Saskatchewan Roughriders coach Kent Austin has quit taking a position as offensive co-ordinator with Mississippi State University. This is the second time Austin has left Saskatchewan after winning the Grey Cup thus putting lie to the slogan winners never quit. Austin says his decision was family related and wants to leave the door open to come back and quit again.
A 14 year old girl was booed by fans in Indianapolis when she entered the punt, pass and kick competition in a New England jersey. Asked to comment the girl says she now knows how Jessica Simpson feels when she wears a Cowboys jersey in Dallas. The owner of the New England Patriots says he will invite the girl to be a part of the team during next week’s game either by being in the coin toss, standing on the sidelines or operating the video camera.
The NCAA has opened up the possibility to Canadian Universities to join them in the upcoming year. This could help the Universities get access to better training, equipment and drug masking. When asked what this would do to the CIS competition most people responding said it shouldn’t affect our spy agency.
The Calgary SAIT Trojans are considering joining the NCAA and if they do it could set up a game against the UCLA Trojans the ultimate rubber match.
The CFL has raised the salary cap $150,000 to $4.2 million and have loosened rules governing meal allowances, which make it possible for players to super size their orders.
The San Francisco Giants were criticized by MLB commissioner Bud Selig for not reporting suspicions over the drug use of Barry Bonds. The Giants were apologetic with a spokesman saying next time they will try to give the league a heads up for suspicious signs.
The people in charge of drug testing for MLB say they have the situation under control and offered to give each member of the committee a coupon for a free hot dog and coke at their next game.
With the rash of 1 year contracts being given to players in the baseball off season you wonder if the owners are looking to see if the players have an expiry date. When asked how long it takes steroids to leave the system a spokesperson for a drug company said 1 to 2 years depending on the length of the contract extension.
A new drug for a condition called “restless leg syndrome” is reported to have side effects that include sexual promiscuity and increased gambling or as pro sports teams call it “road trip”. Asked to comment Travis Henry said “that’s it, I have restless leg syndrome”. This may explain why former Los Angeles Rams receiver “Crazy Legs” Hirsh was always smiling.
Randy Moss has denied reports he battered a female companion. In his favour there are no witnesses and he claims his innocence. In her favour she has a part time job as a videographer for the Patriots. Moss says the only thing he is guilty of in a court of law is an accident. If the defence works Roger Clemens will say he accidently fell on syringes... from 1999-2007.
After taking a wicked slap shot off the shoulder in a shootout from Dion Pnaneuf, Minnesota Wild goalie Backstrom might give the blame to Brian Rolston who likes to do the same to opposing goalies. It might have been the reason he couldn’t raise his arm to stop the winner from Iginla.
The Miami Dolphins have announced the hiring of Tony Saprano as their head coach. His first act was to have the offensive line whacked. The good news for the players is he comes with tons of experience the bad new training camp has been moved to an abandoned warehouse in New Jersey.
Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is lobbying for entry into the Pebble Beach Pro-Am golf tourney. This is a co-incidence because all of Texas wants to tee off on him and his girlfriend Jessica Simpson.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
You Dirty Rat
Oscar Pistorius a double amputee who uses artificial legs to run with has been denied entry into the Olympic Games. IOC officials say the sprinter has an unfair advantage and it is important all athletes compete on a level playing field, except for those who use drugs. The IOC is worried letting Oscar run would open the door and the next thing you know the six million dollar man would want to be entered in the pentathlon.
The Toronto Blue Jays have traded often injured Troy Glaus for often injured Scott Rolen of the St. Louis Cardinals. The trade was contingent upon each player finding a Doctor who could keep a straight face and clear them to play.
The Calgary Flames have signed Curtis Joseph to a pro-rated contract which is a far better rating than the defence is getting. Cujo now gives the Flames a goalie controversy to round out the lack of secondary scoring and immobile defence. Asked why he didn’t take the offer in Toronto Cujo said “I was retired not retarded”.
The Toronto Maple Leafs are looking to hire an experienced GM to turn around the fortunes of the team. Early word was Scotty Bowman and Cliff Fletcher had the inside track until news a group of scientists successfully revived a dead heart which puts Sam Pollack back into the race.
People are calling for a complete demolition of the team which might mean Mike Holmes is the man for the job.
A virologist has determined that Christopher Columbus brought back syphilis from his trip to the New World. The data was collected using patterns obtained from NBA road trips.
A fossilized rat weighing more than 1 ton has been discovered in rock formations in Uruguay. This is the largest rat ever found and eclipses the previous record found in the Mitchell report.
The Toronto Blue Jays have traded often injured Troy Glaus for often injured Scott Rolen of the St. Louis Cardinals. The trade was contingent upon each player finding a Doctor who could keep a straight face and clear them to play.
The Calgary Flames have signed Curtis Joseph to a pro-rated contract which is a far better rating than the defence is getting. Cujo now gives the Flames a goalie controversy to round out the lack of secondary scoring and immobile defence. Asked why he didn’t take the offer in Toronto Cujo said “I was retired not retarded”.
The Toronto Maple Leafs are looking to hire an experienced GM to turn around the fortunes of the team. Early word was Scotty Bowman and Cliff Fletcher had the inside track until news a group of scientists successfully revived a dead heart which puts Sam Pollack back into the race.
People are calling for a complete demolition of the team which might mean Mike Holmes is the man for the job.
A virologist has determined that Christopher Columbus brought back syphilis from his trip to the New World. The data was collected using patterns obtained from NBA road trips.
A fossilized rat weighing more than 1 ton has been discovered in rock formations in Uruguay. This is the largest rat ever found and eclipses the previous record found in the Mitchell report.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Not that Desperate Housewives
The Washington Capitals signed Alexander Ovechkin to a 13 year $125 million contract. It sounds like a lot but look how much they will save in playoff bonuses.
Roger Clemens spoke to 1000 college baseball coaches this weekend. He talked about pitching, conditioning and the need to find a trainer who is mute. Clemens told some jokes and was in a good mood saying the key to life is to be honest and open with almost everyone.
What’s with all the tears lately? Hillary Clinton cries and she wins, Terrel Owens cries when he loses and Toronto Maple Leaf fans cry when they are playing. When told that crying is a political asset Mark Messier broke down and admitted he is thing of running for office.
OJ Simpson was sent to jail for violating terms of his release on armed robbery charges by allegedly threatening a witness. Simpson says he is innocent and treated the man with kid gloves, which didn’t fit by the way.
Sir Edmund Hillary the first man to conquer Mt. Everest died this week. Sir Edmund was one of the few athletes to actually make good on the pick-up line “I’ll climb the highest mountain for you”.
With the Dakar Rally cancelled because of threats of terrorists the sport is looking to find other challenging courses to take its place. Suggestions include Budapest Romania to Bamako Mali, San Paulo Brazil to Mexico City Mexico and Suburban Toronto to Downtown Toronto during rush hour.
A feng shui expert says getting out of bed on the left side will give you a better start to the day. Dallas Cowboy fans know it really doesn’t matter what way you get out as long as Jessica Simpson isn’t on the other side.
NY Knicks coach Isiah Thomas says he would never quit on his team but it’s pretty obvious the feeling isn’t mutual. Thomas recently signed a long term extension and says he will do anything to help the team short of letting them out of his contract.
Scientists in the US have successfully brought a dead heart back to life. This is a stunning achievement and gives hope to doctors, patients and fans of the Miami Dolphins.
Who would have guessed you would be adding Indianapolis and Dallas to the Bucket List?
The Australian Open has changed its court surface to something they call “True Blue”. Meanwhile the Green Bay Packers have no plans to replace their turf which they call “Snow White”.
The CBC has a new show called MVP where the owner of a Toronto professional hockey team is seen looking over the package of her new highly touted draft pick. This is obviously fiction because if Toronto had a chance for a highly touted draft prospect they would have already traded him for a couple of over the hill journeymen. The show centres on a fictional hockey league and the wives of the players. Fictional or not none of the actresses would agree to be a part of the team from Edmonton.
Roger Clemens spoke to 1000 college baseball coaches this weekend. He talked about pitching, conditioning and the need to find a trainer who is mute. Clemens told some jokes and was in a good mood saying the key to life is to be honest and open with almost everyone.
What’s with all the tears lately? Hillary Clinton cries and she wins, Terrel Owens cries when he loses and Toronto Maple Leaf fans cry when they are playing. When told that crying is a political asset Mark Messier broke down and admitted he is thing of running for office.
OJ Simpson was sent to jail for violating terms of his release on armed robbery charges by allegedly threatening a witness. Simpson says he is innocent and treated the man with kid gloves, which didn’t fit by the way.
Sir Edmund Hillary the first man to conquer Mt. Everest died this week. Sir Edmund was one of the few athletes to actually make good on the pick-up line “I’ll climb the highest mountain for you”.
With the Dakar Rally cancelled because of threats of terrorists the sport is looking to find other challenging courses to take its place. Suggestions include Budapest Romania to Bamako Mali, San Paulo Brazil to Mexico City Mexico and Suburban Toronto to Downtown Toronto during rush hour.
A feng shui expert says getting out of bed on the left side will give you a better start to the day. Dallas Cowboy fans know it really doesn’t matter what way you get out as long as Jessica Simpson isn’t on the other side.
NY Knicks coach Isiah Thomas says he would never quit on his team but it’s pretty obvious the feeling isn’t mutual. Thomas recently signed a long term extension and says he will do anything to help the team short of letting them out of his contract.
Scientists in the US have successfully brought a dead heart back to life. This is a stunning achievement and gives hope to doctors, patients and fans of the Miami Dolphins.
Who would have guessed you would be adding Indianapolis and Dallas to the Bucket List?
The Australian Open has changed its court surface to something they call “True Blue”. Meanwhile the Green Bay Packers have no plans to replace their turf which they call “Snow White”.
The CBC has a new show called MVP where the owner of a Toronto professional hockey team is seen looking over the package of her new highly touted draft pick. This is obviously fiction because if Toronto had a chance for a highly touted draft prospect they would have already traded him for a couple of over the hill journeymen. The show centres on a fictional hockey league and the wives of the players. Fictional or not none of the actresses would agree to be a part of the team from Edmonton.
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