Cup Spaced Out

Now that Angelio Esposito will not be in Team Canada’s line-up for the series against Russia, who will step up to call us jerks if they start losing?

I was touched by the picture of Mark Bell with his arms around the kids just after he was sentenced to jail for his DUI. I guess his excuse was valid; he was doing an emergency 3:00 AM toy-run.

The new president of the Canadian Medical Association was in Toronto to start an urgent debate on the 40 year old health care system and his argument for change was couched in a sports metaphor. “You wouldn’t keep spending enormous sums of money on a team for 40 years and not expect results.” Do I really have to finish this joke?

The Texas Rangers scored a record 30 runs on Wednesday is a desperate attempt to show management they don’t need George Bush back when he limps through his Presidency.

A 59 year old man has made the Sul Ross State Division III football team in a story that has touched America and forced the NY Yankees to add 6 years to Roger Clemmons option. Mike Flynt a self-made millionaire said he always wanted to go back to college and realize his one big unfulfilled dream, to nail a cheerleader.

Jerome Bettis says in his new book he faked an injury in training camp to avoid getting cut and losing his salary. NFL veterans were horrified saying the only reason to fake an injury in training camp is to avoid training camp. Bettis says he cheated the team because he knew “they were trying to pull on me”, a valuable lesson in honesty for all you kiddies out there.

Illinois guard Jamar Smith will be forced to sit out a full year after being found guilty of DUI and causing an accident. Asked what he learned from this experience Smith replied “I should have said yes to the trade with the Toronto Maple Leafs”.

NASA has now admitted the reason it brought back the Space Shuttle early was not because of the Hurricane threat but the PGA had rented their computers to figure out the scoring system of the Fed Ex Cup.

Larry Johnson of the Kansas City Chiefs has ended his contract holdout saying “It wasn’t about the money”. Holding out for more money is now code for wanting better seating on the team bus.

After turning down a $21 million contract because “I have a family to feed” ex NBA star Latrell Sprewell had his yacht confiscated for not paying the mortgage. Asked to comment Sprewell said “My family loved to eat on that yacht"