My official acceptance of Tiger Woods apology,
First, thank you for not coming.
I too wanted no one questioning this apology and so I only invited close personal friends that would remain silent which is why no one attended.
I accept your apology to those close to you. My wives and children were nice people as well and I wish everyone would respect their privacy and not divulge where I am living. They too are innocent and I may owe alimony or support...
To my friends, family and sponsors, AA and others, I apologize for my jokes, shots and snide remarks and of course to you Tiger for being the butt of so many. As a male who has left my sexual health in the hands of professionals, I should have been more understanding.
I accept your apology for interrupting the PGA Event with your apology because I know it is important to return to sex therapy as quickly as possible. Most of the sex workers I know charge by the hour as well.
I accept your journey ahead will be long and hard and not just from the testimony of your numerous mistresses.
Until I lost my money, looks and hope I also succumbed to temptation though I have to admit your variety was world class. The ladies themselves may not have displayed any class but their size, looks and occupations showed your penchant for variety.
I accept your need for privacy in this difficult time. When I am with my sex worker the last thing I need is someone tapping on the windshield asking questions.
I accept your return to Buddhism and hope your flirtation with Bootyism was a brief hiccup in your spiritual growth.
I accept your apology and understand the pain and suffering you have inflicted on your mother. My mom has passed away but I know she wouldn’t have been caught dead sitting in the front row listening to me.
I accept your need to be away from your profession as you continue your journey of recovery. I too will no longer go to work but that is more of a result of the conditions of my mental disability. We may not have the same income and I find that really sad as it affects the quality and menu options I have at my disposal.
In closing I would like to again accept your apology Tiger and hope you will accept the apology I am offering regarding the jokes. If by some miracle I should be blessed enough to see you teeing off on the tour I will do my utmost to refrain from shouting “In the Hole!”
Friday, February 19, 2010
Bet he won't man
Mixed martial arts fans are giving Ontario Premier Dalton Mcguinty a hard time for not allowing the sport in the Province. Mcguinty says if fans want to see dirty, bare-knuckle bloodbaths they should watch question period
San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecomb signed a 2 year $23 million contract and said he hasn’t been so high since... well Tuesday
Tiger Woods says he will return to Buddhism after his failed attempt at Bootyism
NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman has hotly denied rumors he was recently in Winnipeg discussing the re-location of the Atlanta Thrashers saying he had never been to Saskatchewan other than on a bet.
Top 5 adjustments for recently traded NBA players
# 5 Getting used to groupies from a new conference
# 4 Your posse has to find a new ammo supplier
# 3 Disappointing new fans with your off court behaviour takes time
# 2 Removing and applying new tattoo’s very painful
# 1 Coming up with a new rap that rhymes with Minnesota Timberwolves
San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecomb signed a 2 year $23 million contract and said he hasn’t been so high since... well Tuesday
Tiger Woods says he will return to Buddhism after his failed attempt at Bootyism
NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman has hotly denied rumors he was recently in Winnipeg discussing the re-location of the Atlanta Thrashers saying he had never been to Saskatchewan other than on a bet.
Top 5 adjustments for recently traded NBA players
# 5 Getting used to groupies from a new conference
# 4 Your posse has to find a new ammo supplier
# 3 Disappointing new fans with your off court behaviour takes time
# 2 Removing and applying new tattoo’s very painful
# 1 Coming up with a new rap that rhymes with Minnesota Timberwolves
Olympic Yuks Column 7
The suits wore by the speed skaters have fabric that is dimpled like a golf ball to improve wind resistance which means with my thighs I should be able to set world records
The high performance clothing aspect of men’s figure skating is evident as most of the contestants have tested their lace and sequins in a wind tunnel
I was watching a commercial for McDonalds and wonder if the athletes use a food tasting double for the close ups of them eating McGarbage
In a nod to the Olympics Tiger Woods decided to have his press conference during the Games to talk about his broad jumping
Gary Bettman is doubtful the NHL will support Olympic hockey in the future citing business reasons so now we all know it’s a small world after all
Scientists are again defending the hockey stick graph indicating there is an increase of global warming pointing to the meltdown of both Canada and Russia in Olympic men’s hockey
The high performance clothing aspect of men’s figure skating is evident as most of the contestants have tested their lace and sequins in a wind tunnel
I was watching a commercial for McDonalds and wonder if the athletes use a food tasting double for the close ups of them eating McGarbage
In a nod to the Olympics Tiger Woods decided to have his press conference during the Games to talk about his broad jumping
Gary Bettman is doubtful the NHL will support Olympic hockey in the future citing business reasons so now we all know it’s a small world after all
Scientists are again defending the hockey stick graph indicating there is an increase of global warming pointing to the meltdown of both Canada and Russia in Olympic men’s hockey
Olympic Yuks Column 6
Vanoc says this Olympics will leave no footprint which is not surprising since no one is allowed on the mountains to see the events
The Official Languages Commission will look into the gold medal ceremony yesterday when it was reported Canadian Maelle Ricker while on the podium mouthed O Canada in English only
As a way of keeping current Olympic officials are considering altering the Nordic combined to include skiing and tazering
With dangerous course conditions Canadian Georgia Simmerling was pulled from the start of the women’s downhill yesterday although the rest of the team was deemed expendable
Alberta House is a big hit at the Vancouver Games but only after scientist from the University of Calgary developed a carbon neutral flatulence free beef burger
I don’t know why they call the snowboard event half-pipe because I’m pretty sure I would need a full one to attempt it
It is a toss-up as to what is smoother... the curling ice or the skin on Team Switzerland both men and women... whereas mine looks more like a moguls event
The Official Languages Commission will look into the gold medal ceremony yesterday when it was reported Canadian Maelle Ricker while on the podium mouthed O Canada in English only
As a way of keeping current Olympic officials are considering altering the Nordic combined to include skiing and tazering
With dangerous course conditions Canadian Georgia Simmerling was pulled from the start of the women’s downhill yesterday although the rest of the team was deemed expendable
Alberta House is a big hit at the Vancouver Games but only after scientist from the University of Calgary developed a carbon neutral flatulence free beef burger
I don’t know why they call the snowboard event half-pipe because I’m pretty sure I would need a full one to attempt it
It is a toss-up as to what is smoother... the curling ice or the skin on Team Switzerland both men and women... whereas mine looks more like a moguls event
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Olympic Yuks day 5
I know Vanoc is having problems with the Olympia ice resurfacing machine which is touted as the most environmentally friendly one on earth, but I was surprised when David Suzuki demanded they switch to a Zamboni from Calgary which is powered by the Alberta oil sands.
The GF and I dropped the gloves to see if we watched figure skating or men’s hockey on Tuesday and it wasn’t even close but I’m pretty sure she didn’t tie down her sweater
Top 5 reasons David Letterman is slamming Canada’s Olympic Winter Games
# 5 Still mad Canadian Paul Shaeffer is the known as the talented one
# 4 The gap in his teeth froze over
# 3 Dick Assman from Regina won’t return his calls
# 2 He is getting beat in the ratings by Lloyd Robertson
# 1 His Canadian intern gave him the cold shoulder
In an effort to stop Canadian commentators from saying they are wearing clown pants the Norway men’s curling team is going to quit coming to games in one car
The tabloid media is having a field day criticizing the Vancouver Games. The death of an athlete, the weather, the security and lack of reasonably priced hookers head the grievances. Instead of refusing admittance to spectators in areas where the ground is flooded why not let the reporters take it? They would feel at home wallowing in the mud.
Is the politically correct term for the gay and lesbian centre at the Olympics the bi-athlete range?
From Steele Duncan
There was a major update in men’s curling today when for one brief moment the crowd was excited.
The GF and I dropped the gloves to see if we watched figure skating or men’s hockey on Tuesday and it wasn’t even close but I’m pretty sure she didn’t tie down her sweater
Top 5 reasons David Letterman is slamming Canada’s Olympic Winter Games
# 5 Still mad Canadian Paul Shaeffer is the known as the talented one
# 4 The gap in his teeth froze over
# 3 Dick Assman from Regina won’t return his calls
# 2 He is getting beat in the ratings by Lloyd Robertson
# 1 His Canadian intern gave him the cold shoulder
In an effort to stop Canadian commentators from saying they are wearing clown pants the Norway men’s curling team is going to quit coming to games in one car
The tabloid media is having a field day criticizing the Vancouver Games. The death of an athlete, the weather, the security and lack of reasonably priced hookers head the grievances. Instead of refusing admittance to spectators in areas where the ground is flooded why not let the reporters take it? They would feel at home wallowing in the mud.
Is the politically correct term for the gay and lesbian centre at the Olympics the bi-athlete range?
From Steele Duncan
There was a major update in men’s curling today when for one brief moment the crowd was excited.
Olympic Yuks day 4
CTV kept mentioning the downhill skiers from Canada were taught by their grandfathers but maybe they should have ditched the wooden skis.
Canadian athletes say they feel like Superman in their new skin tight suits and they are helpful to Canadians as they can tell if the lucky loonie the athletes are carrying is head or tails.
The Swiss had a great day winning gold in the men’s downhill and cross country. Officials with the team credit their training, dedication and the pounds of Swiss chocolate they delivered to their competitors on Valentine’s Day.
Official Languages Commissioner Graham Frazer has blasted the lack of French content in the opening ceremony saying at no time was he able to buy poutine from the concession stands.
It has been reported Celine Dion was asked to participate but declined causing all Canadians to go “Merci”.
Not sure what is more exciting in Snowboard Cross the helmet cam or the hospital cam
The Royal Bank of Canada is a sponsor of Canadian snowboarders because nothing says radical and gnarly better than bankers.
The German pair’s figure skaters were a highlight for me as I have never seen what a gay Gladiator looked like.
From Steele Duncan
Curler Kevin Martin when asked to comment on the upcoming round robin said it shouldn’t be too hard and while he wished time would hurry it almost would be better to skip to the end and just rock out. It was later found that he was stoned.
Vincent Jay of France won gold in the biathlon, he has since been promoted to a colonel.
The German skeleton team have denied accusations of trying to use magnets to help their time. Investigates are unconvinced it was simply their “magnetic personalities.”
From Eva Pettinato
New Olympic slogan Higher Faster Stronger Weather Permitting
Trouble brewed again when Vanoc fashion police attacked Norway’s men’s curling teams pants with pinking shears. Police thought of using tear gas but the pants themselves made your eyes water
Canadian athletes say they feel like Superman in their new skin tight suits and they are helpful to Canadians as they can tell if the lucky loonie the athletes are carrying is head or tails.
The Swiss had a great day winning gold in the men’s downhill and cross country. Officials with the team credit their training, dedication and the pounds of Swiss chocolate they delivered to their competitors on Valentine’s Day.
Official Languages Commissioner Graham Frazer has blasted the lack of French content in the opening ceremony saying at no time was he able to buy poutine from the concession stands.
It has been reported Celine Dion was asked to participate but declined causing all Canadians to go “Merci”.
Not sure what is more exciting in Snowboard Cross the helmet cam or the hospital cam
The Royal Bank of Canada is a sponsor of Canadian snowboarders because nothing says radical and gnarly better than bankers.
The German pair’s figure skaters were a highlight for me as I have never seen what a gay Gladiator looked like.
From Steele Duncan
Curler Kevin Martin when asked to comment on the upcoming round robin said it shouldn’t be too hard and while he wished time would hurry it almost would be better to skip to the end and just rock out. It was later found that he was stoned.
Vincent Jay of France won gold in the biathlon, he has since been promoted to a colonel.
The German skeleton team have denied accusations of trying to use magnets to help their time. Investigates are unconvinced it was simply their “magnetic personalities.”
From Eva Pettinato
New Olympic slogan Higher Faster Stronger Weather Permitting
Trouble brewed again when Vanoc fashion police attacked Norway’s men’s curling teams pants with pinking shears. Police thought of using tear gas but the pants themselves made your eyes water
Monday, February 15, 2010
Olympic Yuks day 3
Top 5 Canadian reactions to winning a Gold medal
#5 What are moguls?
#4 I hope the other competitors don’t feel too bad
#3 I wonder if he knows Serge and Danielle from Montreal?
#2 Is he married?
#1 I hope he doesn’t let it go to his head
All 3 Team Canada goalies lost their last games before the Olympics or as scriptwriters call it foreshadowing.
Both Roberto Luongo and Martin Brodeur were pulled from their last games or as they called it getting a head start on the partying.
In order to capture some of the glory Canada Post is releasing a limited edition stamp to honour our 1st Gold medal on home soil. The stamp is a simple design and will take 32 years to deliver.
From Steele Duncan
Canada got it's first Gold metal hosting the Olympics today. The coaches are planning to improve the training regimes and will get another gold in just under 32 years this time.
Upon further review, officials have decided the Snowboard Cross event will not be scored on timing but rather how many bones you broke coming out of retirement for it.
In Pairs Skating Canada's Jessica Dubé and Bryce Davison are still going strong after Davidson's skate slashed Dubé's face and this year hope to go home with the gold metal or at least fifty more stitches.
From Patrick Lynch
France and Germany are currently neck and neck for 2nd place in the medal standings; Germany is expected to take a strong lead in the coming days, despite the IOC frowning on using Tanks and Dive Bombers in the cross country events.
Germany's Felix Loch has been touted as the "Michael Phelps of the Luge", which has led to frequent visits by the Jamaican team to his residence.
Canada's Alexandre Bilodeau has become the first Canadian Olympian to win a gold medal on home soil, VANOC officials were quoted on Sunday in a statement which simply read: "Phew"
An exciting day of Figure skating in the pairs short program took place on Sunday, Canadian Olympic fans cheered and urged the competitors on, until someone noticed there was no puck.
Ireland's Winter Olympic contingent consists of the two Sisters Tamsen and Kirsty McGarry, looks like they managed to find the only two frigid girls in Ireland, and found a way to get them the feck out of the country.
#5 What are moguls?
#4 I hope the other competitors don’t feel too bad
#3 I wonder if he knows Serge and Danielle from Montreal?
#2 Is he married?
#1 I hope he doesn’t let it go to his head
All 3 Team Canada goalies lost their last games before the Olympics or as scriptwriters call it foreshadowing.
Both Roberto Luongo and Martin Brodeur were pulled from their last games or as they called it getting a head start on the partying.
In order to capture some of the glory Canada Post is releasing a limited edition stamp to honour our 1st Gold medal on home soil. The stamp is a simple design and will take 32 years to deliver.
From Steele Duncan
Canada got it's first Gold metal hosting the Olympics today. The coaches are planning to improve the training regimes and will get another gold in just under 32 years this time.
Upon further review, officials have decided the Snowboard Cross event will not be scored on timing but rather how many bones you broke coming out of retirement for it.
In Pairs Skating Canada's Jessica Dubé and Bryce Davison are still going strong after Davidson's skate slashed Dubé's face and this year hope to go home with the gold metal or at least fifty more stitches.
From Patrick Lynch
France and Germany are currently neck and neck for 2nd place in the medal standings; Germany is expected to take a strong lead in the coming days, despite the IOC frowning on using Tanks and Dive Bombers in the cross country events.
Germany's Felix Loch has been touted as the "Michael Phelps of the Luge", which has led to frequent visits by the Jamaican team to his residence.
Canada's Alexandre Bilodeau has become the first Canadian Olympian to win a gold medal on home soil, VANOC officials were quoted on Sunday in a statement which simply read: "Phew"
An exciting day of Figure skating in the pairs short program took place on Sunday, Canadian Olympic fans cheered and urged the competitors on, until someone noticed there was no puck.
Ireland's Winter Olympic contingent consists of the two Sisters Tamsen and Kirsty McGarry, looks like they managed to find the only two frigid girls in Ireland, and found a way to get them the feck out of the country.
Olympic Yuks day 2
Instead of Own the Podium maybe the slogan should have been groan... the podium...we have to stand at the podium while some other country gets to hear their anthem... groan...
Canadian announcers are having a rough start... they have the look you get when someone catches you peeing... everything was going so good...
The politically correct commercials are gold media productions depicting the diversity of our great land by spotlighting losing athletes from the many cultures and regions that make up Canada...
The lack of Gold medals on Day 1 affects us all. I sure hope Lloyd Robertson doesn’t have to stay up past 10:00 PM EST again...
Now that the hype has passed can we admit it? No matter how careful we Canadians were... the chant would come across on YouTube if Jennifer won the gold in moguls as Heil... Heil... Heil... that... coupled with the tar sands... would label us as Nazi fossils...
Most women agree Italy won the gold for the Olympic ceremony... mostly because they worship Gucci...
The crowd for the moguls was forced to wait for hours in the freezing rain to attend a 4 hour event standing in hurricane force winds without any refreshment... it wasn’t so much a crowd as paying hostages
After masked protesters broke windows in the downtown officials quickly promised to stop serving Canadian beer to the Olympic Family and go with the weaker American brands...
The media focused on the lack of training for athletes at the luge run which gave Canadians a home field advantage and with consistent top 20 finishes we should feel a bit ashamed...
Vancouver has been rocked with news Starbucks will protest the Alberta oil sands during the Olympics by refusing to use fuel from the sands in the grinding of their coffee beans.
Hawaii is considering making a bid for the Winter Olympics saying that until the Vancouver Games they thought you had to have snow to enter
Top 5 highlights of the Vancouver Olympics
# 5 Rain sometimes turned into freezing rain
# 4 Coconuts take forever to ripen
# 3 Residents starting a new trend with their down filled shorts
# 2 Protesters find the rain washes away tear gas quickly
# 1 The 1st time ever a winter Olympics is forced to endure a rain delay
The Olympic broadcast team has left no stone unturned in their search for stories about the athletes. Yesterday saw Brian Williams discuss the finer points of bed work with
Vancouver Olympic officials are kicking themselves after finding out the natives at the opening ceremony were doing a rain dance.
Canadian announcers are having a rough start... they have the look you get when someone catches you peeing... everything was going so good...
The politically correct commercials are gold media productions depicting the diversity of our great land by spotlighting losing athletes from the many cultures and regions that make up Canada...
The lack of Gold medals on Day 1 affects us all. I sure hope Lloyd Robertson doesn’t have to stay up past 10:00 PM EST again...
Now that the hype has passed can we admit it? No matter how careful we Canadians were... the chant would come across on YouTube if Jennifer won the gold in moguls as Heil... Heil... Heil... that... coupled with the tar sands... would label us as Nazi fossils...
Most women agree Italy won the gold for the Olympic ceremony... mostly because they worship Gucci...
The crowd for the moguls was forced to wait for hours in the freezing rain to attend a 4 hour event standing in hurricane force winds without any refreshment... it wasn’t so much a crowd as paying hostages
After masked protesters broke windows in the downtown officials quickly promised to stop serving Canadian beer to the Olympic Family and go with the weaker American brands...
The media focused on the lack of training for athletes at the luge run which gave Canadians a home field advantage and with consistent top 20 finishes we should feel a bit ashamed...
Vancouver has been rocked with news Starbucks will protest the Alberta oil sands during the Olympics by refusing to use fuel from the sands in the grinding of their coffee beans.
Hawaii is considering making a bid for the Winter Olympics saying that until the Vancouver Games they thought you had to have snow to enter
Top 5 highlights of the Vancouver Olympics
# 5 Rain sometimes turned into freezing rain
# 4 Coconuts take forever to ripen
# 3 Residents starting a new trend with their down filled shorts
# 2 Protesters find the rain washes away tear gas quickly
# 1 The 1st time ever a winter Olympics is forced to endure a rain delay
The Olympic broadcast team has left no stone unturned in their search for stories about the athletes. Yesterday saw Brian Williams discuss the finer points of bed work with
Vancouver Olympic officials are kicking themselves after finding out the natives at the opening ceremony were doing a rain dance.
Olympic Yuks day 1
Men’s Olympic ski jumping kicked off the Games today with competitors hoping to jump a distance greater than the hurdles the women’s team failed to overcome
The heating system in the Olympic Village is partly heated from sewage waste which gives new meaning to having a warm place to take a load off.
The system was not operating at full capacity until the politicians and Olympic family showed up. Now there is more BS that they can process.
Bill Clinton is recovering from heart surgery with his aides saying he never should have been allowed to look at the Sports Illustrated Olympic issue as there was too much spandex.
The VIP box was suspiciously empty at the start of the Opening Ceremonies with officials blaming their absence on, missed connections, travel fatigue and the time it takes to acclimatize to BC Bud.
The empty seats were later attributed to native leaders arriving late which caused every Canadian who has ever attended a Pow Wow to smile knowingly.
The Algerian team came into the ceremony with 1 athlete and 4 officials or as rappers called it an acceptable entourage.
It’s easy to spot the countries that are run by a dictatorship they’re the ones that start with “The Democratic Republic of...”
It must have been a cultural thing but I was confused by the 1 finger salute the Mongolian female skier gave Vancouver PETA representatives as she walked by wearing her fur hat.
If the IOC had tested the native dancers for banned stimulants they probably wouldn’t have made it through the whole ceremony
Wonder if there was more fiddling going on during the opening ceremonies or at the after party
Even now I dream of being a part of the Olympic opening ceremony but all I can aspire to be is the boring old white guy that thanks the sponsors...
In fairness to all the other performers maybe the IOC should have tested KD Lang for female hormones
Standing in reverence to hear the Olympic Hymn was OK but I thought asking the audience to join in the singing of God Save Jacques Rogge was a bit much
The Olympic Ceremony is the ultimate chick flick with the songs, the fashion and at the end the women go to sleep carrying a torch for someone
After all the hype the lighting of the Olympic Torch was botched because someone from the hydraulics team made a Timmies run at the wrong time
It was good to see the homeless of Vancouver included in the ceremony when Gretzky gave the guy a light for his cigarette from the torch
Top 5 signs it is Valentine’s Day at the Olympics
# 5 Chocolate is the performance enhancing drug of choice
# 4 Cupid take a spin around the biathlon track
# 3 Female athletes try on their wind resistant lingerie
# 2 Diamond industry unveils its new slogan “If you want her to believe try 5 diamond rings”
#1 Athletes send cards to gold medals saying please be mine
The heating system in the Olympic Village is partly heated from sewage waste which gives new meaning to having a warm place to take a load off.
The system was not operating at full capacity until the politicians and Olympic family showed up. Now there is more BS that they can process.
Bill Clinton is recovering from heart surgery with his aides saying he never should have been allowed to look at the Sports Illustrated Olympic issue as there was too much spandex.
The VIP box was suspiciously empty at the start of the Opening Ceremonies with officials blaming their absence on, missed connections, travel fatigue and the time it takes to acclimatize to BC Bud.
The empty seats were later attributed to native leaders arriving late which caused every Canadian who has ever attended a Pow Wow to smile knowingly.
The Algerian team came into the ceremony with 1 athlete and 4 officials or as rappers called it an acceptable entourage.
It’s easy to spot the countries that are run by a dictatorship they’re the ones that start with “The Democratic Republic of...”
It must have been a cultural thing but I was confused by the 1 finger salute the Mongolian female skier gave Vancouver PETA representatives as she walked by wearing her fur hat.
If the IOC had tested the native dancers for banned stimulants they probably wouldn’t have made it through the whole ceremony
Wonder if there was more fiddling going on during the opening ceremonies or at the after party
Even now I dream of being a part of the Olympic opening ceremony but all I can aspire to be is the boring old white guy that thanks the sponsors...
In fairness to all the other performers maybe the IOC should have tested KD Lang for female hormones
Standing in reverence to hear the Olympic Hymn was OK but I thought asking the audience to join in the singing of God Save Jacques Rogge was a bit much
The Olympic Ceremony is the ultimate chick flick with the songs, the fashion and at the end the women go to sleep carrying a torch for someone
After all the hype the lighting of the Olympic Torch was botched because someone from the hydraulics team made a Timmies run at the wrong time
It was good to see the homeless of Vancouver included in the ceremony when Gretzky gave the guy a light for his cigarette from the torch
Top 5 signs it is Valentine’s Day at the Olympics
# 5 Chocolate is the performance enhancing drug of choice
# 4 Cupid take a spin around the biathlon track
# 3 Female athletes try on their wind resistant lingerie
# 2 Diamond industry unveils its new slogan “If you want her to believe try 5 diamond rings”
#1 Athletes send cards to gold medals saying please be mine
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