Kim Jong Burke

Hockey Night in Canada talking head and Hall of Shame former GM Mike Millbury was questioned by Boston Police after complaints he verbally and physically assaulted a 12 year old boy during a hockey game.  A spokesman for CBC was ecstatic saying if the kid was French Canadian they might finally have found a replacement for Don Cherry.

I guess we now know God will cheer for a QB with a model wife instead of a model Christian.

The Toronto Raptors unveiled a 3 dimensional sign behind the basket in their home opener, 2 dimensions more than their offence.

A Vancouver developer has unveiled 30 "micro-lofts," which are under 300 square feet in size and are touted as the smallest self-contained furnished rental apartments in Canada.  The lofts are said to be perfect for those on a fixed income, low income or CFL income.

The City of Vancouver is looking to implement scramble crosswalks at the city's busiest and most dangerous intersections.  Police feel this will allow greater safety when trying to cross the street during riots.

Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) star Brock Lesnar and a hunting guide have been charged with three counts under Alberta's Wildlife Act.  An unidentified source says Lesner will be charged with 2 counts of unlawful hunting and one of not stopping when the animal tapped out.

A new church in Saskatoon is using high-tech solar panels alongside traditional stained glass.  The parish feels this will allow attendees to watch Rider games while in services without draining the electrical budget.

Montreal Canadians fans are incensed their new coach does not speak French.  Especially upset are reporters who say he has taken the joy out of ridiculing him by not being able to understand their attacks.

North Korea’s dictator Kim Jong Ill died this week with officials saying the last undisputed dictatorship now resides in Toronto and have nicknamed him Kim Jong Burke.

BS in the BCS

Police in Calgary are warning people about the dangers of ecstasy saying the drug has been linked to deaths and overdoses.  The easiest way to get off ecstasy say experts is to stop cheering for the Flames.

An Alberta mom has given birth to 2 New Year’s babies in a row.  The odds on this are just slightly higher than the Flames winning 2 games in a row.

Calgary Stampeders QB Henry Burris was traded to the Hamilton Tiger Cats.  Burris says he will miss the chance to go for a Grey Cup and getting into his neighbors D cups.

Since Toronto Maple Leafs coach Ron Wilson received a contract extension the team has lost 3 games in a row.   GM Brian Burke was nonplused saying if he had let Wilson go he would be losing games with a much better team.

NY Rangers coach John Tortorella said he believes the NHL and NBC tried to fix the Winter Classic to go into overtime.  A spokesman for the NHL says the game was not fixed but he does expect Tortorella to be neutered.

The Montreal Canadians have apologized for not hiring a bilingual coach saying they thought a unilingual coach could just as easily waive the white flag.

God was asked why he had abandoned Tim Tebow during the last 3 games of the season only to be at his side in the overtime win against Pittsburgh.  God said Christmas is a tough time for him what with birthday preparations and all the rappers releasing albums, but likes to throw in a miracle as a New Year’s treat for the devoted.

Boston Bruins forward Brad Marchand was repent for his hit on Vancouver Canucks Sami Salo saying he was only protecting himself from a bigger opponent.  This explains why Marchand only received 5 games as the NHL believed his apology was really big of him.

With the BCS championship game over we can now finally say goodbye to College football, except for the court cases, suspensions and drug arrests.

Hundreds of people attended the opening day of public hearings that may determine the fate of a controversial plan to build the Northern Gateway pipeline to the West Coast from Alberta's oilsands in the First Nations community of Kitamaat Village, B.C.  In addition to the usual suspects it was surprising to see the NHL represented, saying they will support the pipeline but only if the NHLPA gives up some revenue.

Finance Minister Jim Flaherty says the next budget will be “prudent” which is like the NY Yankees saying they will spend “cautiously”.

A landmark Caribbean eatery is being forced to vacate its Queen Street East digs after a new landlord has ordered the restaurant off the property.  The Real Jerk recently received notice that the property located at Queen Street East and Broadview Avenue had been sold to a developer who wants the restaurant to leave by the end of the month.  An NHL spokesman was stunned saying they thought the real jerk was Brad Marchand.