The elusive Doesn't Matter

The Federal Government is about to issue new guidelines on wearing facial coverings in public.  The new legislation will ban Burkas and other facial coverings but exemptions are made for Toronto Maple Leaf, Edmonton Oiler and Calgary Flame fans who wear paper bags to games.

After nixing a trade that would have sent New Orleans Hornets star Chris Paul to the LA Lakers league commissioner and de-facto owner of the Hornets David Stern listed his reasons.  1. It was a bad trade for the Hornets. 2. It was a bad trade for the Lakers. 3. It was a good day for Voodoo dolls.

If the NHL league commissioner could disallow trades based on their being bad for a team Mike Millbury might still have a job as GM.

The NBA is instituting a new protocol for concussions with each member of the league to be tested at the start of the year to provide a baseline.  First up to be given a head scan is Commissioner David Stern who will be tested again if the league is able to sell the New Orleans Hornets.

Sighting a hard-shelled sea turtle off British Columbia's coast is extremely rare, so experts are both puzzled and concerned that three such turtles have washed ashore in the last two weeks on Vancouver Island.  Officials say they usually see slow, hard shelled animals turn up when Hockey Night in Canada tapes their Hot Stove Lounge in Vancouver.

Questions are being raised about whether principals in B.C. schools are qualified to administer breathalyzers.  Parents have raised concerns in light of the Penn State abuse scandals as to whether we want school officials asking kids to blow anything.

Winnipeg Jets license plates went on sale Monday and were being snapped up at a at Autopac agencies around the province.  Officials say they are expecting more plates to be sold, especially collector items crafted by convicted sex offender Graham James.

Researchers this week are expected to release findings from the Large Hedron Collider that confirm the existence of the God Particle thought to be the source of all matter in the Universe.  The particle was found when objects were made to collide in a circular arena travelling at high speeds.  Early indications are the particle has a large collar, wears gaudy suits and answers to the name “Coach”. 

An unexpected finding happened when looking for origins of dark matter and anti-matter of the existence of a new energy called doesn’t matter.  This is said to be the reason there is hockey in Phoenix.

A new realignment in the NHL was questioned when reports of a 5^th conference featuring only the Phoenix Coyotes came to light.  A spokesman for Gary Bettman says the Coyotes which will compete against itself and be guaranteed a shot at the Stanley Cup, is in no way a thinly veiled attempt to re-coupe the losses of the past few years.  “The fact is Phoenix is a unique situation” said the official who spoke to media “Phoenix will play inter-squad games until a winning team is picked or a buyer is found”.

The Surrey Urban Mission is looking for a looking for a place to serve Christmas dinner to people in need this holiday season. For the past 12 years, the Mission has served its meals in a Whalley church, which is shared by four faith groups. But this year, with Christmas falling on a Sunday, there is a conflict over the space as churchgoers need the church for services.  A spokesman for the Calgary Flames said they would love to help but the Saddledome is booked thorough out the season with the team serving up turkeys nearly every night.

A janitor at a Canada Post sorting station in Castlegar, B.C., has been charged with 14 counts of mail theft for allegedly opening and stealing Christmas mail.  The man will plead innocent saying he knew the presents were for BC Lions players and felt they got enough gifts from Winnipeg in the Grey Cup.

If the Federal Government can send in a third party manager to Attawapiskat for gross spending violations why can’t they appoint one for the Calgary Flames?

Headline: HOCKEY FIGHTS MAY INCREASE DEGENERATIVE BRAIN DISEASE RISK.  This is followed by Headline: Drinking paint thinner tastes bad and Headline: Telling your wife she is fat not recommended.

Two over 70 former CFL greats traded punches this weekend during Grey Cup celebrations in Vancouver.  Angelo Moska and Joe Capp renewed decades old hostilities with Moska even using his cane to ward off Capp.  A spokesman for the Calgary Flames was in attendance and has advised Coach Brent Sutter to allow his aging player to bring their canes to defend themselves.

The B.C. Supreme Court has upheld the conviction of a West Vancouver man for punching a North Vancouver woman who told him to stop making a mess of her recycling bins.  In Calgary Flames fans are getting to the point of violence after repeated attempts to recycle used players.

Vancouver health care administrators are defending hospital parking fees, after Canada's top medical journal called for their abolition in an editorial on Monday.  A spokesman for the Hospital says the fees help balance their books; in fact they made thousands after the Stanley Cup riots.

B.C. NDP MLA Jagrup Brar will temporarily give up his home and salary and live on $610 welfare for one month after accepting a challenge from campaign group Raise the Rates.  A spokesman for the CFLPA was encouraged by the development and hopes he will post how he did it as a guide for rookies in the CFL.

Vancouver police are seeking possible witnesses of an assault that was committed against a Calgary Stampeders fan that was possibly sparked by his choice of jersey.  A spokesman for the Police say they are looking for a 75 year old man who was last seen headed for the CFL awards.

Researchers say a deer-sized, plant-eating dinosaur that roamed Saskatchewan 66 million years ago is a new species.  This is the 1^st new species since the discovery of Kenius Milleras nearly 5 years ago.

Detroit Lions defensive end  Ndamukong Suh's stomp will cost him two games without pay.   Asked to comment a NFL spokesman said it was a step in the right direction.

Catching Up

It was in keeping with his faith when Tim Tebow lost on Sunday. Christians have never fared well against Lions.

The good news I was offered a position at a major US University…bad news it was ball boy for Penn State.

Michigan State and North Carolina played the 1^st ever College game on an Aircraft Carrier, the USS Carl Vinson. The game was relatively free of problems although it made the tailgate party a little wetter than usual.

Washington Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos was kidnapped from his home in Venezuela which has MLB officials in a dilemma. Do they join the investigation or use Venezuela as a place to send players like Adam Dunn?

Having a memorial cart race to honour a man who died in an auto crash seems a little ghoulish. What next a fighting contest to honour hockey players who died from head injuries?

Hickstead the great Canadian equestrian horse of rider Eric Lamaze has been found dead. Officials have ruled out cocaine as a cause but have not yet checked the horse.

After being beaten 7-0 by the Boston Bruins I wonder how long it will take Leafs coach Ron Wilson to agree to an extension.

IOC doping head Dick Pound is furious over allegations by former enforcer Georges Laraques of widespread use of steroids in hockey. Pound then went on to say allegations of corruption, bribery, harassment and vote peddling by the IOC are an internal matter.

NBA Commissioner David Stern is giving the players an ultimatum to agree to a deal or get less in the future, because if there is anything NBA players react well to it is being threatened. Stern might want to be more selective in his wording or everything could get shot down…literally.

Great I have my winning ticket for the NFL riding on the New Orleans – Indianapolis game and New Orleans missed on the last touchdown so I didn’t cover the 56 point spread.

Being a Roughrider fan this year is tough because people want to know who you are cheering for now that breaking the QB’s foot is complete. Winnipeg? Screw them they got the Jets and a cool logo, Calgary has the Flames and Cowboys so forget them and Edmonton has Ft. McMurray. Guess I’ll have to go with a true western team Hamilton.

Ken Miller has stepped down as Coach and VP of Operations for the Sask. Roughriders. Ken said he would like to stay but he is getting to an age where he is not so much interested in what players do on the field as keeping punks off his lawn.

Kim Kardashian is cancelling her marriage to NBA player Kris Humphries which was a surprise to Kris as he felt he was giving her sufficient backcourt pressure. No word on how it will affect her show but we ET in an exclusive worldwide interview with Kim, says she will try to keep the divorce private

Phoenix Coyotes forward Raffi Torres is being criticized for wearing blackface while dressed as rapper Jay-Z at a Halloween party. Torres begged forgiveness saying he was Canadian and didn’t know there were any white rappers.

When Canada played the US in the final for water polo gold medal at the Pan Am Games ESPN tried to sexy up the game by promoting it as half naked women tossing a ball by the pool and charging $3.99 a minute to watch.

Former Edmonton Eskimo Adam Braidwood is facing more weapon charges after a gunfire incident in Port Coquitlam, B.C.  Braidwood was upset saying he was merely trying to get into shape to join the Cincinnati Bengals.

The number of cougar sightings in Vancouver has raised the alarm of parents, police officers and wives who have husbands playing for the Canucks.

Vancouver has been named one of the world's three worst-dressed cities and fashionistas blame yoga pants and fans who wear the Canucks retro jersey from the ‘80’s.

Canada is turning heads with their play at the Rugby World Cup especially a man nicknamed “Beardo” for his uncontrolled facial hair.  Asked what prompted the fashion statement “Beardo” said after getting paid to play rugby in Canada he had no money left for razors.

Indianapolis Colts QB Payton Manning is said to be using a hyperbolic chamber to help recover from neck surgeries.  Medical experts say the chamber will help but what that might get him well enough to play this year is a time machine.

The last word Victor Ortiz said to Floyd Mayweather before Mayweather knocked him out? But…

Former US vice President Dick Cheney is coming to Calgary to give a talk, make some money and exchange enhanced interrogation techniques with the Sutters.

A Russian man jumped out a 5 story window, twice, in an attempt to get his wife to stop nagging.  Defensive lineman Albert Hainsworth says he considered doing that to get away from ex-coach Mike Shanahan but couldn’t get up the stairs.

A company in NY is making a 911 Merlot wine that the vintner says has a Smokey taste.  The wine has caught the eye of the Vancouver Canucks who plan to bottle a wine from their 2011 Stanley Cup run and say it will be a Rioting Riesling.  Naming a wine after a disaster is something the Toronto Maple Leafs are considering bottling with the Bud Wine.  It will feature losing vintages from such seasons as 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007 etc.

Jack Nicholas says Tiger Woods can still beat his record for most Majors if he gets the 5 inches between his ears under control.  Most experts say Tigers biggest problem is the reported 7 inches in his pants.

Sidney Crosby has been cleared to play without contact so I guess he is only going to suit up for games against the Vancouver Canucks.

The Quebec Government is trying to pass legislation that would protect them from lawsuits if the planned deal with Quebecor over management of a yet to be built arena in Quebec City passes.  This is known in hockey terms as buying a cup before playing hockey.

Vancouver Police have concluded report on the riot after last Springs Stanley Cup playoff loss could have been prevented.  The report says there should have been more Police, better screening and it wouldn’t have hurt if the Vancouver goalie could have stopped a shot or two.

A protest movement against the awarding of the Order of B.C. to former premier Gordon Campbell appears to be gaining momentum.  The award is being compared to retiring the Sedin twins jerseys in tribute to their playoff performance.

A U.S. judge has cleared the way for an Ohio woman to sue a Vancouver-based software company after naked video-chat photos of her were snapped without her permission.  The court was hearing the case as this was the 1st time naked pictures of a person other than an athlete, politician or groupie were involved.

40 women in BC have played the longest hockey game over a period of 10 days.  The game beat out a Leaf/Oilers exhibition game that was to be played until the 1st goal was scored.

Three office workers in Victoria, B.C., were taken to hospital after unwittingly sampling home-made brownies made with marijuana on their break.  The workers were given the day off and told to eat a bag of Cheetos and report back in the morning.

Philadelphia Flyers general manager Paul Holmgren has been hospitalized following a bike crash at the New Jersey shore.  Holmgren was at the Jersey Shore trying to see if Snookie could skate before offering her a contract as the teams’ enforcer.

What a week in the CFL with Regina beating Winnipeg, Edmonton upsetting Calgary and Hamilton pummeling Montreal.  Despite this the biggest upset of them all was later when the players received their game cheques.

Calgary Flames GM Jay Feaster has made a couple of salary dumps that seems to indicate in addition to his management skills he also has specialized video shooting skills and footage from the last NHL GM meetings.

Barry Bonds had his remaining 7 charges against him for obstruction of justice in his doping case dropped or as Barry called it a Hat Trick.

Javaris Crittenton, a former player for the National Basketball Association’s Washington Wizards, was arrested in Southern California in connection with a murder in Atlanta.  Officials with Georgia and California penal systems are hoping to land him as this could be the start of a prison Dream Team.

Tiger Woods will play in the Frys.com Tournament the 1^st time he has player a lesser layout since he stopped by a Buffalo Hooters.

A fierce blustery storm blew out over the East Coast as it headed to NY with meteorologists saying the damage would have been worse had it not run into the hot air coming from Rex Ryan’s media conference.

Vancouver has been knocked out of top spot as the world's most livable city because of a highway closure on Vancouver Island, according to Britain's Economist magazine which does the ranking.  The magazine was asked if the rioting played a part and they responded “You call that a riot?”  You Colonials are so cute.

Emergency crews in Langley, B.C. worked to remove a hot-air balloon caught in some trees and power lines near the banks of the Fraser River, but it is not clear how it got there.  Preliminary reports suggest it might have been the last of the Vancouver Canucks playoff fans to return to earth.

The biggest winners in the BC HST reversal are CFL players who can now add tomatoes to their Mac and Cheese.

The B.C. government is attempting to seize the $3.1 million home of a West Vancouver woman charged with human trafficking.  The house was used to house people paid so little they were virtual slaves.  In a press conference the President of the BC Lions says BC Place Stadium is safe as the players don’t live there.

The Stanley Cup took an unexpected tumble in St. John's Tuesday, when it toppled over and fell off a table during a photo op with Boston Bruins player Michael Ryder.  For a minute it looked like Vancouver Canucks goalie Roberto Luongo might be able to catch it but it was deflected and beat him 5 hole.

 Authorities in Minnesota say Winnipeg Jets star Dustin Byfuglien was arrested after being charged with operating a water craft while intoxicated. Dustin got support from former teammate Patrick Kane who Tweeted “Take a cab next time”.

The Saskatchewan Roughriders and Winnipeg Blue Bombers are exchanging taunts via billboard ads in the opposing cities.  Someone is getting pasted this weekend.

Saskatchewan has signed a 20 year agreement with the RCMP to continue providing services. A minor change will now see the force no longer being called the scarlet surge but the green menace.

Plowed to the Max

The Oakland Raiders justified their selection of Terrelle Pryor in the supplemental draft saying his immature indiscretions with the Law would balance the more mature indiscretions of the team in general.

Cincinnati management was outraged because they thought the fix was to go their way and threatened to put a cap in someone’s ass if it wasn’t changed. The official tat of the capping is trademarked PT Patent Threatened!

Giving a 69 year old with wife a related illness control of the team is a risky matter. The condition Idon’twanttoliveinsaskatchewan is rampant and only the affliction Idon’twanttoliveinedmonton has a higher degree of infection than the wives of coaches working in Saskatchewan. Team officials with both the Riders and Oilers unofficially stated the obvious when they released a statement praising the patience and tolerance or the wives and promising to construct condo’s near the airport... like soon.

Do you know if you play the fight song to the Indianapolis Colts backwards it spells Bret Favre.

The CFL has a history of employing wise, innovative, dedicated men to run many of the great teams and revive moribund franchises which is such a contrast to the idiocy of the legislative process. They should swap places and have CFL executives and coaches in the White House, House of Representatives and Senate. The world would look a whole lot different if the US Chairman of Fed was Angelo Moska, Ken Miller was Chief of Staff and Nancy Pelosi was Commissioner of the CFL.

A planet 4000 light years from earth has been discovered and believed to be covered with diamonds. Astronomers say the planet is carbon rich and they play to name the body Kobe’s Apology.

Former NFL and MLB player Bo Jackson is now the part owner of a Bank. It turns out Bo know credit default swap mortgage backed derivatives as well as baseball.

A sea lion rescued on the west coast of Vancouver Island is in critical condition and hopes for recovery are said to be less than the BC Lions chances for a playoff. Nothing against Se Lions but when did our health care system become transformed as an animal hospital? Natives have other words for a wounded Sea Lion… lunch and a coat.
Over $1 million in Blackberry phones were stolen from a warehouse in Ontario. The thieves were very professional with one Police official calling the robbery Text Book.

Oilsands protesters are planning a gathering in Ottawa and hope to get to the event using hope, love and Unicorn tears for fuel. The protestors say they will have sit downs and local events once they are unable to travel due to lack of oil.

There's a baby boom in Calgary, with the city expecting a record 18,000 births this year. Officials say the youthful population, strong economy and recent visits from NBA players among the reasons.

Calgarians who were upset the NDP under Jack Layton used their City and resources to score political points in Quebec were still planning to attend his funeral. According to a spokesman for the group they just wanted to make sure he was dead.

The Calgary Stampeders vow to get to the bottom of a tweet that landed quarterback Henry Burris in hot water saying sexist taunts have no place outside of normal groupie chat.

A farmer in Saskatchewan is rumored to be the lucky winner of $40 million in the Lotto Max draw. Asked what he plans to do with the winnings the new millionaire said he will just keep farming until it is all gone.

SaskTel has been ordered to make changes in how it collects information from sick workers after an arbitrator ruled the company was not respecting employee privacy. The ruling validated workers claims for missing work due to Rider Fever.

A tax credit is now available for Saskatchewan families with children studying arts. This has led to a rush in classes offering watermelon carving, face painting and opponent taunting.