No Pain No Fan

Former Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi is under indictment for hiring prostitutes in what is being called the Bunga Bunga Trial. This is not to be confused with Coach Ron Wison of the Toronto Maple Leafs who is testing the patience of fans with his Bungle Bungle system.

Most experts agree the winners on the NHL trade deadline were experts hired to evaluate the trades. The losers were anyone who watched the shows.

LA Lakers star Kobe Bryant was given a nasal laceration during the All Star game after being hit by Miami Heat forward Dwayne Wade. Seriously they are calling it a nasal fracture? What ever happened to the good old broken nose? A league official says they want to make the game sound more interesting so in the future players out with a severe case of the clap will now be listed as Daisy to Daisy.

Canada's glitch-prone, second-hand submarines will be with the navy until at least 2030 which means they will drown the record of being underwater currently held by the Toronto Raptors.

With both the Toronto Maple Leafs and Calgary Flames losing during nights to honour past accomplishments management is taking a stand. They promise not to do anything worth celebrating that will cause undue pressure on future teams.

Top 5 signs you were a loser at the NHL trade deadline

# 5 Your new address is in Ohio

# 4 You were traded for a stick boy and 20 rolls of tape

# 3 The team owner commits you saying you are a danger to yourself and others

# 2 Mike Millbury has nothing but praise for you

And the #1 sign you were a loser at the trade deadline…

At next year’s GM meeting you have to wear the dunce hat…

The Calgary Flames have been badly outshot in the last 10 games. To put it in perspective they have been outshot more than Bonnie and Clyde, 50 Cent and Custer combined. Goalie Mikka Kiprusoff has faced more rubber than a NBA All-star Game groupie.

Watching Derrick Williams fail to dunk nine straight times in the NBA All Star game was like sitting in a Tim Horton’s watching a drunk fail to dunk his donut in a double-double… nine times.

A book excerpt by Tiger Williams swing coach says he wanted to be a Navy Seal. At least that is what he thought he said when Tiger mentioned how much fun it was to skin dive.

A Kansas University basketball coach is advising his player to leave college if they feel they can get drafted in the NBA. Republican contender Rick Santorum gave his blessings saying only snobs and Democrats wasted their life in pursuit of learning.

The lead singer for the Monkees Davey Jones has died which means the only thing left from the swinging ‘60’s is the haircut of Pete Rose.

The world record for longest paper airplane toss was beat this week but the record for coasting on hot air is still held by Brian Burke.

The Calgary Flames have lost over 300 man games to injury this year. To put that in perspective it takes over 100 man games to do an actual day of work in the real world.

British athletes are being advised to avoid shaking hands with opponents at the upcoming Olympic Games to avoid getting sick. To avoid being considered poor sports athletes are being told to fist bump, salute or add their opponents as friend on Facebook.

It seems a new Robo-Call scandal is breaking out in professional sports with fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs being sent automated calls asking them to show up in Winnipeg to cheer on their playoff team.

Tampa Bay Lightning GM Steve Yzerman says he never hesitated when asked to become the GM for Team Canada saying it is every Canadian boys wish to be a part of the team. Next on the list is to be a part of a team that prevents the Toronto Maple Leafs from reaching the playoffs.

A 4 ton chunk of Montreal’s Olympic Stadium came crashing down causing minor damage to the structure according to the organized crime spokesman in charge of the original concrete construction. The Stadium will need some repairs but estimates from the competing crime families involved in the graft have not yet come in.

Health Canada wants to ban the pain killer Oxycontin from Pharmacies but have agreed to wait until the NHL regular season is over to see what areas of the country should be given an extension.

The New York Yankees and Pittsburgh Pirates were in a heated debate over the prospects the Yankees would get for Pitcher AJ Burnett. In the end the Yankees relented and agreed to take a couple of players for him.

The NFL is speculating who has the worst whiplash Indianapolis Colts QB Peyton Manning after his 4^th neck surgery or Team Owner Jim Irsay after trying to write a $28 Million bonus cheque to Manning.

Fans in Saskatchewan were shocked a vandal spray painted obscenities on the Church of Boston Bruins forward Milan Lucic.  Does no one in Vancouver have access to manure?

The tale of two Cities… Toronto in the midst of a free-fall had their GM reminding the league they are #1 and Calgary on a tear with their GM ecstatic that they are #8.

Phil Mickelson had a shot roll up a man’s shorts during PGA play this weekend. This is in contrast with the PGA senior’s league where balls are falling out of shorts.

NY Knicks star Carmello Anthony was expected back in the line-up on Sunday but was unable to go with what the team called a new LINjury. Anthony was healthy for a game on Monday in which the Knicks lost a situation the team is calling a coLINcidence.

Lin was sleeping on the couch of his brother before his recent run to stardom but now with a reported $750K a year salary will be eligible to rent a 300 sq. ft. Studio in Manhattan as long as he can get a roommate.

Boston Red Sox ace Josh Beckett says he had a "lapses in judgment" in the clubhouse last season during the teams’ historic September collapse.  Beckett says he will now respect the uniform and use a bib for his during the game pizza and beer.

CBC hockey analyst Mike Millbury is upset at the slow pace of trades leading up to the NHL trade deadline. When Mike was a GM of a struggling group he would make so many trades his team would be unrecognizable. That is unless you were looking for an AHL team.

Harvard economics graduate Jeremy Lin is the latest flash star of the NBA. Asked what he thought Lin said it doesn’t add up but makes more cents than the Republican budget alternatives.

Calgary Police officials are on the alert after a number of rabbits were found with arrows in them. They say it could be either a new and deadly breed of Cupid or a crazed hockey groupie making sure she wasn’t pregnant.

The Oakland A’s have signed Cuban defector Yoenis Cespedes to what has been ironically called a boatload of money.

An Ontario judge ruled Monday in striking down the mandatory minimum gun possession sentence saying it was cruel, unusual and not going to help the Toronto Raptor attract any free agents.

The Conservative government is expected to introduce a bill Tuesday to give police new powers to access Canadians' electronic communications. The Police say this will allow officers to stop crime, reduce crime and hopefully get the latest NHL trade rumours.

An online video of a Police officer being hit with a brick during the Stanley Cup riot was preceded by an advertisement for a pregnancy test. The moral of the story is clear; the easiest way to stop rioters is to prevent their birth.

Toronto Leafs GM Brian Burke called Toronto the centre of the hockey universe. This was confirmed by scientists who say the universe is mostly full of gas.

Tiger Woods put a sweater vest over his traditional red shirt for Sunday’s final match at Pebble Beach. The result was like most vests a little short.

Donald Trump launched a blistering attack on Scotland's First Minister, Alex Salmond, over plans to build what he called a “horrendous” wind farm off the coast of his luxury Scottish golf resort. Trump is furious the wind farm will generate more hot air than him. In related news the planned sand traps for the new course will be named “The Comb Over” and players will be required to use a special “Trump Rake” when leaving.

Legendary Toronto sports writer Trent Frayne died this week. In accordance with his wishes his body will be buried alongside the Maple Leafs playoff chances.

The Maple Leafs are on a tour of Western Canada just in time for Valentine’s Day and in keeping with the occasion TSN has released this poem.

Roses are red

Violets are bluer

Now that the Leafs are in the West

We’ll mention Vancouver

Tim Horton’s unveiled a Calgary Flames donut. It has no centre, a cream filling and not available at playoff time.

New England Patriots QB Tom Brady was furious with being charged with grounding the football when his pass seemed to go beyond everyone.  It was imply an answer to his wife Gisele’s request for friends and family to pray for him and he was sure he heard God say he was open.

NE Patriots QB Tom Brady’s wife Gisele Bundchen was caught saying her husband can’t throw and catch the ball at the same time.  She should know, as a model it is really hard for her to walk and chew gum at the same time.

Former world boxing champ Jean Pascal has turned over his Mercedes-Benz to a friend after losing a bet on the Super Bowl.  His wife is now asking friends and family to pray her husband comes to his senses.

I guess after the Super Bowl performance by MIA we can now call it the Finger Bowl

A Saskatchewan law limiting the ability of public sector workers to go on strike has been ruled unconstitutional by a Queen's Bench judge.  The ruling was for essential services such as Police, Ambulance and Beer Servers at Roughrider games.

The fans in Indianapolis gave New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick an ovation after he let the Giants score the winning touchdown uncontested.  Fans thought he was giving a nod to the Colts prevent defense. 

Best pass of the NHL All Star Game goes to the microphone wearing Chicago Black Hawks forward Patrick Kane who whispered to a teammate “That blonde is unbelievable”.  No word on if he was able to find a Taxi later to complete the scoring play.

Don’t know if Tiger Woods is a fan of politics but he is impressed by Newt Gingrich saying the old dude has game.

Which individual showed less class Alex Ovechkin not showing up for the All Star game to defend himself or Tim Thomas for showing up and trying?

Indianapolis Colts Owner Jim Irsay was upset with QB Peyton Manning saying Manning should “respect the Horseshoe” especially after all the trouble his dad went to when pulled a midnight move out of Baltimore to keep the “Horseshoe” respectable.

It looked like being at the Canada-Mexico Women’s Soccer game would be a riot but then I was let down when all the fans just had fun.

If there was extra time added on for injury in hockey like in soccer the Calgary Flames would have about 10 games added to their schedule.

Photographer Rachel Sussman is travelling the globe taking pictures of ancient organisms for her blog Oldest Living Things in the World.  So far she has documented 100,000 year old sea grass, an Oak tree that is 13,000 years old and a relief pitcher that appears to be ageless.

The Iraqi Government is suing a US soldier to return a brass buttock taken from a statue of former dictator Saddam Hussein saying the piece is priceless.  According to experts the only hard ass more valuable is NY Jets coach Rex Ryan.

It turns out Sidney Crosby was not only experiencing concussion like symptoms, but had a broken neck as well.  This has led teams with players listed as having concussion like symptoms to review the initial findings. From this it turns out 2 actually have sprained ankles, 1 a bruised bicep and 3 are recovering from the effects of an erection lasting more than 4 hours.

Fans in Indianapolis were charged $25 to sit in the stands and watch reporters ask questions during Super Bowl Media Day.  The NFL, desperate for revenue, has seized on this idea and will now offer fans the chance to watch the greatest stars wash their cars, mow the lawn and brush their teeth for only $9.99 a month on pay per view.

Kim Jong Burke

Hockey Night in Canada talking head and Hall of Shame former GM Mike Millbury was questioned by Boston Police after complaints he verbally and physically assaulted a 12 year old boy during a hockey game.  A spokesman for CBC was ecstatic saying if the kid was French Canadian they might finally have found a replacement for Don Cherry.

I guess we now know God will cheer for a QB with a model wife instead of a model Christian.

The Toronto Raptors unveiled a 3 dimensional sign behind the basket in their home opener, 2 dimensions more than their offence.

A Vancouver developer has unveiled 30 "micro-lofts," which are under 300 square feet in size and are touted as the smallest self-contained furnished rental apartments in Canada.  The lofts are said to be perfect for those on a fixed income, low income or CFL income.

The City of Vancouver is looking to implement scramble crosswalks at the city's busiest and most dangerous intersections.  Police feel this will allow greater safety when trying to cross the street during riots.

Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) star Brock Lesnar and a hunting guide have been charged with three counts under Alberta's Wildlife Act.  An unidentified source says Lesner will be charged with 2 counts of unlawful hunting and one of not stopping when the animal tapped out.

A new church in Saskatoon is using high-tech solar panels alongside traditional stained glass.  The parish feels this will allow attendees to watch Rider games while in services without draining the electrical budget.

Montreal Canadians fans are incensed their new coach does not speak French.  Especially upset are reporters who say he has taken the joy out of ridiculing him by not being able to understand their attacks.

North Korea’s dictator Kim Jong Ill died this week with officials saying the last undisputed dictatorship now resides in Toronto and have nicknamed him Kim Jong Burke.

BS in the BCS

Police in Calgary are warning people about the dangers of ecstasy saying the drug has been linked to deaths and overdoses.  The easiest way to get off ecstasy say experts is to stop cheering for the Flames.

An Alberta mom has given birth to 2 New Year’s babies in a row.  The odds on this are just slightly higher than the Flames winning 2 games in a row.

Calgary Stampeders QB Henry Burris was traded to the Hamilton Tiger Cats.  Burris says he will miss the chance to go for a Grey Cup and getting into his neighbors D cups.

Since Toronto Maple Leafs coach Ron Wilson received a contract extension the team has lost 3 games in a row.   GM Brian Burke was nonplused saying if he had let Wilson go he would be losing games with a much better team.

NY Rangers coach John Tortorella said he believes the NHL and NBC tried to fix the Winter Classic to go into overtime.  A spokesman for the NHL says the game was not fixed but he does expect Tortorella to be neutered.

The Montreal Canadians have apologized for not hiring a bilingual coach saying they thought a unilingual coach could just as easily waive the white flag.

God was asked why he had abandoned Tim Tebow during the last 3 games of the season only to be at his side in the overtime win against Pittsburgh.  God said Christmas is a tough time for him what with birthday preparations and all the rappers releasing albums, but likes to throw in a miracle as a New Year’s treat for the devoted.

Boston Bruins forward Brad Marchand was repent for his hit on Vancouver Canucks Sami Salo saying he was only protecting himself from a bigger opponent.  This explains why Marchand only received 5 games as the NHL believed his apology was really big of him.

With the BCS championship game over we can now finally say goodbye to College football, except for the court cases, suspensions and drug arrests.

Hundreds of people attended the opening day of public hearings that may determine the fate of a controversial plan to build the Northern Gateway pipeline to the West Coast from Alberta's oilsands in the First Nations community of Kitamaat Village, B.C.  In addition to the usual suspects it was surprising to see the NHL represented, saying they will support the pipeline but only if the NHLPA gives up some revenue.

Finance Minister Jim Flaherty says the next budget will be “prudent” which is like the NY Yankees saying they will spend “cautiously”.

A landmark Caribbean eatery is being forced to vacate its Queen Street East digs after a new landlord has ordered the restaurant off the property.  The Real Jerk recently received notice that the property located at Queen Street East and Broadview Avenue had been sold to a developer who wants the restaurant to leave by the end of the month.  An NHL spokesman was stunned saying they thought the real jerk was Brad Marchand.

The elusive Doesn't Matter

The Federal Government is about to issue new guidelines on wearing facial coverings in public.  The new legislation will ban Burkas and other facial coverings but exemptions are made for Toronto Maple Leaf, Edmonton Oiler and Calgary Flame fans who wear paper bags to games.

After nixing a trade that would have sent New Orleans Hornets star Chris Paul to the LA Lakers league commissioner and de-facto owner of the Hornets David Stern listed his reasons.  1. It was a bad trade for the Hornets. 2. It was a bad trade for the Lakers. 3. It was a good day for Voodoo dolls.

If the NHL league commissioner could disallow trades based on their being bad for a team Mike Millbury might still have a job as GM.

The NBA is instituting a new protocol for concussions with each member of the league to be tested at the start of the year to provide a baseline.  First up to be given a head scan is Commissioner David Stern who will be tested again if the league is able to sell the New Orleans Hornets.

Sighting a hard-shelled sea turtle off British Columbia's coast is extremely rare, so experts are both puzzled and concerned that three such turtles have washed ashore in the last two weeks on Vancouver Island.  Officials say they usually see slow, hard shelled animals turn up when Hockey Night in Canada tapes their Hot Stove Lounge in Vancouver.

Questions are being raised about whether principals in B.C. schools are qualified to administer breathalyzers.  Parents have raised concerns in light of the Penn State abuse scandals as to whether we want school officials asking kids to blow anything.

Winnipeg Jets license plates went on sale Monday and were being snapped up at a at Autopac agencies around the province.  Officials say they are expecting more plates to be sold, especially collector items crafted by convicted sex offender Graham James.

Researchers this week are expected to release findings from the Large Hedron Collider that confirm the existence of the God Particle thought to be the source of all matter in the Universe.  The particle was found when objects were made to collide in a circular arena travelling at high speeds.  Early indications are the particle has a large collar, wears gaudy suits and answers to the name “Coach”. 

An unexpected finding happened when looking for origins of dark matter and anti-matter of the existence of a new energy called doesn’t matter.  This is said to be the reason there is hockey in Phoenix.

A new realignment in the NHL was questioned when reports of a 5^th conference featuring only the Phoenix Coyotes came to light.  A spokesman for Gary Bettman says the Coyotes which will compete against itself and be guaranteed a shot at the Stanley Cup, is in no way a thinly veiled attempt to re-coupe the losses of the past few years.  “The fact is Phoenix is a unique situation” said the official who spoke to media “Phoenix will play inter-squad games until a winning team is picked or a buyer is found”.

The Surrey Urban Mission is looking for a looking for a place to serve Christmas dinner to people in need this holiday season. For the past 12 years, the Mission has served its meals in a Whalley church, which is shared by four faith groups. But this year, with Christmas falling on a Sunday, there is a conflict over the space as churchgoers need the church for services.  A spokesman for the Calgary Flames said they would love to help but the Saddledome is booked thorough out the season with the team serving up turkeys nearly every night.

A janitor at a Canada Post sorting station in Castlegar, B.C., has been charged with 14 counts of mail theft for allegedly opening and stealing Christmas mail.  The man will plead innocent saying he knew the presents were for BC Lions players and felt they got enough gifts from Winnipeg in the Grey Cup.

If the Federal Government can send in a third party manager to Attawapiskat for gross spending violations why can’t they appoint one for the Calgary Flames?

Headline: HOCKEY FIGHTS MAY INCREASE DEGENERATIVE BRAIN DISEASE RISK.  This is followed by Headline: Drinking paint thinner tastes bad and Headline: Telling your wife she is fat not recommended.

Two over 70 former CFL greats traded punches this weekend during Grey Cup celebrations in Vancouver.  Angelo Moska and Joe Capp renewed decades old hostilities with Moska even using his cane to ward off Capp.  A spokesman for the Calgary Flames was in attendance and has advised Coach Brent Sutter to allow his aging player to bring their canes to defend themselves.

The B.C. Supreme Court has upheld the conviction of a West Vancouver man for punching a North Vancouver woman who told him to stop making a mess of her recycling bins.  In Calgary Flames fans are getting to the point of violence after repeated attempts to recycle used players.

Vancouver health care administrators are defending hospital parking fees, after Canada's top medical journal called for their abolition in an editorial on Monday.  A spokesman for the Hospital says the fees help balance their books; in fact they made thousands after the Stanley Cup riots.

B.C. NDP MLA Jagrup Brar will temporarily give up his home and salary and live on $610 welfare for one month after accepting a challenge from campaign group Raise the Rates.  A spokesman for the CFLPA was encouraged by the development and hopes he will post how he did it as a guide for rookies in the CFL.

Vancouver police are seeking possible witnesses of an assault that was committed against a Calgary Stampeders fan that was possibly sparked by his choice of jersey.  A spokesman for the Police say they are looking for a 75 year old man who was last seen headed for the CFL awards.

Researchers say a deer-sized, plant-eating dinosaur that roamed Saskatchewan 66 million years ago is a new species.  This is the 1^st new species since the discovery of Kenius Milleras nearly 5 years ago.

Detroit Lions defensive end  Ndamukong Suh's stomp will cost him two games without pay.   Asked to comment a NFL spokesman said it was a step in the right direction.