Montreal police are being tight lipped about the types of drugs an alleged mobster friend of Canadians players was selling but they quickly ruled out ones that were performance enhancing.
GM Bob Gainey says players are often given gifts to become trophy friends. Players from the Leafs, Chicago Cubs and any Cleveland team say this is not a problem for them.
The Toronto Maple Leafs will raise ticket prices next year the only upward projection for the team in the next few years.
The Leafs say this is necessary due to the increase in the salaries of coaches and management or as they call it non-producing assets.
Things sure have changed in women’s curling from when I was a kid. They should re-name the championship the Scott’s Tournament of Hots. This is the type women that usually give me the brush off.
Tiger Woods is back playing or as the rest of the PGA calls it the beginning of their Depression.
An ethical debate has erupted over the development of a drug that could cure people with developmental disabilities. This could have a drastic impact on those with learning disabilities, dyslexia and of course panel discussions on TSN.
The Alberta Government is spending $25 million to replace the slogan “Alberta Advantage”. Early favourites are “Alberta gateway to Saskatchewan”, “Alberta our sports teams have a beef” and “Alberta move back when we have money”.
Calgary Oilman Brett Wilson is said to be buying a piece of the Nashville Predators after the due diligence by Commissioner Gary Bettman is complete. The reason for the delay is Bettman isn’t used to a potential owner having ties to the game and actual money.
Scientists say they have found the “happy” gene which predicts how a much enjoyment a person will have in life. This gene is dependent on a number of others including the playoff performance gene, point spread gene and understanding wife gene.
Swiss scientists say gamers who grip their consoles too tight run the risk of developing a skin disorder marked by painful lumps on the palms. NHL players who grip their sticks too tight have a similar condition only they display lumps on their statistics.
Showing posts with label Sports Jokes Comedy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sports Jokes Comedy. Show all posts
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Hitting the High Note
Researchers say they have discovered an alarming increase in the amount of estrogen in the water. This is having an effect on male reproduction, muscle mass and the high pitched voices of sports announcers.
I feel bad for my dog because every time the Flames score the announcer on Sportsnet gets so excited my dog comes running home.
A study has shown children’s gestures early in life can predict success. This is especially true for children of professional basketball players as being able to pick their daddy out of a line-up increases the chance he will pay child support.
The University of Calgary will have access to the biggest telescope ever when it is launched later this year. Officials say the telescope is so powerful if you focus it carefully you can see the chance the Leafs have of winning the Stanley Cup again.
The RCMP will review its use of tazers after a number of incidents have questioned the safety of the device; however Leafs GM Brian Burke says it is still an option when the player has a no trade clause.
Bud Selig chastising A-Rod over his steroid use is like Bernie Madeoff saying his $50 billion fraud is the fault of his secretary for getting breast implants.
An expert panel says fighting should be removed from hockey at all levels. The toughest sell will be with Jr. Teams, the NHL and minor hockey parents in the stands.
Toronto coach Wilson being considered as the coach for next year’s Olympic team and to show he is up to the challenge is already calling out Roberto Luongo for letting in soft goals.
I think we should get Oilers GM Ron Lowe to be a part of the Olympic selection process with Leafs GM Brian Burke. I keep hearing GM’s say a little fighting is good for the game and this would be a great way to prove it.
Representatives from the International Olympic Committee have banned the group “Right to Play” from being a part of the 2010 Games in Vancouver. A spokesperson for the IOC says it conflicts with their “Pay to Play” focus.
I know it’s supportive and all but isn’t having your teammates behind you what started this whole steroids mess?
Top 5 signs your team has the wrong captain
# 5 The only closed door meeting he has had with players is over bong etiquette
# 4 Demands a chair like Captain Kirk for him on the sidelines
# 3 Takes the team to the movie Brokeback Mountain for a bit of bonding
# 2 Walks around with a parrot on his shoulder
# 1 Every year he plans his vacation to coincide with the beginning of playoffs
I feel bad for my dog because every time the Flames score the announcer on Sportsnet gets so excited my dog comes running home.
A study has shown children’s gestures early in life can predict success. This is especially true for children of professional basketball players as being able to pick their daddy out of a line-up increases the chance he will pay child support.
The University of Calgary will have access to the biggest telescope ever when it is launched later this year. Officials say the telescope is so powerful if you focus it carefully you can see the chance the Leafs have of winning the Stanley Cup again.
The RCMP will review its use of tazers after a number of incidents have questioned the safety of the device; however Leafs GM Brian Burke says it is still an option when the player has a no trade clause.
Bud Selig chastising A-Rod over his steroid use is like Bernie Madeoff saying his $50 billion fraud is the fault of his secretary for getting breast implants.
An expert panel says fighting should be removed from hockey at all levels. The toughest sell will be with Jr. Teams, the NHL and minor hockey parents in the stands.
Toronto coach Wilson being considered as the coach for next year’s Olympic team and to show he is up to the challenge is already calling out Roberto Luongo for letting in soft goals.
I think we should get Oilers GM Ron Lowe to be a part of the Olympic selection process with Leafs GM Brian Burke. I keep hearing GM’s say a little fighting is good for the game and this would be a great way to prove it.
Representatives from the International Olympic Committee have banned the group “Right to Play” from being a part of the 2010 Games in Vancouver. A spokesperson for the IOC says it conflicts with their “Pay to Play” focus.
I know it’s supportive and all but isn’t having your teammates behind you what started this whole steroids mess?
Top 5 signs your team has the wrong captain
# 5 The only closed door meeting he has had with players is over bong etiquette
# 4 Demands a chair like Captain Kirk for him on the sidelines
# 3 Takes the team to the movie Brokeback Mountain for a bit of bonding
# 2 Walks around with a parrot on his shoulder
# 1 Every year he plans his vacation to coincide with the beginning of playoffs
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Wrap it up!
Quebec Separatists are in an uproar over plans to re-enact the Battle of the Plains of Abraham saying “what kind of country celebrates their defeats?” A spokesman for the Toronto Maple Leafs says they still plan to honour players from the ‘70’s, 80’s, 90’s and forward.
I guess this means no more showing clips from the Montreal Expos.
The US Government is taking toxic assets off balance sheets of financial lenders creating a so called “Bad Bank”. The NHL tried something similar in the 90’s where financially irresponsible salaries were concerned... it was called the NY Rangers.
A British Cabinet Minister is under attack for saying taking the drug ecstasy is no more harmful than horse riding. In Canada equestrian rider Eric Lamaze commented saying it is way more difficult when you do both.
A-Rod says he has grown-up and can now reveal he has taken steroids. Asked if this means he will return some of the money he made under illegal means A-Rod said he has grown up not gotten stupid.
Top 5 signs your teammates were taking steroids
# 5 The 3rd baseman asks you to spot him while he bench presses his car out of the ditch
# 4 You had a .350 average with 45 homers and still batted 7th
# 3 Team hires clubhouse boys just to blow up donuts
# 2 Your end of the year picture was in pinstripes and you don’t play with the Yankees
# 1 Every year a player from your team is named MVP
The US Olympic Committee released a report on the underachieving results for the track and field team and according to people who have seen it say it was less than inspiring.
Sean Avery cleared waivers and now the rest of the NHL players are wondering why he is getting seconds.
A new show scheduled for next year is called Trauma where an arrogant, conceited blow hard abuses his staff while he tries to create a successful team. If I was the Maple Leafs I would sue for infringement of intellectual property.
The proliferation of poker as a sport on TV makes financial sense for the networks but I’m going to have to say check.
With Guy Lafleur and Patrick Roy being dragged into legal proceeding because of their sons maybe the best defense for a retired NHL’er is not a good offense it’s a condom.
The former girlfriend of baseball player Roberto Alomar is suing him for having unprotected sex. This is one of the times a player was charged for not corking his bat.
With the economy being so bad people are being forced to make entertainment decisions such as in Calgary where we have the choice between tickets to Cheech and Chongs tour or listening to Michael Phelps.
Being single must be tough for girlfriends of pro athletes. For example at Valentines Day do you give the bad news about the AIDS or pregnancy tests in a card or a gift wrapped lawsuit?
If girlfriends are now going to be allowed to sue athletes whenever they say “trust me” this could be the ultimate stimulus package for the economy.
Who would have thought that by not opening the condom package you could stimulate both yourself and the economy?
Quebec aerospace company Bombardier has revealed the new design of the Olympic torch. In keeping with the theme of the Winter Games the torch is shaped like a snow drift and as a nod to Quebec is powered by burning taxpayers’ money.
One of the difficult aspects of the torch was finding a tasteful way to add “Stephen Harper Sucks” in the snowflakes.
A new Stonehenge that is a calendar 5000 years old was discovered in Alberta. This is proof there was intelligent life in Alberta before the Sutter clan.
The striped throwback uniforms the Montreal Canadians and Toronto Maple Leafs played in required the NHL to get permission from the Cincinnati Bengals as they are the offseason jail attire of the team.
The toughest catch at the Superbowl was the poor roadie who nearly dropped Bruce Springsteen's high and outside toss of his guitar.
Now we know why Michael Phelps was eating 8000 calories a day, the munchies.
I guess it’s more accurate to call Phelps a rolling model as compared to a role model.
Roger Goodell says the Toronto NFL experiment was a smash success except for the ticket prices which at 10x the regular price of other teams needs to be increased due to the poor exchange rate.
The world’s longest snake was found in Columbia. As a way to measure it you could lay 10 player agents lengthwise and it still would be the largest snake.
Top 5 signs your trainer injected you with steroids
# 5 He can draw your rear end from memory
# 4 He buys hats that have Velcro for expansion
# 3 His nickname is “Needles”
# 2 His previous job was a trainer for horses
# 1 The only piece of ass he has gotten lately is yours
I guess this means no more showing clips from the Montreal Expos.
The US Government is taking toxic assets off balance sheets of financial lenders creating a so called “Bad Bank”. The NHL tried something similar in the 90’s where financially irresponsible salaries were concerned... it was called the NY Rangers.
A British Cabinet Minister is under attack for saying taking the drug ecstasy is no more harmful than horse riding. In Canada equestrian rider Eric Lamaze commented saying it is way more difficult when you do both.
A-Rod says he has grown-up and can now reveal he has taken steroids. Asked if this means he will return some of the money he made under illegal means A-Rod said he has grown up not gotten stupid.
Top 5 signs your teammates were taking steroids
# 5 The 3rd baseman asks you to spot him while he bench presses his car out of the ditch
# 4 You had a .350 average with 45 homers and still batted 7th
# 3 Team hires clubhouse boys just to blow up donuts
# 2 Your end of the year picture was in pinstripes and you don’t play with the Yankees
# 1 Every year a player from your team is named MVP
The US Olympic Committee released a report on the underachieving results for the track and field team and according to people who have seen it say it was less than inspiring.
Sean Avery cleared waivers and now the rest of the NHL players are wondering why he is getting seconds.
A new show scheduled for next year is called Trauma where an arrogant, conceited blow hard abuses his staff while he tries to create a successful team. If I was the Maple Leafs I would sue for infringement of intellectual property.
The proliferation of poker as a sport on TV makes financial sense for the networks but I’m going to have to say check.
With Guy Lafleur and Patrick Roy being dragged into legal proceeding because of their sons maybe the best defense for a retired NHL’er is not a good offense it’s a condom.
The former girlfriend of baseball player Roberto Alomar is suing him for having unprotected sex. This is one of the times a player was charged for not corking his bat.
With the economy being so bad people are being forced to make entertainment decisions such as in Calgary where we have the choice between tickets to Cheech and Chongs tour or listening to Michael Phelps.
Being single must be tough for girlfriends of pro athletes. For example at Valentines Day do you give the bad news about the AIDS or pregnancy tests in a card or a gift wrapped lawsuit?
If girlfriends are now going to be allowed to sue athletes whenever they say “trust me” this could be the ultimate stimulus package for the economy.
Who would have thought that by not opening the condom package you could stimulate both yourself and the economy?
Quebec aerospace company Bombardier has revealed the new design of the Olympic torch. In keeping with the theme of the Winter Games the torch is shaped like a snow drift and as a nod to Quebec is powered by burning taxpayers’ money.
One of the difficult aspects of the torch was finding a tasteful way to add “Stephen Harper Sucks” in the snowflakes.
A new Stonehenge that is a calendar 5000 years old was discovered in Alberta. This is proof there was intelligent life in Alberta before the Sutter clan.
The striped throwback uniforms the Montreal Canadians and Toronto Maple Leafs played in required the NHL to get permission from the Cincinnati Bengals as they are the offseason jail attire of the team.
The toughest catch at the Superbowl was the poor roadie who nearly dropped Bruce Springsteen's high and outside toss of his guitar.
Now we know why Michael Phelps was eating 8000 calories a day, the munchies.
I guess it’s more accurate to call Phelps a rolling model as compared to a role model.
Roger Goodell says the Toronto NFL experiment was a smash success except for the ticket prices which at 10x the regular price of other teams needs to be increased due to the poor exchange rate.
The world’s longest snake was found in Columbia. As a way to measure it you could lay 10 player agents lengthwise and it still would be the largest snake.
Top 5 signs your trainer injected you with steroids
# 5 He can draw your rear end from memory
# 4 He buys hats that have Velcro for expansion
# 3 His nickname is “Needles”
# 2 His previous job was a trainer for horses
# 1 The only piece of ass he has gotten lately is yours
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
July 18 2007
At one point Michael Vick could have run for Governor of Georgia now he would be lucky to get elected dogcatcher.
Asked how his summer was going Vick replied “Ruff”.
The vote to charge Vick was as one juror put it “doggone close”.
Vick had a bone to pick with the system saying locking the jurors up in a room to fight over the evidence was upsetting.
Out of respect for Vick the Falcons have deleted the flea flicker from the playbook.
Surely Vick will now take pause to reflect.
A spokesperson for the UFC says putting animals in a cage and having no holds bar fighting is just plain cruel.
German rider Marcus Burghardt discovered what happens when you hit a dog during the Tour de France…you roll over.
This is the 3rd rider on the same team to be injured resulting in a name change to T-Immobile.
If you were to ask Michael Vick and Marcus Burghardt these really are the dog days of summer.
Listening to Dante Culpepper quote Gandhi upon news of his release from the Miami Dolphins reminds me of another Gandhi quote. “Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and you will be over paid to throw interceptions”.
A football player quoting the pacifist Gandhi is like a porn star citing words from Mother Teresa.
The former coach of Yi Jianlian has stated it would not be in Yi’s best interest to sign with the Milwaukee Bucks saying they already have too many tall players. This directly contradicts earlier reports Yi wouldn’t sign because Milwaukee didn’t have enough short Asians.
Lucky for John McEnroe he doesn’t play tennis any longer because if WTA tennis player Anastasia Rodionova could be forced to default for hitting a ball near some hecklers, John could have gotten life! If that was unsportsmanlike conduct then the orgasmic screams uttered by some of the women should be at least a violation of the privacy act.
The early over under on how many times Jean Van de Velde will be mentioned at this years British Open is 6000. We get it already he hit a bad shot 8 years ago.
The final team standings for the Pan Am games are based solely on the number of gold medals won. This explains why even though the Brazilians have more medals other Countries are waxing them.
Recent statistics show the population of Canada is aging rapidly which could spell doom for the Toronto Argonauts recruiting program.
16 year old hockey sensation John Tavares is not eligible to play professional hockey next year but can sign a qualifying offer with Burger King.
Asked how his summer was going Vick replied “Ruff”.
The vote to charge Vick was as one juror put it “doggone close”.
Vick had a bone to pick with the system saying locking the jurors up in a room to fight over the evidence was upsetting.
Out of respect for Vick the Falcons have deleted the flea flicker from the playbook.
Surely Vick will now take pause to reflect.
A spokesperson for the UFC says putting animals in a cage and having no holds bar fighting is just plain cruel.
German rider Marcus Burghardt discovered what happens when you hit a dog during the Tour de France…you roll over.
This is the 3rd rider on the same team to be injured resulting in a name change to T-Immobile.
If you were to ask Michael Vick and Marcus Burghardt these really are the dog days of summer.
Listening to Dante Culpepper quote Gandhi upon news of his release from the Miami Dolphins reminds me of another Gandhi quote. “Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and you will be over paid to throw interceptions”.
A football player quoting the pacifist Gandhi is like a porn star citing words from Mother Teresa.
The former coach of Yi Jianlian has stated it would not be in Yi’s best interest to sign with the Milwaukee Bucks saying they already have too many tall players. This directly contradicts earlier reports Yi wouldn’t sign because Milwaukee didn’t have enough short Asians.
Lucky for John McEnroe he doesn’t play tennis any longer because if WTA tennis player Anastasia Rodionova could be forced to default for hitting a ball near some hecklers, John could have gotten life! If that was unsportsmanlike conduct then the orgasmic screams uttered by some of the women should be at least a violation of the privacy act.
The early over under on how many times Jean Van de Velde will be mentioned at this years British Open is 6000. We get it already he hit a bad shot 8 years ago.
The final team standings for the Pan Am games are based solely on the number of gold medals won. This explains why even though the Brazilians have more medals other Countries are waxing them.
Recent statistics show the population of Canada is aging rapidly which could spell doom for the Toronto Argonauts recruiting program.
16 year old hockey sensation John Tavares is not eligible to play professional hockey next year but can sign a qualifying offer with Burger King.
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