Scientists were amazed to discover the planet Uranus has acquired a new ring in the past 20 years thus doubling the output of the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Kirk Radomski the ex Mets clubhouse attendant has been interviewed by the Mitchell commission on steroid use and the findings are said to be explosive. The case first came to light when it was discovered Kirk was selling a glass of juice in the clubhouse for $400 or about the same as a NY Hotel mini-bar. The names mentioned by Kirk are not yet out because when you are on steroids it’s sometimes hard to get a leak.
Peyton Manning is defending his brother Eli after comments by ex NY Giants running back and now TV commentator Tiki Barber questioned his leadership abilities. Payton says players that become commentators like to break the code by criticizing their former teammates, but to be honest the code is not really an enigma to anyone watching the Giants.
Rory Sabatini grabbed the first round lead of the Fed Ex Cup and now has a mathematical chance to be as confused as everyone else about the scoring system.
Ex Toronto Maple Leaf Jim Pappin had his 1967 Stanley Cup Ring found on a beach in Florida. The ring headed south like so many other Snowbirds to the warmer climate and a chance to see the Cup again.
Saskatchewan Roughrider Gene Makowsky is recovering from a bout of mononucleosis and is trying to tell his wife he caught the “kissing disease” congratulating Kerry Joseph for a touchdown pass. It took a while to diagnose the disease characterized by a sluggishness and lack of energy because he plays on the offensive line.
Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Brendon Webb had gone over 4 weeks without talking to his manager because he didn’t want to jinx his scoreless inning streak. This is in contrast to major league players wives who go long periods not talking to their husbands because they score too often.
A report on the conduct of former NHLPA president Ted Saskin is finished but will take a couple of weeks to be delivered to all the players as they feel a bit jittery sending it out on email.
The NY Yankees decided not to use Joba Chamberlain in a game because the day before he had thrown 9 pitches. Yankee officials later said it might have only been 9 pitches but from the dugout it felt like he was out there forever.
NBC is going to be showing a record amount of the 2008 Summer Olympics on line and have acquired all of the links necessary except for a dispute over the rights to the handball site, currently in other hands.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Cup Spaced Out
Now that Angelio Esposito will not be in Team Canada’s line-up for the series against Russia, who will step up to call us jerks if they start losing?
I was touched by the picture of Mark Bell with his arms around the kids just after he was sentenced to jail for his DUI. I guess his excuse was valid; he was doing an emergency 3:00 AM toy-run.
The new president of the Canadian Medical Association was in Toronto to start an urgent debate on the 40 year old health care system and his argument for change was couched in a sports metaphor. “You wouldn’t keep spending enormous sums of money on a team for 40 years and not expect results.” Do I really have to finish this joke?
The Texas Rangers scored a record 30 runs on Wednesday is a desperate attempt to show management they don’t need George Bush back when he limps through his Presidency.
A 59 year old man has made the Sul Ross State Division III football team in a story that has touched America and forced the NY Yankees to add 6 years to Roger Clemmons option. Mike Flynt a self-made millionaire said he always wanted to go back to college and realize his one big unfulfilled dream, to nail a cheerleader.
Jerome Bettis says in his new book he faked an injury in training camp to avoid getting cut and losing his salary. NFL veterans were horrified saying the only reason to fake an injury in training camp is to avoid training camp. Bettis says he cheated the team because he knew “they were trying to pull on me”, a valuable lesson in honesty for all you kiddies out there.
Illinois guard Jamar Smith will be forced to sit out a full year after being found guilty of DUI and causing an accident. Asked what he learned from this experience Smith replied “I should have said yes to the trade with the Toronto Maple Leafs”.
NASA has now admitted the reason it brought back the Space Shuttle early was not because of the Hurricane threat but the PGA had rented their computers to figure out the scoring system of the Fed Ex Cup.
Larry Johnson of the Kansas City Chiefs has ended his contract holdout saying “It wasn’t about the money”. Holding out for more money is now code for wanting better seating on the team bus.
After turning down a $21 million contract because “I have a family to feed” ex NBA star Latrell Sprewell had his yacht confiscated for not paying the mortgage. Asked to comment Sprewell said “My family loved to eat on that yacht"
I was touched by the picture of Mark Bell with his arms around the kids just after he was sentenced to jail for his DUI. I guess his excuse was valid; he was doing an emergency 3:00 AM toy-run.
The new president of the Canadian Medical Association was in Toronto to start an urgent debate on the 40 year old health care system and his argument for change was couched in a sports metaphor. “You wouldn’t keep spending enormous sums of money on a team for 40 years and not expect results.” Do I really have to finish this joke?
The Texas Rangers scored a record 30 runs on Wednesday is a desperate attempt to show management they don’t need George Bush back when he limps through his Presidency.
A 59 year old man has made the Sul Ross State Division III football team in a story that has touched America and forced the NY Yankees to add 6 years to Roger Clemmons option. Mike Flynt a self-made millionaire said he always wanted to go back to college and realize his one big unfulfilled dream, to nail a cheerleader.
Jerome Bettis says in his new book he faked an injury in training camp to avoid getting cut and losing his salary. NFL veterans were horrified saying the only reason to fake an injury in training camp is to avoid training camp. Bettis says he cheated the team because he knew “they were trying to pull on me”, a valuable lesson in honesty for all you kiddies out there.
Illinois guard Jamar Smith will be forced to sit out a full year after being found guilty of DUI and causing an accident. Asked what he learned from this experience Smith replied “I should have said yes to the trade with the Toronto Maple Leafs”.
NASA has now admitted the reason it brought back the Space Shuttle early was not because of the Hurricane threat but the PGA had rented their computers to figure out the scoring system of the Fed Ex Cup.
Larry Johnson of the Kansas City Chiefs has ended his contract holdout saying “It wasn’t about the money”. Holding out for more money is now code for wanting better seating on the team bus.
After turning down a $21 million contract because “I have a family to feed” ex NBA star Latrell Sprewell had his yacht confiscated for not paying the mortgage. Asked to comment Sprewell said “My family loved to eat on that yacht"
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Desperately Seeking Scout
One of the things Michael Vick can look forward to in prison is he will probably be the pick of the litter.
Mongolian Sumo Wrestler Asashoryu has reportedly been diagnosed with a nervous breakdown after being disciplined for not attending a tournament. This is the most serious meltdown of an adult in diapers since Lisa Nowak of NASA.
With the NHL unveiling the new form fitting jerseys there hasn’t been this much interest in tight sweaters since Jessica Alba said she was chilly.
David Ortiz is putting his $200,000 Mercedes up for auction on E-Bay and will drive it to your house if your bid is accepted. Word is NY Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter is interested as long as he can pick the day and place it is to be delivered.
The ball hit by Barry Bonds to break Hank Aarons home run record is going on E-Bay in what is being touted as a Big Ball Event, which is ironic since most balls affected by steroids get smaller.
Organizers of a marathon race in Scotland around the fabled home of the Loch Ness Monster have taken out a $2 million dollar insurance policy in case a participant is eaten during the event. This is not only a record amount spent on a monster insurance policy but the most money ever wasted by a Scotsman.
After watching a DVD of the 1972 Canada-Russia Hockey Series the biggest question Team Canada’s junior players had was “how could they skate with those big muttonchops?
You would think one of the NBA General Managers would think about hiring Eva Longeria to be a European scout because you have to admit she has an eye for talent. The NBA says its next big expansion will be in Europe once they find away around the anti-terrorism laws that won’t allow some of the NBA players back into the US once they have left. There was talk of expansion to Mexico but then they realized they already had 2 teams in Los Angles.
The Vancouver Canucks re-signed Trevor Linden for his 18th season in the NHL. Linden says he hopes he can play as long as some of the idols he worshipped growing up as a kid like Chris Chellios.
NY Giants quarterback Eli Manning and former Giant Tiki Barber are in a dust-up over comments Barber made that questioned Mannings lack of fire. Asked to comment Manning said “yeah well how many Super Bowl rings does his brother have?”
Mongolian Sumo Wrestler Asashoryu has reportedly been diagnosed with a nervous breakdown after being disciplined for not attending a tournament. This is the most serious meltdown of an adult in diapers since Lisa Nowak of NASA.
With the NHL unveiling the new form fitting jerseys there hasn’t been this much interest in tight sweaters since Jessica Alba said she was chilly.
David Ortiz is putting his $200,000 Mercedes up for auction on E-Bay and will drive it to your house if your bid is accepted. Word is NY Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter is interested as long as he can pick the day and place it is to be delivered.
The ball hit by Barry Bonds to break Hank Aarons home run record is going on E-Bay in what is being touted as a Big Ball Event, which is ironic since most balls affected by steroids get smaller.
Organizers of a marathon race in Scotland around the fabled home of the Loch Ness Monster have taken out a $2 million dollar insurance policy in case a participant is eaten during the event. This is not only a record amount spent on a monster insurance policy but the most money ever wasted by a Scotsman.
After watching a DVD of the 1972 Canada-Russia Hockey Series the biggest question Team Canada’s junior players had was “how could they skate with those big muttonchops?
You would think one of the NBA General Managers would think about hiring Eva Longeria to be a European scout because you have to admit she has an eye for talent. The NBA says its next big expansion will be in Europe once they find away around the anti-terrorism laws that won’t allow some of the NBA players back into the US once they have left. There was talk of expansion to Mexico but then they realized they already had 2 teams in Los Angles.
The Vancouver Canucks re-signed Trevor Linden for his 18th season in the NHL. Linden says he hopes he can play as long as some of the idols he worshipped growing up as a kid like Chris Chellios.
NY Giants quarterback Eli Manning and former Giant Tiki Barber are in a dust-up over comments Barber made that questioned Mannings lack of fire. Asked to comment Manning said “yeah well how many Super Bowl rings does his brother have?”
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Bean Air Dung That
In the ongoing troubles of Michael Vick I guess if you add in the judge and jury this snitch in time saved nine. After lying to his team, the NFL and the fans that paid him millions it is pretty obvious that the secret compartment in the water bottle he was carrying contained his self respect. Now that he has used up his favorite name for a gonorrhea treatment what will his friends call him in prison? Let’s hope PETA doesn’t have a branch office in prison. I guess you can’t blame him for lying, his strongest asset as a quarterback was the misdirection play.
I’m pretty sure when Sam Pollock arrives in heaven he will try to get the rights to all the French Canadian players for his team.
The World 100 meter record holder Asafa Powell told reporters he spent 6 hours at 3 different Clubs before arriving for a workout 4 hours later. He said it was just a coincidence that his best time for the day was 10.08.
The NY Mets have added 41 year old Jeff Conine in what has become a race with the NY Yankees to see who can field the oldest team. The teams are so old the pre-game meal is a blue plate special, so old their socks are held up by support hose, so old their clubhouse music has no ho’s capping your bro’s, so old they can remember when Regis was actually funny.
In an effort to appeal to their young fans the Vancouver Canucks will make their 3rd jersey entirely from hemp. They plan to unveil a new light green logo and are actively trying to get the rights to the slogan “This Buds for You”.
In order to protect themselves from lawsuits the Edmonton Eskimos have banned liquor from their dressing room and the way they are playing no one is going to get drunk with power.
I’m not sure what is worrying sports team owners more losing money in the sub-prime market or losing money in the over-prime player market.
You have to love the crowds in Regina. When the lights went out half of the older crowd felt they had better go home and the other half walked them there. The people inside Mosaic stadium were frightened because the lights don’t usually go out on a Saturday night in Regina until 12:00.
After seeing Rex Grossman fumble 3 times, throw an interception and rush for -1 yards in limited plays it’s good to see he is already in mid-season form.
To try and compare the 1972 Super Series between Canada and Russia to the upcoming one featuring teenagers from both countries would be unfair. Mostly today’s kids are smarter so if the Russian Police was going to take Eagleson away, I think they would have let them.
Wonder what the favorite part of the year is to an Edmonton Eskimo wife? Bye Week!
A judge has dropped some of the assault charges against Anthony Scirrotto of Penn State who last year led the Big 10 in interceptions. Chris Baker a back-up defensive tackle also charged in the brawl will have to wait for his fate until his scouting report is reviewed.
Phil Knight and his wife Penny gave $100 million to the University of Oregon to create a foundation which will help them build a new arena for the basketball team. Knight said he considered giving some of the money to the sweatshop workers who made his product but they refused to name their sons after him.
China State Radio announced taking 1.3 million cars off the road successfully improved air quality in the city of Beijing. In order to try and improve the quality even further officials are going to monitor the air after next month’s cabbage and bean ban.
The Clemson Tigers are requiring season ticket holders to cough up more money in the form of “donations” for 2008 or face losing their seats. The request is coming from the Clemson Booster Group who says it’s not about the money it’s about the geeks running the Booster Club getting their revenge.
I’m pretty sure when Sam Pollock arrives in heaven he will try to get the rights to all the French Canadian players for his team.
The World 100 meter record holder Asafa Powell told reporters he spent 6 hours at 3 different Clubs before arriving for a workout 4 hours later. He said it was just a coincidence that his best time for the day was 10.08.
The NY Mets have added 41 year old Jeff Conine in what has become a race with the NY Yankees to see who can field the oldest team. The teams are so old the pre-game meal is a blue plate special, so old their socks are held up by support hose, so old their clubhouse music has no ho’s capping your bro’s, so old they can remember when Regis was actually funny.
In an effort to appeal to their young fans the Vancouver Canucks will make their 3rd jersey entirely from hemp. They plan to unveil a new light green logo and are actively trying to get the rights to the slogan “This Buds for You”.
In order to protect themselves from lawsuits the Edmonton Eskimos have banned liquor from their dressing room and the way they are playing no one is going to get drunk with power.
I’m not sure what is worrying sports team owners more losing money in the sub-prime market or losing money in the over-prime player market.
You have to love the crowds in Regina. When the lights went out half of the older crowd felt they had better go home and the other half walked them there. The people inside Mosaic stadium were frightened because the lights don’t usually go out on a Saturday night in Regina until 12:00.
After seeing Rex Grossman fumble 3 times, throw an interception and rush for -1 yards in limited plays it’s good to see he is already in mid-season form.
To try and compare the 1972 Super Series between Canada and Russia to the upcoming one featuring teenagers from both countries would be unfair. Mostly today’s kids are smarter so if the Russian Police was going to take Eagleson away, I think they would have let them.
Wonder what the favorite part of the year is to an Edmonton Eskimo wife? Bye Week!
A judge has dropped some of the assault charges against Anthony Scirrotto of Penn State who last year led the Big 10 in interceptions. Chris Baker a back-up defensive tackle also charged in the brawl will have to wait for his fate until his scouting report is reviewed.
Phil Knight and his wife Penny gave $100 million to the University of Oregon to create a foundation which will help them build a new arena for the basketball team. Knight said he considered giving some of the money to the sweatshop workers who made his product but they refused to name their sons after him.
China State Radio announced taking 1.3 million cars off the road successfully improved air quality in the city of Beijing. In order to try and improve the quality even further officials are going to monitor the air after next month’s cabbage and bean ban.
The Clemson Tigers are requiring season ticket holders to cough up more money in the form of “donations” for 2008 or face losing their seats. The request is coming from the Clemson Booster Group who says it’s not about the money it’s about the geeks running the Booster Club getting their revenge.
Monday, August 20, 2007
8 is E Snuff
Watching the skies open up and lightening strike contributing to an Edmonton Eskimo fumble on a punt should confirm what has been suspected all along, God is a Riders fan.
Lori Kane was chosen by CN to wear a specially designed cap which left her on track to be named wardrobe train wreck of the week.
Sheldon Souray said in an interview he holds no bitter feelings towards the Montreal Canadians and wants to thank everyone on St. Catherine’s street for making his non hockey playing dreams come true.
Kelly Sutherland became the first professional Chuckwagon driver to win 10 world championships and to be on PETA’s 10 most wanted list at the same time. Asked how he felt about the honour Kelly said “I don’t give a radishes ass”.
Scheduling the Canadian Women’s Golf and Tennis championships on the same weekend finally gave guys a chance to get caught up on the yard work. Without many of the top women in the Rogers Cup and no Canadians in the hunt for the CN Open it was possible to ignore two events with our nationalism intact.
Wit 66,000 people on hand for David Beckhams first game in MLS it makes you understand why he is considered such a catch for the league. There haven’t been that many people cheering to see a ball bend like that since Scott Norwood.
Watching the amount of valuable players go down to injury in the NFL pre-season it now makes sense to see why the games are sponsored by Blue Cross. When a guy making $5 million a year has to sit out the whole year because of an injury it gives me a much better understanding of Mona Lisa’s smile.
By not returning to the Saskatchewan-Edmonton football game the CBC was quick to issue a statement expressing regrets saying the person in charge was asleep and his dog ate his cell phone. If the person in charge of sports for the CBC is asleep when one of their nationally televised games is on you would think that would be a wake-up call.
Dale Earnhardt Jr. will not have his number 8 when he changes teams this year due to a dispute with his stepmother. He still is holding out hope to get a number that will appeal to his fans and not require them to take off their socks to count.
Rush Limbaugh the talk show host that was so vehemently against drug use until he was caught using illegal drugs has now moved on to other subjects. By attacking Philadelphia Eagles Quarterback Donovan McNabb Limbaugh has opened up the possibility he is hiding his own blackness or worse yet he is an Eagles fan.
Marco Materazzi now says he told Zinedune Zidane “I prefer the whore that is your sister” which led to Zidanes famous head butting of him. Marco now says he was wrong and actually prefers to whore himself for publicity.
Team USA is worried about their shooting abilities after winding up a training session in which not one shot was fired at a strip club or drive-by.
Manchester United fans went on a drunken riot to protest the teams’ terrible start in European football. It was the worst riot since Manchester fans went on a drunken rampage to celebrate last years’ championship.
The Toronto Blue Jays are nearly out of the playoff race and hope to make it official soon so as not to leave the fans hanging like the Maple Leafs did last year.
PETA has come out with a list of Vegetarian Friendly Ballparks and once again at the top of the list was the B.C. Hempsox.
Lori Kane was chosen by CN to wear a specially designed cap which left her on track to be named wardrobe train wreck of the week.
Sheldon Souray said in an interview he holds no bitter feelings towards the Montreal Canadians and wants to thank everyone on St. Catherine’s street for making his non hockey playing dreams come true.
Kelly Sutherland became the first professional Chuckwagon driver to win 10 world championships and to be on PETA’s 10 most wanted list at the same time. Asked how he felt about the honour Kelly said “I don’t give a radishes ass”.
Scheduling the Canadian Women’s Golf and Tennis championships on the same weekend finally gave guys a chance to get caught up on the yard work. Without many of the top women in the Rogers Cup and no Canadians in the hunt for the CN Open it was possible to ignore two events with our nationalism intact.
Wit 66,000 people on hand for David Beckhams first game in MLS it makes you understand why he is considered such a catch for the league. There haven’t been that many people cheering to see a ball bend like that since Scott Norwood.
Watching the amount of valuable players go down to injury in the NFL pre-season it now makes sense to see why the games are sponsored by Blue Cross. When a guy making $5 million a year has to sit out the whole year because of an injury it gives me a much better understanding of Mona Lisa’s smile.
By not returning to the Saskatchewan-Edmonton football game the CBC was quick to issue a statement expressing regrets saying the person in charge was asleep and his dog ate his cell phone. If the person in charge of sports for the CBC is asleep when one of their nationally televised games is on you would think that would be a wake-up call.
Dale Earnhardt Jr. will not have his number 8 when he changes teams this year due to a dispute with his stepmother. He still is holding out hope to get a number that will appeal to his fans and not require them to take off their socks to count.
Rush Limbaugh the talk show host that was so vehemently against drug use until he was caught using illegal drugs has now moved on to other subjects. By attacking Philadelphia Eagles Quarterback Donovan McNabb Limbaugh has opened up the possibility he is hiding his own blackness or worse yet he is an Eagles fan.
Marco Materazzi now says he told Zinedune Zidane “I prefer the whore that is your sister” which led to Zidanes famous head butting of him. Marco now says he was wrong and actually prefers to whore himself for publicity.
Team USA is worried about their shooting abilities after winding up a training session in which not one shot was fired at a strip club or drive-by.
Manchester United fans went on a drunken riot to protest the teams’ terrible start in European football. It was the worst riot since Manchester fans went on a drunken rampage to celebrate last years’ championship.
The Toronto Blue Jays are nearly out of the playoff race and hope to make it official soon so as not to leave the fans hanging like the Maple Leafs did last year.
PETA has come out with a list of Vegetarian Friendly Ballparks and once again at the top of the list was the B.C. Hempsox.
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