Hall of a cheap time

Mike Holmes has been named the 2009 marshal of the Calgary Stampede Parade. This is only fitting as the downtown core of Calgary looks like a renovation that has gone horribly wrong. Holmes spent some time surveying the sites of Calgary and was especially impressed how the foundations at Cowboys defied gravity.



Sammy Sosa is reported to be on the list of players who tested positive for performance enhancing drugs before baseball began regular testing. Asked to comment Sosa replied “no hablo English”.



It looks like the NHL has won the battle to retain control over the Phoenix Coyotes after a judge ruled he could not approve a transfer as part of bankruptcy proceedings. A jubilant Gary Bettman told reporters he is confident a buyer looking to lose millions can be found but if not he is sure the players will not mind subsidising the loss.



The US Government is in talks with the NHL to use the Jobbing.com arena in Phoenix as a treatment centre for the H1N1 flu. A spokesman for the Department of Health is excited because no fever generated in the arena has ever transferred to the general public.



The NHL playoffs were the most watched in the last 40 years and to celebrate Versus Network promises to broadcast next year’s games in colour.



Detroit Red Wings defenseman Nicklas Lidstrom played in the Stanley Cup final despite having a "nearly catastrophic injury to his testicle." His injury was kept secret and his lack of production was attributed to a reaction to bad nuts.



Top 5 signs your City put on a cheap championship parade

# 5 Special Guest Speaker: William from Sanitation

# 4 Convertibles replaced by street sweepers

# 3 The parade route is a Cul de Sac

# 2 Instead of a Key to the City you are given an expired pass key to a Motel 6

# 1 By charging for using the toilet it turns a small profit







A report from Corrections Canada says inmates will be offered money to take part in treatment programs. Details of the offer are still being worked out with the amount to be paid, who is eligible and if the convicts are professional athletes will the money count against the salary cap.



It is reported the mark-up for text messages is nearly 4900% or roughly the same amount as a pair of Toronto Maple Leaf season tickets. This explains why Rogers Communications can turn a profit with the Blue Jays as every “Jays Suck” text is a goldmine.



The Sundin twins have asked for a contract said to be 12 years in length and over $63 million in total. The twins talked about how they could justify a contract which would end with them being nearly 40 and they were quick to point out the average 40 year old Swede is in better shape than the average 20 year old Canadian. The Canucks responded saying the old Participaction commercial no longer applies.



Former NFL QB Ryan Leaf was arrested at the Us Canada border and charged with drug and burglary charges and might be the worst QB sneak he has ever attempted.



Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke says he will not pursue Danny Heatley saying his actions were irresponsible and he knows irresponsible. Burke says signing Heatley would upset his 20 year turnaround plan.



Buffalo Bill receiver Terrel Owens has found a place to rent in Buffalo. His agent says it was hard to find a luxury place that is available to rent on a week to week basis.



Top 5 signs an auto racer may be on performance enhancing drugs

# 5 He has larger breasts than Dancia Patrick

# 4 Doesn’t need a jack to change a tire

# 3 His biggest sponsor is BALCO

# 2 Has a severe bout of road rage during his victory lap

# 1 Keeps bragging about his Armstrong power steering

Just because some of the NHL players were sporting cheesy ‘70’s moustaches this year doesn’t mean they had to play porn music during the awards show.

I kept waiting for Gary Bettman to jump out of a cake or deliver a pizza at least.

I know they were running out of hot supermodels to help present the awards but Rita McNeil?

The girlfriends of the players were a bit confused when they awarded the Lady Bing but there was no Bada.

Seeing the NHL players struggle to read their cue cards during the NHL Awards I’m thinking maybe a year of College might not be a bad idea.

The University of Toronto has unveiled the fastest computer in Canada. The computer will be used for medical science, environmental programs and to determine the odds of Toronto hosting a championship in the next 50 years.