Verizon Wireless has released former NBA star Charles Barkley from his job as spokesman saying he had too many 69’s in his Fave 5.
Lance Armstrong made his comeback to professional cycling this week and when asked how it went said he had a ball.
Former Edmonton Oiler Glenn Anderson had his number retired and asked whether it was overdue his ex-wife replied not as much as his child supports payments.
The Toronto Raptors are shopping Jermaine O’Neil around to teams with team scouts visiting various Hospitals for a suitable replacement.
Vancouver residents were thrilled when they heard the City was taking over the athletes village until they found out they were turning the Condos into a Co-op not Grow-Op.
The NHL and the NHLPA have signed an agreement on how to share revenues from future International events. Instead of the money going into the pension fund the players union will be able to invest it as they see fit. The cash is creating interest from Detroit Auto makers, wonky NHL franchises and the player’s wives.
Over 2 million people attended the Inauguration of Barack Obama with no arrests. Officials credit the spirit of the event, a sense of history and the fact the Wizards were on a road trip.
US Airways is giving each of the passengers on the ill fated flight that landed in the Hudson River a $ 5,000 refund. Officials with the NY Jets say despite their late season crash they are not giving season ticket holders anything.
The Canadian Real Estate Board has forecast the Canadian housing market will stabilize this coming year. They also predict Hamilton will win the Grey Cup, Ottawa will win the Stanley Cup and Packman Jones will stop shooting people.
The Vancouver Olympic Committee is trying to find savings in the operating budget. Suggestions include cancelling medal ceremonies, creating more economical housing and tapping into the existing Green economy.
Top 5 signs you didn’t deserve your NHL All Star selection
# 5 The only statistic you lead your team in is hot ex-girlfriends
# 4 Over ¾ of the votes for you came from a computer registered to your mom
# 3 Your goals against average would be a pretty good GPA in University
# 2 Team sends you down to the minors for a 20 game conditioning stint and you are not injured
# 1 You are the best player on the Leafs
The Edmonton Indy reported they had a loss of $ 5.3 million on the last race. Officials blame the result on a lack of sponsors, reduced TV revenue and bribes paid to get the drivers to attend.
A spokesman for the Montreal Grand Prix was dismissive of the loss calling the organizers amateurs.
Packman Jones is being sued by his lawyer for failing to pay the bills on over 18 cases. Jones defended himself saying he was sure he had an agreement that if he commits one offense he gets the next one free.
NY Islanders owner is trying to pressure civic officials into approving his new arena/condo complex by threatening to move the team to Saskatoon. This is like telling your boss to give you a raise or you will take that job at McDonalds.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals say Michael Vick should be given a psychiatric evaluation before he is allowed to play in the NFL. If there is any group that is familiar with mental illness it’s one that runs naked to protest fur, drives dinghies into warships in protest of seals and thinks Kate Moss is a role model.
Former receiver Michael Irvine is producing a Reality TV show with the winner being invited to the Dallas Cowboys training camp. Contestants will have to pass a physical, show athletic talent and show an ability to start drunken brawls at a Club.
The really difficult part will be paring down the judging contenders to be the male version of Paula Abdul.
The Chicago Tribune has given its recommendation as to who will buy the Chicago Cubs to a financial panel. Sources close to the deal say the name will be announced once former Illinois Governor Rod Blagvoyavitch gets his cut.
The brother of disgraced slugger Mark McGuire says he will pen a tell-all book saying he introduced the home run hitter to steroids. The brother says he will also admit to using steroids, injecting Mark and give proof his sister is a tramp.
The Milwaukee Brewers have signed Prince Fielder to a 2 year contract worth #19 million. This is after the 2 sides were about to enter arbitration where Fielder wanted $8 million and the team was offering $6 million or as his agent called it a late Christmas gift.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Hell of Fame
In advance of the NFL playoff game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Baltimore Ravens the Mayor of Pittsburgh says he will go to court to change his name from Ravenstahl to Steelerstahl. In related news his wife is also petitioning the court to but she wants to go back to her maiden name.
It’s too bad President Bush wasn’t involved in professional sports because his dismal approval ratings and utter failure of performance would pretty well guarantee him a job on TV as an expert analyst.
The Vancouver Olympics is in trouble and taxpayers are on the hook for a $1 billion housing development. Vancouver residents were pretty calm about the turn of events with most saying they didn’t even know they were hosting the games.
In light of the turn of events Vancouver is changing the slogan from “Own the Podium” to “Own the Buildings”.
Hoping to follow in the footsteps of Illinois Governor Rod Blogvoyavitch, Plaxico Burris held a news conference about his criminal proceedings and ended it with a poem that began “There once was a man from Nantucket...”
San Francisco Giants pitcher Barry Zito was reportedly seen partying with Paris Hilton. A spokesman for Zito says he was just getting some advice on how to toe the rubber.
It looks like Montreal Canadians goalie Carey Price will not be able to compete in the NHL All Star game and so Montreal voters have started a campaign to see Ken Dryden named as his replacement.
The CFL has held the salary cap at $4.2 million saying it would be reckless to have players make a living wage when so many are out of work.
The original plan was to raise the cap and then McDonalds reduced the extra value meal.
CBC says they will no longer broadcast Toronto Blue Jays games thus depriving women in Canada of yet another opportunity to complain about not going out.
Judging from the looks of him the only way the Montreal Canadians can lure Vinny Lecavalier away from Tampa Bay is to throw in a free membership to Fabutan.
Top 5 signs you may not get elected into the Baseball Hall of Fame
# 5 Your nickname was “Mr. April”
# 4 The only time you led the team in runs was after trips to Taco Bell
# 3 BALCO named you customer of the year
# 2 Your last team traded you for some Canadian Maple Bats
# 1 Your rosin bag usually tested positive
It’s too bad President Bush wasn’t involved in professional sports because his dismal approval ratings and utter failure of performance would pretty well guarantee him a job on TV as an expert analyst.
The Vancouver Olympics is in trouble and taxpayers are on the hook for a $1 billion housing development. Vancouver residents were pretty calm about the turn of events with most saying they didn’t even know they were hosting the games.
In light of the turn of events Vancouver is changing the slogan from “Own the Podium” to “Own the Buildings”.
Hoping to follow in the footsteps of Illinois Governor Rod Blogvoyavitch, Plaxico Burris held a news conference about his criminal proceedings and ended it with a poem that began “There once was a man from Nantucket...”
San Francisco Giants pitcher Barry Zito was reportedly seen partying with Paris Hilton. A spokesman for Zito says he was just getting some advice on how to toe the rubber.
It looks like Montreal Canadians goalie Carey Price will not be able to compete in the NHL All Star game and so Montreal voters have started a campaign to see Ken Dryden named as his replacement.
The CFL has held the salary cap at $4.2 million saying it would be reckless to have players make a living wage when so many are out of work.
The original plan was to raise the cap and then McDonalds reduced the extra value meal.
CBC says they will no longer broadcast Toronto Blue Jays games thus depriving women in Canada of yet another opportunity to complain about not going out.
Judging from the looks of him the only way the Montreal Canadians can lure Vinny Lecavalier away from Tampa Bay is to throw in a free membership to Fabutan.
Top 5 signs you may not get elected into the Baseball Hall of Fame
# 5 Your nickname was “Mr. April”
# 4 The only time you led the team in runs was after trips to Taco Bell
# 3 BALCO named you customer of the year
# 2 Your last team traded you for some Canadian Maple Bats
# 1 Your rosin bag usually tested positive
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Hockey Bites!
Russian Jr. Hockey star Nikkita Filapov says Canada had God on their side to which Don Cherry replied well I’m not actually a God.
Now we know why people from Sudbury call it Gods country.
Dreamworks studio is handing out 150 million 3-D glasses for people to see a commercial at the Super Bowl. Not to be outdone the Detroit Lions have plans next year to hand out blindfolds.
Seeing Vancouver sign Mats Sundin to compliment the other Swedish players on the team you have to think they are serious at a playoff run because what team doesn’t want a squad of Swedes for the post season.
Top 5 Sports stories from 2008
# 5 Chinese female gymnasts showing you can turn back the clock
$ 4 Sean Avery proving being first doesn’t make you a winner
# 3 Travis Henry holstered his gun while Plaxico Burris left his at home
# 2 Usain Bolt winning sprint Gold medals in a walk
# 1 Barack Obama bowling over voters without knocking over a single pin
A world wide poll is being conducted to find the greatest natural wonders of the world. Canada’s entries include Niagara Falls, Alberta’s Dinosaur Park and the annual faith of Toronto Maple Leaf fans.
The economic downturn is taking a toll on curling with prize money being reduced from a 2-4 to a mere 6-pack.
Watching NHL players skid out of control at recent games I have to wonder if they are using the new heated blade skates. Maybe someone forgot to mention skating on water only works if they don’t have to turn.
Not sure what was more surprising a Newfoundland woman mistaking labour pains for kidney stones or the Detroit Lions mistaking an unbeaten pre-season as a sign of prosperity.
TSN is hosting a curling Skins game between Glen Howard and Jennifer Jones and I am crossing my fingers Howard is designated shirts.
I know Montreal was trying to fix the voting for the NHL All-star game but really who would have thought Jean Chretien would be starting at centre?
Italian cyclist Leonardo Piepoli says he turned to steroids in a moment of weakness the first time an athlete has used that excuse since Christmas.
After biting the finger of an opposing player Jarko Rutu of the Ottawa Senators was sentenced to a 2 game suspension but in a bit of luck has landed a part in the next Twilight movie.
Now we know why people from Sudbury call it Gods country.
Dreamworks studio is handing out 150 million 3-D glasses for people to see a commercial at the Super Bowl. Not to be outdone the Detroit Lions have plans next year to hand out blindfolds.
Seeing Vancouver sign Mats Sundin to compliment the other Swedish players on the team you have to think they are serious at a playoff run because what team doesn’t want a squad of Swedes for the post season.
Top 5 Sports stories from 2008
# 5 Chinese female gymnasts showing you can turn back the clock
$ 4 Sean Avery proving being first doesn’t make you a winner
# 3 Travis Henry holstered his gun while Plaxico Burris left his at home
# 2 Usain Bolt winning sprint Gold medals in a walk
# 1 Barack Obama bowling over voters without knocking over a single pin
A world wide poll is being conducted to find the greatest natural wonders of the world. Canada’s entries include Niagara Falls, Alberta’s Dinosaur Park and the annual faith of Toronto Maple Leaf fans.
The economic downturn is taking a toll on curling with prize money being reduced from a 2-4 to a mere 6-pack.
Watching NHL players skid out of control at recent games I have to wonder if they are using the new heated blade skates. Maybe someone forgot to mention skating on water only works if they don’t have to turn.
Not sure what was more surprising a Newfoundland woman mistaking labour pains for kidney stones or the Detroit Lions mistaking an unbeaten pre-season as a sign of prosperity.
TSN is hosting a curling Skins game between Glen Howard and Jennifer Jones and I am crossing my fingers Howard is designated shirts.
I know Montreal was trying to fix the voting for the NHL All-star game but really who would have thought Jean Chretien would be starting at centre?
Italian cyclist Leonardo Piepoli says he turned to steroids in a moment of weakness the first time an athlete has used that excuse since Christmas.
After biting the finger of an opposing player Jarko Rutu of the Ottawa Senators was sentenced to a 2 game suspension but in a bit of luck has landed a part in the next Twilight movie.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
The Mammoth Hunter
The Winter Classic was held in Chicago and the response was so great the only person with seats left at a reasonable price was Governor Rod Blagojevich.
Before the game each person was given a card to hold up at a certain time to spell out sayings for the TV audience. I think someone got to the printer because when they asked for people to turn up their cards it spelled out “For Sale... 1 Senate Seat”.
Veteran Detroit Red Wings defenseman Chris Chelios was a part of the Winter Classic, the 1st time he has played in a meaningful outdoor game since the Neanderthals played the Cro-Magnons for the Mammoth Cup.
How old is Chelios? When he played hockey outside as a kid players wore beaver skin helmets. He met Lord Stanley personally. He had to carve out his own stick as part of clearing the land.
Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is lobbying for the next Winter Classic and says it should be international because from her window she can see that Russia has a pretty good team.
The Denver Broncos held a press conference with both owner Pat Bowlen and ex-coach Mike Shanahan coming close to tears. Mike was chocked up because his time in Denver was done and Pat was near tears because he was still going to have to pay Mike $15 million on his contract.
John Daley was suspended from the PGA tour for 6 months or as he calls it Miller Time.
Charles Barkley was stopped for suspicion of drunk driving so I guess he doesn’t have a designated driver in his my 5.
In what must be a first the Toronto Maple Leafs forward Jiri Thusty was recalled from the minors when the team posted a comment on his Facebook page for him to get dressed and report to Toronto.
Everyone is so in awe of how focused the fans are at the Winter Classic but it is only because no one can IM without freezing off a digit.
In another show of common sense leadership, President elect Barack Obama declined an invitation to stand in a frozen Wrigley Field and instead remained on the beach in Hawaii.
Top 5 Signs your team had a bad 2008
# 5 Team had lousy chemistry but yet many tested positive
# 4 Teams 3 biggest injuries were lower body, upper body and lead.
# 3 Your top soccer striker was a Canadian
# 2 The only time the team had a sell-out was Fathers Day.
And the # 1 sign your team had a bad 2008...
Your countries Olympic gymnastics team was already past puberty
With Tony Sparano having such a successful year and the NY Ginats courting Jets assistant coach Steve Spagnulo for their vacancy how long until we see Big Pussy on an NFL bench?
Forensic accountants have uncovered a possible game fixing scandal in the mafia when as part of their net gains on the balance sheet they included tennis players.
Being surprised tennis is fixed is like believing a 180 pound second baseman can hit 40 home runs naturally.
Top 5 signs your NFL coach is going to be fired
# 5 Believes character is more important than winning
# 4 Alcohol level is higher than winning percentage
# 3 Tried an end around with the Cheerleaders
# 2 Keeps sending out the kicker to block on short yardage plays
And the # 1 sign your NFL coach is going to be fired
He has 3 years left on his contract and the owner keeps praising him to the media.
Stuntman Robbie Knieveal flew over a volcano on his motorcycle on New Years the biggest leap of faith in sports in 2008. Other candidates were Brett Favre’s signing with the Jets, The Dallas Stars taking a chance on Sean Avery and any father that let his daughter date Travis Henry.
International cricket has adopted tough new drug testing for players and to be assured of compliance the tests will be administered as a part of tea time.
Officials say they became aware of the drug problems with players when they were spotted rubbing the cream on themselves at tea time.
Sprinter Usain Bolt was named Athlete of the Year for his world record sprints although he wasn’t the fastest man in a track suit to sprint after a gun went off. That honour went to Plaxico Burris.
Before the game each person was given a card to hold up at a certain time to spell out sayings for the TV audience. I think someone got to the printer because when they asked for people to turn up their cards it spelled out “For Sale... 1 Senate Seat”.
Veteran Detroit Red Wings defenseman Chris Chelios was a part of the Winter Classic, the 1st time he has played in a meaningful outdoor game since the Neanderthals played the Cro-Magnons for the Mammoth Cup.
How old is Chelios? When he played hockey outside as a kid players wore beaver skin helmets. He met Lord Stanley personally. He had to carve out his own stick as part of clearing the land.
Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is lobbying for the next Winter Classic and says it should be international because from her window she can see that Russia has a pretty good team.
The Denver Broncos held a press conference with both owner Pat Bowlen and ex-coach Mike Shanahan coming close to tears. Mike was chocked up because his time in Denver was done and Pat was near tears because he was still going to have to pay Mike $15 million on his contract.
John Daley was suspended from the PGA tour for 6 months or as he calls it Miller Time.
Charles Barkley was stopped for suspicion of drunk driving so I guess he doesn’t have a designated driver in his my 5.
In what must be a first the Toronto Maple Leafs forward Jiri Thusty was recalled from the minors when the team posted a comment on his Facebook page for him to get dressed and report to Toronto.
Everyone is so in awe of how focused the fans are at the Winter Classic but it is only because no one can IM without freezing off a digit.
In another show of common sense leadership, President elect Barack Obama declined an invitation to stand in a frozen Wrigley Field and instead remained on the beach in Hawaii.
Top 5 Signs your team had a bad 2008
# 5 Team had lousy chemistry but yet many tested positive
# 4 Teams 3 biggest injuries were lower body, upper body and lead.
# 3 Your top soccer striker was a Canadian
# 2 The only time the team had a sell-out was Fathers Day.
And the # 1 sign your team had a bad 2008...
Your countries Olympic gymnastics team was already past puberty
With Tony Sparano having such a successful year and the NY Ginats courting Jets assistant coach Steve Spagnulo for their vacancy how long until we see Big Pussy on an NFL bench?
Forensic accountants have uncovered a possible game fixing scandal in the mafia when as part of their net gains on the balance sheet they included tennis players.
Being surprised tennis is fixed is like believing a 180 pound second baseman can hit 40 home runs naturally.
Top 5 signs your NFL coach is going to be fired
# 5 Believes character is more important than winning
# 4 Alcohol level is higher than winning percentage
# 3 Tried an end around with the Cheerleaders
# 2 Keeps sending out the kicker to block on short yardage plays
And the # 1 sign your NFL coach is going to be fired
He has 3 years left on his contract and the owner keeps praising him to the media.
Stuntman Robbie Knieveal flew over a volcano on his motorcycle on New Years the biggest leap of faith in sports in 2008. Other candidates were Brett Favre’s signing with the Jets, The Dallas Stars taking a chance on Sean Avery and any father that let his daughter date Travis Henry.
International cricket has adopted tough new drug testing for players and to be assured of compliance the tests will be administered as a part of tea time.
Officials say they became aware of the drug problems with players when they were spotted rubbing the cream on themselves at tea time.
Sprinter Usain Bolt was named Athlete of the Year for his world record sprints although he wasn’t the fastest man in a track suit to sprint after a gun went off. That honour went to Plaxico Burris.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Shot the Wad at Xmas!
Police seized weapons and ammo at the home of Plaxico Burris sending him scrambling to find stocking stuffers for his posse.
The police also took his bloodied sweatpants and runners meaning he will have to visit Sports Mart before he can go out on New Years.
Due to a drop in advertising revenue the NY Times is said to be trying to sell their stake in the Boston Red Sox. The first clue the shares were for sale appeared in a Classified Ad under the heading “The perfect gift for the man who used to have everything”.
The trainer for Roger Clemens has reserved the right to sue Roger over his claims the trainer is lying about administering steroids. When asked if the trainer should have these rights a spokesman for Clemens says it is a bit of a stretch.
Lance Armstrong says his girlfriend became pregnant naturally and by this he meant she was introduced to Travis Henry. Lance is proud of being able to father a baby naturally despite losing a testicle to cancer, sitting on a bike for hours on end and getting sacked by Sheryl Crow.
With the economy in such trouble you would have thought the NY Yankees might wait until Boxing Day to see if they could get some of the players they wanted on sale.
The economic slowdown is hitting the 2010 Olympics with organizers saying they will not have individual ceremonies and instead mail winners their medals COD.
Top 3 Signs you probably made Santa’s naughty list
# 3 You left out Detroit Lions season tickets for Santa instead of cookies and milk
# 2 The only Holly, Noel and Candy you saw this season was at Club Supersex
# 1 Roger Clemens asks you to spike the Christmas punch
Minnesota Wild star Marian Gaborik has been told to take 2 games off to rest his sore groin or as they call it in the NBA a road trip injury.
NY Jets Shaun Ellis was fined $10,000 for throwing a snowball at fans and it could have been worse but NY Giants linebacker Antonio Pierce got the snow out of the City before anyone noticed.
President Bush gave out pardons this year to white collar criminals, tax evaders and the defensive line coaches for the Detroit Lions.
After seeing pictures of a buff President elect Obama SI is considering a new entrant for their swimsuit issue.
The police also took his bloodied sweatpants and runners meaning he will have to visit Sports Mart before he can go out on New Years.
Due to a drop in advertising revenue the NY Times is said to be trying to sell their stake in the Boston Red Sox. The first clue the shares were for sale appeared in a Classified Ad under the heading “The perfect gift for the man who used to have everything”.
The trainer for Roger Clemens has reserved the right to sue Roger over his claims the trainer is lying about administering steroids. When asked if the trainer should have these rights a spokesman for Clemens says it is a bit of a stretch.
Lance Armstrong says his girlfriend became pregnant naturally and by this he meant she was introduced to Travis Henry. Lance is proud of being able to father a baby naturally despite losing a testicle to cancer, sitting on a bike for hours on end and getting sacked by Sheryl Crow.
With the economy in such trouble you would have thought the NY Yankees might wait until Boxing Day to see if they could get some of the players they wanted on sale.
The economic slowdown is hitting the 2010 Olympics with organizers saying they will not have individual ceremonies and instead mail winners their medals COD.
Top 3 Signs you probably made Santa’s naughty list
# 3 You left out Detroit Lions season tickets for Santa instead of cookies and milk
# 2 The only Holly, Noel and Candy you saw this season was at Club Supersex
# 1 Roger Clemens asks you to spike the Christmas punch
Minnesota Wild star Marian Gaborik has been told to take 2 games off to rest his sore groin or as they call it in the NBA a road trip injury.
NY Jets Shaun Ellis was fined $10,000 for throwing a snowball at fans and it could have been worse but NY Giants linebacker Antonio Pierce got the snow out of the City before anyone noticed.
President Bush gave out pardons this year to white collar criminals, tax evaders and the defensive line coaches for the Detroit Lions.
After seeing pictures of a buff President elect Obama SI is considering a new entrant for their swimsuit issue.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
The Gift that keeps on smouldering
Top 3 Signs you are on Santa’s Naughty List
# 3 You get Detroit Lions tickets in your stocking
# 2 Unlike previous years no HGH in the sugarplums
# 1 Rudolph leaves his sloppy seconds on your carpet
The US Federal Reserve lowered the interest rate to near zero just about the same as for a Florida/Tampa Wednesday night NHL game.
Unusual week for things being thrown as President Bush had shoes hurled at him; Sean Avery had the book lobbed at him and the Cleveland Browns tossed in the towel.
Tennessee Titans QB Vince Young is suing a promoter over the use of the name inVINCEable. In other news a lawyer is trying to trademark the rights to the name unsAVERY.
Tiger Woods says his reconstructed leg will be better than ever and with an estimated loss of $6 million in earnings who can doubt him?
A man made medical history this week as he had a complete face transplant. Dr.’s say the anonymous patient is fine and hopes to resume his hockey career with a new team after he completes anger management therapy.
Buying holiday gifts must be tough for Kobe because with all the gifts he has given his wife over his affairs a diamond to him isn’t forever; at best it’s a stocking stuffer.
With the number of elderly sports executives having remarkable success rejuvenating franchises, maybe we should demand Don Cherry to be our Governor General.
Isn’t giving sports athletes a paid suspension like Santa putting you on the naughty list and still giving you a toy?
The way athletes are being fined for bad behaviour is impacting the lives of our children. Now instead of them being scared by stories like “Goldilocks and the 3 Bears” their biggest fear is the 15% escrows on their signing bonuses.
Athletes were hit hard when their investments evaporated this year. As a result teams retiring sweaters now have to both raise the jersey and pass the hat.
Chris Bosh had a horrible night shooting Wednesday with his scoring percentage less than the janitor gets trying to hook up at a Victoria Secret Christmas Party.
# 3 You get Detroit Lions tickets in your stocking
# 2 Unlike previous years no HGH in the sugarplums
# 1 Rudolph leaves his sloppy seconds on your carpet
The US Federal Reserve lowered the interest rate to near zero just about the same as for a Florida/Tampa Wednesday night NHL game.
Unusual week for things being thrown as President Bush had shoes hurled at him; Sean Avery had the book lobbed at him and the Cleveland Browns tossed in the towel.
Tennessee Titans QB Vince Young is suing a promoter over the use of the name inVINCEable. In other news a lawyer is trying to trademark the rights to the name unsAVERY.
Tiger Woods says his reconstructed leg will be better than ever and with an estimated loss of $6 million in earnings who can doubt him?
A man made medical history this week as he had a complete face transplant. Dr.’s say the anonymous patient is fine and hopes to resume his hockey career with a new team after he completes anger management therapy.
Buying holiday gifts must be tough for Kobe because with all the gifts he has given his wife over his affairs a diamond to him isn’t forever; at best it’s a stocking stuffer.
With the number of elderly sports executives having remarkable success rejuvenating franchises, maybe we should demand Don Cherry to be our Governor General.
Isn’t giving sports athletes a paid suspension like Santa putting you on the naughty list and still giving you a toy?
The way athletes are being fined for bad behaviour is impacting the lives of our children. Now instead of them being scared by stories like “Goldilocks and the 3 Bears” their biggest fear is the 15% escrows on their signing bonuses.
Athletes were hit hard when their investments evaporated this year. As a result teams retiring sweaters now have to both raise the jersey and pass the hat.
Chris Bosh had a horrible night shooting Wednesday with his scoring percentage less than the janitor gets trying to hook up at a Victoria Secret Christmas Party.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
You auto be a pitcher
Am I the only one who thinks the Tampa Bay Lightening are being set up to be a new chapter in the Saw horror movie franchise?
Former coach Barry Melrose went on a rant describing the meddling by the Tampa Bay owners saying they told him who to play, who to sit and who to axe. Sounds like a good plot. We could call it “Revenge of the hacked off mullet!”
Not to criticize Melrose but if you take a job coaching a team owned by a director, shouldn’t you take a look at the script first?
Tampa Bay owner Len Barrie tried to paint Melrose and an old fashioned coach out of touch with today’s player and had no system. New coach Rick Tocchet was quick to point out he has a system but is not sure if card counting will transfer to the ice.
The NHL owners had a presentation from a couple of economists at their winter meetings nicknamed Doom and Gloom. Organizers planned the event as a bit of comic relief after listening to the financial reports from Phoenix and Florida.
Dallas Cowboy owner Jerry Jones questioned the toughness of his star running back Marion Barber after he missed a game due to a broken pinkie toe. I guess a running back having a broken foot is totally different from a quarterback having a broken hand. As a way to get some perspective can’t Jones have his jaw wired shut so he can see what it is like to lose his meat and potatoes?
Jones later retracted his comments saying he thought Barber was so tough he could shoot himself and still play. A spokesman for Plaxico Burris replied “It’s tougher than you think”.
Top 3 signs CFL Teams are concerned about the financial climate
# 3 – A $14 Coke at a Stadium will now come with 50% off refill coupon
# 2 – Winnipeg Cheerleaders have opened a 1-900 number
# 1 – Watermelon futures are down sharply
Baseball teams are being very cautious with their money during the current free agency period. This has to be the first time the league has ever been charged with a balk.
The NY Yankees are being frugal despite their interest in star pitcher CC Sabathia. The Yankees are holding firm on their offer of no more than 250 times the average wage of an auto worker.
If you feel joy at the pain and suffering of someone the Germans have a word for it Schadenfreude. In Canada we call it following the Leafs.
Because there are so many athletes and owners you could feel Schadenfreude for I am conserving mine for an owner to be named later.
The real difference between European and US football is how the players deal with injuries. A Euro when hit will fall down like a shot whereas when a US player is felled it is usually by an actual bullet. Is it too late to call the Plaxico Burress incident a real thigh slapper?
Chicago Bulls star Derrick Rose was cut for 10 stitches after rolling over on a knife while sleeping. The really difficult part according to Rose was trying to get to sleep at the Club.
Researchers say chemicals in the water are affecting the testosterone level of men and when told of this Boston Celtics Glen “Big Baby” Davis broke into tears on the bench.
The NBA has introduced a line of clothing they say reflects the culture of the game. Designers say the sweatpants will make you look like the real deal but as always caution fans to wear a holster.
The NHL has a clothing line coming out in the spring which will feature work wear based on the Detroit Red Wings and a leisure line modeled on Maple Leaf players.
Despite making lousy cars Detroit auto executives told Congress their pay should not be affected and entered the roster of the Detroit Lions in as evidence.
Wouldn’t a real penalty for Sean Avery be to force him to play 6 more games against Dion Phaneuf?
Wall Street is being hit by a cash crunch; Main Street is pummelled with layoffs and foreclosures and it appears Easy Street is in the midst of a psychiatric meltdown.
Columbus Blue Jacket prospect Stefan Legein lost his passion for hockey over the summer but has since found it while beginning his alternate career at McDonalds.
Legein says he had to decompress after an injury and weigh the pros and cons of a professional career. He came to the conclusion a hockey paycheque would allow him to pay for more pros and he wouldn’t have to work with as many cons.
The Arena Football League is said to be in danger of folding which could be a boon for the CFL. The league says they can always use more QB’s, running backs and popcorn sellers.
Canada’s athlete of the year Chantal Petitclerc is trying to drum up support for the auto industry by asking for a new set of wheels, but is passing on the undercoating.
The US House of Representatives passed a bill that would create a “Car Czar” to oversee the bailout money. The NHL has a similar person to oversee finances but he is more of a “Used Car Czar”. What will it take to put you in a Franchise?
Regina is looking at building a Dome Stadium which will surely end the great tradition of throwing beerballs at opposing teams. Doesn’t this sound like the ultimate roofing job? Maybe they can get an estimate to cover the whole City. If the vote fell on a January snowstorm I think you might get surprising support.
The Governor of Illinois was arrested after wiretaps showed he was trying to extort bribes from groups including the Chicago Cubs. The management for the Cubs balked at his demands saying they could get a decent middle relief pitcher for the millions the Governor was asking.
A 70 year old Indian woman gave birth recently and in an interview credited God, her faith and an accidental meeting with Travis Henry.
The Illinois Governor who tried to sell a Senate seat had to own a piece of the Nashville Predators I just know it.
Gary Bettman came out of the meeting with the Doom and Gloom economic experts surprisingly optimistic about the finances of the NHL. This is the first time a panic was created when a chicken little didn’t say the sky was falling.
Experts feel the comiing economic Tsunami will envelope the world and suck up all of the money in circulation. Bettman was optimistic they were immune to a Tsunami as this known in NHL language as season ticket renewal.
How sad is it that Gary Bettman is the financial voice of calm?
Michael Phelps says he asked his parents to take him off of Ritalin. This is told in his new book “Taking Speed kills your kids speed.”
Michael says he didn’t tell his parents at first and used the money from the sale of his pills to get the gill implants.
The man carrying the gun in the OJ Simpson memorabilia robbery was given a suspended sentence. Asked to comment by CNN a group of OJ experts beat themselves up in a frenzy to get to the microphone.
At the end of each news clip on OJ’s trial I kept waiting to see an advertisement from the American Legal Foundation.
When asked what he felt would suffer the most during his imprisonment OJ replied his short game.
Carolina Panthers owner Jerry Richardson is in need of a heart transplant but won’t be able to get one from fellow NFL owners as they have theirs mortgaged in asset backed securities.
Former coach Barry Melrose went on a rant describing the meddling by the Tampa Bay owners saying they told him who to play, who to sit and who to axe. Sounds like a good plot. We could call it “Revenge of the hacked off mullet!”
Not to criticize Melrose but if you take a job coaching a team owned by a director, shouldn’t you take a look at the script first?
Tampa Bay owner Len Barrie tried to paint Melrose and an old fashioned coach out of touch with today’s player and had no system. New coach Rick Tocchet was quick to point out he has a system but is not sure if card counting will transfer to the ice.
The NHL owners had a presentation from a couple of economists at their winter meetings nicknamed Doom and Gloom. Organizers planned the event as a bit of comic relief after listening to the financial reports from Phoenix and Florida.
Dallas Cowboy owner Jerry Jones questioned the toughness of his star running back Marion Barber after he missed a game due to a broken pinkie toe. I guess a running back having a broken foot is totally different from a quarterback having a broken hand. As a way to get some perspective can’t Jones have his jaw wired shut so he can see what it is like to lose his meat and potatoes?
Jones later retracted his comments saying he thought Barber was so tough he could shoot himself and still play. A spokesman for Plaxico Burris replied “It’s tougher than you think”.
Top 3 signs CFL Teams are concerned about the financial climate
# 3 – A $14 Coke at a Stadium will now come with 50% off refill coupon
# 2 – Winnipeg Cheerleaders have opened a 1-900 number
# 1 – Watermelon futures are down sharply
Baseball teams are being very cautious with their money during the current free agency period. This has to be the first time the league has ever been charged with a balk.
The NY Yankees are being frugal despite their interest in star pitcher CC Sabathia. The Yankees are holding firm on their offer of no more than 250 times the average wage of an auto worker.
If you feel joy at the pain and suffering of someone the Germans have a word for it Schadenfreude. In Canada we call it following the Leafs.
Because there are so many athletes and owners you could feel Schadenfreude for I am conserving mine for an owner to be named later.
The real difference between European and US football is how the players deal with injuries. A Euro when hit will fall down like a shot whereas when a US player is felled it is usually by an actual bullet. Is it too late to call the Plaxico Burress incident a real thigh slapper?
Chicago Bulls star Derrick Rose was cut for 10 stitches after rolling over on a knife while sleeping. The really difficult part according to Rose was trying to get to sleep at the Club.
Researchers say chemicals in the water are affecting the testosterone level of men and when told of this Boston Celtics Glen “Big Baby” Davis broke into tears on the bench.
The NBA has introduced a line of clothing they say reflects the culture of the game. Designers say the sweatpants will make you look like the real deal but as always caution fans to wear a holster.
The NHL has a clothing line coming out in the spring which will feature work wear based on the Detroit Red Wings and a leisure line modeled on Maple Leaf players.
Despite making lousy cars Detroit auto executives told Congress their pay should not be affected and entered the roster of the Detroit Lions in as evidence.
Wouldn’t a real penalty for Sean Avery be to force him to play 6 more games against Dion Phaneuf?
Wall Street is being hit by a cash crunch; Main Street is pummelled with layoffs and foreclosures and it appears Easy Street is in the midst of a psychiatric meltdown.
Columbus Blue Jacket prospect Stefan Legein lost his passion for hockey over the summer but has since found it while beginning his alternate career at McDonalds.
Legein says he had to decompress after an injury and weigh the pros and cons of a professional career. He came to the conclusion a hockey paycheque would allow him to pay for more pros and he wouldn’t have to work with as many cons.
The Arena Football League is said to be in danger of folding which could be a boon for the CFL. The league says they can always use more QB’s, running backs and popcorn sellers.
Canada’s athlete of the year Chantal Petitclerc is trying to drum up support for the auto industry by asking for a new set of wheels, but is passing on the undercoating.
The US House of Representatives passed a bill that would create a “Car Czar” to oversee the bailout money. The NHL has a similar person to oversee finances but he is more of a “Used Car Czar”. What will it take to put you in a Franchise?
Regina is looking at building a Dome Stadium which will surely end the great tradition of throwing beerballs at opposing teams. Doesn’t this sound like the ultimate roofing job? Maybe they can get an estimate to cover the whole City. If the vote fell on a January snowstorm I think you might get surprising support.
The Governor of Illinois was arrested after wiretaps showed he was trying to extort bribes from groups including the Chicago Cubs. The management for the Cubs balked at his demands saying they could get a decent middle relief pitcher for the millions the Governor was asking.
A 70 year old Indian woman gave birth recently and in an interview credited God, her faith and an accidental meeting with Travis Henry.
The Illinois Governor who tried to sell a Senate seat had to own a piece of the Nashville Predators I just know it.
Gary Bettman came out of the meeting with the Doom and Gloom economic experts surprisingly optimistic about the finances of the NHL. This is the first time a panic was created when a chicken little didn’t say the sky was falling.
Experts feel the comiing economic Tsunami will envelope the world and suck up all of the money in circulation. Bettman was optimistic they were immune to a Tsunami as this known in NHL language as season ticket renewal.
How sad is it that Gary Bettman is the financial voice of calm?
Michael Phelps says he asked his parents to take him off of Ritalin. This is told in his new book “Taking Speed kills your kids speed.”
Michael says he didn’t tell his parents at first and used the money from the sale of his pills to get the gill implants.
The man carrying the gun in the OJ Simpson memorabilia robbery was given a suspended sentence. Asked to comment by CNN a group of OJ experts beat themselves up in a frenzy to get to the microphone.
At the end of each news clip on OJ’s trial I kept waiting to see an advertisement from the American Legal Foundation.
When asked what he felt would suffer the most during his imprisonment OJ replied his short game.
Carolina Panthers owner Jerry Richardson is in need of a heart transplant but won’t be able to get one from fellow NFL owners as they have theirs mortgaged in asset backed securities.
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