Tiger Woods won the athlete of the decade award and his spokesman in an attempt to put a positive spin on his current troubles said Tiger has nailed the Masters and to date no reported minors.
BMO field in Toronto has been deemed too small to play football in despite pleas from Argo officials that they rarely use the end zone anyway.
A doctor linked with Tiger Woods has been charged with being in possession of performance enhancing drugs. Who knew Viagra would be the next problem for Tiger?
After seeing the deal the Toronto Blue Jays got for Doc Holiday you have to wonder if they are taking advice from ex Argos coach Bart Andrus.
A doctor has blamed Don Cherry for causing concussions a claim vehemently denied by the CBC who say you are not supposed to watch Coaches Corner if you have a head injury.
The only people banging their heads on account of Cherry are fashion designers.
A group of people called Ice Edge has offered the NHL $140 million for the Phoenix Coyotes. The deal is conditional on approval from the NHL Board of Governors and a drug test for the Ice Edge CEO.
Bettman says there are many other individuals interested in purchasing the Coyotes although the number goes down when they are properly medicated.
Rogers Communications has won a court case with Bell Canada over advertising claims that Rogers is the “most reliable” network. Bell is still hoping they will win their suit over Rogers calling the Blue Jays a “professional” baseball team.
Recent finding have shown humans were in Europe earlier than first thought. They discovered this by studding teeth that prove beyond a shadow of a doubt they were English.
The climate conference in Copenhagen has come out in support of industrialized nations paying developing nations large amounts of money for sins of the past. They got the idea of subsidising hot weather areas by those from colder climates from the NHL.
A hoax at the climate conference saying Canada will agree to ridiculous reductions in emissions were said to be by the group the Yes Men or as they are known in North America the NHL Board of Governors.
A Japanese baseball pitcher called the Knuckleball Princess has been signed to play in the Arizona league. According to Red Sox Tim Wakefield she can really bring the heat with speeds of over 50 mph.
Top 5 signs you are violating the Olympic Trademark
# 5 Your product makes people higher, faster or stronger
# 4 Your torch lights up a whole neighbourhood
# 3 Company motto has Vancouver, Games or graft in it
# 2 People say your company is like a 5 ring circus
# 1 You’re making money and not sharing with your Olympic friends
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
5-A-Hole
Tough week for Tiger Woods as his wife is upset he is having affairs, black women are upset he is having affairs with white women and Adam Lambert says he owes him a kiss.
When Tiger went to Australia he received a $3 million appearance fee which he quickly paid to one of his hook-ups as a disappearance fee.
Oprah has made an offer to Tiger to clear the air on her show the 1st woman who wants him on a couch in a vertical position
After 54 years on air the Soap Opera “As the World Turns” has been cancelled. A spokesman says they just can’t compete with the story line Tiger is weaving
Mental health experts think Tiger may suffer from a rare form of sex addiction that causes men who are rich and powerful to act out. Most women say it’s just par for the course.
I asked my GF if I was a sex addict and she said I didn’t have enough money
Philadelphia Flyers goalie Ray Emery will have abdominal surgery which is weird because I thought it was Ottawa Senator fans that couldn’t stomach him
New York Islanders defenceman Brendan Witt was hit by a car just before a game in Philadelphia. The driver of the car says he was aiming for Islanders goalie Martin Biron to show his disgust at how he played for the Flyers last year but went through the 5-hole and got Brendan instead.
Hitachi has developed technology to identify people from the veins in their fingers, which is slightly different from Detroit Lions fans who are easily recognized by the veins in their forehead.
The technology is not new as most wives use the middle finger to identify when they have watched enough football
Police in Vancouver have seized a cache of ecstasy pills with the Olympic logo on them. Officials with the IOC were livid and immediately demanded a percentage from all the drugs.
The pills differ from the ones with the Toronto Maple Leaf logo on them which are called agony.
When Tiger went to Australia he received a $3 million appearance fee which he quickly paid to one of his hook-ups as a disappearance fee.
Oprah has made an offer to Tiger to clear the air on her show the 1st woman who wants him on a couch in a vertical position
After 54 years on air the Soap Opera “As the World Turns” has been cancelled. A spokesman says they just can’t compete with the story line Tiger is weaving
Mental health experts think Tiger may suffer from a rare form of sex addiction that causes men who are rich and powerful to act out. Most women say it’s just par for the course.
I asked my GF if I was a sex addict and she said I didn’t have enough money
Philadelphia Flyers goalie Ray Emery will have abdominal surgery which is weird because I thought it was Ottawa Senator fans that couldn’t stomach him
New York Islanders defenceman Brendan Witt was hit by a car just before a game in Philadelphia. The driver of the car says he was aiming for Islanders goalie Martin Biron to show his disgust at how he played for the Flyers last year but went through the 5-hole and got Brendan instead.
Hitachi has developed technology to identify people from the veins in their fingers, which is slightly different from Detroit Lions fans who are easily recognized by the veins in their forehead.
The technology is not new as most wives use the middle finger to identify when they have watched enough football
Police in Vancouver have seized a cache of ecstasy pills with the Olympic logo on them. Officials with the IOC were livid and immediately demanded a percentage from all the drugs.
The pills differ from the ones with the Toronto Maple Leaf logo on them which are called agony.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Taxi Squat!
35% of professional Rugby player are currently on the injured reserve list and supporters are demanding answers as to why the remaining 65% are such pussies.
Fun fact... there were more players on the Riders Taxi Squad than actual Taxis in Calgary for the Grey Cup.
I thought it was an Atlanta Braves thing but it looks like the Florida Panthers are using the Tomahawk Chop
Fun fact... there were more players on the Riders Taxi Squad than actual Taxis in Calgary for the Grey Cup.
I thought it was an Atlanta Braves thing but it looks like the Florida Panthers are using the Tomahawk Chop
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Fore... play!
You know it was a Canadian University Championship football game when the host is Quebec featuring teams from Alberta and Ontario and yet most of the people in the crowd were wearing green.
Traffic was snarled in Calgary for Grey Cup weekend with a sudden snowfall. Vehicles moved much quicker once fans of the Riders took the watermelons off their heads and used them for traction on the icy roads.
So a story in the tabloids linking Tiger Woods to an affair lands in the newsstand the same week he has a car accident running into a tree on his property and his wife just happens to have a golf club to free him from the vehicle. Wow what luck!
The club Tigers wife used to get him out of the car? A free Woods.
Tiger Woods wife is like most new golfers... once she hits the dimples it goes a few yards then ends up in the trees...
Police became suspicious when a Tweet from Tigers wife told her friends she was going out clubbing
LFL star Krystal Gray was in Saskatoon for a Grey Cup appearance and challenged men to a throwing contest after seeing all of the passes made to her fall short
After being an asset all year who would have thought the Riders 13th man would cost them the Grey Cup.
A huge traffic jam on the #1 Highway leading into Calgary resulted when Winnebago’s clogged up the roads leading to McMahon Stadium after hearing Snowbirds were to do a pass over
At the end of the Game none of the players would name the culprit and so sales of the Rider Jersey “I am the 13th man” quickly sold out... and the line was used often on LFL star Krystal Gray at the after game party...
Children in Saskatchewan learning the basics of football now have a new competition the Punt/Pass/Kick and Count.
Top 5 signs you have too many men on the field
# 5 The down lineman has a Pilsner hat on
# 4 You have to take off both shoes to count them all
# 3 One players is wearing number .08
# 2 There is a fight to see who will snap the ball
# 1 You manage to disappoint both the Rider Nation and your elementary school math teacher
I told my GF I wouldn’t wash my Rider shirt again until they won the Grey Cup and she was surprised I had ever washed it
Traffic was snarled in Calgary for Grey Cup weekend with a sudden snowfall. Vehicles moved much quicker once fans of the Riders took the watermelons off their heads and used them for traction on the icy roads.
So a story in the tabloids linking Tiger Woods to an affair lands in the newsstand the same week he has a car accident running into a tree on his property and his wife just happens to have a golf club to free him from the vehicle. Wow what luck!
The club Tigers wife used to get him out of the car? A free Woods.
Tiger Woods wife is like most new golfers... once she hits the dimples it goes a few yards then ends up in the trees...
Police became suspicious when a Tweet from Tigers wife told her friends she was going out clubbing
LFL star Krystal Gray was in Saskatoon for a Grey Cup appearance and challenged men to a throwing contest after seeing all of the passes made to her fall short
After being an asset all year who would have thought the Riders 13th man would cost them the Grey Cup.
A huge traffic jam on the #1 Highway leading into Calgary resulted when Winnebago’s clogged up the roads leading to McMahon Stadium after hearing Snowbirds were to do a pass over
At the end of the Game none of the players would name the culprit and so sales of the Rider Jersey “I am the 13th man” quickly sold out... and the line was used often on LFL star Krystal Gray at the after game party...
Children in Saskatchewan learning the basics of football now have a new competition the Punt/Pass/Kick and Count.
Top 5 signs you have too many men on the field
# 5 The down lineman has a Pilsner hat on
# 4 You have to take off both shoes to count them all
# 3 One players is wearing number .08
# 2 There is a fight to see who will snap the ball
# 1 You manage to disappoint both the Rider Nation and your elementary school math teacher
I told my GF I wouldn’t wash my Rider shirt again until they won the Grey Cup and she was surprised I had ever washed it
Friday, November 27, 2009
Party Pooper
A report from Health Canada concludes teenage girls actively seek out situations where they suffer angst. This report is being studied by officials with the Toronto Maple Leafs who plan to unveil a 3rd pink jersey.
Montreal has been hit with a series of bombings with Police saying it could be mob related or fans are preparing for a Grey Cup victory.
Top 5 signs your Grey Cup party is a bust
# 5 Half time lingerie football game features contestants from the Biggest Loser
# 4 The food is green and you’re cheering for the Alouettes
# 3 The beer supply has more imports than non imports
# 2 Matt Dunigan shows up to do the play by play
# 1 Nobody touches the special “Horsemeat Hash” tribute to Calgary
You have to wonder why any fan from Saskatoon would be coming to Calgary when LFL star Krystal Grey is there.
New Brunswick has said no to sponsor the Olympic torch relay for a cost of $1.5 million saying they can’t justify the expense. Olympic official were livid noting this may result in IOC members having to eat local caviar.
I guess Brian Burkes straight talk only works on the players.
It looks like Jesse Lumsden might be the most valuable addition to a sled since Rudolph.
Montreal has been hit with a series of bombings with Police saying it could be mob related or fans are preparing for a Grey Cup victory.
Top 5 signs your Grey Cup party is a bust
# 5 Half time lingerie football game features contestants from the Biggest Loser
# 4 The food is green and you’re cheering for the Alouettes
# 3 The beer supply has more imports than non imports
# 2 Matt Dunigan shows up to do the play by play
# 1 Nobody touches the special “Horsemeat Hash” tribute to Calgary
You have to wonder why any fan from Saskatoon would be coming to Calgary when LFL star Krystal Grey is there.
New Brunswick has said no to sponsor the Olympic torch relay for a cost of $1.5 million saying they can’t justify the expense. Olympic official were livid noting this may result in IOC members having to eat local caviar.
I guess Brian Burkes straight talk only works on the players.
It looks like Jesse Lumsden might be the most valuable addition to a sled since Rudolph.
Friday, November 20, 2009
The Buzz on Buzz
You know the H1N1 pandemic is serious when they move potential Olympic Hockey team members to the front of the line for a shot...
Professional athletes have been called pigs for years but when they try to get a shot for it everyone calls them line jumpers.
After seeing sports teams get the H1N1 shot and X-rays being taken of baseball injuries between innings... Americans are now calling for a player’s health option in addition to a public one for health care reform.
The CFL Players Association (CFLPA) is in the final phase of negotiations for a new contract. A CFLPA spokesman says stumbling blocks include revenue on deposit from empties, 2 for 1 coupons and air miles.
The NHL Players Association has confirmed Buzz Hargrove the former head of the Auto Workers has resigned. Buzz leave the NHLPA in roughly the same condition he left the auto industry.
A helicopter was required to rescue a man from an ice flow in northern Manitoba. The man was said to be in good condition and says he still plans to coach the Blue Bombers next year.
Kansas Royals pitcher Zach Grienke has won the American League Cy Young Award. Grienke suffers from a social disorder which makes him the 1st professional athlete to have a social disease not treatable with penicillin.
If giving up $8 million to play part time makes Alan Iverson the “Answer” the question must be who has more money than brains.
I saw an incident like the woman who attacked another player on the soccer field but they were covered with mud and there was a 2 drink minimum.
After a blown call by the referee on a hand ball sent France to a victory over Ireland in World Cup qualifications officials with Ireland are worried it might cause their fan base to take to the drink.
The owner of the Tennessee Titans was fined $250,000. For giving the Buffalo Bills fans the finger but yet the owner of the Bills wasn’t fined anything for giving his fans the shaft.
San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum had quite the month with being charged on possession of marijuana and then winning the Cy Young award by a paper thin margin.
A plan to have cruise ships in the harbour for Vancouver 2010 was scrapped with officials saying the plan collapsed when they couldn’t find enough girls to go wild.
Top 5 signs your teams celebrations are over the top
# 5 Players do the Lambeau Leap in practice
# 4 Team hires a choreographer for touchdown celebrations
# 3 Captain starts break dancing when he wins the coin toss
# 2 The referee has to tell players to get a room during hug fests
# 1 They play for a team from Toronto
Professional athletes have been called pigs for years but when they try to get a shot for it everyone calls them line jumpers.
After seeing sports teams get the H1N1 shot and X-rays being taken of baseball injuries between innings... Americans are now calling for a player’s health option in addition to a public one for health care reform.
The CFL Players Association (CFLPA) is in the final phase of negotiations for a new contract. A CFLPA spokesman says stumbling blocks include revenue on deposit from empties, 2 for 1 coupons and air miles.
The NHL Players Association has confirmed Buzz Hargrove the former head of the Auto Workers has resigned. Buzz leave the NHLPA in roughly the same condition he left the auto industry.
A helicopter was required to rescue a man from an ice flow in northern Manitoba. The man was said to be in good condition and says he still plans to coach the Blue Bombers next year.
Kansas Royals pitcher Zach Grienke has won the American League Cy Young Award. Grienke suffers from a social disorder which makes him the 1st professional athlete to have a social disease not treatable with penicillin.
If giving up $8 million to play part time makes Alan Iverson the “Answer” the question must be who has more money than brains.
I saw an incident like the woman who attacked another player on the soccer field but they were covered with mud and there was a 2 drink minimum.
After a blown call by the referee on a hand ball sent France to a victory over Ireland in World Cup qualifications officials with Ireland are worried it might cause their fan base to take to the drink.
The owner of the Tennessee Titans was fined $250,000. For giving the Buffalo Bills fans the finger but yet the owner of the Bills wasn’t fined anything for giving his fans the shaft.
San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum had quite the month with being charged on possession of marijuana and then winning the Cy Young award by a paper thin margin.
A plan to have cruise ships in the harbour for Vancouver 2010 was scrapped with officials saying the plan collapsed when they couldn’t find enough girls to go wild.
Top 5 signs your teams celebrations are over the top
# 5 Players do the Lambeau Leap in practice
# 4 Team hires a choreographer for touchdown celebrations
# 3 Captain starts break dancing when he wins the coin toss
# 2 The referee has to tell players to get a room during hug fests
# 1 They play for a team from Toronto
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Grrreeeaaattt!
Andre Agassi says he used crystal meth in his tennis career. And I thought they survived on Crystal Lite like their commercials said.
With both starting pitchers in the World Series former Cleveland Indians shouldn’t the City get some bragging rights?
A major goalie controversy has erupted in Montreal with Halak now having to carry Price.
Rogers Communication, owners of the Toronto Blue Jays, extended the contract of Paul Beason the 1st step in a rebuilding project scheduled to take minutes.
Rogers was denying rumours of an impending sale saying they receive almost 26% of their mobile communication divisions’ revenues from people texting “Jays Suck”.
A major breakthrough in limb replacement surgery has NFL officials excited about increasing the number of regular season games.
Not sure which story is getting the most coverage the H1N1 or the Leafs won, Leafs won!
It was 50 years ago the 1st goalie dared to wear a mask in a NHL contest changing the game forever as the object now was to knock off the mask.
Dr.’s are saying marijuana can be successful in removing hemorrhoids and was confirmed by every pro athlete that has spent serious time on the bench.
In the grand scheme of promotion how sad is it when the NHL is in a legal battle against one of the greatest players ever over money?
How can we thank Gary Betman for turning the simple pleasure of remembering Wayne Gretzky as the great one replace with him having to hire a great lawyer to save his reputation and money?
Police say a confrontation among rival fans in Brazil left two people hospitalized with gunshot wounds but Olympic officials are confident the violence will decrease once the soccer teams are finished their elimination rounds.
How many Mark McGuire puns are allowed with his hiring as hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals? Will he show the new players how he creamed them? Could be a shot in the arm for the team... could be a shot in the ass. There should be a contest.
Top 5 signs your new hitting coach is on steroids
# 5 Throws harder than the pitching machine
# 4 Doubles as the team masseuse and moisturizer
# 3 Asked to instruct nurses giving H1N1 shots
# 2 Keeps getting larger batting helmets
# 1 Favorite saying... “Take a pill”.
With both starting pitchers in the World Series former Cleveland Indians shouldn’t the City get some bragging rights?
A major goalie controversy has erupted in Montreal with Halak now having to carry Price.
Rogers Communication, owners of the Toronto Blue Jays, extended the contract of Paul Beason the 1st step in a rebuilding project scheduled to take minutes.
Rogers was denying rumours of an impending sale saying they receive almost 26% of their mobile communication divisions’ revenues from people texting “Jays Suck”.
A major breakthrough in limb replacement surgery has NFL officials excited about increasing the number of regular season games.
Not sure which story is getting the most coverage the H1N1 or the Leafs won, Leafs won!
It was 50 years ago the 1st goalie dared to wear a mask in a NHL contest changing the game forever as the object now was to knock off the mask.
Dr.’s are saying marijuana can be successful in removing hemorrhoids and was confirmed by every pro athlete that has spent serious time on the bench.
In the grand scheme of promotion how sad is it when the NHL is in a legal battle against one of the greatest players ever over money?
How can we thank Gary Betman for turning the simple pleasure of remembering Wayne Gretzky as the great one replace with him having to hire a great lawyer to save his reputation and money?
Police say a confrontation among rival fans in Brazil left two people hospitalized with gunshot wounds but Olympic officials are confident the violence will decrease once the soccer teams are finished their elimination rounds.
How many Mark McGuire puns are allowed with his hiring as hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals? Will he show the new players how he creamed them? Could be a shot in the arm for the team... could be a shot in the ass. There should be a contest.
Top 5 signs your new hitting coach is on steroids
# 5 Throws harder than the pitching machine
# 4 Doubles as the team masseuse and moisturizer
# 3 Asked to instruct nurses giving H1N1 shots
# 2 Keeps getting larger batting helmets
# 1 Favorite saying... “Take a pill”.
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