To Pee or Not to Pee

In an effort to keep children from harm Schools in Canada have banned the book The Golden Compass and the 2007 Miami Dolphin s playbook.

Singer Paula Abdul had her urine stolen recently and in a related story Roger Clemens has turned in a clean urine sample although it is showing he is pre-menopausal.

NHLPA Paul Kelly says he feels the union should be consulted on suspensions. That way they can have the time to properly script the outrage in advance of the suspension. Paul says the union might be in favour of heavier sentences especially against players not toting the unions’ party line.

Marion Gaberick scored five goals in a game this week and Minnesota Wild players thought it was the start of a new offensive philosophy, but it was a trap.

Recent post from the diary of disgraced track star Marion Jones, “Started training, what a pain in the ass”.

Roger Clemens says he will tell all in a 60 minutes interview in the New Year. Roger will deny using steroids and then break a bat over the head of the cameraman for shooting him too tight. With all the evidence how can you not think Roger was in the clear?

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Rom is denying reports Jessica Simpson is affecting his game. Tony says Jessica has her hands full ruining her own career. As a punishment for his poor performance against Philadelphia, Romo was forced to watch video of both the game and Jessica’s new movie Blond Ambition.

Due to the recent reports of athletes abusing performance enhancing drugs YouTube is creating a new category called denials.

Dallas Cowboy receiver Patrick Crayton was happy the team finished ahead of Green Bay because “We do not want to play in Saskatchewan”. This is the first time Saskatchewan has been uttered by an American athlete not trying to answer a question on Jeopardy

Kobe Bryant was the fastest NBA player to reach 20,000 points and the first one to do it without acknowledging any teammate had a hand in the feat. Kobe was so happy he bought his wife some jewelery for no particular reason.

Best Before Date

The Vancouver Canucks are saying Coach Marc Crawford has already paid for his involvement on the attack on Steve Moore. He’s coaching LA isn’t that punishment enough?

The performance drug question seems to be having an effect on signings for MLB players. Instead of multiyear contracts owners seem to be sticking to the drug manufacturers recommended 1 year shelf life.

Chris Simon received 30 games for trying to saw off a player’s leg but in the spirit of the season will still be invited to carve the NY Islanders Christmas turkey.

After winning 6 games in a row on a brutal road trip the Calgary Flames are trying to re-create the feeling by having their loved ones serve them room service.

Terrell Owens says Jessica Simpson is a distraction to Tony Romo and for his outburst there goes Owens chances of being named Employee of the Month. Jessica’s latest movie is so bad it is going direct to video except in Texas where the screening has been a boon to tomato sellers.

Miles Fly By

Alex Medvedev is considering starting a new professional hockey league to compete with the NHL. Sources say the league will be made up of European players who want to stay home, NHL players who want a smaller schedule and former Toronto Maple Leaf first round picks.

Top 3 Reasons to sign with the new Russian Hockey League
# 3 No Chris Simon or Sean Avery
# 2 Sounds cool to make over 20 million Rubles a year
# 1 Even marginal players can be a Czar

Dallas Cowboy safety Roy Williams was suspended for an illegal horse collar tackle which would have probably been overlooked if he hadn’t bit the players’ ear as well.

Roger Clemmons says he should be given the benefit of the doubt which is OK because no one can doubt he was the one to benefit most from using steroids. Clemmons says the only growth hormones he used came from good old chemically enhanced Texas beef.

Five Atlanta Falcons were fined for wearing T Shirts saying “Please Michael...take me with you!”

Listening to all the player explanations of how they only took steroids for medical reasons reminds me of the Steve Martin routine on using pot...”I only used it in the late mid early evenings... but never at dusk”

If steroids are so helpful at getting people better how come Doctors never tell you to take two shots in the ass and call me in the morning?

I’m not sure if NY Knicks coach Isiah Thomas learned anything from his sexual harassment trial as he has a pair of nylons hanging up for Santa to fill. Have to love how NY fans have got into the spirit of the season because it’s not easy to sing “Fire Isiah” to the tune of Jingle Bells.

Part owner Michael Jordon of the Charlotte Bobcats stepped onto the court to show the players a couple of things. He mostly concentrated on driving the lane, setting a pick and bluffing with Queen-Nine off suit.

Watching Chris Simon have another rage induced meltdown makes me glad the NHL tests so strenuously for steroid use. On the scale of what to look for in steroid use Simon makes the diagnosis simple.

Todd Bertuzzi says he broke the neck of Steve Moore because if he didn’t he would have had a pretty long week. I agree because I once didn’t break someone’s neck and the week was just hell.

Bertuzzi at first declined to repeat the words he used during the attack because being such a classy guy he was worried about the sensitive ears of the women in the room. Wow a misogynist and coward who would have guessed the two could exist in the same person?

Formula 1 driver Lewis Hamilton had his driver’s license suspended for a month after being caught speeding. In his defence Hamilton said he thought one of the other drivers was trying to pass him but it turned out to be an airplane.

Florida State is suspending 25 players from an upcoming Bowl game after they were caught cheating. Officials say they are upset the players didn’t just trust the teachers to adjust their marks like usual. The players said they only cheated to have a better chance of making the New England Patriots.

The Montreal Alouettes have hired a coach with no CFL experience which is being condemned by the other coaches who say they can only keep the lines pure by in-breeding.

Former Seattle Mariner Julio Mateo pleaded guilty to assaulting his wife but asked for forgiveness saying at no point did he take drugs to help his performance.

Sicko for a Decade

After breaking his wrist in 3 places Toronto Maple Leafs defenseman Bryan McCabe became the first member of the team to record a hat trick.

A new survey says Canadians drink more than ever which is easily explained by the increase in the number of sports writers.

After getting into a fight and taking it out on the penalty box Philadelphia Phantoms Steve Downie is being told to take steroids to reduce his rage.

Calgary Flames coach Mike Keenan won his 600th game this week and to celebrate the team had a party in which he pulled the caterers half way through it.

NY Islanders forward Chris Simon is in trouble after he stepped on the ankle of Jarkku Ruutu. In his defence Simon says his coach asked him to step up his game.

Philadelphia Flyers forward Mike Richards signed a 12 year contract or as Rick Dipietro called it a good start.

NY Yankee Andy Pettitte admitted taking growth hormones but only because he was injured. This line of reasoning was quickly picked up by Roger Clemmons who said he had a cold from 1996 until yesterday.

With 8 teams failing to score over 10 points this weekend it appears the NFL has embraced the neutral turf trap. You know it’s been a bad week for scoring when Jerome Iginla had more points than Tom Brady.

You know Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo was having a bad game when his girlfriend Jessica Simpson questioned his play calls.

Former Chicago Bears lineman Todd Burger was arrested for his role in an internet gambling site. Sources say the former guard was in charge of protecting the site and getting the quarters back.

Chris Simon is taking time off for personal reasons after he stepped on the ankle of Jarkku Ruutu and apologized to his teammates for his decision to cut and run.

Alex Rodriguez says he “turned white as a ghost” when he heard his agent say he was turning down the NY Yankees offer. Later he re-signed a contract that turned him back to his normal shade of green.

After being shut out in Cleveland the Buffalo Bills had to take a bus home as their plane like the offence was grounded.

Last year Dallas quarterback Tony Romo had singer Carrie Underwood in a luxury box, this year it is actress Jessica Simpson and next year plans are underway to have Paris Hilton fill the slot. There is word Jessica will release a new song that will put the sexy a quarter back.

Chinese Ping Pong player Ma Lin doesn’t understand why the sport is not bigger in North America. The answer is simple most sports in North America are already a racket played with small balls.

Brian Sean Griffith, a former bodyguard to figure skater Tonya Harding who admitted a role in the attack on her rival Nancy Kerrigan during Olympics tryouts, has died. Friends say Griffith was never the same after the event and up until the end couldn’t get a break.

Hats off to Barry

The Calgary Flames are blaming part of their troubles on bad ice which is like the Miami Dolphins blaming their troubles on poorly painted end zone stripes. In fairness I have to agree the ice is bad. There are more bad bounces at a Flames game than a Roscoe Tanner cheque.

The Anaheim Ducks have to move about $1 million worth of salary to make it possible for Scott Niedermayer to return to the team or about 25% of what Todd Bertuzzi is scheduled to make for his history with Brian Burke. Word is the Ducks will try to unload a player, demote someone to the minors or blame it all on Kevin Lowe.

The NHL players are trying to offset their carbon footprint by having players pay $29 a ton for credits. This measure is popular with most players except Keith Tkahuck who wants to know if it is based on his weight.

The Vancouver Canucks are denying reports that then coach Marc Crawford ordered someone on the team to “get” Steve Moore. They feel the whole thing is just a dyslexic mix up when they were asking the team to “get more out of Steve”.

Barry Bonds showed up for court with 6 lawyers saying they each had a different hat to wear.

Tiger Woods wife Elin Nordegren Woods was awarded $182,000 for the fake nude pictures of her that appeared in an Irish magazine. Told of the award Toronto Maple Leafs forward Jiri Thisty said he plans to sue as well claiming the nude pictures of him did not live up to the real thing.

Former MLB player David Segui admitted to taking both growth hormones and steroids although in his defence he said he played most of his Little League years “clean”.

Speculation is Michael Vick received a harsh sentence because the judge in his case was a dog owner which is like saying Conrad Black was treated badly because his judge read the newspaper and Robert Pickton fell into the hands of a pig loving judge.

Vinnie Testaverte said Michael Vick doesn’t have to worry after he gets out of prison because he will still have his best 15 years ahead of him. I feel sorry for the loved ones Vick will leave behind the season ticket holders of the Atlanta Falcons who thought they had a contender.

Minor league baseball player Raul Padron was suspended for 50 games for violating the ban on performance enhancing drugs. The ban would have been longer but with a 228 batting average and 13 home runs it was felt he wasn’t taking the recommended dosage.

Nathalie Lambert was named Canada’s Chef de Mission for the 2010 Olympic Games narrowly beating out Chef Ramsay and the Iron Chef.

The New England Patriots are 27 point favourites over the NY Jets which is the biggest pre-game spread since William “The Refrigerator” Perry went to an all you can eat buffet.

The Green Bay Packers are upset about the low hit on their quarterback Brett Favre and have asked the NFL to review the film saying it was clearly below the walker.

There seems to be a lot of 1 year deals being made with MLB players as the owners are reluctant to tie up money for a long period of time and players have to console themselves by making a lifetime’s wages before insanity resumes to the process.

With Tim Tebow winning the Heisman Trophy football coaches are now looking for quarterbacks who can run, throw and chew gum at the same time. The ideal quarterback according to scouts now is a Michael Vick type without the rabid temper.

Madison Gardens and NY Knicks Coach Isaiah Thomas agreed to pay $11.5 million in an out of court sexual harassment settlement. The amount was determined by using a percentage of the amount NBA players spend at strip clubs each year in NY. Thomas says the settlement clearly shows he is innocent and then left to do some jewellery shopping for his wife.

NBA forward Ron Artest was so happy to win his civil trial resulting from a brawl in the stands of a game he fired a 21 gun salute at a favourite Nightclub.

The International Olympic Committee will wait to award some of the medals from previous Games until they have talked with BALCO CEO Victor Conte about possible steroid use by winners. The Games in question are the ones in 2004, 2000, 1998 1994 and most of the ‘80’s and ‘70’s.

The IOC has refused a request by Tibet to have a team compete in the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing. A statement released by the IOC says Tibet will have to be content to be at one with themselves.

Top 3 ways athletes can deal with the polluted air in Beijing
# 3 Remember to chew air thoroughly before swallowing
# 2 Start training now during downtown rush hour traffic
# 1 After Games are over request new lungs from Chinese prison organ “donor”

OOOOOOOOH Henry!

There is just something about the new coach of the Calgary Stampeders that reminds me of the Godfather. Maybe it was his pitch to the players of an offer they can’t refuse.

A new report from Statistics Canada says 1 in 5 Canadians were born elsewhere and 50% of those were fathered by Travis Henry.

It turns out Travis Henry did not have marijuana in his system but according to 8 of the 11 mothers of his children he must have some performance enhancing help.

Edmonton is swooning over Sidney Crosby coming to town as they say they are in the best position to judge how Sid compares with the great one Wayne Gretzky. Fans say they will wait until he plays to pass judgement and more important how he handles himself when he leaves.

Minnesota Vikings defensive end Ray Edwards was suspended for 4 games for violating the league’s steroid policy. In his defence Edwards said he got the pills from Doc while taking the Love Boat cruise.

Miami Dolphins linebacker Zack Thomas will miss the next game with migraines. The condition appears to be contagious as most of the Dolphin fans complain of headaches after watching them.

The Government of Scotland is stepping in to try and revive a golf development proposed by Donald Trump. Legislators hope to avoid the Donald pulling the rug from under the deal.

Merry Dickmas

The Washington Redskins started with 10 men on defence instead of 11 in tribute to recently slain teammate Sean Taylor. After running a play right at the empty spot Denver Broncos coach Dick Jauron lived up to his name...Dick.

Baseball Veterans Committee elected 4 new members including 3 owners and a former commissioner. Asked why former union leader Marvin Miller was again excluded the Veterans said he didn’t meet the criteria of reducing costs, making obscene amounts of money for the owners or being in the pockets of an owner.

Scott Suggs became the first angler to cash a $1,000,000 cheque when he landed 7 bass for a total of 17 lbs. in a recent tournament. Second prize went to a fisherman from Newfoundland who landed 780 lbs. of cod and took home $39.99.

The New Jersey Devils are on a 7 game winning streak which coincided with Coach Brent Sutter using some of his junior tactics namely bed checks, curfews and weapons checks.

The Calgary Hitmen set a new record when over 26,000 teddy bears were thrown at a recent game. This eclipsed the record of 29,000 towels thrown in by Calgary Flames fans on Saturday. There hasn’t been so much fur flying in Calgary since the Stampeders lost to the Roughriders.

The Toronto Blue Jays showed off new powder blue uniforms to keep in synch with their powder puff line-up.

Canada begins its journey for another Jr. Hockey Gold medal and to help the players deal with the pressure they Hockey Canada has signed a promotional deal with Tums.

The Calgary Stampeders signed John Huffnagel to coach the team and in his first speech said he wants to eliminate bad football. John says he hopes to make Calgary a tougher place to play by taking less penalties, creating more turnovers and finding a place for the new Cowboys Nightclub to open.

A new game making the rounds is the Philadelphia Flyers bingo. Once all the Flyers have been suspended opponents get a blackout.

A Century of Obscurity

This is my 100th post and to both my fans I say thanks!

Former hockey great Theo Fleury is looking to create a reality TV show from his new concrete business. This will be the 1^st reality show dealing with concrete since The Sopranos.

The NHL is looking to revamp the schedule for the 2008 season with each team playing each other once and the Calgary Flames fighting against each other nightly.

NHL Commissioner Gary Berrman has said he is not in favour of competing in the 2014 Winter Olympics. This has outraged members of the Oilers, Flames and Leafs who demand to be able to under perform on a bigger stage.

Stunt man Evel Kenevel died at age 69 and after the many near fatal injuries he sustained during his career the biggest leap he made was to collect his social security cheque. Evel leaves behind grieving friends, family and an inconsolable insurance agent.

The Australian Open Tennis Tournament has decided to suspend play once the heat becomes too great. This will not extend to opponents of Alicia Molik who will have to play her despite the fact she is smoking hot no matter what the temperature.

The Minnesota Wild have announced the retirement of Wes Waltz bringing to an end the saga of Where Waltz Go.

New Jersey Devils goalie Martin Brodeur has set a new record for shutouts erasing the previous one set by Toronto Maple Leafs GM John Ferguson Jr. on Draft Day.

The 4 teenagers charged in the death of Sean Taylor all had previous criminal records but surprisingly not one was a member of the Miami Hurricanes.

The Calgary Flames are having such a bad year the Alberta and Canadian Governments are asking them to lower the flags on their jerseys to half mast.

Two of the defendants in the dog fighting trial of Michael Vick were sentenced to 18 and 21 months in prison or in dog years enough time to find a bitch.

After being booed by the NY Knicks home crowd coach Isaiah Thomas is now claiming he is a victim of harassment.

Isn’t it ironic Hulk Hogan now will be having the shirt ripped off his back in a divorce settlement?

The NHL is considering an 84 game schedule which will mean for the first time the playoffs will end just in time for training camp. With the drop in TV viewers for NHL games more games is like getting your kid to sit at the table until his turnips are finished.

The Commercial Cup

The Vancouver 2010 Olympic Games has picked their mascots with Miga, Quatchi and Sumi just beating out the trio of Hippie, Happy and Hempie.

During the Grey Cup CBC announcers Mark Lee and Chris Walby must have thought CFL commissioner Masrk Cohon was going to try for a field goal by the way they were licking his boots during the game.

The CBC ended its 55 year run of broadcasting the Grey Cup and it appeared they were bent on making up for all the commercials they forgot to air over the years.

Hard to say what was greeted with more yawns, the announcement of a new Middle East Peace talks or the Toronto Maple Leafs management circus.

Who would have thought Miami Dolphins running back Rickey Williams would be unable to play because his arm was out of joint?

DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!

Leaving David Beckham on the bench for the first half of a critical Euro League Soccer game would be like sitting Wayne Gretzky for an important Olympic shootout.

England losing in an important soccer match is like Toronto losing in an important hockey game, expected.

Seeing the best sailing race in the world being postponed by lawyers fighting over the rules I finally see why it is called America’s Cup.

The Royal Bank of Canada is suing former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick over money he is supposed to owe them. A spokesperson for Vick say that the amount is so small it is not worth kibbling over.

OJ Simpson is going to trial over sports memorabilia, Pete Rose is being persecuted for signing baseballs saying I”I cheated” and Barry Bonds is going to face his former collectable partner in court over his alleged perjury. Going to jail as a result of sports paraphernalia is the new signing of the times.

One of the people scheduled to testify about Bonds steroid use is his ex girlfriend who is in a unique position to discuss shrinkage.

Seeing Saskatchewan Roughriders quarterback Kerry Joseph agree to take a $150,000 pay cut to play for the team makes me remember what sports is all about, playing a game for a still ridiculous amount of money. Kerry said he was happy to take the pay cut and is just hoping the officials with the Riders gave him the actual negatives.

Asked if he would take a huge pay cut Calgary Stampeders quarterback Henry Burris said he just wants to focus on the Grey Cup and then leave for a 2 month holiday. The other quarterbacks in the league couldn’t be reached for comment as they were busy sticking Kerry Joseph Voodoo Dolls with pins.

The sentencing of former NY Mets clubhouse drug dealer Kirk Radomski has been re-scheduled until later in December. Asked why the delay prosecutors were reported to have said they just wanted something for Barry Bonds Christmas stocking.

1st Down and Looong!

Top 3 Signs your prison cellmate was a pro football player
#3 Before a rampage asks prisoners to huddle up
#2 When asked to pass the shiv tells you to go long
#1 Has spent time in solitary for illegal use of the hands

Mike Tyson was issued standard pink underwear for his one day stay in prison despite his insistence he was a boxer man. The prison Tyson was in is located next to a dog pound or as Michael Vick called it Hell.

Green Bay Packers are denying reports they offered a bounty for defensive players instead calling it a head tax. In a related story the Edmonton Oilers are denying reports they offer players incentives to live in Edmonton.

Tennessee Titans suspended defensive lineman Packman Jones is defending himself against allegations he started a fight with a teammate earlier this week. According to Jones he was just trying to keep himself in playing shape.

Toronto Maple Leafs GM John Ferguson Jr. is pointing out his recent draft success especially seeing the potential in goalie Tuukka Rask.

After years of waiting for a Grey Cup Saskatchewan Roughrider fans are hoping to hear the theme song from deliverance on Sunday.

In an effort to crack down on drug use in Canada the Government has come up with new laws that include stiffer sentences, more dedicated police and a regulation limiting the number of NFL stars allowed on the Toronto Argonauts.

Going for Green

After leaking the news that they were going to replace Coach Tom Higgins with John Huffnagel before the start of their playoff game the Calgary Stampeders are now saying they will not officially announce the signing until after the Grey Cup. This will give the team time to get all three rings of the circus in order.

The St. Louis Blues are creating a bronze statue of Al MacInnis which will still be more difficult to get around than the Calgary Flames defense.

After signing a big money contract it appears Calgary Flames goalie Mikka Kipprusof has come down with (Roman) Tureks syndrome. The only difference between Tureks syndrome and Turrets syndrome is that the swearing comes from the fans.

Michael Vick turned himself in early for prison saying he hoped his actions would show that you can teach an old dog a new trick. Vick says he wanted to be in prison before Christmas to beat the Holiday rush.

Mike Tyson spent one day in jail for a DUI charge and later phoned Lindsay Lohan to swap prison tales. Asked how he was able to get out early Tyson said he managed to get the ear of the warden.

Toronto is fighting for the right to hold the 100th Grey Cup game but are asking for the game to be played at 8:00 AM so it doesn’t conflict with the NFL pre game show on TV.

I love how the “Big City” media are quick to jump on the Winnipeg-Saskatchewan fans as being dim, uncultured hicks unlike the refined fans from Edmonton, Montreal and Vancouver who nearly burned down their Cities while celebrating sporting events. I guess they are right because fans in the prairies tend to pick weeds instead of smoking them and drink coke instead of snorting it.

You have to wonder who are more gullible, fans from the prairies or refined scalpers from Toronto who hoped to make money buying Grey Cup tickets.

Seattle Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck received electrical stimulation on his ribs to help him play on Sunday prompting the RCMP to issue a press release extolling the health benefits of a good tasering.

Canadian Olympic Athletes will be rewarded if they finish with a medal in upcoming games. Gold medals will be worth $20,000, silver $ 15,000 and bronze $ 10,000 while those finishing 4th will be scorned for their lack of patriotism. Olympic officials say they wanted to extend an olive branch to winners but they demanded cash instead.

New slogan for Canada’s Olympic athletes “Who wants to be a Thousandaire?”

Olympic officials were divided on how to motivate athletes with some in favor of cash incentives for medals and others supporting the idea of increasing the deposit for returned bottles.

Asked how they would spend the money athletes in Saskatchewan said they would put it towards a house, in Manitoba they would buy a car and in B.C. they would get a tall mocachino non fat latte with extra foam.

A spokesperson for former PM Brian Mulroney was outraged saying to pay for performance goes against everything Mr. Mulroney stands for.

Top 3 Signs the Riders are in the Grey Cup
#3 Watermelons are considered the years best cash crop
#2 Toronto sports writers are running out of adjectives for hillbilly
#1 The last person leaving Sask. For Toronto is being asked to turn off the lights

Grass Attack

Eric Lindros has shown maturity in announcing his retirement and a surprising amount of honesty when he back dated it to his time with the Maple Leafs.

Wonder if Patrick Roy flinched when he heard Al MacInnis was headed for the Hall of Fame with him?

Toronto Maple Leafs forward Darcy Tucker is scheduled to be in an episode of Little Mosque on the Prairie tentatively titled “Allah I want is to stop getting injured”.

A letter leaked to the media says former Colorado Avalanche forward Steve Moore’s lawyer, Tim Danson had his offer of a handshake snubbed by the group representing Todd Bertuzzi. Lawyer Geoffrey Adair who represents Bertuzzi later clarified the snub saying he offered him a “Gordie Howe Handshake”.

In an effort to recoup the cost of recent player signings the Calgary Flames and Edmonton Oilers announced ticket prices will now be tied to the price of oil.

I’m not sure what will be more memorable the victory by the Saskatchewan Party or the party after a Saskatchewan victory.

Reports out of Calgary say former quarterback John Hufnagel has agreed to a 6 year deal to coach the Stampeders. The news came as a surprise to current head coach Tom Higgins who thought John was in town to scout for a new location for a Cowboys Nightclub.

Finally my girlfriend has become a hockey fan and she even has a screen saver of her favorite hockey player Jiri Tlusty. The Maple Leafs tried a new line combination in practice with Tlusty between Chip and Dale. If Tlusty uploaded naked pictures on Facebook what was he sending to Buttbook?

NY Rangers John Avery denies he was making fun of the cancer that has affected Toronto Maple Leafs Jason Blake. Avery says the reason for the pre-game scuffle was the Leafs Darcy Tucker crossed over the centre ice line without saying “Mother may I?”

In an effort to create some interest in the NHL in California Fox Sports has asked people to name the rivalry between the LA Kings and Anaheim Ducks. Among the suggestions were “Freeway Faceoff”, “Crosstown Showdown” and “I can’t believe it’s not Baseball”.

The Nashville Predators were going to announce a deal to sell their team on Friday but it was delayed when for some unknown reason the businessmen buying the team were unable to contact each other on their Blackberries.

A poll in Calgary says only 65% of people are happy living in the City and of those 75% are Saskatchewan Roughrider fans. The Roughriders practiced with loud speakers on the sidelines this week. Initially it was thought this was to get the team used to the noise in BC Place but later it was confirmed they were just trying to block out the crying from ex GM Roy Shivers.

Have to wonder if his suspension will stop BC Lions defensive tackle Jason Jimenez from using his good luck saying “break a leg”

NY Knicks Stephon Marbury reportedly said he “knows things” about Coach Isiah Thomas that would keep him from sitting on the bench, mostly he would never find him. Marbury was fined $200,000 which will go towards the sexual harassment settlement against the Knicks.

Alex Rodriguez is saying he still wants to help NY Yankees win a World Series and towards that end has opened negotiations to become a member of the Boston Red Sox.

Rickey Williams has been reinstated to play in the NFL and is considering playing for the Miami Dolphins again once they can come to a joint agreement.

The Calgary Stampeders are still unsure of the fate of coach Tom Higgins and say they will release a statement once they see what the penalty for ending his contract will be.

One of the world’s biggest diamonds was auctioned off this week and a source close to the sale could not reveal the owner but added he was happy Kobe was still fooling around.

Packman Jones of the Tennessee Titans pleaded guilty to a minor charge in a strip club shooting clearing his way to resume playing football as soon as he finds the real shooter.

OJ Simpson faces a trial for kidnapping and armed robbery after a Grand Jury found because of his fit they had to convict.

Not the Write Stuff

Striking Hollywood writers are thankful for the break as it took all their efforts to write the Colorado Rockies fairytale script.

New England coach Bill Belichick was upset over reports of the strike in Hollywood until he realized it was the writers on strike not the cameramen.

The Canadian Toy Testing Council released its picks for the Christmas season and I was surprised to see Mark Bell’s Smash-Up Derby scored so poorly.

The Italian Mafia has been dealt a series of setbacks with the capture of one of their boss of bosses, the infringement of other gangs into their territory and worst of all the failure by the New England Patriots to cover the spread.

If the Canadian Loonie keeps outpacing the US Dollar pretty soon the Toronto Maple Leafs defense will look like a bargain.

Calgary Flames coach Mike Keenan is taking the recent 3 game losing streak in which they have been outscored 12-3 in stride. It must be the high altitude which requires more time to bring things to a boil.

I know it wasn’t a sporting event but who among us were not secretly cheering when the Pakistan Police had a convincing win over a heavily favored group of lawyers.

Mark LaFleur son of former Montreal Canadian great Guy LaFleur was denied bail after breaking terms of his release by staying at a hotel instead of his parents’ house. Guy was outraged by the decision saying “Who doesn’t break curfew?”

The Minnesota Wild publicly are saying centre Wes Walz is unavailable for games due to “personal reasons” but privately they have no idea “Where Walz Go”.

With the comedy writers on strike viewers in search of laughs are demanding more Miami Dolphins and St. Louis Rams games.

You know people in Saskatchewan have their priorities straight when more people tried to get tickets to Sunday’s playoff game than registered to vote in the Provincial election. Here’s a suggestion to increase voter turnout for next election, have a referendum on keeping the Riders in Saskatchewan on the ballot. Chances are while they are there to say yes they might take a chance on picking a candidate as well.

Andy Pettitte has turned down $16 million, Alex Rodriguez turned down $81 million and Joe Torres left after being offered $10 million over 2 years. This trend has been picked up by ABC who are coming out with a new sports quiz show “Who doesn’t want to be a Yankee Millionaire?”

Baseball free agent Jose Guillen is under suspicion for buying human growth hormone and steroids from a Florida Anti-Aging Clinic. In his defense Guillen says in no way were the drugs performance enhancing just something to help with his laugh lines.

Loonie Daze

Alex Rodriguez is opting out of his contract with the NY Yankees thus giving the Texas Rangers $21.3 million reasons to cheer. Alex says the decision is based on the Yankees no signing the players needed to take the heat off his sub par playoff performances. Alex says he will discuss all potential offers and is interested in Canada, not as a place to play but to buy.

The 13-10 win by the NY Giants against Miami Dolphins gave London England fans everything they wanted, rain, violence and a low scoring football game.


After signing Mikka Kiprusoff, Robyn Regehr and Jerome Iginla to long term deals at less than market value you have to wonder if the players are taking a home team discount or if GM Darryl Sutter moonlights as a private investigator. Sutter says next up is Dion Phaneuf and he expects to start negotiations once the film gets developed.

After getting shelled again at home Toronto Maple Leafs GM John Ferguson Jr. is asking the NHL if they can play some home games in Buffalo.

Philadelphia Flyers defenseman Randy Jones was suspended for 2 games for a hit from behind on Boston Bruins forward Patrice Bergeron, 1 game for the hit and another for being a Flyer.

The Canadian loonie has reached historic highs against the American dollar which is causing havoc on players visiting Canadian strip clubs. Now instead of making it “rain” they can only cause a drizzle.

Britney Spears mom is writing a book on child rearing and not to be outdone Travis Henry’s mom is writing a book on birth control.

Top 3 Signs your Hockey Fantasy Draft Picks are not working out
#3 The goalie is your top point producer and your centre is leading the league in shutouts
#2 Real picks by the Toronto Maple Leafs GM are outperforming yours
#1 Your fantasy cheerleaders are demanding to be traded

The Dali Lama visited Ottawa this week and among his words of divine inspiration was to “Take Indianapolis and the points”.

The same people that are upset Calgary Stampeders quarterback Henry Burris lost the most outstanding player nomination to Saskatchewan Roughrider quarterback Kerry Joseph are still insisting Ramses should have got the nod over Moses. Joseph led his team to the Promised Land and revived the faith of a Nation, enough said!

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

The Toronto Maple Leafs are trying to sign underage junior John Tavares in an attempt to circumvent the NHL draft rules. Skeptics think this is an attempt by GM John Ferguson Jr. to deflect his current problems but Ferguson denied this and is quoted as saying “Look at the shiny diamond”. Toronto is proposing a return to the days when each team had territorial rights to their players although they expect to see some reluctance from Phoenix and Florida.

The National Lacrosse League has agreed with the players union on a new 7 year deal. Terms of the contract were not immediately available although a source close to the negotiations said 2 for 1 coupons were in the mix. With salaries averaging $19,000 owners felt giving them more would jeopardize their eligibility for food stamps.

NBA commissioner David Stern is altering the rules governing officials being allowed to place bets. Stern says the will allow referees to bet on games that don’t matter like Lotteries, NCAA Tournaments and any tilt involving Seattle or Memphis.

NHL players are asking to be allowed to wear uniforms without the new waterproof treatment. Players say the water is pooling and this is one area where they don’t want their cup to runneth over.

Michigan State football coach Mark Dantonio says he will not suspend 3 players accused of robbery noting they lead the team in steals and picks.

San Diego Chargers are most likely to play their home game on Sunday despite the fact over 10,000 people are camping out in the stadium due to brush fires. Officials say they will have to re-vamp their tailgate party to include baby formula as well as beer. Asked if the soot filled air will affect the players a team spokesman says they will just pretend they are playing in the Meadowlands.

Miami Dolphins tackle Zack Thomas will miss Sundays game in London England because of whiplash from a car accident. Team officials said the accident could have been worse but at the last minute Zack swerved into the right lane.

Games too Dawn Long

I let my internet security lapse last week and with all the virus’s out there I felt like an NBA team on a road rip.

Cassie Campbell is about to become the first woman hockey player to be inducted into the Canadian Sports Hall of Fame. Asked about the accomplishment CBC commentator Don Cherry said “Yeah but she wasn’t the first person elected who played like a girl".

Paul Kelly was officially introduced as the new head of the NHLPA and in keeping with a defense attorney who has prosecuted the mafia called the current collective agreement an offer they should have refused.

Not to say the Baseball playoff games are too long but I watched a hockey game between the first and second innings.

Top 3 signs the baseball playoff game is too long…
3 Name changed to 7 AM stretch
2 After 5th inning vendors start selling breakfast burrito
1 Yogi Berra is yelling “It’s over already”

I put all of the free agents John Ferguson Jr. signed into my fantasy draft and the computer froze up.

Hair Apparaent

Hair Apparaent

Another Grey Cup ring belonging to former Stampeder Alondra Johnson has surfaced in addition to the one currently on E-Bay. Experts say there is a vast market in fake sports memorabilia mostly being purchased by men who want to impress women with championship rings they claim are their own. The ring on E-Bay has a current bid of $1700 by J. Ferguson Jr. in Toronto.

Former Olympic downhill skier Cary Mullen resigned after being elected for town council in Chestermere Alberta. Mullen said his busy traveling schedule would not allow him to attend Council meetings and was led to believe he would not have to attend like a Senator. After learning of his victory Liberal Leader Stephan Doin begged him to run in the upcoming election saying there was no chance he would win but could be a great help to a Party going downhill at breakneck speed.

Toronto was in a state of euphoria when it was discovered an American sporting team would play a home game in their city. The excitement quickly turned to disappointment when it was revealed the team was the Buffalo Bills and not the Buffalo Sabers. The big question on the mind of Toronto sport fans has to be if the City is big enough to support another loser?

Members of the Buffalo Bills came to Toronto to do some PR, donate $1500 to a sports charity and sell their Toyota Land Cruisers for a tidy sum.

The Ottawa Senators are said to have an inside track on signing free agent Peter Forsberg with the only sticking point being Forsberg’s demand he be paid in Canadian dollars.

NASCAR driver Carl Edwards is upset his teammates don’t congratulate him for his victories, acknowledge his help when they win a race and worst of all didn’t even notice his new hairstyle.

With the NFL holding a regular season game in London England does this qualify as a Bye Bye Week?

Bill TO for the Loss

After taking a hit from Calgary Flames defenseman Robyn Regher, Jeremy Roenick of the San Jose Sharks seemed shaken. Officials blew down the play fearing the worst, that Jeremy had swallowed his tongue.

Edmonton Oilers forward Raffi Torres was fined $2500 for knocking out Calgary Flames David Moss with a head hit. Coincidentally this is the same amount the UFC pays their combatants for the same knockout.

Ryan Smyth returned home to play against his former team the Edmonton Oilers and this time the tears he was crying were for the players that didn’t get out.

The run of 21 wins in 22 games by the Colorado Rockies has a mathematical probability of 1 in 210,000 or the same odds as finding a mathematician that has seen a baseball game.

Former Calgary Stampeder Alondra Johnson has placed his Grey Cup ring up for sale on E-Bay. The ring has an opening bid of $1700 or two tickets to a Flames game.

AC Milan goalie Dida has had his 2 game suspension for faking an injury reduced to one game after game film showed his act was not nearly as good as previously thought. A spokesperson for Dida was incensed saying the reduction will affect his chances of getting the red carpet treatment at Cannes.

The Buffalo Bills are said to be considering having an annual game in Toronto to take advantage of their Canadian fan base, lay the ground work for a potential expansion and give their fans one less home loss.

Toronto Maple Leafs forward Darcy Tucker is out with a strained knee ligament which gives GM John Ferguson the signal to start blaming the season on injuries.

The Florida Panthers are looking for a new tough guy now that they have lost the services of defenseman Noah Welsh. The Panthers are checking their minor league team, looking at possible trades and have hired Mantracker.

A recent poll found 1 in 5 sports fans do something in the hopes of creating luck for their team. The most common ways to help their team win were wearing a lucky shirt, following a routine and betting on them to cover the spread.

In an effort to reduce the length of the NFL draft teams will now have 10 minutes between picks in round one, 7 minutes between picks in round two and will draw out of a hat for round three. Sources are calling the new guidelines the Brady Quinn rule and to avoid further embarrassment players expected to go high in the draft will be limited to three blonds on their arm.

Armageddon a Home Game

In an attempt to throw Boston Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett off his game the Cleveland Indians had his ex girlfriend Danielle Peck sing the opening anthem and during the 7th inning stretch. Peck stuck to tradition singing God Bless America for the anthem but her 7th inning choice of “Wild Thing” raised eyebrows.

Olympic figure skating champion Scott Hamilton threw out the opening pitch for the 5th game of the ALCS and it was no where near the catcher. Hamilton said in retrospect he should have left the skates at home. Not sure what was more embarrassing his throwing ability or his sequin outfit.

You would think with the number of concussions to NHL players the league would do something about the football shoulder pads being worn by players. A spokesperson for the NHL said they are trying but since the new tighter sweaters were introduced players feared they would look too fat.

Ottawa rookie Nick Foligno jumped for joy over his first NHL goal and later his dad nearly jumped through the TV as he was taken off the ice as a result of a head hit.

South Africa defeated England in the Rugby World Cup finals thus putting an end to the employment of Rugby writers in North America for 4 years. South Africa beat the defending champions 15-6 in the confused scoring system when they converted a try, kicked a penalty and scratched 3 bells in the opening lottery.

A band called The Weakerthans released a song about former NHL goalie Gump Worsley called Elegy for Gump Worsley. Not to be outdone Toronto’s Barenaked ladies have penned a ballad called Eulogy for Thomas Kaberle.

First it was thunder and lightening, then it was hail and gale force wins and now with the Saskatchewan Roughriders clinching a home playoff berth can the end of the world be far off?

Mike Weir won his first tournament in over three years and despite it not being one of the more notable events Weir was happy. Asked what hole gave him the most trouble Weir said it was the one with the windmill.

Cleveland Indians Paul Byrd has admitted using Human Growth Hormones but said he only used it while in the care of a Dr. Upon hearing this Denver Bronco’s running back Travis Henry says he was only using marijuana on the advice of Dr. Feelgood.

Hank Steinbrenner son of Yankee owner George lashed out at outgoing manager Joe Torres for saying the offer to stay in pinstripes was an insult. Showing his dad’s former feistiness Hank is trying to re-sign Joe just so he can fire him.

Not sure if Liberal Leader Stephane Dion gets it but he says the new heated hockey skate is just another sign of global warming. In an effort to try and turn around his flagging numbers Dion is re-naming his dog from Kyoto to Reebok.

Instead of the NHL being so concerned with head shots why not just require the players to wear shoulder pads that have to be smaller than those worn by Mel Gibson in Road Warrior movies. The ‘80’s are over enough with the wide shoulder pads.

The NFL is playing up the almost religious happenings from this week. First Buffalo Bills Kevin Everett was able to walk then Kansas City Chief Priest Holms has come back after severe injuries and now Arizona Cardinal quarterback Matt Leinhart says he is dating a virgin named Mary.

England lost their Euro 2008 match to Russia and now has to pray to Jesus for help from Israel.

Owning Up!

The National Lacrosse League has shut down for a year with management blaming the players for being stubborn. Who could have guessed that guys who get hit on the helmet for 60 minutes could be so hard headed? Management says the players should feel lucky they play in the same rink as Jerome Iginla, get treated like rock stars by their fans and don’t have to worry about stuff like taxes. The two sides were stuck on the length of term each indentured slave would have to work before he became a free man. Sources for the owners group are upset saying they will now need to pay to get their cotton picked.

You can tell Calgary is still feeling envious towards Toronto because after watching the Maple Leafs score an own goal on Monday they had to go one better than them and score 3 on themselves on Tuesday.

The NY Yankees may be looking for a new manager and say they will need someone who speaks the language of the players. An early favorite for the job is Chef Ramsay from Hells Kitchen.

The Calgary Flames have equaled a record for two goal games at the start of the season. This is the most times a player has scored a pair since Wilt Chamberlains early years.

Kobe Bryant has missed the first few days of practice fueling speculation he may be traded. Kobe denied the reports saying he was getting prepared for the upcoming season by practicing alone.

Saskatchewan Roughriders fullback Chris Szarka took off the tips of his fingers over the weekend in a freak carpentry accident. Chris says he never saw it coming.

Brett “The Hitman” Hart has a new book out and in early excerpts he admits to being unfaithful on the road but makes no mention of steroid use. Brett says he wants to come clean but it might be more interesting if he came clear. Brett also says his brothers are upset with him about revelations his father Stu Hart was abusive to the boys. It seems there was an understanding that what happens in the dungeon stayed in the dungeon.

The Calgary Flames are among the NHL teams trying out the new heated hockey blade. Team spokespersons say they hope the blade will prove effective as it will add more punch to their slogan “Fire on Ice”. Toronto Maple Leafs defenseman Bryan Mcabe must have been trying the new rechargeable blades out because after scoring an own goal against the Buffalo Sabres he was seen sticking his skate into an electrical outlet.

A spokesman for the people who make the ice at NHL arena's was quoted as saying "Yippee".

ERA of 7-11

After paying over $100 million for Dice-K the Boston Red Sox are now rolling craps!

Lawyer Paul Kelly has been nominated for the position of Director of the NHLPA. The announcement was made by outgoing Director Ted Saskin who said he read it in an email. TSN talking head Gord Miller immediately phoned Gary Bettman and offered to provide inside information on Paul in the best interest of the game.

Unable to come to an agreement the National Lacrosse League has suspended the upcoming season. In order to avoid penalties with their broadcast partner the NLL will instead air re-runs of last season because no one watched that one either.

Anaheim Ducks forward Todd Bertuzzi is out for an indefinite period with a concussion. Doctors say it is hard to determine when Todd will be back as the damage is obscured by natural dementia. Asked to comment former Colorado Rockies forward Steve Moore says he hope Todd will resume playing soon so he can earn enough to pay him in the upcoming civil lawsuit.

Former New York Mets clubhouse attendant Kirk Radomski has spilled the beans to investigators fingering past and present baseball players that received supplements and steroids. According to Radomiski he had given players enough to last until the first week in September.

Two accomplices in the OJ Simpson memorabilia robbery trial have agreed to plead guilty and receive lesser sentences in return for helping prosecutors in their case against OJ. The defendants were offered lesser jail time, a choice of locations and a couple of really sweet early OJ trading cards. In hopes lighting will strike twice OJ jumped into a white Ford Bronco and threatened tow write all over himself with a magic marker.

TSN-The Snitch Network

Saskatoon is in the midst of a baby boom and officials say it could be due to a blizzard 9 months ago, an economic upturn or a promotional visit by Travis Henry.

Calgary Stampeders Henry Burris came back from a separated shoulder to throw for 400 yards in a win over the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. Henry says he credits his quick recovery with exceptional conditioning, a God gifted ability to recover and the realization he is in his option year. I found it a little suspicious that Henry had such a great game the day before Calgary votes for their new Mayor.

A brawl between Saskatchewan Roughriders and Hamilton Tiger Cats players has the CFL looking to crack down hard. Officials are considering fines, suspensions or requiring the Hamilton players to sign up with the team for next year.

Watching the guy try to kick a field goal for $1 million dollars of Wendy’s money reminded me why you shouldn’t kick with cowboy boots on. The people at Wendy’s were obviously hesitant as they had given out $1 million before but really calling a time out just before he kicked seemed petty.

After playing a game in a torrential down pour it is clear that the Colorado Rockies can not only walk on water but hit and pitch as well.

Boston-based lawyer Paul Kelly is the favorite to land the new position of the head of the NHLPA. This is despite the help from Gary Bettman who offered his suggestions to the hiring committee including Barry Bendover, Freddie Foldalot and Harry Handitover.

A report says that Gord Miller a talking head with TSN leaked information on dissident members of the NHLPA to Bill Daley a member of the NHL. In his defense Miller says he had to do it or they threatened to give him a haircut like Rod Smith.

I was a little suspicious when Gord Miller had 3000 friends on Facebook and they all had email address in the NHL offices. If he really wanted to be a snitch why not take a job with the New England Patriots? Now at least I understand his latest story “Gary Bettman God or Just God’s Gift to Sport”. Millers actions have called into question the reporting practices of TSN which will now look to make a name change to "The Snitch Network".

The NLL is headed for a strike that could turf the season. The sticking point is salaries when it was shown a player could get paid more to be hit over the head with a stick from a nursing home.

In a bizarre scene at Yankee stadium George Steinbrenner fired himself and was immediately re-hired by his clone. Sources say George quit because he was tired of losing and will now funnel his efforts into winning the Iraq war.

Soup's On

First Ben Rothisberger, has a terrible year then Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb is injured for most of a year and now running back Lawrence Taylor is starting poor. Do you think there is a jinx on athletes who are in Cambells Soup Commercials?

What is it with the Toronto Maple Leafs media overreaction to every play? If the goalie makes the save his is a Vesizna Trophy candidate if he is scored on his mother obviously used crack during his pregnancy.

With Number 1 LSU losing to Kentucky College Football is thinking of scrapping the way it determines rankings in favour of something radical like actual game success.

After Game 1 of the American League Series you wonder why Cleveland bothered to show up to win game 2. The media was so full of praise for the Boston Red Sox you would think they were the NY Yankees.

Archeologists have discovered 10000 year old drawings in a cave that prove conclusively just who developed the Tampa Two defensive scheme.

After all the troubles with chemical spills and worry about poisoning is the Skeleton really the best sponsorship option for Dow Chemicals?

Some BC Lions players were questioning why the Edmonton Eskimos would water their grass field so late in the season. Turns out they were just preparing the team for a slide out of the playoff run.

The NBA has opened it’s pre season in Europe and early indications are they are pleased with the reception, the crows and the lax laws around gunplay.

With father 9 times over Travis Henry of the Denver Broncos testing positive for marijuana I think this dispels the myth one and for all as to weather the drug is a performance enhancer. With 9 mouths to feed surely Henry can be forgiven for wanting to tune out.

Wooden it be Nice?

The Philadelphia Flyers are being compared to the Broad Street Bullies of the ‘70’s with the only difference being they are getting suspended so much. It’s more like the Street Clothes Bullies.

Hockey stick maker Sher-Wood is closing it’s plant because despite all the headlines players are laying on the lumber less.

Ticket Prices for the Vancouver Olympics have been announced and give a new meaning to BC, Bring Cash. The Americans were fine with the prices until they found out the tickets were in Canadian dollars.

Michelle Wie recently celebrated a birthday but was a bit embarrassed when she was unable to make a cut on the cake. Wie hopes that her game will improve now that she is no longer forced to use the kiddies caddy.

The Senate Committee investigation into the use of steroids in baseball is going to name names. This is causing players to re-think their off season conditioning programs and warn fans not to inflate their expectations. In a related story Balco makers of the clear steroid are suing Hockey Night in Canada for using their trademark “He Shoots, He Scores”.

The National Lacrosse League is in danger of canceling its season in a dispute with the players union. The two sides are stuck on the most contentious issue, free parking.

The New York Jets wore the uniforms they did when they were called the Titans. A spokesman for the Jets say they hope to wear other throwback jerseys including the Gladiators, the Mongols and the Turks.

Ships Ahoe

With the problems surrounding lead based products in China no wonder Yao Ming is so reluctant to spend time in the paint.

A recent Poll found people in Saskatchewan were happier than in other Provinces. Sources say the Poll was biased as it was conducted after a Saskatchewan Roughrider win.

There is a simple remedy for all the stick swinging in the NHL, outlaw golfing in the off season. Players are just confused what sport they are playing.

After losing a game 7-1 and then winning the next game 8-1 it appears the Toronto Maple Leafs have added another illness to their list this season Bi-Polar Disorder.

AC Milan Goalie Dida was suspended for 2 games after faking an injury. Officials with Professional soccer were incensed saying if every soccer player who faked and injury was suspended there would be no one left. A furious Dida lashed into the officials in a tirade but was later called out for using cue cards during the rant.

Andy Murray now says there is no problem with fixing of matches in Tennis. He just said there was as part of a bet.

Dallas Cowboys coach Wade Phillips says he doesn’t remember saying the New England Patriots championships were tainted by the spy scandal. This was quickly refuted by Patriots coach Bill Billichick who then offered to show tapes of the comments.

Denver Bronco’s running back Travis Henry is suing the NFL for the right to have his expert present during the evaluation of his “B” sample on suspicion of marijuana use. Although the NFL grants the person is an expert they still are refusing admittance to Snoop Dogg.

Two members of the Minnesota Vikings got into a scuffle that included a chair being thrown. Tempers were cooled off when the players agreed to share the captions duties aboard the next team bonding cruise.

Fire on Ice

Calgary Stampeders coach Tom Higgins says he hated letting quarterback Akili Smith go as he was a complete player who just couldn’t complete a pass.

After playing his first two NHL games with a broken foot and scoring a goal and registering an assist St. Louis Blues defenseman Erik Johnson will be listed as day to day to give the rest of the league a chance to catch up. In a related story the Toronto Maple Leafs are said to be interested in acquiring him to add to their injured reserve team.

Chris Chelios of the Detroit Red Wings says a TV deal is the reason the Red Wings are no longer selling out the Joe Louis Arena. Chelios says when he broke into the league there was no TV which helped to get people to the games.

Calgay Flames star Jerome Iginla is one of the new owners of the Kamloops Blazers of the WHL. Iginla says he can now look foreword to playoff hockey even if the Flames fail to win a game this year.

An Alberta company has invented a hockey skate that has a built in heater to warm up the skate making it glide over the ice easier. The heat is generated from a battery which conveniently allows them to hook up their I-Pod.

Cyclist Floyd Landis is appealing his conviction on steroid use to the Circuit Court but might not be up on the whole process saying he would like to take a spin around it.

Aging athletes have to make a living and so I guess it would be no surprise to see Evander Holyfield being sponsored by Depends.

Osoma bin Laughing

First the Toronto Maple Leafs announce that Jason Blake has cancer and then they lose 7-1 causing all their fans to feel nauseous.

The Detroit Red Wings want to move back into the Eastern Conference of the NHL so they can have more natural rivals, reduce travel time and get Chris Celios home before his 10:00 PM bedtime.

New York is reeling with the season ending failure of the Mets and Yankees a collapse of the City’s twin towers not seen since… well a few years. In what was a deliberate attempt to taunt Osoma bin Laden was seen in his latest video wearing a Cleveland Indians cap.

Internet sex stars Pamela Anderson and Rick Solomon were married this past weekend and sources say Bill Belechick did a very tasteful but discreet video.

I loved hearing the announcers say that running back Kenton Keith of the Indianopolis Colts is a rookie who came out of nowhere. Regina isn’t nowhere, that title belongs to Moose Jaw.

The newest fad in the NFL seems to be to call time out just before a kicker makes a game changing kick. Sources say this is a new twist on the old schoolyard taunt “miss me miss me now you have to re-kick me”.

The Calgary Stampeders are considering starting quarterback Henry despite having only had 3 weeks to recover from a separated shoulder. Management is trying to decide if it is worth chancing a separation of his shoulder from his arm over the possibility of being separated from the playoffs.

Marion Jones has accepted a 2 year ban from competitive track and field and will concentrate on counting her blessings and endorsement money.

The Atlanta Falcons have been awarded $20 million to be returned to the team by disgraced quarterback Michael Vick. The Players Union for the NFL is appealing saying it is just too big a bite out of his paycheck.

The US Olympic Committee says there should be no concerns about athletes testing positive for the coming Games in China because of new test that include blood, urine and an oath that if they were to lie a sty would get in their eye.

As the Puck Turns

When Vancouver Canucks goalie Roberto Luongo went down in pain during a game with the Calgary Flames it was the only time a whole City held its breath, other than Hamilton.

The Edmonton Oilers extended GM Kevin Lowe’s contract by 4 years. A spokesperson with the Oilers said they didn’t want to chance losing him to restricted free agency. Asked to comment Anaheim Ducks GM Brian Burke felt 4 years was an adequate sentence for the theft of Dustin Penner.

Watching my beloved Chicago Cubs lose in straight games to the Arizona Diamondbacks reminds me that life is short but the off season is long. I still blame Steve Bartman for the loss.

I thought Mike Keenan of the Calgary Flames was taking the losses by his team well until a close up of him on the bench showed him chewing rocks instead of his usual ice.

Seeing the Colorado Rockies win their playoff with Philadelphia Phillies reminds me it is time to get out the snow shovel. After seeing how the players for the Phillies were crucified in the media maybe it is time to re-think Philadelphia as the City of Brotherly Love.

Now that it is confirmed Marion Jones used steroids for the Olympics isn’t it time the US Olympic Organization came clean about the clear? I can’t help it but from now on every time I see a 6’ 300 lb16 year old US female sprinter it is going to raise doubts in my mind.

As a silent nod to the growing problem of steroid induced violence in the NFL league officials are now going to allow clubs to carry an extra stretcher team in each game.

Why is it each new season of hockey the announcers come up with a new word they like to overuse? Last year it was the “half boards” and now this year it is “a good stick”. Maybe I’ll beat them to it and coin next year’s word early it will be “a good tongue”.

It took me a while to figure out why NFL players are putting tight elastics around their forearms and then I realized it is always easier to find a vein if you tie it off.

Houston Texan Travis Johnson says he was sorry he taunted an unconscious Travis Green of the Miami Dolphins but in his defense who likes to be blocked by a quarterback? After seeing Johnson gloat over the fallen Green it was tough to tell who had the head injury. Travis Green has a Grade 3 concussion which means he definitely isn’t smarter than a 5th grader.

The speculation as to what Alex Rodriguez would command in free agency is staggering. One GM on condition of anonymity says his opening bid would be Brazil. A-Rod says he needs advice if were to opt out of his contract and has contacted the wife of Chris Pronger.

Wouldn’t it be ironic if the NY Yankees lost Mariano Rivera because they couldn’t close the deal?

First the player they trade for is convicted of drunk driving, then a player they were counting on has groin surgery and now a free agent signing has cancer. If just one Toronto Maple Leaf comes out of the closet this year it would be the makings of a great soap opera. There is some hope in the news free agent signing Jason Blake has been diagnosed with cancer. Usually the signings of the Leafs turn out to be a cancer on the whole team.

Tennis World #18 seed Andy Murray says he believes tennis matches may be fixed. He cited his own 2006 match against Roger Federer saying “there is no way I can beat that guy”.

100 LSU fans were upset after buying counterfeit tickets for a game against Florida. The only people more upset were USC fans who bought real tickets for the game against Stanford.

Reigning Formula One champion Fernando Alonso has been questioned by prosecutors in the Ferrari spy scandal. Prosecutors became suspicious when he was seen swapping video techniques with New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick.

Wayne Gretzkey and his wife Janet will be selling off household items to raise money for a planned baseball diamond at a Phoenix school. Wayne will sell off autographed jerseys and memorabilia and Janet will give the kids tips for betting on Week 6 in the NFL.

Growth Spurt

Danny Heatley of the Ottawa Senators has signed a new 6 year contract which included salary, bonus clauses and the agreement all of the players will rise and say “Hail Heatley” when he enters a room.

I find if you turn off the sound while watching a NHL game the quality of the picture improves drastically. After listening to all the talking heads spouting their predictions it is now clear that HD TV should stand for Hopefully Deaf.

After experimenting with designer growth hormones New England Patriots safety is back from suspension and is one of the few players who really can tuck his tail between his legs and run.

The Anaheim Ducks lost to the Detroit Red Wings after their extended road trip to London England. The Ducks seemed to suffer from both jet lag and the desire to drive down the wrong side of the wing.

Hands on Coaching

The Calgary Stampeders are upset with CBC commentator Sean Millington for suggesting on air that quarterback Akil Smith should suck it up and play despite an injury. Millington said when he was a player he would often play injured and then walk home, uphill, in a blizzard, against the wind in his bare feet.

NY Knicks coach Isiah Thomas was found guilty by a jury of subjecting a former executive of unwanted sexual harassment. In his defense Isiah said he was just trying to demonstrate the finer points of a full court press. Despite the findings Isiah will not have to pay damages so he can once again hang on to his booty. In his defense Isiah nothed the defendant was taller than him and he was just trying to climb the corporate ladder.

Michael Vick completed an 8 hour class in empathy and animal protection and at the end was given a treat. Vick said he discovered killing dogs was bad, having dogs fight for money was bad and being caught was far worse.

After being suspended by the NHL Steve Downie has now been suspended by the American Hockey League and doesn’t appear to be given a fair hearing anywhere.

A 15 year old American weightlifter has tested positive for a banned stimulant. His parents were shocked and say they will stop giving him Flintstone chewables plus bennies.

At 36 Matts Sundin says he wants to end his career in Toronto. Matts joins a long line of players who have found their careers die while playing for the Maple Leafs. Sundin is set to pass the torch to another generation of Maple Leafs once they can find a fint and steel to ignite it.

Top 5 Signs your NHL team is in a rebuilding year
#5 You are $20 million under the salary cap
#4 The only person from your team picked in a fantasy draft was the trainer
#3 Star player still lives at home with his mom
#2 Hockey News pre season feature focused on the cheerleaders
#1 Hired a teacher to coach players with previous experience limited to pee wee girls

A Point to Ponder

The Calgary Stampeders fired their defensive coordinator Denny Creehan thus giving them 2 sacks for the year. Not to say the Stamps defense in porous but there were less holes in OJ Simpsons alibi.

The Stampeders fired Danny Creehan but kept his son Casey and elevated him to the position of next to kin.

The Edmonton Oilers signed rookie Sam Gagner to an entry level contract and although Sam was thrilled to be starting for the Oilers, sources said he could hardly wait for his next offer from the Anaheim Ducks.

The Arizona Cardinals will stick with the 2 quarterback system despite the protest of Matt Leinart. His objection came as a surprise to Matts former girlfriend and the father of her child who said Matt was always willing to share his balls.

Former Miami Dolphin running back Rickey Williams has applied to be reinstated with the NFL following a drug related suspension. Rickey spent the past season in the CFL cementing his reputation as a dope running back.

Shaquille O’Neil spent his off season doing UFC fighting and now has his eyes set on the super-super-super-super heavy weight title currently held by the Goodyear Blimp.

Monday was the 75th anniversary of Babe Ruth’s famous home run where he pointed to the center field fence and then hit the next pitch over it. In tribute to that great event NY Mets pitcher Tom Glavine pointed to the center field fence several times in his crucial final game.

You know it is going to be a long season for the Toronto Maple Leafs when Sports Select has their Over Under set higher than the Toronto Argonauts.

The NY Mets sent out an email to apologize to fans for blowing a 7 game lead late in the season. A spokesperson for the Mets later sent out a correction saying they were mostly sorry for being in the lead for so long.

Olympic Pairs Figure Skating Champions Jamie Sale and David Pelletier are the proud parents of a son which after some protests has been upgraded to a golden child.

The Breast Defense

After seeing the BC-Calgary game it is apparent the Stampeders Achilles heel isn’t at quarterback it is their defense.

Health organizations around North America have advised women to stop breast self exams and in an act of charity Travis Henry has offered to take up the slack.

After seeing Woody Austin fall face first into the water after an attempted shot it is obvious that unlike Tiger Woods he can’t walk on water. Woody later won first prize in the wet Tee Shirt Contest.

With the injuries to so many CFL quarterbacks the Grey Cup Game has been re-named Last Man Standing.

The Fantasy Hockey Drafts are just about complete which gives Toronto Maple Leaf Fans an actual shot at a Championship.

The NHL is considering foreign expansion with the possible locations being discussed as London England, Munich Germany and Winnipeg Manitoba.

After watching a hockey game, baseball game and a football triple header on Saturday I know why God decreed Sunday as a day of rest and to wind down will watch 3 NFL Games. Women of North America have a word for this time of year, shopping.

Germany won the Women’s World Cup of Soccer giving all of Germany a reason to drink in October.

NASCAR driver Tony Stewart will not be penalized for uttering a profanity as officials feel he was just trying to communicate with his fans in a language they could understand.

Gooooooooooad!

Steve Downie is hoping his suspension will be reduced by the NHL but it seems to me like a leap of faith. Watching all the people in hockey attack Downie you wonder if they shouldn’t be penalized for piling on.

Mike Keenan was about the only NHL person that questioned Dean McAmmonds decision to admire the pass he made instead of keeping his head up. The league wanted to censure him for his comments but couldn’t find anyone willing to make the call.

The NHL has put Ottawa Senators forward Brian McGratten on notice saying if he threatens anyone in the future he will be threatened again with disipline.

The BC Lions are “scared” because they haven’t seen a lot of Akili Smith on film whereas the Calgary Stampeders are scared because they have.

If you wonder why the Canadian Government is suddenly so concerned with Global Warming it is because they have just figured out there would be less hockey and more soccer.

Mongolian Sumo Wrestler Yokozuna Hakuho was given 100 horses and sheep for winning a major Sumo Tournament. Yokozuna thanked the people of his home villiage for what he called a good pre-tournament meal.

NBA rookie Greg Oden says despite his season ending injury he will be the best possible teammate by cheering, handing out towels and going to the Strip Club early to get the best after game seats.

The US Womens Soccer team was beaten by Brazil and to show what good sports they are some are donating the shirts off their back to charity. The team is upset by the way Brazil taunted them saying it was a blatant infringement on their trademark.

Put the Halo on Ice!

The Chicago Cubs are closing in on a pennant and in preparation for a possible World Series run Hell is stocking up on ice making equipment.


Let me get this straight, Steve Downie hits someone with an illegal check and players, coaches and General Managers say he should be banned from the NHL. Brandon Sutter hits a Russian in the Junior Summit with an illegal check and he is playing great Canadian hockey. Matts Sundin crosschecks a Buffalo Sabres player from behind into the boards and he is a rugged player. If Don Cherry sides with the hypocrites we can start the countdown to Armageddon.

I know Steve Downie has a hearing problem but his most pressing condition might be his sight because I’m pretty sure he never saw this coming. If every player in the NHL was banned for leaving his feet to deliver a hit the league would be populated by the Ice Capades.

Not sure what was bigger this week the release of Halo 3 or the Halo’s acquired by NHL players when discussing the hit by Steve Downie.

There is more headhunting in the NHL pre-season than a Calgary Oil Company at a University Graduation Ceremony.

Michael Vick tested positive for marijuana so now he has been convicted for holding dog fights and is being put under restrictions for hangin with Snoop Dogg. The Royal Bank of Canada is suing Vick to try and recover money lent to him but officials for the bank fear the money may be up in smoke.

After seeing the Toronto Maple Leafs goalies fall apart in the pre-season I’m pretty sure Mark Bell won’t be the only Leaf requiring a stiff drink. This year may be a milestone as Leafs fans will not only be falling off the band wagon but the wagon as well.

After an internet vote it has been decided the home run record setting ball of Barry Bonds will be branded with an asterisk and sent to the Hall of Fame. A group of lawyers for asterisks of the world say they plan to file a class action suit for defamation of the character.

A poll out of London England site of an NHL exhibition game showed only 7% of people watch hockey. This had NHL President Gary Bettman salivating as it is 5% points higher than in the US.

Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman has been demoted and will now only be available to throw interceptions in relief. Despite having the 2nd worst quarterback rating in the NFL Grossman was surprised with the demotion saying he needed time to get his rhythm. A spokesman for the Bears say they are trying to help him and once they figure out what instrument he has been playing it will be easier.

Naked Dumb!

With all the streakers at McMahon Field in Calgary you have to wonder after seeing Henry Burris get injured why all the desire to do a naked bootleg?

Jose Offerman was arraigned on Monday for his attack on a pitcher and catcher during a game. Jose has pleaded not guilty to assault on the battery.

San Diego Padres Milton Bradley tore ligaments in his knee while arguing with an umpire. Doctors hope to have Milton up and throwing light fits in about a month and should be able to work his way up to hissy fits by the start of spring training. The Padres are considering hiring Atlanta Braves Manager Bobby Cox to show Milton how to hrow fits using the whole body to avoid future injuries.

NHL players are saying the new water resistant jerseys do not allow the players sweat to cool and so they are changing their gloves, underwear and skates more often. A spokesperson for Reebok makers of the new jerseys say they will soon unveil an new line of moisture wicking underwear and gloves to soak up the extra sweat. Players are having a tough time getting used to the new tight fitting jerseys but the biggest complaint is that the new pants make their asses look fat.

The Chicago Cubs are closing in on a pennant and in preparation for a possible World Series run Hell is stocking up on ice making equipment.

Queer Eye for the Straight Arm

Mike Myers is going to make a movie about the Toronto Maple Leafs 40 years of playoff futility with a tentative title “Knocked Out”. Jessica Alba will play the only owner who looks better in a sweater than her players. The movie comes with a tag line… Save the Maple Leafs save the Center of the Universe.

With the death of Marcel Marceau the only mime left in the world of entertainment is New England coach Bill Belichick. Coach Belichick said he knew Marceau was ailing as he could read all the signs.

Were the Philadelphia Eagles uniforms were created for a new TV show “Queer Eye for the Straight Arm”?

Philadelphia Phillies Ryan Howard has set a major League record for strike outs passing the previous one set by Isiah Thomas while auditioning front office staff for the NY Knicks.

The release of the Halo video game is expected to surpass the record for first person shooter games currently held by the NBA All Star 2006.

The United Kingdom is bracing for another invasion of foot and mouth disease now that GM Brian Burke of the Anaheim Ducks is in London for an exhibition game. Trying to pick out the toothless NHL stars from the audience must be an autograph seekers worst nightmare.

With Zombie movies doing so well at the box office how long will it be until there is script featuring the Atlanta Falcons?

English football team Chelsea is trying to get their new manager approved for the upcoming season despite not having a license not unlike the Toronto Maple Leafs Mark Bell.

Here is the difference between the NFL and Professional Soccer. In professional soccer you need a license to play in the NFL you have a license to kill.

Nike is getting out of the hockey business saying the profit margins like the new sweaters are just too tight. Nike regrets any inconvenience this may cause the 17 Americans who have purchased hockey equipment last year.

The coach of Our Savior Lutheran High School was fired for having a football team that was too good and they will now play intramural sports instead. A Spokesperson for the school said they got the idea from the San Diego Chargers.

A Watched Pot

Seeing the Philadelphia Eagles play in their 1933 jerseys is reason enough not to get high definition TV. The jerseys were so ugly the people from Fashion 911 declared Philadelphia to be on orange alert. If the Eagles wear those jerseys again the terrorists have won.

Time will tell if the Stampeders Achilles heel is Akili's arm.

There seems to be a new trend in football this year where the quarterback stretches out to get the ball further ahead and then later stretches out on the stretcher to recover. It balances out I guess you get more yards per carry and more carry off the fields per yard.

I know it’s only the pre season but watching the Calgary Flames coach Mike Keenan as they lose the first 4 contests reminds me of an unattended pressure cooker.

Just another sign that God is a Roughies fan. He showed us the Promised Land in the first half of the season and is now going to make us wander the desert. Seeing BC Lions Sherko Haji-Rasouli get away with tearing the helmet from the Rouyghriders Scott Schultz reminds me how OJ got off.

I was shocked to see gay porn on my TV the other day but it turned out to be a UFC fight. I know these guys are tough but if I want to see two men locking their legs around each other for 5 minutes I will rent Brokeback Mountain.

Sign of the Times

Seeing the number of fights in the pre-season the NHL is now considering having cut men in the corners. Love to see the new Broad Street Bullies in Philadelphia just want to know if they can find someone to score a goal.

Women’s World Cup Soccer matches were re-scheduled on Wednesday due to both a typhoon and blizzard. The typhoon was weather related and the blizzard was from letters of protest about the cancellations.

NY Knicks coach Isiah Thomas is being sued for $10 million by a female employee who claims sexual harassment. In court hearing Thomas said it is sometimes acceptable for a black male to call a black female a bitch unless it is Michael Vick. Thomas said the woman was just playing the sexual harassment card because she refused to play strip poker with him.

Donovan McNabb says black quarterbacks have to do a little extra because they didn’t want us to play that position. Asked to comment former Philadelphia quarterback Jeff Garcia said winning isn’t everything.

McNabb’s comments are causing controversy and he is now in as big a soup as his mom.

The record setting ball hit by Barry Bonds has been bought by a fashion designer who will have people vote to either give it to the Hall of Fame, brand it with an asterisk or shoot it into space. Other ideas considered were making it into an adjustable hat or a line of baby clothing.

The best new fantasy pool for the NHL has to be guessing what game Calgary Flames coach Mike Keenan will lose it.

The NHL is looking to revise the schedule to see each team play a home an away game against each other and the balance to be determined by a Powerball lottery.

Terrel Owens was fined $7500 for pretending to be a filmmaker as part of his touchdown celebration saying the filming rights belonged to NFL films.

Religious groups have begun video tapping confessions and playing them at churches. Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots says he is deeply religious and if he was to see a sign would quickly tape it.

Harvard University will play its first night game in 104 years and hope their football team can finally see the light of day. The lights were installed as part of the new modernization push with the slogan “Harvard comes out of the dark ages”.

In an effort to beat the rush the media and fans in New York are already blaming Alex Rodriguez for the upcoming World Series loss. Alex is batting just over .100 in his last 10 games or nearly in post season form.

The San Francisco Giants say they will not re-sign Barry Bonds next year saying they don’t have enough room under the cap for a head his size. Barry says he will play at least another year because the Barry thinks he can still play and is head and shoulders above most players and neck and neck with the rest.

Barry is still concerned the guy who bought his record setting baseball and have fans vote on what to do with it, will tarnish the image of the game.

With the strength of the Canadian dollar it won’t be long before major league contracts will be based on Looney decisions that have nothing to do with the regular lunacy.

Wayne Gretzky has given odds of 2:1 that Rick Tocchet will be back behind the Phoenix Coyotes bench. His wife Paula quickly covered the bet.

Calgary Stampeders were in Hamilton trying to clear the air as to who is the best team in the CFL instead they came out in a fog. The Stamps lost the game, lost their starting quarterback and the offensive line coach Kris Sweet had a heart attack. Sources say Sweets condition became worse when someone told him to breathe deeply.

Jesse Lumsden suffered an apparent concussion during the game and later said when he re-entered the game didn’t so much run for daylight as run towards the white light.

The Mattel toy company is looking to re-call some of their NFL products including the Michael Vick, Tank Johnson and Pacman Jones figurines. The toys are safe but executives with the company keep chocking when they see how much they lost on them.

Toronto Maple Leafs Kyle Wellwood will need more surgery and hopes to be available for some meaningless games towards seasons end. Forward Mark Bell is feeling good about his time with the Maple Leafs and despite his suspension is just trying to drink it all in.

These Eyes Adore Me

OJ Simpson said he had to go get his memorabilia back because he wasn’t going to let the guy get away with making a killing.

OJ Simpson is a suspect in a confrontation at a Vegas casino where he said he was trying to get memorabilia allegedly stolen from him. Simpson says he is appalled officials would let a person get away with a crime and will not rest until the real thieves are caught. OJ says he’s tired of being targeted and now the gloves are off.

MLB is trying to come up with a test for HGH that doesn’t violate the collective bargaining agreement. Sources say they are considering something radical like increases in hat size.

LeBron James had Lasik eye surgery to correct a problem that first surfaced when he watched himself singing and dancing in the ESPY”s and thought he looked good.

Bar Nuts

A man wearing a Texas Longhorns Tee shirt was nearly castrated after attending a bar in Okalahoma home of the Sooners. Patrons at the bar said he was nuts to wear the shirt but were pretty sure he wouldn’t have the balls to do it again.

Scientists have discovered early humans had no Achilles tendon which made them less mobile than the average Toronto Maple Leafs defenseman.

NY Knicks Stephon Marbury said he laughed out loud when told of a sexual harassment suit against coach Isiah Thomas. He said it can’t be harassment when you make as much money as he does.

The NHL has suspended Toronto Maple Leafs forward Mark Bell for 15 games, 1 game for each drink he had before climbing into his car to drive home.

Tiger Woods says he will miss the PGA Grand Slam in order to spend time with his daughter. Asked to comment members of the PGA hoped Tiger would have many more children in the future.

Russia is having a baby crisis and is paying couples to stay at home to get pregnant. If that doesn’t work officials hope to have Travis Henry come in and do a seminar.

Sign, Sign Everybody Sign

Rick Ankiel has insisted he did not receive a shipment of Human Growth Hormone the product was mislabeled it was actually Hair Growth Hormone.

With so many doubts as to who is taking drugs here are the top 6 signs your favorite player is not taking performance enhancing drugs:

#6 Gives you an autograph instead of ripping up the card and screaming in your face

#5 Coach describes him as unwilling to sacrifice for the team

# 4 Has to stand next to the kicker to seem pumped

#3 Signs for packages in a clear signature

#2 Teammates refer to him as the designated pee-er

#1 Sits on the bench a lot


Asafa Powell set a world 100 meter record of 9.74 seconds but it was still not as fast as Tom Brady left his girlfriend when he heard he was going to be a father or Tiki Barber burned his bridges with the NY Giants.


After seeing the less than spectacular statistics of NFL quarterbacks Rex Grossman and JP Losman teams might want to take pass on the next group of quarterbacks including Terry Threenout and Nelson Nogain.


The Pope says selfish people are causing the current baby bust and people should follow the example set by NBA players.


Seeing so many NFL players being carried off the field the most important 12th man is now the medic.

After watching the NFL game between Buffalo and Denver coaches may think again when they ask the special team players to get downfield at breakneck speed.

After having a wrist injury, tonsils removed and now a knee injury Greg Oden is not so much a homeboy as a HMOboy.

JaMarcus Russell and the Oakland Raiders agreed on a contract that included incentives for wins, touchdowns and ambulatory trips.

I’m not saying the NFL has problems with steroids but the trainers are now over 300 lbs.

I remember the good old days when players were day to day with injuries not as a prognosis for living.

Baseball is mired in the Signature Steroid scandal which revolves around players signing for HGH shipments. In an effort to educate the players on the consequences MLB has hired doctors to train the players how to make their signatures illegible.

Arizona quarterback Matt Leinhart was good on 12 of 14 pass attempts this weekend; unfortunately it was on a Saturday at a Nightclub.

Former NFL player and Fox Sports broadcaster Bill Maas was charged with drug and weapons possession. It is the first time a Fox reporter has been accused of shooting off more than his mouth.

The New England Patriots were under suspicion for using and unauthorized person to video tape the plays called by the NY Jets on Sunday. A spokesman for the Patriots said it was all just a misunderstanding; the person was just looking for babes to meet with Tom Brady after the game.

Indiana Pacers forward Shawne Williams was charged with possession of marijuana, driving without a license and having an unlicensed vehicle. Officers said they became concerned when the vehicle he was in signaled to make a lane change at 3:00 AM. This is considered highly suspicious behavior.

The Fed-Ex Cup is ending this weekend with the winner getting a $10 million bonus. The cheque well be deferred as they seem to have lost it somewhere in the delivery system.

Clothes Call

With David Beckham likely out for the year with another leg injury this is the most crippling blow to soccer in the US since…

“Football was invented”

“Female players stopped taking off their shirts after scoring goals”

Ryan Broyles a 19 year old freshman football player at the University of Oklahoma was charged with stealing gas by driving away from a convenience store. Broyles said he needed to steal the gas because…

“His under the table payment was late”

“He was short a little for his Ethics textbook”

NFL player Travis Henry has fathered 9 children with 9 different women thus earning him the title…

“Player of the Year”

“USC without a Trojan”

Workers who clean-up Orioles Park at Camden Yards are going on a hunger strike to protest low wages. Meanwhile fans at the park are going on a hunger strike to protest…

“Lack of meat in the Hot Dogs”

“Lack of a clean-up hitter”

Top 3 Signs Your WWE favorite may be on steroids…

#3 His wrestling name is “The Veterinarian”

#2 Destroys Hotel in a fit of anger over lack of ketchup

#1 Wears girls bikini briefs and no one notices

Terry Francona the manager for the Boston Red Sox was confronted by the MLB fashion police during a game with the NY Yankees. Officials with MLB were embarrassed saying…

“The officer was supposed to wait until the game was sewn up”

“The officer should not have interrupted him while the game was hanging by a thread”

"The infraction really was too clothes to call"