July 21 2007

Don Cherry the spokesman for Cold FX is standing behind the company in its legal problems saying its just an ugly suit. He hopes if anyone is found guilty police will quickly collar them.

Scientists have discovered the queen bee excretes a phernome which makes the worker bees stay at home. A spokesperson for the Cincinnati Bengals is hailing it as a miracle drug. The CFL has a similar type of drug to keep players at home, its called a contract.

8000 Nashville Predator fans turned out for a rally but only 700 bought tickets because as one person said “I thought it was a going away party”. Let me be the first to say “Nashville has left the building”.

Watching Saskatchewan lose to Edmonton was the first time I have ever seen a team beaten by missing a field goal in the 2^nd quarter. You have to hand it to Edmonton because Saskatchewan sure did. A new strategy for teams might be to have them stay in Edmonton if they lose.

Alternative headline for the near riot with angry Chilean players and the police “Red Hot Chili Peppered”.

A former amateur bike racer has accused Tour de France leader Michael Rasmussen of trying to trick him into carrying a bag containing a human made blood substitute. When asked about the man Rasmussen said he was the “type to be negative”.

July 20 2007

Veteran oddsmakers in Vegas are setting the over/under on the number of years NBA referee Tim Donaghy will get if convicted at 3.5.

NBA commissioner David Stern asked for calm pleading with reporters to concentrate on the new Harry Potter book.

I have seen the Sopranos so I wasn’t convinced when the NBA said Donaghy was in with “low level mobsters”. I know when Pussy put the squeeze on someone Tony got a taste of the action.

The arrest puts an end to the NBA’s new slogan “Don of a new Era”.

Maybe the league should take some responsibility for Donaghy’s actions. The people who were in charge supervising looked the other way so many times they have whiplash.

A leopard can’t change his spots but this referee could potentially exchange his stripes.

The scandal will have no affect on the NBA’s expansion plans for Los Vegas with a league spokesman saying they are just waiting “for an offer they can’t refuse”.

WWE chairman Vince McMahon was shocked by the allegations saying “he had no idea referee’s could affect the outcome of a match”.

Former Calgary Stampeders Alondra Johnson and Terry Vaughn have signed one day contracts in order to officially retire with the team. Terms of the contract were not revealed but league officials were said to be waiving the “no supersizing” clause.

Former NY Islander coach Al Arbour has also signed a one day contract in order to reach the 1500 game mark. By having Arbour coach against Pittsburgh, Islanders coach Ted Nolan gives Al the milestone and increases his own winning percentage.

Having Arbour coach one game against the Penguins is either a milestone or a millstone.

Ultimate fighter Hermes Franca has shocked the sports world by admitting he took steroids in order to make money. This has made Hermes the first athlete in history to test positive for telling the truth. Also charged was lightweight champion Sean (muscle shark) Sherk who is blaming it on Charlie Tuna.

In just one day there were drug scandals in UFC, Baseball, Football, Golf, Cycling, and Wrestling a black day in sports which will forever be known as Thursday.

CBC Sports is thrilled with the ratings for the World Cup Under 20 Soccer broadcasts saying they were the second most watched show of the summer just behind paid programming but ahead of to be announced.

The Edmonton Oilers signed defenseman Joni Pitkanen to a one year contract which included a no marriage clause.

PETA held an angry protest outside the NFL offices and let me tell you they were like a dog with a bone.

Alexei Yashin has agreed to terms on a one-year contract with Locomotiv (Yaroslavl) of the Russian League. How bad is it when you can get a super model wife to live in Russia but not Edmonton?

A second Oakland Raider has been suspended 4 games by the NFL. Reached at his home owner Al Davis said “can’t you see I’m too busy worrying about Michael Vick to be concerned”.

Miami Dolphins Joey Porter has been fined $150,000 for starting a fight in Los Vegas which is about $140,000 more than what a UFC fighter makes. Asked to comment Porter brought out the NFL party line “at least I treat my dog right”.

July 19 2007

Sr. golf legend Gary Player says in an interview performance enhancing drugs are becoming a part of golf, listing viagra, rogaine and metamusil as the most often abused.

Tiger Wood says the biggest problem in the PGA is hangovers and credited the number of players driving over 300 yards to improved tees.

I’m sure Tiger is right in saying tradition and fair play is much more important in today’s athlete than millions and millions of dollars.

Gary Sheffield hinted in an interview that Barry Bonds might have used performance enhancing drugs saying if he took them he would look like Barry… crippled.

Gary said he once took something that he placed under his tongue and came from a Pez dispenser shaped like Popeye.

Gary showed his knowledge of steroids saying they could only be injected into a persons butt. Officials with MLB feel the same saying every time someone talks about steroids it becomes a pain in the ass.

In an eerie co-incidence if you goggle steroid symptoms you get a copy of Barry’s injury reports.

NHL free agent Randy Robitaille undertook an unusual training session by running sprints against a horse. After winning most of the races Randy said he was in better shape because the horse only runs after Stampeder touchdowns.

By doing nothing in the free agent market and losing key players it doesn’t take Harry Potter to see the NHL Order of Phoenix will be last. This is said to be the darkest Harry Potter movie of them all to which Wayne Gretzky replied not near as bleak as our power play.

Rexall Drug billionaire Daryl Katz is said to be putting together another bid for the Edmonton Oilers. The bid has been put on hold while results determine if Katz has been sampling his own product.

After the brutal last season and unsucessful free agent hunt maybe having ready access to drugs would be a benefit to the Oilers owner.

The Nashville Predators staged a day long drive to secure an additional 3000 season tickets to save the team from relocation. The slogan for the campaign is “Our Team” which narroly beat out the longer version “Our Team is skating with other teams”.

The Brazilian spectators at the Pan Am Games are incredibly hard competitors competing against the home side. For instance in the marathon they are handing competing runners bottles filled with tequila, they take their own shots at the shooting range and before the open water swim they were all encouraged to flush twice.

The Atlanta Falcons are promising to focus on football after Michael Vick returns from his hearing saying they will keep him on a tight leash.

According to Vicks lawyer the prosecutions case is more bark than bite.

Only Michael Vick could go to the Underdog movie to scout talent.

Toronto announced it will be the host city for the 2008 MLS All Star Game just ahead of news David Beckham has already been selected as a starter.

Eric Lindros is said to be so involved with his work on the NHL Players Association he hasn’t noticed his agent has not yet had an offer. Asked if he thinks this could be his last year Lindros dodged the question, hit his head on a wall and is sidelined for 2 to 4 weeks with concussion like symptoms.

Eric is on the selection committee for the new Head of the Association but maybe he has been KO’d a few too many times because his first choice is Alan Eagleson.

The United States Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) has to destroy ice stockpiled for use in the hurricane Katrina disaster. To make the ice useless they have contracted the NHL maintenance staff for the Florida Panthers.

NY Yankee Roger Clemens is stuck at 2 wins and 4 losses since his return but his supporters are saying his presence in the clubhouse is worth every penny. Asked for a reply Penny said she was doing OK before and for a whole lot less.

July 18 2007

At one point Michael Vick could have run for Governor of Georgia now he would be lucky to get elected dogcatcher.

Asked how his summer was going Vick replied “Ruff”.

The vote to charge Vick was as one juror put it “doggone close”.

Vick had a bone to pick with the system saying locking the jurors up in a room to fight over the evidence was upsetting.

Out of respect for Vick the Falcons have deleted the flea flicker from the playbook.

Surely Vick will now take pause to reflect.

A spokesperson for the UFC says putting animals in a cage and having no holds bar fighting is just plain cruel.

German rider Marcus Burghardt discovered what happens when you hit a dog during the Tour de France…you roll over.

This is the 3rd rider on the same team to be injured resulting in a name change to T-Immobile.

If you were to ask Michael Vick and Marcus Burghardt these really are the dog days of summer.

Listening to Dante Culpepper quote Gandhi upon news of his release from the Miami Dolphins reminds me of another Gandhi quote. “Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and you will be over paid to throw interceptions”.

A football player quoting the pacifist Gandhi is like a porn star citing words from Mother Teresa.

The former coach of Yi Jianlian has stated it would not be in Yi’s best interest to sign with the Milwaukee Bucks saying they already have too many tall players. This directly contradicts earlier reports Yi wouldn’t sign because Milwaukee didn’t have enough short Asians.

Lucky for John McEnroe he doesn’t play tennis any longer because if WTA tennis player Anastasia Rodionova could be forced to default for hitting a ball near some hecklers, John could have gotten life! If that was unsportsmanlike conduct then the orgasmic screams uttered by some of the women should be at least a violation of the privacy act.

The early over under on how many times Jean Van de Velde will be mentioned at this years British Open is 6000. We get it already he hit a bad shot 8 years ago.

The final team standings for the Pan Am games are based solely on the number of gold medals won. This explains why even though the Brazilians have more medals other Countries are waxing them.

Recent statistics show the population of Canada is aging rapidly which could spell doom for the Toronto Argonauts recruiting program.

16 year old hockey sensation John Tavares is not eligible to play professional hockey next year but can sign a qualifying offer with Burger King.

July 17 2007

Rapper Big Boi has designed the uniform for the Grambling University football team but admits he had some concerns on where to put the holster for the run and shoot. The only player to complain was the kicker who said it was hard to launch one with the waist at his ankles. Not quite sure he got the purpose behind the helmet but I have to admit when you wear it backwards it makes a statement.

Michel Therrien has signed an extension with the Pittsburgh Penguins and must know what it feels like to win a golden ticket to Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. Terms of the contract were not released but Therrien is expected to still have visiting rights to his first born.

Watching LeBron James dance at the ESPY awards reminds me I haven’t burned all my MC Hammer records yet.

US Secretary of State Condalesa Rice is said to love playing golf although she has a lot of trouble in sand traps. She decided to take up the game after hearing that soldiers would like to tee off with her. Condalesa is said to be incredibly honest and never asks for a gimmie, do over or mulligan. Despite her love of the game she has passed on an invitation to the Desert Classic. One of her quirks is instead of yelling fore when someone launches one she yells… incoming! Sources say the reporter that asked her if she played a round with Bush is resting comfortably in Gitmo. Someone please stop me…

That Kevin Lowe is crazy like a fox. First he sends out a video of Edmonton to all the restricted free agents wives and then he offers their husbands unrealistic money to sign. Next year they will be the only team with room under the salary cap.

New England Patriot cornerback Asante Samuel and Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs have turned down multi year contracts that would pay them almost twice as much each year as CFL teams can pay for the whole roster. American players are obviously miffed as most of them made more while playing in High School. Asked why they didn’t pay the CFL to be a “farm team” a league spokesperson said “if you are getting the milk for free… why buy the cow?”

Veteran import CFL players are sounding like my dad talking about the “old days” when they reminisce about how little the Canadian dollar was worth. When going to the bank they had to go uphill, barefoot, in snowdrifts against the wind, both ways.

In an effort to soften his image Ron Artest is in Africa helping to distribute rice as part of the NBA’s “Feeding One Million” campaign. Artest is said to be upset with his agent saying I thought it was a "feeding one millionaire” gig. Asked if he felt he was making a difference Artest said he is giving it his best shot.

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman is adamant a franchise in Hamilton isn’t financially viable saying it wouldn’t make a nickel.

July 16 2007

Driver Kelly Sutherland was given a suspension for causing the Calgary Stampede Chuckwagon pile up that claimed three horses and sent a driver to the hospital. According to officials Kelly drove “too aggressively” into the turn causing his horse to collide with the team of Ray Mitsuing. Kelly was contrite saying he made the same turn earlier in the parking lot with excellent results.

As you can imagine PETA was livid calling for the elimination of all events where animals can be harmed. This includes the rodeo events, Chuckwagon races and the beer gardens.

Outrider Chanse Vigen was singled out for his heroic effort in leaping off his horse to stop a driverless wagon. Chase says he had never tried it before but had seen it done in the movie Maverick. For his efforts he was penalized for being late because Stampede officials didn’t want to mess with the integrity of the sport.

Some people are questioning the use of blinders but Stampede officials feel it’s best if they don’t see everything going on.

Actor Ray Romano had an errant shot hit a spectator during the American Century Celebrity Golf Championship so I’m pretty sure not Everyone loves Raymond.

Watching Barry Bonds knock over a clothes hamper is probably the only time we will see him air his dirty laundry in public.

The Philadelphia Phillies have now lost 10,000 games second only to the number of times former Vice President Dan Quayle has been defeated in Scrabble.

Joe Torres had lunch with George Stinbrenner and said there was no discussion on his future and he wasn’t going to read anything into George’s meal of oven fired pizza, cold cuts and toast.

Milwaukee Brewer pitcher Ben Sheets says there is no improvement in the condition of his right middle finger and he is still unable to navigate traffic in New York.

Not sure what was more painful watching Phil Mickelson blow a lead at the Scottish Open or the man blowing the bagpipes at the end. Frenchman Gregory Havret was seen crying after the victory not from happiness but over the waste of good champagne.

The Canadian Men’s Eight Rowing Team won the World Cup in Switzerland. Go figure men’s eight wins.

July 15 2007

I’m as proud as the next Canadian over getting a gold medal at the Pan Am Games but I can remember when mountain biking is what you did to get to your event.

When did swimming 10 kilometers in garbage strewn water qualify as a sport? Hearing the winners on the podium saying “It was OK I had my shots before” should be left to the weightlifters. Swimming 10 kms in polluted water is not a sport it is what you do when your boat sinks in Lake Erie.

David Beckham is not the fastest player, isn’t the best in traffic, has a tendency to get injured and is past his prime. I’m still not convinced he wasn’t signed by the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Not sure which was larger, the American audience for the quarter final game that knocked them out of the Under 20 Soccer World Cup or the number of people watching a thigh master re-run.

The US military is said to be excited at having their weapons used as evil robots in the Transformers movie. Pentagon officials said they got the idea by watching commercials of the NBA featuring Ron Artest and Stephen Jackson.

A spokesperson for United Technologies Paul Jackson said “Did monkeys get a bad reputation for buzzing Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.”. This comment has outraged comics everywhere because if they keep talking like that we will be “Out of work”.

In what has to be a brilliant cross marketing promotion the Hamilton Tiger Cats have teamed up with a comedy club. Feel free to fill in your own punch line…

In order to keep the Champ Car Grand Prix of Edmonton organizers had to re-route the course so that the finish line was at the departures level of the Airport.

Officials with PETA are furious at the number of horses that have died this year at the Calgary Stampede although they did find a bright spot. They are pleased to see the Stampeders are not subjecting their horse to as many touchdown runs this year.

Quarterback Dave Dickenson of the BC Lions was so disoriented after his latest concussion he almost went to cash his cheque at the wrong bank.

With the injury to Michael Bishop, Damon Allen moves to the back-up position for Toronto just ahead of Russ Jackson and Ron Lancaster.

It is with great sadness I heard of the death of John Ferguson after a courageous battle with cancer. Growing up a Toronto Maple Leafs fan (but thankfully reformed) John was the one member of the Montreal Canadians I secretly cheered for. He couldn’t skate too well, had a mediocre shot and took up the game late in his childhood… which gave me hope. To this day I still remember his autobiography and the advice he gave us kids. Don’t leave your beer in the trunk, it will freeze.