You auto be a pitcher

Am I the only one who thinks the Tampa Bay Lightening are being set up to be a new chapter in the Saw horror movie franchise?

Former coach Barry Melrose went on a rant describing the meddling by the Tampa Bay owners saying they told him who to play, who to sit and who to axe. Sounds like a good plot. We could call it “Revenge of the hacked off mullet!”

Not to criticize Melrose but if you take a job coaching a team owned by a director, shouldn’t you take a look at the script first?

Tampa Bay owner Len Barrie tried to paint Melrose and an old fashioned coach out of touch with today’s player and had no system. New coach Rick Tocchet was quick to point out he has a system but is not sure if card counting will transfer to the ice.

The NHL owners had a presentation from a couple of economists at their winter meetings nicknamed Doom and Gloom. Organizers planned the event as a bit of comic relief after listening to the financial reports from Phoenix and Florida.

Dallas Cowboy owner Jerry Jones questioned the toughness of his star running back Marion Barber after he missed a game due to a broken pinkie toe. I guess a running back having a broken foot is totally different from a quarterback having a broken hand. As a way to get some perspective can’t Jones have his jaw wired shut so he can see what it is like to lose his meat and potatoes?

Jones later retracted his comments saying he thought Barber was so tough he could shoot himself and still play. A spokesman for Plaxico Burris replied “It’s tougher than you think”.

Top 3 signs CFL Teams are concerned about the financial climate
# 3 – A $14 Coke at a Stadium will now come with 50% off refill coupon
# 2 – Winnipeg Cheerleaders have opened a 1-900 number
# 1 – Watermelon futures are down sharply

Baseball teams are being very cautious with their money during the current free agency period. This has to be the first time the league has ever been charged with a balk.

The NY Yankees are being frugal despite their interest in star pitcher CC Sabathia. The Yankees are holding firm on their offer of no more than 250 times the average wage of an auto worker.

If you feel joy at the pain and suffering of someone the Germans have a word for it Schadenfreude. In Canada we call it following the Leafs.

Because there are so many athletes and owners you could feel Schadenfreude for I am conserving mine for an owner to be named later.

The real difference between European and US football is how the players deal with injuries. A Euro when hit will fall down like a shot whereas when a US player is felled it is usually by an actual bullet. Is it too late to call the Plaxico Burress incident a real thigh slapper?

Chicago Bulls star Derrick Rose was cut for 10 stitches after rolling over on a knife while sleeping. The really difficult part according to Rose was trying to get to sleep at the Club.

Researchers say chemicals in the water are affecting the testosterone level of men and when told of this Boston Celtics Glen “Big Baby” Davis broke into tears on the bench.

The NBA has introduced a line of clothing they say reflects the culture of the game. Designers say the sweatpants will make you look like the real deal but as always caution fans to wear a holster.

The NHL has a clothing line coming out in the spring which will feature work wear based on the Detroit Red Wings and a leisure line modeled on Maple Leaf players.

Despite making lousy cars Detroit auto executives told Congress their pay should not be affected and entered the roster of the Detroit Lions in as evidence.

Wouldn’t a real penalty for Sean Avery be to force him to play 6 more games against Dion Phaneuf?

Wall Street is being hit by a cash crunch; Main Street is pummelled with layoffs and foreclosures and it appears Easy Street is in the midst of a psychiatric meltdown.

Columbus Blue Jacket prospect Stefan Legein lost his passion for hockey over the summer but has since found it while beginning his alternate career at McDonalds.

Legein says he had to decompress after an injury and weigh the pros and cons of a professional career. He came to the conclusion a hockey paycheque would allow him to pay for more pros and he wouldn’t have to work with as many cons.

The Arena Football League is said to be in danger of folding which could be a boon for the CFL. The league says they can always use more QB’s, running backs and popcorn sellers.

Canada’s athlete of the year Chantal Petitclerc is trying to drum up support for the auto industry by asking for a new set of wheels, but is passing on the undercoating.

The US House of Representatives passed a bill that would create a “Car Czar” to oversee the bailout money. The NHL has a similar person to oversee finances but he is more of a “Used Car Czar”. What will it take to put you in a Franchise?

Regina is looking at building a Dome Stadium which will surely end the great tradition of throwing beerballs at opposing teams. Doesn’t this sound like the ultimate roofing job? Maybe they can get an estimate to cover the whole City. If the vote fell on a January snowstorm I think you might get surprising support.

The Governor of Illinois was arrested after wiretaps showed he was trying to extort bribes from groups including the Chicago Cubs. The management for the Cubs balked at his demands saying they could get a decent middle relief pitcher for the millions the Governor was asking.

A 70 year old Indian woman gave birth recently and in an interview credited God, her faith and an accidental meeting with Travis Henry.

The Illinois Governor who tried to sell a Senate seat had to own a piece of the Nashville Predators I just know it.

Gary Bettman came out of the meeting with the Doom and Gloom economic experts surprisingly optimistic about the finances of the NHL. This is the first time a panic was created when a chicken little didn’t say the sky was falling.

Experts feel the comiing economic Tsunami will envelope the world and suck up all of the money in circulation. Bettman was optimistic they were immune to a Tsunami as this known in NHL language as season ticket renewal.

How sad is it that Gary Bettman is the financial voice of calm?

Michael Phelps says he asked his parents to take him off of Ritalin. This is told in his new book “Taking Speed kills your kids speed.”

Michael says he didn’t tell his parents at first and used the money from the sale of his pills to get the gill implants.

The man carrying the gun in the OJ Simpson memorabilia robbery was given a suspended sentence. Asked to comment by CNN a group of OJ experts beat themselves up in a frenzy to get to the microphone.

At the end of each news clip on OJ’s trial I kept waiting to see an advertisement from the American Legal Foundation.

When asked what he felt would suffer the most during his imprisonment OJ replied his short game.

Carolina Panthers owner Jerry Richardson is in need of a heart transplant but won’t be able to get one from fellow NFL owners as they have theirs mortgaged in asset backed securities.