Higher, Faster, Nap Time!

Not sure who has the most moral victories a preacher in a Los Vegas brothel or the Canadian Olympic team.

With CBS using delays in the PGA to show re-runs of previous Tiger Woods victories it was one of the only tournaments officials have prayed for rain.

After years of effort commitment and sacrifice Canadian swimmer Brian Johns made it to the final in his discipline and finished 7^th. After he came out of the pool the CBC reporter rushed up to him and asked “Do you think Michael Phelps could win 8 gold medals?” Other questions the reporter considered asking were “If Michael Phelps was a tree what kind would he be?”, “Does the water feel different when Michael Phelps is in it?”, and “How many Michael Phelps does it take to change a light bulb?”

It’s ironic that the Australians dominate the water events, the Cubans are great on the beach and yet the US isn’t the best on the shooting range.

It’s a tossup as to what gets an American announcer more excited when a swimmer wins a gold medal or when a gymnast blows a dismount.

Which picture of Canadian youth was more accurate the one of Olympic athletes struggling to keep up with the best in the world or the McDonalds commercial of them stuffing themselves?

This just in Michael Phelps may have gills and fins, stay tuned.

Olympic volleyball player Dyke from Holland is the Canadian equivalent of being named Barry from Saskatoon, Bud from BC or Dick from Toronto.

A riot raged out of control in Montreal this week until officials advised the public the game they saw on TV was a replay of the playoff victory by the Montreal Canadians.

American swimmer Katie Hoff made history when she lost her race by not extending her hand at the end the first time an American swimmer didn’t give the competition the finger.

Parts of the Beijing Olympic Opening Ceremony was pre recorded with the discovery coming when close inspection revealed it had been taped over an earlier Super Bowl pre-game run-through.

In an effort to avoid negative distractions the Canadian Olympic athletes should follow the Chinese lead and block all the websites and news coverage coming out of Canada.

Brett Favre says his arm is fatigued not from practicing but pointing fingers at the people responsible for his leaving Green Bay.

It is reported US swimmer Michael Phelps is double jointed thus giving him the same kind of advantage as Canadian snowboarder Ross Rebagliati.

More stunning news on the scandal involving the Chinese singer in the opening ceremony as it is now reported the words were sung by Brittany Spears and the little girl was actually Mini Me in drag.

Canadian fencer Sherraine Schalm was suddenly kicked out of her Hungarian training camp just before the Olympics and after losing to a former training partner let loose with a string of F-Bombs at the team a clear case of Hungarian Girl Lash.

Top 3 signs the Olympic gymnast is underage

# 3 When she finishes her routine and sticks a finger in the air it doesn’t mean we’re # 1 it means I have to pee.

# 2 Pre competition advice includes keeping toes pointed, sticking the landing and not taking candy from strangers.

# 1 Sponsors lining up for endorsements include Gerber’s, Pampers and Toys R Us.

By far and away the best synchronized diving has come from the soccer pitch.

Volunteers for the Canadian Briar in Calgary are being asked to pay $100 which shows how deep the hog line is becoming.

To save up the $100 most curling fans will now have to give their grandkids $5 instead of $10 for their birthday.

There was a strange development on the shooting range, when the athletes from Georgia and Russia were disqualified after shooting each other’s targets.

Tigers Tanks

Former TSN reporter Leif Petterson died last week giving the sports channel a diversion from talking about Jesse Lumsden.

After seeing the injury plagued Roughriders win their 6th game in a row you have to wonder if watermelons are a performance enhancer.

With the next game in less than a week both the Roughriders and Stampeders flew out quickly after their game with Calgary using Air Canada and Regina chartering an Air Ambulance.

An Arkansas man has paid over $1.5 million for a Honus Wagner baseball card and said later it made the coolest noise in his bike spokes.

Nike says it has found numerous violations in workers conditions in one of their factories in Malaysia and plans to move the factory to China where these kind of conditions won’t be reported.

The offer of $20 million to Brett Favre to not lob bombs is second only to the amount the International Community gave North Korea.

Not sure what was my favourite part of X-Games the skateboarding, the motorcycle stunts or the Mini Me sex tape.

Officials are baffled by the appearance of human feet in numerous places in North America including BC shores, Washington State Beaches and in the mouth of Green Bay Packers GM Ted Thompson.

Olympic athlete Kyle Shewfelt and his girlfriend broke up just before he left for Beijing after he received the dreaded Dear Jung letter.

It is so hot at the Beijing Games that despite losing their first game the US Women’s soccer team still ripped off their shirts.

A Boston Red Sox fan is suing the NY Yankee organization after being harassed while cheering for his team at Yankee Stadium. This is the first case of a Boston fan being harassed in NY since last time they played.

Former Minnesota Wild defenseman Sean Hill has signed with a Swiss team and announced the news by saying it was about time.

A former “Lost Boy” of the Sudan will be the flag bearer for the US Olympic team beating out the 2004 Olympic Basketball team or the boys who lost.

Top 3 signs you may not win a medal at the Oplymics
# 3 The Viagra you took for a performance enhancer kept you up all night
# 2 You started performing when the triple jump was called the hop, skip and jump
# 1 Your trap shooting coach is Dick Cheney

Top 3 signs the athlete may not be a woman
# 3 Her nickname is bag of marbles
# 2 Constantly complaining about her 4 o’clock shadow
# 1 Wins her race by an Adams Apple

TSN (Toronto Sports Network) is said to be creating a new network called TSN2. The programs will focus on events from the past including This week in Maple Leafs history, This month in Maple Leafs history and this year in Maple Leafs history.

A mould is wiping out old tapes around the world and sporting historians are worried they will not be able to save film from the last Chicago Cubs World Series win, Toronto Maple Leafs last Stanley Cup triumph or the New England Patriots special edition Super Bowl run-through.

This week the Chinese Tiger will host the Olympics, the USA’s Tiger will miss the PGA Open and thanks to George Bush it will cost $1.40 a litre to put a tiger in your tank.

Members of the US Olympic basketball team say they are really looking forward to going to China because now they can find out what the characters they tattooed on their body really mean.

4 Down time

The Chicago White Sox say they coveted Ken Griffey Jr. for a long time but had to wait until a spot opened up on their injured reserved.

A report says the Green Bay Packers offered Brett Favre $20 million to not play this year surpassing the previous record for payment without playing held by North Korea.

Huston Rockets centre Yao Ming says he is not concerned about the acquisition of Ron Artest and in fact has brought him back some Chinese toys as a welcoming gift.

Hall of Fame quarterback Warren Moon has been found guilty of negligent driving and has the option of spending 2 days in jail, 5 days being electronically monitored or a attending a barbecue with Matt Dunigan.

Now that NBA referee Tim Donaghy has been sentenced to 15 months for fixing games the only over/under left for him is the choice of bunk beds.

The Little League World Series has adopted instant replay for controversial calls such as home runs, fair or foul balls and legitimacy of birth certificates.

Not sure what will scare LA Dodgers fans more being in the stadium during an earthquake or when Manny Ramirez settles under a fly ball.

The Write Stiff

The King of Egypt has created a Peace Camp for survivors of war torn countries to play sports and should not be confused to NFL players who like a piece during camp.

With Michelle Wie being disqualified for not signing her score card it pretty well confirms she doesn’t have the write stuff.

Interesting call during the Roughrider-Argonauts game where upon further review the refs decided to give the ball to the Roughies and assure themselves a path back to their hotel.

If the Riders can lose a couple more quarterbacks and star receivers they could go undefeated.

At the end of the Canadian Open Police tackled the trainer of the winning golfer as he was spraying champagne over him. This was an honest mistake as Toronto Police are unfamiliar with how to handle a celebration.

The Roughriders have had their last 2 home games interrupted by a lightning storm which has to have some magic in it because they keep pulling quarterbacks out of their hat.

What a week Brett Favre retires and now wants to play, Mats Sundin hasn’t retired but doesn’t want to play and Manny Ramirez is playing like he’s retired.

Scientists say it will soon be possible to live to 150 years which will mean we go to school until we are 30, marry when we are 70 but will still have to retire from professional hockey before Chris Chelios.

One of the benefits of living to 150 is their will be a chance fans may see the Toronto Maple Leafs win a Stanley Cup in their lifetime.

I’m not sure which sounds more fun rear ending Dancia Patrick or finding out she’s hot for me afterwards.

Top 3 Signs your NHL arbitration hearing is getting nasty...

#3 Team says 25 of your goals were “fluky”

#2 You’re asking for a $1 million raise and the team wants a refund

# 1 Team hires Simon Cowell to discuss your shortcomings

Before Payton Manning and another Indianapolis Colt were sidelined with the condition I thought a Bursa Sac was an exceptional play by a defensive lineman named Bubba Bursa.

Religious leaders in BC are asking the question “Would Jesus rope a calf?” in protest to Rodeo events. Other sermons being considered are...

“Would Lots wife turn to a pillar of salt on an NBA road trip?”

“Could Moses part the algae from the Chinese sailing venue?”

“If Max Mosley gets slapped does he turn the other cheek?”

By calling up Canadian pitcher Scott Richmond for a meaningless Blue Jays game and thus making him ineligible for the Olympics, manager JP Riccardi confirmed Dick isn’t just for people named Richard.

Top 3 signs your NFL draft pick got a free pass in College

#3 Hopes to double his signing bonus by sending it to a Nigerian Oil Minister

#2 Needed 3 tries to get his name right on the contract

#1 Says he will play in the CFL if his contract demands are not met

Bench warrants look

With Buck Peirce, Dave Dickenson, Michael Bishop, Kevin Glenn and Marcus Crandal all on the bench this must be the first year the back-up quarterbacks combined make more than the CFL salary cap.

Asked how the Riders won the game Riders coach said “well Durant ran ran yes Durant ran...” And yes that joke was despite the earlier warning from Cam about Duran Duran references...

The only people that don’t want to see Darian Durant play against Kerry Joseph this week is Marcus Crandal’s family and they are split...

The Federal Government is moving to remove the availability of 40 year mortgages saying NHL teams should be able to sign a player to shorter terms.

The Canadian media is puzzled by all the US networks devoting so much time covering Barack Obama because from all reports they can see no connection between him and Mats Sundin.

I guess it is a pretty straight up transaction when TSN obtained Canada’s second national anthem and CBC acquired Mike Millbury a second rate anathema from TSN

In what may be a first the Green Bay Packers will hoist Brett Favres jersey to the rafters with him still in it.

Twenty five years ago Kansas City Royals George Brett was involved in the famous pine tar incident and to celebrate the day Tour de France officials have decided to tar and feather the latest riders caught cheating.

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman says he should be given credit for keeping the team in Nashville and if he does will be the only person involved in the deal that had credit.

Awkward moment during the MLS All Star game press conference when David Beckham was asked if he thinks Mats Sundin should sign with Vancouver

Interesting toast by F1 head Max Mosley after he won his privacy suit in an English court, “Bottoms Up!”

The straight dope

Jockey Jeremy Rose was sanctioned for hitting a horse in the eye with his whip and his punishment included a suspension, anger management classes and a seminar from Marv Albert on the proper use of a crop.

The popular Iraqi national soccer team was disbanded by officials in the Government in what has to be a soccercide bummer.

I think Brett Favre is spending too much time with the Green Bay cheese heads because he is milking his retirement way too much.

With Calgary facing severe housing shortages, homelessness and a lack of Hospital beds the Stampede Board say they desperately need to spend $500 million on the rodeo proving it’s not just the cowboys who are good at tossing around bull.

US Banks are having a record run on their stability which experts blame on the sub-prime mortgage scandal, increasing jobs cuts and too many NBA draft picks trying to cash their bonus cheques all at once.

The New Yorker Magazine is defending the cover portraying Barack Obama and his wife Michelle as terrorists as satire. Editors with the magazine say it is similar to showing the Cubs hoisting the World Series trophy, The Leafs celebrating a Stanley Cup win or Don Cherry kissing a speedy French Canadian playmaker.

Top 3 ways to sell golf now that Tiger Woods is injured
# 3 Allow members in the gallery to try and block the tee shots
# 2 Hire Hooters girls to retrieve shots that go in the water
# 1 Have NASCAR drivers race players to their balls in pimped out carts

Hundreds of people lined up demanding their money back saying they believe the institution wouldn’t make until the end of summer but officials with the Toronto Blue Jays say they won’t give season ticket holders a refund.

Texas Rangers slugger Josh Hamilton gives all of the credit for his success to finding God causing MLB officials to open an inquiry as to whether Holy Spirits could be considered performance enhancing.

Free agent running back Travis Henry the father of nine children with nine different women has tested positive for marijuana putting to rest the myth the drug is not a performance enhancer.

After being released by the Denver Broncos, Travis apparently needed to find his own mile high state.

Is Hellboy a movie or what a Chinese labourer says to his wife when she asks him how his day was after scooping algae out of the Olympic sailing venue?

Restaurants in Beijing will still be able to sell donkey to Olympic visitors thus assuring the US men’s basketball team can get a decent piece of ass.

Alexander Medvedev of the Russian Continental Hockey League has offered $200,000 to the Nashville Predators for signing away Alexander Radulov. The figure is insulting for Nashville which spent more than that on lawyers to avoid paying the Russians when they first lured Radulov away.

Former Ottawa Senators goalie Ray Emery has denied he has a drug problem saying the only dope was him.

After hours of careful scrutiny I can say without a doubt the pictures of the half naked women were not Winnipeg Blue Bomber cheerleaders because there is not a single mosquito bite on them.

It might have been a corporate tie-in when customers of failed bank IndyMac were told they could only take out 500.

I’m conflicted as to who plays the best Two-Face Tommy Lee Jones, Aaron Eckhart or NHL GM’s during salary arbitration.

The number of homeless people in Calgary has risen significantly in the last few months with official blaming the high cost of housing, low wage jobs and an increase in the Stampeders practice roster.

China has reacted to the outrage in Western media outlets that they are not being open by offering reporters a special viewing of the military to be held at Tiananmen Square.

The MLB All Star Game was played like a chess game by the manager of the AL team using the sacrifice bunt, sacrifice fly and especially sending out Red Sox closer Jonathon Papelbon as the sacrificial lamb.

Brett Favre says no team in their right mind would spend a good chunk of their salary cap to have a successful quarterback carrying a clipboard to which Argos Michael Bishop said “don’t be too sure”.

Stephen Page the lead singer of the Barenaked Ladies who played at an NHL All Star game was arrested on charges of cocaine possession so I guess we know what he would buy with $1 million dollars.

Alpine Canada CEO Ken Read stepped down because his son was promoted to the Jr. Ski circuit. This is different than the NHL which has more nepotism than an Arkansas wedding.

In his next cage match UFC fighter Rampage Jackson may not be eager to tap out.

Isn’t fleeing from police in a vehicle with your picture on the side like trying to leave the scene of an accident in the Popemobile?

Who could have thought a guy who named himself Rampage, wears a chain around his neck, howls in the air and makes a living beating the snot out of people would have road rage?

There was an awkward moment as Police were arresting Rampage Jackson for his demolition derby when they ran out of handcuffs and had to borrow the chain on his neck.

Toronto Argos lineman Ross Weaver is getting married this weekend and will miss the game against the Eskimos as it is more important to secure a game chick than a game cheque.

Canada beat South Korea in an exciting basketball game played in Athens Greece and witnessed by over 30 people if you include the referees, coaches and towel boys.

The Toronto Maple Leafs added an extra pre-season game to their schedule and officials are confident this will make up for not making the playoffs for the past 3 years.
The Leafs say the quality of the game will be up to their meaningless regular season games calibre.

After being scheduled for surgery you have to wonder if Florida Marlins pitcher Sergio Mitre saw it coming.

The NFL says they will crack down on players using gang signs which could cause some confusion as the outlawed signs include “V” for victory, a single finger indicating #1 and the full fist for power. Officials said they became suspicious when members of the Miami Dolphins were seen using the gestures.

Losing house and home

Officials with the Stampede say the number of people taking in the event makes up the 4th largest population in Alberta after Calgary, Edmonton and the Rider Nation.

The new movie that stars an unpopular Los Angeles hero that can fly though the air and hits on other men’s women did much better with the title Hancock than the original name Kobe.

Green Bay Packers coach Mike McCarthy was grilled by an 11 year old girl on the status of Brett Favre returning to the team and while trying to answer the question his pants set on fire.

The Kentucky Horse Racing Commission is considering a ban on steroids saying the old grey mares are not only what they used to be but not what they are supposed to be.

Now that Seattle has lost their NBA team the way is open for the City to pursue an NHL franchise. Using the Gary Bettman formula they have a substandard arena, with no ownership or fan base and most important are not in Canada.

Michael Vick is filing for bankruptcy and hopes the judge will throw him a bone.

In order to lower salaries players going to arbitration have been advised by NHL officials they can choose between Judge Judy, Judge Wapner or Judge Dread.

With the Russian Continental League signing NHL players like Chris Simon and Ray Emery you have to wonder if they are competition for the NHL or a Rehab Clinic.

Officials with the NY Yankees say the rumours of A-Rod and Madonna are false and in fact she is doing an article on the team and has been imbedded for a few weeks.

Olympic officials are in panic mode as a giant swarm of locust threatens to invade Beijing while restaurants are scrambling to get them on the menu.

Officials with the Toronto Argonauts have confirmed offensive coordinator Steve Burrato has been stripped of his ability to call plays and they will now come from Buffalo.

Coney Island had their annual wiener eating contest this weekend beating the previous record of most hot dogs at an event set by the NBA All Star Game.

Calgary Flames defenseman Robyn Regehr visited Africa with a charity group called Right to play and while he was at a village he had children licking his arm. When he asked a local what they called this he was told “tenderizing”.

According to LA Clipper fans traitor is now a Brand name.

Top 3 excuses for not attending the MLB All Star Game
# 3 Already over players targeted carbon footprint
# 2 Wife worried Madonna is still in New York
# 1 Player has previous engagement for meaningless family outing

The Canadian Government will place strict new rules on individuals purchasing a new home however NHL GMs will still be able to mortgage their futures.

A survey says Swedish senior citizens are the World’s most active in the sheets which might explain all the loving Mats Sundin is getting from NHL GMs.

Formula 1 head Max Mosley is in court suing London’s News of the World for a headline that read “Formula 1 Boss has sick Nazi Orgy with 5 Hookers”. Mosley admits he had an orgy with 5 hookers and they humiliated and abused him and were dressed in German military uniforms but any history major could tell you the uniforms were clearly Fascist and not Nazi.

The federal Government is looking at changing the so called marriages of convenience or as it is know in sports free agency.

The Toronto Argonauts have placed quarterback Michael Bishop on waiver with a right to recall which is odd since they fail to recall they he was signed to an extension this summer.

The Chicago Cubs say they picked up Rich Harden to improve their pitching which is the ultimate 7th inning stretch.