In Cal We Trust

Former baseball star Cal Ripken has been appointed a special ambassador for the US State Department. His first mission will be to China where he will encourage them to “get the lead out”. Asked if his nickname “Ironman” would be of any help Ripken said “only in Iraq.”

Darryl Strawberry owes the US Government over $500,000 in back taxes and is said to be cooperating with officials and will pay it once he figures out how many grams that is.

I’m not saying the talent is reduced for the women’s Rogers Cup tennis tournament but I saw more world class ladies at Hooters for all you can eat rib night.

It has been confirmed that Wayne Rooney will be out for 6-8 weeks with a hairline fracture of his left foot. This will hurt not only Manchester United but also England’s chances of qualifying for the European Championships. In fact Manchester is in a better spot because they have more money to spend on a replacement than the whole of Briton combined.

A soccer player with the Romanian club Jiul Petrosani says he was beaten by bodyguards employed by the owner after trying to cancel his contract because he was not getting paid. A spokesman for the NHL Players Association confirmed the owners originally sought this right in the last collective agreement but they stood firm.

In hindsight I’m sure the one trick Michael Vick wishes he hadn’t taught to the “dawgs” in his posse was to “speak”.

The son’s of Philadelphia Eagles coach Andy Reid has pleaded guilty to a string of firearms and vehicle charges. Asked if he could go back and change something Andy said “well I wouldn’t have spent as much time teaching them the run and gun.”

Calgary Stampeders offensive coordinator George Cortez said the reason he hasn’t run this year is because “if you don’t get any yardage on first down people know you are not going to be running.” Asked how he knew he wasn’t getting any yardage when they haven’t been running to get yardage, Cortez said the yardage they didn’t get by not running was far surpassed by the yardage they got when they did rush. Asked to clarify Cortez said “what is everybody deaf?”

The Pittsburgh Pirates showed a clip of Barry Bonds hitting his first home run in a tribute to the San Francisco slugger during a break in the game on Monday. The video confirmed he was a shadow of the person he was to become.

Magglio Ordonez hit 2 home runs in a single inning tying him with Johnny Damon for most home runs hit in a single inning while playing with a mullet. The only players to have more hits with mullets were in the movie Slapshot.

You would think with all the drug problems plaguing the team the Tampa Bay Devil Rays could handle knuckleballer Tim Wakefield’s junk.