Judas another day in the NFL

Now that Peyton Manning is with the Denver Bronco’s word is out they are willing to sell Tim Tebow for 30 pieces of silver. Rumour has it the Broncos would sell Tebow in a New York minutes

It seems there is no truth to the rumour Duke University is changing its name to the Blew it Devils.

There was a controversy in Alberta when the bus that was to carry Wildrose leader Danielle Smith was revealed showing her picture with the rear tires making a good impression of her breasts. The bus was going to be reworked until every Major Junior Hockey team stated bidding on it.

Two busloads of students were escorted to a police station in Candiac, Quebec Tuesday after an hour-long demonstration blocked an access ramp to the busy Champlain Bridge into Montreal. The students will be charged with loitering and impersonating the Montreal Canadians.

A poll of Canadians has found a majority think Albertans are “smug” and “uncaring”. Asked to comment Daryl Sutter the Alberta born Coach of the LA Kings replied “Whatever”.  The poll result was a surprise to Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke who said Albertans seemed normal.

Calgary's first poet laureate was announced at a ceremony Monday at city hall. In keeping with the perception of Albertans as “smug” and “uncaring” his first poem as the new laureate was titled “Get off my Lawn”

In an effort to start getting a better return in their trades the Toronto Maple Leafs have announced they hired Sheldon Smithens and Scott Cozens, the Canadian Pickers, to look for gems at this year’s NHL Draft.  The report is being met with outrage from LA Kings Coach Daryl Sutter who has sued for trademark infringement saying when he was GM picking antiques was his job.

Canadian consumers are being warned to avoid 135 frozen beef products, with brands ranging from President's Choice to Irresistibles to Lick's being recalled because they may be contaminated with E. coli bacteria. The only Presidents Choice to make customers sicker was when the Montreal Canadians President Geoff Molson hired unilingual Coach Randy Cunneyworth.

Much Madness

Calgary Flames winger Curtis Glencross has scored 25 goals and is being paid $2.5 million a year which GM Brent Sutter says is due to him taking a home team discount. Toronto Maple Leafs Michael Grabovski has scored 21 goals and signed a contract for $5.5 million which GM Brian Burke says was a visiting team bonus.

Tough year for NHL coaches with Lindsay Ruff out 2 weeks after breaking ribs, Todd McLellan spent a month with a concussion and Don Cherry’s career may be over with what is being called an upper back stabbing.

New research from the Harvard School of Public Health suggests even moderate consumption of red meat — as little as one serving a day — poses a more serious health risk than first thought. The report says men should now shoot for a body with abs like bean curds. The authors of the report were going to release their findings earlier but no one had the strength to deliver it.

NY Rangers forward Sean Avery has retired saying he “threw my skates in the Hudson River”. The announcement came as a shock to the Hudson River revitalization committee who has tried for years to clean up their dirty reputation.

The union representing British Columbia's 30,000 nurses is throwing a spotlight on what it argues is declining patient care as it appeals for public support to hire thousands of additional workers in the latest round of contract negotiations. A spokesman says the only chance BC has to avoid a catastrophic situation is if the Vancouver Canucks keep playing the way they have lately and thus reduce the need for riot nursing.

A municipal task force aiming to make housing more affordable in Vancouver released its first set of recommendations on Monday. Officials are warning the cost of housing will affect the aged, chronically poor and CFL rookies.

I filled out my March Madness bracket this year and was instantly referred to a site that provides support for delusional behaviour. Despite this you heard it here 1^st… Syracuse by a nose!

No Pain No Fan

Former Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi is under indictment for hiring prostitutes in what is being called the Bunga Bunga Trial. This is not to be confused with Coach Ron Wison of the Toronto Maple Leafs who is testing the patience of fans with his Bungle Bungle system.

Most experts agree the winners on the NHL trade deadline were experts hired to evaluate the trades. The losers were anyone who watched the shows.

LA Lakers star Kobe Bryant was given a nasal laceration during the All Star game after being hit by Miami Heat forward Dwayne Wade. Seriously they are calling it a nasal fracture? What ever happened to the good old broken nose? A league official says they want to make the game sound more interesting so in the future players out with a severe case of the clap will now be listed as Daisy to Daisy.

Canada's glitch-prone, second-hand submarines will be with the navy until at least 2030 which means they will drown the record of being underwater currently held by the Toronto Raptors.

With both the Toronto Maple Leafs and Calgary Flames losing during nights to honour past accomplishments management is taking a stand. They promise not to do anything worth celebrating that will cause undue pressure on future teams.

Top 5 signs you were a loser at the NHL trade deadline

# 5 Your new address is in Ohio

# 4 You were traded for a stick boy and 20 rolls of tape

# 3 The team owner commits you saying you are a danger to yourself and others

# 2 Mike Millbury has nothing but praise for you

And the #1 sign you were a loser at the trade deadline…

At next year’s GM meeting you have to wear the dunce hat…

The Calgary Flames have been badly outshot in the last 10 games. To put it in perspective they have been outshot more than Bonnie and Clyde, 50 Cent and Custer combined. Goalie Mikka Kiprusoff has faced more rubber than a NBA All-star Game groupie.

Watching Derrick Williams fail to dunk nine straight times in the NBA All Star game was like sitting in a Tim Horton’s watching a drunk fail to dunk his donut in a double-double… nine times.

A book excerpt by Tiger Williams swing coach says he wanted to be a Navy Seal. At least that is what he thought he said when Tiger mentioned how much fun it was to skin dive.

A Kansas University basketball coach is advising his player to leave college if they feel they can get drafted in the NBA. Republican contender Rick Santorum gave his blessings saying only snobs and Democrats wasted their life in pursuit of learning.

The lead singer for the Monkees Davey Jones has died which means the only thing left from the swinging ‘60’s is the haircut of Pete Rose.

The world record for longest paper airplane toss was beat this week but the record for coasting on hot air is still held by Brian Burke.

The Calgary Flames have lost over 300 man games to injury this year. To put that in perspective it takes over 100 man games to do an actual day of work in the real world.

British athletes are being advised to avoid shaking hands with opponents at the upcoming Olympic Games to avoid getting sick. To avoid being considered poor sports athletes are being told to fist bump, salute or add their opponents as friend on Facebook.

It seems a new Robo-Call scandal is breaking out in professional sports with fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs being sent automated calls asking them to show up in Winnipeg to cheer on their playoff team.

Tampa Bay Lightning GM Steve Yzerman says he never hesitated when asked to become the GM for Team Canada saying it is every Canadian boys wish to be a part of the team. Next on the list is to be a part of a team that prevents the Toronto Maple Leafs from reaching the playoffs.

A 4 ton chunk of Montreal’s Olympic Stadium came crashing down causing minor damage to the structure according to the organized crime spokesman in charge of the original concrete construction. The Stadium will need some repairs but estimates from the competing crime families involved in the graft have not yet come in.

Health Canada wants to ban the pain killer Oxycontin from Pharmacies but have agreed to wait until the NHL regular season is over to see what areas of the country should be given an extension.

The New York Yankees and Pittsburgh Pirates were in a heated debate over the prospects the Yankees would get for Pitcher AJ Burnett. In the end the Yankees relented and agreed to take a couple of players for him.

The NFL is speculating who has the worst whiplash Indianapolis Colts QB Peyton Manning after his 4^th neck surgery or Team Owner Jim Irsay after trying to write a $28 Million bonus cheque to Manning.

Fans in Saskatchewan were shocked a vandal spray painted obscenities on the Church of Boston Bruins forward Milan Lucic.  Does no one in Vancouver have access to manure?

The tale of two Cities… Toronto in the midst of a free-fall had their GM reminding the league they are #1 and Calgary on a tear with their GM ecstatic that they are #8.

Phil Mickelson had a shot roll up a man’s shorts during PGA play this weekend. This is in contrast with the PGA senior’s league where balls are falling out of shorts.

NY Knicks star Carmello Anthony was expected back in the line-up on Sunday but was unable to go with what the team called a new LINjury. Anthony was healthy for a game on Monday in which the Knicks lost a situation the team is calling a coLINcidence.

Lin was sleeping on the couch of his brother before his recent run to stardom but now with a reported $750K a year salary will be eligible to rent a 300 sq. ft. Studio in Manhattan as long as he can get a roommate.

Boston Red Sox ace Josh Beckett says he had a "lapses in judgment" in the clubhouse last season during the teams’ historic September collapse.  Beckett says he will now respect the uniform and use a bib for his during the game pizza and beer.

CBC hockey analyst Mike Millbury is upset at the slow pace of trades leading up to the NHL trade deadline. When Mike was a GM of a struggling group he would make so many trades his team would be unrecognizable. That is unless you were looking for an AHL team.

Harvard economics graduate Jeremy Lin is the latest flash star of the NBA. Asked what he thought Lin said it doesn’t add up but makes more cents than the Republican budget alternatives.

Calgary Police officials are on the alert after a number of rabbits were found with arrows in them. They say it could be either a new and deadly breed of Cupid or a crazed hockey groupie making sure she wasn’t pregnant.

The Oakland A’s have signed Cuban defector Yoenis Cespedes to what has been ironically called a boatload of money.

An Ontario judge ruled Monday in striking down the mandatory minimum gun possession sentence saying it was cruel, unusual and not going to help the Toronto Raptor attract any free agents.

The Conservative government is expected to introduce a bill Tuesday to give police new powers to access Canadians' electronic communications. The Police say this will allow officers to stop crime, reduce crime and hopefully get the latest NHL trade rumours.

An online video of a Police officer being hit with a brick during the Stanley Cup riot was preceded by an advertisement for a pregnancy test. The moral of the story is clear; the easiest way to stop rioters is to prevent their birth.

Toronto Leafs GM Brian Burke called Toronto the centre of the hockey universe. This was confirmed by scientists who say the universe is mostly full of gas.

Tiger Woods put a sweater vest over his traditional red shirt for Sunday’s final match at Pebble Beach. The result was like most vests a little short.

Donald Trump launched a blistering attack on Scotland's First Minister, Alex Salmond, over plans to build what he called a “horrendous” wind farm off the coast of his luxury Scottish golf resort. Trump is furious the wind farm will generate more hot air than him. In related news the planned sand traps for the new course will be named “The Comb Over” and players will be required to use a special “Trump Rake” when leaving.

Legendary Toronto sports writer Trent Frayne died this week. In accordance with his wishes his body will be buried alongside the Maple Leafs playoff chances.

The Maple Leafs are on a tour of Western Canada just in time for Valentine’s Day and in keeping with the occasion TSN has released this poem.

Roses are red

Violets are bluer

Now that the Leafs are in the West

We’ll mention Vancouver

Tim Horton’s unveiled a Calgary Flames donut. It has no centre, a cream filling and not available at playoff time.

New England Patriots QB Tom Brady was furious with being charged with grounding the football when his pass seemed to go beyond everyone.  It was imply an answer to his wife Gisele’s request for friends and family to pray for him and he was sure he heard God say he was open.

NE Patriots QB Tom Brady’s wife Gisele Bundchen was caught saying her husband can’t throw and catch the ball at the same time.  She should know, as a model it is really hard for her to walk and chew gum at the same time.

Former world boxing champ Jean Pascal has turned over his Mercedes-Benz to a friend after losing a bet on the Super Bowl.  His wife is now asking friends and family to pray her husband comes to his senses.

I guess after the Super Bowl performance by MIA we can now call it the Finger Bowl

A Saskatchewan law limiting the ability of public sector workers to go on strike has been ruled unconstitutional by a Queen's Bench judge.  The ruling was for essential services such as Police, Ambulance and Beer Servers at Roughrider games.

The fans in Indianapolis gave New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick an ovation after he let the Giants score the winning touchdown uncontested.  Fans thought he was giving a nod to the Colts prevent defense. 

Best pass of the NHL All Star Game goes to the microphone wearing Chicago Black Hawks forward Patrick Kane who whispered to a teammate “That blonde is unbelievable”.  No word on if he was able to find a Taxi later to complete the scoring play.

Don’t know if Tiger Woods is a fan of politics but he is impressed by Newt Gingrich saying the old dude has game.

Which individual showed less class Alex Ovechkin not showing up for the All Star game to defend himself or Tim Thomas for showing up and trying?

Indianapolis Colts Owner Jim Irsay was upset with QB Peyton Manning saying Manning should “respect the Horseshoe” especially after all the trouble his dad went to when pulled a midnight move out of Baltimore to keep the “Horseshoe” respectable.

It looked like being at the Canada-Mexico Women’s Soccer game would be a riot but then I was let down when all the fans just had fun.

If there was extra time added on for injury in hockey like in soccer the Calgary Flames would have about 10 games added to their schedule.

Photographer Rachel Sussman is travelling the globe taking pictures of ancient organisms for her blog Oldest Living Things in the World.  So far she has documented 100,000 year old sea grass, an Oak tree that is 13,000 years old and a relief pitcher that appears to be ageless.

The Iraqi Government is suing a US soldier to return a brass buttock taken from a statue of former dictator Saddam Hussein saying the piece is priceless.  According to experts the only hard ass more valuable is NY Jets coach Rex Ryan.

It turns out Sidney Crosby was not only experiencing concussion like symptoms, but had a broken neck as well.  This has led teams with players listed as having concussion like symptoms to review the initial findings. From this it turns out 2 actually have sprained ankles, 1 a bruised bicep and 3 are recovering from the effects of an erection lasting more than 4 hours.

Fans in Indianapolis were charged $25 to sit in the stands and watch reporters ask questions during Super Bowl Media Day.  The NFL, desperate for revenue, has seized on this idea and will now offer fans the chance to watch the greatest stars wash their cars, mow the lawn and brush their teeth for only $9.99 a month on pay per view.

Kim Jong Burke

Hockey Night in Canada talking head and Hall of Shame former GM Mike Millbury was questioned by Boston Police after complaints he verbally and physically assaulted a 12 year old boy during a hockey game.  A spokesman for CBC was ecstatic saying if the kid was French Canadian they might finally have found a replacement for Don Cherry.

I guess we now know God will cheer for a QB with a model wife instead of a model Christian.

The Toronto Raptors unveiled a 3 dimensional sign behind the basket in their home opener, 2 dimensions more than their offence.

A Vancouver developer has unveiled 30 "micro-lofts," which are under 300 square feet in size and are touted as the smallest self-contained furnished rental apartments in Canada.  The lofts are said to be perfect for those on a fixed income, low income or CFL income.

The City of Vancouver is looking to implement scramble crosswalks at the city's busiest and most dangerous intersections.  Police feel this will allow greater safety when trying to cross the street during riots.

Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) star Brock Lesnar and a hunting guide have been charged with three counts under Alberta's Wildlife Act.  An unidentified source says Lesner will be charged with 2 counts of unlawful hunting and one of not stopping when the animal tapped out.

A new church in Saskatoon is using high-tech solar panels alongside traditional stained glass.  The parish feels this will allow attendees to watch Rider games while in services without draining the electrical budget.

Montreal Canadians fans are incensed their new coach does not speak French.  Especially upset are reporters who say he has taken the joy out of ridiculing him by not being able to understand their attacks.

North Korea’s dictator Kim Jong Ill died this week with officials saying the last undisputed dictatorship now resides in Toronto and have nicknamed him Kim Jong Burke.