My thanks to Cam Hutchinson for supporting this creation. Cheers DJW

Thursday, September 9, 2010

A vacant field...

I know the Saskatchewan Roughriders have fanatical followers but there was 6000 out for a practice in Calgary and they were playing Winnipeg... at home in Regina...

Gary Bettman approved the contract of Ilya Kolvachuck and in addition retroactively blessed the deal given by the Ottawa Senators to Alexandre Daigle

Ben Roethisberger had his suspension from the NFL reduced from 6 games to 4 when Commissioner Roger Goodell determined he had not molested anyone in public for over 3 months... a personal record

The 1st athlete to test positive for human growth hormone in North America was a Canadian University athlete who was suspended from football but received a scholarship in science.

The Minnesota Vikings are still upset that the New Orleans Saints took what they called cheap shots at QB Brett Favre in last year’s playoff game. In an effort to drive the narrative the Vikings are teaming up with the American Association for Retired People to promote a campaign against elder abuse.

Bill “Spaceman” Lee became the oldest player to pitch a professional baseball game last week at 62. Bill was tickled when he received congratulations from kids like Chris Chelios, Jamie Moyer and Brett Favre.

The Houston Texans have signed former Arizona Cardinals QB Matt Leinhart to be their 3rd string QB in what had to be a left-handed compliment on his ability

Leaving Tiger Woods off a Ryder Cup team would be like not using members of the Cincinnati Bengals in an episode of Arrested Development...

The Saskatchewan Roughriders have reached a decision as to where a new stadium will be built. The choice was between vacant land south of Regina to Montana, vacant land east to Alberta, vacant land west to Manitoba or vacant land north to Alaska...

The Quebec Provincial Government say they will pay 45% of the cost for a new arena in Quebec City and expect the balance of the funds will come from a traditional Quebec revenue source... taxpayers of Alberta...

Winnipeg Blue Bombers QB Buck Pierce will be out indefinitely after suffering an elbow injury during the Labour Day game with Saskatchewan. Pierce was originally scheduled to be out 2 weeks but he aggravated the injury while attempting to button up his shirt...

A report from the 2010 Winter Olympic organizers found snowboarders had the most injuries which came as no surprise to any football player who will tell you there are always more injuries when you play on grass...

France has been hit by a series of strikes from their transit workers and it is bringing back memories of the World Cup for the nation.... because after the team went on strike the county didn’t go anywhere in the tournament either...

A preacher in the US is threatening to hold a Koran burning to protest the 10th anniversary of 911. To put this in perspective for Canadians it would be like burning one of our holy relics... Toronto Maple Leaf season tickets... to complain about getting beat by the Detroit Red Wings

Reggie Bush might have to give back the bronze bust he won in College but I thought he had already broken up with Kim Kardashian...

A report from Canadian Border Services Agency revealed there was an increased amount of testing for radioactive devices during the Vancouver Olympics. In the end the only nuclear meltdown was when Russian President Vladimir Putin blasted his countries Olympic effort...

US researchers trying to answer the question “Does money buy happiness?” say they have found evidence happiness starts with an income of $75,000. When asked to comment a spokesman for the CFL Players Association says he found the results depressing...

Friday, September 3, 2010

Bombs Away!

After the Saskatchewan Roughriders lost to the Edmonton Eskimos in front of a packed house at Commonwealth Stadium Coach Ken Miller was philosophical saying it’s hard to keep focused when you are in front of so many supporters

Japan used the long bomb to cripple Hawaii in the Little League World Series... what too soon?

Brett Favre threw 2 interceptions, had a fumble and was sacked twice in the 1st half of a pre-season game so... he’s already in playoff form

Fox News shill Glen Beck held a rally in Washington called restoring hope attended by thousands of supporter. This was second only to the Washington Redskins pre season game nicknamed... Scoring... I hope

Edmonton Oilers goaltender Nikolai Khabibulin has been found guilty of speeding and driving under the influence of alcohol. Khabibulin will be sentenced later and will be subject to immigration laws that will require him to leave Arizona and move to Edmonton. A spokesman for his wife was quoted as saying... AAAAAAUGHH!!!!

Khabibulin received 30 days in jail and they can be served around his work schedule. He chose to be in jail days when the Oilers would be playing the Penguins, Capitals and Red Wings

Roger Clemens pleaded not guilty in a Washington court to lying to Congress then flew to a charity golf tournament later. A controversy erupted in the tournament when Clemens was accused of using a mulligan by tournament officials... later confirmed by his caddy... but he vehemently denies the allegations

It was surprising to hear the Feds were considering subpoenaing his hairstylist to testify but after seeing his new frosted locks maybe only his hairdresser knows for sure

David Asper has made an offer to purchase the Winnipeg Blue Bombers saying he will pay $75 million towards the new stadium. Fans say they would be more impressed if Mr. Asper bought them something useful... like a QB


And from Hartley Miller... love this one...

33 miners trapped in a collapsed mine for nearly a month in Chile has been sent soccer videos. Haven't the miners suffered enough? Officials were happy with the choice saying At least they weren't sent Maple Leafs videos

Friday, August 27, 2010

Ancient Championship History

American born NBA player Matt Bonner in an attempt to play for Canada at the World Basketball Championships had his application for a quick citizenship denied. Officals say if he wants to have his request speeded up he has to do what everyone else does… come into Canada by paying a human trafficker and claim to be a refugee…

Chicago Cubs manager Lou Pinella retired to spend more time with this mom reversing the general trend of players to extend their careers to get away from their baby mommas

Washington Redskins DE Albert Haynesworth says he has a muscle condition known as rhabdomyolysis and it was aggravated when he spent the summer hauling cheques to the bank

Anaheim Ducks forward Joffrey Lupul says he will miss the upcoming training camp with a blood infection to which Albert said... oh yeah... I have a blood infection

Top 5 signs your baseball announcer is getting on in years
# 5 Vince Scully once dated his grandmother
# 4 Needs a 3rd, 5th and 7th inning stretch
# 3 Eats his evening pre-game meal at noon
# 2 Uses binoculars to read his script
# 1 Constantly refers to the game as Rounders

Construction crews in Edmonton recently uncovered a fossilized artifact that could either be a dinosaur bone or a remnant of a championship trophy

A 12 year old player from Taipei’s little league baseball team weighs 205 lbs. A team spokesman says he not only is their best hitter he also is able to buy the beer for the coaches after the game

Seriously a 205 lb 12 year old? What are they feeding the kids in Taipei? Other slow kids?

Oregon State offensive lineman Tyler Patrick Thomas was tasered when he charged police while naked on a woman’s lawn. Police said he took off at them from a 3 point stance and later clarified it to a 4 point stance

The Chicago Bulls unveiled a statue of former great Scottie Pippen. Asked when they plan to have a similar honour for a player, Toronto Raptors officials said when someone stops acting like a statue during games.

Miners in Chilie are expected to be trapped underground for the next 4 months the longest time anyone has been left in the dark since Thomas Kaberle learned he might be traded

The Edmonton Eskimos are expecting a near capacity crowd for the weekend game with the Saskatchewan Roughriders and in a show of hometown support Rider fans say they will cheer for the occasional Eskimo success

The Canadian Medical Association says MMA fighting is linked to severe brain injury and disability. Asked to comment an MME spokesman said...uhhh... ummmm... what was the question?

NFL owners are considering an 18 game season to add more meaningful games to which fans of the Detroit Lions asked... what is a meaningful game?

It took me the longest time to realize The Expendables wasn’t about NHL free agents expecting to haul in over $2 million as a cap hit

The Alberta Government is considering introducing a sales tax saying the people of Alberta are now used to their NHL teams taxing their patience

Tiger Woods shot a 65 and is leading tournament just days after his divorced was finalized. He credits his Buddhist beliefs saying Nirodha or the end of suffering finally caught up with him

Alberta Culture Minister Lindsay Blackett says his much-publicized remark that Canadian television is "crap" referred not to current shows on air, but to watching the Eskimos


Kurt Browning watched his house nearly burn to the ground after trying to dry out his car seats with a leaf blower the most expensive blow job since President Clinton

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Same Sex MME Coupling

If the CFL like all sports enterprises is trying to cultivate alternative revenue sources they should look into licensing erectile drugs like Cialis, Viagra or Molsons ... as part of an on air running promotion with the announcers... because no one mentions scoring, drilling or hooking up more than the TSN crew...



The Toronto Raptors waived forward-centre Dwayne Jones on Monday. It was a shock to Raptor fans who expected the five-year NBA veteran who has averaged 1.3 points in 82 career games to replace the scoring of Hedo Turkoglu



The Province of Ontario has given approval for future Mixed Martial Arts fighting MME saying they decided to follow the lead of California and license all forms of same sex couplings...



The reasons given for licensing MME events was said to be economic as the Province was billions of dollars in the red and needed to balance it out with a moral deficit as well...



The Province says they will reap a windfall in tourism, broadcast rights, fees and registrations and say additional expertise will be gained in the area of performance enhancing drug development, speech therapy and of course the practical experience with brain injuries...



Tourism officials are test marketing a new slogan for the Province... Ontario come for the mindless savagery and stay because you can't walk or remember where you are going...



Alberta was considering allowing MME events but even the calf ropers said it was too cruel...



France has come down hard on their World Cup footie team by placing 5 players on suspension and more important limiting smoke breaks during training



Despite a year of poor results Tiger Woods is still #1 in rankings as the PGA... like divorce courts... heavily weigh past performance



Despite getting “many significant and promising offers” the Toronto Maple Leafs have decided to keep Thomas Kaberle and will now go with plan B... losing



Denver Broncos QB Tim Tebow was drilled as he scored during a pre season game with the Cincinnati Bengals causing him to wear a new slogan on his eye black... #@$%&@#



Tebow was nailed in practice causing him to be helped off the field. He then compared the hit to Judas at the Last Supper



Former British PM Tony Blair plans to donate the profits from his memoir to the Royal British Legion to help injured servicemen. No word on if former President George Bush will give any of his profits towards US serviceman when his baseball popup book comes out





Edmonton's Royal Alexandra Hospital emergency department is launching a survey of homeless people in an attempt to find ways to better serve them. One suggestion... pay CFL players a living wage...





A University of Alberta dentistry professor has received a $1-million US grant to continue his research into restoring damaged dental roots using ultrasound and stem cells. The research will be carried out during the NHL season when subjects are readily available





Officials are upset when the ship loaded with refugees from Sri Lanka arrived in Victoria asking for asylum and not a single passenger was able to crack the Canadian National Soccer team line-up





People who collect celebrity memorabilia are anxiously awaiting the weekend, when props and costumes from the TV show Lost go up for auction. This is the second auction for Lost memorabilia after the Edmonton City Council offered equipment from their professional teams





This week represents the end of the Muslim holy month of Ramadan not to be confused with the end of the NFL training camp hook-ups which is known as the Ramada Throng



The Minnesota Twins removed pitcher Kevin Slowey in the 7th inning despite him throwing a no hitter up to that point. This contrasts the Pittsburgh Pirates who in order to remove a pitcher who has a no hitter going does so in the 2nd



A bull in Spain jumped into the stadium during a fight which was the most serious case of bull in a stadium since Mike Kelly left Winnipeg



Minnesota Vikings QB Brett Favre was escorted back to practice by 3 teammates a move which resonated with anyone who has elderly parents as they sometimes wander off and can’t find their way home...



The reason it took 3 players to get Favre back was made clear by team officials... one to pack his bags and 2 to help find the Blackberry his wife hid...



Favre says he decided to unretired in order to spend less time with his family and more quality time sexting the people he lusts



Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagovitch was found not guilty of selling valuable seats in Chicago. Jurors say they were swayed when some of the seats for sale were for Chicago Cubs World Series games



The Potash Corp is under a hostile takeover offer from an Australian company in what is sure to be the biggest battle for a fertilizer based product since LeBron took his talents to Miami





Top 5 rejected rules for the NHL

# 5 Replace the term icing with frosting

# 4 After 10 fights a player is promoted to MME

# 3 Blue lines widened to the thickness of Don Cherry’s collar

# 2 Instigator rule applies if fights don’t start with “Mother may I?”

# 1 Stick curves to be measured against groupies curves

Friday, August 13, 2010

Weak Kneed

I have heard the Tampa Bay Stadium is a dump but saying it should be replaced because of the catwalk is like saying Boston has to replace Fenway Park because of the Green Monster

Like almost everyone who faced Nolan Ryan from the mound Mark Cuban got the high hard one during negotiations with Ryan over the purchase of the Texas Rangers. In what must have been the financial equivalent of a brush back pitch Ryan was left with ownership of the Rangers and Cuban blaming the media

Lee Westwood who was playing with Tiger Woods, removed himself from the Bridgestone Invitational with an ankle injury after the second round. It was considered by experts to be an improvement as this is the 1st time in weeks someone playing around with Tiger hasn`t been left weak kneed...

In a surprise twist the owner of the Hamilton Tiger Cats says the location of the new stadium is between a site outside Hamilton or one in Phoenix

Houston Texans LB Brian Cushing claims he was experiencing “over trained athlete syndrome” after testing positive for performance enhancing drugs. It’s similar to the condition of Albert Hainsworth except for being the exact opposite

The World Health Organization say they believe the H1N1 Flu has run its course and can now focus on a cure for the Philly Flu

Watching the Jet Blue flight attendant lose his mind makes me wonder why the NBA let this guy slip thorough their scouting

Calgary researchers have created a microchip that "communicates" with brain cells and when implanted in a patient. The 1st question from the chip was “What’s up with the Flames signing Jokinen?”



Phil Mickelson says he is suffering from a rare form of arthritis which makes playing golf very painful. This means that both Phil and Tiger Woods are suffering from the effects of swollen joints

The NY Nets have given their intention to the NBA for a name change in 2 years thus opening up the path for the Brooklyn Roughriders

After voiding the contract offered by the NJ Devils to Alex Kovalchuck the NHL also increased their drug testing policy to now include team owners before and after contract proposals

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Alberts Fat Wallet

After a game interrupted by lightning and hail it was only fitting Danny Machochia of the Edmonton Eskimos was let go. At one point ownership said it would take a force of nature to remove him and if you ask any wife of a professional athlete... hail stones on the ground in Edmonton in July is a sign of hell freezing over...

Andy Fantuz tore apart the Hamilton Tigercats defense after the release of his Fantuz Flakes cereal... so much so that they are going to introduce another cereal this time using shreddies

NY Jets cornerback Darrell Revis is sitting out training camp saying he wants to be the highest paid DB in the NFL. It appears the only thing he isn’t able to cover is his greed

I guess if you ask Heido Turkulu or Chris Bosh Toronto has become a world no class city

Denver Broncos rookie QB Tim Tiebow has the best selling jersey in the NFL. Asked to comment on why his jersey is so popular Tim said “God knows”

BP has started to plug the leak in the Gulf coast and thanks are being sent to Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert for providing the advanced mudslinging technology used to plug the hole

The United Arab Emirates is threatening to ban the use of RIM technologies Blackberries due to possible security problems. NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman was quick to point out he was the 1st one to ban RIM owner Jim Balsillie and it was for something more important than national security... a personal vendetta

Former NHL tough guy Geroges Laraque has been named deputy leader of the Green party. Laraque beat out other potential candidates when he informed them he would actually beat them for the job

Laraque is a vegetarian and says he has helped other NHL’ers become vegetarians... mostly by removing the ability to chew meat

Chinese authorities are being accused by a Conservative MP of trying to bribe officials with money and sexual favours causing USC to open a new recruiting campus in Beijing

The Washington Redskins have updated the odds out of shape DE Albert Hainsworth practicing from slim to fat chance

What a coincidence the X-Games coincided with the beginning of NFL training camp or as the groupies call it the XXX Games

Protesters in Calgary lowered a banner from the Calgary Tower with an anti-oil message. It was originally thought to be the work of Greenpeace but turned out to be disgruntled Flames fans who misspelled Oli

The #1 movie this year is Inception about a group of individuals who enter the dreams of people and steal their ideas. This is not to be confused with In Edmonton where every day is a living nightmare and the sporting teams steal your hope.

Lebron James took out a full page ad in an Akron Ohio newspaper as a gesture to his hometown fans. The ad would have only been a ½ page but it would not have allowed the gesture to include his complete middle finger

A Canadian group is rumoured to be interested in purchasing the Liverpool Football Club. Speculation is centred on Maple Leafs Sports as they have the money and experience running a team that can’t score and has underachieved for decades

A challenge to the new 0 tolerance drinking law for young drivers in Ontario has been filed in court. The brief accuses the Government of discrimination based on age, a breach of the Charter of Rights and more important is going to adversely affect the chances of the Raptors ever getting a big name NBA star

A survey of adults in North America has found a vast majority are pessimistic about their future. The survey found those in Cleveland and Toronto had the least optimistic view while Miami was surprisingly upbeat

The President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmadinejad escaped an assignation attack when a grenade thrown at him missed by a mere 100 yards thus answering the question “ Whatever happened to Ryan Leaf?”

The Calgary Flames unveiled a new uniform for the Heritage Classic and the day after the Calgary Hitmen and Regina Pats will play the 1st outdoor CHL game. Despite the new sweaters fans attending the games will probably wear what they always do to McMahon Stadium... something whit a Roughriders logo on it

A new survey shows Canadians swear more than most Countries and blame it on frustration, anger and watching Toronto pro sports teams

Conservative Cabinet minister Stockwell Day says the Government will build prisons for criminals for crimes that go unreported. Not to be outdone the City of Toronto says they will build a museum for championship trophies and awards collected by their pro sports teams

Thursday, July 29, 2010

A testie camera

Robert McCune... a defensive end for the Calgary Stampeders... spent 4 years active duty in Afghanistan, Iraq, Korea and Kuwait...played NFL football with Washington, Baltimore and Cleveland... and originally looked at playing in the CFL for the Eskimos... but even he can’t get his wife to move to Edmonton...

I know the purpose of putting black under your eyes... to reduce the glare of the Sun... so what is the point of the Calgary Stampeders wearing a black patch with a white horse in the middle? It’s used as an excuse by receivers... couldn’t see the ball because the horse was in my eyes...

With Rickey Ray and Jason Moss playing QB for Edmonton they don’t need a microphone in the helmet as they both have great satellite reception... I’ll bet during the QB meetings everyone is all ears...

I would like to have a say in the player drafting of my favourite teams... I think the last round of the draft should be for fans only that way we can at least have the satisfaction of watching a player we pick make the big time.

18 people were killed during a “Love Fest” stampede in Germany but PETA was happy to point out no horses were lost in the tragedy

Asked what the secret was in their home win over Saskatchewan Calgary Stampeders head coach John Hufnagel said it was to score 1st and take the crowd out of the game

Both the Alberta NHL teams were cited for food violations in their arenas and the charges mirrored their seasons. The Oilers had instances of serving up raw meat while the Flames were guilty of being a choking hazard.

In what has to be a nod to this year’s World Cup there was another no hitter in the Major Leagues of baseball or as soccer fans call it a no no.

Rookie Dez Brant of the Dallas Cowboys says he won’t carry the pads for veterans even though it is an established tradition. Dez says he is paid to play football and once he finds a way to untie himself from the goalpost will prove it.

Team Radio Shack was penalized for changing jerseys on the last day of the Tour de France when they wore a number 28 to recognize the 28 million people who are battling cancer. The Toronto Maple Leafs says they plan to honour their futility by wearing jerseys with 43 the number of years since they have been relevant.

The NHL is doing its part to help with the Gulf Coast oil spill by providing BP with help in sending unwanted salaries to Russia

I thought TSN was getting a little too close with their camera work during CFL games but the benefits are impressive... especially the Proctor Cam which is useful in screening the prostate...

The camera and lenses have a really cool editing function which allowed a close up on a critical fumble during the Argo/Lions game and... thanks to the Ballistrator Cam... we now know that even though his testicles hit the ground it... is still a fumble...

That had to be embarrassing for the receiver when they kept circling his testies with the Telestrator and measuring them against the ball...

The isolation features allow TSN to follow each player from zip up to zip on the field which can be awkward... especially for the poor on field reporters... the TSN team in the booth needs to be there with updates faster than a lawyer to a disaster...so the guys upstairs keep up the pressure by announcing on air... we don’t seem to know what is happening... just as soon as we hear something we will pass it on... don’t make me think I’ve been drinking since noon...

The poor reporter is walking up to the player with 5 guys yapping in their ears telling what to ask... excuse me #86... you just dropped the ball... Matt upstairs says it was a sure 6... so your bad... Josh wants to know how is this affecting your mothers’ cancer... Shultzie wants an update on your negotiations for next year and on your Twitter account did you really mean LOL:)?

Wiki Leaks posted over 92000 documents in the Internet outlining the troubles the US and their allies are having in Afghanistan. This is not to be confused with Wiki Leafs where naked pictures of Toronto Maple Leafs forwards are posted.

The Federal Government is catching flack over their suggestion to stop taking the long form census. Asked to comment a spokesman for the Saskatchewan Roughriders said anything that encourages accurate counting should be encouraged