My thanks to Cam Hutchinson for supporting this creation. Cheers DJW

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Barry Bonds in Head Office


Barry Bonds says he wants to be a part of the San Francisco Giants organization. There has to be an opening in the Head Office for the world’s largest head and head case.

The judge ruled against Roger Clemens request for a dismissal of all charges and said the matter should be judged by a jury of his peers. Unfortunately Barry Bonds, Mark McGuire and Jose Canseco were unavailable for duty.

  Italian Premier Mario Monti has suggested that football in the country should be suspended for two to three years after another match-fixing scandal. This would give the country time to prosecute the former Prime Minister, Vatican officials and the Mafia, without the distraction of men kicking a ball around.

An Ottawa coroner has confirmed a package delivered to the Conservative Party of Canada's headquarters in downtown Ottawa contained a human foot. Police say the owner of the foot is not known but it appears to be the right size to fit in Brian Burkes mouth.

New census data shows Canada now has a higher proportion of seniors than ever before, a development that has crept up on society with far-reaching implications for health, finance, policy and everyday family relationships. Most of all it explains the Calgary Flames roster for the past 5 years.

The Vancouver Park Board’s municipal golf courses appear to be out of the financial rough, with a big jump in business over last year. The Board cites better weather, more advertising and a steady stream of Vancouver Canucks getting early tee times.

British billionaire Richard Branson has invited B.C. Premier Christy Clark to join him on a kite surf ride, with the suggestion that she try it naked. The Premier says Branson misunderstood her when he asked if she could kite surf and she replied “barely”.

B.C. Premier Christy Clark won't be going to the Western Premiers' Conference today in Edmonton, but her party is still joining the western attack on federal NDP Leader Thomas Mulcair. Clark is disappointed she won’t be in the game but is not averse to piling on from the sidelines.

Terrell Owens says he was paid $50 severance from his Arena Football contract. A CFL spokesman was outraged saying this is the kind of wasteful spending that puts teams in financial straits. Owens fired his manager who then reportedly went to Wendy’s to spend his 20% cut in celebration


A South Florida masseuse died at a hospital after collapsing at the Miami Beach home of injured Heat forward Chris Bosh. A spokesman for the Heat was devastated saying this could affect game 5.

Wonder what the Over/Under is on who scores more goals the Stanley Cup Finals or Euro 2012?

Details of a tentative US$170-million deal to sell the Phoenix Coyotes to prospective owner Greg Jamison include a 20-year lease that will pay Jamison's group an average of $15 million a season to manage Jobing.com arena. A spokesman for the City of Glendale was unavailable for comment but did say he can be reached at his 2nd job, Jobbing.com popcorn vendor.

Talking to a psychologist on the phone as therapy for depression may work as well as meeting face-to-face, according to a new study. This is especially helpful if you dial the special 1-900 “therapists”.

The Canadian Taxpayers Federation says documents obtained in a Freedom of Information request show Vancouver TransLink spent $532,444 on unreliable televisions at five SkyTrain stations in 2009. Worse than that, the remaining TV’s are stuck on a loop playing the 5th game of this year’s Canucks Stanley Cup final game.

Vancouver School Board trustees will debate the installation of a controversial noise-generating device called the Mosquito that deters vandalism and loitering by emitting an extremely high-pitched sound, on Tuesday night. The sound is really offensive to most except for students from South Africa who say it reminds them of the vuvuzelas.

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