agreement but they stood firm.
In hindsight I’m sure the one trick Michael Vick wishes he hadn’t taught to the “dawgs” in his posse was to “speak”.
The son’s of Philadelphia Eagles coach Andy Reid has pleaded guilty to a string of firearms and vehicle charges. Asked if he could go back and change something Andy said “well I wouldn’t have spent as much time teaching them the run and gun.”
Calgary Stampeders offensive coordinator George Cortez said the reason he hasn’t run this year is because “if you don’t get any yardage on first down people know you are not going to be running.” Asked how he knew he wasn’t getting any yardage when they haven’t been running to get yardage, Cortez said the yardage they didn’t get by not running was far surpassed by the yardage they got when they did rush. Asked to clarify Cortez said “what is everybody deaf?”
The Pittsburgh Pirates showed a clip of Barry Bonds hitting his first home run in a tribute to the San Francisco slugger during a break in the game on Monday. The video confirmed he was a shadow of the person he was to become.
Magglio Ordonez hit 2 home runs in a single inning tying him with Johnny Damon for most home runs hit in a single inning while playing with a mullet. The only players to have more hits with mullets were in the movie Slapshot.
You would think with all the drug problems plaguing the team the Tampa Bay Devil Rays could handle knuckleballer Tim Wakefield’s junk.
Darryl Strawberry owes the US Government over $500,000 in back taxes and is said to be cooperating with officials and will pay it once he figures out how many grams that is.
I’m not saying the talent is reduced for the women’s Rogers Cup tennis tournament but I saw more world class ladies at Hooters for all you can eat rib night.
It has been confirmed that Wayne Rooney will be out for 6-8 weeks with a hairline fracture of his left foot. This will hurt not only Manchester United but also England’s chances of qualifying for the European Championships. In fact Manchester is in a better spot because they have more money to spend on a replacement than the whole of Briton combined.
A soccer player with the Romanian club Jiul Petrosani says he was beaten by bodyguards employed by the owner after trying to cancel his contract because he was not getting paid. A spokesman for the NHL Players Association confirmed the owners originally sought this right in the last collective agreement but they stood firm.
In hindsight I’m sure the one trick Michael Vick wishes he hadn’t taught to the “dawgs” in his posse was to “speak”.
The son’s of Philadelphia Eagles coach Andy Reid has pleaded guilty to a string of firearms and vehicle charges. Asked if he could go back and change something Andy said “well I wouldn’t have spent as much time teaching them the run and gun.”
Calgary Stampeders offensive coordinator George Cortez said the reason he hasn’t run this year is because “if you don’t get any yardage on first down people know you are not going to be running.” Asked how he knew he wasn’t getting any yardage when they haven’t been running to get yardage, Cortez said the yardage they didn’t get by not running was far surpassed by the yardage they got when they did rush. Asked to clarify Cortez said “what is everybody deaf?”
The Pittsburgh Pirates showed a clip of Barry Bonds hitting his first home run in a tribute to the San Francisco slugger during a break in the game on Monday. The video confirmed he was a shadow of the person he was to become.
Magglio Ordonez hit 2 home runs in a single inning tying him with Johnny Damon for most home runs hit in a single inning while playing with a mullet. The only players to have more hits with mullets were in the movie Slapshot.
You would think with all the drug problems plaguing the team the Tampa Bay Devil Rays could handle knuckleballer Tim Wakefield’s junk.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Cougar paints the lines
Mike Weir was selected for the Presidents Cup team despite having an off year. Team captain Gary Player said in defense of his pick “we were a little weak on the left side”. Stephen Ames who is having a better year than Mike was overlooked for fear he might say something to make Tiger Woods mad.
After beating tennis giants Roger Federer, Rafael Nadal and Andy Roddick to win the Rogers Cup Novak Djokovic then went out and cut down the beanstalk with an overhand and slew Goliath with a passing shot.
In an effort to woo more stars to the Rogers Cup women’s tournament organizers are offering facials and massages. If that doesn’t work next year the event is hoping to get Mike Holmes to do a renovation of their houses.
So as not to violate his restraining order Pacman Jones did not do any wrestling during Sundays TNA Event but still no word on why the rest of the performers followed suit.
After losing 5 of the first 6 games Hamilton Tiger Cats coach Charlie Taaffe said “if God gives you lemons it doesn’t mean you have to suck”.
After suffering his second concussion Edmonton Eskimos guard Lefsrud says if he gets one more he will have to switch to quarterback.
It turns out the recent sale of the Tampa Bay Lightening was just a throw in for the surrounding real estate deal. No word on if the new developers are going to install Condo’s in the luxury suites, but the sales brochure features a great ice maker.
Pakistan squash legend Jahangir Kahn has been awarded a doctorate in philosophy from the London Metropolitan University by answering the question “Who are we?” to both the University and the representatives choosing new Olympic sports. Personally giving Kahn a degree sounds like an online racquet.
I’m not sure if the Beijing Olympic officials get the point when they agreed to take 1.3 million cars off the road to improve air quality but replaced them with trucks. Just in case the air quality has not improved officials have resorted to plan B which involves making up 1 million fortune cookies that say “don’t breathe”. At least it has answered the question of why Chinese people bow and that is to find some breathable air.
Yao Ming is practicing to light the Olympic torch but hasn’t yet determined if he will do a fade away jumper or the flashier reverse jam.
After receiving a hairline fracture of his left leg Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney was approached by the Los Angles Galaxy to sit on the bench with David Beckham until he gets well.
In a surprise announcement Environment Canada has downgraded Canada’s World Cup soccer chances from endangered to extinct. In good news the success of the reality show “Age of Love” has seen a surge in the number of Cougar sittings especially around tennis courts.
After being forced to sit out for a couple of months due to injury I wonder if David Beckham’s new fragrance will smell a bit like pine.
After beating tennis giants Roger Federer, Rafael Nadal and Andy Roddick to win the Rogers Cup Novak Djokovic then went out and cut down the beanstalk with an overhand and slew Goliath with a passing shot.
In an effort to woo more stars to the Rogers Cup women’s tournament organizers are offering facials and massages. If that doesn’t work next year the event is hoping to get Mike Holmes to do a renovation of their houses.
So as not to violate his restraining order Pacman Jones did not do any wrestling during Sundays TNA Event but still no word on why the rest of the performers followed suit.
After losing 5 of the first 6 games Hamilton Tiger Cats coach Charlie Taaffe said “if God gives you lemons it doesn’t mean you have to suck”.
After suffering his second concussion Edmonton Eskimos guard Lefsrud says if he gets one more he will have to switch to quarterback.
It turns out the recent sale of the Tampa Bay Lightening was just a throw in for the surrounding real estate deal. No word on if the new developers are going to install Condo’s in the luxury suites, but the sales brochure features a great ice maker.
Pakistan squash legend Jahangir Kahn has been awarded a doctorate in philosophy from the London Metropolitan University by answering the question “Who are we?” to both the University and the representatives choosing new Olympic sports. Personally giving Kahn a degree sounds like an online racquet.
I’m not sure if the Beijing Olympic officials get the point when they agreed to take 1.3 million cars off the road to improve air quality but replaced them with trucks. Just in case the air quality has not improved officials have resorted to plan B which involves making up 1 million fortune cookies that say “don’t breathe”. At least it has answered the question of why Chinese people bow and that is to find some breathable air.
Yao Ming is practicing to light the Olympic torch but hasn’t yet determined if he will do a fade away jumper or the flashier reverse jam.
After receiving a hairline fracture of his left leg Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney was approached by the Los Angles Galaxy to sit on the bench with David Beckham until he gets well.
In a surprise announcement Environment Canada has downgraded Canada’s World Cup soccer chances from endangered to extinct. In good news the success of the reality show “Age of Love” has seen a surge in the number of Cougar sittings especially around tennis courts.
After being forced to sit out for a couple of months due to injury I wonder if David Beckham’s new fragrance will smell a bit like pine.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Reduced for Quick Sale
Ernie Ells says he will bet his house on Tiger Woods winning the PGA Championship but just to be on the safe side his wife purchased a bungalow in Edmonton to give away.
Sergio Garcia was sent home from the PGA Championship after signing a false scorecard though in his defense Math isn’t his first language.
David Beckham has re-injured his ankle and is doubtful for his next few games. David said he aggravated it during a flight where he tripped over his fellow teammates while heading from coach to first class.
The Calgary Stampeders are being criticized for not rushing the ball enough and yet by co-incidence the fans appear to be running out of patience.
Pacman Jones has been told he cannot do any real fighting while employed with TNA Wrestling so he will be doing what every other wrestler does. A spokesman for Pacman said he never intended to be physically involved as it could possibly hurt his trigger finger. Instead his fights will be done by his bodyguards Super Mario Smith and Donkey Kong Dave.
It must be tough to be playing with Tiger Woods when you are having an off day. He gets the crowd roaring while the polite applause you get is similar to what a kid hears at band camp.
Lately Calgarians have been exposed on the world stage with Stephen Ames in the final group with Tiger Woods, Owen Hargreaves starting for Manchester United and Cowboys Barmaid Cherie Cymbalisty being seen in Prince Harry's dreams.
Sergio Garcia was sent home from the PGA Championship after signing a false scorecard though in his defense Math isn’t his first language.
David Beckham has re-injured his ankle and is doubtful for his next few games. David said he aggravated it during a flight where he tripped over his fellow teammates while heading from coach to first class.
The Calgary Stampeders are being criticized for not rushing the ball enough and yet by co-incidence the fans appear to be running out of patience.
Pacman Jones has been told he cannot do any real fighting while employed with TNA Wrestling so he will be doing what every other wrestler does. A spokesman for Pacman said he never intended to be physically involved as it could possibly hurt his trigger finger. Instead his fights will be done by his bodyguards Super Mario Smith and Donkey Kong Dave.
It must be tough to be playing with Tiger Woods when you are having an off day. He gets the crowd roaring while the polite applause you get is similar to what a kid hears at band camp.
Lately Calgarians have been exposed on the world stage with Stephen Ames in the final group with Tiger Woods, Owen Hargreaves starting for Manchester United and Cowboys Barmaid Cherie Cymbalisty being seen in Prince Harry's dreams.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
