The Ali Snuggle

A man from Quebec City says he has purchased the oldest hockey stick and confirmed it with carbon dating, expert analysis and asking Chris Chelios when he last used it.

With all the finger injuries to Toronto Blue Jays players team officials are now adding gelatine in addition to their regular drug regime.

It’s quite a year when the Blue Jays chances are hanging by their fingernails before the season even begins.

Olympic officials are said to be looking into the new LZR swimsuit which has been used by swimmers breaking 11 world records. The new suit is said to be more buoyant but does not pass the most critical test that being did the makers of the suit pay for Olympic Sponsorship?

Watching the women’s world curling championships who would have thought China would be so good at throwing rocks?

Greece is upset with Macedonia for attempting to enter NATO with the name of their country which is the same as a Greek Province. Canadian officials have offered a solution saying they should call the country the Rough Riders.

In an effort to increase viewers for the coming NHL playoffs NBC is trying out slogans to compete with the success of College Basketball’s March Madness. Suggestions include April Apathy, Ice Cold and What the Puck.

Female boxer Laila Ali is pregnant and says next time she should release from the clinch quicker.

The NFL is considering a rule to limit the length of a player’s hair saying there are too many less split ends on the split ends. The rule has gone to a vote where it is hoped it won’t end in a dreadlock.

Former slugger Jose Canseco says in his latest book NY Yankee Alex Rodriguez tried to hit on his wife but fortunately it was during the post season so he struck out.

A 425 sq. Mile chunk of ice has broken off from the Antarctic Shelf. Scientist suspect it is from Global Warming increased CO2 in the atmosphere or all the hot air surrounding the Jr. Hockey fight featuring Patrick Roy and his son.

There are calls for a ban on fighting in Jr. Hockey because as we all know if you ban something kids will immediately stop doing it.

The CBC is producing a movie on the life of Don Cherry with filming to start once they collar a director.

What’s the world coming to? I turned on the TV to watch a hockey fight and all I got was politicians and analysts fighting over fighting.

In recognition of Earth Hour the CBC has decided to move the hot air released during Coaches Corner to after 9:00 PM. In a related story Canadian teams have been asked not to score between 8:00 and 9:00 PM so as not to turn on the red light.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy has said they may boycott the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics. An official with the French Government later clarified the statement saying they would just be “fashionably late”.

Heath Benedict a 6’6” 320 lb. offensive lineman who was to enter the NFL draft this year was found dead on his couch. The cause of death has not yet been released while officials try to come up with another word for obvious.

Officials with the America’s Cup Yacht Race are upset the competing teams will be decided in court saying it is the worst case of rich men fighting over their boats since last Tuesday.

Vancouver Canucks goalie Roberto Luongo has left the team to be with his wife while she gives birth. In a show of support the rest of the teams fighting for a playoff spot in the Western Conference were seen handing out cigars.