My thanks to Cam Hutchinson for supporting this creation. Cheers DJW

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Roger and Me and Me and Me and....

A convicted steroid dealer says NFL players use a hair loss drug to confuse drug tests called Head and Shoulders and Biceps and Abs.

Roger Clemens is denying reports he had a decade long affair with country singer Mindy McCready saying he just likes her music especially the song “You’ll never know”.

Roger says he wanted to break off the relationship with Mindy but was worried his dog wouldn’t come back and he’d lose his truck and mobile home.

Plate umpire Kerwin Danley broke his jaw after being hit with a foul ball and was reported to be unconscious but coherent a common complaint against umpires.

Alex Ovechkin required over $700,000 insuring his contract to play in the World Hockey Championship $500,000 of which was designated for dental work.

The Tennessee Titans traded Packman Jones to Dallas for a conviction to be named later.

I am confused is Grand Theft Auto a video game, the ongoing Formula 1 espionage scandal or when Dancia Patrick wins a race?

After signing a contract for $126 million Barry Zito has been assigned to the bullpen making him the most expensive set-up man since Dean Martin.

The Toronto Raptors were sent to the sidelines after losing their fifth straight playoff series or as the Maple Leafs call it an enviable record.

The owners of the Toronto Maple Leafs are said to be interested in purchasing an English Soccer club saying they feel confident they can export their losses overseas.

Soccer star Ronaldo is denying he knew the prostitutes he picked up were transvestites saying when he heard they played for a different team he thought that meant Chelsea.

The NFL Draft was a rousing success with the players selected passing every test except apparently their English exams.

The CFL Draft is like being chosen to work in fast food; you are happy to be making some money but really wanted a shot at something meaningful.

The Toronto Blue Jays have spent $7 million buying out the contract of Frank Thomas, the Raptors are thinking of releasing Coach Sam Mitchell and guard TJ Ford and the Leafs are looking to shed salaries from their team. The new recruiting slogan for Toronto teams will be “If at first you don’t succeed we will buy out, buy out again”.

Organizers of the British Open say they will wait a year to institute drug testing saying it will take the pressure off some of the golfers to hit the cup.

The Saskatchewan Roughriders and Montreal Alouettes are fighting the decision to penalize them for going over the CFL’s salary cap saying no one told them the coupons they used had an expiry date.

The NHL has formed a committee to look into goaltender equipment saying they want to keep down the rate of inflation.

Sean Avery was sent to Hospital with a lacerated spleen surprising everyone who thought he would have gall related problems.

How ironic is it that Sean Avery who skates around the ice venting his spleen at other players was hospitalized because his became lacerated?

It was reported Avery had a heart attack and passed out it turned out to be TSN “expert” Mike Millbury who now has nothing to say.

The CFL held its draft on the internet where there were surprise picks, blockbuster trades and the chance to help out a Nigerian Oil Minister move some of his assets.

Calgary Hitman Karl Alsner won the best defenseman award in Jr. Hockey despite taking only 10 minutes in penalties or less than the average shift of the old New Westminster Bruins team.

First it was Dancia Patrick winning an IRL race then Ashley Force became the first woman to win a national Funny Car Event and now Hillary Clinton is trying to rear end Barack Obama at the finish line.

It would be nice to see the Saskatchewan Roughriders have a home-grown quarterback but I have been informed by my girlfriend Teale doesn’t go with Green.

Golf swing coach Butch Harmon apologized to John Daley for quitting after hearing he had spent time drinking during a rain delay and then quit again after seeing pictures of him with his shirt off.

Albert Hofmann who discovered LSD died this week and in a final interview regretted people never appreciated what the drug could do saying “If you take enough acid, the drafting record of Mike Millbury makes perfect sense”.

The NBA chose Kevin Durant as its rookie of the year and in a surprise twist he accepted the award in Oklahoma wearing a cowboy hat.

With Seattle and Oklahoma fighting over the NBA team will next year’s players be drinking Starbucks or listening to Buck Stars?

The Kentucky Derby has 1 filly and 19 males in the race or as the NBA calls it room service.

Canadian Olympic Athletes have been given a smog filter they can use at the Games in Beijing and while waiting to catch the plane in Toronto.

Reports are surfacing that Roger Clemens has been having sex with multiple women including some who are underage. The news has been greeted with relief from Hall of Fame voters saying they can finally put up his accomplishments alongside other greats of the game.

With Roger flying around with multiple women in his plane are we sure they tested for the right performance enhancing drugs?