Sign of the times

It was a tough week for the US President and instead of celebrating his 50th birthday he was accused of having no spine, and being the 1st President to preside over a downgrade of the nation’s credit rating. Bond rating companies were a big part of the reason the last economic calamity occurred and they say when they say you have a lowered credibility it is like a Leafs fan calling you a loser.

Being lectured by Standards and Poor is like Tiger Woods former caddy making more money at a PGA tournament with another player than Tiger did as a player in the tournament, odd.

Health Canada has issued a warning about ingesting certain West Coast mussels saying they may induce vomiting. This is not to be confused with the feelings of nausea that many BC Lions fans are feeling despite a consensus the team lacks muscle.

The exploits of SEAL Team 6 were further heightened this week when a helicopter carrying 30 servicemen was shot down with a complete loss of life. The group included over 20 members of SEAL Team 6, which topped off a 3 month period where they successfully accomplished a Somali pirate rescue, celebrated the Bin Laden execution and had their SEAL Team 6 trademark registered to Disney pending a legal challenge. A spokesman for Disney was horrified at the news saying it would do nothing for lunchbox collectables.

It is hoped the legal hostility between Disney and SEAL Team 6 can find common ground during these difficult times. We believe the rumors of Disney’s involvement in the operation are just that because the US military has promised quick justice for the culprits. It wouldn’t look good to see Mickey Mouse on the Homeland Security most wanted poster or have to tell your little one they are taking Pluto to the “farm”.

New evidence recently uncovered show the CIA had Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau under surveillance. After the recent bout of deficit spending has brought the US to their financial knees we can only assume the US learned everything about Trudeau and his fiscal policies and were just slow in implementing them.

A researcher with the University of Saskatchewan has been awarded a prestigious grant to work on post traumatic shock disorder. The committee felt the choice of Regina for a location was a really fortunate coincidence as any breakthroughs in treatment for PTSD can help Rider fans deal with the losing season and shock of not being in contention.

Now is the time Riders to put your nose to the watermelon rindstone.

A new report out says people with an English accent are seen to be more authoritative and comforting. This explains the Riders hiring a new PR spokesman Oliver Twist.

Police in Newfoundland say a robbery at a drug store in Conception Bay South has led to the theft of thousands of pills. Police say many of the pills were contraceptives and are looking into possible connections between the theft and the start of NFL groupie training.

Montreal drivers are becoming nervous after a slab of a tunnel suddenly collapsed barely missing drivers. The accident is different from other infrastructure collapses in the Province like the falling apart of Olympic Stadium as people can’t avoid going to work like they stayed away from Expo games.

A Vancouver cardiologist has been suspended for three months after admitting to sending inappropriate text messages last fall. The review panel said although the texts were related to his profession sending “I (heart) you” to female patients was over the top.

Two Czech tourists jumped into an icy river in an attempt to escape with fossils from B.C.'s Burgess Shale Formation last week. Police are concerned this may be a trend as there have been reports of other fossils coming under attack, most notably Lions head coach Wally Buono.

A Vancouver man who bit off his girlfriend's nose after she refused to have sex with him has been sentenced to eight years for aggravated sexual assault. This seems like a case of biting off the nose to seal his fate.

A judge has hit several Greenpeace protesters with $2,000 fines for unfurling a banner off the Calgary Tower a year ago. As spokesman for Greenpeace was livid saying the protesters were just trying to raise a banner for Calgary and when the Flames do it there is cheering.

More than $130,000 in damage was caused by a fire that destroyed a number of golf carts at the Assiniboine Golf Club on Winnipeg's Ness Avenue Sunday morning. Club members say the course will re-open soon although golfers will experience a walk in the park.

Manitoba's fire commissioner has been fired after financial irregularities were found during a routine audit. Auditors became suspicious when expense reports were filed for shirts supposedly used during the annual fireman’s calendar photo shoot.

Winnipeg may have to forfeit its unofficial title as the mosquito capital of Canada after figures released Thursday show average mosquito counts in the city are the lowest in more than three decades. Tourism officials now say people are not coming to Winnipeg for the usual reasons.

A comment by Toronto Mayor Rob Ford suggesting advertising should be allowed inside school buildings is causing some controversy. Ford said it's ridiculous that school gymnasiums sit empty when they could be generating revenue. In an ironic turn the 1st advertisement to go up in a school was sponsored by Citizens against Rob Ford.

Putting advertisements for companies inside schools is all a part of Ford’s new Toronto which shifts responsibility for things like literacy and ethics to the private sector. Asked to comment Ford thought the idea was a step in a goodly direction.

Tough to tell which Playbook is getting a bigger overhaul, RIM’s Tablet or the Minnesota Vikings offense.

Tiger Woods is having a difficult time separating his personal life from his golf game. After a disappointing weekend of play Tiger was asked who would be holding his club for the PGA Championship and out of habit he said a blond.

Chad Ochocinco says he will stay with a fan at the start of the NFL season with his new team the New England Patriots. The idea is a publicity stunt whereas in the CFL it is known by a more technical term, the living allowance.

Los Angles has approved a new $1.2 billion stadium for the city with a hope they can acquire an NFL franchise by 2014 with the expected relocation of the team to Portland in late 2016.

Tiger Woods says he is having troubles with his grip leading to his new saying grip it you idiot. Funny, a good grip is what Tiger’s hookups say was the most charming thing about him.

There are reports Tiger Woods is looking to hire the caddy that was let go by Adam Scott when he hired the caddy Tiger let go. This is like a wife swap story except it was usually the wife who was left holding the new bag.

According to an insider when Alex Rodriguez was called by MLB to explain his poker games Alex asked “What’s the deal?”

The latest sponsor to flee from Tiger Woods is watch maker Tag Heuer who released a statement saying “It’s time”.

The Toronto Blue Jays have been accused of stealing signs at home leading to an abnormal number of home runs. A quick look at their record shows the sign they most often steal is the sign of surrender.