July 28

Republic of Hungary to vote on Siesta

Most North Americans are not familiar with the concept of a siesta as the word was originally spelled soccer.


Canadian Basketball Coach pleads with Steve Nash to compete in Olympic Trials

Saying he does not want to put any pressure on him, coach Leo Rautins still refuses to give Steve the negatives from his early years claiming they have sentimental value.


Scandals continue to hurt image of Tour de France

Suspensions to some of the leading riders at this years Tour have had an effect on the fan base with supporters such as Al Gore now taking his SUV to the store instead of his bike.


Barry Bonds slings mud at Broadcaster

By calling Bob Costas a midget the Bonds sideshow has now officially become a 3 ring circus.


Curt Schilling pitches 5 scoreless innings in second minor league start

Asked to comment Schilling said he hope his rehab stint is more productive than Lindsay Lohans or Brittany Spears.


Sumo Wrestler in trouble after missing tour

Mongolian Sumo champ Asashoryu faked injuries to avoid a promotional tour and was discovered at home playing soccer with his son. This is the first time an athlete has resigned from something and actually did spend time with his family. Charges are pending.


Cat at Florida nursing home cuddles up to dying patients

The only cat more comfortable around loss is the Hamilton Tiger Cats mascot.

Sport Headlines July 26 2007

Edmonton Oilers make a run at Anaheim Ducks player

By making a $21.5 million 4 year offer for Dustin Penner Kevin Lowe has served notice his perscription needs to be refilled. Asked to comment Daryl Katz the billionaire owner of Rexall Drugs who is interested in purchasing the Oilers said "maybe I shouldn't have given him a discount". This is the sporting equilivent of having your tires slashed by a jealous lover. The NHL is taking action by encouraging star players to stop the madness and just get married.

Canada wins Gold in Men’s Field Hockey

The last time so many Canadians tasted hockey victory on a field was during a reunion at the farm of the Sutter brothers. Field hockey is a lot like road hockey only you don’t have to yell”Car”!

Girlfriend says Alexei Yashin is a “God” in Russia

This may explain why he thinks he can walk on water but was reluctant playing on frozen ice. Teammates of Alexei claimed dyslexia when quoted as saying he would often dog it during the game.

The 10 Commandments of Alexei

#10 In cash I trust

# 9 Do onto models

# 8 Thou shall pay no free agent more than me

# 7 Honour your agent and PR Rep.

# 6 At $8.5 million a season I am a steal

# 5 In the days of prosperity be joyful but in the days of adversity be injured

#4 The wise GM weighs their words on a scale of gold

# 3 A team divided against itself usually includes me

# 2 Dwell not in Edmonton

# 1 Stop coveting my wife


Leader of the Tour de France sent home by Team

After failing to tell team officials where he was Tour de France leader Michael Rasmussen has been given the adult version of a grounding. After all the cheating and lying at this years event the only supporter of cycling left is David Suzuki.


Canadian Open starts on Thursday

Sandwiched between the British Open and PGA Championship the event has the feel you get when you are forced to attend your in-laws family reunion. Tournament organizers are still looking for a group to provide sponsorship and are said to be in talks with Jean Chrétien.


Toronto Blue Jays flex muscle in sweep of Twins

Losing by lopsided scores, being out hit and out played you would have thought it was a Calgary Stampeders road trip.

July 25 2007

Cincinnati Reds outfielder Ken Griffy Jr. was quoted taking shots at NASCAR saying “How hard can it be to turn left all the time”. A spokesperson for Lindsay Lohan wants Griffy to mind his own business.

I’m not sure Saskatchewan GM Eric Tillman is wrong but calling a fan who criticized his coach “a load of manure” may backfire on him.

I remember the good old days when the only Bonds who had to deal with an evil chemist was 007.

A man who was convicted of impersonating members of the Pittsburgh Steelers was given more jail time than most NFL players who were convicted of impersonating criminals.

Boise State running back Ian Johnson, who is black, and his fiance, Chrissy Popadics who is white have had death threats over their planned Monday wedding. Details of the threats have not been released but some say it is the work of bigots and other blame it on his last second play that beat Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl. Either way the increased security will ensure this is a shotgun wedding.

Cleveland Brown first round pick Brady Quinn is a training camp hold out saying he won’t report until he is selected higher in the draft.

By failing to score a goal in the Under 20 World Cup of Soccer Canadian officials are now wondering if it was a wise decision to use the trap.

After seeing pictures of Kimberly Bell the alleged mistress of Barry Bonds I can see he wasn’t the only one pumping up his body. This is a case where showing her curves can set the record straight. After the release of the article I’ll bet Barry’s home run trot is faster than his run home trot.

27 people were killed in bombings following a soccer match in Iraq a black day for sport in that country which will forever be remembered as Monday.

NHL hockey players and brothers Eric and Jordan Staal were detained by police after an incident at Eric’s bachelor party. Asked to comment Edmonton Oilers GM Kevin Lowe said “I try to tell star players that nothing good can come from being married”.

July 25 2007

Cincinnati Reds outfielder Ken Griffy Jr. was quoted taking shots at NASCAR saying “How hard can it be to turn left all the time”. This was quickly disputed as non-sense by Lindsay Lohan.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell’s command to Atlanta Falcons Michael Vick…”Stay”.

You have to know Goodell has trained animals before because after ordering Vick to stay he gave him his pre season salary as a treat.

Rocked by news of riders testing positive for blood transfusions the Tour de France is considering a name change to the IV League.

I was suspicious when the new entry to the Tour de France was called team Red Cross.

Watching spectators run alongside Tour de France riders wearing thongs, devil costumes and nothing, it’s hard to imagine it is the racers testing positive for drugs.

With the Tour de France drug scandal, NFL dog fighting disgrace, NBA refereeing outrage and Barry Bonds MLB circus yesterday was a black day for sports that will forever be known as Tuesday.

Houston Texans Ahman Green has paid a $50,000 down payment on a home for a low income mother in return for getting his number 30 from teammate Jason Simmons. Green will also pay $10,000 for his favorite locker, $25,000 for his choice seat on the bus and $ 30,000 for his lucky parking spot.

Rexall Drugs Billionaire Daryl Katz has promised to spend the maximum amount of the salary cap if his offer to purchase the Edmonton Oilers is accepted. He plans to do this by introducing a new drug that makes the free agents and their wives think they are in Oz.

Katz admits it will be tough to convince players to come to Edmonton but is hopeful the NHL will allow his purchase of a daily non-stop flight to California to count against the cap.

Wouldn’t it be ironic if NBA referee Tim Donaghy was to get off on a technical?

According to NBA commissioner David Stern the only betting referees are allowed to do is on horses. This explains why Donaghy was allowed to place bets on Point Shaver, Beat the Spread and Mafia Squeeze.

Headline: Formula 1’s Scott Speed Bumped

Citing tradition and history MLB commissioner Bud Selig says he will try to be in attendance when Barry Bonds hits the record breaking home run, weather permitting.

Mr. Selig says that citizens of the United States are innocent unless proven guilty or are connected to George Bush and are then innocent despite being proven guilty.

July 24 2007

Chris Simon signed a one year contract with the NY Islanders and GM Garth Snow said it was a clear cut decision to stick with him.

Toronto Blue Jays GM J.P. Ricciardi denies he’s a seller in the upcoming trade deadlines despite opening an E-Bay account with a picture of Troy Glaus and an opening bid of please!

Out of respect for indicted NBA referee Tim Donaghy and NBA quarterback Michael Vick A&W will no longer serve the whistle dog.

It seems Barry Bonds mistress bought an $80,000 house with money given to her from an autographing session which must have taken a lot of balls. Barry is denying the story saying be didn’t even get to first base with her.

Drew Carey has been named the new host of The Price is Right or as it is known in Canada the NHL free agency.

Jerome Ignila is a part of a group looking to buy the not for profit Jr. hockey team in Kamloops. Asked to comment NHL commissioner Gary Bettman said “I wish he would have talked to us about our non profits”.

I’m not saying the Champ Car Series Race at Edmonton was dull but there were more changes in the lead at the traffic jam to get the drivers back to the hotel.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has ordered Michael Vick to stay away from training camp although he hasn’t been convicted and is considering letting Pacman Jones attend even though he has been. I guess once bitten twice shy.

July 23 2007

In a nod to Harry Potter NBA commissioner David Stern has asked that referee Tim Donaghy forever be know as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Citing a lack of trick plays in their arsenal the Hamilton Tiger Cats are interested in a new offensive coordinator… Criss Angel.

Gary Bettman is denying reports he is trying to scuttle the bid of Jim Balsillie to purchase the Nashville Predators saying he hopes Jim will continue to make ridiculous bids in the future.

A huge celebrity bash was held before the first LA Galaxy gamed featuring David Beckham. According to sources inside the event more scoring was done at the party than on the field.

Went to a funeral the other day and had more fun than the San Francisco Giants. It is just me or does the whole atmosphere around Barry Bonds home run record remind you of a man trying to finish his Sudoku before he is hanged?

In an effort to be environmentally friendly golfers at the British Open were doing their slow burns using bio-diesel. Just once I would love to hear one of the players call links golf what it is, an excuse for not having to pay to water the fairway.

If you thought the Champ Car Classic race was something on Sunday you should have seen the drivers’ wives packing to leave Edmonton on Saturday.

Danica Patrick finished 2^nd in qualifying for the Mid-Ohio IRL race, 5^th in the actual race and still leads Hillary Clinton in the polls.