Averybody hate Him!

Sean Avery was offered a TV sit com after he aced the screen test.

Avery says the show will be a romantic comedy with a tentative plot revolving around him falling in love with his press clippings.

Carl Lewis is stopping just short of accusing Usain Bolt of taking performance enhancing drugs. Bolt was shocked because after listening to him attempt the American anthem he thought Lewis had died of embarrassment.

If every NFL player who had mental problems was treated like Vince Young there wouldn’t be enough psychologists left to treat the people in the financial sector.

Toronto Argonaut quarterback Kerry Joseph was demoted to second string so now he will have to take the money and sit.

Former hockey great Bobby Hull went off on a rant against today’s players wasting thousands of dollars on rookie initiation meals. Hull says it makes him want to pull out his hair, but it would ruin the transplant.

Toronto Argonauts quarterback Cody Picket has a rope in his locker in tribute to his days as a rodeo cowboy. Upon hearing this F1 head Max Mosley said “that’s it... I’m secretly a cowboy.”

A survey has reported 30% of men say sex is better after their team has won especially after watching the lingerie bowl.

The balance of the men say sex is better when their partners’ team has won.

The NHL says insurance costs will prevent star players from attending international events. This means the increase in premiums will decrease the number of premium players.

Ottawa Senators owner Eugene Melnyk announced he will try to purchase a MLS franchise and in a surprise move plans to call them the Roughriders.

It will be a toss-up as to who will tee off first players on the Ryder Cup or fans of Montreal and Edmonton who won’t be able to see their CFL teams play.

TSN says the conflict was unavoidable and said they tried to make alternate arrangements but those picky Montreal fans didn’t want to get up at 6:00 AM for a game.

The NY Mets say their biggest mistake during their playoff drive was not adding Dr. Heimlich when the roster expanded.

Top 3 Signs your NHL teams’ owner spent too much on free agents

# 3 His account says the books are scarier than his last horror film

# 2 His financial planner says his investments in Bank stocks are worth more than his investment in players’ salaries

# 3 Teams’ insurance company won’t allow the team to fly together as it will constitute too much risk.

Teachers in Saskatchewan are surprised by students’ lack of understanding on food saying kids think meat comes from a freezer, cereal comes from a store and watermelons come from a Riders game.

A tie worn by Montreal Canadians coach Guy Carbonneau was auctioned for $100,000 at a charity event the most paid for a tie since Al Gore.

On bended knee...

I find it ironic that confirmed bachelor Tom Brady is injured when his knee hit the ground.

Toronto Maple Leafs are upset with Liberal leader Stephane Dion when he kicked off his campaign by saying he will exceed the public’s low expectations. Officials are accusing Dion of stealing from their new marketing strategy.

After watching the Green Bay Packers put up the points in their opening game it seems Mr. Rogers neighbourhood may be the end zone.

With Don Mathews now running the Argos Toronto can boast a complete blue plate special of sports managers.

Top 3 suggested titles for the new TV show based on Sean Avery
# 3 Sean of the Dread
# 2 Avery which way but lose
# 1 How I hit that Mother
Avery was given a show because he aced the screen test.

Two more Sumo wrestlers were found to be using marijuana and officials say they will continue to weed out the offenders.

I was suspicious some of the Sumo wrestlers were using pot when their ring names were Mary Jane, Herb and Bud.

Headline in Hamilton after the Tiger Cats fired their head coach “Taaffe Pulled”

When asked who will benefit most from Toronto sports teams all being headed by Sr. Citizens officials with the City said “depends”.

Winnipeg Blue Bomber Tom Canada had his trade to Hamilton nullified as he was in the hospital with an enlarged spleen. CFL officials say if a player is injured they are only allowed to be traded to Saskatchewan.

The Detroit Red Wings have signed defenseman Chris Chelios to a 1 year contract or as officials call it a long term deal.

Reaction to Lance Armstrong returning to professional cycling was swift with most riders saying “nuts”.

The bad news is Slovakia’s women’s hockey team defeated Bulgaria 82-0 in a qualifier for the Olympics, the worse news is it is a best of 2 total goals.

The City of Calgary is increasing property taxes to tackle gangs and the Stampeders are eyeing a ticket price increase for their gang tackling.

Going to a Republican rally and seeing John McCain instead of Sarah Palin is like going to a Pittsburgh Penguins game and seeing Tyler Kennedy instead of Sidney Crosby.

Canadian figure skating World Champion Jeffrey Buttle is retiring and says like most athletes he will miss the competition, the camaraderie and the free tights.

Jeffrey says he never felt special because like everyone he puts on his lycra-spandex, glitter covered, lace trimmed bodysuit one leg at a time.

Defensive tackle John Chick will be out for a month with a finger injury so in the interim he will resume his website of favourite movies called John’s Chick Flick Picks.

Floyd Landis says he will try for a return after his suspension for drug use ends saying he hopes to recapture time in a bottle.

A Big Fat One

If Wendy’s really want to create excitement around their Kick to Win promotion they will offer people a shot at the idiot in Regina who brings a siren to the game and turns it on when the opposing team has the ball.

I’m all for cheering and shouting but if your contribution to a game is pushing a button to emit an irritating noise stay in the parking lot.

As if vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin didn’t have enough problems it turns out the father of her unwed daughters’ baby is Travis Henry.

The Toronto Maple Leafs traded defenseman Bryan McCabe to the Florida Panthers for a scapegoat to be designated later.

Two Jamaican athletes have been implicated in a steroid shipment scandal with the sprinters admitting they purchased the drugs but swearing they didn’t inhale.

The Jamaican athletes caught up in the drug shipments were hurdlers the first time a Jamaican was not involved in a high hurdles scandal.

Two Russian Sumo wrestlers have tested positive for marijuana use. Officials became suspicious when the wrestlers had the munchies between their 8th and 9th meals of the day.

Top 3 Signs your NFL team may not make the playoffs...
# 3 Your star player takes the first 8 weeks off to be on American Idol
# 2 Teammates describe the new offensive line as “cuddly”
# 1 The MVP from the pre-season was your trainer

Toronto Argonauts receiver Arland Bruce III was fined by the CFL after putting on a Spiderman mask during a touchdown celebration. Asked to comment CFL officials said “Oh what a web he weave when he celebrate the receive”.

Quite a chess game unfolded for the Saskatchewan Roughriders when a Bishop was brought to the Queen City causing pawn Marcus Crandal to get rooked in the night

LPGA golfer Lorena Ochoa of Mexico says the rule requiring players speak English is unfair saying for the first few years on Tour the only words she needed were “Mucho Gracias” when accepting the winners cheques.

The Facebook page of the baby father of the daughter of the new Republican vice-presidential nominee says he is an avid hockey player with a reputation for being an energy guy. After all the recent events maybe he should look at becoming a sniper because it seems when he shoots he scores.

With the Republican convention being held at the Excel Center in Minneapolis finally fans of the Minnesota Wild get to see a team that is not afraid to go into the corners, high stick the opponents and is egar to take the gloves off.

Calgary Stampeders quarterback Dave Dickenson is out with another concussion and the injury was not a result of a hit. It turns out Dave accidentally used the rough towel to wipe off some sweat from his forehead causing team officials to switch to Downey as the clubs official fabric softener.

Two rookies were released from the NBA transition program after officials found them in their rooms with hookers and drugs. A spokesman for the league says the players were surprisingly quick studies who had mastered the basics.

It seems ironic to me that the Calgary Stampeders were complaining QB Henry Burris was injured after being horse-collared.

A new release out this week is called Traitor or as it is known in gaming circles the cover of Madden NFL 2009.

Cincinnati Bengals receiver Chad Johnston has changed his name to Ocho Cinco to reflect his uniform number upsetting former NBA player Charles Barkley who wanted it to reflect his golf handicap.


The CFL is involved in unique fund raising events with some of the teams this year with the Stampeders auctioning off game jerseys, the Eskimo’s getting bids for commemorative helmets and the Roughriders letting fans autograph casts and purchase autographed hospital gowns.

Meat the Leafs

Top 10 Cringe Worthy Moments from the 2008 Beijing Olympics

# 10 Canadian Tai Kwon Do competitor getting robbed in a preliminary match due to poor refereeing

# 9 Cuban Tai Kwon Do competitor putting his foot down against poor refereeing

# 8 The way the camera made it look like Michael Phelps lost the 8^th gold medal race

# 7 A Turkish Wrestler putting his money where his medal is about the refereeing

# 6 Athletes who apologize for losing

# 5 When a former Gold Medal athlete is re-outed on Prime Time TV

# 4 Seeing male sports commentators suddenly become experts on the age of young girls

# 3 Being awed by the way China created the alchemists dream of turning lead into Gold Medals

# 2 Watching the false start in the men’s 100 meter hurdles competition

And the # 1 Cringe Worthy Moment from the 2008 Beijing Olympics....

Seeing the IOC Delegates pour fawning words to their Chinese hosts at the closing ceremony while publicly criticizing Games superstar Usain Bolt for his celebrations...

The Calgary Flames held a press conference to introduce their newest additions to the team. The most intimidating appears to be 7 year old Tad Bertuzzi who rode shotgun for his dad Todd.

Todd made a point of asking fans to just leave his family out of any grievances they have against his past and then posed for pictures of Tad for the front cover of the morning papers.

Now that it is all over and China has captured the most Gold Medals it just once again confirms that children are our greatest resource... so start mining them early....

As Toronto Argonauts coach Rich Stu(m?)bler tries to shock life into his team with the release of popular veteran Orlando Steinhauer and trade of QB Michael Bishop I’m reminded of trying to give my 1973 Chev Bel Aire a boost in -40 weather.

At the start of the year everyone in Saskatchewan was worried about the quarterback position but it has turned out well with a 6-2 record and each of the 5 QB's who have seen game action appear able to lead the team.

With over half of the original receiving core out of commission and only having days to learn the offense instead of a playbook on his wrist new QB Michael Bishop is going to use a stick to draw up plays in the huddle.

According to his family the triple by-pass former Boston Red Sox slugger Carl Yastrzemski received was his real triple crown.

The skill, teamwork and coordination displayed by the inmates during an impossible breakout at the Regina jail can only mean the worst... the inmates are in possession of a Roughriders play book.

Maybe the Regina Police can use the Services of the Saskatchewan Roughrider in apprehending the escapees as they appear to have got the man they were looking for in Bishop.

This is a big week for adjusting the team salaries in the CFL as veteran players will be guaranteed pay for the rest of the year, salary cap deadlines are enforced and many back to school coupons expire.

The Brazilian Soccer Federation admitted they are a year behind schedule building the stadium for the 2010 World Cup but feel things will get back on track once their labour pool returns from the Beijing Games.

The LPGA is advising players they must have a conversational level of English in order to remain on tour. This leaves Prime Minister of Canada as one of the last jobs available to a person with little ability in English.

After hearing Maple Leaf hot dogs were making people sick I can’t be the only one who thought of Mats Sundin.

This is a rare case of the namesake company causing more severe choking than the original.

Someone has to say it... because the headline says it all...: “Maple Leaf fails to meat expectations”

The coincidence between the two companies is eerie... #1 has a wise grey haired man attempting damage control by taking apart the contaminated pieces and performing a thorough cleaning... #2 has a wise grey haired man pulling old stock off the shelves, even if it still has some value and taking a hit against earnings...

#1 is committed to restoring the integrity of a Toronto Icon... # 2 is looking at the farm as the problem...

# 1 is saying they will not listen to professional advice from lawyers... #2 is sorry and will now listen to professional advice...

Judge not....

With a new Canadian porn channel coming to TV Saturday will soon be Hooker Night in Canada.

61 year old Ian Millar won silver in the equestrian team competition justifying the Canadians youth movement.

With McDonalds helping our children our next Olympic motto won’t be Higher, Faster Stronger but rather Huger, Fatter, and Smellier.

An awkward moment when Ron Maclean asked swimmer Mark Tewksbury about being gay and Mark then commenting Ron looked better in his leather chaps the night before.

First out of the blocks on the 100 metre butt coving race is former Vancouver Canucks coach Marc Crawford but Todd Bertuzzi and the rest of the management team will be looking to make up ground.

The NHL is incensed with the way the new Russian Hockey League is poaching players saying they should respect the integrity of International greats such as Alan Eggalson.

With Toronto Blue Jays GM JP Richardi taking away Canada’s top pitcher before the Olympics he now can lay claim to managing 2 teams out of the playoffs in 1 year.

What is more surprising the Chinese using an underage gymnast or a female allowing anyone to add 2 years to her age?

After the failures of Canada’s Perdita Felicien and China’s Liu Xiang it appears the pressure of a nation is the most difficult hurdle to overcome.

Top 3 signs the Olympic judges may be biased towards the Chinese

# 3 Gives an extra point to the Chinese boxer for “artistic impression”

# 2 Justifies his marks by saying “1.2 billion people can’t be wrong”

# 1 Chinese officials constantly reminding judges they invented gunpowder

Most
Canadians can relate to Olympic Tri-Athlete Simon Whittaker as we are always trying to pay our bills, trying to maintain our weight and trying to keep our jobs.

I like to learn the scoring for sports I know nothing about. After watching a Tai Kwon Do woman’s match it seems the one that gets kicked the most wins.

Tai Kwon Do is an old Olympic word meaning to judge blindly.

Higher, Faster, Nap Time!

Not sure who has the most moral victories a preacher in a Los Vegas brothel or the Canadian Olympic team.

With CBS using delays in the PGA to show re-runs of previous Tiger Woods victories it was one of the only tournaments officials have prayed for rain.

After years of effort commitment and sacrifice Canadian swimmer Brian Johns made it to the final in his discipline and finished 7^th. After he came out of the pool the CBC reporter rushed up to him and asked “Do you think Michael Phelps could win 8 gold medals?” Other questions the reporter considered asking were “If Michael Phelps was a tree what kind would he be?”, “Does the water feel different when Michael Phelps is in it?”, and “How many Michael Phelps does it take to change a light bulb?”

It’s ironic that the Australians dominate the water events, the Cubans are great on the beach and yet the US isn’t the best on the shooting range.

It’s a tossup as to what gets an American announcer more excited when a swimmer wins a gold medal or when a gymnast blows a dismount.

Which picture of Canadian youth was more accurate the one of Olympic athletes struggling to keep up with the best in the world or the McDonalds commercial of them stuffing themselves?

This just in Michael Phelps may have gills and fins, stay tuned.

Olympic volleyball player Dyke from Holland is the Canadian equivalent of being named Barry from Saskatoon, Bud from BC or Dick from Toronto.

A riot raged out of control in Montreal this week until officials advised the public the game they saw on TV was a replay of the playoff victory by the Montreal Canadians.

American swimmer Katie Hoff made history when she lost her race by not extending her hand at the end the first time an American swimmer didn’t give the competition the finger.

Parts of the Beijing Olympic Opening Ceremony was pre recorded with the discovery coming when close inspection revealed it had been taped over an earlier Super Bowl pre-game run-through.

In an effort to avoid negative distractions the Canadian Olympic athletes should follow the Chinese lead and block all the websites and news coverage coming out of Canada.

Brett Favre says his arm is fatigued not from practicing but pointing fingers at the people responsible for his leaving Green Bay.

It is reported US swimmer Michael Phelps is double jointed thus giving him the same kind of advantage as Canadian snowboarder Ross Rebagliati.

More stunning news on the scandal involving the Chinese singer in the opening ceremony as it is now reported the words were sung by Brittany Spears and the little girl was actually Mini Me in drag.

Canadian fencer Sherraine Schalm was suddenly kicked out of her Hungarian training camp just before the Olympics and after losing to a former training partner let loose with a string of F-Bombs at the team a clear case of Hungarian Girl Lash.

Top 3 signs the Olympic gymnast is underage

# 3 When she finishes her routine and sticks a finger in the air it doesn’t mean we’re # 1 it means I have to pee.

# 2 Pre competition advice includes keeping toes pointed, sticking the landing and not taking candy from strangers.

# 1 Sponsors lining up for endorsements include Gerber’s, Pampers and Toys R Us.

By far and away the best synchronized diving has come from the soccer pitch.

Volunteers for the Canadian Briar in Calgary are being asked to pay $100 which shows how deep the hog line is becoming.

To save up the $100 most curling fans will now have to give their grandkids $5 instead of $10 for their birthday.

There was a strange development on the shooting range, when the athletes from Georgia and Russia were disqualified after shooting each other’s targets.

Tigers Tanks

Former TSN reporter Leif Petterson died last week giving the sports channel a diversion from talking about Jesse Lumsden.

After seeing the injury plagued Roughriders win their 6th game in a row you have to wonder if watermelons are a performance enhancer.

With the next game in less than a week both the Roughriders and Stampeders flew out quickly after their game with Calgary using Air Canada and Regina chartering an Air Ambulance.

An Arkansas man has paid over $1.5 million for a Honus Wagner baseball card and said later it made the coolest noise in his bike spokes.

Nike says it has found numerous violations in workers conditions in one of their factories in Malaysia and plans to move the factory to China where these kind of conditions won’t be reported.

The offer of $20 million to Brett Favre to not lob bombs is second only to the amount the International Community gave North Korea.

Not sure what was my favourite part of X-Games the skateboarding, the motorcycle stunts or the Mini Me sex tape.

Officials are baffled by the appearance of human feet in numerous places in North America including BC shores, Washington State Beaches and in the mouth of Green Bay Packers GM Ted Thompson.

Olympic athlete Kyle Shewfelt and his girlfriend broke up just before he left for Beijing after he received the dreaded Dear Jung letter.

It is so hot at the Beijing Games that despite losing their first game the US Women’s soccer team still ripped off their shirts.

A Boston Red Sox fan is suing the NY Yankee organization after being harassed while cheering for his team at Yankee Stadium. This is the first case of a Boston fan being harassed in NY since last time they played.

Former Minnesota Wild defenseman Sean Hill has signed with a Swiss team and announced the news by saying it was about time.

A former “Lost Boy” of the Sudan will be the flag bearer for the US Olympic team beating out the 2004 Olympic Basketball team or the boys who lost.

Top 3 signs you may not win a medal at the Oplymics
# 3 The Viagra you took for a performance enhancer kept you up all night
# 2 You started performing when the triple jump was called the hop, skip and jump
# 1 Your trap shooting coach is Dick Cheney

Top 3 signs the athlete may not be a woman
# 3 Her nickname is bag of marbles
# 2 Constantly complaining about her 4 o’clock shadow
# 1 Wins her race by an Adams Apple

TSN (Toronto Sports Network) is said to be creating a new network called TSN2. The programs will focus on events from the past including This week in Maple Leafs history, This month in Maple Leafs history and this year in Maple Leafs history.

A mould is wiping out old tapes around the world and sporting historians are worried they will not be able to save film from the last Chicago Cubs World Series win, Toronto Maple Leafs last Stanley Cup triumph or the New England Patriots special edition Super Bowl run-through.

This week the Chinese Tiger will host the Olympics, the USA’s Tiger will miss the PGA Open and thanks to George Bush it will cost $1.40 a litre to put a tiger in your tank.

Members of the US Olympic basketball team say they are really looking forward to going to China because now they can find out what the characters they tattooed on their body really mean.