Former US vice President Dick Cheney is coming to Calgary to give a talk, make some money and exchange enhanced interrogation techniques with the Sutters.

A Russian man jumped out a 5 story window, twice, in an attempt to get his wife to stop nagging.  Defensive lineman Albert Hainsworth says he considered doing that to get away from ex-coach Mike Shanahan but couldn’t get up the stairs.

A company in NY is making a 911 Merlot wine that the vintner says has a Smokey taste.  The wine has caught the eye of the Vancouver Canucks who plan to bottle a wine from their 2011 Stanley Cup run and say it will be a Rioting Riesling.  Naming a wine after a disaster is something the Toronto Maple Leafs are considering bottling with the Bud Wine.  It will feature losing vintages from such seasons as 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007 etc.

Jack Nicholas says Tiger Woods can still beat his record for most Majors if he gets the 5 inches between his ears under control.  Most experts say Tigers biggest problem is the reported 7 inches in his pants.

Sidney Crosby has been cleared to play without contact so I guess he is only going to suit up for games against the Vancouver Canucks.

The Quebec Government is trying to pass legislation that would protect them from lawsuits if the planned deal with Quebecor over management of a yet to be built arena in Quebec City passes.  This is known in hockey terms as buying a cup before playing hockey.

Vancouver Police have concluded report on the riot after last Springs Stanley Cup playoff loss could have been prevented.  The report says there should have been more Police, better screening and it wouldn’t have hurt if the Vancouver goalie could have stopped a shot or two.

A protest movement against the awarding of the Order of B.C. to former premier Gordon Campbell appears to be gaining momentum.  The award is being compared to retiring the Sedin twins jerseys in tribute to their playoff performance.

A U.S. judge has cleared the way for an Ohio woman to sue a Vancouver-based software company after naked video-chat photos of her were snapped without her permission.  The court was hearing the case as this was the 1st time naked pictures of a person other than an athlete, politician or groupie were involved.

40 women in BC have played the longest hockey game over a period of 10 days.  The game beat out a Leaf/Oilers exhibition game that was to be played until the 1st goal was scored.

Three office workers in Victoria, B.C., were taken to hospital after unwittingly sampling home-made brownies made with marijuana on their break.  The workers were given the day off and told to eat a bag of Cheetos and report back in the morning.

Philadelphia Flyers general manager Paul Holmgren has been hospitalized following a bike crash at the New Jersey shore.  Holmgren was at the Jersey Shore trying to see if Snookie could skate before offering her a contract as the teams’ enforcer.

What a week in the CFL with Regina beating Winnipeg, Edmonton upsetting Calgary and Hamilton pummeling Montreal.  Despite this the biggest upset of them all was later when the players received their game cheques.

Calgary Flames GM Jay Feaster has made a couple of salary dumps that seems to indicate in addition to his management skills he also has specialized video shooting skills and footage from the last NHL GM meetings.

Barry Bonds had his remaining 7 charges against him for obstruction of justice in his doping case dropped or as Barry called it a Hat Trick.

Javaris Crittenton, a former player for the National Basketball Association’s Washington Wizards, was arrested in Southern California in connection with a murder in Atlanta.  Officials with Georgia and California penal systems are hoping to land him as this could be the start of a prison Dream Team.

Tiger Woods will play in the Frys.com Tournament the 1^st time he has player a lesser layout since he stopped by a Buffalo Hooters.

A fierce blustery storm blew out over the East Coast as it headed to NY with meteorologists saying the damage would have been worse had it not run into the hot air coming from Rex Ryan’s media conference.

Vancouver has been knocked out of top spot as the world's most livable city because of a highway closure on Vancouver Island, according to Britain's Economist magazine which does the ranking.  The magazine was asked if the rioting played a part and they responded “You call that a riot?”  You Colonials are so cute.

Emergency crews in Langley, B.C. worked to remove a hot-air balloon caught in some trees and power lines near the banks of the Fraser River, but it is not clear how it got there.  Preliminary reports suggest it might have been the last of the Vancouver Canucks playoff fans to return to earth.

The biggest winners in the BC HST reversal are CFL players who can now add tomatoes to their Mac and Cheese.

The B.C. government is attempting to seize the $3.1 million home of a West Vancouver woman charged with human trafficking.  The house was used to house people paid so little they were virtual slaves.  In a press conference the President of the BC Lions says BC Place Stadium is safe as the players don’t live there.

The Stanley Cup took an unexpected tumble in St. John's Tuesday, when it toppled over and fell off a table during a photo op with Boston Bruins player Michael Ryder.  For a minute it looked like Vancouver Canucks goalie Roberto Luongo might be able to catch it but it was deflected and beat him 5 hole.

 Authorities in Minnesota say Winnipeg Jets star Dustin Byfuglien was arrested after being charged with operating a water craft while intoxicated. Dustin got support from former teammate Patrick Kane who Tweeted “Take a cab next time”.

The Saskatchewan Roughriders and Winnipeg Blue Bombers are exchanging taunts via billboard ads in the opposing cities.  Someone is getting pasted this weekend.

Saskatchewan has signed a 20 year agreement with the RCMP to continue providing services. A minor change will now see the force no longer being called the scarlet surge but the green menace.

Plowed to the Max

The Oakland Raiders justified their selection of Terrelle Pryor in the supplemental draft saying his immature indiscretions with the Law would balance the more mature indiscretions of the team in general.

Cincinnati management was outraged because they thought the fix was to go their way and threatened to put a cap in someone’s ass if it wasn’t changed. The official tat of the capping is trademarked PT Patent Threatened!

Giving a 69 year old with wife a related illness control of the team is a risky matter. The condition Idon’twanttoliveinsaskatchewan is rampant and only the affliction Idon’twanttoliveinedmonton has a higher degree of infection than the wives of coaches working in Saskatchewan. Team officials with both the Riders and Oilers unofficially stated the obvious when they released a statement praising the patience and tolerance or the wives and promising to construct condo’s near the airport... like soon.

Do you know if you play the fight song to the Indianapolis Colts backwards it spells Bret Favre.

The CFL has a history of employing wise, innovative, dedicated men to run many of the great teams and revive moribund franchises which is such a contrast to the idiocy of the legislative process. They should swap places and have CFL executives and coaches in the White House, House of Representatives and Senate. The world would look a whole lot different if the US Chairman of Fed was Angelo Moska, Ken Miller was Chief of Staff and Nancy Pelosi was Commissioner of the CFL.

A planet 4000 light years from earth has been discovered and believed to be covered with diamonds. Astronomers say the planet is carbon rich and they play to name the body Kobe’s Apology.

Former NFL and MLB player Bo Jackson is now the part owner of a Bank. It turns out Bo know credit default swap mortgage backed derivatives as well as baseball.

A sea lion rescued on the west coast of Vancouver Island is in critical condition and hopes for recovery are said to be less than the BC Lions chances for a playoff. Nothing against Se Lions but when did our health care system become transformed as an animal hospital? Natives have other words for a wounded Sea Lion… lunch and a coat.
Over $1 million in Blackberry phones were stolen from a warehouse in Ontario. The thieves were very professional with one Police official calling the robbery Text Book.

Oilsands protesters are planning a gathering in Ottawa and hope to get to the event using hope, love and Unicorn tears for fuel. The protestors say they will have sit downs and local events once they are unable to travel due to lack of oil.

There's a baby boom in Calgary, with the city expecting a record 18,000 births this year. Officials say the youthful population, strong economy and recent visits from NBA players among the reasons.

Calgarians who were upset the NDP under Jack Layton used their City and resources to score political points in Quebec were still planning to attend his funeral. According to a spokesman for the group they just wanted to make sure he was dead.

The Calgary Stampeders vow to get to the bottom of a tweet that landed quarterback Henry Burris in hot water saying sexist taunts have no place outside of normal groupie chat.

A farmer in Saskatchewan is rumored to be the lucky winner of $40 million in the Lotto Max draw. Asked what he plans to do with the winnings the new millionaire said he will just keep farming until it is all gone.

SaskTel has been ordered to make changes in how it collects information from sick workers after an arbitrator ruled the company was not respecting employee privacy. The ruling validated workers claims for missing work due to Rider Fever.

A tax credit is now available for Saskatchewan families with children studying arts. This has led to a rush in classes offering watermelon carving, face painting and opponent taunting.

Money for Nothing

The Canadian Government is going back to their roots by re-naming the Canadian Military, The Royal Canadian Armed Forces. In an attempt to capture the excitement the Toronto Maple Leafs say they will now refer to GM Brian Burke as the Royal Pain in the Ass.

Quebec police are investigating after a small-town mayor reportedly dumped a gigantic 20 ton boulder onto the lawn of his ex-wife with birthday wishes for her spray painted on the rock. Police are investigating and believe charges may be issued as part of the message was in English thus contravening the Provinces language laws.

The rock is huge and no one remembers seeing one as big since Kobe Bryant apologized to his wife for cheating on her.

The B.C. SPCA is asking for the public's help in identifying two people suspected of dumping three kittens into a garbage can on Vancouver Island. The public is outraged and will not tolerate this kind of behavior. That they leave for the daily dumping on the BC Lions by reporters and fans.

The English Government is promising to conduct war on gangs to combat last week’s riots. This follows other interventions by Briton including the war on terror, war on drugs, and war on gingivitis.

A University of Alberta scientist has figured out a way to transform cattle parts into plastic to offer a potentially profitable alternative to the disposal of all those bits that the mad cow crisis turned into waste. Initial products manufactured with the products will be high demand Alberta items such as Saskatchewan Roughrider hats, flags and foam fingers.

For the first time in franchise history, the Regina Red Sox are the Western Major Baseball League champions. This is the 1st time a team from Regina has won a championship and not used the power of the watermelon.

The Canadian Food Inspection Agency and Canada Safeway are warning the public about a dip that may be contaminated with Listeria. Shoppers are being advised to avoid the dip and spread their money around.

A teenager who tricked hotel guests and restaurant employees to set off fire alarms and sprinkler systems has been convicted under the rarely-used charge of conveying false messages. Lawyers for the boy say they will fight the charge saying if spreading false messages was a crime they would have to arrest everyone involved in the BC Lions Glee Club.

A Vancouver man is fighting a $29 ticket for not wearing a helmet while riding his bicycle, saying the law is a violation of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. The fight is being paid for by the CFL Players Association who seems to have no problem with players being on the field without their helmets. I want to say the guy is a head but upon further review let’s say he is special.

The Alberta Government is being asked to lift restrictions on prescription pain medication saying it is the least that can be done for Flames and Oilers fans.

Chris Johnston of the Tennessee Titans is holding out saying he wants more than running back money. This contrasts with CFL players who hold out for more than pin money.

The new Spy Kids movie is in 4D which includes a card to scratch and sniff to create a visual sensation. The Saskatchewan Roughriders have a similar concept this year it’s called the playbook and it stinks.

The 84 year old Pope was in Spain this week with youth delegates chanting “this is the Pope of the youth” which is similar to the Calgary Flames signing 32 year old defenseman Scott Hannan and calling it part of their youth movement.

Troubled tech giant RIM is introducing a new music service with the 1st song on offer expected to be the Funeral March.

A woman in Germany has not used money in the last 16 years saying she was able to get by on barter and trade. Her lifestyle is a part of a book she has just written called “Living like a CFL player”

Sign of the times

It was a tough week for the US President and instead of celebrating his 50th birthday he was accused of having no spine, and being the 1st President to preside over a downgrade of the nation’s credit rating. Bond rating companies were a big part of the reason the last economic calamity occurred and they say when they say you have a lowered credibility it is like a Leafs fan calling you a loser.

Being lectured by Standards and Poor is like Tiger Woods former caddy making more money at a PGA tournament with another player than Tiger did as a player in the tournament, odd.

Health Canada has issued a warning about ingesting certain West Coast mussels saying they may induce vomiting. This is not to be confused with the feelings of nausea that many BC Lions fans are feeling despite a consensus the team lacks muscle.

The exploits of SEAL Team 6 were further heightened this week when a helicopter carrying 30 servicemen was shot down with a complete loss of life. The group included over 20 members of SEAL Team 6, which topped off a 3 month period where they successfully accomplished a Somali pirate rescue, celebrated the Bin Laden execution and had their SEAL Team 6 trademark registered to Disney pending a legal challenge. A spokesman for Disney was horrified at the news saying it would do nothing for lunchbox collectables.

It is hoped the legal hostility between Disney and SEAL Team 6 can find common ground during these difficult times. We believe the rumors of Disney’s involvement in the operation are just that because the US military has promised quick justice for the culprits. It wouldn’t look good to see Mickey Mouse on the Homeland Security most wanted poster or have to tell your little one they are taking Pluto to the “farm”.

New evidence recently uncovered show the CIA had Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau under surveillance. After the recent bout of deficit spending has brought the US to their financial knees we can only assume the US learned everything about Trudeau and his fiscal policies and were just slow in implementing them.

A researcher with the University of Saskatchewan has been awarded a prestigious grant to work on post traumatic shock disorder. The committee felt the choice of Regina for a location was a really fortunate coincidence as any breakthroughs in treatment for PTSD can help Rider fans deal with the losing season and shock of not being in contention.

Now is the time Riders to put your nose to the watermelon rindstone.

A new report out says people with an English accent are seen to be more authoritative and comforting. This explains the Riders hiring a new PR spokesman Oliver Twist.

Police in Newfoundland say a robbery at a drug store in Conception Bay South has led to the theft of thousands of pills. Police say many of the pills were contraceptives and are looking into possible connections between the theft and the start of NFL groupie training.

Montreal drivers are becoming nervous after a slab of a tunnel suddenly collapsed barely missing drivers. The accident is different from other infrastructure collapses in the Province like the falling apart of Olympic Stadium as people can’t avoid going to work like they stayed away from Expo games.

A Vancouver cardiologist has been suspended for three months after admitting to sending inappropriate text messages last fall. The review panel said although the texts were related to his profession sending “I (heart) you” to female patients was over the top.

Two Czech tourists jumped into an icy river in an attempt to escape with fossils from B.C.'s Burgess Shale Formation last week. Police are concerned this may be a trend as there have been reports of other fossils coming under attack, most notably Lions head coach Wally Buono.

A Vancouver man who bit off his girlfriend's nose after she refused to have sex with him has been sentenced to eight years for aggravated sexual assault. This seems like a case of biting off the nose to seal his fate.

A judge has hit several Greenpeace protesters with $2,000 fines for unfurling a banner off the Calgary Tower a year ago. As spokesman for Greenpeace was livid saying the protesters were just trying to raise a banner for Calgary and when the Flames do it there is cheering.

More than $130,000 in damage was caused by a fire that destroyed a number of golf carts at the Assiniboine Golf Club on Winnipeg's Ness Avenue Sunday morning. Club members say the course will re-open soon although golfers will experience a walk in the park.

Manitoba's fire commissioner has been fired after financial irregularities were found during a routine audit. Auditors became suspicious when expense reports were filed for shirts supposedly used during the annual fireman’s calendar photo shoot.

Winnipeg may have to forfeit its unofficial title as the mosquito capital of Canada after figures released Thursday show average mosquito counts in the city are the lowest in more than three decades. Tourism officials now say people are not coming to Winnipeg for the usual reasons.

A comment by Toronto Mayor Rob Ford suggesting advertising should be allowed inside school buildings is causing some controversy. Ford said it's ridiculous that school gymnasiums sit empty when they could be generating revenue. In an ironic turn the 1st advertisement to go up in a school was sponsored by Citizens against Rob Ford.

Putting advertisements for companies inside schools is all a part of Ford’s new Toronto which shifts responsibility for things like literacy and ethics to the private sector. Asked to comment Ford thought the idea was a step in a goodly direction.

Tough to tell which Playbook is getting a bigger overhaul, RIM’s Tablet or the Minnesota Vikings offense.

Tiger Woods is having a difficult time separating his personal life from his golf game. After a disappointing weekend of play Tiger was asked who would be holding his club for the PGA Championship and out of habit he said a blond.

Chad Ochocinco says he will stay with a fan at the start of the NFL season with his new team the New England Patriots. The idea is a publicity stunt whereas in the CFL it is known by a more technical term, the living allowance.

Los Angles has approved a new $1.2 billion stadium for the city with a hope they can acquire an NFL franchise by 2014 with the expected relocation of the team to Portland in late 2016.

Tiger Woods says he is having troubles with his grip leading to his new saying grip it you idiot. Funny, a good grip is what Tiger’s hookups say was the most charming thing about him.

There are reports Tiger Woods is looking to hire the caddy that was let go by Adam Scott when he hired the caddy Tiger let go. This is like a wife swap story except it was usually the wife who was left holding the new bag.

According to an insider when Alex Rodriguez was called by MLB to explain his poker games Alex asked “What’s the deal?”

The latest sponsor to flee from Tiger Woods is watch maker Tag Heuer who released a statement saying “It’s time”.

The Toronto Blue Jays have been accused of stealing signs at home leading to an abnormal number of home runs. A quick look at their record shows the sign they most often steal is the sign of surrender.

Tossing rookies under the bus

2011 NFL Labour Lockout/ Lawsuits/ Deal/Agreement/Capitulation Highlights
After tying up negotiations with a lawsuit QB’s from the plaintiffs may initially be reluctant to take to the field and 15 yards is probably not enough of a penalty for roughing the passer

The biggest haircut was to the service industry where the price of priceless hair has remained like the chemicals they use… stagnant.

Rookies were shown how easy negotiations can be with NFL owners creating an unusually small revenue stream for sycophants, knob polishers and agents. What the rookies learned was to hire a lawyer and they will do it all.

Most segments of the sycophant industry are reporting huge decreases year over year. The new labour deal creates an amendment to the contract binding future litigants to a trickled on style of arbitration. That’s where the ones with money, owners, piss on the pile of money in question, spend it and eventually everyone will touch some of the money. Not a trickle down model more a tinkled on theory.

The contract has resulted in a new locker-room taunt for NFL rookies. “Hope you got a lot of guaranteed money”. This replaces the previous chant to an NFL rookie “You’re paying”.

Randy Moss retired and as a person who satirizes professional sport I thought “finally!” As a joke creator he was unparalleled. Who can write funnier shit than the stuff that came out of his mouth?

Often traded DL Albert Haynsworth reported for training camp and was asked how he was dealing with putting on different colors again, to which he replied I want to go back to McDonalds.

Payton Manning gave up $2 million a year to play in Indianapolis for the Colts. A survey among retired QB’s revealed, when asked if they would have considered giving up $2 million to play for a former team, revealed the number 1 response was “When was that?” Compared to giving up your health, memory and hope a couple of million isn’t that big a deal.

The NFL is trying to counteract the popularity of gangstra/guns messages of many of the players. Commissioner Roger Gödel has a new Yutube he hopes will go viral titled Drive by Moneying in which he tries to smother the Urban demographic with advertising glorifying the violence making money while driving out of Town, with the money and returning in 2 weeks for more. I think the director is Ludacris… or some crisis.

Did Chris Chelios get elected to the USA Hockey Hall of Fame as a player or an inventor?

The movie Planet of the Apes is origins take on a genetically and pharmacologically enhanced Primates flick from the ‘70’s. The Primates then form together creating a super species and is based on actual stories from College Football Try-Outs.

A disturbing new fad is the so called “flashrob” where people get together on social media sites and mob a store to rob it. Crime experts see it as a combination of “flashmobs” from social media and free agency in that the mobs go where there is money, owners are powerless to prevent them from getting everything and for the paying customer, it will take a while to re-stock the shelves.

Chad Ochocinco says he could beat Canadian MMA star Georges St. Pierre in a fight, but I’m guessing if Chad got into the ring at the end he would be calling himself OUCHocinco.

Alex Rodriguez is being investigated by the MLB after allegations he has been involved in underground poker games. The evidence came to light when MLB was shown pictures of Alex constantly walking around without a top leading to speculation he is losing his shirt. Are we really surprised Alex is being investigated for poke her?


The NDP is being criticized for appointing a former member of a separatist party to be their interim leader. To me the critique is overdone I mean if LeBron can take his talent to South Beach why should party leaders be held to a different standard in Quebec? Politics is all a game there.


Big shout out to Edward Kay who was a driving force in creating The Heart of Laughter featuring some confused comedy teacher. Edward had his children’s show, Jimmy Two Shoes, nominated for a Gemini Award… Go Edward! Can’t wait to see you in a Tux!