The Rubber Match

Saskatchewan Roughriders coach Kent Austin has quit taking a position as offensive co-ordinator with Mississippi State University. This is the second time Austin has left Saskatchewan after winning the Grey Cup thus putting lie to the slogan winners never quit. Austin says his decision was family related and wants to leave the door open to come back and quit again.

A 14 year old girl was booed by fans in Indianapolis when she entered the punt, pass and kick competition in a New England jersey. Asked to comment the girl says she now knows how Jessica Simpson feels when she wears a Cowboys jersey in Dallas. The owner of the New England Patriots says he will invite the girl to be a part of the team during next week’s game either by being in the coin toss, standing on the sidelines or operating the video camera.

The NCAA has opened up the possibility to Canadian Universities to join them in the upcoming year. This could help the Universities get access to better training, equipment and drug masking. When asked what this would do to the CIS competition most people responding said it shouldn’t affect our spy agency.

The Calgary SAIT Trojans are considering joining the NCAA and if they do it could set up a game against the UCLA Trojans the ultimate rubber match.

The CFL has raised the salary cap $150,000 to $4.2 million and have loosened rules governing meal allowances, which make it possible for players to super size their orders.

The San Francisco Giants were criticized by MLB commissioner Bud Selig for not reporting suspicions over the drug use of Barry Bonds. The Giants were apologetic with a spokesman saying next time they will try to give the league a heads up for suspicious signs.

The people in charge of drug testing for MLB say they have the situation under control and offered to give each member of the committee a coupon for a free hot dog and coke at their next game.

With the rash of 1 year contracts being given to players in the baseball off season you wonder if the owners are looking to see if the players have an expiry date. When asked how long it takes steroids to leave the system a spokesperson for a drug company said 1 to 2 years depending on the length of the contract extension.

A new drug for a condition called “restless leg syndrome” is reported to have side effects that include sexual promiscuity and increased gambling or as pro sports teams call it “road trip”. Asked to comment Travis Henry said “that’s it, I have restless leg syndrome”. This may explain why former Los Angeles Rams receiver “Crazy Legs” Hirsh was always smiling.

Randy Moss has denied reports he battered a female companion. In his favour there are no witnesses and he claims his innocence. In her favour she has a part time job as a videographer for the Patriots. Moss says the only thing he is guilty of in a court of law is an accident. If the defence works Roger Clemens will say he accidently fell on syringes... from 1999-2007.

After taking a wicked slap shot off the shoulder in a shootout from Dion Pnaneuf, Minnesota Wild goalie Backstrom might give the blame to Brian Rolston who likes to do the same to opposing goalies. It might have been the reason he couldn’t raise his arm to stop the winner from Iginla.

The Miami Dolphins have announced the hiring of Tony Saprano as their head coach. His first act was to have the offensive line whacked. The good news for the players is he comes with tons of experience the bad new training camp has been moved to an abandoned warehouse in New Jersey.

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is lobbying for entry into the Pebble Beach Pro-Am golf tourney. This is a co-incidence because all of Texas wants to tee off on him and his girlfriend Jessica Simpson.