Glad I got up early to watch the wall to wall coverage of the NHL trade deadline. I haven’t seen that much suspense since Geraldo Rivera opened up the vault to Al Capone.
In an attempt to keep himself relevant former GM Mike Millbury traded himself to CBC and then CBC sent half his cap hit to TSN for a special to be named later. Like most of Mike’s NHL trades this has a lose/lose feel.
The Calgary Flames were quiet at the trade deadline. I guess when you have slain the Ogre everyone wants to stay and enjoy the spoils.
The NBA doesn’t so much have a trade deadline as a buyout line-up. If this was Wall Street the number of buyouts happening would be reason for a Congressional review.
A group in Texas is attempting to reinstate the use of spanking for severe schoolyard behavior thus legalizing the touchdown or homerun celebration at Little League games.
The PGA Match play event from Arizona was delayed when over an inch of snow covered the course the most snow seen in Arizona since that Freightliner tipped over on the intestate from a Mexican drug run. The toughest part of playing in the snow is keeping your balls warm.
State Farm Insurance is dropping its sponsorship of an LPG event. In a statement an actuary reported “like a good neighbor State Farm will neither a borrower nor a lender be”.
The RCMP is ordering data shredding equipment to destroy hard drives and storage devises. The RCMP feel they are better able to protect the identity of NHL players who are charged with offenses if they can immediately destroy the evidence.
Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi insisted to reporters that Libyans love him and would lay down their lives for him. He then went on to say his people love him like NHL fans adore Gary Bettman.
5 members of Cuba’s nation ballet company defected while in Montreal. The dancers say they say what could be when they went to a Montreal Canadians game and saw you don’t have to be big and strong to play in the NHL.
A Hospital in BC was forced to use a Tim Horton’s for patients when they ran out of room. Usually a place named after an NHL tough guy defenseman is more comfortable doubling as a dental office.
An autopsy study of Bob Proberts brain revealed he had degenerative brain injuries which may have been a contributing factor in his early death. A spokesman for the NHL say it is sad but with new rules they can’t see how the NHL can be blamed for incidents in the future. They are concerned about the number of coaches banging their heads on the wall trying to figure out the new rules but it’s a small price to pay.
It looks like the NFL owners and players are headed towards a shutdown of next year’s season. A spokesman for NFL fans was surprisingly calm saying once the 2 minute warning is sounded fans are sure Payton Manning will march down the labour field and get the win.
Top 5 signs the Maple Leafs are in the playoff hunt
# 5 Stanley cup t-shirts and hats being printed
# 4 Brian Burke now says making playoffs part of his grand plan
# 3 Boston upset their 1st round pick is getting later and later
# 2 Players were recently fitted for Stanley Cup rings
And the #1 sign the Maple Leafs are in the playoff hunt…
Don Cherry has been updated from annoying to insufferable
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Swing Spit
There is an IBM machine on Jeopardy vying for the title of most trivial thing ever with a couple of past champions from the show. The second most trivial thing happening this week? Toronto Maple Leaf trades.
A retiring College football coach has called for a return to past ethics in recruiting. A spokesperson for the NCAA says they would like to oblige and go back to when it was more ethical but people love the forward pass.
Tiger Woods is coming under fierce criticism for his golf etiquette. Tiger has decided to change spit coaches and is sorry for anyone affected by the spray of his ball or his fluids, which coincidentally, were in the documents of his divorce.
A spokesman to an image reclamation agency say Tiger is in jeopardy of losing the 100% support of people who spit.
A retiring College football coach has called for a return to past ethics in recruiting. A spokesperson for the NCAA says they would like to oblige and go back to when it was more ethical but people love the forward pass.
Tiger Woods is coming under fierce criticism for his golf etiquette. Tiger has decided to change spit coaches and is sorry for anyone affected by the spray of his ball or his fluids, which coincidentally, were in the documents of his divorce.
A spokesman to an image reclamation agency say Tiger is in jeopardy of losing the 100% support of people who spit.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Break the tape
Privately the US treasury is happy the Chicago Bears lost as the security costs for President Obama going to the game would be difficult to explain to the Chinese. By losing Chicago may have saved taxpayers billions.
Not saying the Chicago offense was crappy but in a City known for organized crime they made the Green Bay defence an offal they couldn’t refuse.
It was exciting to have Green Bay win on an interception but it would have been magic if Brett Favre had thrown it.
There is a lot of frustration with the amount of sticks that break during key times in an NHL game. The issue is more complicated because of the US/Canada hard wood and no wood agreement, which allows Maple bats in MLB and combustible sticks in the NHL.
Ironic isn’t it? The controversies over a Canadian bat that is made from trees in Canada by a few woodworkers and the American designed Chinese produced European influenced sticks. The bats cost $50 to replace and break about every 10 uses and the sticks cost about $500 and 25% break during taping.
Jack Lalanne the 1st real weightlifting Guru has passed away at 96. In accordance his body will be cremated and his ashes kicked in the face of a 98 lb. weakling
The Indian Government has fired their Commonwealth Games chief citing corruption, kickbacks and graft or as it is know in India, Tuesday. The fired chief quickly landed on his feet as the coordinator for the new Stadium in Hamilton.
Peter Forsberg is practicing with the Colorado Avalanche in hopes he could resume his NHL career. Forsberg is the Brett Favre of the NHL except the only junk he texts pictures of is his foot.
Philadelphia Flyers defenseman Chris Pronger says he will sell the puck he took off the ice after last year’s Stanley Cup loss. Pronger says the puck is a symbol of rubber gone wrong and he wants it out of his house to which NY Jets Antonio Cromartie said “True dat”.
Not saying the Chicago offense was crappy but in a City known for organized crime they made the Green Bay defence an offal they couldn’t refuse.
It was exciting to have Green Bay win on an interception but it would have been magic if Brett Favre had thrown it.
There is a lot of frustration with the amount of sticks that break during key times in an NHL game. The issue is more complicated because of the US/Canada hard wood and no wood agreement, which allows Maple bats in MLB and combustible sticks in the NHL.
Ironic isn’t it? The controversies over a Canadian bat that is made from trees in Canada by a few woodworkers and the American designed Chinese produced European influenced sticks. The bats cost $50 to replace and break about every 10 uses and the sticks cost about $500 and 25% break during taping.
Jack Lalanne the 1st real weightlifting Guru has passed away at 96. In accordance his body will be cremated and his ashes kicked in the face of a 98 lb. weakling
The Indian Government has fired their Commonwealth Games chief citing corruption, kickbacks and graft or as it is know in India, Tuesday. The fired chief quickly landed on his feet as the coordinator for the new Stadium in Hamilton.
Peter Forsberg is practicing with the Colorado Avalanche in hopes he could resume his NHL career. Forsberg is the Brett Favre of the NHL except the only junk he texts pictures of is his foot.
Philadelphia Flyers defenseman Chris Pronger says he will sell the puck he took off the ice after last year’s Stanley Cup loss. Pronger says the puck is a symbol of rubber gone wrong and he wants it out of his house to which NY Jets Antonio Cromartie said “True dat”.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Hu's on First?
There is a controversy brewing in tennis about what constitutes a Grand Slam. Former great Rod Laver says it is winning all 4 majors in one calendar year and Raphael Nadal says it is holding all 4 titles. To me it is just a great breakfast at Denny’s.
The Phoenix Coyotes came to the rescue of an Edmonton midget hockey team when their equipment was stolen. Fortunately the Coyotes had some extra equipment left over when the Montreal Canadians were in town so they didn’t have to cut the sticks off.
People in Haiti were shocked when former dictator and mass murderer Baby Doc Duvalier came back after being in exile for 20 years. This is like Bernard and Lonie Glieberman coming back to Ottawa to run the new franchise.
Chinese President Hu arrived in the US for a visit and is a big fan of exercising his dogs. So I guess we now know it was Hu who let the dogs out.
Hu and President Obama were in a bit of a diplomatic frenzy over the speaking order until finally it was decided that at the press conference Hu’s on first.
The Bank of Canada is keeping their bond market interest rate at 1%. The only market with less interest is in Phoenix for the Coyotes.
A report says people pick friends who have similar genes to them. The only group that was different were NBA players who picked the people in their lives based on how they filled out their jeans.
A report from the Canadian Police Association says hands free texting is still dangerous when driving. Asked to comment Brett Favre said his texts were always ½ a foot.
The new Guardian comic book characters for each NHL team have really captured the spirit of the teams and their history. Last week it was the Islander and his power to re-create the past against the Flame and his super longing for the future.
Research has shown a pair of jeans worn for 18 months without cleaning is as sanitary as a pair washed every week. The study was a part of a report entitled “Living on your CFL salary”.
The beer industry is upset over new labelling requirements that force them to list the ingredients to keep people with allergies safe. As a public service the industry says they are considering another warning for female drinkers warning them that too much beer causes NHL players to look “cute”.
The Government of Alberta is applying for more funds to increase the number of prisons in the Province. The report says new developments have made it more affordable and more important now that Daryl Sutter is available there is a possible warden.
Philadelphia Eagles QB Kevin Kolb says he wants to be traded if he is not the starting QB next year. Kolb says he thought he had the job but it appears Michael Vick has more lives than a cat.
It looks like David Beckham has had his attempts to play at Tottenham derailed by insurance issues. The biggest problem is the assurance Beckham would leave when asked.
Sarah Palin is denying her putting crosshairs over Democratic candidates has anything to do with the shooting of one of them saying she believes God gave the gunman his own instructions. This is being debated and a final decision will be made when she release her new book “Targeting anyone who thinks I’m a gun nut”.
Mike Commodore of the Columbus Blue Jackets is considering refusing to report to the American League and says he is not sure if the team can send him down because GM Scott Howson is not an American born citizen and thus he does not have the rights of a commander in chief.
A new report finds circumcision may prevent the spread of HPV. The report says it is not a recommendation, more of a tip.
Hockey broadcaster Howie Meeker was given the Order of Canada medal and afterwards used the Telestrator to show how the medal could have been placed on his neck more efficiently.
Kirstine Stewart has been named executive vice-president of the CBC's English services and in a nod to the CBC’s cash cow has asked Don Cherry to swear her in.
A survey by an online retailer says 40% of people received unwanted Xmas gifts, the balance say they were happy to get tickets to a Toronto Argonauts game.
The Phoenix Coyotes came to the rescue of an Edmonton midget hockey team when their equipment was stolen. Fortunately the Coyotes had some extra equipment left over when the Montreal Canadians were in town so they didn’t have to cut the sticks off.
People in Haiti were shocked when former dictator and mass murderer Baby Doc Duvalier came back after being in exile for 20 years. This is like Bernard and Lonie Glieberman coming back to Ottawa to run the new franchise.
Chinese President Hu arrived in the US for a visit and is a big fan of exercising his dogs. So I guess we now know it was Hu who let the dogs out.
Hu and President Obama were in a bit of a diplomatic frenzy over the speaking order until finally it was decided that at the press conference Hu’s on first.
The Bank of Canada is keeping their bond market interest rate at 1%. The only market with less interest is in Phoenix for the Coyotes.
A report says people pick friends who have similar genes to them. The only group that was different were NBA players who picked the people in their lives based on how they filled out their jeans.
A report from the Canadian Police Association says hands free texting is still dangerous when driving. Asked to comment Brett Favre said his texts were always ½ a foot.
The new Guardian comic book characters for each NHL team have really captured the spirit of the teams and their history. Last week it was the Islander and his power to re-create the past against the Flame and his super longing for the future.
Research has shown a pair of jeans worn for 18 months without cleaning is as sanitary as a pair washed every week. The study was a part of a report entitled “Living on your CFL salary”.
The beer industry is upset over new labelling requirements that force them to list the ingredients to keep people with allergies safe. As a public service the industry says they are considering another warning for female drinkers warning them that too much beer causes NHL players to look “cute”.
The Government of Alberta is applying for more funds to increase the number of prisons in the Province. The report says new developments have made it more affordable and more important now that Daryl Sutter is available there is a possible warden.
Philadelphia Eagles QB Kevin Kolb says he wants to be traded if he is not the starting QB next year. Kolb says he thought he had the job but it appears Michael Vick has more lives than a cat.
It looks like David Beckham has had his attempts to play at Tottenham derailed by insurance issues. The biggest problem is the assurance Beckham would leave when asked.
Sarah Palin is denying her putting crosshairs over Democratic candidates has anything to do with the shooting of one of them saying she believes God gave the gunman his own instructions. This is being debated and a final decision will be made when she release her new book “Targeting anyone who thinks I’m a gun nut”.
Mike Commodore of the Columbus Blue Jackets is considering refusing to report to the American League and says he is not sure if the team can send him down because GM Scott Howson is not an American born citizen and thus he does not have the rights of a commander in chief.
A new report finds circumcision may prevent the spread of HPV. The report says it is not a recommendation, more of a tip.
Hockey broadcaster Howie Meeker was given the Order of Canada medal and afterwards used the Telestrator to show how the medal could have been placed on his neck more efficiently.
Kirstine Stewart has been named executive vice-president of the CBC's English services and in a nod to the CBC’s cash cow has asked Don Cherry to swear her in.
A survey by an online retailer says 40% of people received unwanted Xmas gifts, the balance say they were happy to get tickets to a Toronto Argonauts game.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Teats Up!
Two massage therapists have sued Brett Favre claiming he texted him for a hook up after a rub down. The texts were said to be highly sexual and worst of all were done from a hands free devise. Favre says he was only kidding… kind of like a pump fake
A town in Arkansas is trying to figure out why thousands of birds fell from the sky on New Year’s Day. Scientists are baffled saying the only similar phenomenon they have seen is Canadian Leafs dropping like flies in January
One theory is the birds were hit by fireworks from the New Year’s celebration. Ornithologists say birds eventually discover a new flight pattern to avoid celebrations which is why they tend to fly over Toronto during any pro teams playoffs.
The Art Gallery of Alberta has removed its ban on breastfeeding saying it was following the lead of the Provinces NHL teams who have spent most of the year sucking the hind teat.
Roger Goodell the head of the NFL sent 5 million email messages to fans advising them of their position in the upcoming negotiations. Asked why he didn’t text them Goodell said they have a firm policy for texting
NY Jets coach Rex Ryan reacting to past defeats from Payton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts says the game is personal and he won’t pussy foot around with him. In addition he feels like a heel for letting him walk all over them and will do some sole searching to find a way to step it up on his arch rival.
EA Sports is updating the gaming platform for Tiger Woods 12 by inserting a hole from Augusta National and a Ho from Hooters International
A homeless recovering addict man has been offered a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers as an announcer. The job has opened up a bunch of other offers and there is unconfirmed reports he may look to ply his trade in Miami. He insists he loves Cleveland and will make up his mind on a radio show called The Destitution
A town in Arkansas is trying to figure out why thousands of birds fell from the sky on New Year’s Day. Scientists are baffled saying the only similar phenomenon they have seen is Canadian Leafs dropping like flies in January
One theory is the birds were hit by fireworks from the New Year’s celebration. Ornithologists say birds eventually discover a new flight pattern to avoid celebrations which is why they tend to fly over Toronto during any pro teams playoffs.
The Art Gallery of Alberta has removed its ban on breastfeeding saying it was following the lead of the Provinces NHL teams who have spent most of the year sucking the hind teat.
Roger Goodell the head of the NFL sent 5 million email messages to fans advising them of their position in the upcoming negotiations. Asked why he didn’t text them Goodell said they have a firm policy for texting
NY Jets coach Rex Ryan reacting to past defeats from Payton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts says the game is personal and he won’t pussy foot around with him. In addition he feels like a heel for letting him walk all over them and will do some sole searching to find a way to step it up on his arch rival.
EA Sports is updating the gaming platform for Tiger Woods 12 by inserting a hole from Augusta National and a Ho from Hooters International
A homeless recovering addict man has been offered a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers as an announcer. The job has opened up a bunch of other offers and there is unconfirmed reports he may look to ply his trade in Miami. He insists he loves Cleveland and will make up his mind on a radio show called The Destitution
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Yes you're fired... did I Sutter?
In what had to be the strangest firing in the history of pro sports the Calgary Flames relieved GM Daryl Sutter and replaced him with AGM Jay Feaster. Feaster was the GM of the Tampa Bay Lightening when they beat Sutters Flames in a highly disputed Stanley Cup Final. Brother Brent Sutter is the coach and was asked to report on rumours started 2 minutes after Daryl was let go, of a rift between the 2 brothers. Player development head Rich Sutter denied the allegations, special advisor Ron Sutter was unavailable for comment and scout Duane Sutter felt unprepared to discuss the move. It was up to President of the Flames Ken King, Daryl’s long-time friend and consigliore, to ask him to step down. If this was soccer it would be the most popular show in Brazil
King was obviously shaken up during the announcement and denied speculation there were harsh words spoken saying he talked with Daryl’s mom Grace Sutter before and she promised he had been told to play nice and put all his toys back in the box.
A spokesman for the Toronto Maple Leafs was not quoted saying they are reportedly interested in talking with Daryl’s mom to see if she can get Ron Wilson to quit.
If the Leafs could get Daryl to agree to a 3 year contract to coach the team, combined with current GM Brian Burke it could be the 1st time that management would be fined more for infractions than the players
Could you imagine Daryl, Brian and Don Cherry in the same city? A spokesperson for CBC sports went quiet, smiled brightly then wet his pants.
Top 5 New Year’s resolutions for Brett Favre
# 5 Return to rotary dial phone
# 4 Make decision regarding future
# 3 Figure out why pass to Jenn Sterger fell incomplete
# 2 Try out a new Beiber inspired hairdo
# 1 Star in movie based on his dreams called “Interception”
King was obviously shaken up during the announcement and denied speculation there were harsh words spoken saying he talked with Daryl’s mom Grace Sutter before and she promised he had been told to play nice and put all his toys back in the box.
A spokesman for the Toronto Maple Leafs was not quoted saying they are reportedly interested in talking with Daryl’s mom to see if she can get Ron Wilson to quit.
If the Leafs could get Daryl to agree to a 3 year contract to coach the team, combined with current GM Brian Burke it could be the 1st time that management would be fined more for infractions than the players
Could you imagine Daryl, Brian and Don Cherry in the same city? A spokesperson for CBC sports went quiet, smiled brightly then wet his pants.
Top 5 New Year’s resolutions for Brett Favre
# 5 Return to rotary dial phone
# 4 Make decision regarding future
# 3 Figure out why pass to Jenn Sterger fell incomplete
# 2 Try out a new Beiber inspired hairdo
# 1 Star in movie based on his dreams called “Interception”
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Hey it is called Foot Ball...
The US Government has repealed the “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” policy for gays and lesbians serving in the military. Don’t ask, Don’t tell is also a policy of Calgary Flames GM Daryl Sutter only he calls it Tuesday.
Craigslist has stopped listing erotic ads in Canada. Now if you want to hook up with a woman you have to do what every Canadian male had to do in the past, play in the NHL.
A Saskatoon disc jockey has come under fire for getting high on the air with a hallucinogenic herb causing him to double over with laughter. Officials warn of the dangers and say if Canadians wish to have a hearty laugh they should stick to watching the Toronto Maple Leafs kill a penalty.
Didn’t know Sarah Palin was such a big football fan until I saw her Xmas card where she was lined up in the shotgun formation
A new version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas is currently holding casting calls with the inside track being given to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and Union executive DeMaurice Smith.
In what had to be an unfortunate spell check error the Xmas card from Brett Favre ExtenZe his best for the upcoming year.
Top 5 signs you’re at an NBA Xmas party
# 5 Elves are all over 6’
# 4 Packages are being unwrapped with no gifts exchanged
# 3 The rounds are live and the punch mostly sucker
# 2 The Holly Wreath got packed in a bong
# 1 Guest list is pretty well all Ho, Ho, Ho’s
Actor Marilu Henner has a condition called autobiographical superior memory which allows her to remember every day of her life. The condition is also known to Toronto sports fans a hell.
Social media King Mark Zukerberg is in China and sources say he is considering starting a joint venture. The new website will become a place to post embarrassing pictures and gossip about your Friends and will be called Losing Facebook.
Rex Ryan says he will not talk about the foot fetish video saying he doesn't concentrate on the pleasures but rather his focus is on the agony of defeat...
I always wondered how a 350 lb. guy got the nickname twinkle toes...
I can't help but feel the video leak is a way to take the pressure of his team... it must be a part of an over arching plan...
He says mostly he is sorry for his wife and the person who posted the video should feel like a heel...
The news hit his players hard but they all promised to be more understanding of Rex and would toe the line in the future...
Craigslist has stopped listing erotic ads in Canada. Now if you want to hook up with a woman you have to do what every Canadian male had to do in the past, play in the NHL.
A Saskatoon disc jockey has come under fire for getting high on the air with a hallucinogenic herb causing him to double over with laughter. Officials warn of the dangers and say if Canadians wish to have a hearty laugh they should stick to watching the Toronto Maple Leafs kill a penalty.
Didn’t know Sarah Palin was such a big football fan until I saw her Xmas card where she was lined up in the shotgun formation
A new version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas is currently holding casting calls with the inside track being given to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and Union executive DeMaurice Smith.
In what had to be an unfortunate spell check error the Xmas card from Brett Favre ExtenZe his best for the upcoming year.
Top 5 signs you’re at an NBA Xmas party
# 5 Elves are all over 6’
# 4 Packages are being unwrapped with no gifts exchanged
# 3 The rounds are live and the punch mostly sucker
# 2 The Holly Wreath got packed in a bong
# 1 Guest list is pretty well all Ho, Ho, Ho’s
Actor Marilu Henner has a condition called autobiographical superior memory which allows her to remember every day of her life. The condition is also known to Toronto sports fans a hell.
Social media King Mark Zukerberg is in China and sources say he is considering starting a joint venture. The new website will become a place to post embarrassing pictures and gossip about your Friends and will be called Losing Facebook.
Rex Ryan says he will not talk about the foot fetish video saying he doesn't concentrate on the pleasures but rather his focus is on the agony of defeat...
I always wondered how a 350 lb. guy got the nickname twinkle toes...
I can't help but feel the video leak is a way to take the pressure of his team... it must be a part of an over arching plan...
He says mostly he is sorry for his wife and the person who posted the video should feel like a heel...
The news hit his players hard but they all promised to be more understanding of Rex and would toe the line in the future...
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