No jump for joy

There will be no Olympics for women in the ski jumping program the 1st time a member of the IOC has turned down a jump from any woman.

The Washington Redskins addressed their bizarre play when they lined up 7 players to the short side of the field and then faked a field goal. The play will now be called the white flag of surrender.

The Canadian Olympic ski team lost 5 top competitors to injury in the last 2 weeks or as the Detroit Red Wings call it, Tuesday.

Elin Woods says she was suspicious Tiger may be having affairs when instead of stocking last year at Xmas he hung up nylons.

The PGA has been supportive of Tiger although they have looked into claims he played around without counting all his strokes.

Top 5 signs you are at a bad Xmas party
# 5 Tiger Woods keeps hogging all the time under the tinsel
# 4 John Torterella gets drunk and starts telling you what he thinks
# 3 Tim Donaghy gives 2:1 odds against having a good time
# 2 Only appetizers being served are suspiciously old watermelon balls
# 1 Mike Millbury stays sober and tells you what he thinks

You know the Global Warming Summit was doomed to failure when Barack Obama said he had to leave before it was over so he could watch the Redskins beat the Giants.

Top 5 signs you might not make Canada’s Olympic hockey team
# 5 You wear a Maple Leaf on your NHL team jersey
# 4 Coach calls you “gritty”
# 3 Injury report lists you as “whatever”
# 2 The last goal you scored was with a Po Finn hockey stick
# 1 You got a hernia lacing up your skates

The NHL is upset the Russian Olympic team may make changes at the last minute saying they should base their picks on the same old boys’ network that Canada employs.

AT&T says they will no longer put their logo on Tigers bag the 1st time Tigers bag and a mobile phone have not been lucky to him.

Florida coach Urban Myers was sent to hospital complaining of chest pains but officials released him with the advice to not put his whole paycheque in his wallet.

Urbans wife Shelly called 911 saying he was unresponsive and wasn’t sure what club to use to snap him out of it.

The Pittsburgh Steelers are worried New England and Cincinnati will “lay down” so they don’t get into the playoffs. Players were incensed saying the script the received from the NFL at the start of the year clearly shows them in the playoffs.

An Alberta farmer will try to win $1 million by shooting 20 pucks into the net during the intermission of the Canada-USA Junior game. The amount is determined by an average of the NHL salary for 20 goal scorers.

Asked what he would do with the money the man said he would probably just keep farming until it was gone.

Top 5 New Year’s resolutions for Canadian men
# 5 Promise to only watch the games that REALLY matter
# 4 Get the Canadian Flag tattoo removed from your butt
# 3 Stop telling the wife and kids to shut the $%#@&* up when Don Cherry is on
# 2 Fix the holes in the wall created after really dumb plays
# 1 Quit bugging your wife to put on the lingerie and go deep

A Cherry on the Case

Tiger Woods won the athlete of the decade award and his spokesman in an attempt to put a positive spin on his current troubles said Tiger has nailed the Masters and to date no reported minors.

BMO field in Toronto has been deemed too small to play football in despite pleas from Argo officials that they rarely use the end zone anyway.

A doctor linked with Tiger Woods has been charged with being in possession of performance enhancing drugs. Who knew Viagra would be the next problem for Tiger?

After seeing the deal the Toronto Blue Jays got for Doc Holiday you have to wonder if they are taking advice from ex Argos coach Bart Andrus.

A doctor has blamed Don Cherry for causing concussions a claim vehemently denied by the CBC who say you are not supposed to watch Coaches Corner if you have a head injury.

The only people banging their heads on account of Cherry are fashion designers.

A group of people called Ice Edge has offered the NHL $140 million for the Phoenix Coyotes. The deal is conditional on approval from the NHL Board of Governors and a drug test for the Ice Edge CEO.

Bettman says there are many other individuals interested in purchasing the Coyotes although the number goes down when they are properly medicated.

Rogers Communications has won a court case with Bell Canada over advertising claims that Rogers is the “most reliable” network. Bell is still hoping they will win their suit over Rogers calling the Blue Jays a “professional” baseball team.

Recent finding have shown humans were in Europe earlier than first thought. They discovered this by studding teeth that prove beyond a shadow of a doubt they were English.

The climate conference in Copenhagen has come out in support of industrialized nations paying developing nations large amounts of money for sins of the past. They got the idea of subsidising hot weather areas by those from colder climates from the NHL.

A hoax at the climate conference saying Canada will agree to ridiculous reductions in emissions were said to be by the group the Yes Men or as they are known in North America the NHL Board of Governors.

A Japanese baseball pitcher called the Knuckleball Princess has been signed to play in the Arizona league. According to Red Sox Tim Wakefield she can really bring the heat with speeds of over 50 mph.

Top 5 signs you are violating the Olympic Trademark
# 5 Your product makes people higher, faster or stronger
# 4 Your torch lights up a whole neighbourhood
# 3 Company motto has Vancouver, Games or graft in it
# 2 People say your company is like a 5 ring circus
# 1 You’re making money and not sharing with your Olympic friends

5-A-Hole

Tough week for Tiger Woods as his wife is upset he is having affairs, black women are upset he is having affairs with white women and Adam Lambert says he owes him a kiss.

When Tiger went to Australia he received a $3 million appearance fee which he quickly paid to one of his hook-ups as a disappearance fee.

Oprah has made an offer to Tiger to clear the air on her show the 1st woman who wants him on a couch in a vertical position

After 54 years on air the Soap Opera “As the World Turns” has been cancelled. A spokesman says they just can’t compete with the story line Tiger is weaving

Mental health experts think Tiger may suffer from a rare form of sex addiction that causes men who are rich and powerful to act out. Most women say it’s just par for the course.

I asked my GF if I was a sex addict and she said I didn’t have enough money

Philadelphia Flyers goalie Ray Emery will have abdominal surgery which is weird because I thought it was Ottawa Senator fans that couldn’t stomach him

New York Islanders defenceman Brendan Witt was hit by a car just before a game in Philadelphia. The driver of the car says he was aiming for Islanders goalie Martin Biron to show his disgust at how he played for the Flyers last year but went through the 5-hole and got Brendan instead.

Hitachi has developed technology to identify people from the veins in their fingers, which is slightly different from Detroit Lions fans who are easily recognized by the veins in their forehead.

The technology is not new as most wives use the middle finger to identify when they have watched enough football

Police in Vancouver have seized a cache of ecstasy pills with the Olympic logo on them. Officials with the IOC were livid and immediately demanded a percentage from all the drugs.

The pills differ from the ones with the Toronto Maple Leaf logo on them which are called agony.

Taxi Squat!

35% of professional Rugby player are currently on the injured reserve list and supporters are demanding answers as to why the remaining 65% are such pussies.

Fun fact... there were more players on the Riders Taxi Squad than actual Taxis in Calgary for the Grey Cup.

I thought it was an Atlanta Braves thing but it looks like the Florida Panthers are using the Tomahawk Chop

Fore... play!

You know it was a Canadian University Championship football game when the host is Quebec featuring teams from Alberta and Ontario and yet most of the people in the crowd were wearing green.

Traffic was snarled in Calgary for Grey Cup weekend with a sudden snowfall. Vehicles moved much quicker once fans of the Riders took the watermelons off their heads and used them for traction on the icy roads.

So a story in the tabloids linking Tiger Woods to an affair lands in the newsstand the same week he has a car accident running into a tree on his property and his wife just happens to have a golf club to free him from the vehicle. Wow what luck!

The club Tigers wife used to get him out of the car? A free Woods.

Tiger Woods wife is like most new golfers... once she hits the dimples it goes a few yards then ends up in the trees...

Police became suspicious when a Tweet from Tigers wife told her friends she was going out clubbing

LFL star Krystal Gray was in Saskatoon for a Grey Cup appearance and challenged men to a throwing contest after seeing all of the passes made to her fall short

After being an asset all year who would have thought the Riders 13th man would cost them the Grey Cup.


A huge traffic jam on the #1 Highway leading into Calgary resulted when Winnebago’s clogged up the roads leading to McMahon Stadium after hearing Snowbirds were to do a pass over


At the end of the Game none of the players would name the culprit and so sales of the Rider Jersey “I am the 13th man” quickly sold out... and the line was used often on LFL star Krystal Gray at the after game party...

Children in Saskatchewan learning the basics of football now have a new competition the Punt/Pass/Kick and Count.

Top 5 signs you have too many men on the field
# 5 The down lineman has a Pilsner hat on
# 4 You have to take off both shoes to count them all
# 3 One players is wearing number .08
# 2 There is a fight to see who will snap the ball
# 1 You manage to disappoint both the Rider Nation and your elementary school math teacher

I told my GF I wouldn’t wash my Rider shirt again until they won the Grey Cup and she was surprised I had ever washed it

Party Pooper

A report from Health Canada concludes teenage girls actively seek out situations where they suffer angst. This report is being studied by officials with the Toronto Maple Leafs who plan to unveil a 3rd pink jersey.

Montreal has been hit with a series of bombings with Police saying it could be mob related or fans are preparing for a Grey Cup victory.

Top 5 signs your Grey Cup party is a bust

# 5 Half time lingerie football game features contestants from the Biggest Loser

# 4 The food is green and you’re cheering for the Alouettes

# 3 The beer supply has more imports than non imports

# 2 Matt Dunigan shows up to do the play by play

# 1 Nobody touches the special “Horsemeat Hash” tribute to Calgary

You have to wonder why any fan from Saskatoon would be coming to Calgary when LFL star Krystal Grey is there.

New Brunswick has said no to sponsor the Olympic torch relay for a cost of $1.5 million saying they can’t justify the expense. Olympic official were livid noting this may result in IOC members having to eat local caviar.

I guess Brian Burkes straight talk only works on the players.

It looks like Jesse Lumsden might be the most valuable addition to a sled since Rudolph.

The Buzz on Buzz

You know the H1N1 pandemic is serious when they move potential Olympic Hockey team members to the front of the line for a shot...

Professional athletes have been called pigs for years but when they try to get a shot for it everyone calls them line jumpers.

After seeing sports teams get the H1N1 shot and X-rays being taken of baseball injuries between innings... Americans are now calling for a player’s health option in addition to a public one for health care reform.

The CFL Players Association (CFLPA) is in the final phase of negotiations for a new contract. A CFLPA spokesman says stumbling blocks include revenue on deposit from empties, 2 for 1 coupons and air miles.

The NHL Players Association has confirmed Buzz Hargrove the former head of the Auto Workers has resigned. Buzz leave the NHLPA in roughly the same condition he left the auto industry.

A helicopter was required to rescue a man from an ice flow in northern Manitoba. The man was said to be in good condition and says he still plans to coach the Blue Bombers next year.

Kansas Royals pitcher Zach Grienke has won the American League Cy Young Award. Grienke suffers from a social disorder which makes him the 1st professional athlete to have a social disease not treatable with penicillin.

If giving up $8 million to play part time makes Alan Iverson the “Answer” the question must be who has more money than brains.

I saw an incident like the woman who attacked another player on the soccer field but they were covered with mud and there was a 2 drink minimum.

After a blown call by the referee on a hand ball sent France to a victory over Ireland in World Cup qualifications officials with Ireland are worried it might cause their fan base to take to the drink.

The owner of the Tennessee Titans was fined $250,000. For giving the Buffalo Bills fans the finger but yet the owner of the Bills wasn’t fined anything for giving his fans the shaft.

San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum had quite the month with being charged on possession of marijuana and then winning the Cy Young award by a paper thin margin.

A plan to have cruise ships in the harbour for Vancouver 2010 was scrapped with officials saying the plan collapsed when they couldn’t find enough girls to go wild.

Top 5 signs your teams celebrations are over the top
# 5 Players do the Lambeau Leap in practice
# 4 Team hires a choreographer for touchdown celebrations
# 3 Captain starts break dancing when he wins the coin toss
# 2 The referee has to tell players to get a room during hug fests
# 1 They play for a team from Toronto

Grrreeeaaattt!

Andre Agassi says he used crystal meth in his tennis career. And I thought they survived on Crystal Lite like their commercials said.

With both starting pitchers in the World Series former Cleveland Indians shouldn’t the City get some bragging rights?

A major goalie controversy has erupted in Montreal with Halak now having to carry Price.

Rogers Communication, owners of the Toronto Blue Jays, extended the contract of Paul Beason the 1st step in a rebuilding project scheduled to take minutes.

Rogers was denying rumours of an impending sale saying they receive almost 26% of their mobile communication divisions’ revenues from people texting “Jays Suck”.

A major breakthrough in limb replacement surgery has NFL officials excited about increasing the number of regular season games.

Not sure which story is getting the most coverage the H1N1 or the Leafs won, Leafs won!

It was 50 years ago the 1st goalie dared to wear a mask in a NHL contest changing the game forever as the object now was to knock off the mask.

Dr.’s are saying marijuana can be successful in removing hemorrhoids and was confirmed by every pro athlete that has spent serious time on the bench.

In the grand scheme of promotion how sad is it when the NHL is in a legal battle against one of the greatest players ever over money?

How can we thank Gary Betman for turning the simple pleasure of remembering Wayne Gretzky as the great one replace with him having to hire a great lawyer to save his reputation and money?

Police say a confrontation among rival fans in Brazil left two people hospitalized with gunshot wounds but Olympic officials are confident the violence will decrease once the soccer teams are finished their elimination rounds.

How many Mark McGuire puns are allowed with his hiring as hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals? Will he show the new players how he creamed them? Could be a shot in the arm for the team... could be a shot in the ass. There should be a contest.

Top 5 signs your new hitting coach is on steroids
# 5 Throws harder than the pitching machine
# 4 Doubles as the team masseuse and moisturizer
# 3 Asked to instruct nurses giving H1N1 shots
# 2 Keeps getting larger batting helmets
# 1 Favorite saying... “Take a pill”.

I be Leaf

It was a tough week for sports broadcasting networks with TSN getting flack for blacking out the Calgary/Saskatchewan game in Calgary and CBC being lambasted because they aired the Leaf game.

Because of the blackout I had to listen to the Stampeder radio coverage which had a few stutters in their play by play.

At 1st TSN said the blackout was a mistake but later they said it was an elections rule because it was felt Roughrider Chris Czarka, who is running for Alderman in Regina, would get an unfair advantage with the voters partying in Calgary.

A battle for the slums of Rio de Janerio, which resulted in cars and building being set alight, has Olympic officials questioning the Countries security. A spokesman for the Rio games was unconcerned saying the incident was just an Olympic torch rehearsal.

An autopsy is underway to discover the cause of death after an acrobat with the Cirque de Soleil fell to his death. Opinions vary as to whether it was the fall or the sudden stop at the bottom.

After taking a 30% pay raise last year the Alberta Conservatives reduced their salary by 5% and called it even. This is the type of accounting that Gary Bettman wants to see from potential owners of the Coyotes.

Calgary Transit refused to run posters for an art show featuring pictures of a giant baby on their train and bus lines which explains why advertisements for the TO Show were nixed as well.

An exhibit featuring parts of the Dead Sea Scrolls arrived in Canada and officials with the exhibit hope to have Chris Chelios supply some of the missing words.

I’m undecided if I should invest in Canada Savings Bonds, Alberta Savings Bonds or a Barry Bonds autograph.

Wouldn’t you know it? Just when watching the Leafs is fun HNIC says they may pull some of their games because they are not competitive. The only person who can remember when they were competitive was Foster Hewitt.

If the umpires keep making mistakes in the baseball playoffs they will soon be eligible for a bailout.

Will Leaf fans be given the H1N1 flu shot 1st as they seem to be getting sick almost dally?

My girlfriend says she would watch a lot more hockey if they would adopt the strip shoot out for each game.

The US Government is reducing bonuses paid to companies that almost destroyed the economy but a spokesman for the Leafs say Brian Burke will still get his.

Lights...camera...

Montreal Canadians George Laroque says he is ashamed after starring in a commercial featuring lingerie clad women playing street hockey. Laroque says he donated the money to animal awareness and I guess buying the women furs made them aware.

Isn’t giving the Nobel Prize to President Obama like giving Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke this year’s award for best executive in the NHL?

There is a precedent for giving President Obama the Nobel based on potential it’s called being the 1st round pick in the NFL draft.

The NFL had some objections to Rush Limbaugh as an owner, things like racism, polarization of political views and past drug abuse. The only reason he was considered at all is the NFL originally thought he wanted to be a player.

Limbaugh says he is the victim of a vast left wing conspiracy so maybe he knows enough about hockey to buy the Coyotes.

I hope they get the new building in Quebec City built before Gary Bettman figures out the city is still in Canada.

A startling report says the Arctic may be free of ice in 20 years. This prompted Gary Bettman to say if there is no ice and they build a rink they could have a shot at an NHL franchise.

As an investor I’m torn as to what will appreciate more... stocks that are rising despite the dismal job numbers or an autographed Vessa Toscula jersey?

The Toronto Argonauts want to play a home game in Moncton, the Buffalo Bills are playing home games in Toronto which has cause tourism officials in Toronto to unveil a new slogan... “Toronto a place to call someone else’s home”

More abused... Theo Fleury or Maple Leaf fans... discuss.

Canada received yet another slight from our American neighbours this week with the release of Theo Fleurys’ book. Where are all the Hollywood actors lining up to defend Graham James? I’m sure if you search his stuff there will be a film.

Hockey Dali

Teacher Pension the owners of the Toronto Maple Leafs have purchased the sleep company Simmons. A spokesman said the deal will accent the Leafs because when the Leafs lose customers have more mattress time.

The sideshow that is the NHL Players Association is much better suited to be a soap opera. I keep waiting for one of the honourable suits involved in knifing Union head Paul Kelly to suddenly confess he is actually Alan Eaglesons long lost sister Tootsie.

What is more honourable the NHL sticking an owner in Phoenix for millions in a market that won’t support a team or s former Chief Justice of Ontario peddling his influence to settle a score for a friend?

I’m pitching a script for a movie… in it Bonnie Lindros had an affair with Alan Eagleson and Eric is their lovechild in an elaborate plot to get rid of hockey so Hell can freeze over… can’t decide if it will be fantasy or a documentary…

Gary Bettman was furious at the decision of the Phoenix court saying the ruling would force him to spend nearly all this winter, talking with lawyers and staying in some crummy executive suite instead of enjoying the games in Nashville, New Jersey and Edmonton.

Kurtis Coombs, 19 had his hopes for victory as Mayor of Paradise NL vanish when he lost a draw after a tie with the other candidate. Coombs was furious saying the only other group that determines who gets the ball picking a name out of a hat is the Toronto Blue Jays.

Who says hockey isn’t trendy I mean they invented the fist bump.

It’s too bad Alberta is delaying their flu shots because the Flames look sick!

Calgary is wearing their original all red jerseys which make them look much bigger. Health officials say they are worried opposing teams may come down with a case of the Flames flu.

The Dali Lama was is Calgary and in an obvious pander to the city said non violence is OK but sometimes you just have to kick some Oiler ass.

Coach Ka Ching

Top 5 signs your coach is overpaid
# 5 Buys his hoodies from Saks 5th Avenue
# 4 His favourite whine is a 1996 Chteau Lafite Rothschild Pauillac
# 3 The only thing he takes to the bank is his cheque
# 2 His spread offense looks more like a spread sheet
# 1 2 His go to guy is EF Hutton

Wayne Gretzky has quit as coach of the Phoenix Coyotes citing a conflict with the way they play and the way they pay

A Russian mafia boss Mikhail Prokhorov is interested in buying the NJ Nets prompting NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman to charge the Nets with tampering as they had already cleared him to buy the Coyotes

The amount of money being paid to F-1 for the privilege to race in Montreal is just another FU-2 Canadian taxpayers

Canadian officials were apologetic over sending body bags to northern reserves saying they should have been sent to the Phoenix Coyotes.

Mohamar Kaddafi made a rambling speech at the UN questioning the election of George Bush, JFK’s assignation and why College Football refuses to go to a playoff system

Sport Select had an interesting over under line of 33 being the total points scored between the Argonauts and Blue Bombers or the temperature in Calgary

The former coach of the NY Jets was fined for not disclosing Brett Favre had an injury. Favre was furious saying advanced arthritis was common in men his age not an injury

Mixed Martial Arts fighter Rampage Jackson says he will quit to pursue an acting career with his first job portraying Latoya Jackson in a made for TV movie

Offensive moves

The Montreal Canadians have finalized the new ownership structure for their NHL team and in a surprise move named Bernie Madoff as an advisor to comply with an NHL tradition of having a designated crook on board.

The smallest crowd in Blue Jays history watched the team lose to Minnesota. A team spokesman said the crowd was very supportive and at times it only felt like the 2nd smallest. The lack of support is being heralded by City officials as another sign Toronto is world class and knows when they are being fleeced. They are turning their attention to more important matters like getting a ticket to see TO play.

Rafael Nadal was accosted by a man at the US Open who tried to give him a kiss. Prosecutors in NY say they will charge the man with the same crime as Plaxico Burris as they believe his gun in his pocket went off in a very public place.

Terrel Owens broke the news of Brady Quinn becoming the starting QB for Cleveland in a Tweet thus making him the Twit of the week.

After a summer free of elbowing, high sticking and sucker punches Canadians are getting excited for a return of their favourite sport, another Federal Election.

Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke is considering an offer sheet for Bruins forward Phil Kessel. This is totally different from when Burke lost a player to an offer sheet because at that time it happened to him.

Top 5 signs your CFL team needs a new offensive coordinator
# 5 He still draws up plays with a stick
# 4 The last time the offense had a TD it was scored as an official’s error
# 3 Team punter has a repetitive strain injury
# 2 The QB keeps hearing laughter in his headset
# 1 They score less points than a Premier League Football Club

A shocking report from Health officials warns Canadian kids will have a shorter life expectancy than their parents. They go on to say if they cheer for the Leafs at least it will seem like an eternity.

The release of Beatles Rock Band has inspired other ‘60’s live action games including Leafs Cup where you get to pretend to be a part of a team that has won a championship. The game is currently unrated as it is a learning tool, a historical document and and a fantasy escape from the regular season.

Alberta is reeling over an infestation of rats from Saskatchewan. What has puzzled officials is the timing of the outbreak. There is no Roughrider game which is when the vermin usually appear.

The NFL season is about to start and to acknowledge the event my GF is wearing her patience at half mast.

I have Krystal Gray in my fantasy pool and I didn’t even know she plays for the LFL.

Bet on a strike

Simon Fraser University has been sanctioned by the Canada West University board after they applied to become part of the NCAA II US athletics division. A spokesman for the school was disappointed but the sanction should help give them street cred with the NCAA.

Federal prosecutors are making an argument in court to be allowed to use evidence that shows Barry Bonds knowingly used steroids. The disputed evidence includes urine samples, delivery receipts and a confidential hat size from his haberdasher.

NBA referees say there appears to be no way around a work stoppage with one group giving odds of 3:1 against a settlement.

Vancouver Olympic officials are upset with the amount of counterfeit Olympic material showing up. So far they have found imitation mascots, trinkets and a couple of Ice Dancing judges.

Supporters in Regina were outraged when vandals painted the score on a Buffalo Bills player’s lawn saying the whole incident was a load of manure.

Renault will not contest charges they had driver Nelson Piquet Jr. intentionally crash a car. Team officials say it is the same in other sports where teams regularly throw coaches under a bus, flame out of a playoff position or gas a point after.

Bob Barker was in Edmonton to bring attention to an alleged elephant cruelty case. He later swung by Toronto and asked the Toronto Sports Network (TSN) to stop torturing the rest of Canada by showing every Maple Leaf game and practice on TSN2.

Which shot was more important to Theo Fleury, the one that won the game in a shootout or the one that convinced him to stop drinking 4 years ago?

Come on who among us didn’t want the Elephant in Edmonton to smack Bob Barker with her trunk and trumpet “This place is right bitch”?

Top 5 signs you may have an anger management problem.
# 5 You argue with the umpire over how he cleaned home plate
# 4 The team comes out with a limited edition wife beater jersey and it has your name on the back
# 3 Your mailing address is a Rehab Facility
# 2 John McEnroe has your poster tacked up in his room
# 1 You vandalize your favourite players house and he scored 3 TD’s in a win

A study from health officials around the world says that men under 30 have a shorter life expectancy because of poor eating and exercise habits... Officials suggest cheering for the Toronto Maple Leafs as it will make the hockey season seem like an eternity...

Mr. Sandman buy me a team

Officials are still having trouble determining if South African runner Caster Semenya is male or female. Tests so far are inconclusive and as a last resort are waiting to see if Travis Henry will accept a conjujical visit.

The NHL has tendered an offer to buy the Phoenix Coyotes. The offer is far less than the one given by Jim Balsillie as Commissioner Gary Bettman says he’s a little short at the moment.

The NHL says it is not in a conflict of interest and as a show of good faith to the other teams plans to ice the same shoddy product as in the past.

The IOC says they will help Vancouver with any shortfalls in their Olympic budget. They plan to raise the money by asking delegates to donate 10% of the bribes and graft they have been given in the past.

Louisville coach Rick Pitino says the sex scandal has been hell for his family and worst of all has totally ruined all you can eat Wednesdays for them.

Calgary Flames coach Brent Sutter gave a motivational talk to rodeo athletes before they left for the world championships in Brazil. Brent stressed teamwork, focus and most of all brand loyalty.

Police are questioning Oakland Raiders Head Coach Tom Cable after an altercation between him and assistant coach Randy Hanson ended with Hanson being hospitalized with a broken face. Cable denies any wrong doing and then beat up the reporter who asked the question.

A source in Minnesota says Vikings players are divided on the signing of Brett Favre with some saying they think he will help the team and others who are still trying to get an autograph.

San Francisco rookie Michael Crabtree wants $ 23 million in guaranteed money. He says it is his duty to hold out in order to help stimulate the stripper economy his version of cash for knockers.

Top 5 stipulations in the NHL bid to buy the Phoenix Coyotes
# 5 Judge must drink the Kool-Aid before reading the bid
# 4 Creditors accept autograph pictures of Shane Doan in lieu of cash
# 3 Arena to be re-named Jobbed.com
# 2 No Blackberries to be allowed in Phoenix
# 1 Potential owners must be no taller than 5’4”

The Grass is greener...

Blue Bombers QB Stephan Lefors has been asked to take a pay cut of $60,000 because he is no longer the starting QB. No word on if Coach Mike Kelly is losing any money for coaching like an assistant.

Bernie Madeoff is applying to the NHL for a prison franchise after getting glowing recommendations from the Gary Bettman and the Board of Directors. The deal is contingent with NY State officials moving the prison to Phoenix.

I have Mats Sundin in my NHL pool but it is in the shallow end.

The NCAA has wiped out the record of Memphis after their coach was hit with recruiting violations. The process is similar to Leafs fans forgetting the last 5 years ever happened, but with more drugs and hookers.

Tampa Bay Lightening owners are facing economic problems due to bad investments and a tanking real estate market. Things have gotten so bad one of them will leave and try to buy the Phoenix franchise.

Can you use pop bottles as collateral for an NHL franchise?

Dany Heatley says he won’t sign with Edmonton because he wants options and he has already been in one car wreck so why kill his career over it?

Is it possible to trade Heatley to Winnipeg and have the Bombers cut his salary?

Dwayne De Rosario says he will leave Toronto FC unless they get better grass coincidentally the same reason Rickey Williams gave for leaving the Miami Dolphins.

The Jamaican men’s relay team failed to set another world record prompting call for drug testing to determine why.

Hooker Care...

Top 5 signs your star athlete has reformed
# 5 When carrying unregistered guns into a Club will always wear a belt
# 4 Promises to dedicate his season in memory of the people he ran over
# 3 Is determined to only have unprotected sex with women who really love him and accept his condition
# 2 Will try to make it rain for drought stricken farmers
# 1 Has given up all milkshakes for Lent

Republicans were asked where they found so many people willing to boo, heckle and insult officials at Town Hall meetings on Health Care now that the Knicks were in the off season.

When Pres. Obama heard Louisiana coach Rick Pitino paid for his hookers’ health care he said 1 down 49,999,999 left to insure

Hockey parents were livid after paying for their sons to attend a camp to help boost their sons’ careers and the only scouts there were from the Leafs, Lighting and Coyotes

The IOC says they want to capture the youth so they are considering adding sports such as golf, lawn bowling and whist for the 2016 Games

Louisiana Coach Rick Pitino had to pay $3000 for his mistresses’ health care once he found out that her being a blackmailing hooker was a pre existing condition

With Theo Fleury asking for reinstatement finally Gary Bettman has someone he can see eye to eye with

The Cleveland Browns are suing the Obama Administration for infringing on their copy write Cash for Clunkers

After a poor pre season outing maybe lining up in the shotgun brought back too many painful memories for Vince Young

If the TB Lightning can't sort out their ownership the NHL will go with one of their approved candidates Bernie Madeoff or Peter Puck

Minnesota Wild owner Craig Leopold was late in writing a letter making the case that Jim Balsillie would be a bad NHL owner as he was busy writing a character reference to help Boots Del Biaggio qualify for conjugical visits

Patrick Kane says he thought the Taxi Driver wanted 20% of his salary like the NHL clawback not 20 cents...

Exciting news... Theo Flurey is coming out of retirement to play in the NHL & Rosie O''Donnell is dieting to become part of the Lingerie Football League

Wii is planning a curling version of its game it hopes will capture the nostalgic fans who still want to play while smoking & drinking

The Cash 4 Clunkers program: combining the honesty of used car salesmen with the efficiency of the federal Gov"t

Big Pappy all Shook Up

The new movie The Time Travellers wife is about a man who meets a girl, disappears, re-appears and marries her, disappears again, reappears to impregnate her, disappears again, and re-appears when the child is 10. Producers thought the public would not accept it as much with its original title The NBA Stars Wife.

Finally Big Pappy has uncovered why he tested positive in 2003. It turns out he was in Jamaica and it was a vendor named Sally who sold supposedly steroid stained shakes by the sea shore.

Pity the children who have decipher athletes who are positive they never tested positive, come clean saying they thought they were clean because they wasn't clear about clear.

Big Pappy says he tested positive because while in Jamaica he encountered a vendor named Sally and she sold steroid shakes by the sea shore

Q:What do you call a man who purchases a solid 18-carat gold penis enlarger worth $50,000? A 18 Carrot Topper-Upper

Q:What do you call a man who purchases a solid 18-carat gold penis enlarger worth $50,000? Goldenrod!

Seeing pictures of Vladimir Putin I'm waiting until he appears on the list of steroid users

There has been so much rain in Toronto this year the Mayor is considering sending in the Navy

President Obama celebrated his 48th birthday by shooting his age in a game of bowling

Canada Post is having such a tough time during the recession instead an adhesive they are asking players from the Riders to lick the Stamps

F-1 racing is an International event with drivers from Belgium, Brazil & Spain gathering in Montreal to spend money while they compete for a huge cash prise in US dollars all of which is subsidised by the Canadian Government and paid for by the taxpayers of Alberta. As the French say...Tres Bien!

The Lithuanian wife carrying contest was marred by tragedy when it was used as a segment piece for the Reality Show “More to Love"

The economy is benefitting from 2 new stimulus injections the Cash for Clunkers rebate and the NFL training camps and their Bucks for F%$ks curfew beater.

The 86 swim records broken at the World Championships in Rome beat the previous record for records broken at one meet set by 85 people who met Paris Hiltons & bought her record listened to it and broke it.

Blue Jays Aaron Hill is surprised by his sudden increase in home runs but says things got better when Big Pappy took him out for a shake

Kevin Costner was trapped on stage during a wind storm in Alberta but thankfully was saved by his Bodyguard.

Top 5 things retiring players REALLY want to say
# 5 I”d spend more time with my kids if I knew where they were
# 4 I only played the last 4 years for the money
# 3 I signed with the Leafs because I love golf
# 2 I’ll miss the groupies
# 1 The Riders weren’t my only Pride

The (Unconfirmed) Swindlers List

Rumored 2003 Swindlers List of MLB

How many players who were clean didn't make it to the Bigs?

1.Nomar Garciaparra
2.Manny Ramirez (Confirmed NY Times)
3.Johnny Damon
4.Trot Nixon
5.David Ortiz (Confirmed NY Times)
6.Shea Hillenbrand
7.Derek Lowe
8.Pedro Martinez
9.Brian Roberts
10.Jay Gibbons
11.Melvin Mora
12.Jerry Hairston
13.Jason Giambi
14.Alfonso Soriano
15.Raul Mondesi
16. Aaron Boone
17.Andy Pettitte
18.Jose Contreras
19.Roger Clemens
20.Carlos Delgado
21.Vernon Wells
22.Frank Catalanotto
23.Kenny Rogers
24.Magglio Ordonez
25.Sandy Alomar
26.Bartolo Colon
27.Brent Abernathy
28.Jose Lima
29.Milton Bradley
30.Casey Blake
31.Danys Baez
32.Craig Monroe
33.Dmitri Young
34.Alex Sanchez
35.Eric Chavez
36.Miguel Tejada
37.Eric Byrnes
38.Jose Guillen
39.Keith Foulke
40.Ricardo Rincon
41.Bret Boone
42.Mike Cameron
43.Randy Winn
44.Ryan Franklin
45.Freddy Garcia
46.Rafael Soriano
47.Scott Spiezio
48.Troy Glaus
49.Francisco Rodriguez
50.Ben Weber
51.Alex Rodriguez (Confirmed Selena Roberts)
52.Juan Gonzalez
53.Rafael Palmeiro
54.Carl Everett
55.Javy Lopez
56.Gary Sheffield
57.Mike Hampton
58.Ivan Rodriguez
59.Derrek Lee
60.Bobby Abreu
61.Terry Adams
62.Fernando Tatis
63.Livan Hernandez
64.Hector Almonte
65.Tony Armas
66.Dan Smith
67.Roberto Alomar
68.Cliff Floyd
69.Roger Cedeno
70.Jeromy Burnitz
71.Moises Alou
72.Sammy Sosa (Confirmed NY Times)
73.Corey Patterson
74.Carlos Zambrano
75.Mark Prior
76.Kerry Wood
77.Matt Clement
78.Antonio Alfonseca
79.Juan Cruz
80.Aramis Ramirez
81.Craig Wilson
82.Kris Benson
83.Richie Sexson
84.Geoff Jenkins
85.Valerio de los Santos
86.Benito Santiago
87.Rich Aurilia
88.Barry Bonds
89.Andres Galarraga
90.Jason Schmidt
91.Felix Rodriguez
92.Jason Christiansen
93.Matt Herges
94.Paul Lo Duca
95.Shawn Green
96.Oliver Perez
97.Adrian Beltre
98.Eric Gagne
99.Guillermo Mota
100.Luis Gonzalez
101.Todd Helton
102.Ryan Klesko
103.Gary Matthews

Going Swimingly...

Top 5 NHL requirements to own the Phoenix Coyotes
# 5 Deep pockets shallow intellect
# 4 US citizenship
# 3 Be shorter than Gary Bettman
# 2 Plenty of ice in your drinks
# 1 Meds... lots of meds...

Psychologists are upset Wikipedia posted the results for the Rorschach inkblot tests especially since the most common response was boobies

Megan Fox is being banned from the internet today or as my GF calls it ...Thursday

Angry over losing a race to a swimmer with a better suit Michael Phelps has challenged Paul Bierdermann to a non rubber match

The NHL says Jim Balsillie doesn't meet the good character, integrity and financial requirements of an owner a bar set by Boots Del Biaggio

Boston Red Sox pitcher Dice-K is upset by the training regime which he says is hurting his arm. Dice-K says Japanese men have a different body type from Americans except of course Sumo Wrestlers

Swine flu risk increases with pregnancy CDC advises women to avoid the Calgary Stampede, NBA games and any Rider fan wearing a watermelon hat

Michael Schumacher is un-retiring to race for F-1 and in a surprise move will have Brett Favre in the backseat telling him when to turn

You know the new swim suits are making a difference when Shaq has to give Phelps a head start on his Reality show because he is wearing a better brand

In what has to be a 1st Plaxico led off his address to the Grand Jury with...My Bad...

Plaxico Burress testifies in front of a Grand Jury... breaks out dress sweats...

Molson's deal to purchase the Montreal Canadians is coming to a head after CIT Bank financing fell flat

A new book called 1959: The year that changed everything is so right on... both me and Fidel would become dictators

Calgary has a new $25 million footbridge that City politicians named the Peace Bridge. It was difficult finding a moniker to a monumental to waste of money because Coyotes, Vernon Wells and David Beckham were taken.

When asked how he felt about Arland Bruce Argos coach Bart Andrus said “he's dead to me”.

It was an interesting week with Michael Vick being allowed back in the NFL and Pete Rose’s name being considered for reinstatement. Up next week Plaxico Burress will become the head of the NRA, Travis Henry a spokesman for planned pregnancy and Gary Bettman will join the NY Knicks as a power forward.

The Canadian Open saw 8 holes in one shot this week just missing the record set by 50 Cent.

Michael Bishop says he thinks Stephan Laforge is a good quarterback which is a pretty left handed compliment.

The movie 500 Days of Summer Is in a trademark fight with the Toronto Blue Jays as they say that is how long it feels for the average fan.

The EU celebrated banning Canadian seal products with a dinner of foie gras and veal.

A reports says obese people live longer than normal weight ones so I'm putting my money on John Daly for the 2036 British Open.

In a ruling of the organizing body male Olympic swimmers will be required to wear a Speedo type suits although officials strongly advise anyone over 30 look in a mirror 1st before going to the beach in one.

Why is the Blue Jays Roy Halliday a hero for wanting to play with a winner and Mats Sundin a traitor for bailing out on the Leafs?

Sirius radio is the headset supplier for CFL teams and has a side agreement with the Blue Bombers to air their play calling as a comedy show.

As a way to save time David Ortiz was getting his steroid injections the same time he had liposuction

Tour de Pranks...

A sign you may not win the tour du France... every time you try to light a cigarette the wind blows out your match

A sign you may not win the Tour de France...your high performance secret sauce is from McDonalds

Japan's sumo wrestlers are hitting the beach to promote environmental awareness and to remain carbon neutral planted a forest

A sign you may not win the Tour de France...your blood doping expert is Dracula

The Toronto Argos are leaving Arland Bruce off the team saying he should beat it

Japan's sumo wrestlers are hitting the beach to promote environmental awareness trouble is they keep getting pushed back into the water

Manny enters in the 6th inning and hits a grand slam... says he is feeling better in the 2nd trimester

Thieves in Australia have stolen 58 curling rocks from a truck. Police say they managed to make a clean sweep of the goods

Thieves in Australia have stolen 58 curling rocks from a truck. Police say it looked like an in the house job done by hacks

Thieves in Australia have stolen 58 curling rocks from a truck. Police say it wasn't a professional job and likely the work of an in turn

Thieves in Australia have stolen 58 curling rocks from a truck. Police say a witness heard the robbers yelling hurry...hard...hard

Kush Support claims to help endowed women sleep better when placed between the breasts replacing the old way a wad 20's from Pacman Jones

The world of news reporting was stunned when it was learned the death of Walter Cronkite was first reported on a Twitter from Chad Ochocinco

After tossing Galaxy fans the bird I guess David can now extend it like Beckham

A Japenese firm has invented a device that turns a dog’s bark into words like I'm hungry, play with me and Help! Michael Vick is free

Both Lance Armstrong and Tom thought they could see their way to victory but it appears they forgot their bi-focals

Tom Watson failing to win the British Open and Lance Armstrong falling back on the Tour de France I guess old isn't the new young

It won't be long before Tom Watson will be telling his grandchildren about how he almost won the British Open walking uphill, into a blizzard, barefoot

A big shout out to Sherlock Holmes for finding Watson's ball on 17

A report says Watermelons may prevent erectile dysfunction which may explain all the dicks at Mosiac field

A report says Watermelons may prevent erectile dysfunction which may explain why the Roughriders were playing like stiffs against the Alouettes...

Officials say the H1N1 flu could rank with the Bubonic flu of the 1600's , Spanish Flu of the 1900' or the Philly Flu of the Flyers Cup run

World Anti-Drugging Association to investigate the performance enhancing properties of Metamucil, Bran Flakes and Geritol

The British Open... you can't spell fescue without FU

Headline: Tom Watson a stroke off the pace maker

Max Mosley goose stepping down from F-1 Reich or Wrong?

Must be the farmer in me coming out but watching the British Open all I can think is look at the fescue on that one

Visa la Yankee

San Antonio Spur Richard Jefferson left his bride at the altar surprising no one with his reluctance to take it to the hole

Travis Henry was sentenced to 3 years for drug trafficking which works out to 3,768 conjugal visits

After a day of gouging, low blows and hits from behind NFL players were glad to get out of Congress and back to the field

When a Visa bill for $23,148,855,308,184,500.00 showed up a Texas man said that was the last time he takes the family to a Yankee game

A man who got a $23,148,855,308,184,500.00 Visa bill was torn the payments were killer but the bonus points got him a seat on the Shuttle

I'm waiting for Allan Iverson's new rant over his latest salary offers...Pittance... we're talking about pittance!!

I wonder how much of Gary Bettman’s $7.1 million salary is held back in escrow?

The owners of the Chicago Cubs may put the team into bankruptcy to hasten the sale but worry they may become known as losers

A report says swearing increases tolerance to pain which explains how Leaf fans survive the season long agony

The romance between Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo is dead...with Cowboy fans wearing their Daisy Dukes at half assed

Most NFL teams see retro jerseys as a license to print money Bengals find it more of a license to build plates

Phoenix owner Jerry Moyes is accusing bidders of colluding to produce an uncompetitive bid or as the teams scouting staff call it draft day

Headline: Boxer Arturo Gatti loses fight for biggest purse of his life

Nike confiscated an embarrassing tape of a kid dunking on King James... Leafs have asked CBC to bury the footage of the team from ’68-‘09

Canada hosts hockey tournament on Israel/Lebanon border ...Middle East Peace eh?

NBA Commissioner spends vacation scaling mountain while the NHL's tries to dig out from a mountain of crap

The wife of Arturo Gatti is being held by Police because she didn't see her husband was dead in the Hotel for 10 hrs. My girlfriend is still not seeing the connection

The Saskatchewan Roughrider defence gave the Toronto Argos a whole new definition of getting a Chickkicking

The Argos seem to be playing flag football.

Is a shovel pass eligible for infrastructure funding?

I found a great new tool to watch games on TSN it's not HD it's MUTE! Does HD mean hopefully deaf?

Wearing my green underwear for the Roughrider game today... girlfriend says they weren't originally green...

Harry Potter opened this weekend the story of a girl attracted to a boy with a magic wand. Travis Henry is suing.
Winnipeg spying on Hamilton is like Angelina Jolie getting diet advice from Rosie O’Donnell

F-1 Chairman Max Mosley says he will step down this year so he can devote more time to humiliating his family

Tom Watson nearly shot his age in the British Open and not to be outdone John Daley shot his pant size

Top 5 excuses for failing a drug test
# 5 Gave mouth to mouth to Amy Winehouse
# 4 Ate a genetically modified prairie oyster
# 3 Mixed up steroid with haemorrhoid cream
# 2 Ate my teenagers brownies by mistake
# 1 Left the untainted pee in my other pants

Dine and Equine

Chad Ocho Cinco wants to send updates to his fans during the game since he is usually doing sweet tweet anyway

There was fantastic competition at the World Jewish Games, with almost every race won by a nose.

Former US figure skating champion Nicole Bobek was charged with running a drug ring which has thrown everyone for a triple loop

The only chance Bobek has in beating the rap is if she can get a couple of French Judges at her trial

You could tell BJ Ryan was finished as a closer because he would enter games to Boy Georges "Do you really want to hurt me?"

The Indiana Pacers deny being too "white" saying they only look for the cream of the crop

Bad news 2 horses killed during the Calgary Stampede... on the bright side there are ingredients for a whole new episode of The Wild Chef

A signed picture of Sidney Crosby was stolen from a Tim Horton’s... police say if the thief is caught he will be in double double trouble

MY 1st Fan Letter!

As this is my 200th post I was thrilled to receive my 1st ever letter from a fan... I don't want to gloat so I will only show a part of it...


Derek Wilken is a comic and teaches comedy! Obviously he is confused as to the difference between comedy and childish commentary. Nothing he says is by any stretch of the imagination funny. Spiteful, childish, inane,ridiculous, just plain dumb, would better describe his contribution.


I wish mom were alive... she would be so proud!

Fore Skins Game

I’m not sure Manny has the entire fertility drug out of his system because after hitting a home run he gave the fans a curtsy call..

PRTA is calling on TV broadcasters to boycott the Calgary Stampede saying it is complicit in the cruelty. I guess that means the Toronto Sports Network (TSN) must be guilty of crimes against humanity for giving us so many Leaf, Raptor, Jays and Argos games.

A village in Saskatchewan has built a replica of the Eifel Tower in order to attract tourists and investment. When asked to comment Gary Bettman said nice try, but you still don’t get a franchise.

The BC Civil Liberties Association has accused the International Olympic Committee of restricting free speech. Asked to comment an Olympic spokesman said “ “.

The Staples Center in Los Angles is holding an on-line auction for the tickets to Michael Jackson’s memorial service. The LA Clippers were hoping to cash in on the frenzy by offering season tickets to see their stiffs at the same time.

Until Danny Heatley rejected an offer to play with the Oilers I didn’t even know he was married.

Watching Jessie Lumsden reminds me of the Kindergarten song “head and shoulder knees and toe...knees and toes.”

Over 1.6 million people applied for tickets to see memorial service of Michael Jackson. This surpasses the previous record for people wanting to see a morbid spectacle set by Maple Leaf season ticket hopefuls.

Last Twitter update from Steve McNair... just bought my girlfriend the cutest gun...

What is more interesting the running of the bulls in Pamplona or the spreading of the bull by Gary Bettman?

Jewish athletes from all over the world have gathered to compete in athletic events but alas no golf skins game.

Scientists have detected a hormone which can tell women the moment they become pregnant thus replacing the old way hooking up with an NBA player.

Baseball Wives is another TV show filled with women I could never get to 2nd base with

Homely Court Disadvantage

Twitter has scored another 1st as they were able to capture the whole press conference announcing the signing of Jay Boumeester with Daryl Sutter in less than 140 characters.

Mike Holmes has been named the parade marshal for the Calgary Stampede and while he was in town did some work by checking out the foundations at Cowboys.

Wimbledon is under fire for admitting they chose the Centre Court players based on looks. This is a 180 degree reversal from an earlier decision to give English players the limelight.

Top 5 signs you are too ugly to play at Center Court in Wimbledon
# 5 Your dentist is British
# 4 The press describes you as having a bangers and mash complexion
# 3 Travis Henry turned you down for a conjugal visit
# 2 You had cosmetic surgery from Michael Jacksons Doctor
# 1 Your doubles partner wears blinders

NBA free agents are being given far less than in previous years with some going so far as to use condoms rather than pay more child support.

The CFL game between Toronto and Hamilton featured tributes to Michael Jackson with the Argos Arland Bruce imitating him in death after scoring a touchdown and the Tiger Cats copying his moon walk while on offense.

I think I have it straight, a Burka is a religious construct made of cotton used to protect the wearers’ modesty and a Brian Burka is a hockey contract made of money used to camouflage the players mediocrity.

A report says Canadians will have to work longer or have more kids to remain internationally competitive. The report was issued by a group including Brett Favre, Chris Chelios and Travis Henry.

So Canadians need to have more children, you know what that means... another NBA team is just about guaranteed.

Hole in Marketing

The coverage of the US Open was slightly tilted in praise of the US players. While Mike Weir held the early lead commentators attributed his lead to luck while beautiful swings from Michelson and Woods just had bad luck when the shot caught the bunkers, went out of bounds by a fraction or merely wounded spectators.

The biggest decisions facing the US Open were the rain delays, ticket refunds and what to do with all the video they pre-shot for Tiger Woods 1st Fathers Day win.

This just in: The Calgary Flames have announced the signing of Brent Sutter as their new head coach. Included in the deal was Brent’s ownership to the Red Deer Rebels which were then sent to New Jersey for the right to offer Brent the job.

New Jersey was originally holding out for the Flames stake in the Calgary Hitmen instead of the Rebels saying they felt a certain kinship.

Saturday was Soccer Day in Canada and the Moms taking the kids to the games agreed it was timed beautifully to precede Fathers Day.

The economy has really put the squeeze financially on this year’s US Open and I know it’s a Public Course and all but I think they have to stop taking tee times in between the players’ shots.

There was an awkward moment during the meeting between Gary Bettman and the NHL players when it was suggested the NHL was not on ESPN because they felt like a little fish in a big pond.

# 1 Twitter update from NFL players on Father’s Day... “Who’s your Daddy?”

NBC was so morose about the rain and Tiger not being in contention you almost expected them to close out coverage each day with Taps.

Why not re-name the course Beth Page Bath?

Maybe they won’t break any viewer records at this year’s US Open but it should get good numbers once it goes into rotation on the new Obituary Channel.

You would think the announcers have somewhere better to be on Monday instead of commenting on Golf.

With all the talk about hybrid clubs you would have thought the organizers could have gotten a sponsorship from Prius.

There is specualation the Molson bid for the Montreal Canadians is being funded by the Quebec Pension fund. This would explain the seemingly drunk decisions the agency took to lose 20% last year.

I wonder if they toasted the deal?

If they knew how much it would influence Russian boxing, I think the US might have nixed Rocky.

Brian Burke of the Toronto Maple Leafs is conditioning himself for his 1st draft with the team by jumping to conclusions, running off at the mouth and leaping to speculation.

With the Raptors draft on Thurs. and the Leafs on Fri. It might be possible to blacken 2 days with one stroke of the pen.

Top 5 Fathers Day gifts for the Sutter Brothers
# 5 Flames ties
# 4 Flames socks
# 3 Flames golf balls
# 2 Flames cuff links
# 1 Flames Best Dad coffee mugs

Is it only a coincidence the Iranian revolution is wearing the same colours as the favourite team from Little Mosque on the Prairie?

The owner of Apple Stephen Jobs has been given a new liver in a transplant. Asked how he was able to keep the operation secret Jobs credited following the NHL injury disclosure policy.

A German equestrian rider was suspended after her horse tested positive for banned drugs. The horse was shocked blaming the test on a fertility drug commonly used by baseball players.

The suspension will be confirmed once they find a 5-gallon pail to get a B sample.

With President Obama throwing out the 1st pitch at the All-star game I hope he throws a change.

The USA beating Spain in soccer is being called the miracle on grass to which Michael Phelps replied try undressing a stripper after a few bong hits.

Alberta has outlawed armoured vehicles directly impacting gang members, drug dealers and payday deposits for the Flames.

South Carolina Gov. Sanford spent his Fathers Day having an affair with a woman in Argentina. Former NFL player Travis Henry says he was also out of the country for the day but did so to avoid the endless stream of pancakes from his kids.

ESPN viewed a pre draft special before their coverage of the NBA draft and not to be outdone Verses began their NHL draft coverage with a fly fishing special called the biggest catch.

Hall of a cheap time

Mike Holmes has been named the 2009 marshal of the Calgary Stampede Parade. This is only fitting as the downtown core of Calgary looks like a renovation that has gone horribly wrong. Holmes spent some time surveying the sites of Calgary and was especially impressed how the foundations at Cowboys defied gravity.



Sammy Sosa is reported to be on the list of players who tested positive for performance enhancing drugs before baseball began regular testing. Asked to comment Sosa replied “no hablo English”.



It looks like the NHL has won the battle to retain control over the Phoenix Coyotes after a judge ruled he could not approve a transfer as part of bankruptcy proceedings. A jubilant Gary Bettman told reporters he is confident a buyer looking to lose millions can be found but if not he is sure the players will not mind subsidising the loss.



The US Government is in talks with the NHL to use the Jobbing.com arena in Phoenix as a treatment centre for the H1N1 flu. A spokesman for the Department of Health is excited because no fever generated in the arena has ever transferred to the general public.



The NHL playoffs were the most watched in the last 40 years and to celebrate Versus Network promises to broadcast next year’s games in colour.



Detroit Red Wings defenseman Nicklas Lidstrom played in the Stanley Cup final despite having a "nearly catastrophic injury to his testicle." His injury was kept secret and his lack of production was attributed to a reaction to bad nuts.



Top 5 signs your City put on a cheap championship parade

# 5 Special Guest Speaker: William from Sanitation

# 4 Convertibles replaced by street sweepers

# 3 The parade route is a Cul de Sac

# 2 Instead of a Key to the City you are given an expired pass key to a Motel 6

# 1 By charging for using the toilet it turns a small profit







A report from Corrections Canada says inmates will be offered money to take part in treatment programs. Details of the offer are still being worked out with the amount to be paid, who is eligible and if the convicts are professional athletes will the money count against the salary cap.



It is reported the mark-up for text messages is nearly 4900% or roughly the same amount as a pair of Toronto Maple Leaf season tickets. This explains why Rogers Communications can turn a profit with the Blue Jays as every “Jays Suck” text is a goldmine.



The Sundin twins have asked for a contract said to be 12 years in length and over $63 million in total. The twins talked about how they could justify a contract which would end with them being nearly 40 and they were quick to point out the average 40 year old Swede is in better shape than the average 20 year old Canadian. The Canucks responded saying the old Participaction commercial no longer applies.



Former NFL QB Ryan Leaf was arrested at the Us Canada border and charged with drug and burglary charges and might be the worst QB sneak he has ever attempted.



Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke says he will not pursue Danny Heatley saying his actions were irresponsible and he knows irresponsible. Burke says signing Heatley would upset his 20 year turnaround plan.



Buffalo Bill receiver Terrel Owens has found a place to rent in Buffalo. His agent says it was hard to find a luxury place that is available to rent on a week to week basis.



Top 5 signs an auto racer may be on performance enhancing drugs

# 5 He has larger breasts than Dancia Patrick

# 4 Doesn’t need a jack to change a tire

# 3 His biggest sponsor is BALCO

# 2 Has a severe bout of road rage during his victory lap

# 1 Keeps bragging about his Armstrong power steering

Just because some of the NHL players were sporting cheesy ‘70’s moustaches this year doesn’t mean they had to play porn music during the awards show.

I kept waiting for Gary Bettman to jump out of a cake or deliver a pizza at least.

I know they were running out of hot supermodels to help present the awards but Rita McNeil?

The girlfriends of the players were a bit confused when they awarded the Lady Bing but there was no Bada.

Seeing the NHL players struggle to read their cue cards during the NHL Awards I’m thinking maybe a year of College might not be a bad idea.

The University of Toronto has unveiled the fastest computer in Canada. The computer will be used for medical science, environmental programs and to determine the odds of Toronto hosting a championship in the next 50 years.

Phoenix Resting

The H1N1 flu is about to be upgraded to pandemic status which may put restrictions on people attending sporting events. Reacting to the crisis the NHL has offered the US Government the use of Jobbing.com arena for quarantine purposes saying there has never been a fever recorded that reached the public.

Andrew Lopez a motivational speaker consultant who has worked with a contestant for the Miss Universe pageant is the spokesman for the Toronto Legacy who want to bring a 2nd NHL team to Toronto. When asked about the team goals Lopez said to win a Stanley Cup, donate 25% of profits to charity and of course world peace.

The Legacy was not their original choice for the team hoping to add a competing sports franchise to a major city but the Clippers were taken.

I know it was Roger Feder’s 1st French Open and the tie with Pete Sampras but enough already with the kissing, fondling and groping of the trophy. Get a room. Save your romance for the trophy on your other arm.

The unofficial Prime Minister of Russia has spoken out against the opulence of the West. In particular he pointed out unsustainable energy use, the luxury of an unending food supply and the unshakable belief the Leafs will make the playoffs.

As a sign of the times the PM of Russia has asked Gary Bettman to come up with a nationwide salad cap.

The NHL awards are in Los Vegas this year which is only fitting in light of the fight to move the Phoenix franchise to Hamilton. Now if Bettman can only enforce the “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” motto to Phoenix.

Top 5 signs you should retire from Pro sports
# 5 Offseason surgery included cataracts, corns and colon
# 4 Your old jersey number was in Roman Numerals
# 3 You haze the new rookies by getting them to clip your toenails
# 2 You spend most of training camp running in the draft of the younger players
# 1 You tell the groupies to have the guys home by 11:00

Watching Roger Federe break into tears at winning the French Open and the way he kissed the trophy highlights the growing problem of female hormones in Pro Sports. Drug officials are perplexed and can’t conceive of a possible reason.

What is the difference between a wide receiver and a woman trying to get pregnant? Sorry that was meant to be rhetorical.

Thomas Beatie the pregnant man is giving birth to a second baby and while talking to reporters gave a shout out to Manny Ramirez and told him to keep trying.

The Canadian Mint is investigating the disappearance of thousands of ounces of gold and gold dust from the vaults. In a related story a prospector from Arizona says he has discovered gold under the parking lot of the Phoenix Coyotes arena and plans to make an offer for the team. When asked to comment Gary Bettman laughed and stroked his cat.

Driving mit Donte

CBC had picture trouble for the 3rd game of the Pittsburgh Detroit playoff game with officials saying the Governments purchase of GM resulted in some budget reductions so CBC was forced to download the feed with slow speed connections.

The French Open women’s finalists all have names that end in A after the entry from Canada was eliminated eh?

Top 5 birthday gift suggestions for Gary Bettman
# 5 An i-Phone to replace his Blackberry
# 4 A new pair of rose coloured glasses
# 3 Another cost cutting lockout
# 2 An autographed portrait of Napoleon
# 1 The new book “I’m OK you’re probably going bankrupt”

A high performance hockey program for women headquartered in Calgary has been cancelled with officials citing budget concerns, scheduling conflicts and surprise women had spare time away from the kitchen to play hockey.

Yahoo is suing the NFL claiming they have the rights to use the players statistics for their on line pool. A spokesman for the NFL was incensed saying betting is illegal and even worse they are not paying the big.

Canada has moved up to 83 in world rankings for soccer thus guaranteeing them a place in the Canadian Soccer Hall of Fame.

Motown would have loved watching the last Detroit Pittsburgh game and would probably have a hit with a song titled “Too many men”.

Health groups across Canada are worried about the wait times to access an MRI with life threatening illness taking weeks to diagnose, serious conditions put on a hold for months and potentially sprained ankles for professional athletes taking over 2 hours.

The NY Yankees set a record for the longest error free streak in baseball because as groupies everywhere know this team has great hands.

Cleveland Browns receiver Donte Stallworth was in court to enter a plea in his manslaughter trial and in a surprise move offered to dedicate his season to the man he ran over in return for a discharge. The family denied the request saying the chances of Donto having a bang-up year were hit and miss at best.

If convicted Donte could spend 15 years in prison and have way more guys in his huddle.

Taxing Race

After seeing how fans cheered when alleged tax evader Helio Castroneves won the Indy 500 President Obama announced plans for future cabinet picks to run in a similar race the Income Avoidance 500.

The RCMP hired a video expert to break down the video of a man being tazered to death to show he was in fact at some point threatening. This is the same evidence given by management of the Chicago Blackhawks to show Detroit defenseman Nicolas Cromwell meant to hurt Martin Havlat.

Havlat says he doesn’t know Kromwell personally but his face rings his bell.

I felt like a really old man when I was watching the NHL playoffs and kept telling the kids in my day coaches didn’t complain every time someone on their team was hit.

Hearing all the stories about the prowess of NBA players in picking up the women in Clubs who would have thought the Denver Nuggets would lose 2 games because they couldn’t make a last second pass?

Isn’t Jim Balsillie officially submitting for an NHL franchise with the league like Hannibal Lector formally applying for a Diners Club Card?

Chicago Blackhawks coach Joel Quinville says a roughing minor during a scrum was “The worst call in the history of Sport”. The NHL fined Joel and in a press release called his histrionics the worst case of referee baiting in the history of civilization.

After winning the Memorial Cup the Windsor Spitfire were asked to reduce their celebrations by 40% if they expect to be competitive with other Jr. Hockey franchises.

Pat Quinn was named coach of the Edmonton Oilers thus increasing the average age of the team by 6 years. Pat’s last job was with the World Jr. team and takes over a club that is younger.

Quinn says he got along great while coaching the juniors and the kids especially loved his stories about how he used to walk to practice in the winter, barefoot, against the wind, uphill, both ways.

Officials from Whistler say there are still plenty of rooms available for the Olympics and prices have stabilized with rates ranging from your first born, right arm and left testicle.

Jose Canseco was beaten in just over a minute in his UFC fight and says he wanted to go further but because of the steroids he didn’t have the balls.

Calgary Flames GM Darryl Sutter says he doesn’t use Twitter calling it too wordy.

Top 5 signs your NHL coach is old
# 5 Still uses a wooden stick, for discipline
# 4 Calls Larry King a young puppy
# 3 Played defence with Chris Chelios
# 2 When he scrolls down his roster uses an actual scroll
# 1 Spend time with the video coach to watch the moving pictures

A Toronto family is trying to authenticate a stick believed to have been signed by the 1924 Olympic hockey team. The stick was given to their grandmother a reminder of a time when players gave groupies a different shaft.

Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Anquan Boldin has filed papers to fire his agent saying his current contract negotiations reflect a sanity and value not congruent with his beliefs.

Calgary Police have added 50 new officers to perform foot patrols saying they had nothing to do on the Red Mile so they thought they might look for criminals.

Manny Ramirez went 10 days before meeting with teammates to apologize over his recent positive drug test. A spokesman for the team was unconcerned by the delay putting it down to female problems.

Top 5 signs your star player is taking female fertility drugs
# 5 Refuses to go out with teammates saying he is nesting
# 4 Signs an endorsement deal with a sports bra manufacturer
# 3 Hires Martha Stewart to redecorate his locker
# 2 Complains about water retention
# 1 Constantly asking teammates if the uniform makes his ass look big

Pittsburgh Penguins captain Sidney Crosby grabbed the conference final trophy breaking from tradition that says the only trophy you grab is your wife.

A Phoenix judge handling the NHL case says he will address the 10,000 pound gorilla in the room and then asked Keith Tzchuck for his opinion.

The first grants have been handed out by a group of professional sports to research anti doping practices. The grants will determine the overall affect on attendance when athletes are unable to bench press 900 pounds.

The Toronto Blue Jays lost 9 games in a row and with 4 more defeats hope to qualify for federal bailout money.

The only people to strike out more than the Blue Jays on their road trip were the Star Trek fan club of Regina on their way to Comic Con.

Moat Point

It has been alleged the NHL was in control of the Phoenix Coyotes since last November thus adding fire to the rumour Gary Bettman wanted to stop any Canadian team from winning the Stanley Cup by trading Ollie Joiken to Calgary.

Seeing Brian Mulroney, Jim Balsillie and Gary Bettman going to court to protect their good names is a lot like going to a brothel to protect your virginity.

A court has given the Washington Redskins the right to use their name despite opposition from Native groups who say the name is an insult to them. This clears the way for the name of a potential NHL franchise in Ontario to be called the really really really white skins.

The lack of playoff hockey for Canadians along with the troubles Jim Balsillie has bringing a team to Ontario is the focus of a new reality TV show “Hockey Not in Canada”.

Despite only 100 people showing up for a Save the Coyotes rally the NHL was ecstatic saying actual paid attendance was well over 16,000.

The NHL says they have plans to move the Coyotes to Winnipeg ahead of Hamilton. Of course Honolulu Hawaii, Waco Texas and Acapulco Mexico are ahead of Winnipeg.

A report out from Washington said briefings on the war in Iraq for the President contained verses from the Bible. This is similar to verses found in most NFL playbooks advising them to go forth and multiply.

Michael Vick has been released to a half way house but the restrictions imposed will keep him on a short leash. About all he can do is sit around the house, walk to his probation officer and fetch his paper.

Roger Goddel has come out strongly against betting on NFL games and gave the chances of it becoming legal at best 2:1 odds.

Michael Phelps says he wants to compete in more events in the future but as of now it is only a pipe dream.

Mediation talks between the NHL and representatives from the Phoenix Coyotes took a strange turn when the mediator suggested potential owner Jim Balsillie just fly the 100 hardcore Phoenix fans to Hamilton for each game.

The Frenchmen in charge of the International Swimming Federation have rejected over 40% of the designs of competitive swim suits. They demanded manufacturers make changes to the suits and have them modeled at a later date preferably by women from the SI Swimsuit Edition.

Officials say they are contemplating extreme changes to swimsuits including banning zippers, less permeable fabric and outlawing Quebec tourists from wearing Speedos while watching beach volleyball.

Top 3 reasons to watch TSN2

# 3 Twice as many Toronto losses in prime time

# 2 Constant updates from TSN1

# 1 You can’t remember when to hold them or fold them

What are the chances of Michael Vick getting a show on Spike TV?

Cultural differences were in evidence this week when an English politician resigned over reports he used taxpayer money to clean his moat while NHL owners who receive millions in taxpayer support applauded Commissioner Gary Bettman for trying to erect one around the Phoenix Coyotes.

The NHL is still claiming they have additional suitors for the Phoenix Coyotes and still haven’t met with all the referrals from Match.com.

Stroke Play!

A new drug has been developed that has been shown to help increase memory functions of mice. The drug is said to be successful except the mice still refuse to admit they were injected by their trainers.

Michael Phelps was in the news when a stripper said she had a 3- some with Phelps and another woman that lasted over 3 hours. Asked to comment his coach said he was happy that Michael was finally devoting some time to improving his stroke.

Kentucky Derby winner Mine that Bird must have felt jilted when the jockey that rode him to victory flipped him the bird for another mount in the Preakness.

A member of the International Olympic Committee is being investigated for taking kickbacks from marketing deals with the IIHF. Asked to comment IOC officials were stunned saying they had no idea anyone in their organization worked for their bribes.

After being caught taking female fertility drugs Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez was saddened by his suspension but said he will be back in time for the season’s second trimester.

This is May sweeps week for TV shows with the season finale of House, Lost and Hockey Night in Canada.

Miss California defended herself against allegations she knowingly had topless pictures of herself taken saying the wind was to blame and vowed never to pose in the right field of Yankee Stadium again.

Sean Avery has been hired by the NHL radio network to give his opinions on the playoffs. This is an attempt to give Avery a forum and at the same time pay for part of his anger management program.

It is hoped the stuff coming out of Avery’s mouth will be drowned out by all the other idiot shock jocks on the air.

The Phoenix Coyotes are having a rally to support keeping their team and as in a clever marketing hook are trying to see if they can break the record for the most people in a phone booth.

New NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith has finally signed his contract and says the delay was due to discrepancies in his B sample signature.

The NHL has determined Carolina Panthers forward Scott Walker didn’t deserve a suspension for his sucker punch on Boston Bruins defenseman Aaron Ward. They say after reviewing the tapes with officials from the RCMP it was possible a stapler was involved.
Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke is trying desperately to trade up in the draft to get John Taverres saying no player is untouchable especially the ones who didn’t get touched all of last year.

The girlfriend of Dallas Mavericks star Dirk Nowitzki who is under arrest for services fraud has been linked to other professional athletes. Former Dallas Star forward Sean Avery is being questioned to see if she was one of his exes.

Top 3 least popular Mothers Day gifts
# 3 Court side seats with Mark Cuban
# 2 A conjical visit with Travis Henry
# 1 Being introduced to your daughters new fiancée Sean Avery

I thought they had outlawed torture in Washington but I guess nobody told the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Got Milk?

With Terrell Owens leaving the Dallas Cowboys who would have thought it would be another blow hard bringing down their practice?

You know your Stanley Cup playoff mustache is a bit lean when you go out and everyone asks “Got Milk”?

US lawmakers spent Friday demanding College Football adopt a playoff system saying this will clear up any problems currently affecting the United States.

As a nod to the swine flu epidemic congress admitted this was the second worse pigskin related tragedy of the year after their hearings on BCS playoffs.

Gary Bettman says he can’t see the Phoenix Coyotes moving anytime soon saying he has to wait until the housing market bounces back so he can recover his condo investment.

Jim Balsille says he will pay $225 million for the bankrupt Coyotes or roughly the cost of anti depressants needed for Bettman.

Scientists have created an F-1 car that runs on chocolate and is capable of speeds up to 235 kph. The only problem is the car gains weight every time it consumes a tank.

Hollywood has been quick to react to the chocolate powered car with a new show on converting your car called “Pimple my ride”.

Not sure who has the bigger claws Gary Bettman or Wolverine.

This must be a weekend for time warps with Star Trek re-writing their history or the NHL reinventing their franchise rules.

On Tuesday the NHL denies they are in control of the Phoenix Coyotes yet on Thursday they say the club can’t be put into receivership because they are in control. Listening to Bettman you wonder how lawyers ever got their bad name.

Bettman says he was only an hour away from an agreement that would have paid all the Coyotes debt and kept the team in Phoenix. He later went on to say he was especially sorry for the children as he planned to unveil a live Unicorn at the press conference.

Top 5 signs you may not get an NHL franchise
# 5 You’re Canadian
# 4 You increased the NHL’s Blackberry contract price
# 3 You have millions of fans who would actually pay to watch a game
# 2 There is ice in winter where you live
# 1 You texted the Commissioner a shot of your butt

The European Union has banned the sale of seal products saying they are dispatched cruelly which is also the reason LA Clipper games aren’t televised.

Bank on it!

GM is running a new ad asking people to buy their cars while promising to have a really good one, the Volt, available in 2010. GM says they came up with the idea when an executive received his invoice for Toronto Maple Leafs season tickets.

It seemed fitting that Detroit would pay millions for an unproven player that might make a difference in a few years. After the draft fans of the Lions sent a petition to President Obama asking him to sack the teams CEO.

You know you have the next great lineman when he is listed on Google Earth.

Soccer star David Beckham has been named the richest athlete in the UK and has inspired a new movie “Bank it like Beckham”.

Mexico is in the grips of a very serious outbreak of swine flu and I feel embarrassed because I thought swine flu was when you got sick of athletes hamming it up in front of the camera.

A lawyer for the IOC says if a judge rules female ski jumpers must be allowed to compete in the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver Canada will never again host the Games, thus saving taxpayers millions.

In what had to be an omen a construction site near the Saddledome in Calgary became a sinkhole prior to Saturdays game with the Blackhawks.

The Canadian tumbling team had its best ever International results with the coach crediting their performance on following the Montreal Canadians from the All Star break on.

For his 100th birthday Arthur Giddon became the batboy for the Boston Red Sox. Mr. Giddon is looking forward to next year as he will play the point on the Red Wings power play.

The American team at the World Hockey Championships were given a scare when underdog Latvia nearly pulled off the upset giving coach Ron Wilson the feeling of being at home.

Being from Saskatchewan I can relate to Winnipeg Blue Bombers coach Mike Kelly calling my Province the crotch of Canada and looking at my map I see Manitoba is right behind us.

A Slovakian hockey player has been charged with murder after allegedly killed a referee and buried his body in a park. Asked why he did the act the defendant was unrepentant saying deep down referees are good people.

The NFL is denying they are having trouble attracting sponsors despite having to run informercials for “Sham Wow” during their televised draft saying the product in invaluable to help the new multi-millionaires polish their Porches.

The Alberta Government is taking heat over the increase in wait times to get into Emergency wards but a spokesman says now that the Flames season is over they expect to see a lot less traffic.

Native leaders visiting the Pope this week were surprised at his understanding of their plight with him expressing regret for the Residential Schools, concern over housing conditions and support for the Blackhawks in the playoffs.

Officials in the US are advising citizens to avoid large crowds during the swine flu scare and are suggesting they stay home or stick to sparsely populated areas like the Yankee box seats.

Chinese officials say blood samples re-tested from the Beijing Olympics have come back positive on some medal winners. Olympic officials say the problem was due to the inability of testers to get the lead out.

The NHL has loaned money to the Phoenix Coyotes in keeping with Commissioner Gary Bettmans “no owner left behind” program. Bettman insists the franchise is still viable and hopes next year the players will understand the need to sell ice in a desert when they take an expected 99% claw back on their salaries.

Top 3 spectator souvenirs from the last weekend in sports
# 3 NASCAR driver Carl Edwards tailpipe
# 2 NY Rangers coach John Tortella’s water bottle
# 1 The Calgary Flames salary cap

A new restaurant has opened that is run by former convicts called Felony Franks. Asked to comment former Atlanta Falcons QB Michael Vick said “hot dog”.

A way too active stick!

The Toronto Argonauts are upset with Rogers Communication asking for more NFL games saying they had a “Gentleman’s agreement” to limit the number to 8. When asked about this Rogers said it was more of a “Gentleman’s Club” agreement where it was understood they will try to strip every dollar from gullible fans.

If the NY Jets are going to change the start time of a game to allow people to be at home in time for the Jewish day of atonement, shouldn’t the Maple Leafs start playing now to make up for last year?

Roger Millions of Sportsnet was caught on tape accidentally uttering a beauty of a curse after messing up a segment. The clip was viewed over 45,000 times on YouTube or roughly the same number of people who watched Sportsnet all of last year.

I’m a little confused over the new terms being bandied about during the NHL playoffs as I thought an active stick is what got Travis Henry into so much trouble.

The US is asking Canada to send them some F-16 Fighters but there is some resistance as the last time we sent them some Jets they never came back to Winnipeg.

Some people were questioning Sean Avery chirping at Washington goalie Simeon Varlamov because he doesn’t speak English but ask any Psychiatrist and they will tell you crazy is a universal language.

Calgary and Chicago celebrated Earth Day with each team suggesting the other take a hike, jump in a lake or consume some naturally occurring fertilizer.

Michael Phelps says he will unveil a new freestyle stroke at the next meet. Phelps says he saw how to get extra reach in the move when he was passing the bong over the head of some dudes to a really hot blond.

You know the hockey fans of Montreal were dejected when after their playoff defeat to Boston they didn’t even have the heart left to burn and pillage the streets.

Top 5 worst trash talk lines
# 5 Your eyes look so blue with that helmet
# 4 Mom says she loves me more
# 3 Your carpet doesn’t match your drapes
# 2 You couldn’t even get a decent job with Vogue
# 1 Oh Yeah?

TSN wants you!

Top 5 signs TSN wants you for their NHL playoff panel
# 5 As GM your last 1st round pick finished 2nd in scoring for the Molson Muscle of the Toronto Beer League
# 4 As a coach you watched over 200 playoff games, most in High Definition
# 3 As a GM you found a way to go over the salary cap before there was one and still miss the playoffs
# 2 As a player you defined the terms goon, healthy scratch and sieve
# 1 Your haircut looks better than Pierre McGuire

Former NY Knicks coach Isaiah Thomas has landed a job with Florida International College. The contract is for 5 years and includes a base salary, incentives and freshman assistants that can’t spell harassment.

TSN (Toronto Sports Network) will broadcast the Flames/Blackhawks playoff round after getting the third choice after CBC. When asked what it would be like to broadcast a Canadian team for the first time officials with the network were stunned saying they didn’t know Canada had purchased Chicago.

Leafs GM Brian Burke says he wants to win and have a parade to which forward Juri Thirsti added “and I would be proud to lead it”.

This relationship had a shot!

A woman recently went to hospital and found she had a bullet in her head for 12 years and when asked about it said she always knew her relationship with Plaxico Burris had a shot to succeed.

Tough viewing choice on Sunday, do I watch the old men compete for the world curling championship or the old fat men compete for golf`s biggest prize?

I guess it was fitting Angel Cabrera won the Masters on Easter Sunday as it was obvious he got up early to finish off the chocolate eggs.

Sprinter Usain Bolt said “when you are a child in Jamaica you learn how to roll a joint” which is part of the Governments “No leaf left behind program”.

With Bolt and Michael Phelps getting caught up in smoking pot the cloud hanging over the coming world championships won’t be one of suspicion.

Due to salary cap restrictions the Calgary Flames were forced to play the last 3 games with 15 instead of 18 skaters. The worst part according to team officials was they lost out on the extra air miles.

Toronto Maple Leafs coach Ron Wilson says the team will be worse next year and won’t start competing until sometime in 2011. Asked to comment Leaf fans agreed noting this was when his contract was due to expire.

Chris Bosh took the microphone during the last game of the year for the Raptors and when asked if the team would get better passed the question to Ron Wilson.

Despite only losing 5 games this year the coach of the Canadian women’s Olympic hockey team says she should quit because it’s all about winning. Asked to comment Ron Wilson called her a loser.

The Toronto Blue Jays got off to a 5-1 start the best they have done in over 10 years. Asked if they could keep up the pace team officials referred the question to Ron Wilson.

English football team Chelsea says manager Guus Hiddink won't be returning to the club next season despite doing a "great job," and staying near the top of the league standings. Asked to comment Ron Wilson said the English are nuts.

The USA has named Ron Wilson as the coach for the 2010 Olympic hockey team. Wilson says he doesn’t expect much from the team but they will really suck in 2014.


Former Detroit Tigers pitcher Mark (The Bird) Fidrych was found dead on his farm this week. Officials say the death appears to be accidental but as of yet have not ruled out fowl play.

The NHL held their annual lottery with the Tampa Bay Lightening considering trading their selection for a few Lotto 649 tickets.

NY Yankees Alex Rodriguez began workouts to rehabilitate his hip and team officials hope he will be in mid-April condition in time for October.

The price for the Buffalo Bills tickets in Toronto has been released and they are much lower than last year. Officials with Rogers Communication who have the rights to the game say this is a result of the recession, poor demand last year and the sudden realization they got stiffed.

Rogers say the tickets will be delivered to purchasers and ask they wait at home to get them sometime between 9:00 AM – 5:00PM.

The Toronto Rock were eliminated from playoff contention earlier this week as per their contract to be a professional team in Toronto.

The Toronto Marlies say ticket sales for the upcoming playoffs are slow with and most people who call have the same question “Is this an April Fools prank?”

The Argos, Leafs, Raptors, Rock and Blue Jays all missed out on the playoffs the past year. Officials with the City are worried they may not retain their World Class designation and are now going to hand out participation medals.


The NHL has decided to play the next outdoor game at Fenway Park in Boston and as a nod to the Red Sox will allow Jason Bay to play goal.

The Government of Saskatchewan is looking into options for the aging Mosaic field in Regina. Plans are to upgrade the stadium or move it to a larger population of people from Saskatchewan, like Calgary.

French drug testing official were suspicious when Lance Armstrong made them wait for 20 minutes while he showered and it wasn’t even Saturday.

Former NFL player Michael Vick has been returned to prison despite saying he has not finished his bankruptcy proceedings because his dog ate the paperwork.

The Government of Alberta has raised taxes on liquor saying they might be able to balance the budget if Oilers fans will cooperate and drown their sorrows.

Canada has moved up to 89th in the world rankings for FIFA keeping us in line to challenge Zambia for a Top 80 ranking.

The Calgary Flames had to play with 16 forwards because injuries put them against the Salary Cap. The bad news was they were down 2 skaters, the good news is the players out improved their + and – stats. The problem started when they traded for 2 expensive players at the deadline, just another reason Alberta is against a Cap and Trade policy.

April Fools...

Robyn Regehr of the Calgary Flames has endorsed the use of environmentally friendly diapers which is handy since fans of the team are crapping themselves over their play of late.

Former tennis star John McEnroe was hustled out of over $3 million in an art scam. You would think of all people he could see a phony racquet with strings attached.

Top 5 NHL April Fools Headlines
# 5 Leafs win!
# 4 Sean Avery stunner “I re-designed the nurses uniforms while in rehab”.
# 3 Gary Bettman confesses he likes Sunbelt teams because he hates winter
# 2 Sources reveal Brian Burke used Ron Lowe as a reference for Leafs job
# 1 Parti Québécois say speaking French not important to coach the Montreal Canadians

Fans in Alberta are more concerned about the lame duck coaching the Oilers than the dead ducks coated in oil.

Canadian Olympic officials have reached an agreement with the IOC on the logo for the hockey jerseys at the 2010 Games. The new logo acknowledges both Canada and the Olympic movement with a picture of a beaver cutting down a tree to make paper which is converted into money to be thrown at IOC officials.

The CFL trading season is in full swing with players being sent to teams for future considerations, IOU’s and a deposit on bottles to be drunk later.